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00:12You
00:12Please welcome to the stage
00:34Thank you so much, that's so lovely. How are you? Are you well?
00:37Yes! Give me a chair if you're upstairs.
00:41It's pretty good. Downstairs?
00:44We're all here. Let's get started.
00:47Thank you so much for coming. I was standing at the side there.
00:49Did you ever get where you can smell gravy on yourself but you can't find it?
00:54It's somewhere here. What's also alarming is I can smell a little bit of piss as well.
00:59I can only assume that's me leggings coming through me tits and quacking out the top.
01:04That's what's happening there. Apologies to the people in the front row if this is not what you're expecting.
01:09Maybe it's exactly what you're expecting.
01:11I never really understand why people get tickets for the front row for me.
01:14I know for other people it's a really good view but for me it's a terrible fucking angle.
01:19It's all tits and chins.
01:21And now piss as well, piss and tits and chins, you lucky buggers.
01:30You get this strong whip of it all the way back there are you flower?
01:34I'm so sorry. You're right in a direct line.
01:37I'll try not to quack at any point.
01:40I'm so sorry.
01:43My show, as you know, is called Late Bloomer.
01:46I've always considered myself to be a late bloomer.
01:48From what you understand of the term already, give me a woo if you think you're a late bloomer like
01:53me.
01:54Well, there's quite a few of you in.
01:57OK, so I've been trying to work out what the rest of you are.
02:00The internet thinks the opposite of a late bloomer is a child prodigy.
02:05I can see quite a lot of you down here, I'm going to say no to that.
02:09I think it's because they're basing it on education when I think it's more to do with how old you
02:13were when you first had sex.
02:16What's that, a sex prodigy?
02:17That doesn't sound right, does it?
02:19Early slut, that's not very nice.
02:22The term I've come up with, I think you're going to like it.
02:24To me, if you're not a late bloomer, you're an eager beaver.
02:30Some of you won't know which one you are.
02:32Luckily I've made a handy list to help you decide.
02:35Here we go.
02:36Late bloomer, sweet 16 and never been kissed.
02:39Eager beaver, sweet 16 and already been fisted.
02:48There's loads over there!
02:52I was trying to work out what the cut-off age is, if it is about when you first had
02:56sex.
02:56Because some people have sex for the first time when they're quite young, don't they?
02:59And other people wait and have it when they're a bit older.
03:01Wait? I'm not sure I waited.
03:03Rather just none was available to me when I was shopping for cock.
03:10Your basket is empty.
03:18Late bloomer had no talents as a child.
03:21When I was a kid, maybe 10 or 11 years old.
03:24We had a talent assembly at school where whatever talent you had,
03:26you could perform it in the assembly.
03:28One little girl played the piano because she'd had piano lessons.
03:31I don't know if I can hide my hatred of her very well.
03:34Another little girl did ballet because she'd had ballet lessons.
03:38I hadn't had any of that kind of lessons.
03:40I was determined, though, to be involved in the talent assembly.
03:42I told the teacher that my talent was looking after animals,
03:46which is A, not a talent, and B, even if it is, I'm not sure I had it because they
03:50all died.
03:52I don't know how much of that is my fault, though,
03:54because when you're little you have little animals, don't you?
03:56You have hamsters, you have budgies, you have rabbits,
03:57you have things that don't last.
03:58Live sounds better.
03:59Things that don't live very long.
04:01So you shouldn't keep a hamster longer than it wants to stay.
04:06That's like the old saying.
04:07If you love someone...
04:09Buried him in the garden.
04:11That's right.
04:14Eager beaver, however.
04:15Tap dance from five.
04:17Clarinet at seven.
04:18Netball team at twelve.
04:19Disco dancing at fourteen.
04:21Suckin' cocks at sixteen.
04:25Some of them are clapping already.
04:28Late bloomer, first kiss very late.
04:31Now, for that, I don't count hands or posters.
04:34I think your first kiss has to be another person, generally speaking.
04:37So where do kids get their posters from these?
04:40There's no Woolworths, there's no Athena.
04:42Are they just kissing their phones?
04:44Is that what they do?
04:45I used to spend many an hour on a Saturday in Woolworths just doing this.
05:00It's like a very early Tinder, wasn't it?
05:05Swipe left for Chesney Hawks.
05:08That's what late bloomers were doing on Saturdays,
05:10while eager beavers were buying lipsticks and touching winkies.
05:17Eager beaver, however, kissed everyone sort of uncomfortably early.
05:20You know, sometimes they say group of kids, group of adults,
05:22who are with the kids,
05:23and one of the adults will point to one of the kids and go,
05:25E, look, she's got herself a boyfriend.
05:28And I think they're five years old, you fuckin' weirdo perverts.
05:32And it's a cousin, what the fuck's happening?
05:39Late bloomer, never accidentally pregnant.
05:45Brace yourselves.
05:48Eager beaver, many abortions.
05:50Now...
05:52Such a great reaction!
05:55You did what I call the move-on laugh.
05:57Ha-ha-ha!
06:01I'm pro-abortion, it's fine.
06:04Eager beaver, drank in the park, even on a school night.
06:07Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
06:10Brrrr!
06:11Good response.
06:13Late bloomer, drank only at Christmas in full view of approving parents.
06:19Eager beaver, saw New Year's Eve as an opportunity to get fingered,
06:25or a hand job in a McDonald's toilet.
06:31Should old acquaintance cream ?
06:35We could've...
06:36Ten,
06:37nine,
06:39eight,
06:41seven !
06:48Late bloomer went out on New Year's Eve, but went home at 11 thirty p.m.
06:54to see in the new year with their parents. I did that. I was never once fingered on a New
06:59Year's Eve.
07:01Sounds like a country and western song, doesn't it?
07:06Eager Beaver experimented with drugs. Late Bloomer was on medication.
07:14And finally, Late Bloomer, first sex toy after first divorce.
07:20Eager Beaver got a voucher for love, honey, off their mum on their 17th birthday.
07:35The inspiration for this show is a photograph. Now, you know, there were people we really liked at
07:39school that we're still in touch with now, and then there were people we really hated at school
07:43that we sort of hope are dead now. Then this... Yes, yes. Then there's all the people
07:48in between that we didn't know that well, but they seemed all right at the time. One of those
07:52girls in that last category sent me a message on Facebook. She said, I've got a photograph that
07:56you're in, and I wondered if you'd like to see it. I said, yes, please. She said, it's from when
08:00we were
08:0012. I'm 49 now. So the idea of seeing a photograph of myself from so long ago is, of course,
08:05intriguing.
