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00:00Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:22I am Roy Wood Jr. in the news this week.
00:26America's drunkest aunt makes wedding toast.
00:29All of you young people out there, keep having babies.
00:32All right, that's my message tonight.
00:34Terminator, sent back in time, fails to complete mission.
00:38I was the product of an unplanned teen pregnancy.
00:42U.S. Olympic ice dancing team takes shape.
00:45You invited podcast me to the end.
00:51On Amber's team tonight, you know it from Conan.
00:54It's podcast Three Questions with Andy Richter
00:56and Dancing with the Stars tonight.
00:57He's gonna do some verbal dancing with these stars.
01:00Welcome back to the show, Andy Richter.
01:03Hello.
01:06And joining team Michael, she's an Emmy Award winner
01:10who's worked everywhere from The Hollywood Reporter to InStyle.
01:13Currently, she's the CEO and editor-in-chief of Ankler Media,
01:16but apparently she still won't introduce me to Holly Berry.
01:20It's Janis Smith.
01:22Let's do it in 2026.
01:27Now, for the biggest stories of the week for the first time this year.
01:30Amber, Andy, watch the clips.
01:32Okay.
01:33Tell me, what is the story?
01:35Okay, so Trump tries to clap on beat, he can't.
01:37Yeah.
01:38Words too small for him to read.
01:39That's right.
01:40And, oh, man, the price of groceries.
01:42Oh, groceries.
01:43Oh, have they gone down?
01:45Okay, yeah.
01:46It's a year of this Trump term and we're in the shitter.
01:51You know, the shitter is a relative assessment, but I'll give you points.
01:57Yay!
01:58Yes.
01:59The story is, the first year of Trump's second term is behind us one down,
02:04only 39 more years to go.
02:06Uh, and this week, the president reminded us all
02:10that he literally wrote the book on accomplishment.
02:13These are all...
02:15Each line is something that we did.
02:16Nobody did that before.
02:19And it's big stuff, too.
02:21Look, we have the hottest country in the world.
02:26I would certainly agree that nobody has done what he has done.
02:31I would agree with that.
02:33I would agree with that.
02:33He said he's accomplished some things in the first year.
02:36He's compiled them all into a book.
02:38Let's hear some of the accomplishments.
02:41And this is something...
02:42Ooh, I'm glad my finger wasn't in that sucker.
02:45They could have done some damage, but you know what?
02:47I wouldn't have shown the pain.
02:49I would have gone back.
02:50Wait, did you hear that?
02:51That... That was nasty.
02:53But I would not have shown the pain.
02:56I would have acted like nothing happened as my finger fell off.
02:59Are we sure his finger isn't falling off, though?
03:03That was obviously his first encounter with office supplies.
03:06I mean, people say that there aren't accomplishments,
03:10but if you want to see accomplishments under this term, just look at what the president has done with Washington, D.C.
03:17D.C. is now...
03:18You can walk right from here to a restaurant, right through the center of town.
03:22You can be with your child, with your loved one, with your lover.
03:27Your lover's not gonna be killed.
03:29You can act like a real lover.
03:31You can act like a real lover.
03:32Was he saying you could walk to a restaurant with your child, comma...
03:39It's not all binders full of accomplishments.
03:45According to a fact-check by The New York Times, quote,
03:48falsehoods fueled Trump's first year back in office.
03:53What?
03:53What?
03:56Trump made a lot of promises to win the 2024 election,
04:00so we're gonna do a little fact-checking to see what promises he kept
04:04and which promises he broke and whether or not it matters.
04:08Uh, first one, uh, Trump was in Switzerland this week for the World Economic Forum,
04:13so let's start with the U.S. economy.
04:15Here's Trump on the campaign trail back in 2024.
04:19Starting on day one, we will end inflation and make America affordable again.
04:25It's not affordable now.
04:26People are dying.
04:27They can't afford bacon.
04:29They can't afford anything.
04:30That was terrible when people were dying from bacon starvation.
04:34That was terrible.
04:36Where are we now with inflation?
04:38Is America affordable again, Amber?
04:41Well, if affordable...
04:43...means hard to purchase,
04:46then yes, he really has.
04:49I mean, look who he surrounds himself with, right?
04:51Billionaires, the wealthiest people.
04:53Janice, I have to interrupt, because you're talking about affordability,
04:56and I keep staring at these gorgeous diamond earrings.
04:58Michael!
05:00What?
05:01I said they're gorgeous.
05:03They're embarrassing me in front of my new friend!
05:05They're gorgeous. That's what I said.
05:07Oh, my God.
05:08I led them gorgeous.
05:09Trump had that to say in 2024 about the economy.
05:11Let's see where we are right now.
05:13President Trump has still not made good on his day one promise to lower grocery prices.
05:18Despite his claims that they're going down, grocery prices actually rose.
