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Short filmTranscript
00:00THE END
00:15Morning is love desperate to find you.
00:19Morning is love without a home.
00:22Morning is love showing you our unbreakable bond.
00:28Morning is love.
00:31Clinging to the hope one day we will see each other again.
00:36I'm glad to you, young man.
00:38It's alright. It's alright.
00:40I've decided on an open casket.
00:42So that we can all celebrate his life together one last time.
00:48Why, Nibba?
00:49You were taken too soon, lad.
00:53Rest easy, little fella.
00:58When I needed a hand, I found your port.
01:27Oh my god, is she pregnant?
01:29With him?
01:30Is it the posh lads?
01:31Oh my god, is she pregnant?
01:31I didn't know we had a dinner.
01:34It is, dirty bastard.
01:37No way.
01:40Fuck off.
01:41Well done for not being preggers out, you two.
01:44We've been together like four weeks, that's a record for our dear that.
01:46Amy, stop embarrassing yourself. This is painful to watch.
01:50What are you on about, you gimp?
01:51You're getting with this posh mupper just to get close to me.
01:55Look, I know it's a difficult time with the anniversary of our kiss approaching with your drab.
01:59You're obsessed with this kiss, Rhys.
02:01I'm the best kiss you've ever had, aren't I?
02:03Oh, it's okay to admit it.
02:04Nah, she had a bad kiss.
02:05My father, you get off with my kiss though.
02:07I was thinking I'm out salad though.
02:08He's not even signed a new contract though.
02:10Oh, I must say that.
02:13I've got a kid at 16 now boys, with a slight error of uncertainty if it's mine or not.
02:17Told you I'm turning into a fully fledged Scouser.
02:19Lad, you will never be a Scouser. You own a pair of wellies.
02:23My nan got me them for Christmas.
02:25Your what?
02:26Your nan.
02:26Lads, tomorrow night, don't forget, my dad's picking us up at 6.40 and in karaoke.
02:31What's that, lad?
02:32You know, 16 years of being absent could all be forgotten if he nails a rendition of Hey Jude's.
02:37Shut up.
02:39You sighing?
02:40Sorry, I just find it insensitive you talking about your alive dad when you know mine's dead.
02:44Oh, selfish.
02:45You know, I feel like you've been very insensitive lately.
02:49You know, you're even thinking about your poor Mara who's probably going through a whirlwind of emotions right now.
02:52She is.
02:53Cos I am.
02:54What?
02:54I reckon this year is the year I finally bury me face in an arse.
02:59No, listen.
03:00If I had the choice of eating chicken dippers out of her arse, and while I'm in there, I'd get
03:04hurt by her bus like Divock did.
03:06Nah, that's right.
03:06I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
03:08I'd take it.
03:09What a last meal.
03:10What a way to go.
03:12Too soon, lad.
03:13What?
03:13You're a little minion.
03:15What do you mean?
03:17So, boys, how's the buddy up scheme going?
03:20I'm a changed man, sir.
03:22A stroke of genius from you to pair me with this inspirational guiding light.
03:27Can I ask though, sir, you didn't put us together because we're both gay, did you?
03:31Are you?
03:32I just thought you both had views that were perhaps more on the liberal side.
03:36So, when you've heard that Nigerian lads, it looks about 40, but the Senegalese lads, it looks about 50.
03:41That was random, was it?
03:43Oh, completely random.
03:44They are thriving.
03:45Can't argue with results.
03:50What about these, Tim?
03:52I think you'll find her hair colour is orchid purple, and hers is heliotrope purple.
03:57And they're both hardcore vegans.
03:59Well, it's not for me to cast aspersions on the dietary requirements of other people.
04:03Why are them two together?
04:06Actually, they're both short.
04:08Hard to tell when you're sitting.
04:10Sir, I don't care if you put us together because we're both gay.
04:13I've learned so much from them already.
04:16I'm lucky that in a world where gay men still face the threat of persecution,
04:21I have a mentor like Ted Price, who makes me feel safe, secure and free to be who I am.
04:30That's lovely, mate.
04:31Yes.
04:32And just to clarify 100%, I had no idea you were both gay.
04:37Oh.
04:38Close the door no way else.
04:40I despise your face with a passion.
