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Write Dirty with Katherine Ryan Season 01 Episode 10
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00:00As I emptied my suitcase from my spiritual beach vacation in St. Bart's, I felt a twinge in my
00:11neck. Although I had tried to sleep, first class is just not designed like it used to be.
00:16But I, of course, feeling zen, tried to find my gratitude. How blessed I am to travel,
00:23I whispered. How blessed I am to see the world. But as I unpacked an unusually large wind chime,
00:29I'd purchased from the airport. The metal pipes began to smash and thoughts of a sexy seaside
00:35started to wave across my mind. What if you build a sandcastle so impressive that an onlooker begs
00:43you to erect their tower? What if you ride a banana boat so vigorously you bring on your very own
00:50tsunami? What if the very sight of you in a caftan means a tourist feels his beach balls immediately
00:57fill up? I need to hear this story told in full. I booked another getaway immediately so that I
01:03could find two bedazzling beach babes that would tell me how this story would go and to write me
01:09dirty. Hello, I'm Katherine Ryan and I've got two guests to write me a dirty story all in the hopes
01:17of winning a pen. And this week, my two salacious soulmates are Felicity Ward and London Hughes.
01:22Welcome ladies. Hi babes. Hello lovely. I feel bad like sometimes even saying ladies. I know.
01:29Girls, gals, ladies, people. You call me what? You're a dickhead. I'll take anything. We are so
01:34diverse right now because we've got Canadian, Australian and British. American. And American.
01:40Is your family Jamaican? Mm-hmm. We're actually all colonized. Oh wow. We've all been colonized.
01:47That's true. Isn't that cute? That's so great. Look at us. I mean, to be fair, my mum is white
01:52English, so I'm part of the problem. Yes, you are. I did Who Do You Think You Are? And my, well,
01:57my dad's from Ireland like months before I was born. Wow. Like a contentious number of months. He was
02:02born months before you were born? No, like, yeah, he came to Canada. Like that's scientifically impossible.
02:06Yeah. But also the dates. I think he's my dad. And my mother's family came at a time when all the
02:13real violence in Canada, the Indigenous people had already really been culturally. Jesus.
02:19Wiped out. Yeah. So it wasn't me. You. Thank God. Irish people. You really cannot fault Irish as far
02:25as being on the right side of history. Shall we get into the show? Let's do it. Sure. So you've written
02:30dirty stories about each other. What are your own fantasies? So my fantasy is Michael B. Jordan.
02:38Oh, basically, I'm on a private jet. Yeah. And as it takes off, he's going down on me.
02:44I'm like, that's a great fantasy. That's very unsafe. That's unsafe sex. Why is it unsafe?
02:49I just feel like seatbelts on at takeoff. Okay. But they ask you sometimes to put your hand between,
02:54your head between your own legs. Yes. Right. So can we swap? They don't specify.
02:59They don't specify. Also, like my, this is going to sound crazy, but my, I might as well
03:05say it, my porn search thingy is. What's thingy? Finish that sentence. My porn search criteria.
03:11Oh, sure. Used to be, I haven't watched porn for maybe like a year. I'm trying to like,
03:17because Lady Gaga says that like, you have to restain from all of that because you keep
03:20your essence in. I'm trying to keep my essence in because I'm. The chakra. My essence is left
03:25the building. Well, I, there's a category called MILF. Yes. Stuck. I knew you guys would do that
03:32face. Yes. Tell me. Okay. You're going to love it. You're going to love it. So I've told
03:37guys that I'm like dating about MILF stuck and I've showed them it. They didn't know. And
03:42they're like, this is amazing. So basically it's always the premise of a gorgeous, sexy,
03:47older woman, like voluptuous, gorgeous woman. Could be me. She's, could be Felicity.
03:50She's at home. She's like cleaning or whatever. And there's one particular one where she gets
03:56stuck in the washing machine. Then stepmom, stepson's friends come to him. Like, where's,
04:03where's, uh, is Barry here? And it's like, no, he's not here. I'm just, I'm just stuck.
04:09Can you help me? It's like, whoa. Yeah. Of course I can help you. I'll help you. All right.
04:13And he fucks the shit out of her. And she's like, wait, no, wait. Yes.
04:18And then she's just, MILF sucks. She's getting fucked.
04:22How did you fuck? How did you get, how did you think?
04:25I think I've just seen every variation of MILF. Yeah. And so I got to MILF suck and I was
04:30like, interesting. The safety of MILF is, you know that they're age appropriate.
04:34Yeah. I don't like these young, I don't like, don't like these young ones.
04:37No, mate. I just want to text them. Yeah. And even if they're older and they, but they look
04:42young. No. So I want an old seasoned. Seasoned. I like my women seasoned. Yeah.
04:47And so when. And also someone that wants it. Like. Yeah. It's always women are like,
04:51oh, I don't know. If you ever see porn where women are like, I'm going to fucking give it
04:56to you. Yeah. Okay. And I feel like they're more grateful. The MILFs. I feel like they really.
05:00MILF stuck. Sounds like there is a consent issue. Well, the thing is, she's like, no. But
05:04then she's like, yes. There is something called. It's giving baby it's called outside.
05:08It is. It is. Definitely. There is consent, no consent. Yeah. But then she gets stuck in a
05:13window. This MILF is not bright. She's got terrible special awareness. She got stuck
05:19underneath a glass table. Like she was under a little coffee table. Do you know what?
05:22She needs whiskers like a cat. So she knows. It's very. She needs a helmet and whiskers.
05:28MILF stuck. Knock yourself out. It's very, very interesting. Knock yourself out. She did.