08:06I said, I'd love to see it. She said, it's from when we went skiing with the school in France.
08:12I've never been skiing. So now I'm thinking, is it even me and the photograph are just another
08:18kid in glasses? I know I've never been skiing because it involves three of the things I hate
08:22the most, the cold sport hospitals. Actually, France, four of the things I hate the most.
08:31So the photograph came through. It is me in the photograph. I'd love to show you the photograph,
08:34but in order to do that, I'd have to ask permission of all the people in the photograph.
08:38And in order to do that, I'd have to talk to people from school, and I'm not fucking doing it.
08:48So instead, I'm going to describe the photograph to you. So as you're looking at me, this is the
08:51photograph. Four kids sitting along in a row, all age 12, or thereabouts, all sitting at a table.
08:56We're sort of this then. So the first person on my left, your right, is the girl who sent me
09:00the photograph. Let's call her Sam. She's called Deborah.
09:11She's got a big smile on her face. It's a very 80s photograph taken in 1987. Everybody's in like
09:18crazy earrings, chunky jumpers. There's evidence of nuggets on the table in front of us. I don't know
09:23what they're called in France. Les nuggets de poulet. I don't know. She's got a big smile on her face,
09:29belly full of nuggets, having a lovely time. Next to her is the prettiest boy in school. The prettiest
09:34boy in school. And I sent a message to Sam, Deborah, and I said, do you remember we all used
09:40to fancy him? She said, yeah, not now. I said, what does that mean? She said, I've looked him up
09:46on
09:46Facebook. Not now. He peaked at 12. Eager Beaver. Then there's me. Now, I remember I served
09:58these in crazy earrings, chunky jumpers. Not me. I'm wearing a blazer. Not a school blazer, because I'm not
10:03at school. A fashion blazer. I can only imagine I got it out of my sister's catalogue. She used to
10:07run
10:07a catalogue, 25 pence a week for the rest of my natural life. Should check my bank statements.
10:13There is a strong chance I am still paying for that now. I've got the sleeves pushed up, sort of
10:17Miami Vice style. Thanks. Underneath the blazer is a blouse. I think this is where I'm really
10:25going to be 49, because I think I might have always been 49. Not even finished. On the blouse is
10:34a brooch.
10:38And not even like a cool kid's brooch where I'd be like, hey, I like the penguin on your lapel.
10:42No,
10:43a little lady's brooch right at the top of the blouse, keeping it shut, presumably so that nobody
10:49can see my vest. What the fuck was I hiding up here? It was four more years till I grew
10:56any tits.
10:57What the fuck was I hiding up here? Also, I'm not sure my tits have ever been visible from up
11:01here.
11:03Down there, perhaps. Not up here. I've got my sleeves pushed up. I've got my arms folded and I look
11:11fucking livid. And I sent a message to Sam, Deborah, and I said, I look livid. She said,
11:18you look like an office manager. And she's right. I look like maybe I couldn't get a boyfriend,
11:25but I bet I could have gotten a mortgage. That's what I look like. I look like the one in
11:30your
11:30friendship group. Might even be you. You know, the one who works out who owes what on the bill at
11:34the
11:34end of the meal. She's not that sociable, just comes out for the maths. That one. I look like...
11:42But the reason I look so livid is apparent. As soon as you realise that the last person in the
11:46photograph on my right, your left is my bully. And I thought, how did I get from there to here?
11:51How did I get from there being so shy and lacking in confidence? I couldn't say it to one of
11:55the
11:55other kids or a teacher or a helper, can I sit beside you? Because she's always awful to me.
11:59I just sat there, just took it. Yes, I was furious, bursting out the fucking brooch,
12:04but I still just took it. So how did I get from there to here? Here,
12:07which is essentially talking to people I've never met before about my fanny.
12:22So over the course of the show, I'm going to tell you some stuff about me as a kid,
12:25some stuff about me now and try and work out how I got from A to B. I had two
12:29good friends at school,
12:30you don't need more than that, two good friends. Also quite a lot of pen pals. Anybody have a pen
12:33pal with her, Kim? Yes. So there was a company called Transatlantic Pen Friends where you could get
12:38an American pen pal. I was excited by this. A lot of the television I watched as a kid was
12:42American.
12:42I thought there was a pretty good chance I was going to end up writing to Fonzie. That's what I
12:46thought.
12:48But how they matched you up with somebody they thought you'd have something in common with is
12:51you sent a list of your favourite things. Everybody did the same and they paid you off.
12:55The boy they matched me up with was a similar age to me, but number one on his list of
13:00favourite things
13:01was the word knives.
13:06America's different, isn't it? Mine was Satsumas.
13:12Compared to his list, mine was so innocent. Oh my God, it was so innocent. Mine was Satsumas,
13:18Stationery, Rolf's Cartoon Club, Jim'll Fix It and The Cosby Show.
13:31I was also in Gary Glitter's gang.
13:38I put my back out a while ago. I know when some people put their backs out, they're an agonising
13:42pain,
13:43they're laid up for months. If that's you, you have my sympathy. Thankfully, it's not so bad for me.
13:46I basically pulled something in my back that meant things were tricky for a few days. I know exactly
13:51how I did it though. I put my back out trimming my pubes.
13:56Because the fatter you get, the further away they are.
14:01But I texted my friend because I thought it was hilarious. I texted my friend,
14:03I think I just put my back out trimming my pubes.
14:06And she replied with the weirdest question. She just replied, front to back.
14:16So I didn't section it off like a hairdresser does, so that's what you mean.
14:26But you know how doctors, receptionists are bitches?
14:30That's not my opinion, it's just a fact in the world. They're all bitches.
14:34I had to ring up to book a smear test, spoke to the receptionist, she booked the appointment,
14:37no trouble. Then she said, just to let you know, for the two weeks before the smear test,
14:41you're not allowed to have any sex. Thank you. Somebody opened it and went, huh? Thank you.
14:47I never heard that before and I said that to the lady. I said, can you tell me why?
14:50And she said, I'm sorry, I can't. It's just what we're told to say when we book the smear test
14:53in.
14:53Okay, so two weeks go by and somebody with work crops up have to rebook the appointment,
14:57ends up being four weeks. I don't know what that is.
15:01I think I'm trying to show you what a sad vagina looks like.
15:09Your basket is still empty.
15:15So the four weeks go by, I'm going for the appointment, I'm sitting at the desk with lovely
15:18nurse and she said, before we get started, have you got any questions? I said, I have actually.
15:22I said, when I booked this appointment in, the receptionist told me that for the two weeks
15:25before the smear test, I'm not allowed to have any sex. Is that true? She said, no.