04:42Lads, don't talk to me for the next five weeks until this bloody scheme is over.
04:46Are you sure you'll make five more weeks, Grandad?
04:48I'm a year older than you, so watch your mouth, Mr Wampu.
04:51Why? What are you gonna do?
04:53Bore me to death with tales of our life was bad for us in the 50s,
04:56because we got thrown in jail for bumming.
04:58It's hard to take you seriously considering your voice hasn't even been out yet.
05:06Yeah.
05:06Do you like Jodie? Is decent?
05:08He's just nipped down the shop for me.
05:10Oh.
05:10OK.
05:12Do you not want to come inside and wait for him?
05:14Er...
05:14Yeah.
05:15Yeah, all right.
05:21Is that a new car?
05:23Er...
05:24Yeah, it is.
05:25Suit ya?
05:27Thanks.
05:28Do you want something to him?
05:29Do you want me something?
05:30Yeah, go ahead, chance.
05:32I was thinking, er...
05:34Wedges and...
05:39Chicken dippers?
05:40Yep.
05:42Yep.
05:43How do you like your dippers, Con?
05:45I don't mind.
05:45Do you want them in the oven?
05:47On the grill?
05:48Whatever.
05:50If they're not on my arse, then.
05:53What? No.
05:54He tells me everything you play.
05:58Oh, look, it's all right. Don't worry about it. I know what lads are like.
06:01You're just panting anyway, innit?
06:02Come to think of it, I've had a bit of a rough day, so...
06:07I'd be up for a bit of fun.
06:10If you are.
06:14What do you mean you can't play it starting in a minute?
06:21Don't worry.
06:22I put a shout out on Discord to get you a new partner.
06:24Oh, is this your son of me now? Is it Hellfire?
06:27He's better than you, to be honest.
06:28No, some random calls.
06:31Your nan's butt plug.
06:32Oh, he's joining me in the chat now.
06:33OK, bye.
06:35Is this your nan's butt plug?
06:37Hello?
06:39I can be your hero, baby.
06:43What an absolute bell-end, baby.
06:47Growl?
06:48Round one.
06:52Aw, lads!
06:54What have I told you about leaving your webs on top of mine?
06:56How you need to find your brand?
06:59You're all gonna have to know when you're driving through them.
07:07You're all gonna have to know when you're driving through it.
07:07And you're the man who harried.
07:09I'm just trying to get it, please.
07:13What the fuck?
07:17Better?
07:19No.
07:22It can't be.
07:24No.
07:25It can't be.
07:28Are you sure you'll be able to get it back out?
07:34Mum!
07:37Cut!
07:43That's what you get for grass and a mum!
07:45That was a warning. Next time, I'm in there for real.
07:50Winner!
07:51Get in!
07:53Hey, I'm sorry I had to go with you about your name.
07:56It's a bit of a sore subject, you see,
07:58cos me nan actually showed me a buttplug collection once when I went round.
08:02Traumatising.
08:03Especially as each one came with a practical demonstration.
08:06Hang on.
08:07Do we have to sing now?
08:09Are we relative?
08:15I thought the interview would be in person, but Zoom's fine.
08:18I'm really looking forward to it.
08:20See you then.
08:22Hey, what are you looking forward to, Gail?
08:24You got a fella on the go?
08:26Er, yeah.
08:27Ooh!
08:27Yeah, I've got a little taste, been on the old Tinder and that.
08:33Mustard boy!
08:34Oh, stop adding boy to the end of everything, cos you think it makes it an insult.
08:37You can do it to anything and it sounds insulting.
08:39Oh, building an orphanage to save the children, boy.
08:42See?
08:42All right, lad.
08:44It was all we missed.
08:48Gig theory about boy, boy!
08:51Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
09:05It's all about breadcrumbing now, Gail.
09:08Keeping lads interested by feeding them little breadcrumbs now and again.
09:11Like, I like on Insta, a random flirty text, a blowjob.
09:15Last one was a joke.
09:16He's Duffy Duffy.
09:19He loves a bat and bee.
09:22He gets it down in three.
09:25He's Duffy Duffy.
09:28Put more in the bin than you're adding your mouth again.
09:31Lad, if there's anything you want to talk about, you can.
