- 17 hours ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:20Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:22I am Roy Wood Jr.
00:23In the news this week, America's drunkest aunt
00:27makes wedding toast.
00:29All of you young people out there, keep having babies.
00:33That's my message tonight.
00:34Terminator, sent back in time, fails to complete mission.
00:38I was the product of an unplanned teen pregnancy.
00:41U.S. Olympic ice dancing team takes shape.
00:51On Amber's team tonight, you know it from Conan.
00:54It's podcast Three Questions with Andy Richter
00:55and Dancing with the Stars tonight.
00:57He's going to do some verbal dancing with these stars.
01:00Welcome back to the show, Andy Richter.
01:02Hello.
01:06And joining team Michael, she's an Emmy Award winner
01:09who's worked everywhere from the Hollywood Reporter to InStyle.
01:13Currently, she's the CEO and Editor-in-Chief of Ankler Media,
01:16but apparently she still won't introduce me to Holly Berry.
01:20It's Janis Mint.
01:24Let's do it in 2026.
01:27Now for the biggest stories of the week for the first time this year.
01:30Amber, Andy, watch the clips.
01:32Okay.
01:32Tell me, what is the story?
01:35Okay, so Trump tries to clap on beat.
01:37He can't.
01:38Words too small for him to read.
01:40That's right.
01:41And, oh man, the price of groceries.
01:43Oh, groceries.
01:44Oh, have they gone down?
01:46Oh, okay, yeah.
01:47It's a year of this Trump term, and we're in the shitter.
01:53You know, the shitter is a relative assessment, but I'll give you points.
01:58Yay!
01:59Yes.
02:00The story is the first year of Trump's second term is behind us one down,
02:04only 39 more years to go.
02:07And this week, the president reminded us all
02:10that he literally wrote the book on accomplishment.
02:14These are all, each line is something that we did.
02:16Nobody did that before.
02:19And it's big stuff, too.
02:21Look, we have the hottest country in the world.
02:26I would certainly agree that nobody has done what he has done.
02:31I would agree with that.
02:33I would agree with that.
02:33He said he's accomplished some things in the first year.
02:36He's compiled them all into a book.
02:38Let's hear some of the accomplishments.
02:41And this is something, oh, I'm glad my finger wasn't in that sucker.
02:45They could have done some damage, but you know what?
02:47I wouldn't have shown the pain.
02:49I would have gone back.
02:50Wait, did you hear that?
02:52That was nasty.
02:54But I would not have shown the pain.
02:56I would have acted like nothing happened as my finger fell off.
03:00Are we sure his finger isn't falling off?
03:03That was obviously his first encounter with office supplies.
03:08I mean, people say that there aren't accomplishments,
03:10but if you want to see accomplishments under this term,
03:14just look at what the president has done with Washington, D.C.
03:17D.C. is now, you can walk right from here to a restaurant,
03:20right through the center of town.
03:22You can be with your child, with your loved one, with your lover.
03:28Your lover's not going to be killed anymore, so you can act like a real lover.
03:31Was he saying you could walk to a restaurant with your child, comma...
03:42It's not all binders full of accomplishments.
03:45According to a fact check by the New York Times, quote,
03:51What?
03:55Trump made a lot of promises to win the 2024 election,
04:00so we're going to do a little fact-checking to see what promises he kept
04:04and which promises he broke and whether or not it matters.
04:08Uh, first one, uh, Trump was in Switzerland this week
04:11for the World Economic Forum, so let's start with the U.S. economy.
04:16Here's Trump on the campaign trail back in 2024.
04:19Starting on day one, we will end inflation
04:22and make America affordable again.
04:24It's not affordable now.
04:26People are dying.
04:27They can't afford bacon.
04:29They can't afford anything.
04:30That was terrible when people were dying from bacon starvation.
04:34That was terrible.
04:36Where are we now?
04:38With inflation.
04:39Is America affordable again, Amber?
04:41Well, if affordable means hard to purchase,
04:47then yes, he really has.
04:49I mean, look who he surrounds himself with, right?
04:51Billionaires, the wealthiest people.
04:53Janice, I have to interrupt because you're talking about affordability
04:56and I keep staring at these gorgeous diamond earrings.
05:00Michael!
05:01What?
05:01I said they're gorgeous.
05:03They're embarrassing, man!
05:04In front of my new friend!
05:06They're gorgeous.
05:07That's what I said.
05:08I let them gorgeous.
05:09Trump had that to say in 2024 about the economy.
05:12Let's see where we are right now.
05:13President Trump has still not made good on his day one promise to lower grocery prices.
05:18Despite his claims that they're going down, grocery prices actually rose.
05:232.4% for Americans over the last year.
