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01:02Oh, wow.
01:05It's an own goal for Alan Carter.
01:08Oh, I knew it was that bloody sausage.
01:11It was so good, though.
01:15Oh, God.
01:17I knew the sausage machine would be my downfall.
01:20Then my eye looked over to Pat Noodle, and then I was just gone.
01:24OK, so that's seven of you on yellow cards.
01:28So, Sam, you don't have a yellow card.
01:29David, you don't have a yellow card.
01:31Unbelievably, Mel, you don't have a yellow card.
01:34Teetering.
01:36OK, I'm going back in.
01:37I'm restarting the game.
01:38OK.
01:39Doors.
01:41I mean, this is a very, very strong team.
01:46So, it's yellow cards for Alan and Romesh, and all it took was a sausage machine firing out raw meat
01:52at a lady called Pat Noodle.
01:53Simple, really.
01:55OK, let's restart the game.
02:01Well done.
02:02Well done, Alan.
02:03OK.
02:04I loved that game, and the shoe business was excellent.
02:08Thank you, thank you.
02:09We've all bitten down on a shoe when trying to curl one out.
02:13Yep.
02:29Anyone care for a freshened-up buffet?
02:31Thanks, this is an amazing spread.
02:33I even have just had a whole one out, a bit more.
02:36What is the calorific intake on this show?
02:38They've not stopped eating.
02:40It must be nice for them.
02:42There are allowed snacks in there, aren't they?
02:45I don't want any, anyway.
02:46I'm glad when you said to me there's no snacks, I said, I don't even want any.
02:49What are your favourite mates, Alan?
02:53Tongue.
02:54Tongue.
02:55Tongue.
02:55Who's tongue?
02:56Anyone's tongue.
02:57Tongue of cow.
02:59Human tongue.
03:00Human tongue.
03:00Is your favourite mate?
03:02You've got temptation in your mouth at all times.
03:05Bob.
03:05Oh, this is...
03:06The human tongue's got them.
03:08And we've got quite a big tongue, if you don't mind me saying.
03:10Yeah, yeah, it's quite girthy.
03:11I've got a long tongue.
03:12I've got a well-hung tongue.
03:14A well-hung tongue.
03:17Who's got the longest tongue here?
03:19Sam's got a long tongue.
03:21Sam, bless you.
03:21Can we see it?
03:26What the hell?
03:28What?
03:28What?
03:29Do that again, Sam.
03:31What just happened?
03:32What was going on there?
03:33Do that again, Sam, please, slower.
03:35Is that actually your tongue?
03:38Why are you cuffing at half the tongue?
03:40Well, I'm worried.
03:41Is it a trick?
03:42It can't be his tongue, though.
03:42It's a magic trick.
03:43That can't be his tongue.
03:44You can't have a tongue.
03:45Who has a spare tongue?
03:48If there's tongue talk, the tongue comes out.
03:53Drinks orders.
03:54Drinks orders.
03:55I'd have a glass of rosé or a...
03:57I'll have a rosé.
03:58Rosé?
03:58Anyone else for rosé?
03:59Yeah, I think I will.
04:01Three rosés.
04:01Rosé team?
04:03Can I get some scallops?
04:07If you're doing scallops, I'll have some of yours.
04:09Two scallops, yeah.
04:11Thanks, Mel.
04:12Rummers, did you want a something or other?
04:13Rummers?
04:14You wanted a glass of rosé?
04:15Yeah, I'll have a glass of rosé.
04:16So we get a bottle of rosé.
04:17I don't know how to do this, but I'll see what I can do.
04:22Mel.
04:23Oh, hello.
04:24I just wondered if we might be able to possibly have a bottle of rosé.
04:28Yeah, no problem at all.
04:30That's really kind, and a few glasses.
04:33She'll be all right.
04:34You're really kind.
04:35Thank you so much.
04:36No, I'm not, but yeah.
04:37Bye.
04:38Bye.
04:40So you can phone out.
04:42You can phone out.
04:44Thank you, and just this.
04:46My angelic page.
04:47Yeah.
04:47I could jump.
04:48Oh.