15:29Fucking bitches. Fucking bitches.
15:39When I first had that bit of information, I mentioned it to one of my friends and she said,
15:42do they mean you have to stop everything or just the jizzy stuff?
15:51I think I've given you a pretty good idea of what I was like as a kid already, but allow
15:55me to colour
15:55that in a bit further for you, if I mean. I was the kid who sat at the front of
15:59the bus
16:00on school trips to talk to the driver and vomit in the bucket. I mentioned this to one of my
16:09friends,
16:09she said, was there a bucket at the front of the bus? I said, yeah, what were you doing? She
16:13said,
16:13flashing me tits at the lorry drivers. I was the kid who was put on a table of Trixie kids
16:20to keep
16:21them in line. I was part teaching assistant, part ADHD meds. There was one boy on that table,
16:28used to sneeze on the table and rub it in. And years and years later, he asked me out in
16:34a nightclub
16:35and all I could think of was, what would you rub on the table now? It's a French polisher now.
16:45While other girls were growing pubes, I was growing Chris in an egg.
16:51Sticking it on, no. It's a good idea. I wish I'd had it at the time.
16:57While other girls were being fingered behind the bike sheds, I couldn't even ride a bike.
17:03I didn't know where the bike sheds were. What if your fingers lined up for me there as well?
17:10I mean, I'm not a parent, but if you have got kids, teach them how to ride a bike,
17:14because if you don't, it's going to affect them in so many different ways.
17:19I lied about my age to get into Jason Donovan, the concert, not the man.
17:28And finally, does anybody remember More magazine?
17:32Yes. Yes. So if you don't know More magazine, it was a late teen magazine.
17:35It was Fortnightly. It had a very famous page, Position of the Fortnight,
17:40which was a weird pencil drawn of a couple having sex in a variety of different ways.
17:45I was looking at this every two weeks. I'd have my first kiss yet.
17:48Didn't need more magazine. I needed fucking any magazine.
17:53Also, how confident are you when you start a magazine with a column like that,
17:56that you know enough positions? That magazine ran for 25 years.
18:01I, as an adult, only know five positions. I only do two.
18:10One.
18:11One.
18:19Unless it's a birthday.
18:22My birthday.
18:25For my last birthday, I requested the wheelbarrow.
18:28I don't know if you're familiar with the wheelbarrow.
18:31Would not recommend.
18:34My husband put his back out and I got carpet burns on my nipples.
18:47I don't think everybody in our house knows how to use a toilet brush correctly.
18:52There's only two of us and I'm fine.
18:55For example, the last time I pulled it out the, what is it called, like the holder?
18:59Is it the holder? You know what I mean, don't you? Where the poo soup leaves?
19:08If you were horrified by that, hold on tight, guys.
19:15The last time I pulled it out the holder, it looked like a fucking cake pop.
19:25Can't use that now to put more poo on the toilet.
19:29Also, how is he building it up so much?
19:32I have to stop doing that.
19:33I'm worried I'm going to put people off candy floss for life.
19:38How am I supposed to clean it when it's that bad though?
19:40Is it like a hairbrush to have to comb it through?
19:45What about if I popped it in the dishwasher?
19:49I thought I could lie and flatten it on the top with all my vibrators and my big spoons.
19:58Transpires that before you met me, my husband used to think the toilet brush was used for unblocking the toilet.
20:04Everybody knows if you need to unblock a toilet, you need a vacuum.
20:08No, not like a Hoover.
20:11Imagine Henry's face.
20:15You need to create the vacuum is what I should have said.
20:18Some of you are looking at me like you've never had a big shit in your life.
20:20Fuck off.
20:22So now we've got a plunger in every room.
20:25Every bathroom, not every room.
20:27Just one by the side of the bed just in case we're fucking in and get stuck.
20:38But it's not that long ago that my husband found out that the towels
20:41he brought into our relationship have gone to live on a farm.
20:47Two towels, both bath towels.
20:49One had Elvis on it, one had Aston Villa on it and they hung on a hook each in his
20:53bathroom
20:53and they were what could only be described as crispy.
20:57So much so that I knocked one off the hook one day and it landed and held its shape.
21:03Like a ghost, like his bathroom was haunted.
21:08Really early in our relationship one day, I said to him, have you got a towel I could burn?
21:11And he said, yeah, just use either of the ones in the bathroom.
21:13And I was like, what if I like my skin?
21:16So he looked in the cupboard for any alternative.
21:18He found what looked like a small white hand towel.
21:20I thought that'll have to do.
21:21But when I opened it out in the bathroom, it turned out to be an Ibis Hotel bath mat.
21:25For fuck's sake.
21:30Things were very different for him before you met me.
21:32He used to have black bed sheets.
21:34And not like, is it?
21:35Mr. Lover Lover.
21:36Kind of where you just George and Asda cotton black sheets.
21:39His reasoning was that they wouldn't show anything up.
21:44You know, they did show up jizz.
21:48If anything, they were jizz enhancing sheets.
21:52Looked like a Bob Ross painting.
21:57One day I thought I'd seen Jesus' face.
22:02Which presumably would count as the second coming.
22:14When I was at school, I don't know if this is just my school, even just my area.
22:17Let's find out.
22:18This is just for the ladies in the room.
22:19Give me a woo if when you did PE at school, you had to have a shower afterwards.
22:25Give me a woo if that shower was communal.
22:28So I had two problems with the communal showers.
22:30The first problem I had was that I don't think I did enough in PE.
22:35To warrant a shower.
22:38Standing at the side and then putting the balls back in the cupboard at the end
22:41did not make me very sweaty.
22:44Second problem I had was that I was very underdeveloped at that age.
22:47I was very self-conscious of that.
22:49I didn't get boobs and pubes.
22:51Ooh, it rhymes.
22:52Shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes.
22:54Didn't get boobs and pubes until I got my GCSEs.
22:58Not like it's a well done.
23:01You've done quite well in your exams.
23:03Have some tits and hair.
23:04Just take whatever you like out the bag.
23:07Oh, there's a little bit of hair left.
23:14But because of puberty, there were girls in my ear that looked like proper women.
23:17And I just looked like a young girl.
23:19So what I used to do, I'd wrap a towel around myself.
23:20I'd keep the towel wrapped around myself.
23:22I'd go into the shower area.
23:23I'd splash my shoulders and I'd splash my feet.
23:25And I'd try and get away with that.
23:26But give me a woo if sometimes your teacher watched.
23:29Yeah, look at all the paedophiles now.
23:32And I've got a friend who's Australian.
23:34She said, it's not like that.
