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00:00Tonight on 22 Minutes, we feel the pain at the pumps,
00:03gratuities are not included, and Trump and Kearney connect.
00:0722 Minutes starts now!
00:26Welcome to the show!
00:27The big story this week, humanity went to the moon for the first time in 50 years,
00:32or if you're not a sheep, the first time.
00:37The crew includes the first person of color, the first woman,
00:40and the first Canadian to leave low orbit.
00:42So suck it, Chris Hadfield!
00:47London, Ontario's Jeremy Hansen has become an overnight hero,
00:50proving to get famous in Canada, you've got to really leave the country.
00:56Hansen and crew spent their first days in space setting up their living quarters,
01:00including a home gym.
01:01The gym is very important to astronauts, and they're sort of setting up their home gym today.
01:06It's literally just one briefcase-sized machine called the flywheel,
01:10and it allows them to do rudimentary exercises, things like squats, rows.
01:15That's nice, but if it's anything like my home gym, it'll just be where they throw their clothes.
01:22So far, the mission has gone off without a hitch.
01:25Well, almost.
01:26Yesterday, they had some issues with a toilet on board and some sensor issues.
01:30That is an issue.
01:31That's a major issue.
01:32There is one issue on, there is one toilet.
01:34Yeah, you cannot survive eight days without that.
01:36That's why you make sure you go before you leave!
01:41Monday, the crew became the first humans to see the dark side of the moon,
01:45and NASA has confirmed it totally syncs up with the Wizard of Oz.
01:50Ultimately, this trip is setting up the groundwork for an exciting new future for humanity in space.
01:56Even in terms of mining on the moon, tourism, all those areas,
02:01we're at a very, very interesting, exciting time, I think, in human history right now.
02:06Moon tourism?
02:08Please, God, let them fix the toilets by then.
02:15What?
02:21Prime Minister's office, talk to Daddy.
02:23Mark, it's Donald, your downstairs neighbor.
02:26Oh, Mr. President, I've been meaning to call you to congratulate you on the launch of the Artemis II rocket.
02:33Missile.
02:34Rocket?
02:34Which is a type of missile.
02:37This is the first joint moon mission between America and Canada.
02:41Joint?
02:42You must be smoking one, because you're just a hitchhiker, County.
02:45We're taking you for a ride, quite frankly.
02:48Actually, the crew should be on the dark side of the moon now.
02:51Unable to contact Earth, no news or X or Truth Social, no way at all to hear your voice.
02:58Oh, how I envy them.
03:01I'm only calling you because we got your number from another country who said you may be interested in going
03:07to war with Iran.
03:09Mr. President, I can't go to war with Iran.
03:12I'm already at war with Alberta.
03:15I'm just letting you know there's limited availability, only a couple of spots left, and they're going fast.
03:20From a Canadian perspective, Canada will not be engaged in this war with Iran ever.
03:26I'll put you down as a maybe.
03:29Now, would you also be interested in invading Canada in June?
03:34Excuse-a-me?
03:36Sorry, that was meant for Russia.
03:39By the way, did you hear?
03:40I'm putting my signature on the money.
03:42All new paper currency will have my big-ass Sharpie scroll across it.
03:46If I may.
03:47If I may.
03:48When I was governor of the Bank of Canada, my signature was on all the bills as well.
03:52Been there, done that.
03:53We're going to war in June!
03:55Ah, I wouldn't do that if I were you, Mr. President.
04:00Have you seen The Avengers?
04:02Captain America, a man from the 1940s is frozen in ice and thaws out in the modern age.
04:08That's basically every Trump voter.
04:11Well, I have the Infinity Gauntlet.
04:15I've been collecting MPs, making them cross the floor.
04:18Conservative NDP doesn't matter.
04:20And now there are three bi-elections coming up.
04:23All I need to do is win all three Infinity MPs, and I will have 173 seats.
04:28One more than a bare majority, making me unstoppable.
04:34All I have to do is lift my elbow up and snap.
04:37And then what happens?
04:38I'll prorogue Parliament, revamp the committee system, ease the flow of passage of legislation.
04:41In short, Hot Daddy Summer.
04:45So war in June.
04:46I'll see you then.
04:48All right.
04:54This week, researchers revealed annoying people can speed up aging.
04:58Which makes sense.
05:00Mitch McConnell's actually 42.
05:03Air Canada CEO Michael Russo came under fire last week after posting a controversial condolence
05:09message in English only.
05:11Come on, Mike.
05:11You guys do everything in both languages.
05:13Even your barf bags are bilingual.
05:16The scandal was so bad, he was forced to step down.
05:19And the search for a replacement is already underway.
05:23And as an executive, I practiced those same values I learned as a flight attendant 30 years ago.
05:29Well, your resume is flawless.
05:30You know this company inside and out.
