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Stephen Colbert 2026 04 02 Paul Simon JOAN
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00:01President Trump last night addressed the nation for the first time since starting a war with
00:05Iran, but he actually gave very few new details and repeated his vague timeline for when this
00:11war might end. Still no exit plan and a real timeline for the war's end. Not necessarily
00:15a firm commitment to an end date. Thanks to the progress we've made, I can say tonight that we
00:22are on track to complete all of America's military objectives shortly, very shortly.
00:27Please stand by as this broadcast is experiencing technical difficulties.
00:32Everything will be resolved very shortly, hopefully within a matter of minutes, but maybe 32 days or
00:39even 19 years. We understand this inconvenience may cause you to feel epic fury, but rest assured it
00:46will be repaired tonight or in the time it would take to go to the moon, go around it and
00:52come back
00:52home. A solution certainly will arrive by your grandchildren's future. Who knows? Maybe it's
00:58fixed. Right now. It's not. So please instead enjoy this photo of Pedro Pascal's butt. Unbelievable.
01:05That movie is lethal. Murder from behind. It's so good that I'm nearing completion. Okay, look,
01:12we have no clue when this will end. And when we act like we do, we are completely full of
01:17number two.
01:18It's the Late Show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, Bye Bye Bondi. Plus, Stephen welcomes Paul Simon
01:31the music. Featuring Louis Cato and the great big Joy Machine. And now, live on tape from the
01:44Ed Sullivan Theater in New York City, it's Stephen Colbert.
02:08Thank you, guys. Thank you. Down here, up there, hideaway. Welcome one and all to The Late Show. I'm your
02:15host, Stephen Colbert.
02:17FOLKS, YOU HEAR THE EXCITEMENT IN THIS ROOM, YOU KNOW WHY IT'S ELECTRIC,
02:22BECAUSE WE'RE ALL STILL RIDING HIGH FROM LAST NIGHT, WHEN, ON BEHALF OF ALL MANKIND,
02:29AMERICA'S ARTEMUS II LUNAR MISSION SUCCESSFULLY LAUNCHED INTO OUTER SPACE!
02:35WHOO!
02:36WHOO!
02:38BOOYA!
02:39SUCK IT, SKY!
02:40SORRY.
02:41WRONG ENERGY, I'VE GOT MOON MADNESS.
02:45I MEAN, THE MOMENT OF THE LAUNCH WAS JUST AMAZING, LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
02:5010, 9, 8, 7, RS-25 ENGINES, 8, 4, 3, 2, 1, BOOSTER IGNITION, AND LIFTOFF, THE CREW OF ARTEMUS
03:04II NOW BOUND FOR THE MOON.
03:06THE ONLY WAY THAT COUNTDOWN COULD HAVE BEEN BETTER IS IF IT WAS PRESENTED BY A DRUNK ANDERSON AND ANDY.
03:14IN SPACE, IN SPACE, NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU, SHOTSKI.
03:25CONGRATULATIONS TO EVERYONE AT NASA ON A SUCCESSFUL LAUNCH, INCLUDING THE FOUR ASTRONAUTS, REED WISEMAN,
03:29VICTOR GLOVER, CHRISTINA COOK, AND JEREMY HANSEN.
03:33I'M EXCITED.
03:35THIS IS LIKE, I FEEL LIKE I WAS A KID WATCHING THE APOLLO MISSIONS.
03:38A MASSIVE CROWD TURNED OUT, JUST LIKE IN THE OLD DAYS, TO WITNESS THE FIRST MANNED MOON MISSION SINCE 1972
03:45AT CAPE CANAVERAL.
03:47ONE SPACE FAN, I BELIEVE, CAPTURED THE TRUE SPIRIT OF THE MOMENT.
03:51WHY DO YOU WANT TO BE HERE? WHY DO YOU LOVE SPACE? WHY DO YOU LOVE BEING A PART OF
03:56HISTORY?
03:56WE'RE GOING BACK TO THE F***ING MOON, THAT'S RIGHT.
04:00YEAH!
04:02YEAH!
04:04COME ON!
04:05THE F***ING MOON!
04:09YOU TELL THEM, CAMERA HEAD, KID.
