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00:30Welcome! Welcome, welcome, welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:35I'm Roy Wood Jr. in the news this week.
00:39Theater's empty after someone sets off an alarm.
00:47Canada finally has had enough of America's nonsense.
00:51Ice applicant forgot to study for entrance exam.
01:02I know what real cops do. Real cops would do real cop stuff.
01:06On Amber's team tonight, you've seen her on CNN, ABC, MS Now, and she's the co-founder of the Seneca Project,
01:12a bipartisan super PAC focused on female voters, assuming that voting is still a thing by the time we're done taping.
01:20It's Tara Setmayer!
01:25And joining Michael, you've seen him on The Tonight Show, Late Night with Seth Meyers and Netflix.
01:31His new stand-up tour, with all due disrespect, is currently crossing the country.
01:35He'll be selling shirts and stickers in the lobby.
01:38It's Nimesh Patel!
01:41Thank you, thank you, thank you.
01:43Now for the biggest stories of the week.
01:45Everyone watch the clip.
01:47Tell me, what's the story?
01:49Okay, the story is protest.
01:52We want ICE out now.
01:54But ICE says, we want in.
01:56And then justice for Alex Preddy.
01:58This seems to me that this story is about ICE being absolutely out of control.
02:06The story is Minnesota.
02:08The state is in mourning, but while Republicans are divided, the residents of Minnesota are united.
02:12And yet, as the Minnesotans braved the cold to protect their neighbors, somehow their attitudes remain impeccable.
02:20How long will you stay out here?
02:22So my balls get cold.
02:25Well, unlike Republicans, at least he has balls.
02:28Oh!
02:32Now, if I may...
02:34Also Democrats.
02:36While Minnesotans are also showing us what they're made of, unfortunately, so is everyone else.
02:42After the unprovoked Border Patrol shooting of an ICU nurse, Alex Preddy, last weekend,
02:47MAGA supporters have been tying themselves into knots on how they could blame him.
02:54How have ICE apologists tried to turn the victim into the villain?
03:00Eleven days earlier, he had kicked a car, and that's good enough for them.
03:06They called him a domestic terrorist off the top, so I guess...
03:10Very offensive to terrorists, by the way.
03:11Right.
03:12Right? Exactly.
03:14Um...
03:15I mean...
03:16Uh, MAGA supporters have come up with countless stories to try and make Alex Preddy a villain.
03:22As many of you know, uh, Alex was holding a phone in his hand when he was shot,
03:27and he was already complying and on the ground.
03:29And according to Newsmax's Greg Kelly, that was the problem.
03:34I want to show you something.
03:35Does that look like a gun?
03:39Does that look like a gun?
03:40I think it does a little bit.
03:42It's a phone.
03:43It's black, like most phones.
03:46That's crazy stuff.
03:48Whoa.
03:49Whoa.
03:50I am so embarrassed for that man.
03:52That's somebody's husband.
03:54That's somebody's husband.
03:55It's probably someone's dad.
03:59It's him, and it's like seven people in a room, and they're like, how can we best dick ride for this president?
04:07Amber, I am warning you.
04:10I'm sorry.
04:14Now, Kelly didn't stop there.
04:15He continued the victim blaming and took it even further on Tuesday.
04:19He tweeted, quote,
04:20Just because you're a nurse doesn't mean you're automatically a great person.
04:25On the left is Nurse Ratched from the Cuckoo Clock movie.
04:29Very nasty.
04:30As of now, we don't know the personality of Alex.
04:34What's so funny about that statement is we do know what his personality is
04:38because we had person after person after person testify to what a great human being he was.
04:45And we saw the video of him eulogizing one of his patients.
04:51We know exactly who he was, and he wasn't a shameful, sycophantic fuck like Greg Kelly.
04:58How do you think Donald Trump responded to all of the news coming out of Minneapolis?
05:03He tore down the West Wing of the White House.
05:05Trump did what he did with everything else that's happened over the years.
05:10He made it about himself.
05:12Bottom line, it was terrible.
05:13Both of them were terrible.
05:14The other was terrible, too.
05:16And I'm not sure about his parents, but I know her parents were big Trump fans.
05:20Makes me feel bad anyway.
05:22But, I mean, I guess you could say even worse.
05:24They were tremendous Trump people, Trump fans.
05:28If you told him a rabid ferret had two Trump-voting parents, he would still defend the ferret.
05:36Well, that's a good ferret.
05:37His parents were Trump fans.
05:40Also, it's important to point out that Alex Peretti and Renee Goode are just two out of at least eight people
05:45who have been either killed by federal agents or died in ICE custody so far this year, just in 2026.
05:52So, panel, what kind of accountability needs to be happening?
05:56Jail time!
05:59ICE needs to be disbanded.
06:01DHS needs to have their funding drastically cut.
06:04Prosecutions have to happen for the ICE agents and DHS agents who are out of control in Minneapolis, St. Paul,
06:10and around the rest of the country.
06:12What will happen is nothing.
06:15Okay.
06:16You mad at me?
06:17We need to know the names, not just Jonathan Ross, but the other guy that pulled the trigger on Alex Peretti
06:23so that we can ensure that they never, ever get laid ever again, because we know that that's not...
06:28They're never fucking ever again, right?