05:26My judge of the economy is how many of my comedian friends on Instagram are now trying to sell themselves
05:32doing cameos.
05:35We are in the toilet.
05:38Andy, ask Michael if he's on cameos.
05:43Now, let's be fair.
05:45The administration is still very hard at work on the economy, especially grocery prices.
05:51In fact, Agriculture Secretary Brooke Rollins went viral this month with some grocery price calculations of her own.
05:58Question?
05:58What daily meal does Agriculture Secretary Brooke Rollins say only costs $3?
06:08Two Costco hot dogs.
06:10Healthy meal.
06:11Oh!
06:12One Costco hot dog.
06:15It was, she described it as a piece of chicken, a corn tortilla, a piece of broccoli, and something else.
06:27Let's hear it from Brooke.
06:29It can cost around $3 a meal for a piece of chicken, a piece of broccoli, you know, corn tortilla,
06:36and one other thing.
06:39What the fuck does this bitch eat?
06:41We said before the show we weren't going to curse, and we...
06:47Let's start over.
06:48Let's start over.
06:49Okay, now we're not going to cuss.
06:50And also, how do you go to the grocery store and, like, one floret?
06:53That's right.
06:55Now, the economy has always been one issue with the president in the first year.
06:59The other issue, some would say the biggest issue, is immigration.
07:03Now, ICE has their sights set on the state of Maine.
07:07Christy Noem's DHS, they love to give little cutesy operation names to what ICE is doing.
07:12In North Carolina, it was called Operation Charlotte's Web.
07:16And in Florida, it was called Operation Tidal Wave.
07:19What is the new operation name for the immigration movement that's going to be happening in the state of Maine?
07:25Operation what, Epstein Files?
07:31It's called Operation Catch of the Day.
07:34Wow.
07:35Oh, my God.
07:36Damn.
07:37I guess, because when you get a bunch of ICE agents together, it is known as a shrimp fest.
07:44So, Trump has kept some of his promises and broken others, and there's a binder full of accomplishments, but it's
07:51on the floor.
07:53Question, how has everything that Trump has either done or not done affected his popularity in his first year?
08:01Poorly, right?
08:0235% approval rating?
08:04Here's CNN's Harry Enten breaking down how America feels about Trump right now.
08:09The only person who is even lower than Donald Trump when it comes to his net approval rating at this
08:15point into term number two is Richard Nixon.
08:18And according to those Epstein Files, that's not the first time Trump's been under Bubba.
08:30Is it possible for the president to turn this around in his third term?
08:38I mean, you know, like, I think the thing that confounds me is, like, he's a lame duck president, right?
08:45And you still have all the Republicans around him just terrified.
08:50I think it's terrifying to them to think that they're going to, like, incur his wrath.
08:55And, I mean, there are things that have happened in our culture now where people are getting, like, judges are
09:00getting shot at their homes, right?
09:01Like, that he will, like, run Marjorie Taylor Greene out of office.
09:05Like, it is...
09:06All right, so he's done some good things.
09:09His plan is to do whatever he wants for four years.
09:13And then, right before the next election, he's going to offer everyone $1,700, like before.
09:23And then people are going to be like, well, $1,700.
09:26Michael and Janice, watch the clip.
09:28Tell me, what is the story?
09:30Oh, there's that same guy.
09:32Yeah.
09:33I don't know what flag...
09:34Oh, is that Greenland's flag?
09:35Or Denmark's?
09:36I'm going to say this is about Greenland's final answer.
09:41Point.
09:41Oh, yes.
09:43Yes.
09:44Trump says we need Greenland, quote, for the purpose of national security.
09:49Sure.
09:50He's been obsessed with Greenland since 2019, telling the Times journalist, quote,
09:53You take a look at a map.
09:55I love maps.
09:56And I always said, look at the size of this.
09:59It's massive.
10:00That should be a part of the United States.
10:03Why does Trump think Greenland is so huge?
10:08When he holds his hand up to the map, he's like, wow.
10:12Part of why Donald Trump thinks that Greenland is so damn big is because of something called the Mercator projection.
10:17And it's a map-making distortion that makes Greenland look bigger than even Africa.
10:21Oh, my God.
10:22Even though, in reality, Africa is 14 times larger than Greenland.
10:28What made Trump so angry that Greenland became a priority for him?
10:31He wrote this fascinating message to the prime minister of Denmark, or Norway, saying, uh, hey, you didn't give me
10:39the Nobel Peace Prize, so I guess I got to take Greenland.
10:43Here's what he texted the prime minister of Norway last weekend.
10:47Dear Jonas, considering your country decided not to give me the Nobel Peace Prize for having stopped eight wars plus,
10:53I no longer feel an obligation to think purely of peace.