04:12THAT SAYS IT ALL, REMINDS ME OF THAT FAMOUS CHILDREN'S BOOK, GOOD NIGHT, MOTHER F***ER.
04:28PASSENGERS ON A NEARBY COMMERCIAL FLIGHT WERE ABLE TO CAPTURE THIS VIEW OF THE LAUNCH FROM THE AIRPLANE.
04:33THAT'S COOL, THOUGH I GOT A FEEL FOR THE PILOT.
04:36LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IF YOU LOOK OUT YOUR PORT SIDE WINDOWS, YOU'LL SEE THE HISTORIC ARTEMUS LAUNCH,
04:41WHICH, FOR THE RECORD, I COULD TOTALLY DO.
04:45PILOTS ARE BASICALLY SIDEWAYS ASTRONAUTS.
04:47SOON, WE'LL BE LANDING IN CLEVELAND, WHICH MANY HAVE CALLED THE MOON OF OHIO.
04:54THE TRIP DID HAVE...
04:56REALLY?
04:57A LOT OF CLEVELAND PEOPLE HERE?
05:00A LOT OF CLEVELAND...
05:01THE TRIP DID HAVE A COUPLE OF HICCOUPS.
05:03THERE WERE A COUPLE OF HICCOUPS.
05:04JUST A FEW HOURS IN, THERE WAS ALREADY A SOFTWARE PROGRAM-
05:07PROBLEM.
05:07HERE'S CAPTAIN WISEMAN.
05:09I ALSO SEE THAT I HAVE TWO MICROSOFT OUTLOOKS, AND NEITHER ONE OF THOSE ARE WORKING.
05:13IF YOU WANT TO REMOTE IN AND CHECK OPTIMUS ON THOSE TWO OUTLOOKS, THAT WOULD BE AWESOME.
05:17THIS...
05:18THIS JUST GOES TO SHOW THAT NO MATTER WHAT JOB YOU HAVE, NO MATTER HOW FAR YOU JOURNEY FROM MOTHER
05:24EARTH, OUTLOOK SUCKS.
05:34AND AT 7.49 PM TONIGHT, THE ARTEMIS II MADE ITS LAST FUEL BURN ON THE WAY TO THE MOON,
05:41IGNITING ITS ENGINES FOR 5 MINUTES AND 51 SECONDS EXACTLY TO ESCAPE EARTH'S GRAVITATIONAL PULL
05:48ON A PATH TOWARD THE MOON.
05:50OKAY, THAT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
05:51YOU SEE, FROM HERE ON OUT, THEIR COURSE IS ACTUALLY DETERMINED BY INERTIA, MOMENTUM, AND
05:55GRAVITY.
05:56AND WE KNOW THIS THANKS TO THE CALCULATIONS OF SIR ISAAC NEWTON, WHO IN 1665, FAMOUSLY SAID,
06:03WEEE!
06:06THERE WAS ONE, YEAH, THAT'S HOW, YEAH, THAT'S THE ATHLET, THAT WAS THE ATHLET.
06:14THERE WAS ONE OTHER PROBLEM AFTER THE LAUNCH.
06:17REPORTEDLY, WHEN ARTEMIS II STARTED ITS EARTH ORBIT, THERE WAS A BIT OF TOILET TROUBLE ON BOARD.
06:24NOW, I DON'T WANT TO GET INTO DETAILS, LET'S JUST SAY ARTEMIS I WAS OKAY, BUT ARTEMIS II WAS NOT
06:33RECOMMENDED.
06:35NOW, IT'S UNDERSTANDABLE THAT IT MIGHT BE DIFFICULT, AFTER ALL, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME A REAL
06:40TOILET HAS BEEN INSTALLED ON A MISSION INTO DEEP SPACE.
06:44ON THE OLD APOLLO MISSIONS, CREWS USED WASTE COLLECTION BAGS.
06:48NOW, THIS IS, I GOT TO SAY, IF POOPING IN A BAG IS WHAT IT TAKES TO BE AN ASTRONAUT,
06:53I KNOW A GENTLEMAN ON THE D-TRAIN WHO'S GOT THE RIGHT STUFF.
06:59YES, HE'S GOT SOME STUFF, I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S THE RIGHT STUFF, BUT HE'S DEFINITELY
07:02HE'S GOT SOME STUFF.