05:32Literally. Getting in the washing machine. Yeah. So MILF stuck in private chairs. I'm not
05:36going to search it, but I am going to just try it with my husband. I'm going to get stuck.
05:39Please. Oh, do it for me. I'll just be like, I'm stuck. I'll film it for you. I'll end
05:43the video if anything kicks off. No, no. Continue. But I don't think he would. I feel
05:47like if you're like, I'm stuck. And he tries, like, that's such a good role play. Like, I'm
05:52stuck. I physically can't move. But like the meta narrative, like I am stuck in my marriage.
05:58We are free kids. I am MILF stuck. I'm MILF stuck. This isn't hot. This is reality.
06:03You guys are actually MILFs as well. I know. Do you like watching MILFs?
06:07I don't think so. No, it's not your thing. No. May I say the joy of watching female
06:12porn and female only porn is there's absolutely an orgasm. Yes. And you are bisexual now.
06:19I am. I'm newly bisexual. That's great. Is that now? I thought you were always bisexual.
06:23No, I only realized like three years ago. But London knew. London knew. I always thought
06:28you were. Did you know? Did you always think? Babes, you were bisexual from the beginning.
06:31That is so funny. Because I've never, I haven't had, there's some friends that we have that
06:34have come out later and everyone's like, we were, we were waiting. You were definitely.
06:37I was not, yeah, I just assumed. This is the first time I feel very validated.
06:40Do you think, Felicity, it was being MILF stuck that awakened your bisexuality?
06:46And then I got divorced and I became un-MILF stuck.
06:52You've been set the task of writing an erotic story that must feature one another.
06:56And it also must feature a specific setting, person and prop. Your story must be set at a beach.
07:02I would like it to include a sunburnt tourist, a shark, and at least one beach ball. The winner
07:09will receive a pen. And the best story will receive a cheeky spot on my hot shelf filled
07:17with lewd tails. Lube tails?
07:20Lubed.
07:21Lubed and lewd tails. Anyway, we're all about consent in the Write Me Dirty library.
07:28Yay.
07:28So which one of you would like to begin with your filthy tail?
07:32I'm really intrigued by hers. I feel like it's going to be better than mine.
07:34I'll go first.
07:35Let's see what you like.
07:36I was like, London's probably better, so I'll go first.
07:38No, I think yours is going to be better.
07:39Okay. Please tell me the title of your dirty story.
07:42All right. The title is The Lunder Down Under.
07:45The London Down Under?
07:47The Lunder. Oh, it could either be The London Down Under or The Lunder Down Under.
07:51The Lunder Down Under.
07:52I think The Lunder Down Under is better.
07:54I'm ready for this. I'm seated.
07:56Sat.
07:57I'm going to do my deep voice.
07:58Please do.
07:58It was a hot, steamy summer Sunday afternoon in Sydney.
08:04Alliteration was everywhere.
08:06British baddie London Hughes was filming her new dating show, To Catch a Dick,
08:11on Bondi Beach.
08:12Let's go.
08:14She'd just come back from the sorbet shop across the road, but it was Australia,
08:17so while she did get the best ice cream she'd ever tasted,
08:20it also came with free racism.
08:23Yeah!
08:24But where are you really from?
08:26The gnarly-toothed, unfuckable shopkeeper called after her.
08:29Oh, I loved it. Hold on. I'm getting hot.
08:31But where are you really from?
08:36Unbothered and still hot.
08:37Yes.
08:38Licking the grainy ice from the top of its bulbous scoop.
08:41Yes.
08:42London sauntered back in a Chanel kitten heel and lime green Gucci string bikini.
08:47Let's go.
08:47A string bikini.
08:48I'm literally wearing Chanel and Gucci today.
08:50You know me so well.
08:51I know you so well, obviously.
08:53Let's go.
08:54And why?
08:54I've written it here because she's always that bitch.
08:57Whoa.
08:58She is.
08:59I love this.
09:00All right, here's where it gets steamy.
09:01All in a row and ready for their next challenge stood five single, handsome, funny, interesting,
09:10compassionate, ambitious, fun, accomplished, and caring men.
09:15What?
09:15The only five of their kind on the planet to be all of those things at once.
09:19Exactly.
09:20It's a fantasy.
09:21I love this.
09:21It went very science fiction.
09:23Oh, my God.
09:24I mean, it's in Australia.
09:25It's basically an alien planet.
09:27Oh, wow.
09:29Their hard bodies glistened with SPF 50+.
09:32Oh, I like that.
09:33Let's see.
09:34That was for you.
09:34Thanks.
09:35Under the thin ozone layer between them and the Australian cancer-determined sun.
09:39Yes.
09:40The director called action.
09:42Oh.
09:42The camera starts on Felicity Ward, London's slightly less attractive friend, but a proud
09:48hoe nonetheless.
09:49How dare you?
09:49How comes the self-esteem problem?
09:50I guess what I'm saying, what's wrong with her?
09:51Do you know what?
09:52I'm only friends with bad bitches.
09:55You would not be my friend if I thought you were ugly.
09:58I know.
09:58I would tell you were ugly every day.
09:59That is true.
09:59I'm very honest.
10:00You're that other bitch.
10:02I'm the other bitch.
10:03You're the baddest bitch.
10:05Back from a toilet break quickie with the show's gaffer, Felicity, oiled and horny,
10:10nice.
10:10Bounces and slides on a giant beach ball.
10:13Nice.
10:13She looks to the camera, licks a pair of cherries, not a euphemism, and horn whispers
10:18down the barrel, to catch a dick.
10:21Yeah, baby.
10:21Because that's the opening title.
10:23Yeah, I love that for you.