04:50Er, Mel.
04:52Mel.
04:52Mel.
04:53Mel.
04:54Mel.
04:56Absolutely shabba rank.
04:59Yes.
05:01Oh, what's happened here?
05:05What the hell?
05:08We have had a laugh, and no-one else was involved.
05:12They've done this to themselves.
05:14Doors.
05:15Nothing happened here.
05:17Oh, here we go.
05:17What?
05:19What?
05:19Can't be.
05:21We have had a laugh.
05:23What?
05:24And this was, I mean, you talk about own goals.
05:27This is just someone taking themselves out for no good reason.
05:31Let's have a look.
05:38Mel.
05:39Mel.
05:41Mel.
05:41Mel.
05:43Mel.
05:44Mel.
05:44Mel.
05:45Mel.
05:46Mel.
05:46Mel.
05:47Mel.
05:48Mel.
05:48Mel.
05:49You've burped yourself out.
05:52The viewers at home will watch that and go,
05:54that audio, they've done something to that audio.
05:56That's genuinely the noise your body made.
05:59I'm really sorry.
06:01It's all the flumps and everything and the crisps.
06:04Don't blame the flumps.
06:05It's a yellow card.
06:07How basic is it to laugh at your own burp, rookie error?
06:14Some of you are going to be joining myself and Roisin very, very soon.
06:17I'll restart the game.
06:19So Mel's incredible burp brought her down.
06:21A yellow card for her and a suggestion.
06:24Maybe a bottle of gavis gone.
06:29While you were away, someone came in and opened a bag of popcorn
06:32and then ate someone. I told them we weren't allowed it.
06:34So they've gone now.
06:37You've got to have more control over these people.
06:39We've ate on yellow cards.
06:43Let's restart the game.
06:46Oh, here we go. Here we go.
06:52One more strike.
06:53One more strike.
06:56Has anyone got a weird crush?
06:58Weird crush?
06:59Gordon Ramsay.
07:01When he starts shouting, I really like it.
07:03Yeah.
07:04I used to fancy the Jack of Clubs.
07:06You know, in the pack of cards.
07:11Good looking.
07:12Mmm, he was good looking.
07:14If we're going there, Mufasa.
07:18Really?
07:18Mufasa is Saxa.
07:20Yeah.
07:20Officer Dibble.
07:22Hello.
07:23Dibble was hot.
07:24Officer Dibble?
07:25Officer Dibble from Top Cat.
07:26Oh, man.
07:27How can you fancy the po-po?
07:31I've never heard or thought of Officer Dibble as the po-po.
07:37No, but technically, correct.
07:39Yeah.
07:40It's a cro...
07:42Oh.
07:43Hello.
07:43Something is...
07:44Oh, yes.
07:44Something's going to happen.
07:47Judy Finnegan, guys.
07:48It's Judy Finnegan.
07:49Oh, imagine!
07:50That would be amazing.
07:53Hello, everyone.
07:54Now, David and Sam, you don't have yellow cards, so you're going to go head-to-head in a special
08:00challenge.
08:00I know comedians hate showing off, so this is going to be really tough for you.
08:04You have to take in turns to say something impressive about yourself, so this is a chance
08:09to boast about your greatest achievements.
08:12Please, take your places at the table.
08:14The game starts and ends when the bell rings.
08:17Go, guys.
08:18Go, guys!
08:21OK.
08:23OK.
08:25Um...
08:26Put it there.
08:28Um...
08:29Say something impressive about me.
08:31I, um, have a good tenacity and I think I'm strong-willed.
08:35I have occasional attention to detail.
08:38Well, I have a girlfriend.
08:40I have a wife.
08:43My first kiss was actually on a castle in Guildford.
08:49I look forward to my first kiss.
08:54Ew.
08:55Um, I have a lot of mates, a lot of great mates.
08:59I was a finalist in the Rotary Club public speaking competition in 1991 or 1992.
09:05I mean, this is at school, but I did very well in the cross country.
09:09I appreciate cheese and am able to show it.
09:13Oh, dear.
09:17Um, I am good at swimming and I would actually even trouble the parsley.
