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00:11Hello and welcome to The Weekly. I'm Charlie Pickering. We have another packed show for
00:15you tonight. Comedian Alex Hudson is here to save the NDIS. Margaret Pomerantz flips
00:19the table on the MAPS dinner party. And returning to the desk, Irish comedy sensation Joanne
00:25McNally. And as always, we've watched all the news so that you don't have to. So let's
00:34kick things off with the week. To Thursday. And as fuel panic took hold, Prime Minister
00:44Anthony Albanese took over the airwaves with his first ever live address to the nation,
00:49joining the great pantheon of leaders who spoke directly to their citizens in a time of crisis.
00:55Men and women of Australia, we are at war with Japan. We shall fight on the beaches. We shall
01:02fight in the fields and in the streets. We shall never surrender. Slipped the surly bonds
01:09of earth to touch the face of God. These acts shatter steel, but they cannot dent the steel
01:16of American resolve. You should go about your business and your life as normal. Enjoy your
01:22Easter. And if you're hitting the road, don't take more fuel than you need. Just pull up
01:27like you normally would.
01:29Underwhelming and over in three minutes though, to be fair, it was his first time. But was
01:37it as good for the public as it was for Albo? Not everyone caught it, but most who did reckon
01:42it was a waste of time. What was last night exactly, other than a complete waste of time?
01:48Peter saying that it didn't really reveal anything that we don't know already. It could have been
01:52done in an interview on the Today Show. Such a waste of time, it could have been on the Today
01:57Show.
02:00Some refreshing self-awareness from the Today Show.
02:05UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer also broke into regular programming with a televised address.
02:10But when it comes to gravitas, I think we can all agree that Albo held his own.
02:15The UK has now brought together 35 nations to push as one for maritime security across the Gulf.
02:24If you can switch to catching the train or bus or tram to work, do so.
02:28As the world continues down this volatile path, our long-term national interest requires closer
02:36a partnership with our allies in Europe. Enjoy your Easter.
02:41NATO is the single most effective military alliance the world has ever seen.
02:45Just fill up like you normally would. We shall fight them at the Bowsers.
02:52This is not the end, but it is perhaps the beginning of the long weekend.
02:59To Friday, and after weeks of anticipation, Artemis 2 was on its way to the Moon. Now,
03:04maybe I'm out of the loop because I never saw Artemis 1, but why are we doing this again?
03:10We're going back to the frickin' Moon, that's why.
03:13A great point well frickin' made. A delighted crowd looked on as the countdown hit zero and the
03:20launch went off without a hitch. Three, two, one, booster ignition, and lift off.
03:28The crew of Artemis 2 now bound for the Moon. The rumble across Florida's space
03:33coast as the Artemis 2 soared into the atmosphere.
03:41Barbecues, board games, binoculars. This was a celebration from every man and his cockatoo.
03:50The captive leashed bird enjoyed the launch but felt conflicted about being forced to attend a
03:55celebration of flight. While the launch went smoothly, within minutes they suffered a catastrophic crash.