10:24The camera tracks over to London, pouring coconut water all over herself on a podium
10:28shaped like a vulva.
10:29Oh, what's a vulva look like again?
10:32Get a mirror, mate.
10:33Lots of different.
10:33That's all of this.
10:35The whole of the vagina is a vulva.
10:37The outside is the vulva.
10:38The vagina's only like a small bit on the inside.
10:40The vagina is the...
10:41You have labia, majora, menorah, the vulva.
10:43So the vulva's just the lips?
10:45The outer lips?
10:46It's the whole business.
10:48Including the peekaboo?
10:49Yeah.
10:50That's the vulva.
10:51We don't really know.
10:52The vagina is the canal.
10:54What's the labia then?
10:56It's the labia.
10:57Where's that then?
10:58So there's the labia menorah and the labia majora.
11:01How do you know about all this?
11:02Bisexual.
11:03Bisexual, yeah.
11:03No, it's not that.
11:05It's not that.
11:05They talk about it in class.
11:07Yeah.
11:08In bisexual class.
11:09Yeah, when I got my degree.
11:10Yeah.
11:10You know how I found out that I was a bisexual?
11:12I went to buy a skateboard.
11:14Oh, my God.
11:14That's how I found out.
11:17Sorry.
11:18Sorry, go for it.
11:18All right.
11:19London calls out to the men that even though they're the best on the earth,
11:22are still not good enough for her.
11:23That part.
11:24Yeah.
11:24She knows me, man.
11:25I know you, mate.
11:26I wrote this for you.
11:27This is my honeybee.
11:27With you in my heart.
11:29For your next challenge to win a place in my heart and my pants is to,
11:33one by one, see if you can fight this shark.
11:36Oh.
11:38She gesticulates to the open water as a shark called Graham is dropped
11:41from a helicopter in the sky into the ocean.
11:44What a show.
11:45Wow.
11:45As if you wouldn't watch production budget.
11:47Yeah.
11:47Is it a real shark or animatronic shark?
11:49No, no, no.
11:49This baby is a real shark.
11:50Graham is real.
11:51Graham's a real shark.
11:52Hey, Graham.
11:53Yeah, yeah, yeah.
11:54Nice.
11:54This is the moment to shine.
11:55Yeah.
11:56At that time, it dawned on the producers that they may not have thought
11:59this through, but it was going to make fantastic television.
12:01Yep.
12:03Terrence was the first to take the waves.
12:05CEO of a homeless charity and doctor in social science.
12:08He ran his thick tree trunk thighs as his PhD, pretty huge dick.
12:14Nice.
12:14I'm quoting Kanye.
12:15I'm quoting Kanye.
12:17Bulged from his Speedos, gripping to his body like a small lycra
12:20handkerchief strapped to the front of a high-speed rocket ship.
12:23You're good at this.
12:24Yeah.
12:24He swam to Graham, ready to wrestle it to death and prove to London he was
12:29husband material.
12:30Nice.
12:30But before he could pull back his cannon-sized bicep, he was mulled to death
12:34by the overly-toothed shark.
12:36There's Terrence out.
12:38Yeah, Terrence is gone.
12:39London says, not hot, as she crossed his face off the leaderboard with a
12:43throbbing, veiny, peen-shaped marker.
12:45Nice.
12:45Red tip, of course.
12:47Okay.
12:47Yes.
12:48Because she's a lady.
12:50Malik, can you do better?
12:51Malik.
12:51All you have to do is not die.
12:53Low bar.
12:54Malik, absolutely terrified, sprinted, then forward-flipped again and again
12:59into the water, showcasing skills from his day as a fourth-placed world-record
13:03gymnast.
13:04He looked back to London, smiling and flexing and crying, as he backstroked out
13:09into the water.
13:10Within seconds, he was, again, just like the Tokyo Olympics, a loser.
13:14Oh, no!
13:15I know.
13:16Too damn.
13:17I like Malik.
13:18I know.
13:18We both did, but he couldn't beat a shark.
13:20He was emotionally available.
13:22Yeah.
13:22Yeah, yeah, yeah.
13:23Which was he?
13:23Was he an MD, PhD?
13:25He was a gymnast.
13:25Gymnast.
13:26Oh, so he was an Olympic gymnast.
13:27He was an Olympic gymnast.
13:28Babes, all right.
13:29Who do I get with?
13:31What was happening?
13:31It's about to happen.
13:32You better fuck someone in this.
13:33Are you going to, don't you?
13:34It might be Graham.
13:35It could be the shark.
13:37Baby shark.
13:39You could have a baby shark.
13:41I'm drying up here, boys.
13:43If I wanted to see this much blood, I'd just hang out with my friends so our cycles sync
13:47up.
13:47Oh, wow.
13:47I would watch this show.
13:49Same.
13:49100%.
13:50So to even out the challenge, the rest of you can compete together.
13:53Oh, okay.
13:54I like this.
13:55Okay.
13:56Michelin star and veterinarian Jason cried, I just want to go home, as he fell to his knees.
14:02Fuck you, Jason.
14:03I know.
14:04Well, he doesn't want to die.
14:05Oh, yeah.
14:06He and the other remaining disappointments shuffled towards the shore, hugging each other,
14:10stifling tears and prayers, staring at Graham, who quite frankly looks stuffed by this point.
14:15That's it.
14:16But before they could put a toe in the water, a siren blared across the length of the beach.
14:20A Bondi lifesaver had spotted a sunburnt tourist caught in a rip floating towards Graham.
14:26He could let a contestant be eaten alive, but not an unwilling tourist.
14:30Not on his watch.
14:31Wow.