06:30There absolutely needs to be accountability legally through our legal system,
06:34as long as we still have one for these people.
06:37You can't just get away with taking people's lives because you're angry.
06:41The American people need to realize that no one is safe,
06:44and if you want things to change, stay in the streets.
06:47Silence is not an option, and vote, vote, vote these bastards out of office
06:52so there can be real accountability.
06:56Well, from the accountability department, we have a little bit of good news, if you can call it that.
07:02After days of backlash, government is finally doing the bare minimum.
07:06The agents who fired the shots have been placed on administrative leave.
07:11Isn't that how it always feels when you hear administrative leave?
07:14It's like, aww.
07:15They got a check for killing somebody.
07:17And still ain't got to go to work.
07:18Right.
07:19I keep hoping this show will put me on administrative leave.
07:24Just get to go home.
07:25You have to work one day a week, Michael.
07:27We also have a podcast.
07:32Haven't I got news for you?
07:33New episodes every Wednesday.
07:37Two Republicans have called for administration members to step down.
07:41Senator Lisa Murkowski called for Secretary of Homeland Security Christy Noem's resignation.
07:46And Senator Tom Tillis went off on both Noem and Stephen Miller.
07:51If Noem looks at her body of work, I could not be.
07:54If I were in her position, I can't think of any point in pride over the last year.
07:58Amateurish assistant manager sort of thought process is going into somebody who's a secretary
08:03in a cabinet-level position, but Stephen Miller never fails to live up to my expectations
08:09of incompetence.
08:10I can tell you, if I were president, neither one of them would be in Washington right now.
08:14Ooh.
08:16Would Tom Tillis like to be a guest on Have I Got News For You?
08:20Well, then you can ask him why he voted for her.
08:22Oh, no, that's right.
08:24How dare you show up on TV and be like, she's a bitch.
08:27I hate her.
08:28She's so dumb.
08:30Bitch, that's on you.
08:31You voted for her.
08:33Tom, you won't be on Amber's Day.
08:36Well, no, no.
08:37Question to the panel.
08:38How did the president respond to Tom Tillis and Lisa Murkowski's gentle suggestion?
08:44Called him a great representative for the American people?
08:47I'm going to guess low IQ person?
08:49No, they're not black.
08:50Yeah, he's white.
08:51That's right.
08:53In response to the two Republicans who dared to speak out to some of the mismanagement,
08:59Donald Trump said, and I quote, well, they're both losers.
09:02And then, just a short time later, a reporter tattletaled right back to tell us what Trump
09:09said.
09:09The president called you a loser, I believe.
09:11I am thrilled about that.
09:12That makes me qualified to be Homeland Security Secretary and Senior Advisor to the president.
09:20Make me qualified.
09:21That was beautiful.
09:25You know what?
09:27I take back everything I said.
09:29He's my best friend and he always has been.
09:32Now, as approval ratings plummet and Americans' distrust of the government grows, there's
09:37one question on everybody's mind.
09:40Who's to blame for all of this?
09:41Immigrants?
09:42If immigrants weren't so successful, these white people joining ICE wouldn't be so upset,
09:47terrorizing Minneapolis.
09:49So, immigrants, we got to stop being so good at being American.
09:52There's plenty of blame to go around.
10:01Democrats are blaming Kristi Noem, and Kristi Noem is blaming Stephen Miller.
10:06And wait, if you find all of that confusing, don't worry, John Berman here at CNN got you
10:11covered.
10:12I put together a little flow chart, based on your reporting here, of who is being blamed
10:17and how inside the White House and inside the administration.
10:20Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem is blaming Stephen Miller.
10:23Stephen Miller appears to be blaming Customs and Border Protection.
10:27Do I have that correct?
10:30I mean, generally.
10:35One thing couldn't be clearer, though.
10:37Members of the administration are turning on one another.
10:39But so far, only one of them actually seems to be experiencing any consequences.
10:46Any idea who that is?
10:47I know that they took Greg Bovino and they packed him in a little box and sent him home.
10:52Is that what you're talking about?
10:53Points.
10:53That is the person who's paying the price.
10:56It is Greg Bovino.
10:58Seen here right before Raiden and Frank's house.
11:02You think he gets to keep the coat?
11:05You got to keep that coat, baby.
11:07That's drip right there, baby.
11:08See, that's that 1940s military drip, right?
11:13Well, 1940s German military drip.
11:15Yeah, yeah.
11:17Bovino has been the face of ICE operations in Minneapolis.
11:20He's even been recognized around town by some of his fans.
11:25Hey, fam.
11:25I was in Minneapolis and look, we just stumbled upon Greg Bovino at a fucking speedway for a pre-Hague photo shoot.
11:32So good for him, I guess.
11:35For those following along at home, I have nothing against short men, but I do just have to report back.
11:39There is about a four inch height difference.
11:42Do you want to get closer so they can see?
11:43Greg, you're standing right there in front of me.
11:45But to everyone following along at home, I hope you fucking eat shit.
11:49I hope this keeps you up at night for the rest of your life.
11:52And no one fucking wants you here.
11:53I'm just imagining like an in-memoriam thing after that.
12:04Minnesota people, she had on a jean jacket.
12:08It was five degrees.
12:10And she was going into Speedway to get an ICE-y on top of it.
12:13But Bovino served a purpose.