09:23I won't tolerate stale biscuits.
09:29I won't tolerate bigotry.
09:32I will tolerate bigotry in order to influence people.
09:38Oh, I've got a printer.
09:40I've got, um, a laptop that can connect to my wife's printer.
09:45Oh, my wife's printer.
09:47The David Mitchell story.
09:49Ha!
09:51Ha!
09:53I, uh, have a very loud voice when I need to.
09:57Do you shout?
09:58I can shout very loudly.
10:00I challenge you to a small mini-challenge within this challenge, which is a shout.
10:04A shout-off.
10:05You'd like me to shout?
10:06To see who can shout the loudest.
10:06We both get to shout one thing at each other.
10:07OK, right.
10:09The challenge has got a spin-off.
10:11Who, who can shout for longest?
10:14You start there and we slowly step toward each other shouting.
10:17OK, ready? One, two, three.
10:18Ah!
10:21Ah!
10:29Ah!
10:32Ah!
10:33Ah!
10:37Ah!
10:37One.
10:40Two.
10:41Oh, I've!
10:41Very strong!
10:43What is this house?
10:45Ah!
10:46Who, Diane Morgan?
10:49It felt like you needed that David. I think it helped a bit although. I think my voice may be
10:54different forever
10:57That was one of my favorite part so far. Thank you. I enjoyed looking into your screaming face. I
11:03Can't believe we didn't get anyone on that. Yeah, I mean there's a reason those two don't have yellows
11:08Lovely guys really good. Oh, very good. I think the world will be surprised that it was David who had
11:13the loudest scream
11:15You wouldn't put much money on that is an animal do we didn't know
11:24When I went to
11:26Mexico I got Montezuma's revenge that I had I ODs on Imodium and basically had to have a c-section
11:34to do a shit
11:37That's
11:39That's full-on. Yeah, that's bad. That's really bad. Yeah
11:43Did you have a book in a day and stuff? Yeah, yeah, and that gender reveal
11:51See yeah
11:55Did they show it to you did you keep it
12:01Are you proud?
12:04Was it like people say don't they about birth they say it's like the most
12:08Oh, hello. It's emotional because that's actually my child
12:12Oh, Alan. Alan. Alan
12:15Oh, it's a good. It's good
12:18Just diary
12:21He's got problems. He's weakening. No, no, you just it's just emotional for me if that's my child you're talking
12:27about
12:27Yeah, your poo child
12:34You um you do a fair bit of acting don't you hmm you did quite a lot of that hmm
12:39Um
12:41I've got an audition. Oh, yeah next week, but I find them really scary. Do you? Yeah, I'm nervig. I've
12:47got the luck
12:48Do you want to run would you run through it with me? Yeah, absolutely
12:56You're Jack if that's okay interior quiet rural cafe
13:00Jack a handsome British man in mid-20s is working behind the counter
13:04Enter Hannah an American businesswoman in her early 30s. Hi, what can I get you?
13:09Oh, I'm still deciding hold on a second. That's really good. Is that good? Yeah
13:14Uh, her phone rings and she takes it out her bag. She takes a deep breath and answers calmly
13:19Look Steve now ain't a good time. You know how important this case is to me and I can't think
13:26about us right now
13:28She pauses to hear Steve's reply. She nods understandingly
13:34You might want to work on that nod a bit. The nod? Yeah
13:39She puts her phone away and glances back at Jack who has already prepared her coffee
13:44Got you an Americana because I think I detected an accent. Hannah rolls her eyes and laughs to herself
13:54Not a laugh. I think that's risky business
13:57I think you've got it in the bag. You reckon? Nothing to worry about
14:01The only thing I'd say that nod was a bit big. What would you go for?
14:07Yeah, that's it. Your accent's amazing. Cheers Di
14:16I'm out with
14:18I'm out with
14:18I'm out. Here we go
14:23Hello, last one laughing
14:24Uh, Romesh, could you go and play your joker please? Sure thing. Bye bye
14:28Is the booze arrived? No
14:32What?
14:33What what did they say? Can't just keep it to yourself?