14:32Not the Bondi.
14:33Not in Bondi.
14:35London turned to see a golden, shaggy-haired, unassuming lifeguard called Budai bolt down
14:41to the shore's edge.
14:42Ooh.
14:42As he ran past London in seeming slow motion, he mouthed the words,
14:47Welcome to the fuck zone.
14:48Yeah!
14:51London's bikini was immediately drenched and plumped out.
14:57Drenched.
14:58Oh.
14:58And plumped out.
14:59Yeah, that's right.
15:00With a vulva.
15:01That's right.
15:01My vulva's swollen.
15:02It's swollen.
15:03Swollen vulva.
15:04Just from Budai.
15:05Oh.
15:05With surfboard underarm, Budai paddled out straight towards Graham and said the powerful
15:11ancient words, Peace off your dog cunt.
15:15Graham understood and swam off into the horizon.
15:18Oh, wow.
15:19Budai then loaded the nearby struggling tourist onto his board, who was taken at the shore
15:23in a beach buggy by two younger cadet lifesavers to have basic checks done.
15:27We always put safety first, even in our stories.
15:29Oh, that's good.
15:30Budai, on the other hand, walked straight up to London, towering over her, but standing
15:34only two inches away, looked her in the eyes and said in a thick Australian drawl,
15:39Do you want me to save you from these losers?
15:42Oh.
15:43Yes.
15:43London, trying to maintain composure, replied, They're both astrophysicists.
15:47Can you even spell that?
15:49I can with my tongue.
15:50Oh!
15:51Whoa, whoa, whoa.
15:52This is the fuck zone.
15:54This is the fuck zone.
15:55Let's go.
15:55Budai does not fuck about.
15:56He scooped her up in his arms, his eyes piercing her soul, and silently carried her to the
16:02surf club garage.
16:04Garage?
16:05Yeah, it's hot.
16:06Babes.
16:06No, this is wet.
16:07See, I thought we were friends.
16:08But it's a small space like your vagina.
16:10It is.
16:11And you've been to the five-star hotels.
16:12This is different for you.
16:13Oh, okay.
16:14Continue.
16:14I'll see.
16:15You're just there.
16:15No, because you had me.
16:16I was here.
16:17I was in it.
16:17But you're just filming for the TV show.
16:19This doesn't have to be forever.
16:20Okay.
16:21Oh, yeah.
16:21That's true.
16:22It could just be for today.
16:23It's a quick smash.
16:24It could be smash and grab.
16:25It's Andy in the garage.
16:26Felicity, carry on because the Libya is drying up.
16:30He put her down at the door, then with his hands on both of her hips, walked her back
16:36against the lifesaver's boat inside.
16:38It's a boat?
16:39It's rubber.
16:40What's a lifesaver's boat?
16:40So it's called a rubber ducky, but it's like a rubber...
16:43He's fucking me in a rubber ducky, Felicity.
16:45No, no.
16:46It's just a rubber boat.
16:47Babes, I'm wearing a Gucci bikini.
16:50So?
16:51All right.
16:53My God.
16:53You've never had this kind of rough sex?
16:55You haven't had a public sex?
16:56If I'm wearing a Gucci bikini, I'm not going to want to be fucked in a rubber ducky.
16:59Why?
17:01Hear me.
17:01Look, to be fair, you're not lying down for some of this.
17:03Oh, okay.
17:04I'm standing up?
17:06Just wait.
17:07She drew breath as he pushed her into the inflatable rubber surface.
17:11You look like you're always the powerful one.
17:13Let me show you what it feels like to feel safe but helpless.
17:17I do like that.
17:18He tied her hands one at a time.
17:20She knows me.
17:20With the loose rope from the boat.
17:22See?
17:23This bitch knows me!
17:26I'm sorry for doubting you.
17:27Of course she's into light bondage.
17:29See, women that are in control all the time like to have the control taken away.
17:34It's the bondi bondage.
17:35Ah, she got me.
17:37Bondi bondage, exactly.
17:38Bondi bondage.
17:38Bondi bondage.
17:39It's buddhi with the bondi bondage.
17:40Big dick bondi bondage.
17:42She pretended to struggle but relented as he untied the side of her string bikini with one gentle pull.
17:49See, you're not going to get your bikini on the rubber ducky.
17:51It's off anyway.
17:52He untied it with one hand like just slowly.
17:53Just the string.
17:54And it just went boom and fell down.
17:56Yes.
17:57Continue.
17:58Her legs buckled underneath her as he slowly murmured the letters and made his way through the word A-S-T-R-O, finishing the word with perfect spelling.
18:14Budai stood up and said, if I untie you, do you promise to behave?
18:18With a wry smile spread across her face, London answered, absolutely not.
18:23Exactly.
18:24No, she won't.
18:25He loosened one hand, then the other, then threw her on top of the life jackets laying on the floor of the boat.
18:29He kissed her deep and hard, her designer kitten heels falling off her curled toes.
18:35She pushed him back and whispered, I want to catch this dick.
18:38He smirked, you don't have to catch this dick.
18:41I'm handing myself in.
18:42Let's go.
18:43Arms and legs and hands and tongues and mouths and sun cream journeyed across each other's opposite hemispheres until the land down under and the land of disappointment sat upright on top of each other,
18:54writhing together to make a climax that could only be described as an equator, hot and scented and close to Indonesia.
19:02As they fell into each other's exhausted and sated, a knock came from the garage door as Felicity's voice floated in.
19:09Now that you're all finished in here, can I have one of the leftover boys?
19:12Losers can't be choosers.
19:14To which London replied, go catch that dick, friend.
19:17Yay!