12:17The administration needed a scapegoat, so they picked the guy who looked like one.
12:23This week, Bovino was removed from his role as Border Patrol commander at large
12:28and will reportedly be returning to California to spend more time with his swastika.
12:33I'm sorry, his family.
12:36But getting Bovino out of there is just the beginning.
12:39Question, who is replacing Greg Bovino?
12:43No, no, who is it?
12:46No, I hate it here.
12:47The human cover bag, Tom Homan.
12:50No.
12:51Points!
12:52Yep.
12:53It is Trump's border czar, Tom Homan, seen here, getting to Minneapolis just as fast as he can.
13:00Faster, Muggsy.
13:02Okay, boss.
13:06As soon as Homan got to Minneapolis, had a little press conference and made it perfectly clear
13:12who the real victims are in the midst of all that's going on.
13:16The real victims.
13:17According to Tom Homan, the ICE agents.
13:20Day after day, can't eat in restaurants.
13:22Day after day, having people spit on you and boat whistles at you.
13:25Day after day, having all these threats at you.
13:28Day after day, having people trying to interfere with you.
13:31Day after day, you know, they're human.
13:33Yeah, you know, day after day, invading people's homes.
13:36Day after day, raiding daycares.
13:38Day after day, deporting five-year-olds.
13:40Day after day, and I can't eat at a restaurant.
13:43Sorry!
13:43Get it fucking to go.
13:48If I was an ICE agent, I would be afraid to eat in any...
13:51I would have to bring all my food from wherever I were.
13:55Because there's no way they're not spitting in the food.
13:57That's all spit.
13:58It's all spit.
14:00They're just eating.
14:00So much spit.
14:01Saliva is the gentlest thing they're putting in the food.
14:05Mr. ICE agent, I shit in your pie.
14:12I don't even know.
14:13Oh, that's the help, baby.
14:16But there was one small piece of news buried in Homan's speech.
14:19He said that his, quote, main focus is drawdown.
14:24Which sounds like great news.
14:25The question, what's the problem with Tom Homan's idea
14:28of a drawdown?
14:29I think that Tom Homan needs to worry about
14:31drawing down the marbles out of his mouth.
14:33Because did you understand a word that this mush mouth said?
14:36You had to put up...
14:37You actually had to put up subtitles.
14:38You had to put up subtitles.
14:38You had to put up subtitles.
14:39You had to put up subtitles.
14:39Wait, what is that?
14:41I'm just saying.
14:44Wait.
14:45Homan says there's going to be a drawdown,
14:47and they catch up with Trump at the Thursday night premiere
14:50of Melania's documentary.
14:52And Trump had this to say about a drawdown.
14:55Will you keep pulling back immigration enforcement agents
14:58out of Minnesota?
14:59We want to keep our country safe.
15:00We'll do whatever we can to keep our country safe.
15:02So you're not pulling back?
15:04No, no, not at all.
15:06So believe it or not,
15:07Melania's documentary wasn't the only news going on that night
15:11because by Friday morning,
15:13reporters had to break news about their own former colleague.
15:17Former CNN anchor and a former colleague of mine and friend,
15:20Don Lemon,
15:21has been taken into custody by federal agents.
15:24So now here's the basics.
15:26Don Lemon covered a protest at a church in Minneapolis,
15:29and afterwards,
15:30the feds tried to charge him with a crime
15:32saying he was an aggressor,
15:34but it didn't go great.
15:36Five different judges
15:38reviewed the evidence against Don Lemon.
15:41A magistrate judge who said no,
15:43a district court judge who happens to be
15:44the chief judge of that district who said no,
15:47and three appellate judges in the Eighth Circuit said no.
15:50And in a post on Friday,
15:52Attorney General Pam Bondi
15:54said that the arrests were made at her direction.
15:56You know how it is.
15:57Mike, when you ask your mama if you can arrest Don Lemon,
15:59she say no.
16:01Then you ask your daddy,
16:02can I arrest Don Lemon?
16:03You say no.
16:03Then you ask your grandmama.
16:06Then you just ask Pamela Joe,
16:07she'll be like, yeah.
16:09Can I arrest Don Lemon for you?
16:10Absolutely.
16:11How did government officials react
16:13to the news of the arrest?
16:15They said America's finally safe.
16:17Wasn't he literally covering the Grammy Awards
16:21when he got arrested?
16:22Yeah, yeah.
16:23Covering the Grammys.
16:24Yeah.
16:25He's a bad bunny.
16:31Here's the deputy...
16:32Points.
16:33Thank you, man.
16:34Points.
16:35Fine.
16:39Now, as for what crime Don Lemon
16:41has been supposedly charged with,
16:43that's all still a little bit hazy,
16:44but it's been reported that one charge involves
16:47something called the FACE Act.
16:49Does anybody know what the FACE Act is?
16:51Yeah, Don Lemon's face card does not decline.
16:56He is adorable.
16:57I'm sorry, smooth skin.
16:58You got arrested for being a bad bitch?
17:00Yeah.
17:03Do you know what that is?
17:04It's when Donald Trump doesn't like your black face.
17:08Besides that.
17:09Yeah, that's really it.
17:10The FACE Act is a federal statute
17:12prohibiting use of force
17:14to anyone trying to access reproductive services,
17:17but it also contains provisions
17:19covering houses of worship.