10:56What is the problem with Trump's argument in that regard?
11:00He- that he's the opposite of peace?
11:03The government of Norway does not give out the Nobel Peace Prize, as Norwegian Prime Minister Jona Garstor said in
11:12a statement, quote,
11:14I have clearly explained- that's my- that's my Norwegian accent.
11:18I like that accent.
11:19I have clearly explained, including to President Trump, what is well known.
11:23The prize is awarded by an independent Nobel Committee and not the Norwegian government.
11:29government, stop fucking calling me, man.
11:35How do Greenlanders feel about maybe becoming the 51st state?
11:42Well, all 12 of them got together and said, uh-uh, no way.
11:47Here's a Greenlander explaining why Trump's plan is dumb as hell.
11:51Watch.
11:51We wouldn't give up free health care.
11:53We wouldn't give up free education.
11:56We don't really value cash and Kardashian lips and fake boobs and stuff like that very highly.
12:04Well, that's going too far.
12:06Why does she have to drag us like that?
12:08No way.
12:09Dang.
12:10But you know why they don't value vapid plastic surgeries up there?
12:14It's because they're everybody in a coat.
12:16You can't see that ass.
12:19But it all came to a head earlier this week at a World Economic Forum in Davos, where Trump laid
12:25out his master plan for territorial expansion.
12:28Take a look.
12:29Everyone talks about the minerals.
12:31There's so many places.
12:32There's no rare earth.
12:33No such thing as rare earth.
12:35But there's so much rare earth.
12:38And this is to get to this rare earth.
12:40Yes, you settled other wars that were Vladimir Putin called me, Armenian, Aber, Bajan.
12:48Do I have dementia or does he?
12:52You don't know about rare earth?
12:55Rare earth?
12:56You never heard of rare earth.
12:58Rare earth?
12:58Rare earth.
12:59Rare earth.
12:59Rare earth.
13:00It's so important these days.
13:02You've got to get that.
13:04Question, does anyone know what happened after Trump's speech on Wednesday that may have proven his strategy about Greenland right
13:13or wrong?
13:14Honestly, I have no idea.
13:15They started to negotiate, right?
13:19And Denmark kind of gave some concessions, like you can come over here and we invite you to build some
13:25military bases that already exist.
13:27Plus some.
13:28And then what else am I missing?
13:31Nothing.
13:31That's it.
13:34Here's CBS with the details.
13:36Based upon a very productive meeting that I have had with the Secretary General of NATO, Mark Ruta, we have
13:41formed the framework of a future deal with respect to Greenland and, in fact, the entire Arctic region.
13:47This solution, if consummated, will be a great one for the United States of America and all NATO nations.
13:54Why would you say consummate?
13:55Why can't you just say we did it?
13:57Mm-hmm.
14:00Is Greenland the 51st state officially now?
14:03Well, I mean, the stock market collapsed when he got aggressive about Greenland.
14:06And then because Trump always has to present everything as a win, then the next day he can say there's
14:11a deal, you know.
14:12Here's NATO Secretary General Mark Ruta on Fox with the answer.
14:17Greenland still, is it still under the Kingdom of Denmark in this framework deal?
14:26That issue did not come up anymore in my conversations tonight, Mr. Pleasant.
14:30What's going on with the details?
14:32The details didn't come up.
14:33He also said in that, too, he said, which he said this before, we have the framework of a deal.
14:38Oh, he said we have the framework for a future deal.
14:40Yeah, the framework.
14:41Framework just means an empty adult diaper of nothingness.
14:46But when talking about Trump, the adult diaper is rarely empty, Andy.
14:53Details of the deal are scarce, but the reviews of Trump's time in Davos are pouring in.
15:00How do you think our friends at Fox News felt about Trump's appearance?
15:06They think he consummated that appearance.
15:10Here's Greg Gutfeld on the issue.
15:13Love him or hate him, when he leaves that room, everybody there felt like America first threw up all over
15:20them.
15:21I don't disagree with that analysis at all.
15:25And that's somebody who likes Trump.
15:27What did Trump launch this week to replace our international alliances?
15:34It's some fun name, like the Peace Police, the Peace Group.
15:38Peace Posse, Peace Posse, final answer.
15:41On Thursday, Donald Trump launched the Board of Peace.
15:46Yes, Trump led a signing ceremony for the Board of Peace, saying it would work on peace in the Middle
15:53East and hinting at wider ambitions.
15:55B-O-A-R-D or B-O-R-E-D?
15:58Oh, that's good.
16:01Are you Board of Peace?
16:04Hit him with a missile.