23:34In Australia, that's terrible.
23:35I said, I know it's terrible.
23:36I was just so self-conscious because I didn't have any boobs and pubes.
23:39She said, well, you've made up for lost time there, haven't you?
23:43I said, I'm assuming she means my tits.
23:45I'm not sure if she's seen my pubes.
23:47Although she does know I haven't put my back out in a while.
23:50So she's just on rough calculation there.
23:53She said, I bet you to have a shower with all those people now.
23:55I was like, that would be the weirdest ever response to a school reunion invitation.
24:02Sure, I'll come to the pub with you.
24:03But do you mind if first we all have a shower together?
24:05Because I've been growing some stuff I think you're going to want to see.
24:10So many pubes now.
24:11Some of them are coming at me fucking chin.
24:20I love a big handbag.
24:21I haven't always loved a big handbag.
24:22When I was sort of late teens, early twenties, I had one of those.
24:24You know, the kind of ones that goes across you.
24:26I had one of those smaller bags.
24:27It felt important at that age to have my hands free for whatever life threw at me.
24:31I was ready to be an opportunity or danger.
24:33I was fucking ready.
24:35I wanted to be able to pick up a pound coin, peel a satsuma, punch a rapist,
24:38all the things I thought might come off.
24:41Now, though, I prefer a big handbag that can contain everything I could possibly
24:44need.
24:45Give me a word for you, like, a big handbag.
24:46Whoop!
24:47A small handbag.
24:48Whoop!
24:49I prefer no handbag.
24:50Whoop!
24:51You're all the people that scare me the most because you're not prepared for
24:53fucking anything at all.
24:56I have a friend who has a small handbag.
24:58We were comparing our bags.
24:59She noticed that my purse was the same size as her handbag.
25:03And just to give you an idea, my purse is the same size as the one me nana used to
25:07run after
25:07the ice cream van with, you know, massive and can be used as an improvised weapon if needs
25:12been.
25:14She said, you can't need everything that's in that.
25:16I said, yeah, I do.
25:17I've got bank cards.
25:18I've got other bank cards in case the first bank cards don't work.
25:20I've got cash in case none of the bank cards work.
25:22I've got gift cards.
25:24I've got club cards.
25:25I've got stamps.
25:26And she went, do you not just use apple pay?
25:33I said, no, because I decided two years ago to not learn anything new ever again,
25:37and I'm fucking loving it.
25:40I said, Julie, in that little bag, you must have your house keys.
25:42You've got your house keys.
25:43She said, yeah, she brought up one solitary key.
25:44No key ring attached.
25:45Just one solitary key.
25:46I said, my first worry is how you're going to defend yourself if you have to get the
25:49last bus home late at night, because that's what we're taught, is that you put your keys
25:53between all your fingers.
25:54One key!
25:55She's going to have to hope she's got good aim.
25:59Just gouge his fucking eye out.
26:01Excuse me, Mr Rapist.
26:02Do you mind taking your glasses off, please?
26:05What?
26:05But that's what we're taught, isn't it?
26:06We're taught you put your keys between all your fingers.
26:09That's what we're taught and claw down from, what, 14 or 15?
26:12It's great being a woman.
26:14And I worked in a shop in my 20s.
26:16It was a lady a bit older than me worked there at the same time.
26:18And she said to me one day, you should only ever wear shoes you can run in.
26:22How fucking bleak is that?
26:25I sent it back to her, because I wanted her to hear how bad it sounded.
26:28I said, you think I should only ever wear shoes that I, I can run in?
26:35You want me to wear magic shoes?
26:44But I put up my set of keys to show my friend I look like I run a jail.
26:47I have emergency keys for four other people's houses.
26:51My friend said you don't carry them with you all the time, though.
26:53I said, yes, I do, because I take emergencies fucking seriously.
26:57Same friend out for the day having a lovely day.
26:59She started her period, wasn't expecting to, didn't have anything with her in her stupid little bag.
27:05My first thought was she's going to have to use her stupid little bag as a sanitary towel.
27:12But she looked at me all sad-eyed.
27:14She said, I haven't got anything with me.
27:15Have you got anything with you?
27:17I said, what do you think?
27:18I've got 12 night-time towels.
27:23I wasn't even due on for two more weeks.
27:24That's how fucking ready I am.
27:27But for example, with what I have in my bag that I brought here today,
27:30if 12 of you started your period, I can sort you out.
27:33I've got your back.
27:34Well, it's a night-time towel.
27:36I've got your front as well.
27:36I've got your back.
27:40Just take this canoe and try and hold it in place.
27:47If six of you got a blister, I can sort you out.
27:50I'm not just a pissy little plaster either.
27:51Fucking compede.
27:53I can give six of you a fucking compede.
27:55You can't even peel off in the shower.
27:57You just have to eventually shed them like a snake.
28:03If 28 of you needed a pen.
28:08I can do it.
28:09I'm not even ashamed.
28:11If I've even got the shit, I can sort you out.
28:13I've got two different types of Imodium.
28:16I've got Imodium Instant and Imodium Classic.
28:19Does anybody know why Imodium Classic still exists?
28:22Who is thinking, I'd like my diarrhoea to stop,
28:27but in a while.
28:38If any of you haven't had a shit today but would like one before bed,
28:41I've got fucking Senecott.
28:48Interestingly, Senecott never brought out an instant range.
28:53Because it would just be like this.
28:54Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
28:55Bang!
28:56Fuck!
28:59Glad I've got me canoe on.
29:06But I would like to talk to you guys, see if anybody in this beautiful room of glorious
29:10people would like to shout out an unusual thing that you have in your bag.
29:13And it doesn't just have to be a handbag.
29:15It can be your bum bag, your backpack, your briefcase, whatever it is you carry with you
29:18on a regular basis.
29:19We'll section you off to make it slightly easier.
29:21Let me give an example though.
29:22I was in quite a posh area recently.
29:24And I said, what's the most unusual thing you have in your bag?
29:26And the lady shouted out,
29:28Balsamic vinegar.
29:33And I said, can I ask why you carry balsamic vinegar?
29:35She said, just in case I'm ever confronted with a salad that's undressed.
29:46But I think the easiest way to talk to you guys is in the sections you're kind of in.
29:49We'll do upstairs first.
29:50We'll divide you into two.
29:51Anybody want to shout out an unusual thing that you have in your bag?
29:54Anybody want to start us off?
29:55A cutlery set.
29:56A cutlery set?
29:57A knife, fork and spoon.
29:59I understand what cutlery is.
30:10Do you think I was just shoveling it in with me hands?
30:14Look at that.
