- 3 minutes ago
Harris pumps a counterfeiter for his life story. A man takes exception to a cosmetic surgeon's work on his wife.
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00:06How's it go, Roger?
00:09Not well, huh?
00:11Barney's files are totally screwed up.
00:14Okay, what's the problem?
00:17The file on prostitution.
00:19Yeah?
00:19It's empty.
00:21It's impossible.
00:23Nick had them filed according to specialty.
00:27C for call girls.
00:28S for street walkers.
00:31M for massagers.
00:33And, uh, T for...
00:38Uh, tarts.
00:42Trollops.
00:44Twins.
00:48Unscrewed up a little scamp.
00:51Uh, Barney?
00:54Some more bogus notes here.
00:56Same high quality as the others.
00:58Any purchases we can check them against?
01:00Cameras, stereo, nothing?
01:01Nope.
01:02Just staples.
01:03Loaf of bread, dozen eggs.
01:05I don't understand it.
01:06That would take an awful lot of purchases to produce enough change to make an operation like this worthwhile.
01:11I got a theory, Barney.
01:13Maybe we're dealing with somebody who's just plain stupid.
01:19Well, Barney, I mean, it's just a theory.
01:21I didn't...
01:23Excuse me here, Sergeant.
01:24Uh, I looked through all those pictures.
01:26And the guy that passed me that funny money, he ain't in there.
01:31Okay.
01:31Uh, thank you, Mr. Becker.
01:33Oh, uh, Mr. Becker, this is Captain Miller.
01:36Mr. Becker.
01:37Pleased to meet you, Captain.
01:38Mr. Becker.
01:39Uh, I, uh, got a description, Barney, and it's in circulation now, so, uh...
01:44Fine.
01:44Uh, thank you, Mr. Becker.
01:45We appreciate your cooperation.
01:47Uh, only wish there were more citizens like you.
01:53Oh, hey, uh, by the way, uh, where do I get my money?
01:58I beg your pardon?
01:59Well, you know, the, uh, the reimbursement for that, uh, fake stuff I brought in.
02:04I'm afraid there is no reimbursement, Mr. Becker.
02:08Didn't Sergeant Harris explain the implications of your cooperation?
02:14I save it till last, Barney.
02:17That's a bad habit I got.
02:20Uh, Barney, there's a disturbance over at, uh, Medical Arts Center on 14th.
02:25I'll take it.
02:26Those files will still be here when you get back.
02:29Okay.
02:30Take a uniform.
02:31All right.
02:32Now, let me get this thing straight.
02:35If I had kept this money and then passed it off to some other jerk,
02:41then I wouldn't be out anything.
02:43Right.
02:45But, if I do my duty like a good citizen to report it, turn the money in,
02:51then I'm out 36 bucks?
02:55Right.
02:57Oh.
03:00Now, I got it.
03:05You know, they never tell you about these little things in the civics class.
03:11I'm sorry.
03:12All they ever tell you is you should vote in every election,
03:15and that everybody is entitled to a little justice.
03:18There is no justice in or out of court.
03:22Clarence Darrow.
03:26But, holding the law is everybody's business.
03:30Dick Tracy, Crimestoppers textbook.
03:31zost lauwethe textbook.
03:32Tomorrow.前人生
03:45a
03:59each every
04:01Oh, my God.
04:44Did you talk to the Treasury Department yet?
04:46Uh, yeah.
04:47Any mention of assistance in the counterfeit case?
04:51In a lackluster sort of way.
04:53They said they'll shake an agent loose as soon as they can.
04:56Wonderful. By that time, we can solve it ourselves.
04:59I kind of believe that's what they're counting on.
05:03Ta-da! Surprise!
05:06That's who?
05:08Inspector.
05:09Yeah!
05:12Good to see you.
05:14Say, Harry.
05:15Welcome back.
05:17Well, it's good to be back in harness again, you know?
05:21I want to thank all of you.
05:23I want to thank all of you from the bottom of...
05:25That was slightly defective little old ticker of mine, huh?