16:06So far, the countries that have accepted the invitation to join the Board of Peace include Bahrain, Azerbaijan, Bulgaria, Hungary,
16:17Kazakhstan, Kosovo, Mongolia, Saudi Arabia, and Uzbekistan.
16:21Oh, wow.
16:22Some good names on that.
16:23Sure, sure.
16:24Peaceful name, we got Bahrain, we got Kosovo.
16:26Is it Azerbaijan?
16:28Yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:30Let's see how Trump pronounce it.
16:32Ab-er-bay-john.
16:34Any foreign word out of his mouth sounds like a stripper name.
16:37Oh, my God.
16:39Please welcome to the stage, Azerbaijan.
16:41Ab-er-bay-john.
16:45She stands in November rain by Guns N' Roses.
16:49It's Azerbaijan.
16:51Now, we know who's in, but which countries have denied to join the Board of Peace?
16:57Declined every other country.
17:00Several countries have declined Trump's invitation to the Board of Peace, including France, which resulted in Trump saying he would
17:07put a 200% tariff on wine and champagne.
17:11Yeah, you don't want to join my super friends, bitch.
17:14I'm going to tax all of that Ziffindale.
17:17Oh, my God.
17:18That was Ziffindale.
17:19Zinfindale?
17:20Zinfindale.
17:23Now, coming to the stage, Zinfindale.
17:35Welcome back.
17:36It is time for the Offend-O-Meter.
17:39Teams have to tell us who's the offender, what they did, and who they offended.
17:43Let's see your offender, teams.
17:46Oh, that's Eric Swalwell.
17:47It is.
17:48And who did Eric Swalwell offend?
17:51Eric Spitwell?
17:52Oh.
17:57Put your hand up.
17:59Put your hand up.
18:03I'm going to go with Eric Spitwell.
18:06Swalwell offended Congressional Republicans.
18:10Now, how did he offend?
18:12Oh, this one I know.
18:14He called them all liars and phonies because they make fun of Trump behind his back.
18:20And that, but yet they insulted all the January 6th police that were there.
18:25Uh, yeah.
18:26Points.
18:30Spitwell is pretty good, though.
18:34Congressman Swalwell.
18:39Swalwell offended Republicans in Congress by calling them out in a congressional hearing.
18:44To their face, on Thursday, former special counsel Jack Smith testified before the House
18:48Judiciary Committee about his investigations into Trump.
18:52And during those hearings, Congressman Swalwell let his real feelings fly.
18:57My Republican colleagues are a joke.
18:59They're wrong.
19:01History will harshly judge them.
19:03These guys are so lucky they're not under oath.
19:05Because they would have to tell you what they really think of Trump.
19:09They call him crooked.
19:11They call him cruel.
19:13They call him a scumbag.
19:15I've heard you all say it.
19:16But when the lights go on and the cameras are on, you're tiny.
19:19You're small.
19:20You shrink.
19:21Oh, thank you.
19:23Just saying.
19:25This is a man trying to get elected to be governor of California now, right?
19:30So, like, has he been saying this all along or only in the campaign year?
19:34So what?
19:35I know.
19:36Let him say stuff like that that then gets put out there and then other people get brave
19:40enough to say shit like that.
19:41Points for that because no one's saying it at all.
19:43Yes, yes.
19:44Okay.
19:44Fair.
19:44But if he's ultimately trying to run on something that he just recently started platforming,
19:51does he seem sincere to you?
19:53Ain't none of them motherfuckers sincere?
19:55Is that up to this guy?
19:57Let him say the good thing we need this country to be doing.
20:01Let him have it.
20:02Let us at least hear it.
20:03Let it fall on my ears and bring me an ounce of joy.
20:07Yeah.
20:08Now, what was the purpose of that hearing?
20:10Oh, it was Jack Smith.
20:11It was the final report on the January 6th stuff.
20:14Yes.
20:14Yes, it was.
20:15The hearing was to review the work of Jack Smith's Office of Special Counseling and their
20:19investigation into one Donald Trump.
20:21And while the testimony was happening, Donald Trump threw one of his signature truth social
20:27temper tantrums saying things like, quote, deranged Jack Smith is being decimated before
20:32Congress, and Jack Smith is a deranged animal who shouldn't be allowed to practice law.
20:40It's kind of a sign of progress that he called a white man an animal.
20:44It's just nice to spread it around.
20:47Oh, my God.
20:48Now, question.
20:49Uh, given Trump's measured thoughtful response, what do you think Jack Smith might have said
20:56during the hearing about the president?
20:59That bitch is a crook.
21:01Here's the former special counsel making one thing very clear.
21:05President Trump engaged in a criminal scheme to overturn the results and prevent the lawful
21:11transfer of power.
21:12President Trump illegally kept classified documents at his Mar-a-Lago social club.