05:222.4% for Americans over the last year.
05:26My judge of the economy is how many of my comedian friends on Instagram are now trying to sell themselves doing cameos.
05:33We are in the toilet.
05:36Andy, ask Michael if he's on Cameo.
05:40Oh!
05:41Oh!
05:42Oh!
05:43Now, let's be fair.
05:44Uh, the administration is still very hard at work on the economy, especially grocery prices.
05:50In fact, Agriculture Secretary Brooke Rollins went viral this month with some grocery price calculations of her own.
05:57Question, what daily meal does Agriculture Secretary Brooke Rollins say only cost three dollars?
06:08Two Costco hot dogs.
06:10Healthy meal.
06:11Oh!
06:12One Costco hot dog.
06:14It was, she described it as a piece of chicken, a corn tortilla, a piece of broccoli, and something else.
06:25Let's hear it from Brooke.
06:28It can cost around three dollars a meal for a piece of chicken, a piece of broccoli, um, you know, corn tortilla, and one other thing.
06:38What the fuck does this bitch eat?
06:41We said before the show we weren't gonna curse, and we...
06:44Oh!
06:45Let's start over, let's start over.
06:48Okay, now we're not gonna cuss.
06:50And also, how do you go to the grocery store like, one floret?
06:53That's right.
06:55Now, the economy has always been one issue with the president in the first year.
06:58The other issue, some would say the biggest issue, is immigration.
07:02Now, ICE has their sights set on the state of Maine.
07:06Kristi Noem's DHS, they love to give little cutesy operation names to what ICE is doing.
07:11In North Carolina, it was called Operation Charlotte's Web, and in Florida, it was called Operation Tidal Wave.
07:18Mm-hmm.
07:19What is the new operation name for the immigration movement that's gonna be happening in the state of Maine?
07:24Operation what, Epstein files?
07:30It's called Operation Catch of the Day.
07:33Wow. Oh, my God.
07:34Oh, damn.
07:35Oh, yes, because when you get a bunch of ICE agents together, it is known as a shrimp fest.
07:40Uh...
07:41So, Trump has kept some of his promises and broken others, and there's a binder full of accomplishments, but it's on the floor.
07:51Uh...
07:52Question.
07:53How has everything that Trump has either done or not done affected his popularity in his first year?
08:00Poorly, right?
08:01Okay.
08:0235% approval rating?
08:03Uh, here's, uh, CNN's Harry Enten, uh, breaking down how America feels about Trump right now.
08:09The only person who is even lower than Donald Trump when it comes to his net approval rating at this point into term number two is Richard Nixon.
08:18And according to those Epstein files, that's not the first time Trump's been under Bubba.
08:22Is it possible for the president to turn this around in his third term?
08:39I mean, you know, like, I think the thing that confounds me is, like, he's a lame duck president, right?
08:44And you still have all the Republicans around him just terrified.
08:49I think it's terrifying to them to think that they're gonna, um, like, incur his wrath.
08:54And, I mean, there are things that have happened in our culture now where people are getting, like, judges are getting shot at their homes, right?
09:00Like, that, um, he will, like, run Marjorie Taylor Greene out of office.
09:04Like, it is...
09:05All right, so he's done some good things.
09:08His plan is to do whatever the toot he wants for four years.
09:13And then, right before the next election, he's going to offer everyone $1,700 like before.
09:22And then people are gonna be like, well, $1,700.
09:26Michael and Janice, watch the clip. Tell me, what is the story?
09:29Oh, there's that same guy.
09:31Yeah.
09:32Uh, I don't know what flag... Oh, is that Greenland's flag?
09:34Or Denmark's?
09:35I'm gonna say this is about Greenland's final answer.
09:40Points.
09:41Oh!
09:42Yes.
09:43Yes.
09:44Trump says we need Greenland, quote,
09:46For the purpose of national security.
09:48Sure.
09:49He's been obsessed with Greenland since 2019, telling the Times journalist, quote,
09:52You take a look at a map. I love maps.
09:56And I always said, look at the size of this. It's massive.
10:00That should be a part of the United States.
10:02Why does Trump think Greenland is so huge?
10:07When he holds his hand up to the map?
10:09He's like, wow.
10:11Part of why Donald Trump thinks that Greenland is so damn big
10:14is because of something called the Mercator projection.
10:16And it's a map-making distortion that makes Greenland look bigger
10:19than even Africa.
10:20Oh, my God.
10:21Even though, in reality, Africa is 14 times larger...
10:25What?
10:26...than Greenland.
10:27What made Trump so angry that Greenland became a priority for him?
10:30He wrote this fascinating message to the Prime Minister of Denmark, or Norway, saying,
10:37Yes.
10:38Hey, you didn't give me the Nobel Peace Prize, so I guess I gotta take Greenland.