19:18Very nice.
19:19Thank you so much.
19:20Thank you for giving me good sex.
19:22Of course.
19:23I would never give you mediocre.
19:24I was worried when you said garage.
19:26I said, babe, don't really know my, what I like.
19:28Why wouldn't you trust me?
19:30Of course I know.
19:30I should have just trusted you from the beginning.
19:32Sorry for doubting you.
19:34I'm going to give you a hot life, guys.
19:35Yes.
19:35I'm going to get you tied up against a boat.
19:37Yes.
19:38I was stuck.
19:39And the bikini isn't going to get dirty.
19:40Oh, I love a little, oh, that actually, that happens to me.
19:45Take your time, right?
19:46Oh, yes.
19:47It's lovely stuff.
19:48And you know, it's spontaneous, London, because the journey to the five-star hotel, plus the
19:53check-in process.
19:54That's true.
19:55Exactly.
19:55There's no rope in a five-star hotel.
19:56I just, I do like a bit of romance.
19:58Yeah.
19:58We all love rope.
19:59But this is.
19:59But this is sex.
20:00This is sex.
20:01This is just animalistic.
20:03It's the fuck zone.
20:04All right.
20:05That was the song from Top Gun, wasn't it?
20:06It's the fuck zone.
20:07Welcome to the fuck zone.
20:12That's what it was.
20:13Yeah.
20:13Yeah.
20:13I loved it.
20:15You've had someone take your bikini off with one hair.
20:16Yes, I was.
20:18That's so hot.
20:19Woo.
20:19He, uh, woo.
20:20We had a barbecue.
20:21Smack in the fuck zone.
20:22We had a barbecue.
20:23And I was in a yellow bikini.
20:25And he wanted to go down on me.
20:27And so we, like, went into his bedroom.
20:30And he just, like, pulled.
20:31Jesus Christ.
20:32Pulled at my yellow bikini.
20:34It fell to the floor.
20:35He pushed me on his bed.
20:36Went down on me.
20:37Great.
20:37Great stuff.
20:37Amazing.
20:38Congratulations.
20:39Tied it back up.
20:40Went down and said, had some chicken.
20:42Did you not have sex as well?
20:43No.
20:44He just wanted to go down on me.
20:45Wow.
20:46I just.
20:46What?
20:47If they go down on you, you have to have sex with him?
20:49If you're in the suburb.
20:51No.
20:51Because sometimes I don't want to have sex with you.
20:52I just want to cum on your face.
20:54Yeah.
20:55Yeah.
20:55I'm just, I'm like what, I'm very when in Rome.
20:58Really?
20:59Yeah.
20:59So he's down there.
20:59You might as well.
21:00He's already down there.
21:01Right.
21:01Okay.
21:02I feel you.
21:03Sometimes I can't be bothered because I've already cum now.
21:04I can always be bothered.
21:06See, I'm like, I want some chicken.
21:08I would have had a bite before I'd gone.
21:10Oh, smart.
21:10Yeah, yeah.
21:11Lime in the stomach.
21:11This is why you're a mother.
21:12See?
21:12You think about it.
21:14It's a very mother thing to do.
21:15Make sure before you fuck you've had some chicken.
21:17Can I tell you one of the greatest things about Field is that many, many men are specifically
21:23looking for older women.
21:24Nice.
21:24Which is wonderful.
21:25Love that.
21:26And the amount that says looking for a milf, they always have the best snacks.
21:29And quite frankly, I think it's funny.
21:31We do have great snacks.
21:32Do you guys have the best snacks?
21:33Yeah.
21:33We have snacks all the time.
21:34Can one of you invite me to your houses so I can have some?
21:38You can come over to my house at any time.
21:40I will give you my case.
21:41I would like some snacks.
21:42Okay.
21:42I can't cook, so I would also like.
21:44Why would you?
21:45Yeah.
21:46You're getting eaten out at a barbecue.
21:47Exactly.
21:51London, are you ready to share your saucy tale?
21:52I'm really not.
21:53Saucy tale.
21:54Because it's better than mine.
21:55Definitely.
21:56I feel like you can write sex really well.
21:58Yeah, that was good.
21:59I found this quite a challenge.
22:00Well, let's see what you've got.
22:01I think this is the first time, London, that I've seen you not uber confident.
22:04Exactly.
22:06London, what's your story called?
22:07It's called The Seagull.
22:11Any significance thus far with The Seagull?
22:13No, I'm assuming it's just because I'm from a beach.
22:15Oh, yeah.
22:15Yeah, just that.
22:17The Seagull.
22:19It's a hot and sweaty and sexy day on Brighton Beach.
22:22We both started us on the beach.
22:24Yours, Australia, mine, Brighton.
22:25Yeah, yeah, yeah.
22:25London Hughes is sunbathing, being fabulous, looking very similar to both Beyonce and Rihanna
22:31and Megan Thee Stallion in her beach attire.
22:34Loud seagull squawks.
22:36London giggles.
22:37The Seagull is London Hughes' high school nickname because she has no gag reflex and has
22:42a penchant for swallowing men's battered sausages whole.
22:44I knew The Seagull would be explained.
22:46There you go.
22:47Was it really your nickname?
22:49Yeah, she is.
22:50Proud of you.
22:51I have no gag reflex.
22:52Nice.
22:53Straight down.
22:54Okay.
22:55Anyway, a skill she's perfected over the years.
22:59London's very moist.
23:01From the moisturiser, she has smothered all over her model-esque Kelly Rowland legs.
23:05Her sexy hand slides down her sexy thigh as she strokes her legs up and down in a sensual
23:11motion akin to the movements her hand makes when she gives some lucky guy surprise fellatio.