21:17Our investigation developed proof beyond a reasonable doubt that President Trump engaged
21:22in criminal activity.
21:23That guy is deranged.
21:25Animal.
21:26Now, there were a lot of interesting things that happened at this hearing, but there was
21:31one key moment involving the Capitol Police, and before I play this clip, question to the
21:36panel.
21:37If you had the chance to confront your mortal enemy at a congressional hearing, what would
21:46you say to them?
21:47I would say, go fuck yourself.
21:53I mean, I'm just spitballing.
21:56Or swallowballing.
21:59There's a moment in the hearing when Republican Congressman Troy Nail speaks directly to the
22:04officers who fought to protect members of Congress during the January 6th uprising.
22:10And let's just say those officers don't agree with him.
22:15I would like to quickly address the police officers on January 6th.
22:19I can tell you, gentlemen, that the fault does not lie with Donald Trump.
22:24It lies with Yogananda Pittman and the U.S. Capitol leadership team.
22:30We know, we know, they had the intelligence.
22:41I thought you were kidding.
22:50Also, bonus points for covering his mouth, because measles is back.
23:00It's going around.
23:02All right, let's see your offender.
23:04Who's this?
23:06Oh, that is a greasy child.
23:10Is that?
23:11Yeah, it's Brooklyn Beckham.
23:13Right, Brooklyn Beckham?
23:14Oh, yeah.
23:14Yeah, yeah.
23:15I just learned who this was this week.
23:18I'm so caught up in black people gossip, this one slipped through the cracks.
23:23I'm sorry, we're too busy having Tayanna Taylor discourse in the black community right now.
23:28That is British media personality and a pot dealer in every after-school special.
23:35Brooklyn Beckham.
23:36Pull him back up again, does he not?
23:38Yeah, yeah.
23:39Oh, my God.
23:41That's shiny Brad.
23:42He looked like the dude in the Lifetime movie who'd walk up to the,
23:45Where are you going, Olivia?
23:46Yeah, yeah.
23:48He's not abusive, he's just firm.
23:50Yeah.
23:50What are you doing?
23:53Who did Brooklyn Beckham offend?
23:56His parents.
23:57Hmm.
23:58Yes, he did.
23:59Brooklyn Beckham offended his parents, Victoria and David Beckham, seen here saying,
24:04We saw you from across the bar and wondering if you...
24:09Wanted to know if you wanted to buy some Botox.
24:12For $1 million.
24:14So we know who he offended.
24:16How did Brooklyn Beckham offend you?
24:18I only know this story because my wife read it to me from her phone in bed.
24:23Yeah, it was exciting.
24:25But, Andy, like, no one understands it still.
24:27No one really understands what this is about.
24:29I'm not 100% sure what happened, but this is what I heard during lunch.
24:33Hmm.
24:34The woman said that she wanted the first dance with her son.
24:39She danced with him inappropriately.
24:41Yeah.
24:41That made everybody feel bad and embarrassed her son.
24:45Brooklyn Beckham first took to Instagram earlier this week to share some truth bombs about the family.
24:51In an Instagram post that I can only describe as if War and Peace was somehow the introduction to an
24:58even longer book.
25:00He tears into his parents.
25:02He said all types of stuff in all of those swipes.
25:04He said things like, quote,
25:12He's saying that basically the family only cares about making money on some Kardashian-type stuff.
25:17And I don't really think that's true because just a quick look shows that the Beckham family has only done
25:23ads for, you know,
25:24Brill Cream, Pepsi, Adidas, something called Vodafone, Uber Eats, perfume, watches, whiskey, skincare, a fashion line.
25:32I'm sorry, that's all we have time for to mention right now.
25:35Do they do cameos?
25:40Because that is the mark of desperation.
25:43Brooklyn went on in his Instagram post to say that his family was not happy with a particular person in
25:48his life.
25:49Who is that person? Andy Rick.
25:50Oh, the wife.
25:51Yes. It's Brooklyn's wife, Nicola Peltz Beckham.
25:55Seen here about to sneeze.
25:58Here's what happened at what was supposed to be the happy couple's first dance.
26:02My mom hijacked my first dance with my wife.
26:05Mark Anthony called me to the stage where my mom was waiting to dance with me instead.
26:11She danced very inappropriately on me in front of everyone.
26:14Danced inappropriately on me.
26:17Yeah, yeah.
26:18She was backing it up, dude.
26:20Yeah.
26:20It's actually kind of sweet for you to drag your entire family for your brand new wife.
26:27That's nice.
26:28Here's the Beckham's wedding DJ, Fat Tony.
26:33Here's Fat Tony earlier this week setting the scene.
26:37Mark Anthony was performing on stage.