17:22And they are accusing Don Lemon
17:24of blocking people from going into a church.
17:25Yeah, but if you're a journalist,
17:27you're covering people going into a church.
17:28What if the abortion clinic
17:28is located inside the church?
17:30Oh, no.
17:32Do you get charged twice?
17:35No.
17:35My dog, Don Lemon,
17:39was released without bail,
17:41so you can save your free Don Lemon T-shirts.
17:45And I think that for everything
17:47that's going on in Minneapolis,
17:48I don't think there's anybody
17:49who can submit it better
17:50than the Minneapolis resident
17:52we saw at the top,
17:53the man with the frigid balls.
17:55Wake up.
17:56Please watch what's happening here.
17:58I feel like we're performing CPR
18:00on what may already be a corpse
18:01called the Constitution.
18:03That's the same guy who said,
18:04I'll be out here till my balls get cold?
18:07Layers, man.
18:08The man's got layers.
18:09And may his balls be warm forever.
18:26Welcome back.
18:28It's time for the Offender Meter.
18:30Teams have to tell us
18:31who's the offender,
18:32what they did,
18:34and who they offended.
18:35Let's see your offender, please.
18:39Oh, that's...
18:40Tulsi Gabbard.
18:41Mm-hmm.
18:41Also known as Evil Moana.
18:46Who did Tulsi Gabbard offend?
18:48The entire Indian-American community.
18:50For what, exactly?
18:51Just her whole essence.
18:55Tulsi Gabbard offended
18:57Fulton County Commissioner Moe Ivory,
19:00seen here with her hand on the buzzer,
19:01ready to play the feud.
19:04How did Gabbard offend Ivory?
19:07She showed up
19:09at this FBI raid,
19:12and nobody quite understood
19:13why she was there.
19:14Gabbard offended Ivory
19:16by breaking into her office
19:18and stealing a bunch of stuff,
19:19but at least she didn't look shady as hell.
19:21Whoa, she's holding a gun?
19:22Oh, no, no, no, I can't.
19:24Okay, the phone.
19:28Here's the details on the breaking.
19:30The FBI says
19:31it's executing a search warrant
19:32at a Fulton County elections office
19:33near Atlanta.
19:34The search is connected
19:35to the Justice Department's effort
19:37to seize election records
19:38and search for voter fraud
19:40in the 2020 presidential election.
19:42What exactly were they looking for?
19:44Our ballots.
19:46Votes.
19:47From 2020.
19:48What happened to that sheet of paper?
19:49Did they shred it up?
19:50Does it go in the attic?
19:51Well, it goes to this woman's office.
19:53Right.
19:54And she stores it for years.
19:57According to Fulton County,
19:58the warrant was for records
20:00related to the 2020 election,
20:02and one law enforcement official
20:03told Reuters that agents
20:05were seizing computers
20:06and ballots that could have been
20:08a part of election interference,
20:10but Commissioner Ivory
20:12says that they're really
20:13after something else.
20:15Here's what she said
20:16during the raid.
20:17This is an attempt
20:18to take your vote away.
20:19This is all about November 2026,
20:22about the primary on May 19th
20:23and then the November election.
20:25He does not want
20:26the midterm elections
20:27to take away his power,
20:28so he's trying to create chaos.
20:30So this is what he does.
20:31Chaos in Minnesota,
20:32chaos in Fulton County.
20:34We are a target.
20:35Protect your vote at all costs.
20:36You can't dress like
20:37Michael Jackson on tour
20:39and have me take you seriously.
20:42I'm sorry.
20:44We are a part of a rhythm nation.
20:46Fulton County Commission Chair
20:50Rob Pitts seen here
20:51telling you to go outside
20:52and pick a switch.
20:59Come down here raiding my office.
21:01Go out there and get a switch.
21:03Mr. FBI.
21:06Commissioner Pitts said
21:07that he was, quote,
21:08not surprised by the raid,
21:10adding, quote,
21:11We've known all along
21:12that Fulton County
21:13has been a target
21:14for obvious reasons.
21:16So, question on.
21:18Why have we already known
21:21that this raid was coming?
21:22It's a black county.
21:23It's a Democratic county.
21:25They had black folks
21:26telling white folks
21:27that they were breaking the law
21:29and they didn't like that.
21:31So this one's gonna go fine,
21:34but then they're gonna pull this shit
21:35in a white county
21:36and then watch out.
21:38In an interview
21:38with the New York Times this month,
21:40a reporter said to Trump,
21:41quote,
21:42You once threatened
21:43during the 2020 election
21:44to use the National Guard
21:45to seize election boxes.
21:47You may remember
21:48that you didn't,
21:49in the end, do it.
21:51To which Trump replied,
21:52Well, I should have.
21:54Why would you remind him?
21:57You said you was gonna do
21:58some voter suppression,
21:59but you ain't do it.
22:00You gonna do the voter suppression
22:01this time?
22:02Oh, I forgot all about that.
22:03Let me go do some voter suppression.
22:05Does anyone know
22:06why Tulsi Gabbard
22:08was put in charge
22:09of this particular issue?
22:11She ain't got shit else to do.
22:15The answer is
22:16she's Trump's new revenge bestie.
