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00:09No, Wayne, you cannot have it yet.
00:11Something came up.
00:14Can we move this along here, please?
00:16You're not wrapping a Christmas present.
00:17I've got a party to go to.
00:19Lady, your leg is broken.
00:21You're not going to do anything except go home and rest.
00:24Less yapping, more wrapping.
00:26Lois, I am so much less high now.
00:29Sir, please, their earlobes are gushy.
00:31Gushy, gushy.
00:32Stop it.
00:34I want my little hammer back.
00:38Bing.
00:39Okay, we'll print your post-treatment orders and get you some painkillers.
00:43Yeah, I don't need them.
00:44What are you doing?
00:45Sit down.
00:46Your past is still setting.
00:47You don't even have crutches yet.
00:49You're going to injure yourself even worse.
00:51Then I'll come back after the party tonight and you can fix that.
00:54Come on, Hal.
00:56Hal?
00:58Squishy.
00:59Oh, squishy.
01:03Life is unfair.
01:09Okay, come on, let's go.
01:11Mom and Dad are already there waiting.
01:13Kelly, breathe.
01:14It doesn't start till 8.
01:15You want to look sharp or not?
01:17Just, I wish I knew what revenge Reese had planned for me.
01:19Don't worry about Reese.
01:21Because there's nothing you can do about it.
01:23It's like a tornado, except there's no alert.
01:25It's just something you've got to accept.
01:28What the hell?
01:28My underwear's already too tight.
01:30Francis, get me a pair of your mom's granny panties.
01:34Right away, honey.
01:38Wayne, you need to adjust these speakers.
01:40I'm not talking about the volume.
01:41I'm talking about the mix.
01:42That speaker is too quiet and these three are too loud.
01:45And did you remember the backup tables I asked for?
01:47I know you don't mean it, but I'm getting a vibe of impatience bordering on menace.
01:51And it's pushing my agitation levels past the point of productive conversation.
01:54So, we'll continue this after I've run cold water over my hands.
01:57Honey?
01:58Now, please, I don't need any help.
02:00Just back off and let me do everything.
02:02Honey, I'm so sorry.
02:04I should have realized that my natural enthusiasm was just adding to your stress.
02:10You've got this.
02:11Everything is already perfect.
02:13Are you still high?
02:14No.
02:15I'm just more perceptive because of the ego death that I experienced from my expanded consciousness.
02:22This is so yummy.
02:25Let me know if you want a break.
02:27I juggle the sound pizzas every Wednesday at Shadyside Assisted Living.
02:31Yodeling, barbershop, yodeling, barbershop.
02:34People go nuts.
02:40Wow, surprisingly nervous.
02:42What's surprising about it?
02:43Yeah, you go see these people for years and now you have to face them and explain why.
02:47Hey, hey, here's how I see it.
02:49We both want to avoid mom and dad as long as we can.
02:51So, we hide into the spotlight dance and come out when I'm the happiest.
02:54Before then, it's every man for himself.
02:58Nice.
02:59Give me your business card later.
03:02Malcolm?
03:04Malcolm!
03:05Oh, Malcolm.
03:06Were those your friends?
03:07I wouldn't call them my friends.
03:09Malcolm!
03:10It's us!
03:11Your friends!
03:14Hey, guys.
03:15You know how we've missed our fourth musketeer?
03:21Lloyd, Dabney, Kevin, this is Tristan and my daughter Leah.
03:24You procreated!
03:26What a relief.
03:27The three of us have also created a child.
03:30Like, with a surrogate?
03:33Sure.
03:35That's our Hubert.
03:39There's an aunt!
03:41Don't worry, I have confused him.
03:43So, what have you guys been up to?
03:45Genetitech resources.
03:47Incorporated in college and started getting contracts before we even graduated.
03:51Department of Defense.
03:53We're doing so much weird shit.
03:58There's your mom.
04:06Stevie!
04:07Oh, my goodness.
04:08It is so great to see all of you.
04:10Oh!
04:11Hi, there.
04:13This is Tristan and Leah.
04:15Hi.
04:16How are you?
04:17I was wonderful.