10:42Yeah.
10:43That's what he texted the Prime Minister of Norway last weekend.
10:46Dear Jonas, considering your country decided not to give me the Nobel Peace Prize for having
10:51stopped eight wars plus, I no longer feel an obligation to think purely of peace.
10:56What is the problem with Trump's argument in that regard?
10:59He... that he's the opposite of peace?
11:03The government of Norway does not give out the Nobel Peace Prize, as Norwegian Prime Minister
11:10Jona Garstor said in a statement, quote,
11:13I have clearly explained... that's my... that's my Norwegian accent.
11:18I like that accent.
11:19I have clearly explained, including to President Trump, what is well known.
11:23The prize is awarded by an independent Nobel Committee, and not the Norwegian government.
11:30Stop fucking calling me, man.
11:35How do Greenlanders feel about maybe becoming the 51st state?
11:41Well, all 12 of them got together and said, uh-uh. No way.
11:46Here's a Greenlander explaining why Trump's plan is dumb as hell. Watch.
11:51We wouldn't give up free healthcare. We wouldn't give up, uh, free education.
11:56We don't really value cash and Kardashian lips and fake boobs and stuff like that very highly.
12:03Well, that's going too far.
12:05Why does she have to drag us like that?
12:08Yeah.
12:09But you know why they don't value vapid plastic surgeries up there?
12:14It's because they're everybody in a coat. You can't see that ass.
12:16Yeah.
12:18But it all came to a head earlier this week at a World Economic Forum in Davos,
12:23where Trump laid out his master plan for territorial expansion. Take a look.
12:28Everyone talks about the minerals. There's so many places. There's no rare earth. No such thing as rare earth.
12:35But there's so much rare earth. And this is to get to this rare earth.
12:39You settled other wars that were. Vladimir Putin called me. Armenian.
12:45Do I have dementia or does he?
12:52You don't know about rare earth?
12:54We never heard of rare earth.
12:57It's so important these days. You gotta get that.
13:02Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
13:04Question. Does anyone know what happened after Trump's speech on Wednesday that may have proven his strategy about Greenland right or wrong?
13:13Honestly, I have no idea.
13:15They started to negotiate, right?
13:17Mm-hmm.
13:18And Denmark kind of gave some concessions, like you can come over here and we invite you to build some military bases that already exist.
13:26Mm-hmm.
13:27Plus some. And then what else am I missing?
13:30Nothing.
13:31That's it.
13:32That's it.
13:33I mean...
13:34Here's CBS with the details.
13:35Based upon a very productive meeting that I have had with the Secretary General of NATO, Mark Rutte,
13:40we have formed the framework of a future deal with respect to Greenland and in fact the entire Arctic region.
13:46This solution, if consummated, will be a great one for the United States of America and all NATO nations.
13:53Why would you say consummate? Why can't you just say we did it?
13:56Mm-hmm.
13:59Is Greenland the 51st state officially now?
14:02Well, I mean, the stock market collapsed when he got aggressive about Greenland.
14:05And then because Trump always has to present everything as a win, then the next day he can say there's a deal.
14:11You know?
14:12Here's NATO Secretary General Mark Rutte on Fox with the answer.
14:17Greenland still...
14:19Is it still under the Kingdom of Denmark in this framework deal?
14:25That issue did not come up anymore in my conversations tonight, Mr. Pleasant.
14:30What's going on with the details? The details didn't come up.
14:32He also said in that, too, he said, which he said this before, we have the framework of a deal.
14:37Oh, he said we have the framework for a future deal.
14:39Yeah, the framework.
14:40Framework just means an empty adult diaper of nothingness.
14:45But when talking about Trump, the adult diaper is rarely empty, Andy.
14:50Oh, my God.
14:52Details of the deal are scarce, but the reviews of Trump's time in Davos are pouring in.
14:59How do you think our friends at Fox News felt about Trump's appearance?
15:04They think he consummated that appearance.
15:11Here's Greg Gutfeld on the issue.
15:13Love him or hate him, when he leaves that room, everybody there felt like America first threw up all over them.
15:20I don't disagree with that analysis at all.
15:24And that's somebody who likes Trump.
15:26Yeah.
15:27What did Trump launch this week to replace our international alliances?
15:33It's some fun name, like the Peace Police.
15:36The Peace Group.
15:37Peace Posse.
15:38Peace Posse.
15:39Final answer.
15:40On Thursday, Donald Trump launched the Board of Peace.
15:45Yes.
15:46Trump led a signing ceremony for the Board of Peace, saying it would work on peace in the Middle East
15:52and hinting at wider ambitions.
15:54B-O-A-R-D or B-O-R-E-D?
15:57Oh, that's good.
16:00Are you board of peace?
16:02Oh.