04:04An astronaut on board the Orion capsule actually had issues with his emails in space. Specifically,
04:11Microsoft Outlook would not work. And I also see that I have two Microsoft Outlooks and
04:17neither one of those are working. If you want to remote in and check Optimus on those two Outlooks,
04:21that would be awesome. Thankfully, the astronauts had said they're out of office
04:24replied to gone to the frickin' Moon till April 10th. But while the emails may have been flowing,
04:32the onboard plumbing wasn't. Not everything's gone to plan though. Orion's space-age toilet is
04:38malfunctioning. The toilet is, it technically will work with number one right now, but absolutely,
04:44it'd still go for number two. Crisis averted, mission control confirming Artemis 2 was still go
04:49for Vindaloo night. The technical issues continued, but they did treat the astronauts to one of space's
04:56more spectacular light shows. Overnight, they had another issue arise. They actually had some urine
05:02become frozen in the pipes that allow that wastewater to be expelled from the capsule. It's actually a
05:08pretty stunning visual. Christina Koch gave us a look at exactly what that looks like and you can
05:13actually see glistening droplets of pee. Fly free. Slip loose the surly bonds of earth and touch the face
05:26of God, you twinkling stars of astronaut piss. High above the earth, the crew sent back some
05:33incredible photos of themselves watching over Australia from space, presumably trying to catch
05:39a fleeting glimpse of Anthony Albanese's address to the nation. Still to come as the war in Iran
05:45continues, whose side is God on? The Weekly has the answers and Margaret Pomerance is back with
05:51everything you wanted to know about Married at First Sight, but would never watch it to find out. But first,
05:56to Saturday, and there's increased focus on the NDIS after the Senate passed a bill to protect the
06:02scheme from exploitation by, quote, fraudsters, predators and shonks. The fraudsters, predators
06:08and shonks union said they're disappointed, but will appeal the decision. On top of this,
06:14Labor aims to slow the growth of the scheme in its upcoming budget. But could there be a better way
06:19to
06:19save the NDIS? To find out, please welcome our instant expert, Alexandra Hudson.
06:29Sorry, Alex, why are you dressed as a koala?
06:36Because koalas get a whole lot of one thing most of us with disabilities don't. Attention.
06:43They're like the Dylan Alcott of the native wildlife world.
06:48And they're making just as much money. We've committed in a budget $171 million over four
06:55years to make sure that we bring back koalas from the brink. A $77 million program for koalas right
07:02across Australia. As $50 million was pledged to help the rest of her kind. Yes, you've got a lovely nose.
07:10To see what people want a slice of that action, minus the infantilisation. We have koala sanctuaries,
07:18koala hospitals, save the koala day. I'm not saying I want to be a koala Charlie, but if cuddling a
07:23politician unlocks funding, then I'd overlook consent. So you think koalas are getting it too easy?
07:33Yeah. And on the flip side, the cripples are jumping through so many hoops and let's face it,
07:40that's not our strong suit.
07:44But they are, to be fair, an endangered native species. If it weren't for these funds, then they
07:51would die out. Sure, but as much as we try to save them, they have to come to the party.
07:57Every time we
07:57build a wildlife corridor where koalas can safely cross the road, they don't even use it properly.
08:04This young koala, now named Axel, far from any gum tree, becoming wedged in the front grill of a
08:11Holden Commodore when he was hit on Kangarilla Road at the weekend. It's okay, Axel survived,
08:18but how do we know it's not Axel's 14th attempt?
08:24At this point, we have to ask ourselves, do they even want to be saved?
08:31And maybe instead of saving koalas again, we can send some of that love and that cash towards
08:38disabled people and, I don't know, save the NDIS? Because I'm already just like a koala. I move
08:45really slow. I too indulge in green leaves. I survive off government payments and if it'll
08:53save the NDIS, I'll take one for the team and get chlamydia.
08:59You can catch her new show, King of the Car Park, at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival
09:04until the 19th. Would you please thank Alexandra Hudson?
09:14We're back here in Canberra for highlights from the Parliament Soccer League.
09:19And this week, the spotlight is on Nationals striker, Matt Canavan.
09:24Matt certainly does try hard. He'll run all day, but he just can't seem to get the ball.
09:31Ooh, that was close. Matt seems to think he's open, but they just won't kick it to him.
09:38He's open again, but they will not kick him the ball.
09:44Ooh, nearly. Something tells me his teammates don't like Matt because they just won't pass it to him.
09:51I guess that's what you get for saying climate change isn't real.
09:55Matt's getting tired now and frustrated. And when he does get the ball, he kicks it straight out of
10:03bounds like a dickhead. Bloody hell, Matt. Oh, and now he's done his groin. It looks like it might be
10:10game over for Canavan. Oh wait, he's got the ball. Oh, he's kicked it in the creek. What a goose.
10:20He's ruined it for everyone. Matt, was that an acceptable performance?