23:17So, Felicity, a drop-dead gorgeous but uniquely pale white woman who watches London.
23:23Uniquely pale?
23:23I mean, me and Catherine are both in the same room.
23:25Do you know what?
23:26Yeah.
23:27Yeah.
23:27Catherine, you're more pale than Felicity.
23:29But you've been in Australia.
23:31But I've been back for two months.
23:32Oh, wow.
23:33When I was out there, I was tanned.
23:34And then when I did Dancing with the Stars, I got fake tanned.
23:37I've never had it before.
23:38Amazing.
23:40Felicity.
23:41Felicity watches London cream herself in awe.
23:44She's mesmerised by every sensual stroke.
23:47All of a sudden, Felicity gasps a sexy gasp and clutches her heaving, gigantic knockers.
23:53They are big.
23:54They are big.
23:54And they're smaller than they used to be.
23:57Felicity's snow white skin starts to sizzle.
24:00It's true.
24:02She clutches her gigantic knockers in pain.
24:07Oh, no.
24:07They're the ones that are sizzling?
24:09Have I been sunbaking topless?
24:10I'll tell you why.
24:12It's the sound of sunburn.
24:14Yeah.
24:14Oh, no.
24:15Ah, there we go.
24:16Oh, for fuck's sake.
24:18She yells in her uniquely Australian accent.
24:21You all right over there, babes?
24:22London asked her, wondering why this sweaty Caucasian Australian stranger is yelling at herself.
24:27I forgot to bring sunscreen, Felicity replies.
24:30I'm a tourist visiting from Adelaide, and I didn't think the UK would be this hot.
24:34Now my beautiful giant tits are all sunburnt.
24:37Flaming galah shrimp on the barbie.
24:39That's a shame, London replied.
24:39Oh, you speak my language.
24:41Thank you so much.
24:41You know what?
24:42That's the only Australian I know.
24:43Really authentic.
24:44That's a shame, London replied.
24:46Your tits are indeed so bouncy.
24:48You're bouncing for me.
24:50There we go.
24:50It's very Baywatch.
24:51So bouncy and beautiful.
24:53I'm sad that they are all tender and sunburned-y now.
24:57Felicity gently strokes her tender sunburned-y tits.
25:00She's trying to seduce London.
25:02Oh, yeah, baby.
25:04There's no gram.
25:05There's no shark.
25:06No contestants.
25:07All the sex is happening right in here.
25:09Oh, yeah.
25:09The sexual tension between friends.
25:11Yeah.
25:11Literally.
25:12Finally.
25:13She tickles her areolas.
25:17Yeah, baby.
25:18Tickles them.
25:19That's what I imagined.
25:22I said, black people don't need sunscreen.
25:24All I have is this shea butter moisturiser, which is true.
25:27Smells great.
25:28That's what I have too.
25:29I have it in my moisturiser.
25:30I have a very dry skin.
25:31I love shea butter.
25:33Would you like me to rub some shea butter all over your big burnt tits?
25:38Felicity is in a dilemma.
25:39She knows how to flirt.
25:40Is it?
25:41Your big burnt tits?
25:43Your big burnt tits.
25:44Felicity is in a dilemma.
25:45On one hand, as a white woman in the sun, rubbing shea butter on her burnt tits will only make matters worse.
25:51She'll burn even harder.
25:52She may even peel, which is a thing that happens to you guys.
25:55It's crazy.
25:55But on the other hand, London Hughes was just so goddamn sexy.
25:59Sure, I'd love you to do that to me, Felicity replies nervously, her heart beating in her vagina.
26:04Whoa.
26:05Why don't you come over here and rub that butter in slowly all over my toasty tits?
26:10London grabs the shea butter and walks over to Felicity in sexy slow motion.
26:15What's your name, by the way, cute Caucasian stranger, London arts?
26:18Oh, we're strangers in this.
26:19Yeah.
26:20I love it.
26:21Felicity Ward.
26:22What's yours, Felicity Ward replies?
26:24Mine's London Hughes, but in most southern seaside towns, I'm known exclusively as the seagull.
26:31Because I swallow it whole.
26:32But your natural talent is sort of blocked in a same-sex relationship.
26:37Exactly.
26:38That's the thing.
26:39Is Felicity Kakao a different bird?
26:42Kakao.
26:43Like seagull is...
26:44How do you know?
26:45I grew up on a beach, mate.
26:47They got seagulls in Australia?
26:49I thought they were just in Britain.
26:50They're by every beach.
26:52I used to think they were called beach chickens.
26:55That's better.
26:56That's got a little squeal in it too.
26:58Yeah, it's really good.
26:59There we go.
26:59That had nuance.
27:00Thanks, babe.
27:01Layers.
27:02Yeah.
27:02Felicity is aroused again.
27:04Wow.
27:05If she's...
27:06Wow.
27:06It was the bird noise, not the no gavel.
27:08Wow.
27:10If I had a penis and knew what it felt like to get it sucked on by a woman, I'd be extremely
27:15turned on right now, Felicity says.
27:17Suddenly, London trips up over a bucket and spade lodged in the sand.
27:21A handsome stranger calls out to her, hey, London, that's not a bucket and spade.
27:26That's my rock hard dick you just tripped over.
27:28What kind of a man has a dick like a bucket?
27:31I feel like the bucket is the balls and the spade is the dick.
27:37London smiles to herself.
27:39It was definitely hard.
27:40She nearly stubbed her toe on it.
27:41It seems like she's making everyone at Brighton Beach come with her sexy Beyonce-like ways.
27:45I love it all.