16:03Hit him with a missile.
16:05Oh.
16:06So far, the countries that have accepted the invitation to join the Board of Peace include Bahrain,
16:13Azerbaijan, Bulgaria, Hungary, Kazakhstan, Kosovo, Mongolia, Saudi Arabia, and Uzbekistan.
16:20Oh.
16:21Wow.
16:22Some good names on that.
16:23Sure, sure.
16:24Peaceful name.
16:25We got Bahrain.
16:26We got Kosovo.
16:27Is it Azerbaijan?
16:28Yeah, yeah.
16:29Azerbaijan.
16:30Let's see how Trump pronounce it.
16:32A-ber-ba-jahn.
16:33Any foreign word out of his mouth sounds like a stripper name.
16:37Oh, my God.
16:38Please welcome to the stage, Azerbaijan.
16:41A-ber-ba-jahn.
16:43She stands in November rain by Guns N' Roses.
16:48It's Azerbaijan.
16:50Now, we know who's in, but which countries have denied to join the Board of Peace?
16:56Declined every other country.
16:58Uh, several countries have declined Trump's invitation to the Board of Peace, including
17:03France, which resulted in Trump saying he would put a 200% tariff on wine and champagne.
17:10Yeah.
17:11You don't want to join my super friends, bitch.
17:14I'm going to tax all of that Ziffindale.
17:16Oh, my God.
17:17That was Ziffindale.
17:18Zinfindale?
17:19Zinfindale.
17:20Now, coming to the stage, Zinfindale.
17:27Welcome back.
17:34It is time for the Offend-O-Meter.
17:38Teams have to tell us who's the offender, what they did, and who they offended.
17:42Let's see your offender, teams.
17:44Oh, that's Eric Swalwell.
17:46It is.
17:47Okay.
17:48And who did Eric Swalwell offend?
17:50Eric Spitwell?
17:51Put your hand up.
18:01I'm going to go with Eric Spitwell.
18:04Swalwell offended Congressional Republicans.
18:08Oh, my God.
18:09Now, how did he offend?
18:11Oh, this one I know.
18:13He called them all liars and-and phonies because...
18:16But that's true.
18:17...they make fun of Trump behind his back.
18:19Yeah.
18:20But yet they insulted all the January 6th police that were there.
18:24Uh, yeah.
18:25Points.
18:27Oh!
18:28Yeah!
18:29Spitwell was pretty good, though.
18:32Congressman Swalwell...
18:34Oh!
18:35...offended Republicans in Congress by calling them out in a congressional hearing.
18:43To their face, on Thursday, former special counsel Jack Smith testified before the House Judiciary Committee
18:48about his investigations into Trump.
18:51And during those hearings, Congressman Swalwell let his real feelings fly.
18:56My Republican colleagues are a joke.
18:59They're wrong.
19:00History will harshly judge them.
19:02These guys are so lucky they're not under oath.
19:04Because they would have to tell you what they really think of Trump.
19:08They call him crooked.
19:10They call him cruel.
19:11They call him a scumbag.
19:13I've heard you all say it.
19:15But when the lights go on and the cameras are on, you're tiny.
19:18You're small.
19:19You shrink.
19:20Just saying, this is a man trying to get elected to be governor of California now, right?
19:29So, like, has he been saying this all along?
19:31Or only in the campaign year?
19:33So what?
19:34I know.
19:35Let him say stuff like that that then gets put out there and then other people get brave
19:40enough to say shit like that.
19:41Points for that because no one's saying it at all.
19:42Yes, yes.
19:43Okay.
19:44Fair.
19:45But if he's ultimately trying to run on something that he just recently started platforming,
19:50does he seem sincere to you?
19:52Ain't none of them motherfuckers sincere?
19:54Is that up to this guy?
19:56Let him say the good thing we need this country to be doing.
20:00Let him have it.
20:01Let us at least hear it.
20:02Let it fall on my ears and bring me an ounce of joy.
20:06Yeah.
20:07Now, what was the purpose of that hearing?
20:09Oh, it was Jack Smith.
20:10It was the final report on the January 6th stuff.
20:13Yes.
20:14Yes, it was.
20:15The hearing was to review the work of Jack Smith's Office of Special Counseling and their
20:19investigation into one Donald Trump.
20:21While the testimony was happening, Donald Trump threw one of his signature truth social temper
20:27tantrums saying things like, quote, deranged Jack Smith is being decimated before Congress
20:33and Jack Smith is a deranged animal who shouldn't be allowed to practice law.
20:40It's kind of a sign of progress that he thought a white man an animal.
20:44It's just nice to spread it around.
20:46Oh, my God.
20:47Now, question, uh, given Trump's measured thoughtful response, what do you think Jack
20:54Smith might have said during the hearing about the president?
20:58That bitch is a crook.