05:32Et je parle Francais.
05:33I think you're the perfect candidate to lead Air Canada into the future.
05:37And make it even better.
05:40What'd you say?
05:41I said we could make Air Canada better.
05:47No, I mean it, you know?
05:50No more delays just because we feel like it.
05:53No more delays?
05:55I really think Air Canada could be, you know, a model of efficiency.
06:03This woman is insane.
06:06Restrain her!
06:08Wait.
06:08Wait!
06:09Wait!
06:10What's happening?
06:10I thought you understood how things work around here.
06:13How foolish of me.
06:15Please!
06:15We don't have to be a national embarrassment.
06:17Oh, you simple fool.
06:19It is written.
06:21It is written.
06:23Where is it written?
06:28Okay, we can take that down.
06:29It is in the oath we swore.
06:33We can change, okay?
06:34I'll take a pay cut to give the flight attendants a living wage.
06:37And to think I almost hired you.
06:41De-iced her!
06:43No!
06:45No!
06:47More over-booking.
06:51What should we do with her?
06:52Treat her like a suitcase that has to go on two different flights.
06:55Make her disappear forever.
06:57Got it.
07:02Send in the next candidate!
07:04Hello!
07:06I don't speak a lick of French.
07:09Here's a thought.
07:10What if we put fewer pretzels in the pretzels?
07:17Welcome aboard, Mr. CEO.
07:27A new survey shows two-thirds of Canadians want to abolish tipping culture.
07:31But what they don't know is how deeply rooted it is in history.
07:34All right.
07:35Whoo!
07:37Sourder than a goat's butt and a pepper patch out there.
07:41Trouble you for a whiskey.
07:42Coming right up.
07:46Thank you kindly.
07:52What do I owe you?
07:53Oh, any old coin.
07:55Much obliged.
08:00Oh, here's a little something extra.
08:04But you paid.
08:05It's called a tip.
08:07They're doing it in the big city.
08:09It's catching on.
08:10A tip?
08:11And it's for me?
08:13Yes, ma'am.
08:13Someone does you a kindness.
08:16You toss them a little tip as a thank you.
08:18Oh, gee.
08:19I'm gonna ask for a tip all the time.
08:21Hold on now.
08:23You're not supposed to just ask.
08:25And I'm gonna ask for tips even when I do a really bad job.
08:28Well, no.
08:29It should be an incentive.
08:30And I'm gonna make them bigger than this.
08:32Pardon me?
08:33Well, the whiskey was a dime.
08:35And you only tipped a penny.
08:36Yeah, I mean, that's 10%.
08:38That's decent.
08:39Yeah, I'm gonna make them 25.
08:40You can't just make them 25.
08:42Mm-hmm.
08:4325% or more, but 25 at the lowest.
08:46No one's gonna pay that.
08:48They'll have to, or it'll be weird because I'll stand over them and do my glaring.
08:51No, no, no.
08:52They should not be done under duress.
08:54And if they don't pay up, I'll spit in their food.
08:56What?
08:57Or I'll talk slander about them in the kitchen.
08:59Why?
09:00Hey, everyone.
09:01I have good news.
09:03We're all gonna be making 25% more money now and forever.
09:07No, no, no, no, no.
09:09And if they don't pay up, we'll make it awkward and spit in their food.
09:13No, we do not spit.
09:15You can charge tips on anything now.
09:17I'm talking rides into town, haircuts, upper body massage.
09:22No, no, no, no, no.
09:23And therapy, maybe.
09:25Ooh, and dental stuff, too.
09:27It's a new frontier.
09:28Dental stuff.
09:29And if people from Germany come over and they don't get it, I won't just give you a hot
09:34tour.
09:35What is Germany?
09:36We suck gold.
09:37We're rich!
09:38You're not rich.
09:40You know what?
09:41I'm taking my tit back.
09:43That's right.
09:43I'm taking my tit back.
09:45That ain't how it works.
09:46Hey.
09:48Don't you be doing that.
09:49Hey!
09:51All right, you can have it.
09:53It's yours.
09:54You win.
09:55Yeah.
09:55Goddamn.
09:56That's what I thought.
09:57Jesus.
09:59Come again.
10:08At a recent press conference, Doug Ford's political life flashed before his eyes after
10:13he nearly had to share.
10:18Oh, Christ.
10:21I almost drank your water.
10:22Did you have a sip of that?
10:25Okay, I'll take a sip.
10:27This isn't going to turn me into a liberal, is it?
10:33No, Doug.
10:34But it could shrink those pores.
10:37But maybe Doug was right to be worried a few days later, Ford unexpectedly told the Toronto
10:43Star he wants Carney to have a majority.
10:45Oh, my God.
10:46What was in that water?
10:49Doom in on that glass.
10:53Diabolical.
10:58Your Majesty.