30:15I should probably use it as a trowel.
30:19What are they made of, my lovely? Are they plastic? Are they wooden?
30:22They're plastic because I don't like it when you get the wooden ones.
30:26It makes my mouth go all funny.
30:28Okay.
30:30One fan.
30:31So that's two of you like killing the turtles, is that right?
30:36So you don't like the wooden ones?
30:38No.
30:38And they're plastic.
30:39Are they like silicon or are they like plastic plastic?
30:41They're like silicon.
30:43They're in like a little plastic.
30:44Oh, so it's like...
30:45A wooden tub thing.
30:45Oh, this is nice.
30:46So they're all together.
30:50Slightly jealous.
30:52And do they just stay in your bag all the time?
30:55It's fucking amazing.
30:56I've got a metal straw because I don't like the paper straws.
31:01You're what I would call a fussy fanny.
31:07Is this your partner beside you?
31:09Yes.
31:09Yes.
31:10Well, you put with a lot, don't you, Flora?
31:13Is there other things you just make the feel of in her mouth?
31:24I like my rubber one.
31:26I don't like your meaty one.
31:27It just feels weird on me teeth.
31:31You're not supposed to use your fucking teeth.
31:35Look, you see, I don't carry a full set of cutlery, but I do carry a spoon.
31:38And the reason for that, you know, every now and again, there's sort of surprise cake that you didn't know
31:43was going to happen.
31:45Somebody will be like, Sandra's birthday next week, which is on holiday, so I've got cake today.
31:50Everybody's scutters looking for cutlery, and me and that nice lady, they just fucking start.
31:56Have a nice round of applause for the cutlery lady.
32:00Good answer.
32:05Excellent work.
32:06Upstairs, well done.
32:07Downstairs, pressure's on.
32:08So anybody on this side want to shout a new thing you've got in your bag?
32:11Fire Brigade keys.
32:12Fire Brigade keys.
32:14I genuinely thought you said Vi-brigate keys.
32:18I opened the Vi-brigate.
32:21Come join me.
32:23Fire Brigade keys.
32:25Now, you are, presumably you work for the Fire Brigade.
32:29No.
32:30No, fuck.
32:33It's worrying.
32:34Isn't it worrying?
32:36Why are you allowed to keep the keys then?
32:39Um, I do use them for work.
32:41I'm working fire safety, just not for the Fire Sire.
32:45OK, hold on.
32:46Don't clap.
32:49Still feels dodgy to me.
32:51So you're working fire safety.
32:53What is it?
32:53Have you got a good and impressive job title?
32:55What's your job title, Flower?
32:56Fire Risk Assessor.
32:58Fire Risk Assessor.
32:59It's exciting, then it goes boring, doesn't it?
33:02Fire, wow, risk, wow, assessor.
33:05It just says clipboard to me, doesn't it?
33:08Are you largely clipboard based?
33:09Yes, you're largely.
33:11But why are you allowed the case to the whole Fire Brigade?
33:14I don't understand.
33:16Because I'll take emergency seriously.
33:19She takes emergency seriously!
33:25Love it.
33:26I fucking love it.
33:27We could be friends.
33:28I like it.
33:28Thank you very much.
33:29We need a better round of applause.
33:31We need a nice round of applause.
33:32Let's put it.
33:32Fire Risk Assessor.
33:35Nice.
33:37Anybody in this who want to shout an unusual thing you've got in your bag?
33:39Whistle and a face mask.
33:41Hold on, say it again.
33:42A whistle and a face mask.
33:44A whistle and a face mask.
33:46You say that like they come in the same pack.
33:49No?
33:51No.
33:51So why did you shout them both, Elle?
33:53Because they're on my lanyard.
33:55They're on your lanyard.
33:56Ooh.
33:59I love people who are impressed with lanyards.
34:01Ooh!
34:04Somebody's got a job that's security conscious.
34:08What kind of job do you do, Flora?
34:09A teaching assistant.
34:11A teaching assistant?
34:12Yeah.
34:14And...
34:14What?
34:18Are you not allowed to talk about your job?
34:20Is that your phone going, somebody going to shut you off?
34:24They told you not to mention the teaching assistant, Jane.
34:29Blow the whistle, we'll find you an exit.
34:43So, is the whistle like a proper school whistle?
34:46Yes.
34:46Oh, fuck.
34:49Does anybody else want to hear it?
34:53Have you got it with you?
34:54It's in the car outside.
34:55It's in the car.
34:56Oh!
34:58To be honest, I don't know what it would make me do if she...
35:02I feel like it might make me, like, stop with a netball.
35:07You know, like...
35:08Peppet, peppet, peppet, peppet.
35:11I'm not sure it would be a good noise.
35:13Maybe it's too triggering for a lot of people anyway.
35:16If anybody's like me and fucking hate at school.
35:19I love that you brought that.
35:20What was the other thing you said?
35:22A face mask.
35:22Face, thank you.
35:23Somebody if they went face mask.
35:25A face mask, what kind of face mask?
35:28For CPR.
35:29Oh, a C...
35:30Oh!
35:31For first aid.
35:31Not like a...
35:32I'm a clown.
35:33Not like...
35:35Not like that.
35:39A CPR one?
35:40Yeah, for first aid.
35:44Can you just tell me?
35:45Yeah, in case they're vomiting or some...
35:47The blood, you put it on them for you to save them.
35:50LAUGHTER
35:50Because a couple of people in here would not save a life.
35:53Did you hear that?
35:54Err!
35:55Err!
35:56Err!
35:58So you put it over their mouth?
36:00Yes.
36:00So you can give them mouth-to-mouth, but you don't get any...
36:03Yes.
36:03Jizz.
36:04All right, all right!
36:06Err!
36:07Err!
36:09Does it...
36:10Does it just work on mouths?
36:12Or could you, like, slot over it?
36:15LAUGHTER
36:21Just slam it over a dick.
36:25You know, I like the look of his dick, but his balls are a fucking mess.
36:28I'm just going to cover them all over.
36:36I'm so sorry.
36:38I'm not.
36:40Can we have a nice round of applause for the teacher?
36:42I'm so sorry.
36:46Anybody else over this side?
36:48You usually think you've got your back?
36:49Can you stop?
36:50Oh, go loads of you.
36:51Hold on.
36:51What was the one in the front?
36:53Somebody...
36:53A doorstop.
36:53A doorstop.
36:54LAUGHTER
36:57I love this.
36:58I love this.
36:58Already, I love this.
36:59Like a wooden one or a...?
37:00A rubber one.
37:02A rubber one.
37:03Just in your bag.
37:04I love it.