05:30I was never expected to see you with...
05:31What, the pull-through?
05:32No!
05:34I'll be up and around so soon.
05:36Oh, well...
05:37I do.
05:39Just my familiarity with modern post-cardiac care.
05:42They want to get you out and exercise your weak heart muscles.
05:45D-D-D-Tray.
05:49D-D-D-Tray.
05:50After all, it is my heart condition.
05:52I'm sorry.
05:53I didn't mean to steal your thunder.
05:56Get it deep, deep, deep.
05:58See you in the office or a minute, Barney?
05:59Sure.
06:02Wise guy know it all.
06:07What about yours?
06:08I don't want to...
06:09I want to see this butcher locked up.
06:10Butcher!
06:10Who are you calling a butcher?
06:11Look, I'm a doctor.
06:12Oh, you got two jobs now, huh?
06:13Big deal.
06:14Put a lid on it.
06:15That goes for me, too.
06:17Best to be consistent in these matters.
06:20Here we go, would you?
06:21Well, this is Robert Lavelle.
06:24And this is Dr. René Boudreau.
06:26Dr. Boudreau?
06:27What was the problem?
06:28This hack mutilated my wife.
06:30So I improved your wife.
06:31Okay, okay.
06:33Improved?
06:33Yeah, uh, Dr. Boudreau's a plastic surgeon.
06:36So he worked on Mr. Lavelle's wife.
06:39Looks like he worked on her with a jackhammer.
06:42Mr. Lavelle went down there and took a punch at him.
06:44By the time we got there, they were rolling around the waiting room.
06:47And he broke one of my early American lamps.
06:48Ah, he's nothing but a big bruiser.
06:50My, my, aren't we savage?
06:52All right, all right, all right.
06:54I warned you, we want to take care of Mr. Lavelle.
06:57And Dr. Boudreau, uh, Sergeant Dietrich will take your statement.
07:01We're here, Bar.
07:04Okay, Lavelle.
07:05Come on, let's go.
07:09Will there be anything else, sir?
07:10No, uh, Lavelle, uh, that'll be all.
07:14Uh, sir.
07:15I just...
07:16Oh, uh, Bonnie.
07:19You understand.
07:20Yes, sir.
07:22Priorities.
07:28Detectives dump on the uniforms, captains dump on the detectives, and the commissioner dumps on everybody.
07:37You know that balance of nature stuff?
07:40It stinks.
07:44I tell you, Bonnie.
07:46You get hit with something like this, you know, it makes you stop for a minute.
07:50It makes you step back and take a long, hard look at this crazy quilt we call life.
07:58Yeah, that's true.
08:01Pardon me, Bonnie?
08:02I said, yes, that's right, that's true.
08:04I guess, uh, sooner or later we all contemplate our mortality.
08:11Well put, Bonnie.
08:13That's just what Agonis says.
08:15Who?
08:17Agonis.
08:18My, my lady friend.
08:19Oh, right, yes, Agonis, right.
08:22Well, she doesn't use a fancy language like you do.
08:25She, uh, how did she put it?
08:27She says, uh, life is like a merry-go-round.
08:32Sometimes we get on, nice, smooth ride.
08:35And sometimes motor goes out of control, get thrown off your pony, right onto your keister.
08:44Agonis said that.
08:48That's why I want to talk to you about it, Bonnie.
08:52Okay, what's your occupation?
08:54I run my own import business.
08:58I thought I was in Korea buying baskets.
09:01And this joker carved up my wife.
09:03Hey, your wife didn't consent to it, right?
09:06Oh, she signed a paper, that's what you mean.
09:08That's what I mean.
09:09That woman will sign anything.
09:10Petitions to ban the bomb, stop pollution, save the baby seals.
09:16It's depraved, isn't it?
09:19Real sick.
09:20Yeah.
09:22On the other hand, Bonnie, nice chicken and cooked a little.
09:26She don't make a whole lot of noise when she eats.
09:30She's got some other good qualities, too.