21:00Here's the former special counsel making one thing very clear.
21:05President Trump engaged in a criminal scheme to overturn the results and prevent the lawful
21:11transfer of power.
21:12President Trump illegally kept classified documents at his Mar-a-Lago Social Club.
21:16Our investigation developed proof beyond a reasonable doubt that President Trump engaged in criminal activity.
21:23That guy is deranged.
21:24Animal.
21:25Now, there were a lot of interesting things that happened at this hearing.
21:29But there was one key moment involving the Capitol Police.
21:33And before I play this clip, question to the panel.
21:37If you had the chance to confront your mortal enemy at a congressional hearing, what would you say to them?
21:46I would say go fuck yourself.
21:53I mean, I'm just spitballing.
21:56Or swallow-balling.
21:59There's a moment in the hearing when Republican Congressman Troy Nail speaks directly to the officers who fought to protect members of Congress during the January 6 uprising.
22:10And, uh, let's just say those officers don't agree with him.
22:14I would like to quickly address the police officers on January 6.
22:17I can tell you, gentlemen, that the fault does not lie with Donald Trump.
22:23It lies with Yogananda Pittman and the U.S. Capitol leadership team.
22:29We know.
22:30We know.
22:31They had the intelligence.
22:33What's up?
22:34Show us.
22:50I thought you were kidding!
22:51Also, bonus points for covering his mouth.
22:55Because measles is back.
23:01It's going around.
23:02All right, let's see your offender.
23:05Who's this?
23:06Oh, oh, oh.
23:07Oh, that is a greasy child.
23:10Is that?
23:11Yeah, it's Brooklyn Beckham.
23:13Brooklyn Beckham?
23:14Yeah.
23:15Yeah, I just learned who this was this week.
23:19I'm so caught up in black people gossip,
23:21I just slipped through the cracks.
23:23I'm sorry, we're too busy having
23:25Tayana Taylor discourse in the black community right now.
23:28That is British media personality
23:30and a pot dealer in every after-school special.
23:35Brooklyn, pull him back up again, does he not?
23:38Yeah, yeah.
23:40Oh my God.
23:41That's shiny Brad.
23:42He looked like the dude in the Lifetime movie
23:44who'd walk up to the, where are you going, Olivia?
23:46Yeah, yeah.
23:48He's not abusive, he's just firm.
23:50Yeah.
23:53Who did Brooklyn Beckham offend?
23:56His parents.
23:58Yes, he did.
23:59Brooklyn Beckham offended his parents,
24:01Victoria and David Beckham, seen here saying,
24:04we saw you from across the bar and wondering if you...
24:09Wanted to know if you wanted to buy some Botox.
24:12For $1 million.
24:15So we know who he offended.
24:16How did Brooklyn Beckham offend?
24:18I only know this story
24:19because my wife read it to me from her phone in bed.
24:21But, but like...
24:23Yeah, it was exciting.
24:24But Andy, like, no one understands it still.
24:27No one really understands what this is about.
24:29Yeah.
24:29I'm not 100% sure what happened, but this is what I heard during lunch.
24:33Hmm.
24:34The woman said that she wanted the first dance with her son.
24:39She danced with him inappropriately.
24:41That made everybody feel bad and embarrassed her son.
24:45Brooklyn Beckham first took to Instagram earlier this week to share some truth bombs about the family.
24:50Uh, in an Instagram post that, uh, I can only describe as if War and Peace was somehow the introduction to an even longer book.
24:59He tears into his parents.
25:02He said all types of stuff in all of those swipes.
25:04He said things like, quote,
25:05He's saying that basically the family only cares about making money on some Kardashian-type stuff.
25:17And I don't really think that's true because just a quick look shows that the Beckham family has only done ads for, you know,
25:24Brill cream, Pepsi, Adidas, something called Vodafone, Uber Eats, perfume, watches, whiskey, skincare, a fashion line.
25:32I'm sorry. That's all we have time for to mention right now.
25:36Do they do cameos?
25:40Because that is the mark of desperation.
25:43Brooklyn went on in his Instagram post to say that his family was not happy with a particular person in his life.
25:49Who is that person? Andy Richter.
25:50Oh, the wife.
25:51Yes. It's Brooklyn's wife, Nicola Peltz-Beckham.
25:55Seen here, about to sneeze.
25:57Oh.
25:58Here's what happened at what was supposed to be the happy couple's first dance.
26:02My mom hijacked my first dance with my wife.
26:05Mark Anthony called me to the stage where my mom was waiting to dance with me instead.
26:10She danced very inappropriately on me in front of everyone.
26:14Danced inappropriately on me.
26:17Yeah, yeah.
26:18She was backing it up, dude.
26:20Yeah.
26:21It's actually kind of sweet for you to drag your entire family for your brand new wife.