04:18Up until the moment I caught my ex-husband wallowing in his usual vortex of resentment,
04:23based on nothing other than his own self-loathing.
04:26But thanks for asking.
04:28Tell your mother, I do resent her showing up here,
04:32wearing the necklace I gave her 29 years ago to be my forever love.
04:37It is a slap in the face across space and time.
04:40Tell her!
04:50Dad says he does resent rat cowards.
05:05You.
05:06All I'm saying is Dewey is stupid to be here on a laptop.
05:10Eat my balls, Jamie.
05:11I'm being considerate.
05:13Excuse me.
05:14Hey.
05:15I'm sorry.
05:16We'll have to get back to you.
05:17We're all just so busy.
05:19Yeah, we're completely swamped.
05:20I'm sorry.
05:21I don't have any excuses.
05:23I just want to clear the air and make it right.
05:27Please.
05:29Well, it's not like this is the first horrible thing you've ever done.
05:34Hey, Leah, do you want to hear all the horrible things he's ever done?
05:37Yes.
05:38Kids, I need some help.
05:40They put the Javari chairs and high tables and turned below tables,
05:42and it's blocking the eyeline to the stage.
05:44Hi, Grandma.
05:46That was somebody who actually likes to hug.
05:48I said I would try it for your birthday.
05:51Malcolm, I'm so happy.
05:53He must have dropped and crawled.
05:55What the heck is wrong with him?
05:57He showed up.
05:58Give him a break.
05:59No.
05:59Jamie's not ashamed of his family.
06:01You know how hard it was for him to get permission to leave the base and come here?
06:04Oh, they don't know that I'm gone.
06:06I'm on guard duty right now.
06:10In the face.
06:13Across space.
06:19And time.
06:22Okay, who wants another one?
06:24Well, you can tell your father to find a dictionary and look up at the meaning of the word gift.
06:28Unless it's like every other thing in our relationship that came with secret conditions
06:32that he would only reveal when he needs to attack me when I'm at my most vulnerable.
06:44She loves you.
06:49Can I have friends to stand hard?
06:54That's what military school did to us, baby.
06:57You'll never shake it.
06:58Hey, boys.
06:59Wow, you started early.
07:01I think 10 is a respectable age.
07:03We were just raising a toast to our dear old Commandant Spangler.
07:08Run to hell!
07:09You want our bastards!
07:12Uh, you want to tell me what's in the sack?
07:14Are you my parole officer?
07:17No, seriously, are you?
07:18Okay.
07:18We decided to do one last caper for old time's sake.
07:23Nice statue head.
07:26I came.
07:28I sawed.
07:29I conquered.
07:31Bah!
07:32That's good.
07:34We're putting that on the Instagram.
07:36Wait.
07:37It was the most beautiful transcendent experience.
07:41Abe said you were rolling around naked on filthy linoleum choking yourself.
07:45Transcendently?
07:48Psst, Kelly.
07:49Before you try anything, just remember, revenge for an unjustified revenge is justified,
07:54but revenge for a justified revenge is unjustified revenge.
07:57Yeah.
07:59Relax.
07:59We're in a ceasefire until the party's over.
08:01Could you, uh, sneak me a couple dinner rolls?
08:12It's so nice to have someone I can share my deepest feelings with.
08:24Crap.
08:24Yeah, sounds like I'm seven.
08:27Quick, change the subject.
08:33Perfect setup.
08:35I look great.
08:53I made him nervous.
08:58Cute.
09:00Pretty.
09:01Hot.
09:15Ew.
09:16Ew!
09:18Ew!
09:20Wait, where the hell did you get that mac and cheese?
09:23I brought it from home.
09:26When I get back, I'm expecting a new full-side plate handed over without any looks.
09:33There you are, Piyama!
09:35Oh, my juicy chili bean.
09:40Gretchen, so great to see you.
09:43We were so sorry to hear about Otto.
09:47He didn't suffer.
09:49The puma is very quick and efficient.
09:51What are you doing now?
09:53I am a doula for cattle.
09:55I go from town to town, cow to cow, helping them give birth.
10:00It's very spiritual.
10:02Well, not the clean-up.