09:35Suppose there is one thing.
09:37How do I get this knob with a hero complex off me back,
09:40just cos I didn't finish me lunch?
09:42You need to learn all the lingo, too.
09:44Like, GGG.
09:45Good, given, and gain.
09:47Which means he's sex-positive,
09:48which means he wants to respectfully and woefully shag your senseless.
09:52Yep.
09:53That was really educational.
09:54Thanks for that, girls.
09:56You're welcome.
10:02Help me, almighty gay one.
10:05I've lost my mummy and my daddy.
10:07I'm a tragic little orphan that needs saving.
10:10First case of a justified orphan.
10:13Oh.
10:13Oh, here we go.
10:14What is this dark, scary place?
10:17What?
10:17Am I in a...
10:18What are you doing?
10:19Foster home!
10:20Oh, no!
10:21Please save me, Teddy Price.
10:23I'll save you.
10:25And then I'll ring your neck, you little maggie.
10:27Now then, trouble.
10:28What are you talking about?
10:29Oh, no.
10:30Just having a little chat with the girls about the crusty tissues I found under your bed yesterday.
10:35Mum.
10:36You'd best be joking.
10:37Of course I'm joking.
10:38But if you don't put them in the bin like I told you, I'm going to tell the whole school.
10:41Where are you going?
10:42Er, one mere.
10:43Just off to have me meeting with the Tate Liverpool.
10:46We're going to put together an exhibition of your crusty tissues.
10:48Put your face next to it.
10:50Intimate moment by Rhys Duffy.
10:52Hey.
10:54Ta-ra.
10:55Hey, mum.
10:55What?
10:56Yeah, there's one of me there earlier.
10:58Disgusting.
10:58I have a very important announcement.
11:00You can do it, Tychon!
11:01For anyone out there who's suffering, for anyone out there who needs hope in their darkest hour,
11:07there's a very special man that will save you.
11:09Is it Jesus?
11:10Ted Price.
11:11The hero we didn't know we needed.
11:14Because we literally don't need him.
11:17The man that's going to make all our lives joyful.
11:21So please, let's hear it for the one and only, our saviour, Ted Price.
11:27When I say Ted, you say Price.
11:30Ted!
11:30Price!
11:31Ted!
11:32Price!
11:33Price!
11:33Price!
11:33Price!
11:34Price!
11:46Price!
11:48Price!
11:48Price!
11:48Price!
11:50Price!
11:54We should join a sick society.
11:56We will piss with Alan on our side.
11:58Jinxing on me, lads.
11:59Let's celebrate this victory, yeah?
12:01Woo!
12:02My dad is sick.
12:04Oh, wow.
12:05If I had the choice of five minutes alone, with my dead dad or your dad,
12:08I choose your day.
12:10Yeah, that's one of the sweetest leftovers I've ever seen, Colton.
12:14You know why I was so good out there today, lads?
12:17Because I don't feel the weight in the bib.
12:19I have to play without fear.
12:21Because there goes the fear.
12:23Let it go.
12:25You turn around and life's passed you by.
12:29Don't waste chances being afraid, yeah?
12:32As I'm telling you, boys, everything you've ever wanted
12:36was on the other side of fear.
12:40I'm scared of karaoke.
12:42But you know what?
12:43I'm gonna do it.
12:44Come on, Colton!
12:46Come on, Colton!
12:47Come on, Colton!
12:48Come on!
12:55There's been a mistake.
12:56This isn't a song I picked.
12:57You got this.
12:58Come on, Colton!
13:00Come on, Colton!
13:00Come on, lads!
13:01Don't ask me...
13:03Oh, God.
13:03Come on, Colton!
13:04What you know is...
13:05He's troubled.
13:06Give me up, Colton!
13:08Don't have to tell you...
13:11I love your precious heart.
13:17I...
13:19I was standing.
13:22You were there.
13:24Come on, lads.
13:25It's beautiful.
13:25Two worlds collided.
13:28Two worlds collided.
13:29And they could never tear us apart.
13:35Come on!
13:36Guitar!
13:41Take it away, son.
13:45We could live...
13:46Go ahead, lads!
13:49...for a thousand years.
13:51If I hurt you...
13:56I've made wine from your tea
14:00I've told you
14:04That we could fly
14:05Hello?