14:37This is the most deadpan group of people
14:39I can't believe they're all still in there. They're not breaking. Okay, we're gonna have to get strict now
14:48Oh
14:48Oh straight in there. Okey dokey
14:50Hello, um, just to start off I'm gonna give you these but could you not open them? Yeah, please
14:56Thank you
14:59Thank you
15:02Let's go, Romesh
15:04Oh, exciting
15:06So, please don't look at the envelopes until I say
15:09A lot of my comedy comes from taking ownership of some of the hardest things I've had to deal with
15:13Whether it's my bonky eye
15:16How much I depend on my mum for a career or even how long I remained a virgin
15:23I had to face a lot of criticism that I rely too much on jokes about my eye
15:28Online one person actually said if he had two straight eyes he'd be driving a taxi
15:34But what people don't know is actually that a little part of me dies every time I mention my weaknesses
15:39in a room of people
15:40It gets laughs sure, but it still hurts
15:43So given you guys can't laugh. I thought I would detail some of the things that I found the hardest
15:48Here are some examples of the things I've got called
15:50gauzy-eyed
15:52croc-eyed
15:53Gammy-eyed
15:54Shitty-eyed
15:55Eyed-eyed
15:57And this is probably the worst one
16:02Cookie monster
16:19Things then quietened down and I learned to make those jokes first, but I wasn't ready for what happened in
16:252007
16:26Tony Blair stood down and this man became prime minister
16:34Can anybody guess what my nickname was in the late noughties?
16:38Gordon
16:39It was Gordon very very brown
16:48I hope that the status of becoming a teacher would change things some kids called me mr. Rajabagabingbong
16:56Which I thought was racist
16:58But the head said all the vowels made it sound plausibly Sri Lankan
17:04Fucking hell
17:05A career in the public eye came next and
17:08Via the horror of social media
17:11I found myself in the eye of the storm as tv appearances held another volley of horrible comments
17:17cameraman's nightmare
17:18He needs his mum there for directions
17:21His eyes are on more channels than he is
17:25Not only that but people made unflattering racial comparisons to other comedians
17:30Jack Deepak
17:33Ricky Gervaisian
17:35Or the worst
17:36David Budbadil
17:40My therapist says the final stage of my healing is to allow you to say those things
17:45So when I point at you what I'd like you to do is open your envelope
17:48Take it in and then I would like you to say the insult to my face
17:51Um
17:53Start with you please
18:02Even he can't see things from his own perspective
18:10Thank you
18:16He'd need the death star to give him laser eye surgery
18:24Oh
18:27Thank you
18:30He's got the worst eye since isis
18:43He got jizz in that eye from whoever he had to suck off to get on tv
18:49Maizey straight in not even a bit of a mercy
18:53Nothing to maizey
19:07His wife's eyes must be more fucked than his
19:15He's got the worst eye of his eyes
19:16And finally
19:17His eye looks
19:39His eye looks like a grape in a tumble dryer
19:52Thank you so much for taking the time to sort of share that and I certainly found it useful and
19:56I hope you did too
19:57Thank you very much guys. I appreciate it
20:06Oh
20:07That was brave
20:08I felt bad for Romesh and I've had that myself you know people have said horrible things about me
20:13You know that my smiles like a bombed out village and stuff like that
20:17And someone said if I grew a moustache you'd look like Stonehenge had a thatched roof
20:22What was yours again Alan?
20:24Can't remember now
20:29Let's have it again
20:30Yeah, it's my favourite
20:32Once more with feeling
20:35You can really picture the grape can't you
20:38Bobbling around
20:39It makes me feel
20:41No, but no, but that will help
20:43That will help
20:44Heal from it
20:50His eyes
20:53Looks like
20:54Looks like
21:00That's a laugh it's a weird noise, but it was a laugh
21:02Yep
21:04Whoa
21:06What?
21:07Uh-oh
21:08What?
21:09Doors
21:12Oh God
21:14I think it might be me guys
21:16We have had a laugh
21:21Please
21:23His eyes
21:27Looks like
21:33Oh
21:34Bemi
21:38You're the first one out
21:39Bemi
21:41Nooo
21:43Oh
21:44Yeah
21:44Yeah you are
21:45Bemi you have to come and watch with me
21:47but you don't have to go on your own.