10:04That's nasty.
10:10Oh, my goodness.
10:13You have a calf inside you.
10:16How did you...
10:16Oh, it's my gift.
10:18Boy, old girl.
10:19We don't know yet.
10:23Do you want to?
10:25What the hell?
10:27The video of us beheading the statue got 3,000 dislikes.
10:30Who doesn't love a classic prank?
10:32Let me see.
10:35Uh, where was this statue?
10:38In front of a bar.
10:39Kind of creepy vibes we didn't go in.
10:41And did this bar have a name?
10:43That was weird, too.
10:45It was called Stagnus.
10:47What is that?
10:48Like, how much you're like a stag?
10:52Idiots, it's not Stagnus.
10:54It's St. Agnes.
10:58It's a church.
10:59Whose statue do they put in front of churches?
11:07It looks like...
11:09Burger King.
11:11Well, no wonder they're mad.
11:13People love that guy.
11:27Hubert!
11:28Come next with Dada, Dada, Dada!
11:36Maybe I'm overreacting.
11:38Maybe he was teasing.
11:46What a creep.
11:49My first crush is a creep.
11:57It's been 20 minutes.
11:59I still don't have a better idea.
12:01Welcome!
12:04Occupied.
12:05You think I wouldn't crawl under and pull you out of there?
12:15Can we do this outside the men's room?
12:17Nope.
12:17It's gone on long enough.
12:19We're gonna straighten everything out right here, right now.
12:21We're gonna go back to the party as a family.
12:23The shrimp is bad.
12:23The shrimp is bad.
12:25We're not serving shrimp.
12:27I ate something with a tail on it.
12:32Oh, sweet mother of mercy.
12:34It burns.
12:34Now let's go.
12:36You can't be serious.
12:38If you want to get out of here, you are gonna tell me why you have been doing this.
12:44Come on.
12:44Out with it.
12:47Sorry, I know you didn't mean me.
12:49How do you think one conversation in a toilet's gonna fix everything?
12:53I don't, but at least it's a start.
12:55What do you want to do?
12:56Wait for my funeral?
12:57There's nothing to say.
12:59It's just the way we are.
13:01We all just swirl around each other fighting and taking turns creating disasters.
13:04So we drive each other nuts, so what?
13:07That's what families do.
13:09It's more than that.
13:11I like myself better when I'm not around you.
13:14So you have said.
13:16And I feel bad for who I am when I am around you.
13:22What?
13:22You yelling?
13:24Spit balls to a battleship.
13:26No.
13:26I mean, I know I'm disappointing you.
13:32What?
13:34He said he knows he's disappointing you.
13:38Sorry, I'll be quiet.
13:41Now I'll be quiet.
13:44Mom, you've always had these gigantic expectations of me.
13:48Like I'm some sort of superhuman brain that can fix all the world's problems.
13:52I'm sorry, I can't.
13:53And I can't deal with that pressure.
13:55When did I ever pressure you?
13:57You said I had to become president of the United States.
14:00President?
14:01Is that what this is about?
14:04Malcolm, that was just a plan.
14:08Plans aren't contracts.
14:09They're just plans.
14:11Your father and I have made hundreds of them.
14:13And look at us.
14:14Barely ever work out, so we just make some new ones.
14:17Yeah, you can't take it that seriously.
14:23That was you lying?
14:28You've been lying to me all this time?
14:31Do you know the kind of drama you caused me for a lie?
14:34Making me suffer under your lie for 18 years?
14:39What kind of satanic monster are you?
14:45Aw, they found each other.
14:48We tried to give you very specific positive goals to help you get through college.
14:52So you wouldn't just party and drop out and end up in a homeless shelter.
14:56That was called good parenting.
14:57You don't even care about the constant stress and anxiety of trying to live up to that?
15:02Do you realize that my degrees, my charity, the awards, my beautiful, perfect daughter,
15:10finding a woman who loves me for me and makes my life complete?
15:14All of that was based on your lie!
15:16How could you do that to me?
15:21Wait.
15:23Malcolm, you've accomplished so much.
15:26And all of it is you.
15:29It's just you.