22:18According to Reuters,
22:19quote,
22:20Gabbard last year
22:21formed a group of dozens
22:22of officials
22:23from across the federal government,
22:24including the Justice Department,
22:26that was helping
22:27to steer Trump's drive
22:28for retribution
22:29against his perceived enemies.
22:32She's like the lead mean girl.
22:34Trump was asked
22:37what was Tulsi doing in Georgia,
22:39and he had this to say.
22:40She's working very hard
22:42on trying to keep
22:42the election safe,
22:44and she's done a very good job.
22:45And they, as you know,
22:47they got into the votes.
22:48You got to sign
22:49the judge's order
22:50in Georgia,
22:51and you're gonna see
22:52some interesting things happening.
22:54They've been trying
22:55to get there
22:55for a long time.
22:56She's supposed to be
22:57the director
22:58of national intelligence.
22:59She doesn't have anything
23:01to do with elections
23:02or ballots.
23:03I mean,
23:04she shouldn't be there.
23:05Let me throw out a hypothetical.
23:06We just kidnapped Maduro
23:08from Venezuela.
23:10Mm-hmm.
23:10There are conspiracy theories
23:12about Venezuelan interference
23:14in the 2020 elections.
23:16What are the odds
23:17that Trump gets Maduro
23:19to confess
23:21to interfering
23:22with the 2020 election
23:23in exchange for clemency
23:25and a few million dollars?
23:27Right?
23:27I heard that on TikTok.
23:29Donald Trump wants
23:32to disenfranchise anyone
23:33that doesn't vote for him.
23:34We can't let them do that.
23:38And if all else fails
23:39and the Republicans
23:40who lose don't want
23:41to give up their seats,
23:42then we will send in
23:44this man
23:45to make them give it up.
23:48I heard you don't want
23:49to give up your seat.
23:52Go outside
23:53and pick a switch.
23:57Let's see your offender.
23:58This is whoever
24:01Madam Tussaud
24:02practiced on
24:03before she figured out
24:05how to make a good wax dummy.
24:07Larry Ellison.
24:09Yes, that's TikTok's
24:10new owner,
24:11Larry Ellison,
24:12seen in that picture,
24:13asking his doctor
24:14if Cialis is right for him.
24:17Now, as TikTok's
24:19new owner,
24:19who did Larry offend?
24:21All of us
24:22by changing
24:22our freaking algorithms,
24:24messing up my shit.
24:25I had my shit perfect.
24:27Fat baby
24:28after fat baby
24:30after fat baby.
24:32And now it's like
24:33a bunch of like
24:3328-year-old white guys
24:35being like,
24:35my wife, what?
24:39Correct, Amber.
24:40Larry offended
24:41a whole bunch
24:42of TikTok users
24:44because they decided
24:46to change up
24:46the algorithm
24:47a little bit.
24:48And people are saying
24:48that they're being censored.
24:50And the app
24:51is changing
24:51what they see
24:52in their search pages
24:53and their FYPs.
24:55Does anyone know
24:56what content
24:56TikTok is being accused
24:58of censoring?
25:00Anything good.
25:00Other than cute babies.
25:02Anything about ICE?
25:04Trump.
25:05Right.
25:06Any criticism
25:06of the Mad King?
25:08When this gets clipped out,
25:09it's going to do
25:10like six views
25:11on TikTok.
25:14Here's Connecticut
25:15Senator Chris Murphy
25:16breaking it all down.
25:17So two really interesting
25:19things happened
25:20this weekend.
25:21First,
25:22a group of
25:24Trump-aligned billionaires
25:25took over control
25:27of TikTok
25:28in the United States.
25:30Second,
25:32it appears
25:33that there was
25:34a widespread suppression
25:36on TikTok
25:36this weekend
25:37of information
25:39coming out
25:39of Minneapolis
25:40and criticism
25:41of Donald Trump.
25:43Those two things
25:44may be coincidental,
25:46but they might not
25:46be coincidental.
25:47Coincidental
25:49or maybe not be.
25:52Which is really
25:53the only two things
25:55anything can be.
25:57It's so funny
25:58to have a bunch
25:59of Americans
26:00be like,
26:00bring back China.
26:02I need China.
26:04China was so much better.
26:06TikTok denies
26:07that they are censoring
26:09anything
26:09and that recent issues
26:11with the app
26:11are simply because
26:13of power outages.
26:14who knows
26:17when the power
26:18go out?
26:18Your TikTok
26:19mute all of your videos
26:21about injustice.
26:23What other
26:24Ellison embarrassment
26:25came to light
26:26this month?
26:28He bought
26:29CBS News
26:30and in about a month
26:32drove it
26:33into the ground?
26:35No, no, no, no.
26:36Something worse
26:37than ruining journalism.
26:38He owns like
26:39all of Lanai,
26:40one of the islands
26:40in Hawaii?
26:41You're close to that.
26:42It's about a boat.
26:43So,
26:44a New York magazine
26:45profile revealed
26:46that Larry Ellison
26:47once bought
26:48a 190-foot yacht
26:49named for the Shinto deity
26:52Izanami.
26:53Oh, yes.
26:54Izanami.
26:55As one does.
26:56And he immediately
26:56sold it
26:57after somebody
26:58pointed out
26:59that Izanami
27:00backwards spells
27:01I'm a Nazi.