37:06I can't tell how old you are.
37:08Do you get sometimes a bit warm?
37:10Are you relaxed?
37:12That kind of...
37:13Need a proper door open, somebody get me a wedge.
37:18Are you...
37:19You're too young, I think.
37:20Are you a bit too young for that?
37:21It's for, like, hotel security.
37:23It's for hotel security?
37:25Hold the fuck.
37:25I'm in hotels all the time.
37:27Have I been unsafe?
37:29Where's the fucking rescue assessor?
37:30We need you.
37:33So you wedge the door shut, then?
37:35You're not like,
37:36Where do you open a hotel?
37:37Come on in.
37:39Come on in.
37:40I'm lonely.
37:42So you wedge the door shut?
37:44Yeah, because sometimes they haven't got the latch on.
37:46They often don't have the latch on.
37:47And you're just taking it on trust that somebody's not going to come in.
37:50You don't fucking trust anybody.
37:52I like that.
37:53Wedge that door shut.
37:55Now, let's ask the fire assessor.
37:56Hello, flower.
37:59Is this a fire hazard to have the door wedged shut?
38:02Yes, it is.
38:07But I feel like you knew that and you're willing to take the risk.
38:12Because the dangers of fire are men.
38:14Is that right?
38:16And you've gone,
38:16I'll just take the fire.
38:17It's fine.
38:18I love how I'd never even thought to carry a wedge.
38:22My God, I'm in hotels all the time.
38:24I'm so unsafe.
38:26You've changed my life, potentially.
38:29I'm probably going to burn in a fire, but thanks.
38:32Round of applause.
38:33I love it.
38:34I love it.
38:34It's a good accent.
38:39Where have other people over here shut it again?
38:41Cable ties.
38:42Cable ties.
38:48That's where you've got the wedge.
38:58Now, tell me your job and let's hope it's fucking relevant.
39:03Police officer.
39:04You're a police officer.
39:06Still feels iffy as fuck, doesn't it?
39:09Have you got the keys to the fire brigade?
39:11No, you have.
39:14Oh my God, there's more than one set.
39:18The reason I've got them is because sometimes my baton holder falls off my kit belt.
39:22Hold on, hold on.
39:23The reason you've got them is because why?
39:25My baton holder sometimes falls off my kit belt.
39:28Your baton holder sometimes falls off your kit belt?
39:33Is that what you just said?
39:38Fuck it, Ellie, you're one of the Chuckle Brothers.
39:47Are you really police or do you just work at the police station?
39:54You're really police.
39:55What's your grade?
39:57What's the...?
39:58Ranked.
39:58Thank you, thank you.
40:00Well, cut that bit out.
40:01You won't get a credit, sorry.
40:05Hey, what's your rank?
40:08What's your rank?
40:09DC.
40:09PC, aw.
40:16Now you know, now you're in a room of people who are laughing at you.
40:21Ooh, ooh, things falling off.
40:23Now you know why you haven't progressed.
40:27But he's got such a nice face.
40:31The hell they lure you in?
40:34Say again.
40:35I'm waiting for my sergeant's promotion.
40:37You're waiting for your sergeant's promotion.
40:39Don't clap.
40:40He's going to drop his baton.
40:44Isn't it a good job we're not allowed guns here?
40:47You'd have no toes, would you, Flora?
40:55I love, I love that.
40:56What was your original answer?
40:57I've forgotten because I've asked you too many extra questions.
41:00Cable ties.
41:01Why have you got cable ties?
41:03To secure the baton holder to my belt.
41:08Why does it keep falling off though?
41:09I don't understand.
41:10Sorry, it doesn't normally take this long, sorry.
41:12I don't know.
41:13Just they'd buy as shit ones.
41:15They'd buy as shit ones.
41:18On the upside though, I've still got a pocket that I can put my Vicks in
41:22for when I'm dealing with their boss.
41:26Did you just say, on the upside, I've still got a pocket to put my Vicks in?
41:33Jaw, or...
41:35Jaw.
41:35Classic.
41:36Original.
41:37The orgy.
41:38I like it.
41:41Are you a police constable locally?
41:45No, good.
41:48You're all safe.
41:49Keep your wedge in, but you're all safe.
41:52Round of applause for the cable ties.
42:00Let me tell you one of my favourite answers.
42:02I was in York and a lady right this side of the front row.
42:05I said, what's the most unusual thing you have in your bag?
42:07A lady on this side of the front row said, Stilton cheese.
42:12And I said, is it wrapped?
42:13And the man behind I said, not well enough.
42:21And I've chatted to her for a bit.
42:22She was funny.
42:22I liked her a lot.
42:23I said, can I ask what's the real reason you've got Stilton cheese in your bag?
42:26She said, it's for medical reasons.
42:28And I said, that's clearly bullshit, right?
42:31She said, okay, have we got any doctors and nurses in the room?
42:33Loads of people went, yeah.
42:34I said, is there any medical reason why that lady would have Stilton cheese in her bag?
42:38And they all went, no.
42:39Apart from one lady on this side of the front row gave me a little wave.
42:42I said, what do you do, flower?
42:43She said, I'm a dermatologist.
42:44She said, in my opinion, I'm thinking, no proper medical opinion.
42:47She said, in my opinion, the only reason that lady would have Stilton cheese in her handbag
42:52is to mask the smell of her fanny.
43:03But they were in the same role.
43:05Like, they could see each other.
43:08And I think in another crowd, there might have been a fight.
43:11But because it was my lovely audience, the cheese lady just leant forward.
43:14And she went, she's probably right.
43:15It is a bit pongy.
43:21That's it, my dad, for a hospital appointment.
43:23Recently, we were in the waiting area of the hospital.
43:25And the whole time we were in the waiting area, I was putting anti-buck on my dad's hands.
43:27Anti-buck on his hands. Anti-buck on his hands.
43:29And at one point, he looked out at his hands and he went, when I die, these will still be
43:33alive.
43:36And they told us we had to put latex gloves on his hands.
43:38He had a dispenser on the wall, small, medium, large.
43:40My dad's got proper sort of dad meat shovel hands, so obviously I go for the large.
43:44I'm really struggling to get his hands in them, really struggling.
43:46It gave me flashbacks of last November when I was in John Lewis trying to get leather gloves for my
43:51hands.
43:52And the lady on the counter said, sorry, they just don't come that big.
43:56Fuck off, cows are massive.
44:06And I'm really struggling to get these latex gloves in my dad's hands.
44:09And at one point, he stopped me and he went, I never had this bother with Durex.
44:12Ah!