27:47She's had to write a story about me and it's mostly just about how hot she is.
27:51Oh my God.
27:52Never change.
27:53She's making people come.
27:54London's almost made her way over to Felicity now.
27:57With every step she takes, Felicity's salivating at her drippy clunge.
28:00Drippy clunge?
28:02Yeah.
28:03Drippy clunge.
28:03You're a poet and you should write literature for women.
28:06Thanks.
28:06Honestly.
28:07Drippy clunge?
28:08Big hot tits.
28:10Big hot burnt tits.
28:11Big hot burnt tits.
28:12Drippy clunge.
28:13She can't wait to have London's fingers all over her crispy burnt titties.
28:17Crispy now.
28:18Because of the sun.
28:18Crisped up.
28:19Yeah, sure.
28:20Like Peking duck.
28:22I love Peking duck.
28:23Who doesn't?
28:24Oh.
28:24Suddenly, two beach balls appear out of nowhere, fly through the sky and hit London straight in
28:29the mouth.
28:30Wow, she gasps.
28:31Who just threw their balls in my mouth?
28:34London looks around to see another male.
28:44It's London's Brazilian ex-boyfriend, Ricardo from Chicago.
28:48He's topless and bottomless.
28:50His male areolas.
28:51His male areolas.
28:53Also, he's a male.
28:54Yeah.
28:55His male areolas bouncing in the sunshine.
28:57His dick the shape of the Isle of Wight.
29:00London only knows him by his penis, but she never forgets a penis.
29:04Ricardo from Chicago suggests going for a swim.
29:06Fancy a bit of skinny dipping, he asks?
29:08It's clear that he wants to get London soaking wet.
29:10She's apprehensive at first, but London can't resist the wetness.
29:13London grabs Ricardo's English county-shaped penis and they frolic into the sea.
29:18Felicity watches on.
29:20Like a leash.
29:21Literally.
29:21Come on.
29:21Like, come here.
29:22Come here, little dick.
29:23Is it true that you never forget a penis?
29:24I never forget a penis.
29:25Really?
29:26Yeah.
29:27I try to forget something.
29:28I won't remember your name or face.
29:32I'll remember your penis.
29:33You'd be a good witness.
29:34I would be.
29:34And cartographer.
29:37I love a good penis.
29:38Apparently.
29:40Felicity watches on.
29:41There was a mountain and then there was a small valley.
29:44Yeah, literally.
29:45Amazing.
29:45She's absolutely distraught.
29:47She calls out, wait, London, what about moistening my boobs with shea butter?
29:51But it's too late.
29:51London and Ricardo from Chicago are already fucking in the sea.
29:55Wow.
29:55Making Felicity's giant tits sizzle with anger.
29:58Upset that she may have missed her chance for some over-the-shoulder areola, Felicity
30:03watches on as Ricardo from Chicago and London make underwater love like sexy, horny,
30:08porny, merpeople.
30:10Felicity's egg white coloured vag.
30:12I just assumed it was egg white.
30:13It might not be egg white.
30:14It's not.
30:15I don't know what colour your vag would be.
30:16Mine's a different colour to my face.
30:18Yeah.
30:19Yeah.
30:19You assumed white women have egg white, like white?
30:22Egg white.
30:23Cooked or uncooked?
30:24Off white.
30:25In the shell.
30:26You've never seen a white woman's vagina?
30:28Of course I haven't.
30:29Yeah.
30:30You haven't seen a picture?
30:31Why would I look it up?
30:31What about all this milf form?
30:33I mean, milf form, I guess, but like.
30:35But they also die a lot.
30:37I'm not really looking at the vagina part.
30:39But yeah, I've just looked at the more, what colour is it?
30:41It's darker.
30:42Mine's more purpley.
30:43It's pink.
30:44Oh, yours is pink?
30:44Yeah.
30:45Okay.
30:45Is that when I was pregnant, mine turned blue?
30:46Really?
30:47My nipples went dark brown when I was pregnant.
30:50My nipples are dark brown.
30:51That's right.
30:51I've seen them.
30:52What colour are your nipples?
30:53Pink.
30:53Almost the colour of my skin.
30:54I have what's called faders.
30:56Like they're very light pink.
30:57I would love to see them.
30:58I'll show them to you.
30:59Do they change when they get hard?
31:01Do they become more defined?
31:02Yes.
31:02A little bit darker and smaller.
31:02Yes.
31:03I have really big like areolas.
31:06Nice.
31:06My nipples are beautiful.
31:07I've got a bagel called burger nips.
31:09Burger nips.
31:10Seagull burger nips.
31:11Seagull burger nips.
31:11Seagull burger nips.
31:11All beach themed.
31:13Literally.
31:13Where am I?
31:14Okay.
31:15You're having sea sex.
31:17Felicity's salmon coloured vag.
31:19Yeah.
31:19Sure.
31:20Pulsates with jealousy.
31:21Not great but yeah.
31:22She wants to put a stop to the sexcapade.
31:24She marches into the sea but then stops as right in front of her she spots a giant shark.
31:28She panics and her vagina goes dry with fear.
31:31Shark!
31:32She screams as loud as she can.
31:34Look out there's a shark in the water.
31:36But London and Ricardo from Chicago didn't hear her.
31:38They were too busy underwater sexing.
31:41Please stop having sex in the sea.
31:42There's a massive shark approaching.
31:44She calls out but the two salty lovers couldn't hear her.
31:47Ecstasy and the sounds of their frobbing undercarriages were the only things London and Ricardo were listening to.
31:53Felicity watches as Ricardo finally finishes sea sex with London.
31:57He orgasms hard spraying his baby gravy all over the deep blue sea.