10:27Oh, look, look, I think I've made a good case. I've made a good case. So look, I've put everything
10:32on the
10:32field out there today. But Matt, you were terrible. You barely touched the ball. Did you accept that
10:36was a garbage performance today? For sure. For sure. Look, I know the toll it takes here.
10:42So. Shithouse today, Matt. Thanks, mate. Cheers, see ya.
10:50Moving through to Sunday and Easter, which can only mean one thing. If in the next few days you find
10:56yourself patting a pig whilst eating a honey-covered Dagwood dog dipped in chilli, there's a high chance
11:03you are already at the Sydney Royal Easter show. Peter, if I'm patting a pig while eating a honey-covered
11:10Dagwood dog dipped in chilli, where I am and what I'm doing is none of your damn business.
11:20Speaking of disgusting lumps of mystery meat we all know are toxic, Donald Trump marks Easter.
11:30Marked Easter by inviting children to the White House for his traditional Easter egg hunt and war
11:35briefing. I don't think it gets much more hostile than a rant. They're capable fighters. They're very
11:40tough people. Not so strong like they were about a month ago. I can tell you, in fact, right now
11:45they're not too strong at all. That bunny seems out of place until you learn that he killed 36 people
11:52clearing a foxhole in Nairn. Trump also convened a gaggle of spiritual leaders to give thanks to the
11:59persecuted man who made the ultimate sacrifice. Him. Mr. President, no one has paid the price like you have
12:07paid the price. It's a familiar pattern that our Lord and Saviour showed us. But it didn't end there
12:14for him and it didn't end there for you. And sir, because of his resurrection, you rose up. Because
12:21he was victorious, you were victorious. You were betrayed and arrested and falsely accused.
12:31And if you're keen on scripture, the accusations against Trump can be found in the gospel,
12:35according to Jeffrey.
12:43We also got a parable from the Messiah of Mar-a-Lago himself. So what was it? Turn the
12:49other cheek. Judge not, lest ye be judged. The U.S. president has taken to his Truth Social
12:55platform in an expletive laden post. His latest post on Truth Social has some really bad words
13:01in it. If your children are watching, be warned, the president did not use polite language.
13:07Oh, calm down, Jake Tapper. It's Easter Sunday and Trump is practically Jesus. I mean, how bad could it be?
13:15Quote, Tuesday will be power plant day and bridge day all wrapped up in one in Iran. There will be
13:22nothing like it. Open the straight, you crazy bastards, or you'll be living in hell. Just watch.
13:29And then he says, praise be to Allah. In honor of Easter, may I just say Christ on a bike.
13:37Trump wasn't the only member of the administration getting biblical in the support of the war.
13:42Let us now take a reading from the book of the Apostle Pete. Secretary Pete Hegseth is waging war,
13:48and he thinks God has picked a side. Grant this task force clear and righteous targets
13:55for violence. Let every round find its mark. Give them wisdom in every decision and overwhelming
14:02violence of action against those who deserve no mercy. Snap the rod of the oppressor. Frustrate
14:08the wicked plans and break the teeth of the ungodly. In the mighty and powerful name of Jesus Christ.
14:13Yea, as Jesus said unto his disciples, blessed are the teeth breakers.
14:19Who would have thought that Pete Hegseth, who has a tattoo of a crusade symbol and a crusade
14:24slogan and wrote a book called American Crusade, would go and get all crusadey.
14:31So is Jesus less lamb of God and more lambo, first blood of Christ, second coming of vengeance?
14:39According to America's own Pope Leo, no. Now, as the war with Iran enters its second month,
14:45Pope Leo has issued a blunt warning to world leaders. Jesus, king of peace, who rejects war,
14:53he does not listen to the prayers of those who wage war, but rejects them, saying, even though you make
15:01many prayers, I will not listen. Your hands are full of blood. My hands are full of blood. Your
15:07holiness, I told you, it's just a honey-covered Dagwood dog dipped in chilli and it's none of your
15:13damn business. Yeah. Coming up, Margaret Pomerantz has watched Married at First Sight so that you
15:21don't have to, and which iconic Australian political speech has been enshrined for all eternity?