14:06How's my favourite underpaid glass collector?
14:08Viv, if you're going to ask her back and work tonight, I can't. I'm back in school.
14:12I'm not asking you to work, but I do have a special request.
14:15You said that'd be a one-time thing and that I'd never have to do it again.
14:17Oh, please, I wouldn't be asking you to do that again.
14:19Have I better head for my blow-up doll?
14:21Our usual compay's got another gig, so we need someone for the Drag Night Thursday.
14:25What do you reckon?
14:26You want me to do it?
14:27No, nob-ed. Do you know anyone?
14:29I'm messing. Of course I'm asking you.
14:32Listen, I think you've got something.
14:33When you speak, people listen.
14:35You grab their attention.
14:36It's time to stop living in the shadows and step into the lights at my stage.
14:39Now, don't you dare be funnier than me.
14:41Viv, are you sure?
14:43Of course I'm sure.
14:44Oh, come on, lad. What's the worst that can happen?
14:46You bomb so hard, you become a shell of a man so traumatised you never leave the house.
14:51Because I tell you what, if you do, bomb, I'm never speaking to you again.
14:56Could never, ever tear us apart.
15:00Come on, lad.
15:04He's been a favourite bit now, son.
15:07What is he?
15:08Saxophone.
15:12It's not that bad.
15:13This is all because of who, you know.
15:15Nice, man.
15:16I'm going to make up for some lost time.
15:18Shame.
15:19He's just told me he's doing one of his own songs next called I Hate My Son.
15:22That's it.
15:23Fuck.
15:24Everybody, come on.
15:26I was standing.
15:30Come on, everybody.
15:32You and him.
15:35Two worlds collided.
15:38And they will never tear us apart.
15:44Do you hear me now, kid?
15:53He's fucking scared.
15:55Killing me with...
16:01Shit.
16:02Hello.
16:04Hello.
16:06Hi, Jodie.
16:07Hi.
16:08It's Robert here from Central Liverpool Housing Association.
16:11I believe you came to us via the job centre.
16:14Yeah.
16:14I was looking for some part-time ways to restart my career.
16:19I've got a law degree.
16:21I got it in 2007.
16:23I got pregnant afterwards, so I haven't really had a chance to do anything with it.
16:27We were all young and foolish once, my love.
16:32Just give us the ciggies, will you?
16:33I gave you 20 quid.
16:35Lad, forget the ciggies.
16:37You should be putting food in your mouth, you scrawny little rat.
16:41But this morning, honestly, I heard the shit that was bigger than you.
16:44Hey, you're not in Africa, innit?
16:46They have avert on the telly asking her to send food to you.
16:52Pass the ciggies before you just both get booted to Africa.
16:56Huh?
16:58Rat.
16:59Lad, come on.
17:01You groom-bumming this little lad then, Ted Lodge, yeah?
17:03Kieran, you can't even spell the word groom.
17:05Be gone.
17:06Come on.
17:08I told you to leave it to me, lad.
17:10How do you spell groom?
17:11What are you doing?
17:13I didn't say I was getting them for you, did I?
17:16I...
17:16I...
17:17I...
17:17I...
17:18I know that I'm your homie
17:21I ain't just gonna let that go
17:23I agree.
17:24With your underprivileged background
17:27and your experience of the many issues our clients suffer from
17:30I really think our clients are gonna connect with you.
17:34Yeah.
17:35I mean, I've had them all.
17:37Substance abuse issues,
17:39homelessness,
17:40unemployment,
17:41domestic violence
17:42and the big crowd-pleaser,
17:43mental health crises.
17:45You know,
17:46I feel for women in your situation.
17:49It isn't easy balancing career with issues.
17:52Then you stupidly get pregnant,
17:54which only compounds your problems,
17:56and you end up deeply regretting having the child,
17:59as you've basically screwed up your whole career.
18:01Will you wind your neck in your patronising gobshite?
18:04I don't regret anything about my life.
18:06In fact,
18:07I really like it,
18:08and having that boy was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.
18:11Oh,
18:11and while I'm at it,
18:12I live amongst these people with their so-called issues,
18:15and let me tell you something for nothing,
18:17with all their problems,
18:18not one of them is as big of a delusional dickhead as you are.