26:40He then called Brooklyn onto stage where the next minute it was everyone was expecting it to be Nicola to
26:47go up and do the first dance.
26:49And then he asks the most beautifulest woman in the room to come to the stage.
26:53And then he says, Victoria, come to the stage.
26:57I was expecting I heard fat.
26:59I was not expecting that.
27:00He should be called Ozampic Tony.
27:04He was fat before he took all that E.
27:06My God.
27:09Where's the video?
27:11When do we see this?
27:12The description is one thing, but this is a moment you have to see to believe.
27:16But unfortunately, even TMZ claims that the wedding dance video will never be seen.
27:23Ever.
27:24But that's what they think, because here at Have I Got News for you, we've obtained exclusive access to some
27:33salacious dance footage.
27:35Roll it.
27:54That was the Fend-O-Meter.
28:08Welcome back.
28:09It's time for Lie Curious.
28:12I give you three biographical details about a public figure, but only one is true.
28:16You have to guess which is the truth and which are odious, unspeakable lies.
28:21Time now for three facts about recently promoted CBS News anchor and man who has the perfect Joe line, Tony
28:30DiCoppo.
28:31A fact saw he bought a Pez dispenser in every state.
28:34His father was a marijuana kingpin.
28:37He's the reigning East Coast champion of How I Met Your Mother trivia.
28:42Wow.
28:43Which one is the truth?
28:45It's Pez.
28:45That jumped out to me, too, right?
28:47Like, that's such a nerdy news dude thing to do.
28:50Yes.
28:50Marijuana kingpin.
28:51Final answer.
28:52Marijuana kingpin over there.
28:53Pez.
28:54Pez.
28:54Tony DiCoppo's father was a marijuana kingpin.
28:57What?
28:58What?
29:01Yes.
29:01I'm 420 friendly.
29:03Oh, my God.
29:05A marijuana kingpin, or as NPR's Fresh Air so eloquently put it.
29:10If you smoked Colombian weed in the 1970s and 80s, our guest, Tony DiCoppo, would like to thank you.
29:17He says you paid for his swim lessons and kept him in the best private school in South Florida.
29:22Oh, my God.
29:23But don't worry, even after serving a little bit of jail time, DiCoppo's dad gets to enjoy life as he
29:28turns a question about the money he made selling weed into talking about what he's really into.
29:35Three million, maybe four or five million.
29:38Most of it, he says, went to feed his addictions to drugs and women.
29:43It was just fun.
29:44I mean, I love women.
29:45I love to be around them, but I never get a chance to do that, so I'm estranged from them.
29:51In the present, but you had a nice run.
29:54Oh, my, oh, my.
29:59Oh, my God.
30:02Say something, when a man closes his eyes to remember that thing.
30:06Oh, that was a good one.
30:08He remembered her so well, it made his mustache leave.
30:15Time for three facts about Minnesota senator and a woman who isn't going to let you leave till you try
30:20her tater tot hot dish.
30:23Amy Klobuchar.
30:25The senator was in the news this week when she filed paperwork to run for governor of Minnesota.
30:30Our facts about Amy Klobuchar are she carries jumper cables in her purse.
30:37She forbids anyone on her Senate staff from getting her hairstyle.
30:43Wow.
30:44She raised $17,000 from ex-boyfriends for her Senate campaign.
30:49I like that one.
30:50I want all of these to be true.
30:51Which one is the truth?
30:52Yeah, yeah.
30:52I want her to forbid people from getting her hair cut because that's fun.
30:57My eyes sort of went to number three.
30:59I agree.
31:00Maybe in the first Senate campaign, she reaches out to her exes and they sent her a very little amount
31:05of money.
31:06Amy Klobuchar raised $17,000 from ex-boyfriends for her Senate campaign.
31:13Here she is talking about it in 2019.
31:16I set a Senate record one year by raising $17,000 from ex-boyfriends.
31:25I did that.
31:27Oh my God.
31:29Amy just calls you up.
31:30Hey, Jimmy, it's Amy.
31:31He goes, mm.
31:37How much you need better, huh?
31:43It's time for Missing Words.
31:47Here's your headline.
31:48Blank could protect your brain and prevent Alzheimer's.
31:53Helmets.
31:53What?
31:54What I want it to be is alcohol.
31:58Is it alcohol?
31:59Yeah, yeah.
32:00Rory, is it alcohol?
32:02Sniffing your own farts.
32:04No.
32:06Could protect your brain.
32:08And prevent Alzheimer's.
32:10Wow.
32:11I'm going to live forever.
32:13I'm going to live forever.
32:18I like it.
32:19It's sniffing.
32:20Like, that's way more active than smelling.
32:23Sniffing, it means you liked it.