15:32You're a good father.
15:33You're a good man.
15:35Better than we ever hoped.
15:38And I wish we didn't upset you so much.
15:40And I can't say it's ever going to get better.
15:43I just miss you.
15:46I miss you, too.
15:51I'm trying so hard to hold it in.
15:53It just makes the pitch go higher.
15:55Please, let's just get out of here.
15:58Oh, by the way, I love my granddaughter.
16:02Yeah, that's pretty easy.
16:03And I approve of Tristan.
16:04Thanks.
16:05I mean, I don't actually need your approval.
16:08I know, but I approve anyway.
16:11Thanks.
16:12I really love her.
16:14I think I love her like you and Dad.
16:23We are no longer friends.
16:25We'll discuss it after dessert.
16:30Hey, Dad.
16:31Looking good.
16:32All better now?
16:34Glad we're past that.
16:34We're not past it yet, Rhys.
16:38Do we miss anything?
16:38Hold me higher.
16:39I can't see his face.
16:40You are in for it now.
16:41All right.
16:42You're right.
16:42It's your moment.
16:43We'll pile on later.
16:46Dad, there's no point in me saying I'm sorry.
16:49I'm always sorry.
16:51But this is different.
16:52I not only took advantage of you, I did it by pretending to have a closer, more loving relationship.
17:02I know how horrible I made you feel.
17:05And the horrible thing for me is I was faking the relationship I always wanted with you.
17:14Way to take all the fun out of it.
17:15Yeah, nice man.
17:16That is the most honest apology I have ever heard.
17:22Wow.
17:23But it is completely meaningless.
17:25Wait, let's get together.
17:27You have always counted on the fact that no matter what you do, I will always love you.
17:32And that is just true.
17:34It is for all of you.
17:36I assumed the love was just there in every cell of my body and I was helpless to prevent it.
17:44But then I realized that that was just for your mother.
17:47You guys are completely different.
17:49You're so unfailingly destructive and self-absorbed and oblivious that you make it so damn difficult.
17:58That my genuine deep love is an actual act of heroism.
18:04Well, do you realize how good that makes me feel about myself?
18:10Thank you for that gift.
18:22Are you sure everything's ready?
18:23Don't worry.
18:24Don't worry everything's ready or just don't worry?
18:27Whatever answer makes you stop glaring at me, I don't like it.
18:31That's too late now anyway.
18:35Can I have your attention please?
18:37Everyone?
18:41This is such an important day for me.
18:45After 40 years of frustration, Hal has finally let me celebrate our relationship my way.
18:54My way.
18:56Today is happening exactly the way I always wanted it to.
19:00Because honey, for once, for once, it's not about me, it's about you.
19:20Happy anniversary, sweetheart.
19:23This has taken so many online tutorials and equipment rentals and crazy expensive laptop I've been hiding from you.
19:30And I hope you like it.
19:32What would you like people to know about your father?
19:34That is a complicated man.
19:39No, he's not.
19:41He's the least complex man of all time, which I love.
19:45I spend so much time touring in different cities.
19:48Sometimes I don't know where I am.
19:50And then dad calls.
19:51He doesn't understand time zones.
19:53And it's always like four in the morning.
19:56But it's still very thoughtful.
20:00Two minutes talking to him, I feel like I'm home.
20:04Anyway, it got me thinking.
20:06And I wrote this.
20:13For me, the most singular thing about dad is his stamina.
20:18The sheer amount of grief he could stomach.
20:21I got in trouble, got in fights, got suspended, got expelled.
20:26Twice.
20:27Dad was always unfailingly patient with me.
20:31The first time I met Hal...
20:33Oh, got married to you without telling them?
20:35That was a big one.
20:37Anyway, I was dreading it.
20:39As far as I knew, all dads were drunk and mean.
20:41But he was always so steady and reliable.
20:44Now he feels like my real dad.
20:47Got arrested three times?
20:48No, arrested twice, expelled three times?
20:53We were all pretty wild.
20:56But my brothers, they were so far ahead of me that I needed to find my own thing.
21:03So, I chose noise.
21:06I especially like the sound of crashing.