27:05I can't imagine
27:07being the buyer
27:08on the other side
27:09like,
27:09so why are you
27:09selling this, Larry?
27:10Listen, man.
27:12That was
27:13Offender Meter.
27:22Welcome back.
27:27It's time for
27:28Like Curious.
27:30I give you
27:31three biographical
27:32details about a public
27:33figure, but only one
27:34is true.
27:35You have to guess
27:36which is the truth
27:37and which are gnarly,
27:38nasty, filthy,
27:39funky lies.
27:40Three facts
27:41about the editor-in-chief
27:43of CBS News,
27:44Barry Weiss,
27:45seen here watching
27:46the ghost of
27:47Walter Cronkite cry.
27:49Our facts are
27:50she got married
27:51in a strip mall.
27:52She went to
27:53space camp three times.
27:55She was in a coma
27:57for six weeks
27:58in 2002.
28:00Team Michael,
28:00which one is the truth?
28:01Space camp three times
28:03seems very plausible
28:04to me.
28:05I feel like she got
28:05married in a strip mall.
28:07Really?
28:07Only, that seems like
28:08some billionaire whisperer
28:09or ho-
28:10like, shit.
28:10What if we did
28:11it the poor way?
28:14All right.
28:14Strip mall.
28:15Team Amber.
28:16Being in a coma
28:16for six weeks
28:17would explain also,
28:19like, what happened
28:19to her brain.
28:20that she's deciding
28:21to take down
28:22something as venerable
28:24as CBS
28:24and doing what she's
28:25doing now
28:26because she needs
28:26the attention.
28:27Roy,
28:29we think this girl
28:30was in a coma
28:30for six weeks
28:31in 2002.
28:33Barry Weiss
28:33got married
28:34at a strip mall.
28:37I knew it!
28:39According to Weiss,
28:40her future wife,
28:41Bailey,
28:41only asked her out
28:42to set her politics
28:44straight,
28:44but a few years later,
28:46they got married
28:47in an Encino strip mall
28:49to set her politics straight.
28:52It's been a rocky few months
28:54since David Ellison
28:55appointed the anti-vote crusader
28:56to head of CBS News
28:57back in October.
28:59There have been mass layoffs,
29:00there's been low morale,
29:01editorial interference,
29:03and Tony DiCoppo
29:03taking over evening news.
29:05But things were so promising
29:07back when Barry Weiss started.
29:09What five-word phrase
29:10did she end
29:11her first
29:12CBS editorial meeting with?
29:15You'll all be fired soon.
29:18Let's go to Panda Express.
29:25At the end
29:26of her first editorial meeting,
29:27Barry amped up the crowd
29:28by saying, quote,
29:29let's do the fucking news.
29:32Oh!
29:33How rad would it be
29:34if Tony DiCoppo
29:36started each broadcast
29:37by saying,
29:38good evening,
29:39I'm Tony DiCoppo,
29:40let's do the fucking news.
29:41Like, how rad would that be?
29:42I would watch that.
29:42That would be good.
29:44Now, she is a woman
29:45with multiple investments,
29:46so if CBS News
29:47and that gig doesn't work out,
29:48she can fall back
29:49on her other jobs.
29:50In 2021,
29:52she co-founded
29:53the University of Austin.
29:55Does anyone know
29:56what pursuit
29:57the University of Austin
29:59is dedicated to?
30:01Podcasting.
30:02What do they specialize in?
30:03Plano's.
30:05The college is dedicated
30:07to free speech.
30:09One ex-board member
30:11described it as,
30:12unwoke you
30:13led by a faculty
30:14of the canceled.
30:17Like, Michael Richards
30:18teaching black history.
30:23Now, in case you're concerned
30:24on whether or not
30:25the University of Austin
30:26is or is not
30:26a real college,
30:27here's a tour
30:29of their converted
30:30office space.
30:31I mean, campus.
30:33Hi!
30:33Welcome to the
30:34University of Austin.
30:35My name is Meg.
30:36This is our UATX library.
30:38It's one of my favorite
30:39places on campus.
30:43Question to the panel.
30:47What was off
30:48about that library?
30:51It didn't have
30:52any books.
30:54Can we see that library
30:55one more time, please?
30:56Now, obviously,
30:59the library just hadn't
31:01got their books yet
31:02because all the books
31:03they ordered
31:03had been banned.
31:06And in case the students
31:07forget who they owe
31:09their education to,
31:10there's also a statue
31:10of the university founder,
31:12which brings us
31:13to the question,
31:14which one of these
31:15busts is Barry Weiss?
31:18First, second,
31:18or third?
31:19This is excellent.
31:20Okay, the middle
31:21is Kathy Bates.
31:23From Misery?
31:23You want me to say
31:23that's Joan of Arc?
31:25Joan of Arc,
31:26Kathy Bates from Misery,
31:27Barry Weiss.
31:28It's the third one,
31:29for sure.
31:30Uh, yes.
31:31Bust number three
31:32is Barry Weiss.
31:33Number one is a
31:33bronze sculpture
31:34of Joan of Arc.
31:35Number two is a resin
31:36sculpture of Kathy Bates'
31:38character in Misery.
31:39Coincidentally, Misery.
31:40That's the vibe
31:41at CBS News right now.
31:43While we're here,
31:44I think we should play
31:45a quick game
31:46of Witch's Hire.