44:16But because this is my job, I automatically went, no, dad, you should say, I always had this bother with
44:21Durex.
44:22I mean, his joke better, his cock bigger, and it was harrowing for both of us.
44:30I've got a friend who's through her menopause.
44:32She's through, she's done on the other side, she's having a great time.
44:34There'll be women in this room going through the menopause right now, women in the perimenopause.
44:38There'll be women all done on the other side.
44:40There'll also be women like me who are still bleeding every fucking month.
44:43When is it my fucking turn?
44:45Sing this shit!
44:48I've even got a period app on my phone.
44:50Anybody's got a period app?
44:51Fucking useless, aren't they?
44:53Yeah, do you remember when we used to just write a P in our diaries?
44:57No more will crack the code.
45:03Even if I do it in a red pen.
45:08Period app needs a lot of information, asks a lot of questions.
45:11In order for it to come out with a fairly inaccurate calculation of when my next period is due,
45:16some of the questions I find quite baffling.
45:18One of the questions it asks is, what kind of sex are you having?
45:22And I'm like, what room, what hole? Narrow it down.
45:26Two answers to choose from.
45:28Unprotected and protected.
45:29The symbol for unprotected is flip-flops.
45:33What?
45:39The symbol for protected is wellies.
45:41What's happening?
45:45Are you asking if I've had sex or if I've been to Glastonbury?
45:47I don't know.
45:50Another question, a much more reasonable question, I think, for a period app,
45:52is how heavy is your flow?
45:53That's a much more reasonable question.
45:54Four answers to choose from for how heavy is your flow.
45:57Light, medium, heavy, and chunks.
46:03It's a great response.
46:04Some people are laughing, some people are groaning,
46:06some of the women are going, she's right, it's true.
46:11The other night we had a man right in the middle downstairs went like this.
46:14Urgh!
46:17Fucking pussy.
46:21But I'm diligent, I answer all the questions, and then it'll sort of buffer,
46:25like the fanny calculator's thinking.
46:28And it'll say, your next period is due in four days.
46:31And I go, guess again, bitch, and I show my phone my gusset.
46:36Does anybody else keep a sanitary towel on for longer than they should,
46:39just because it's comfy?
46:41But it's like a memory foam mattress for your fanny.
46:49But my friend who's through her menopause, she told me something,
46:52I don't think this is common knowledge.
46:53I certainly hadn't heard it before.
46:55She told me that when you're through your menopause, all done and dusted,
46:58DFS sends you a free white sofa.
47:07I was around the house, she's showing off, she said,
47:09do you like my new sofa?
47:10I said, it's lovely.
47:11She said, do you want to sit on it?
47:12I just started my period.
47:13I was like, no thanks, she went, go on.
47:14I said, no thanks, she went, go on.
47:16I said, look, unless you want that to look like a Japanese fucking flag,
47:19I'd leave it there for you.
47:26She said, do you want me to get a towel for you to sit on it?
47:29I said, hold on a minute, and I brought an Ibis Hotel bath mat.
47:31Worked a fucking treat.
47:38I've never had a bikini wax.
47:40I've got a friend who's only ever had bikini waxes for decades and decades.
47:43That's what she prefers, that's fair enough.
47:44She told me she likes how clean it makes her feel.
47:46That's a nice reason, I like that a lot.
47:47She also told me in confidence, in confidence.
47:51I didn't say her name, did I say her name?
47:53No, I said clay.
47:54No, good.
47:56She told me in confidence it gets very cold and her knickers in the winter months.
48:00I've offered, I'm still waiting to hear back from her,
48:02but I said, if you like, I could make you a little wig at me trimmings.
48:07It's a nice offer from a friend, isn't it?
48:11But the truth is, however you have your fanny is the right way,
48:14there's no wrong way, that's the glory of fannies.
48:16I tend to follow in a family tradition of sorts.
48:22As my old grandma used to say, if your fanny was supposed to be neat and tidy,
48:26it'd be on your forehead.
48:40I found some old school reports from when I was about 12 or 13,
48:44and I was going through them and I thought,
48:45I wonder if there's anything in here that would shed any light
48:47on why I was quite so quiet as a child or why I'm quite so noisy now.
48:51Let me read you some bits from my school reports.
48:54Here we go.
48:55The presentation of her written work could be neater,
48:58but the content is always well worth reading.
49:00That's basically saying I should talk for a living, I think.
49:03She has a tendency to daydream slightly,
49:06but this hasn't prevented her from obtaining a satisfactory exam result.
49:09Maybe I was thinking, and not daydreaming, Mrs. Fucking Cook,
49:13you stupid fucking cow.
49:19And I haven't changed her name because she's almost definitely dead.
49:28This is a bit left field.
49:29She has a good grasp of the principles of choreography.
49:33No, she fucking doesn't.
49:35Next, you're going to tell me she's also good at skiing that she's definitely never done.
49:39Now, you know your form teachers?
49:40You had your form teacher every day for the whole year.
49:42Not for very long every day, but every day nevertheless.
49:45And in this particular school report, there's only space for one line.
49:47They could only sum that kid up in one line.
49:49I thought that's so hard.
49:50They watched that kid grow as a student, as a person.
49:52How on earth to distill all that information you've learned over that whole year,
49:55down in just one sentence.
49:56That's so tricky.
49:58Turns out, not that tricky at all.
50:01She put a lot of effort into selling raffle tickets.
50:10For PE, it was just grades.
50:12Grades across the board.
50:13Grades for the sports that you did.
50:14No, so your behaviour, your qualities as well.
50:16Here we go.
50:16PE, effort, A.
50:18I like that they acknowledge that even though I was shit at all of it,
50:21it was clearly the best I could do.
50:25PE kit, A.
50:26Confidence, C.
50:27Leadership, C.
50:28That rings true for me.
50:29Rounders, C.
50:31Badminton, B.
50:31Oh, netball, yes.
50:38I love it.
50:38It's like the teacher was going,
50:39I remember she was there.
50:41Yeah, she was putting the balls back in the cupboard at the end,
50:43you stupid cow.
50:46By the way, if you do happen to have any of your own school reports
50:49knocking around at home, dig them out.
50:51Go through them.
50:52Get yourself a glass of wine.
50:53It's so cathartic to judge the people who once judged you.
50:56You remember a lot more than you think you will as well.
50:59They end up going through you like, legend.
51:00She was a legend.
51:01It was a legend.
51:01She's dead.
51:02Oh, that's a shame.
51:04He's dead.
51:05That's not a shame.
51:07Nonce, nonce, nonce.
51:12And finally, Sarah needs to develop more self-confidence
51:15in her practical skills.