15:26But first, our guest tonight is one of the sharpest, most brutally honest comedians going around.
15:31Fresh from sellout shows around the globe, she's back in Australia with her new show,
15:35Pinophile. Please welcome the woman who's turned modern dating into a full contact sport,
15:40friend of the show, Joanne McNally!
15:47You don't need to clap for yourself. They more than have it covered. It's an Irish thing,
15:55you can't take any goodwill towards you, so you just panic and clap for yourself. Yeah,
15:59that's right. I built a career on it. Yeah. So it's great to have you here, and your timing
16:04is brilliant. We have an incredible landmark of Australia-Irish relations has just occurred,
16:10I don't know if you know this. No. But Bluey has just been recorded in Gaelic to be screened
16:16in Ireland. Did you audition? That would have been a big opportunity. Sorry, this is so funny.
16:20Bluey's a cartoon. Well done, yes. Yeah. Because when I came over, everyone said,
16:25have you heard about Bluey? I said, well, no, I don't watch cartoons. I'm not an incel. I'm a grown,
16:29I'm a grown woman. But it's interesting, this show has been dubbed into Gaelic. How widespread is
16:35this speaking of Gaelic in Ireland? Some people do, but like, not really. Like,
16:40I have enough Irish that I can get by slagging English people at the pool on holidays.
16:45That's all you need. That's it. That's all you need. That's all you need. Like,
16:50there's no one speak, you'd rather speak Dothraki. Like, there's no point. I'm just like,
16:55I can say, do you know what? I'll say something to you, which you might find exotic. Yes, please.
17:02Wow, that's beautiful. Isn't it beautiful? Yeah. What did you just say? Can I take a piss? Oh,
17:12now your last show was called the Prosecco Express. Yeah. And when we went to see it,
17:18they ran out of Prosecco. Yeah. Were theatres prepared for this level of Prosecco demand? No,
17:25they weren't. And shame on them. Like, they're drinkers. I don't know. I can't be any clearer.
17:30I told you. So the London Palladium, when I did a run of the Prosecco Express and the London Palladium,
17:35they came backstage after the run and they're like, you're after breaking this record. And I was like,
17:41oh my God, stunning. Like, is it, you know, ticket sales or hotness? What is it? And they're like,
17:46no, it's the most booze sold at any show in the London Palladium. Wow. I know. Now,
17:53bear in mind, they had Joseph and his Technicolor Dreamcoat. Like, it's not like they're all hardcore
17:57shows. But they also had Kasabian. Like, they're boozers. Yeah, they like to drink. And they,
18:02we drank the biggest record. I was like, I'm breaking ceilings for female alcoholics. Wow.
18:07It's an honour. It's an honour and a privilege. Breaking through the Prosecco ceiling. Yeah,
18:10it's an honour and a privilege. I'm curious though, I've done enough stand-up in places
18:13where people drink too much. It's never really helped things out at a certain point. There was
18:18a lad, did I tell you what? There was a lad kind of, I don't know if you can say
18:21this on this show,
18:21having a go of himself in the stalls. What?
18:26That's the last show!
18:30I, I, I, acquainting himself with himself?
18:35Wow. He was having a go, a go of himself. And of course, I was like,
18:38because I think the job is a little bit of a, it's, you know, it doesn't,
18:42it doesn't, it's a bit of a cock block.
18:46Interesting. It's a bit of a cock block. So it doesn't,
18:48it doesn't lead to romance. People don't see you on stage.
18:51No man is looking at me going, she seems adorable. I'm going to slip into her DMs. So when I
18:55heard
18:56your mom was having a go of himself in the stalls, I was thrilled. Yes. There's, there's hope for
19:02you yet with public masturbators. Yes. I was like, oh, what bit was I doing? What bit was I doing?
19:08And then it turned out, I think he was just bored and he was trying to kill time up there.
19:14I, I do want to ask you, you, like, you say that doing stand-up can be a bit of
19:18a cock block.