32:02Oi.
32:03Oi.
32:03Baby gravy.
32:05I found my gag reflex.
32:09He seems pretty pleased with himself.
32:12London just seems okay.
32:13Ricardo goes to high five London after a girl's death.
32:17Great round of ocean sex.
32:19When all of a sudden the shark appears and swallows him whole.
32:22Just like London had done to his dick previously.
32:25She's the seagull after all.
32:26Sorry.
32:27Better.
32:29London is in shock.
32:30She swims away as a shark violently munches Ricardo's post-coital body.
32:34God.
32:34She stares at Felicity in horror.
32:36Told you there was a shark.
32:37Can you cream my tits now?
32:39Felicity replies.
32:40The end.
32:41Oh.
32:43Very good.
32:44We didn't get to.
32:45I didn't get to cream your tits.
32:46I feel like it's implied.
32:48Yeah.
32:48I feel like it's a post-script.
32:49I feel like I would have done it afterwards.
32:52I think especially because the sex was meh.
32:54Yeah.
32:54I love how in your own fantasy the sex is meh.
32:57Meh.
32:57Like men are still not performing.
33:00No.
33:00Underperforming.
33:01Even in your most ideal circumstances.
33:03No.
33:04This is a bit meh.
33:05It's okay for him.
33:07Although these sharks are getting fed today.
33:09Yeah.
33:10We both.
33:10Three men.
33:11Yeah.
33:12It's actually a pro-animal message.
33:14Yeah.
33:15It's about endangered species.
33:16Felicity, what did you think?
33:17I really loved it.
33:18What I loved was how anatomically incorrect it was at so many different points.
33:24Why?
33:25Which bit?
33:25I just, you know, talking about vulva and I don't think men have areola or do they?
33:32They do.
33:33They do?
33:33Every mammal.
33:34Oh, no.
33:34It was, you said the areola were bouncing.
33:38I feel like his pecs would have bounced.
33:41The areola do bounce.
33:42I wanted the areola to bounce.
33:43Yeah.
33:43I don't know.
33:44I just, I loved some of the very rudimentary descriptions.
33:48Like what?
33:49Drippy clunge?
33:50Drippy clunge.
33:51Drippy clunge.
33:52Like rather than being enticed with words, it was, you know, just, it was like sometimes
33:57when your kids are next to you in bed and then they get up, they'll accidentally, but
34:02every time, put their elbow into your tit.
34:05Right.
34:05And it's a pain that you cannot describe.
34:07Right.
34:08That is how I would describe some of your language.
34:10Look at that.
34:11Yeah.
34:11So a good thing.
34:12Yes.
34:13Yeah.
34:13Yeah, absolutely.
34:14I'll take that as a compliment.
34:19I loved so much about both stories.
34:21I loved that they included a beach setting.
34:24I liked the balls, of course.
34:26Of course.
34:26I liked the sharks were getting fed.
34:28Dick left and right.
34:30Dick left and right.
34:31We were boys.
34:32Both stories had London in a string bikini.
34:34Yes.
34:35And Felicity in different.
34:36Both stories featured London.
34:38That's important.
34:39I got fucked in both stories.
34:40Yeah, yeah, yeah.
34:42I was feeling beachy.
34:44I was feeling hot.
34:46But there can only be one winner.
34:47Oh, no.
34:48Who's the pen going to go to?
34:49Can I see the pen before?
34:52Okay, I'll show it to you.
34:53Let me see.
34:54It's a nice pen.
34:56The winner of the Write Me Dirty pen and the story that will receive place of privilege
35:00in my Write Me Dirty library is...
35:03The Lunder Down Under.
35:09Felicity Ward.
35:10Oh, my God.
35:10Oh, my God.
35:11Oh, my God.
35:12A worthy winner.
35:13I thought you were going to say London Hughes.
35:16Worthy winner.
35:16Well, and that is because both stories were very good.
35:20But I think that I was very drawn to not only the alliteration off the top.
35:25Yes.
35:25That was hot.
35:26I think it shows that you're on field and that this is sexting is a real strength of
35:31yours.
35:32No, I was really there.
35:34She's really descriptive.
35:35I felt like I was there.
35:36Felicity, how do you feel about your big win?
35:38Look, this is emotional.
35:39It's actually hard for me to talk about because it's such a big deal.
35:42Well, I'd like to thank all the people that I've had sex with for inspiring this story.
35:48And me as well.
35:49I'd like to thank London for being a muse and such an easy, inspiring muse.
35:56Like, you saw how I captured you in there.
35:58Perfectly.
35:59Everything that you are is in that story.
36:02100%.
36:02So thank you for having me and giving me the platform to express myself in this way,
36:09which I think is untapped, quite frankly.
36:11I like it.
36:12I want you to do more of this.
36:13I feel like I'm going to do a romance novel next.
36:15Thank you so much to my guests, London Hughes and Felicity Ward.
36:20Thank you, Catherine Ryan.
36:21Well done, girls.
36:24Listening to Felicity's story made me burn with pure heat.
36:27The moment that Felicity in London left, the winning book went to print and I popped it
36:32on my rigid shelf.
36:34And for those at home, if this has inspired you to write your own dirty story, I'll leave
36:38you with this swollen tip.
36:45If you're at the beach while writing your dirty story, why not let your inhibitions go
36:50and join the nudists?
36:51The freedom will help your storytelling just as long as you don't get overexcited and let
36:56your creative juices leak on your beach towel.
36:59That's all from me.
37:00Until next time, when two more guests will write me dirty.
37:26It was a long blow.
37:28It was a long blow.
37:31Writing day.
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