51:17That was in home economics.
51:18I know exactly what that's referring to.
51:20There was a day we had to make a breakfast.
51:22There were kids cooking sausages and kids poaching eggs.
51:25And I just did frosties.
51:37I don't like women's magazines.
51:39Haven't liked women's magazines for a long time.
51:41I think women's magazines are damaging.
51:43I think they're bullshit.
51:44I think they can fuck off.
51:46Oh, thanks.
51:49But every now and again, one's just put in front of you.
51:52The hairdresser's at the dentist is just there.
51:53And sometimes I think, I'll have a look,
51:55see what they think women do these days.
51:56And the last one I looked at was an older lady magazine.
51:58So it still had position of the fortnight,
52:01but it was just sitting down having a cup of tea.
52:05They had an interview with a really powerful,
52:07impressive, successful woman.
52:09But the questions they asked her were so vacuous that it boiled my piss.
52:15I made a list of those questions,
52:16and I'm going to answer them for you right now.
52:18Here we go.
52:18Question number one.
52:20How do you feel about getting older?
52:22Controversial.
52:22This, I quite like it.
52:24I like how I look.
52:25I like how I feel.
52:26And I point blank refuse to feel ashamed for looking my fucking age.
52:35How do you stay in such great shape?
52:37I eat loads.
52:42Any plans to go under the knife?
52:44No, I plan on going under the fork.
52:49What's your relationship with your hair?
52:51These are genuine questions.
52:52What's your relationship with your hair?
52:54I use so much dry shampoo, I can't always get me knickers on.
53:03Would you take your child for a facial?
53:05No, because it would get all matted in his fur.
53:09If you're home alone, what would you do?
53:12I'd re-watch season one of Bridgerton, wank meself off and have a Twix.
53:23Still the best series, isn't it?
53:25Especially episodes five and seven.
53:29And finally, what are your style secrets?
53:32I have three pairs of leggings and I sniffed all three to see which smell the least of piss to
53:37wear for you tonight.
53:47I think to sum up through the process of pulling together stories of me as a kid and stories about
53:51me now, I've come to the conclusion that I haven't really changed very much at all.
53:55A lot of things about me are exactly the same.
53:58Like, I still love Chris.
54:00I still slightly love Jason Donovan.
54:04I still eat a lot of satsumas.
54:05They don't really call them that, though, these days.
54:07They call them easy.
54:07What is it?
54:08What do they call them?
54:08Easy.
54:09Chocolate oranges, that's right.
54:17I still haven't been skiing.
54:18That woman is determined it was a skiing trip.
54:20There is a small possibility that I went on the skiing trip, just didn't do any skiing, just stood at
54:24the side,
54:25and then put the skis back in the cupboard at the end.
54:29I still haven't been fingered on a New Year's Eve.
54:32Join in if you know it.
54:33No.
54:35Still can't shower in public.
54:37I went in a nice bar again with a couple of friends.
54:39They're lovely women, but they're those people.
54:40You know those people who are like, I'm just really comfortable with my body.
54:42You know those people?
54:43I'm just really comfortable with my body.
54:45There's a name for them.
54:45What's the name for them?
54:47Twats.
54:53The word I was not before was confident, but sure.
54:58Let's go with twats.
55:00They walk past all the private cubicles, and they're just drying themselves in front of the
55:03sinks in front of everybody, just drying themselves, chatting away to each other.
55:06And I'm trying to join that conversation through a wooden slatted door that I'd brought from home.
55:18But while I was quiet, almost invisible to some at school, I was different at home,
55:22much more myself at home.
55:24I was happy at home.
55:24I was confident at home.
55:26I was funny at home around the kitchen table in front of my mom and my dad and my sister.
55:30I think the main difference between me then and me now is that my kitchen table just got
55:34a lot fucking bigger.
55:35I wish I could go back to that 12-year-old me.
55:37First of all, I'd be like, keep that blazer.
55:39You're really blending when you work in the job center in your 20s.
55:43I'd love to go back to that 12-year-old me, because I'd love to be able to say,
55:46don't you worry about that bully.
55:48Because first of all, she doesn't matter, right?
55:51And secondly, in 37 years' time, I'm going to travel the world and tell everybody what an
55:56absolute fucking bitch she was.
56:06The only sex advice my mom ever gave me, she said,
56:09remember, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to.
56:13Which is why I'm fat and my husband is sad.
56:22Let me tell you one more thing.
56:23Has anybody seen the TV program Open House?
56:26Yes.
56:27If you haven't, you could be forgiven from the title, Open House,
56:30for thinking it's a property show.
56:31It's not a property show.
56:32It's a Channel 4 sex documentary.
56:34It's not a property show.
56:35It's not like filling Kirsty's erection, erection, erection.
56:40Holmes under the helmet.
56:44Escape to the cunt.
56:49It's a Channel 4 sex documentary.
56:51What happens at Open House is a couple, usually a heterosexual couple,
56:54will enter the Open House, which is full of sexually liberated people,
56:57with the idea they're going to open up their relationship,
56:59have some group sex experiment in various different ways.
57:02What it often is, is a woman who's a former slag and misses it.
57:07And a man who's trying to keep his marriage together.
57:10It's really quite romantic.
57:14The best one I've seen at Watch Your Future is for you guys,
57:16for research purposes, you understand.
57:18The best one I've seen is a couple, exactly as I described,
57:21deciding their wisdom, instead of having a foursome,
57:23just them and another couple,
57:25they decide to have an orgy with everybody else
57:27who's in the Open House at that time.
57:30They walk into a room which is dimly lit,
57:31because some people know how to light a room for sex.
57:35They come in front of us just a pile of people
57:37who've already started without them,
57:39they're all...
57:41Ah...
57:49One clown in there having the time of his fucking life.
57:56The woman in the couple immediately starts going down on another woman,
57:59and just nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.
58:01That's not the right sound, is it?
58:05I've never done that, but I've had it done to me
58:07and I would not mind that sound at all.
58:09Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.
58:12You know, when somebody's having corn on the cob?
58:15Yeah.
58:19So she's going down and this other lady having a lovely time.
58:22The man is standing...
58:27looking for an inn.
58:30It's one of the saddest things I think I've ever seen on television.
58:33It reminded me, you know, just before Christmas
58:35when you do your last food shop
58:36and you're driving around the car park looking for a space.
58:39It reminded me of that because he was like this.
58:45Is he pulling out? Is he pulling out?
58:54No, he's just straightening up.
58:58You've been amazing.
58:59Thank you so much.
59:00Lots of love.
59:00Good night.
59:01Thank you very much.
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