21:51Have a look. We've had another laugh.
21:56Let's have it again.
21:59You can really picture the grape, can't you?
22:05We're being incredibly strict now.
22:08And you lot pushed me to do that again.
22:11Had to happen, Alan.
22:12OK, that's one for you, Bemi. One for you, Alan.
22:14You'll come with me. Come on.
22:15Dawson, guys.
22:19I didn't get the first red card.
22:22It was a joint first red card.
22:24And technically, Alan Carr, alphabetically, is higher up.
22:28So, first, but, like, second to Alan.
22:32Bemi gets the first red card.
22:34She's out first. First red to Bemi.
22:37Oh, and Alan's out as well, but Bemi first.
22:42Please come in, take a seat.
22:43You are free to laugh.
22:45Oh!
22:46How did you find it in there?
22:47I couldn't control my face.
22:49There's so many funny people in there.
22:50Your facial expressions.
22:51It was only a matter of time.
22:52You know what my face is.
22:53I knew I'd be the first or second out or whatever.
22:56I thought I'd last longer.
22:58I mean, I lasted long, actually.
23:00It's just everyone else is so good.
23:03Right, team.
23:04Things are going to get really fricking tense.
23:08They haven't restarted, have they?
23:10Nope.
23:11Yeah, get it out.
23:17OK, should we restart?
23:18Yes.
23:19OK, let's go.
23:20I thought...
23:21I thought...
23:22Oh, jeez.
23:22Oh, this is...
23:23This is thick and fast.
23:25I'm not ready for this.
23:27I might just get on the phone for some more booze.
23:30Lager, please.
23:35Have you been to a hem party, David?
23:38Only professionally, obviously.
23:40Professionally?
23:40Have you...
23:41What?
23:41You've been booked for a...
23:42You've been booked for a hem party.
23:43You've been booked for a hen do.
23:44Yeah.
23:45When I was younger and more...
23:47As a stripper?
23:49No, as a sort of, you know, a waiter just in a thong.
23:52No.
23:53I can believe that you would be a stripper.
23:56I can't believe that you would wait on someone.
23:58It's difficult to take that as a compliment.
24:02So nice to laugh.
24:04So nice!
24:06OK, it's time to bring a bit of class to proceedings, isn't it?
24:09All right.
24:10Where is mine?
24:12Oh, hello.
24:13Oh, hello.
24:13May the talk to me mother...
24:16Oh, hello.
24:19Oh, hello.
24:26HE SINGS
24:28HE SINGS
24:28HE SINGS
24:29HE SINGS
24:36Wow!
24:39This should be fun.
24:41Jaws.
24:43I see you've all met my chiropodist.
24:46Please, take a seat up here.
24:47We have a singing challenge now.
24:50Now I would be out.
24:51Yeah, we'd be out now. I don't feel so bad now.
24:53OK, it's actually fairly easy.
24:54All you've got to do is sing this.
25:03You bastard.
25:04OK, just sing that when I point to you.
25:06Amy.
25:20David.
25:24Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
25:32Ah, don't you dare.
25:38Uh...
25:38Come on.
25:39.
25:42Romash.
25:42Ramesh.
25:55Mel's got to go. Surely.
25:58Mel.
26:11So.
26:18Bob.
26:20Mel's got to go.
26:22Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.
26:27Maisy's gone. Come on.
26:29Maisy. Maisy.
26:29Come on.
26:30She's crying.
26:31Maisy?
26:34Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.
26:43It's a very, very... That was very strong.
26:45It's a very moving piece of music.
26:47Roisin, could you hit the red button for me?
26:49Yes, Jimmy.
26:50Oh, my God, Maisy.
26:56Yeah, who was it?
26:58Who was it?
27:01I think you know who it was.
27:03OK, let's have a look at the replay.
27:06Bob.
27:14Maisie.
27:16Maisie.
27:18Oh, my God.
27:19Oh, me.
27:21Thanks.
27:22Maisie.
27:22I'm sorry.