09:33Yeah, I'm sure she does.
09:36Well, why?
09:38Well, Inspector?
09:40Well, there's the evidence.
09:41What's your verdict?
09:43What do you think?
09:44About what?
09:47About me and Agonis getting engaged.
09:53Inspector, it's not my place or anyone else's for that matter to make that kind of decision.
09:58Well, you must have an opinion, for heaven's sakes.
10:01My opinion, if any, doesn't matter.
10:04That's your opinion.
10:05Yes.
10:10Bonnie, there you go.
10:12There you go, straddling on the fence again, huh?
10:15Agonis getting wishy-washy.
10:17You just won't come out and commit yourself.
10:19Inspector, this is not my commitment to make.
10:22Yes.
10:23Bonnie?
10:25Inspector, you all right?
10:27Hmm?
10:27Oh, no.
10:28I'm just fine.
10:30Just fine.
10:31Honest.
10:31Really, really.
10:32Must have been some of that sour yogurt coming back up again.
10:38Bonnie, there were some bad bills passed out on Lexington over at Alondra.
10:43The owner says he knows who gave them to him.
10:45All right.
10:46Check it out.
10:47Take a uniform.
10:48Yeah.
10:50Inspector, can I get you anything?
10:52Some water?
10:53Something?
10:53No.
10:54No.
10:54I'm fine.
10:55Fine.
10:56All right.
10:56Thanks.
10:56Really.
10:57Really, Harry.
10:59Very lucky man.
11:01I used to have my good health, my good friends.
11:06Thank God I still got my good friends.
11:21Uh, I got the, uh, quarterly inventories here.
11:26Where do you want me to put them?
11:27Keeping in mind my rank, as you answer.
11:31I'll pick them right here.
11:33Seen Luger around?
11:34Yeah, he said he was going out to lunch.
11:36Oh, good.
11:37Uh, he thanked me for being his friend.
11:43Then there was, uh, Ralph Menninger, the human cannonball.
11:47Oh, wow.
11:48I tell you, he was my piece de resistance.
11:51Look, I had to totally reconstruct his face, you know?
11:55Borrowing from various parts of his body.
11:57Huh.
11:57Uh, a piece of skin here, a chip of bone there.
12:00That's fascinating.
12:02Did you ever hear the, uh, song?
12:05Put on a happy face.
12:09I don't want to discuss it anymore.
12:13And my process, Mr. Lavelle and Dr. Boudreau, they still want to sign complaints against each other.
12:19All right, put them in a cage.
12:21Come on, Doc.
12:28Can I help you, Doctor?
12:30Oh, no, no.
12:33Just professional curiosity.
12:36Get in a cage.
12:41In here, ma'am.
12:42You better watch your step with those glasses on.
12:44Thank you very much.
12:47Lisa!
12:48Robert!
12:50What are you doing in jail?
12:52With my doctor?
12:54Hello, Lisa.
12:55Hello.
12:55I'm Captain Miller.
12:57Yes.
12:58What?
12:58What's this all about?
13:00Why are Robert and Renee in that cell?
13:02Renee?
13:03Uh, they're both being held on assault charges.
13:07What is going on here, Robert?
13:10Lisa.
13:13There's no need to air our dirty linen in public, Lisa.
13:16But you're in jail.
13:18I know I'm in jail.
13:20We'll talk about it when we get home.
13:21Oh, I do not believe this.
13:24I do not believe this.
13:25Lisa, I think you should know the truth.
13:27He came to my office to beat me up.
13:30Robert, is that true?
13:32Yes, it's true.
13:34What am I supposed to do?
13:35Stand idly by while some perverted surgeon talks you into mutilating yourself?
13:39You implying I'm perverted?
13:40God knows what you've done to yourself.
13:43Oh, God.
13:44Can I just see my husband alone?
13:46Oh, don't look at me, please.
13:49Dietrich?
13:55Anything else, sir?
13:57Uh, no, Leva, that'll be it.
13:59Sir, okay.