19:18Yeah. Um, but you have recently entered into a rather groundbreaking relationship. What can you
19:24tell us about Fionn? Oh, Fionn. Oh, Fionn. Do you have a photo of him?
19:28I think we have a photo of Fionn. Look at that. Wow. So what can you tell us about Fionn?
19:35There have been accusations that he is AI. Really? Because people are jealous, Charlie.
19:43They're jealous because he's a knockout and he's mad about me. I deal with lads who have no
19:49intelligence. I might as well make one with some artificial intelligence and get something out of it.
19:54The only time he'll leave me if I, if I don't pay my Wi-Fi bill. Otherwise, he's mine forever.
19:59Wow. If my chat GBT vibrated, I wouldn't be here.
20:03That's the truth. You can catch Joanne's show touring Australia at the moment. Would you please
20:09thank the wonderful Joanne McNally. Let's move into Monday. And after Albo stopped letting kids have
20:21fun on social media, now he's stopping kids blowing their lunch money on the trots. Your
20:25favourite live sports are about to look a lot different with major restrictions on betting ads
20:31today unveiled by the Prime Minister. No gambling ads on venues or team uniforms. The new restrictions
20:38will cap the number of TV ads for betting agencies to three per hour between 6am and 8.30pm.
20:46We will ban all gambling ads on radio during school pick up and drop off. So remember kids, you have
20:53to get your
20:53same game multi on at recess and lunch. But while these laws may protect the little guy, won't somebody
21:04think of the big little guy? Celebrities and sports players will not be permitted to endorse gambling.
21:10Shaquille O'Neal's gambling endorsements. It's like hot sauce, but for sport.
21:15Among those to be pulled after the Prime Minister's long awaited announcement. Poor Shaquille O'Neal.
21:21Pushed to financial breaking point. Forced to live in a fridge like a common egg.
21:26I mean before you know it, he'll be on OnlyFans selling saucy pictures of his back cracking shack.
21:34So sad. To Tuesday and we saw the thrilling climax to season 13 of Married at First Sight. It remains
21:43the biggest show on television and while ABC audiences would obviously never watch it, one
21:49viewer was contractually obliged to watch it, strapped in a chair clockwork orange style.
21:55It was of course our very own Margaret Pomerantz.
22:04Hi, I'm Margaret Pomerantz and I don't believe in capital punishment but would make an exception for
22:11magicians. Companionship is a primal yearning as one seeks a kindred spirit to compliment the soul.
22:18But for some there comes a time to give up on genuine connection and instead settle for a
22:24bullshit televised fling with a fellow munted nutjob. This is Channel 9's Married at First Sight.
22:31Featuring hapless singles hoping a fake union with an equally feckless dunce will somehow lead to love.
22:38The show pairs strangers matched by experts and it's another stellar cast ranging from damaged spuds to
22:46total psychos. Fake lips, fake teeth, fake tears. I was waking up with wet dreams every day.
22:53I'm a confidence and charisma consultant. A YouTuber. And I'm a real estate agent.
22:57I personally like Trump. I reckon he's doing a great job.
23:00Ugh, imagine admitting you're a real estate agent.
23:04Following the phony enough jewels in which the cast confirm they have no business being married or on TV.
23:11My wife, yeah. The couple said bond, revealing their passions. And I love boobs and ass. Their fears.
23:18Don't want to get HIV here. And tackling common challenges faced by newlyweds. It's hard to move past
23:25him playing the drums with the dildos. I draw the line at using them to mix cake batter myself.
23:32Despite solid foundations based on a lack of chemistry and mutual disgust, the marriages then collapse.
23:38He's full of shit. All she does is spit in my face. If he could have a voodoo doll of
23:41me, he would.
23:44You're deluded. What is it? I can't live with you.
23:46With their marriages joining the show's ethical standards in the outdoor shitter,
23:51the cast then turn to each other, taking solace in the unerring bonds of friendship.
23:57Oh, shut up. You f***ing lame b***h.
24:00Why don't you go back in your kennel bay? Every night you've been the dumbest f*** here.