18:22Hey, Mum.
18:23What are you doing?
18:25Oh, look, son,
18:25we've got big money problems.
18:27Someone's got to do some cam work,
18:29and it's not going to be you,
18:30is he?
18:30I see if I'd make more than you.
18:31I see.
18:32Mid-japon.
18:33It's a big market.
18:36Fuck.
18:39Who uses WhatsApp anyway, grandad?
18:42I'm only using WhatsApp because Bebo's down.
18:45Oh, my God,
18:46you picture you on your moped.
18:48Is that because you hope girls will look at it and think,
18:50oh, my God,
18:51will you take me for a ride?
18:54Have you finished?
18:55So?
18:55Three wins together.
18:57Have a pasta trial.
18:59Trial to be the most annoying bellend
19:01who happens to be great at payday.
19:04Yeah?
19:05With flying colours.
19:07Get it.
19:19Little shit.
19:21Come on.
19:21Come on.
19:24Come on.
19:28Come on.
19:38Come on.
19:40Come on.
19:40Come on.
19:40Come on.
19:40Come on.
19:40Come on.
19:42Come on.
19:44Come on.
20:01How are we, kid?
20:03You do realise we don't have to hang around toilets for sex anymore?
20:07We're accepted now.
20:08They're having lunch today?
20:09I'm allergic to fish. I had a Mackey's before.
20:12Don't you have?
20:12The big tasty burger.
20:13That's seasonal, mate.
20:15You don't have it, Nam.
20:16It's back, lad.
20:17Albie, I know what you're doing.
20:18Making apologies.
20:20Saying you feel sick.
20:21Smoking so you don't feel hungry.
20:23Smoking was cool in the 50s.
20:24I don't blame you.
20:25Lad, I've been where you are.
20:27In this cubicle?
20:28Is this where you're rid from the Nazis in 1943?
20:31Well, they wouldn't execute you for being gay.
20:33They'd execute you for being so annoying.
20:39I know about that prison in your head.
20:42I know about that prison's full of anxiety.
20:45Anxiety when you catch a look at yourself in the mirror.
20:49Anxiety when you allow yourself that one bite.
20:52The constant thoughts and obsessions about food, calories, weight, BMI.
20:57You should exercise more.
20:58You shouldn't have had that bite.
21:00The thoughts are so exhausting that you think you're just one piece.
21:04You think that not waking up in the mornin' wouldn't be so bad?
21:10I'm coming out.
21:12For sake!
21:13I want the world to know.
21:15Did you listen to anything I've just said?
21:17Why did you stop boxing?
21:19How do you know about that?
21:20Me cousin goes to the same club as you.
21:22He says you're good, but a few months ago, you stopped going.
21:25Why?
21:26I didn't fancy it anymore.
21:27Sure, mate, yeah.
21:29Here's what I think.
21:30You go around acting like you're the perfect gay who's got it all figured out,
21:34yet you don't think you're worthy enough to box with straight lads.
21:38Seems like the almighty gay one's a big hypocrite.
21:42Shut up, you little prick.
21:43I'm here, trying to help you.
21:45If I ever want to learn about how to be a weak coward who's one big fraud,
21:49I'll come to you.
21:50But until then, fuck off and leave me alone.
22:01Hi, Jodie.
22:02Robbie.
22:03Robert here from Central Liverpool Housing Association.
22:06We'd like to offer you the job.
22:09You're messing.
22:10I called you a delusional dickhead.
22:13Upon reflection, I've realised you had an empathy and open-minded attitude towards our clients,
22:18which I think will be a huge asset to our office.
22:24I'll take it.
22:26Great.
22:26Although, can we not mention it to the job centre?
22:28I still want to keep me benefits, like.
22:30I'm afraid that's illegal and I'm...
22:33You're joking, aren't you?
22:36Very good.
22:38Congratulations.
22:39Looking forward to working with you.
22:41Nice one, Robbie.
22:44You fucking dancer!
22:48Who are you on the phone to?
22:50Oh, it's here.
22:52Little People Porn Cams dot com.
22:54Yeah.
22:56Five foot one maximum.
22:58No problem.
23:00Bigger than two inches.
23:04Definitely not.