32:25Yeah, yeah, yeah.
32:25Oh my God.
32:26Yuck.
32:26The scientists gave mice Alzheimer's symptoms and then exposed them to a gas which we call
32:32hydrogen sulfide.
32:33It's what makes your farts farts.
32:35It's what makes it funky.
32:36Researchers observed that mice exposed to the gas regained better memory function and were
32:42physically more responsive than the control group.
32:45Can I just beg you to cut this from this episode?
32:51No.
32:52You're ruining my life, Roy.
32:55That's been Missing Words.
33:09It's time for Meet in the Middle where we find common ground between two different people
33:13who would never, ever be caught hanging out.
33:16Right on one side, we've got Melania Trump, Jean Smart, Conor Story, and Kim Kardashian.
33:22And on the other side, Kamala Harris, Vladimir Putin, Mitt Romney, and Charlie Sheen.
33:29Can I just ask a clarifying question?
33:31This guy, is he from that heated rivalry?
33:33Is that who that guy is?
33:34Conor Story, yes.
33:35He's from that gay porn show on Netflix.
33:38It's a hockey show.
33:40Is it, though?
33:41Yes.
33:43There's a lot of fucking.
33:47First up, we've got smokes bottles.
33:50Which two of these people have both advertised cigarettes?
33:55Melania, was she in a cigarette commercial before she got here?
33:59That's a possibility.
34:00It's not good, and you don't need the money.
34:02It's not the hockey guy.
34:05He's just a hockey guy.
34:07Yeah.
34:08I think it's Jean Smart and Charlie Sheen.
34:10Okay.
34:11I also like your idea that Melania may have done cigarette commercials in Azerbaijan.
34:16Slovenian Salem, if you will.
34:19Right.
34:19Let's have Melania.
34:21For the black Russian.
34:22The only thing is...
34:27We're going to go with Melania and Putin.
34:29Charlie Sheen and Melania Trump.
34:32All right.
34:33That's right.
34:33Those have been in ads for cigarettes.
34:36Melania appeared in a 1997 print ad for Camel Cigarettes.
34:41Wow.
34:41And Charlie Sheen appeared in a Japanese ad for Parliament Cigarettes in the early 90s.
34:47Yes.
34:48Please watch.
34:48Yes.
34:48Yes.
34:49Yes.
34:49Why everything's the same as it was.
34:56That's so glamorous.
34:57So glamorous.
34:59Next up, we've got Hexy Grandmas.
35:02Which two of these people descended from accused witches at the Salem Witch Trials?
35:07Oh.
35:09My eye went right to Mitt Romney.
35:11Yeah.
35:12That seems right, doesn't it?
35:14He's got some witch in him.
35:15And then I want to go with Jean Smart.
35:16Let's go with Jean Smart.
35:17I would do Jean Smart.
35:17I think Mitt Romney is right.
35:19Yeah.
35:19And I think it is, uh, Conor, what's it, yeah, Conor Cutie.
35:23Mitt Romney and Jean Smart.
35:26Wow.
35:26They won again.
35:27Both descended from accused witches.
35:31Mitt Romney is a descendant of accused witch Rebecca Nurse.
35:35Oh, she was the worst of them.
35:38Would anybody like to guess the name of the accused witch that Jean Smart descended from?
35:45Oh, imagine if it was Hannah Einbinder.
35:48That'd be cool.
35:50The accused witch that Jean Smart is descended from was named Dorcas Whore.
36:02That's the Latin name for a slutty nerd.
36:08Here's Jean learning about great-grandma whore.
36:11What we have here is a document that explains items that are suspected to be stolen by Dorcas
36:17Whore, your eighth great-grandmother.
36:20Whoa.
36:21A well-grown pig.
36:23A well-grown...
36:24Does that mean just a big pig?
36:25Yeah.
36:27Cat burglars.
36:28I come from cat burglars.
36:30That sounds like a Hogwarts stripper.
36:33Yeah, yeah.
36:34Now coming to the stage, Dorcas Whore.
36:39All right, let's do flaw in order.
36:42Which two of these people have both failed the bar exam?
36:46Oh.
36:46Well, we know Kim Kardashian.
36:48Oh, yeah, many.
36:48Famously.
36:49Yeah, yeah.
36:49Famously.
36:50And it has to be Kamala Harris.
36:53Putin has never failed at anything in his life.
36:55No, no.
36:56In Russia, bar fail you.
37:00Kim Kardashian and Kamala Harris have both failed the bar exam.
37:04You can read all about it in Kamala's book.
37:06Don't you pin this shit on me.
37:08It wasn't my fault.
37:11And because she is a Kardashian, there is footage of the exact moment Kim found out she failed.