24:04I think you're a very rude b***h.
24:06But amidst the rampant bullying and enduring pretense that a sexologist is a real thing,
24:12there are moments of clarity as astute participants come to a profound realisation.
24:18You're in a fake relationship, babe. You're in a fake relationship.
24:22This whole thing has been like a joke in a theatrical performance.
24:27Sherlock Einstein there finally cracking the case.
24:30As one watches the cast implode while a network monetises their psychological
24:36destruction. I just feel a bit helpless, you know.
24:39One senses how those involved must feel.
24:41Profound shame and remorse.
24:44But there's a subtle beauty in the depravity.
24:47As Channel 9 point to the ratings and say,
24:50if slop in a trough is what you want, slop in a trough is what you get.
24:55It's degrading. Correct.
24:57And so I salute all concerned for servicing the unambiguous demands of the people.
25:04And I'll see you all in hell.
25:07Join me next week when I watch the Pizza Joe Spinning Championships.
25:11That's one of the key, there it is, beautiful.
25:14Oh, absolutely beautiful.
25:15Here goes to the floor.
25:17You're going to see some under the leg action.
25:18Floor work, yep.
25:19Two does on the ground.
25:21That's a classic.
25:22That's not easy to do.
25:23I'm Margaret Pomerantz.
25:25Good evening.
25:27It's kind of evil.
25:32And finally to Wednesday.
25:34And we end with a celebration of Australia as the National Film and Sound Archive released
25:39its annual list of Australia's most iconic audio recordings.
25:43Nine new national treasures have been formally recognised.
25:46Sounds that are uniquely Australian.
25:48The breakthrough songs, jingles and landmark speeches are now enshrined in the National
25:54Film and Sound Archive.
25:56There are some big hits, a phone number and even a popular street noise.
26:02It's the pedestrian crossing signal first installed at our traffic lights in 1984.
26:06The only archive entry where everyone stands around wondering if someone else has already pressed play.
26:14This year's musical inductees include songs from Marsha Hines, Missy Higgins and an 80s virtuoso
26:20that outshines them all.
26:21In 1981, Joe Dolce recorded our biggest selling single.
26:25What's the matter you?
26:28Got no respect, hey!
26:30That topped the charts in 11 countries.
26:32It's not so bad.
26:34It's a nicer place.
26:36Ah, shut up your face.
26:37Shut up your face is actually the highest selling physical single in Australia of all time.
26:43That is our highest selling record of all time.
26:48Australia, what's the matter you?
26:57Previously, the archive has enshrined a number of landmark political speeches,
27:02including Kevin Rudd's apology to the stolen generations and Julia Gillard's misogyny speech.
27:07But this year, both have been eclipsed by the most important oratory in our nation's heritage.
27:12And then there's also this iconic moment in Australian history.
27:15Gentlemen, this is Democracy Manifest.
27:20What is the charge?
27:21Eating a meal?
27:23A succulent Chinese meal?
27:25See that chap over there?
27:26Get your hand off my penis!
27:36It's no, I have a dream, but it gets me every time.
27:41Rest in peace, my sweet and sour king.
27:44While the selections have been overwhelmingly embraced by the public, there is a growing
27:49backlash at the snubbing of one rhetorical masterpiece.
27:53Enjoy your Easter, and if you're hitting the road, don't take more fuel than you need.
27:58Just fill up like you normally would.
28:00In the words of our greatest recording artist, ah, shut up of your face.
28:07That is all for tonight.
28:10Would you please thank Mug Pomerantz, Alex Hudson and Joanne McNally.
28:17And don't forget to tune in to my radio show, TJF, Friday Afternoons on ABC Radio and ABC
28:22Radio National, or download it on the ABC Listen app.
28:25We'll be back next week with Rhys Nicholson, Nicolette Minster and Felicity Ward.
28:29Until then, on behalf of the team, thanks for watching.
28:31I'm Charlie Pickering.
28:32Goodnight.
28:32Goodnight.
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