31:47Ooh.
31:47Witch's Hire.
31:48The cost of the resin
31:49Kathy Bates' head
31:50on Etsy
31:51or the cost of tuition
31:53for one year
31:53at Barry Weiss'
31:55University of Austin.
31:56Well, it should be
31:57the head.
31:58It's beautiful.
31:59Okay, so now it gets
32:00into a question
32:01of supply and demand,
32:02right?
32:02So there's only one
32:04Kathy Bates' head
32:06from Misery.
32:07There's infinite number
32:08of seats
32:09at the University of Austin.
32:11I want to say
32:12Kathy Bates
32:13is more.
32:14It's definitely
32:15the University of Austin
32:16because
32:16it's always a grift.
32:19The cost of
32:19Kathy Bates' head
32:20is $240.
32:22The cost of tuition
32:23for one year
32:24at the University of Austin
32:25is $0
32:26thanks to a
32:28$100 million donation
32:30from conservative
32:32billionaire Jeff Yass.
32:33You mean bribe.
32:35Donation.
32:37Bribe.
32:38The person who
32:40made that bust,
32:41give me the camera.
32:42That shit costs
32:44more than $240.
32:46Shame on you.
32:48Up that price
32:49right now.
32:50Whoever
32:50made that mask
32:52of Kathy Bates,
32:54Amber has promised
32:55you $1,000.
32:58This has been
32:59Lycurious.
33:00More after the break.
33:00Welcome back.
33:14It's time for
33:15Missing Words.
33:17Here's your headline.
33:18TSA's most unusual
33:20fines of 2025
33:21include
33:22blank.
33:23That guy's
33:24cold balls.
33:25TSA's most
33:28unusual fines
33:29of 2025
33:30include
33:31turtles in a bra.
33:33Oh.
33:34Yes.
33:36Yeah.
33:37Cool.
33:38The turtle incident
33:38occurred last July
33:40when TSA officials
33:41in Miami
33:41caught a woman
33:42trying to sneak
33:42two turtles
33:43past security
33:45in her bra
33:45and sadly
33:46one of the turtles
33:48that was stuffed
33:48in the woman's bra
33:49did not survive
33:51the ordeal.
33:53What a way to go.
33:55If I'm going to die,
33:57that's how I want to go.
33:58Yeah.
33:59Last week,
33:59TSA revealed a video
34:00counting down
34:01their weirdest
34:02finds of 2025.
34:04Here's TSA's
34:05YouTube channel.
34:06This really happened.
34:07Shotgun in a golf bag.
34:09Bullets inside
34:10strawberry Nesquik.
34:12Knife hidden
34:13in a car seat.
34:14A replica pipe bomb
34:15and C4 blocks.
34:18I'm glad to see
34:19that my ways
34:20of smuggling things
34:20were not on that list.
34:23I'm still good.
34:25Here's your headline.
34:29Shoplifter steals
34:30blank
34:31by stuffing it
34:32down his pants.
34:34Turtle.
34:36Shoplifter steals
34:37$100 cowboy steak
34:40by stuffing it
34:41down his pants.
34:43Was it a tomahawk?
34:44It better be
34:45for $100.
34:45$100.
34:46Better be bone in.
34:48Here's South Florida
34:49local news.
34:49It was bone in all right.
34:50Here's South Florida
34:56local news
34:57with the story.
34:58This guy goes up
34:59to the high-end
35:00steak aisle.
35:01Okay, there's more.
35:02There's also
35:02a massive brisket.
35:04I guess he was
35:04wearing loose jeans.
35:06Big, big pants.
35:07He came over here,
35:08looked around
35:08to see if anybody
35:09was looking,
35:10and he shoved it
35:11in his pants.
35:12That barbecue
35:13is going to be
35:13real strange.
35:14What is this seasoning?
35:20Here's your headline.
35:22Gen Z turning to AI
35:23for blank.
35:25Well, we already know
35:26that they're using it
35:27as their little girlfriends
35:28and their little therapists,
35:30so this one has to be
35:31weirder than that.
35:32Healthcare?
35:34That shit is gone
35:35otherwise?
35:37Gen Z turning to AI
35:39for STD help.
35:41Oh, my God.
35:43Who else are you
35:43going to tell
35:43that your dick hurts?
35:48A new survey says
35:49that 20% of Gen Z
35:51uses AI chatbots
35:53for STI and STD questions.
35:55So, yes,
35:56you got a chat GPT
35:57and you got chat HPV.
36:01It's probably not
36:02a good idea
36:02because, number one,
36:04you don't have
36:04the same privacy protections
36:06that you'd have
36:07under HIPAA,
36:08and also,
36:09chatbots misdiagnosed
36:1031% of cases.
36:12It's a chatbot.
36:14It's not a doctor.
36:16At best,
36:17it went to the
36:18University of Austin.
36:20Yes.
36:23That's missing words.
36:24More after the break.
36:24Welcome back.
36:35It's time for
36:35Witch's Hire.
36:36I'll give you
36:37two unrelated numbers
36:38from the news.
36:38You tell me,
36:39Witch's Hire.
36:40This week marks
36:41the theatrical release
36:42of the documentary film
36:44Melania.
36:45The movie follows
36:46the president's third wife
36:47in the lead-up to her husband's
36:48second inauguration
36:50last January.