07:04LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE PROBLEMATIC WASTE DISPOSAL UNIT.
07:07EVIDENTLY, NASA HAS FINALLY ACHIEVED COACHELLA PORT-A-POTTY TECHNOLOGY.
07:13ANYWAY, THEY FIXED IT.
07:15WITH THE HELP OF OUR NEW SPONSOR.
07:17DO YOU HAVE A CLOGGED TOILET AND HAVE LEFT THE PLANET?
07:21THEN CALL US, KOWALSKI AND SUN SPACE PLUMBERS.
07:25WE'LL COME TO YOU, WHEREVER YOU ARE IN THE GALAXY.
07:29WE SPECIALIZE IN ALL TYPES OF SPACE PLUMBING ISSUES.
07:32MISALIGN NEBULA FLAPPER, VULCAN VALVE MELT,
07:35LITHIUM CRYSTAL CALCIFICATION, WOOKIE HERON DRAME,
07:39ACCIDENTAL TOILET PORTATION, PIPE TRIBBLES,
07:41AND BATTLE STAR GALAXICLOCK.
07:43YOU CAN EVEN HANDLE THIS.
07:47SHALL POOP LONG AND PROSPER.
07:50CALL KOWALSKI AND SUN SPACE PLUMBERS TODAY.
07:54WE PUT YOUR RAINERS FIRST.
07:59NEW SPONSOR?
08:01$40 MILLION?
08:03NEW SPONSOR.
08:06SPEAKING OF HUMAN WASTE, JUST A FEW HOURS AGO,
08:09WE LEARNED THAT PRESIDENT TRUMP FIRED ATTORNEY GENERAL PAM BONDI.
08:18THERE, FEELS SO GOOD.
08:21YEAH, THERE YOU GO.
08:24THERE IT IS.
08:28NOW, IN, LISTEN, IN TRIBUTE TO PAM BONDI,
08:33UH, I OFFER THIS HEARTFELT FAREWELL.
08:46EVIDENTLY, THE PRESIDENT HAD SOME ISSUES WITH THE WAY BONDI DID HER JOB,
08:50BUT SOURCES SAY THAT HE WAS PARTICULARLY FRUSTRATED OVER HER HANDLING OF THE EPSTEIN FILES.
08:56SAYING THAT THE VILLAIN OF THE EPSTEIN FILES IS PAM BONDI IS LIKE SAYING THE LEAD IN DIE HARD
09:02IS THE DAD FROM FAMILY MATTERS.
09:07TRUMP MADE THE ANNOUNCEMENT ON SOCIAL MEDIA,
09:10PAM BONDI IS A GREAT AMERICAN PAGE, ATTORNEY GENERAL, OVER THE PAST YEAR,
09:14WE LOVE PAM, AND SHE WILL BE TRANSITIONING TO A MUCH-NEEDED AND IMPORTANT NEW JOB
09:20IN THE PRIVATE SECTOR TO BE ANNOUNCED AT A DATE IN THE NEAR FUTURE.
09:24NO, FOLKS, IT'S GREAT, IT'S A MUCH-NEEDED JOB AT A VERY IMPORTANT FARM-UP STATE.
09:32THERE WILL BE LOTS OF ROOM FOR HER TO RUN AROUND, UNFORTUNATELY, WE CAN'T GO VISIT HER.
09:37NOW LET'S GO TO THE STRIP MALL AND GET YOU A NEW ATTORNEY GENERAL, BUDDY, COME ON.
09:42OKAY, I'VE PUT IT OFF.
09:48SHE'LL BE FINE.
09:51OKAY, I'VE PUT IT OFF LONG ENOUGH.
09:53LAST NIGHT, TRUMP GAVE A PRIMETIME ADDRESS ABOUT THE IRAN WAR,
09:57AND IT WAS ALL THE STUFF YOU'VE HEARD BEFORE, BUT NOW DELIVERED BY A NARCHOTIZED TURTLE.
10:02THE SPEECH WAS BUILD AS A MAJOR UPDATE ON THE MONTHLONG WAR,
10:06BUT THE ONLY REAL INFORMATION HE OFFERED WAS THAT OTHER WARS LASTED LONGER.