23:06Welcome to Boss Little Queers Lees, you know.
23:09Don't worry, lads.
23:10If I can transform this face, there's hope for yous too.
23:13We've got a new comp hair for you this evening.
23:16It's his first night, so please be nice.
23:19And yes, I'm looking at you, lads.
23:21No bouncing bottles off his head.
23:24Oh, what's he doing, the old prick?
23:26Give it up for the gorgeous Ted Price!
23:28CHEERING
23:32Good evening.
23:34Who's ready for a night of eleganza extravaganza?
23:41I love drag queens, mate.
23:43Why do drag queens always have money?
23:44Why?
23:45Cos she knows how to tuck it away.
23:48Oof.
23:49This publess one that's dying on his arse!
23:51Shut up, Derek.
23:52If I wanted to wear an arse, I'll speak as far, mate.
23:59Hot fucking pick-up!
24:00My curly hair's hermophobic friends in the audience tonight.
24:04Stand up, con.
24:05Come on, give him a little clap.
24:07Now, this boy asks me hundreds of thousands of questions a day.
24:11Each one more hermophobic than the last.
24:14What was the most recent one?
24:16Hey, lads, if you guys haven't been able to come on tonight.
24:18Normally, I'd respond with, oh, gay lads have a type,
24:21or we don't fancy every man a laugh,
24:23but in this case, it's because he's one right ugly fucker.
24:26LAUGHTER
24:31This boy has just been reunited with his dad face-to-face after 16 years.
24:36Aww.
24:37I've been out of strange.
24:38He just finally found a ladder that was big enough.
24:40Aww.
24:44Thank you so much, everyone.
24:46Thank you for having me.
24:47You've been a gorgeous audience.
24:49Happy to have you been.
24:51Thanks, lads.
24:52I love you so much, Viv.
24:54Thank you so much for having me.
24:56Everybody, you guys have applause tonight.
24:57Thank you so much for being so kind.
25:01I live in the corner, watching you kiss her.
25:05Whoa.
25:08Ooh.
25:10I keep dancing on my own.
25:14Ho, Edna!
25:16Ho, Edna!
25:17Ho, Edna!
25:19Ho, Edna!
25:20Ho, Edna!
25:20Ho, Edna!
25:21Ho, Edna!
25:23Ho, Edna!
25:23Ho, Edna!
25:27Ho, Edna!
25:37Come on, you're going to be seeing a lot more of this.
25:39Give it up for the gorgeous, Ted Price!
25:52Please!
26:11Ted Price is here!
26:26Ali.
26:30I'm so sorry I let you down.
26:35Is this heaven?
26:36Lad, you're in a hospital?
26:38Oh, mighty gay one, Ted Price, a gay heaven's doors.
26:42Please let me in.
26:45What the doctor said.
26:46I'll be okay.
26:48So that stuff I bought on the dark web wasn't any good.
26:52I wonder what the refund policy is.
26:56I've got a confession.
26:58This is gonna sound really crazy and out the blue, but...
27:01I think I've got anorexia.
27:03I am bloomin' away, lad.
27:05Really?
27:09I was eleven.
27:10When it clicked I was gay.
27:12And my first thought was...
27:15You shit.
27:16Because that's how society's made us feel.
27:19Then you put this negativity on yourself and...
27:21It messes up your self-esteem.
27:25Anorexia makes you believe that...
27:27If you keep doing what it wants, you'll be okay.
27:31But it's a liar.
27:34A very good liar, to be fair.
27:36Facing your inner demons is scary, but...
27:39Everything you want...
27:42It's on the other side of that fear.
27:44I got better.
27:47You will too.
27:48Another confession.
27:50I really appreciate you looking out for me.
27:54It's been my pleasure.
27:58Yeah.
28:00Big hairy daddy hands, this.
28:02Excuse me.
28:03These daddy hands are here to look after you.
28:05Mum, let me fix your pillow.
28:08What are you feeling?
28:10Nurse, help!
28:11This old fellow is saying he's me daddy.
28:13Making me do things I don't want to do.
28:15He's very, very sick.
28:16Get out!
28:46Leave it in the morning with everything you want
28:49And a little black case.
28:53Alone on a platform, the wind and the rain on the sand.
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