37:24I didn't make it.
37:25How do you know?
37:26How do you know?
37:27It says fail.
37:30She's the sharpest knife in that drawer.
37:33We didn't get to Conor Story and Vladimir Putin, but they both do a Russian accent, and they both have
37:38too many pictures without their shirts on.
37:40More after the break.
37:53Welcome back.
37:54It's time for Which is Higher?
37:56It seems I'll give you two unrelated numbers from the news.
37:58You tell me, which is higher?
38:00All right.
38:01The number of women who have served on the Supreme Court since its creation in 1789, or the number of
38:08men who have hosted Family Feud.
38:11Oh, wow.
38:12Okay, so let's get down to business.
38:15Steve Harvey.
38:16Richard Dawson.
38:17Richard Dawson.
38:18The guy with the gap tooth.
38:20Louie Anderson.
38:21Ray Combs.
38:22Ray Combs.
38:23Ray Combs.
38:24Yeah, Ray Combs.
38:25Oh, and Richard Karn did it.
38:27Oh, Richard Karn.
38:30Now from Home Improvement.
38:31It might be a tie, because I think there's five women, right?
38:34Sandra Day O'Connor, Kagan, What's-Your-Face Brown.
38:38And Steve Harvey.
38:40Sotomayor.
38:40And Steve Harvey.
38:42I think it's five.
38:43And Comey Barrett.
38:44The number of female Supreme Court justices is six.
38:48Six.
38:49Sandra Day O'Connor.
38:50Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
38:51Ginsburg.
38:51Sonia Sotomayor.
38:53Ginsburg.
38:54Ellen Kagan.
38:55Amy Coney Barrett.
38:56And Ketanji Brown Jackson.
38:58The number of Family Feud hosts is seven.
39:02Oh!
39:04Oh!
39:04Janet Dawson.
39:05Ray Combs.
39:07Yep.
39:07Louis Anderson.
39:08Richard Karn.
39:09What the fuck is that?
39:10John O'Hurley.
39:10John O'Hurley.
39:11John O'Hurley.
39:11Steve Harvey.
39:12And Al Roker.
39:14Al Roker?
39:15When?
39:16When did that happen?
39:17Al Roker did about two years of Celebrity Family Feud.
39:20No way.
39:21That doesn't count.
39:22It's the Feud.
39:24It counts.
39:25That doesn't count.
39:26This is CNN.
39:26We're about facts.
39:27All right.
39:29Did you ever do Celebrity Family Feud?
39:30You did Jeopardy?
39:31You did Dancing with the Strong?
39:32Yes.
39:32We did Celebrity Family Feud and we lost and my wife didn't speak to me for a week.
39:37What?
39:39Question to the panel.
39:40Who's your all-time favorite Family Feud host?
39:42It is Steve Harvey.
39:44Steve Harvey crushes them all.
39:47I like Steve Harvey because he, like, makes you feel good even with a dumb guest.
39:52It's okay, player.
39:53Nobody else guessed it, but you believed in yourself.
39:57Y'all didn't win no money at all, but it's okay, big dog.
40:01I don't know.
40:02We can always argue who the best host was of Family Feud, but I think we all know who the
40:07favorite contestant was of Family Feud.
40:11Everybody, let's go meet the Ruffin family.
40:15Let's go.
40:16Thank you so much for asking me, Steve Harvey.
40:18I've never made love in a blank.
40:21Bed.
40:22Bed?
40:23That's right, bed.
40:24I'm sorry.
40:26Oh, my God.
40:28Look at his face.
40:31He was not having my shit at all.
40:35That was Witch's Hour.
40:44It's time for a new game we call, Who's That Baby?
40:49I'll show you a famous person's baby picture, and you tell me, who's that baby?
40:55Here are your clues.
40:56They're part of a shipping and railroad dynasty.
40:59They had cameos in the movie Chappie and Batman vs. Superman.
41:04And they're not a big drinker, except famously once a year.
41:09Oh, Anderson Cooper.
41:11Oh, Anderson Cooper.
41:11Anderson Cooper.
41:12Oh.
41:13That baby is Anderson Cooper.
41:16Yay.
41:17That was Who's That Baby?
41:19I want to thank our guests, Andy Richter, Janice Lynn, and of course, thank you to our team
41:25Captains Amber Ruffin and Michael Ian Black.
41:28Before we sign off, here are a few more stories we're watching.
41:36Jamiroquai announces new tour.
41:41Congratulations to the makeup team from Frankenstein for their well-deserved Oscar nomination.
41:51I'm Roy Moore Jr., and I'll see you next week on another episode of
41:54I'm Roy Moore Jr., and it's been 38 days since I last shaved my beard.
41:59Good night.
Comments