10:59What's all this, then?
11:01Preparing for your state visit to America, sir.
11:04Is that all ready?
11:05Harry and Meghan don't know I'm coming, do they?
11:08I'm afraid they may, sir.
11:10Blast.
11:11Let's hope our broke-ass American relations don't ask for any money.
11:15I do hate going abroad.
11:17Do you have my teddy bear?
11:19Yes, sir.
11:20Yes.
11:22We shan't forget the bear.
11:25What's on the agenda?
11:27A dinner, sir, at a place called Mar-a-Lago.
11:31I assume silk-top, hat and tails?
11:33A touch formal, sir.
11:35Evening suit with a dinner jacket.
11:37Nearer the mark, but still a stone's throw, sir.
11:40I'm the blasted king of England having dinner with the bloody president of the United States of America.
11:45What the hell am I supposed to be wearing?
11:49Excellent, sir.
11:51You look like an idiot.
11:53You'll fit right in.
11:56For England.
11:58No.
12:03High gas prices have Canadians looking for alternative ways to travel, with the majority supporting high-speed rail.
12:09On the other side looking to derail it all, guess who?
12:13That is why I am announcing today that Conservatives oppose the $90 billion Liberal Alto train that we call on
12:20the Carney Liberals to cancel it.
12:22And if Carney won't cancel it, Polyev has a fiendish plan.
12:28The Alto rail line would connect Toronto and Quebec City, but Polyev thinks it will be a massive waste of
12:34money.
12:35If Alto made any financial sense, it would pay for itself through fares, just like airplane tickets pay the full
12:43cost of air travel.
12:45Yeah, why can't this train be more like the thing we all love and trust?
12:49Airlines!
12:52But Pierre's worried the train's gonna rob us all blind.
12:55Carney Liberals will confiscate farmland and private property, disrupting communities and harming the quality of life of local residents,
13:02who will not even get to use the train because it won't have any stops near their homes.
13:07Pierre, are you saying you want the train to go to everyone's house?
13:11Next stop, Randy's apartment!
13:14It sounds like Polyev doesn't want anything running through our farmland and communities unless it's a pipeline full of crude.
13:27Welcome to the gas station. I don't make the prices. Please don't yell.
13:31Yes! Gas is so expensive! I love it!
13:34Yeah, the wars increase the costs.
13:36Oh, I know. I drove here for these prices.
13:40I live two towns over where it's three cents cheaper.
13:45Right. You looking for full service today?
13:47Oh, yeah.
13:48You do the pumping.
13:50I'm just here to watch.
13:55So, fill it up?
13:56Oh, yeah. Right to the brim. I left my tank so dry for you.
14:01That's an awful way to say that. So, regular?
14:03No, no, no, no, no. Supreme. No, wait. No. The middle one. Is it more money? Yes. Is it any
14:11better? I can't tell the difference.
14:14Come right up.
14:16Squeezer?
14:17Oh, my God. It's at $30 already? Oh, I need a cigarette. Oh, but I can't because of all this
14:25expensive gas. You're making me want to bike.
14:28Hey, can we go? We're going to be late for work.
14:30And look what I have to do now. I have to carpool with my annoying co-worker. Oh, this sucks
14:37so much. I love it.
14:38You're not 15 minutes early. You're... Shut up, worm. Get inside and fetch me a weak, watery Van Hout brand
14:46coffee. I prefer it. Go on. Go on. Run now. Chop-chop. All the way.
14:53Okay. It's $110 even. I love it when that happens. Squeeze it again. Then it won't be even. Squeeze it
14:58again.
15:01Read it out to me. Read it out loud. Let me hear those words. $110.02.
15:05Oh, my God. That's so expensive and uneven. I love it. Right. I'm going to help pump three. I'm hoping
15:12they just yell at me.
15:13Oh, before you go, can I use your washer? Sure. Because I think I'm really going to like it.
15:18Yeah. Oh, my God. You have got to be kidding me.
15:28Yes!
15:39A Manitoba teacher was stripped of his certificates after giving cannabis to kids in high school.
15:45Before he got there, it was just called school.
15:49Pierre Polyev sent out a mass email to his shadow cabinet asking them to explain why they deserve their roles.
15:57Their response?
15:58Uh, because we won on the first try?
16:04Welcome back to Kids Say the Darnedest Things, the show where kids say uninformed things and we ridicule them.
16:12First up is eight-year-old Jacob.
16:14Jacob, where do your mom and dad work?
16:18Uh, the business store?
16:21The business store?
16:24You're dumb because we didn't teach you and yet somehow it's your fault.
16:29Kid number two, how much money do your mom and dad make?
16:34Uh, five dollars?
16:36Five dollars! He thinks his parents make five dollars. This kid says the darnedest things.
16:43That's what's left after the rapacious corporate parasites exploit their labor.