14:01In here, Walt.
14:02Thank you very much, Sergeant.
14:04You're very welcome.
14:06Well, hello there, young man.
14:10Hi there, old person.
14:18Oh, uh, Barney, I'd like you to meet Walter Hathaway.
14:21Walt, Captain Miller.
14:23How do you do, Captain?
14:24Mr. Hathaway?
14:25Now, please, call me Walt.
14:27He insists.
14:29And, uh, Walt is, uh...
14:32Our counterfeiter.
14:34Our counterfeit?
14:37Oh, that's a nasty word, counterfeiter.
14:40But I suppose there are some even more reprehensible.
14:45Yeah, I suppose.
14:47Uh, Barney?
14:48This was, uh, in Mr. Hathaway's room when we went in.
14:51And, um, these are the plates for the one dollar bills.
14:55Look almost perfect to me.
14:57Well, thank you very much.
14:59Uh, however, it was extremely suspicious when he tried to pass one of these fives.
15:06Oh, I'm so embarrassed.
15:10That's pretty good to me.
15:13Uh, check Abe's jacket.
15:16Yeah.
15:17It's kind of strange.
15:19It's like a...
15:20Pleasure suit?
15:23Well, you see, I'm afraid my eyes aren't just what they used to be.
15:29I mean, not like they were when I did the dollar plates.
15:32And, uh, when was that, Mr., uh, Walt?
15:38Oh, no, no, let me see.
15:40I believe it was, um, 19...
15:451963.
15:4863?
15:50You mean to tell me you've been, you've been printing your own money for 16 years?
15:54As I've needed it.
15:56Only as I've needed it.
16:01Here you go, Harris.
16:03Uh, Walt, you want to take a seat over here, please?
16:05Oh, sure.
16:06I'd be glad to.
16:07Oh, get malvaged in the morning.
16:24I didn't know what I said to date.
16:28Gentlemen, you will excuse me.
16:32Now, let's see, where was I?
16:34Oh, yes.
16:36It was during the Second War that I started my training in engraving,
16:41making the metal plates of a military squirt.
16:45Fascinating.
16:45I mean, simply fascinating.
16:48You know, Walt,
16:49you are one of the most interesting, colorful, informative people I have ever met.
16:55Well, thank you very much.
17:00My most unforgettable character.
17:03What?
17:05Reader's Digest.
17:12Inspector.
17:13Call me Frank.
17:18Come on, be honest with me.
17:20It's possible you had a few drinks for lunch?
17:23Bonnie.
17:25I'm on duty.
17:27Yeah, just take it, Inspector.
17:30Yeah.
17:32You know,
17:34maybe, maybe it was these pills
17:37that were making me a little
17:38cottony pill.
17:42White pills and green.
17:46White pills.
17:50I don't know,
17:52but these look like tranquilizers.
17:54Well,
17:56I'm tranquil.
17:59Sure are.
18:02Pretty full.
18:05I think maybe I took them too close together, Warren.
18:11Larnie?
18:14I don't know if I want to marry Agonis.
18:20I know, Inspector.
18:22It's not the marrying part, Barney.
18:26It's the Agonis part.
18:32Maybe you just need some more time.
18:34No.
18:35No, no, it ain't hurt either, Barney.
18:37It's me.
18:39I gotta be careful now,
18:41you know,
18:42the old Tom, Tom, Tom.
18:45And I,
18:46I don't know if I,
18:48if I can make the honeymoon one.
18:53Barney,
18:54you can lead a horse to water,
18:56but you're not gonna get a top stud fee
19:01if he's got a defective
19:04part.
19:07Uh, Sergeant,
19:13when am I gonna get out of here?
19:15It's up to you and Mr. Lavelle.
19:17You can drop the charges against each other
19:18and get out of here.
19:20Or else we better start making arrangements for bail.
19:24Ah, if he
19:25pays for the broken lamp,
19:27I'll,
19:28I'll forget it.
19:30That's fair, isn't it?
19:32Fair and fair and
19:34twice so fair.