26:27That's nice.
26:28Here's the Beckham's wedding DJ, Fat Tony.
26:31Here's Fat Tony earlier this week setting the scene.
26:37Mark Anthony was performing on stage.
26:39He then called Brooklyn onto stage where the next minute everyone was expecting it to be Nicola
26:47to go up and do the first dance.
26:50And then he asks the most beautifulest woman in the room to come to the stage.
26:54And then he says, Victoria, come to the stage.
26:57I was expecting I heard fat.
26:58I know.
26:59I was not expecting that.
27:00Yeah.
27:01He should be called Ozampic Tone.
27:02He was fat before he took all that E. My God.
27:08Where's the video?
27:11When do we see this?
27:12Now, the description is one thing, but this is a moment you have to see to believe.
27:16But unfortunately, even TMZ claims that the wedding dance video will never be seen.
27:24Ever.
27:25And that's what they think, because here at Have I Got News for you, we've obtained exclusive access to some salacious dance footage.
27:35Roll it.
27:36That was Offend-O-Meter.
28:01Welcome back.
28:10It's time for Lie Curious.
28:11I give you three biographical details about a public figure, but only one is true.
28:17You have to guess which is the truth and which are odious, unspeakable lies.
28:22Time now for three facts about recently promoted CBS News anchor and...
28:26Oh, my God.
28:27...man who has the perfect Joe line, Tony DiCoppo.
28:31A facts are he bought a Pez dispenser in every state.
28:35His father was a marijuana kingpin.
28:37He's the reigning East Coast champion of How I Met Your Mother trivia.
28:42Wow.
28:43Which one is the truth?
28:45It's Pez.
28:46That jumped out to me, too, right?
28:47Like, that's such a nerdy news dude thing to do.
28:50Yes.
28:51Marijuana kingpin.
28:52Final answer.
28:53Marijuana kingpin over there.
28:54Pez.
28:55What?
28:56What?
28:57What?
28:58Yes.
28:59I'm 420 friendly.
29:02Oh, my God.
29:04A marijuana kingpin, or as NPR's Fresh Air so eloquently put it...
29:10If you smoked Colombian weed in the 1970s and 80s, our guest, Tony DiCoppo, would like
29:16to thank you.
29:17He says you paid for his swim lessons and kept him in the best private school in South Florida.
29:22Oh, my God.
29:23But don't worry.
29:24Even after serving a little bit of jail time, DiCoppo's dad gets to enjoy life as he turns
29:29a question about the money he made selling weed into talking about what he's really into.
29:35Three million, maybe four or five million.
29:38Most of it, he says, went to feed his addictions to drugs and women.
29:42It was just fun.
29:43It was just fun.
29:44I mean, I love women.
29:45I love to be around them.
29:46But I never get a chance to do that.
29:48So I'm estranged from them.
29:51You're not going to be in the present, but you had a nice run.
29:54Oh, my, oh, my.
29:56Oh, my God.
30:01Say something.
30:02When a man closes his eyes to remember that thing.
30:05Oh, that was a good one.
30:08You remembered her so well, it made his mustache lean.
30:11Time for three facts about Minnesota senator and a woman who isn't going to let you leave
30:20till you try her tater tot hot dish.
30:23Amy Klobuchar, the senator, was in the news this week when she filed paperwork to run for governor of Minnesota.
30:31Our facts about Amy Klobuchar are she carries jumper cables in her purse.
30:37She forbids anyone on her Senate staff from getting her hairstyle.
30:43Wow.
30:44She raised $17,000 from ex-boyfriends for her Senate campaign.
30:49I like that one.
30:50I want all of these to be true.
30:51Which one is the truth?
30:52Yeah, yeah.
30:53I want her to forbid people from getting her hair cut because that's fun.
30:57My eyes sort of went to number three.
30:59I agree.
31:00Maybe in the first Senate campaign, she reaches out to her exes and they sent her a very little
31:05amount of money.
31:06Amy Klobuchar raised $17,000 of ex-boyfriends for her Senate campaign.
31:13Here she is talking about it in 2019.
31:16I set a Senate record one year by raising $17,000 from ex-boyfriends.
31:28I did that.
31:29Oh my God.
31:30Amy just calls you up.
31:31Amy.
31:32It's time for missing words.
31:45Here's your headline.
31:48Blank could protect your brain and prevent Alzheimer's.
31:52Helmets.
31:53What I want it to be is alcohol.
31:57Is it alcohol?
31:58Yeah, yeah.
31:59Rory, is it alcohol?
32:01Sniffing your own farts.
32:02No.
32:03Could protect your brain and prevent Alzheimer's.
32:04Wow.
32:05I'm gonna live forever.
32:06I like...
32:07It's sniffing.
32:08Like, that's way more active than smelling.