21:09Dishes, lamps, big windows, little windows.
21:13If you know what you're doing, I mean, you can create these frequencies that work right through your brain.
21:19And when dad stopped me, he was always so gentle about it.
21:25I mean, it really made me want to be peaceful.
21:29I really appreciated his tenderness.
21:33Even though I'm kind of a tough guy.
21:35I mean, look at these beasts!
21:39Can the love of your life be a man?
21:42Another heterosexual man?
21:43I say yes.
21:44A thousand times yes.
21:46When someone is that loving and giving and honest and true, you can't stop it.
21:52You understand?
21:53He's not just my best friend.
21:55He's the best person.
21:56No one disagree with me on this one.
22:04Hal is a great man.
22:09Everyone expects me to talk about how forgiving and accepting he is.
22:13And he totally is with me.
22:16I don't know why I do what I do.
22:18I actually asked a therapist about it, but he was all,
22:21I don't know you and I don't work for free.
22:24But what I'm really thankful for is the optimism he gave me.
22:29I still wake up every day thinking I'll be better.
22:32He's always cheerful.
22:33And honest.
22:34And helpful.
22:35And wise.
22:36And honest.
22:37I don't know why you already said that.
22:39I admire his enthusiasm and his courage.
22:41He could try anything and make us do it too.
22:44Our vocal group, Firewalking.
22:47Firewalking.
22:48And don't forget Insightful.
22:50Nobody else recognized that my bluster was just a cover to hide my shame at ruining Secret Santa.
22:56And he's incredibly generous.
22:57Especially when they're playing poker.
23:01Hey, Doc.
23:02I'm sorry this is so rushed.
23:03I'm just a holy swamp.
23:04But I want to say I love you.
23:06Um, I admire your decency and your honesty and your hair.
23:10So happy birth anniversary.
23:13Hey, Linda, can you print me that report?
23:16I was like five when I started feeling wrong.
23:23Thought I was great at hiding it because you guys never said anything.
23:28But then, I had this one really shitty day in the fifth grade.
23:36The other kids and even my teacher.
23:43When I had little kid problems, I'd just go to Dad and he'd clown around and make me feel better.
23:53And, and I wanted to do that.
23:55But, instead I just blurted out, Dad, am I wrong?
24:03And, he was looking at me and, and I knew that he knew.
24:08And, had always known.
24:11And, I could tell he was thinking like, like really hard.
24:20And, I was terrified.
24:24And, then, then he finally said,
24:28could be nicer to your mom sometimes.
24:33So, yeah.
24:35I like him.
24:40Sincere.
24:41Loyal.
24:42Tenderness.
24:42Brave.
24:43Funny.
24:44Faithful.
24:44Agreeable.
24:45Remarkable.
24:46Liver.
24:46Scrinkly.
24:47Loving.
24:47Determined.
24:48Generic.
24:48Fearless.
24:48Considerant.
24:49Affirmable.
24:50Sparkling.
24:50Affectionable.
24:50Awesome.
24:51Outlawful.
24:52Amazing.
24:53Amazing.
24:53Recycling.
24:54Great.
24:55Love.
25:02We did it!
25:03Woo-hoo!
25:04All lines are beautiful lines!
25:08Hal.
25:11When we first met, I knew I'd been looking for you my entire life.
25:20You're my way to come true.
25:24You're my way to come true.
25:24You're my way to come true.
25:27You're my way to come true.
25:28You're my way to come true.
25:28You're my way to come true.
25:31You're my way to come true.
25:33You're my way to come true.
25:44You're my way to come true.
25:50No one's ever done anything like that for me.
25:54No one ever let us.
25:56Excuse me?
26:00It feels weird to insert myself into this moment,
26:04but if I don't do it now, I'm afraid I never will.
26:08Dad.
26:11I'm sorry for how crappy my part in that was.
26:15I didn't realize how much this meant,
26:18how much you meant.
26:22I'm sorry.
26:33I thought I was improving myself by being away from you,
26:37but instead I forgot the important things I learned from you.
26:41Give everyone a chance.
26:45Love is brave.
26:48Don't stop believing.
26:51I know where you got that one, but it's still good.