27:23I think you were laughing a bit there.
27:25Yeah, just a little bit.
27:29So, Maisie, it's a red card for you.
27:31Sorry, Maisie.
27:33We've also had a smile.
27:38Take a look.
27:49Oh...
27:49We are being strict at this stage of the game, so I've got to give you a red card.
27:53OK.
27:54I don't want to be, like...
27:55It's a smile.
27:55I don't want to be a tease, but it is a smile.
27:57Well, it's a smile or a laugh. That's the game.
27:59Yeah.
28:00I mean, I came across such a narc, then.
28:03Mal, sometimes it's nice to hold a glass rather than suck it to your face.
28:07I sucked it so hard I couldn't actually get it off, then.
28:10It's for worry.
28:12She sucked it so hard she couldn't get it off.
28:17I can't get it off.
28:20I'm out his hand, you get a head in show business.
28:23I was annoyed with myself for letting that slip.
28:27I thought I'd got away with it.
28:28Then just when you think you're safe, the spectre of Jimmy Carr returns and it's all over.
28:36So that's red cards for Amy and Maisie.
28:38Four down, six to go.
28:40Who will be the next to crack?
28:43Here we are. Look at it.
28:45That was a tough one.
28:46I went so red, I thought I was going to pass out.
28:49You're not meant to repress it.
28:50No.
28:50It's unnatural.
28:51I knew I was out when I started to see stars.
28:53All right, let's restart the game.
28:55Yeah.
28:56What happens?
29:04Can you give me three favourite things and I'll judge them?
29:07Three favourite what?
29:08Do you like cheese?
29:10Well, here's the thing.
29:11I don't really eat cheese, but I can do it off memory, if you like.
29:15There was a time when you adore cheeses?
29:17Yeah.
29:17Your third cheese.
29:21Smoked cheddar.
29:25Sorry.
29:26At number two.
29:28Wensleydale.
29:33Sorry, Rom.
29:34And at number one for you?
29:36Danish blue.
29:41You love that one?
29:43Yeah.
29:44What a great cheese.
29:45It is a great cheese.
29:49Sorry to interrupt, chaps.
29:50Something from the buffet.
29:52Sorry to interrupt with a slightly loud voice.
29:54I'll not take anything, thank you.
29:56Something from the buffet.
29:57It looks delicious.
29:57Cracker and a guac.
29:59Crack-a-mole, as we're calling it.
30:00Yeah, that'd be great.
30:00Combo over two.
30:01Or a nice little tomato.
30:03I'm fine, thank you.
30:03With a mozzarella looking underneath.
30:05Do you like your mozzarella, Bob?
30:09Or a cucumber, Bob?
30:11No, I'm going to see if there's a drink.
30:12Just dipping into the guac-a-mole.
30:14Dippy, dippy, dips in the guac-a.
30:17Look, Bob's so close.
30:20A lot of people didn't look to be on the offensive.
30:23Mel, for example, as soon as she saw somebody had a problem, she was in.
30:27Because she could smell a weakness.
30:30I miss the guys.
30:32I love those gals and Al.
30:34Everyone I really liked in this has now gone out.
30:39PHONE RINGS
30:43Hello, last one laughing.
30:44Oh, hi, Romesh.
30:45Could you get Bob to go and prepare his joker?
30:47No problem.
30:50Bob, could you prepare your joker, please?
30:52Oh, hello, sailor.
30:54Right, now, it's belt and braces time.
30:57I fear it.
30:57This could be a problem for people.
31:00Oh, Christ, this could be the end for some of us.
31:03Let's clench up, because this is going to be a very, very rough and difficult ride.
31:08Oh, my God.
31:11Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome on stage...
31:15Shit.
31:19We are intimacy coordinators, yeah.
31:22You're a stout, lad.
31:25You're about to see a show.
31:27Hairier.
31:29Oh, wow.
31:31The stakes are high.
31:32A little bit sexier, a little bit futuristic.
31:35Is the card red or yellow?
31:36Oh, my God.
31:38This is so tense.
31:41Nice and simple.
31:42Would you consider yourself a pervert?
31:44Well, let's go.
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