32:09Sniffing, it means you liked it.
32:10Yeah, yeah, yeah.
32:11Oh my God.
32:12Yuck.
32:13The scientists gave mice Alzheimer's symptoms and then exposed them to a gas which we call
32:32hydrogen sulfide.
32:33It's what makes your farts farts.
32:35It's what makes it funky.
32:37Researchers observed that mice exposed to the gas regain better memory function and were
32:42physically more responsive than the control group.
32:45Can I just beg you to cut this from this episode?
32:49No.
32:50You're ruining my life, Roy.
32:55That's been Missing Words.
33:02It's time for Meet in the Middle where we find common ground between two different people
33:13who would never, ever be caught hanging out.
33:16Right on one side, we got Melania Trump, Jean Smart, Conor Story, and Kim Kardashian.
33:22And on the other side, Kamala Harris, Vladimir Putin, Mitt Romney, and Charlie Sheen.
33:28Ah.
33:29Can I just ask a clarifying question?
33:31Mm-hmm.
33:32This guy, is he from that heated rivalry?
33:33Yes.
33:34Is that who that guy is?
33:35Conor Story, yes.
33:36He's from that gay porn show on Netflix.
33:38It's a hockey show.
33:40Is it though?
33:41Yes.
33:43There's a lot of fucking.
33:47First up, we've got smokes bottles.
33:50Which two of these people have both advertised cigarettes?
33:55Melania, was she in a cigarette commercial before she got here?
33:59That's a possibility.
34:00It's not Putin.
34:01He don't need the money.
34:02It's not the hockey guy.
34:05He's just a hockey guy.
34:07Yeah.
34:08I think it's Jean Smart and Charlie Sheen.
34:10Okay.
34:11I also like your idea that Melania may have done cigarette commercials in Azerbaijan.
34:16Slovenian Salem.
34:17Right.
34:18If you will.
34:19Right.
34:20Let's go with Melania.
34:21Okay.
34:22For the black Russian.
34:23The only thing is...
34:24We're gonna go with Melania and Putin.
34:29Charlie Sheen and Melania Trump have been in ads for cigarettes.
34:36Melania appeared in a 1997 print ad for Camel cigarettes.
34:40Wow.
34:41And Charlie Sheen appeared in a Japanese ad for Parliament cigarettes in the early 90s.
34:47Please watch.
34:48Yes.
34:49Why everything's the same as it was.
34:56That's so glamorous.
34:57So glamorous.
34:59Next up, we've got Hexy Grandmas.
35:02Which two of these people descended from accused witches at the Salem witch trials?
35:07Oh.
35:08Oh.
35:09My eye went right to Mitt Romney.
35:11Yeah.
35:12That seems right, doesn't it?
35:13It sure does.
35:14He's got some witch in him.
35:15And then I want to go with Jean Smart.
35:16Let's go with Jean Smart.
35:17I would do Jean Smart.
35:18I think Mitt Romney is right.
35:19Yeah.
35:20And I think it is, uh, Connor.
35:21Connor's story.
35:22Yeah, Connor Cutie.
35:23Mitt Romney and Jean Smart.
35:25Wow!
35:26They won again.
35:27Both descended from accused witches.
35:31Mitt Romney is a descendant of accused witch Rebecca Nurse.
35:35Oh, she was the worst of them.
35:38Would anybody like to guess the name of the accused witch?
35:41That Jean Smart descended from?
35:44Oh, imagine if it was Hannah Einbinder.
35:48That'd be cool.
35:49The accused witch that Jean Smart is descended from was named Dork as Whore.
36:02That's the Latin name for a slutty nerd.
36:05Here's Jean learning about great-grandma Whore.
36:10What we have here is a document that explains items that are suspected to be stolen by Dorcas Whore, your eighth great-grandmother.
36:19Yes.
36:20Whoa.
36:21A well-grown pig.
36:22Does that mean just a big pig?
36:24Yeah.
36:25Cat burglars.
36:26Cat burglars.
36:27I come from cat burglars.
36:30That sounds like a Hogwarts stripper.
36:32Yeah, yeah.
36:34I'm coming to the stage.
36:35Dork as whore.
36:36Dork as whore.
36:37Dork as whore.
36:39All right.
36:40Let's do flaw in order.
36:41Which two of these people have both failed the bar exam?
36:45Oh.
36:46Well, we know Kim did.
36:47Kim Kardashian.
36:48Famously.
36:49Famously.
36:50And it has to be Kamala Harris.
36:52Putin has never failed at anything in his life.
36:55No, no.
36:56In Russia, bar fail you.
37:00Kim Kardashian and Kamala Harris have both failed the bar exam.
37:04You can read all about it in Kamala's book.
37:06Don't you pin this shit on me.
37:07It wasn't my fault.