19:36As fair as any may be.
19:39Hey, that's, uh...
19:41That's a quote.
19:41Right.
19:42Yeah.
19:44This is my busy time.
19:46I didn't need that kind of aggravation.
19:48Robert,
19:50ever since you started your own business,
19:53you come home tired
19:55every night.
19:56Lisa, that's what it takes.
19:59It's gotta be me.
20:01I mean,
20:01maybe if I could just be
20:03a little bit prettier,
20:05a little bit more alluring.
20:08Maybe it could change something.
20:18Lisa,
20:22I'm not worth that kind of sacrifice.
20:25Robert.
20:27Robert,
20:28you're,
20:28you're worth any value
20:30I could ever put on you.
20:36Hey, kid,
20:36that was beautiful.
20:42Oh, that is marvelous.
20:46Barney?
20:47Shh, shh, shh.
20:48He's asleep.
20:49Oh, the inspector?
20:50Yeah.
20:50Oh, yeah, that's right.
20:51He's, uh,
20:52just had his two o'clock feeding, huh?
20:55We're in a good mood.
20:57It's Walt.
20:58You know,
20:58Mr. Hathaway?
20:59Uh-huh.
21:01What an absolutely
21:02mind-blowing guy he is, Barney.
21:04Really?
21:05I mean,
21:05he has led
21:06an utterly fascinating life.
21:09Has he had any
21:10prior jail experiences?
21:14Barney,
21:15does he have to go through all...
21:17Yes, he has to.
21:20Just ask him.
21:23Captain,
21:24uh, Dr. Boudreau and Lavelle
21:26have decided to drop charges.
21:27Oh, finally.
21:28I gave him your old
21:29here are your options routine.
21:30Oh, really?
21:32Feel free to use it anytime.
21:35All right, Doc.
21:36Oh, well.
21:37Thank God.
21:39I've got a,
21:40a lift at three
21:41and a tuck at four.
21:43Busy hands are happy hands.
21:46Yeah.
21:47Uh, Lavelle?
21:49I'll send you a bill
21:50for the broken lamp, okay?
21:53If it's fair,
21:54I'll pay it.
21:56Oh, forget it.
21:58I'll just
21:59tack it onto her nose.
22:03That's funny.
22:05I've never heard it
22:06that way before.
22:07Tack it onto her nose.
22:10That's a great line.
22:12Don't do it, sir.
22:21Barney,
22:22I'm gonna
22:23take Walt down now
22:24for pictures and prints.
22:26All right.
22:27Now,
22:27don't worry about it.
22:29I'll be all right.
22:30You see,
22:31I found I couldn't live
22:32on a small disability pension
22:34from the Army,
22:35so those just helped out.
22:38Well,
22:39now,
22:40I don't have to worry
22:41about it.
22:44That's true,
22:44isn't it?
22:46Good luck to you,
22:47Mr. Hathaway.
22:47Thank you, Captain.
22:48You, uh,
22:49all set, Walt?
22:51Ready when you are, Ron.
23:00You two can go now.
23:04Anytime you want.
23:08Take your time.
23:13Shall we go home, Lisa?
23:15Yeah, let's.
23:17Let's.
23:18Let's.
23:24What the hell?
23:25Let's go out
23:26and have some lunch first.
23:28I don't care.
23:33Captain?
23:34Uh, well?
23:36Thank you very much,
23:38really.
23:38Quite all right.
23:39Yeah, thank you
23:40for letting me cool off.
23:41It's our job.
23:43Yeah?
23:44Bye.
23:44Bye now.
23:45Yeah.
23:52It's only skin deep, right?
23:58That's the way
23:58you guys want to be?
24:09I decided
24:10to talk
24:11to Agamas.
24:14That's a wise
24:15decision, Inspector.
24:16Certainly a direct
24:17and honest encounter
24:19is the healthiest
24:20of all possible actions.
24:22Yes.
24:23I told her
24:24to meet us here
24:25at six o'clock.
24:45more.
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