26:54So, love is brave.
27:02Tristan, I am so flawed.
27:05There are so many parts of my personality that don't work right,
27:09but I love you so much.
27:13Will you marry me?
27:18No!
27:30That doesn't work for everything, Stevie.
27:33Malcolm, I love you so much.
27:39But we both just found out we've been keeping
27:42gigantic, awful secrets from each other.
27:45We have to figure that out before we do anything.
27:51Except sex.
27:52We'll definitely have sex later.
28:14Sweetie, get off your phone.
28:16It's a party.
28:17Go and look at that little weirdo.
28:18He looks lonely.
28:24Hi.
28:24Hi.
28:28I'm Leah.
28:29Hubert.
28:30Who ordered you to approach me?
28:33My grandma.
28:34She could tell I was lonely.
28:35Just as I could tell you're lonely.
28:37It's probably because you're odd.
28:40I am.
28:41Well then.
28:43We're a match made in heaven.
28:44Don't you, eyebrows.
28:45And you're already giving me good advice.
28:48We're blossoming.
28:51Hi.
28:52Would you like to join what may become a super cool friend group?
29:00Yeah, okay.
29:01Thanks.
29:03Can I ask you guys about something really embarrassing?
29:06If you knew me better, you wouldn't.
29:08Go ahead.
29:10Ladies and gentlemen, we present the anniversary dance under the spotlight.
29:14Please remember, they chose the music.
29:19What have you done?
29:21Well, what are you talking about?
29:23Well, it's just a silly little romantic thing.
29:26It's no big deal.
29:27Do you feel my heart beating?
29:30Do you understand?
29:32Do you feel the same?
29:36Am I only dreaming?
29:57Oh my god, it's been in a dream.
29:59You are a dream.
30:02Oh my god, it's been in a dream.
30:10Do you feel my heart beating?
30:14Oh my god.
30:23It's been in a dream.
30:27It's been in a dream.
30:30Oh my god, it's been in a dream.
30:31Oh my god.
30:32I don't know.
30:34Oh my god, my god.
30:36Oh my god.
30:39Do you want to say, do you want to say, am I only dreaming, I need to love, I need
30:59to love, I need to love, give me.
31:09Close, close, close, I'm sorry, I'm sorry that that wasn't supposed to, I didn't mean to, do you like it?
31:30This is the most incontestable forfeit of a security deposit of all time.
31:36And well worth it.
31:39Ow.
31:40What?
31:40What the hell?
31:42My leg is killing me.
31:48When the hell did I get a cast?
31:51Having friends is awesome.
31:53I had no idea.
31:55We talked everything out and they gave me a whole new perspective.
31:58So, I am going to send a picture.
32:01Well, a screenshot.
32:03To his parents.
32:04And every girl in school.
32:10Teachable moment.
32:12Just so you know, Grandma actually helped me solve a problem.
32:15Really?
32:16How?
32:17Well, by bossing me around about something completely different.
32:21That's the MO.
32:50It just occurred to me.
32:52That cheap zipper.
32:53There's tons of things to blame.
32:55Well, I guess this is my life again.
32:58I just have to do everything I can to make it work.
33:01Mostly because I can't think of any way out of it.
33:04I hope Leah's going to be okay with this family.
33:07I like this family.
33:08I feel so much less weird by comparison.
33:11I hope Dad's going to be able to handle it.
33:15I'm sure he'll be fine.
33:19Somehow?
33:20Free designs.
33:21Robots.
33:22Please report to the dance floor.
33:25Z-O-A-V-E-S Metal.
33:28I've created!
33:30S-O-A-V-E-E decision.
33:31So what my Juliamer sided Is here?
33:40I'll be a freak, I'm sorry
33:42Come on and wind me up
33:44System engaged, so I'm about to soar
33:46Let me show you how to land it on the dance floor
33:47Rock back and forth, spaceship on another flight
33:49Let me teach you how to
33:51I'll be a freak, I'm sorry
33:53Come on and wind me up
33:55G-O-R-E-S
33:57I'll be a freak, I'm sorry
34:01Come on and wind me up
34:09Yeah
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