37:08And, uh, because she is a Kardashian, there is footage of the exact moment Kim found out
37:18she failed.
37:24I didn't make it.
37:25How do you know?
37:26How do you know?
37:27It says fail.
37:30She's the sharpest knife in that drawer.
37:33We didn't get to Conor Story and Vladimir Putin, but they both do a Russian accent, and
37:37they both have too many pictures without their shirts on.
37:40Go after the break.
37:53Welcome back.
37:54It's time for Which Is Higher?
37:55Teams, I'll give you two unrelated numbers from the news.
37:58You tell me which is higher.
38:00All right.
38:01The number of women who have served on the Supreme Court since its creation in 1789
38:06or the number of men who have hosted Family Feud.
38:10Oh, wow.
38:11That's great.
38:12Okay, so let's get down to business.
38:14All right.
38:15Steve Harvey.
38:16Richard Dawson.
38:17Richard Dawson.
38:18The guy with the gap tooth.
38:19Louie Anderson.
38:20Louie Anderson.
38:21Ray Combs.
38:22Ray Combs.
38:23Ray Combs.
38:24Yeah, Ray Combs.
38:25Oh, and Richard.
38:26And Richard Karn did too.
38:27Oh, Richard Karn.
38:29Al from Home Improvement.
38:31It might be a tie because I think there's five women, right?
38:34Sandra Day O'Connor.
38:35Kagan.
38:36What's your face?
38:37Brown.
38:38And Steve Harvey.
38:39Sotomayor.
38:40And Steve Harvey.
38:42I think it's a tie.
38:43And Comey Barrett.
38:44The number of female Supreme Court justices is six.
38:47Oh.
38:48Six.
38:49Sandra Day O'Connor.
38:50Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
38:51Ginsburg.
38:52Sonia Sotomayor.
38:53Ginsburg!
38:54Kim Kagan.
38:55Amy Coney Barrett.
38:56And Ketanji Brown Jackson.
38:57The number of Family Feud hosts is seven.
39:02Oh!
39:03Richard Dawson.
39:05Ray Combs.
39:06Yep.
39:07Louie Anderson.
39:08Richard Karn.
39:09What the fuck is that?
39:10John O'Hurley.
39:11John O'Hurley.
39:12Steve Harvey.
39:13And Al Roker.
39:14Al Roker?
39:15When?
39:16When did that happen?
39:17Al Roker did about two years of celebrity Family Feud.
39:20No way.
39:21That doesn't count.
39:22It's the Feud.
39:23It counts.
39:24That doesn't count.
39:25This is CNN.
39:26We're about facts.
39:27All right.
39:28Did you ever do Celebrity Family Feud?
39:30You did Jeopardy?
39:31Yes.
39:32We did Celebrity Family Feud, and we lost, and my wife didn't speak to me for a week.
39:37Question to the panel.
39:40Who's your all-time favorite Family Feud host?
39:42It is Steve Harvey.
39:44Steve Harvey crushes them all.
39:47I like Steve Harvey because he, like, makes you feel good even with a dumb guest.
39:51Yes.
39:52It's okay, player.
39:53Nobody else guessed it, but you believed in yourself.
39:56Y'all didn't win no money at all, but it's okay, big dog.
40:01I don't know.
40:02We can always argue who the best host was of Family Feud, but I think we all know who
40:07the favorite contestant was of Family Feud.
40:11Everybody, let's go meet the Ruffin family.
40:14Let's go.
40:16Thank you so much for asking me, Steve Harvey.
40:18I've never made love in a blank.
40:20Bed.
40:21Bed?
40:22That's right, bed.
40:24I'm sorry.
40:26Look at his face.
40:29He was not having my shit at all.
40:34That was Witches Hire.
40:36It's time for a new game we call, Who's That Baby?
40:49I'll show you a famous person's baby picture and you tell me who that baby is.
40:54Here are your clues.
40:56They're part of a shipping and railroad dynasty.
40:59They had cameos in the movie Chappie and Batman V Superman.
41:03What?
41:04And they're not a big drinker except famously once a year.
41:09Oh, oh, Anderson Cooper.
41:10Anderson Cooper.
41:11Anderson Cooper.
41:12Oh!
41:13That baby is Anderson Cooper.
41:15Yay!
41:16That was Who's That Baby?
41:18I want to thank our guests, Andy Richter, Janice Lynn, and of course, thank you to our team
41:24captains, Amber Ruffin and Michael Ian Black.
41:27Before we sign off, here are a few more stories we're watching.
41:35Jamiroquay announces new tour.
41:38Congratulations to the makeup team from Frankenstein for their well-deserved Oscar nomination.
41:51I'm Roy McGillian.
41:52I'll see you next week on another episode of How I Got News For You.
41:55And it's been 38 days since I last shaved my beard.
41:58Goodnight.
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