36:51Here's a clip
36:51from the trailer.
36:52Everyone wants to know.
36:55So here it is.
37:01Hi, Mr. President.
37:03Congratulations.
37:04Did you watch it?
37:05I did not.
37:06Yeah, I will see it
37:07on the news.
37:11Did you watch me
37:13get my inauguration?
37:14I did not.
37:17That brings us
37:17to the question,
37:18which is higher?
37:19The number of seats
37:20sold for Friday's
37:213.40 p.m.
37:22showing of Melania
37:23at AMC's
37:2534th Street Theater
37:26here in New York City
37:27or the world record
37:29for the number of people
37:30who can fit
37:31in a smart car.
37:33Which is higher?
37:35Which is higher.
37:38More people can fit
37:39in a smart car
37:39than went to the 3.30
37:41showing of Melania.
37:42No question.
37:43No notes.
37:43I think that
37:45eight people
37:46went to see Melania
37:47and I think
37:48seven people
37:50can fit
37:51in that tiny little car.
37:53The number of seats
37:54sold for Friday's
37:553.40 p.m.
37:56showing of Melania
37:57at AMC's
37:5834th Street Theater
37:59is 15.
38:00Oh.
38:01And the number of people
38:01who can fit
38:02in a smart car
38:03is 20.
38:04And that smart car number
38:09is 100% accurate.
38:12Watch them set
38:13the world record.
38:14Oh, no.
38:24Y'all laughing.
38:25That's what them Uber pools
38:26gonna be like pretty soon.
38:28The gas keep going up.
38:30Does anyone know
38:31how Melania
38:32might actually help
38:33the economy?
38:34I mean,
38:35it's possible
38:37people will self-deport
38:39after watching it.
38:41That could bring down
38:42housing prices.
38:44It'll help the economy
38:45because you can get paid
38:47to see
38:48the Melania documentary.
38:50What?
38:51What?
38:52According to this
38:52Craigslist ad in Boston,
38:54you can earn $50
38:56plus the price of admission
38:57if you buy a ticket
38:58for any showing
39:00in the Boston area
39:01this weekend.
39:03Now, people online,
39:04they can say anything
39:05about the film,
39:05but we know the critics
39:06saw the film.
39:08What are the critics
39:09saying about
39:10the Melania documentary?
39:11Like, I paid $50.
39:14The Independent
39:15kicks off their review
39:16with the headline,
39:17quote,
39:18First Lady
39:18is a preening,
39:20scowling void
39:20of pure nothingness
39:22in this ghastly bit
39:23of propaganda.
39:24and Variety says,
39:33quote,
39:34Melania is a documentary
39:35that never comes to life,
39:37an orchestrated
39:37and airbrushed portrait
39:39that barely rises
39:40to the level
39:41of a shameless infomercial.
39:44But what about
39:45all the Melania fans?
39:47Thankfully,
39:47all the Melania-nics
39:48out there
39:49can stop by Regal Cinemas
39:51for their very own
39:52Melania popcorn bucket.
39:55Popcorn bucket
39:56is $13.
39:57That means you'll still
39:58have $37 left
40:00to do whatever
40:00you want with.
40:02That was
40:03Witch's Hire.
40:13It's time for
40:14Who's That Baby?
40:15I'll show you
40:16a famous person's
40:18baby picture
40:18and you tell me
40:20Who's That Baby?
40:22Let's see our baby.
40:24You ever seen a baby
40:24that just looked like
40:25a Phyllis?
40:27Here are your clues.
40:29This person met
40:29their spouse
40:30when they were
40:30only 12 years old.
40:31Oh, no.
40:32They're an Academy Award winner
40:34who also has
40:35the titular song
40:36on an animated soundtrack.
40:38And at the Paris Olympics,
40:39they had a famous
40:40comeback performance
40:41at the base
40:42of the Eiffel Tower.
40:43Celine Dion?
40:44Yeah.
40:45That baby
40:45Celine Dion?
40:47Oh!
40:48The spouse thing
40:49at 12 is sad.
40:51They didn't get married
40:51at 12.
40:53Bonus question
40:54just to your ass.
40:56What size shoe
40:57does Celine Dion wear?
40:59How would you ask that
41:00unless it was massive?
41:02I would say 12.
41:04Big old feet.
41:05Her feet will go on.
41:10I would say 10.
41:11Five.
41:12It's a trick question.
41:14Every time I went to a store
41:15and I loved those shoes,
41:16they said,
41:16what size are you, ma'am?
41:18I said, no,
41:18you don't understand.
41:19What size do you have?
41:21I'll make them work.
41:22I'll make them fit.
41:23I will walk the shoe.
41:25I walk the shoe.
41:26The shoe don't walk me.
41:28That's how she can hit
41:29those high notes
41:30because her feet
41:30are so tight.
41:31That was Who's That Baby.
41:35I want to thank our guests,
41:36Tara Setmeyer
41:36and Nimesh Patel.
41:39And of course,
41:40thank you to our team,
41:41captains Amber Ruffin
41:43and Michael Ian Black.
41:44I'm Roy Woodjoole,
41:45and I'll see you next week
41:46for another episode
41:47of Have I Got News For You.
41:48Good night.
41:48Have I Got News For You.
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