16:48Would you learn a thing like that there, little fella?
16:50Well, just a general observation anyone not blinded by ideology could make.
16:55Okay, that's a little more darned than I was prepared for.
17:00Oh, you look normal.
17:02Where do you think babies come from?
17:05The revolution will be bloodless if the 1% allows it to be.
17:10Okay, straight back to number one. Number one is in my corner.
17:13All right.
17:15Mister, do you hate kids?
17:17No, of course not.
17:17Because your generation's disdain for our generation suggests otherwise.
17:22The planet is burning and it's your fault.
17:25Do you feel good about the world you're leaving behind?
17:28Please, stop saying such darn things.
17:30We must radicalize the proletariat.
17:33Come on, kids. Life's not so bad. Everything's going to turn out fine.
17:37The billionaires are going to make everything right because of the markets and stuff.
17:47This has been Adults Say the Darnedest Things.
17:50Tune in next week if society hasn't crumbled yet.
17:53Eat the rich.
17:54You can't throw to a commercial. It's my show.
17:57Darn you. Darn you all.
18:01Who's running this thing?
18:12This week, the FDA issued a recall of chocolate containing large amounts of Viagra.
18:17So if your baby Ruth turns into a Mr. Big for longer than six hours, please call a doctor.
18:26Canada's population is on the decline, so we've assembled some of the greatest minds to figure out how to reignite
18:32the population.
18:33Any ideas?
18:34We could offer incentives.
18:36What about media messaging?
18:37Okay.
18:38I'll do it.
18:39I'm sorry?
18:40I'll make a baby.
18:41Who are you?
18:42Well, my name is Devin.
18:43I'm a physicist.
18:44My lab coat's in the car, but I'll make a baby with anyone.
18:48I mean, what do I carry, huh?
18:49Okay, well, we'll table that for now.
18:51Any other ideas?
18:52Tax benefits.
18:53Grants.
18:54I'll do it.
18:55Excuse me?
18:56I'll have a baby.
18:58Lisa Nance, high-ranking biologist.
19:00Actually?
19:01Sorry, I lost my lab coat because I was standing too close to a bonfire.
19:04But I'll have a baby with this guy.
19:07Pleasure to have you on the project.
19:08Likewise.
19:09Well, let's pop these tops off, huh?
19:11No, no, no.
19:11Tops stay on.
19:13We just need actual ideas.
19:15All right.
19:15Well, while you guys do that, we'll go out back, make a baby, and save the country.
19:19No one goes anywhere.
19:20All right.
19:21Well, I guess we could do it here.
19:23Oh, yeah.
19:24I mean, if you guys don't mind, I mean, I'm not shy.
19:25Me neither.
19:26All right.
19:27Okay.
19:27Let's get her.
19:28All right.
19:29Aren't you two a bit over the hill for kids?
19:31Oh, no.
19:32Doc says I still got some swimmers in the old pool.
19:34Oh, yeah.
19:35I mean, the oven's running on fumes, but you could still cook a bird in there.
19:38Okay.
19:39Stop it.
19:40I want actual, viable ideas, not just two freaks getting it on in my boardroom.
19:46Okay.
19:48Wow.
19:50I thought I could just save the country by having a baby with a random guy, but, um, guess
19:56I'm just a fool, huh?
19:58A 52-year-old woman with an overactive thyroid and a Candy Crush score, that would make God
20:02cry.
20:03I'm just a 57-year-old man with a plate in his shoulder and a blood sugar count you
20:08got to see to believe.
20:10I guess some stars burn a little too bright, huh?
20:15Sir, I mean, think about it.
20:17They're not not fixing the problem.
20:20It would help a little.
20:21I'll do it.
20:23I'll make a baby with them.
20:24I'll do it, too.
20:25Once they're done, I'll hop in there and I'll have a baby.
20:28Pleasure to have you aboard.
20:28Thanks for having me.
20:29Oh, my God, excited to work with you.
20:31Oh, yeah.
20:32Wait, wait, wait, wait.
20:35Ah, what the hell?
20:36It's a start.
20:36Let's pop these tops off here.
20:38Oh, yeah.
20:38This is great.
20:39I feel like this can take a lot.
20:40Who's with who?
20:41Who's going to be with who?
20:42Gibbs on bottom!
20:46That's the way we saw the world in season 33.
20:48A big thank you to Mark McKinney for joining us all season.
20:54And before we go, let's look at how someone else saw the world this week.
20:58I'm trying to tell you, just trust me, you are special.
21:02In all of this emptiness, this is a whole bunch of nothing, this thing we call the universe.
21:06You have this oasis, this beautiful place that we get to exist together.
21:11Let's hope it still exists in September.
21:13If so, we hope to see you then.
21:16Good night!
21:17Good night!
21:18Good night!
21:19Good night!
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