10:11IT'S VERY IMPORTANT THAT WE KEEP THIS CONFLICT IN PERSPECTIVE.
10:16AMERICAN INVOLVEMENT IN WORLD WAR I LASTED ONE YEAR, SEVEN MONTHS, AND FIVE DAYS.
10:24WORLD WAR II LASTED FOR THREE YEARS, EIGHT MONTHS, AND 25 DAYS.
10:29THE KOREAN WAR LASTED FOR THREE YEARS, ONE MONTH, AND TWO DAYS.
10:34THE VIETNAM WAR LASTED FOR 19 YEARS, FIVE MONTHS, AND 29 DAYS.
10:40IRAQ WENT ON FOR EIGHT YEARS, EIGHT MONTHS, AND 28 DAYS.
10:45FRASER WENT ON FOR 11 YEARS, ONE MONTH, AND 36 MINUTES.
10:51SUDDENLY SUSAN WAS ONLY FOUR YEARS, TWO DAYS, AND THREE BOX TOPS.
10:57SEX, SEX IN THE CITY WAS SIX YEARS, UNLESS YOU COUNT, AND JUST LIKE THAT,
11:02WHICH PERSONALLY I DON'T, BECAUSE MY MIRANDA WOULD NEVER LEAVE STEVE.
11:09NOW...
11:19TRUMP TOLD US WHAT WE CAN EXPECT NEXT, AND IT WAS A LITTLE ALL OVER THE MAP.
11:23WE'RE GOING TO HIT THEM EXTREMELY HARD OVER THE NEXT TWO TO THREE WEEKS.
11:28WE'RE GOING TO BRING THEM BACK TO THE STONE AGES WHERE THEY BELONG.
11:33IN THE MEANTIME, DISCUSSIONS ARE ONGOING.
11:35WHAT?
11:36HUH?
11:36WHAT?
11:37HUH?
11:39HOLY WHIPPLASH, BATMAN.
11:42LOOK, I GOT A MESSAGE FOR DR. BONESMASHER, WHEN I MEET YOU IN THE RING TOMORROW NIGHT, BROTHER,
11:47I'M GONNA CRUSH YOUR SPINE INTO A FINE POWDER, THEN CUT IT INTO LINES AND SNORT IT UP.
11:53ALSO, CAROL AND I ARE DOING A SMALL BRUNCH THING TOMORROW AT OUR PLACE.
11:57WE LOVE YOU TO COME AND BRING THE FAM!
12:01BRING THEM!
12:07WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, MY GUESTS ARE PAUL SIMON AND RAMAN YUSUF, BUT WHEN WE
12:13COME BACK, MEANWHILE, JOIN US, WON'T YOU?
12:16WE HAVE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, MY WICKPLASH!
12:30I'M GOING TO MEET YOU TONIGHT!
12:37I'M GOING TO MEET YOU TONIGHT!
12:38YOU KNOW, WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT IF YOU'RE RING.
12:40LET MEET YOU TONIGHT.
12:41WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT!
12:45IT'S BEEN AT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
12:46OR MAY NOT KNOW, WE HAVE A LOT OF GREAT WRITERS HERE ON THE SHOW,
12:48AND ONE OF THOSE GREAT WRITERS IS A MAN NAMED MICHAEL CRUZ KANE,
12:51OKAY? MICHAEL CRUZ KANE HAS GOT A
12:53STAND-UP COMEDY SPECIAL ABOUT GRIEF CALLED SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.
12:57IT'S AVAILABLE TO STREAM RIGHT NOW. AND WHEN THIS SHOW RAN OFF
13:01BROADWAY, IT WAS NOMINATED FOR A BUNCH OF AWARDS.
13:03WHEN IT WAS ON AUTEMAL, IT WAS NAMED BEST OF AUTEMAL.
13:05AND NOW THAT IT'S STREAMING, MAYBE IT WILL WIN MOST PERFECT SHOW IN
13:08THE WORLD. WE'RE GOING OFF THE AIR,
13:11SO THERE'S AN OPENING. LOOK FOR IT ON A WONDERFUL
13:14APP CALLED DROPOUT OR AT DROPOUT.TV. THERE YOU GO.
13:18FOLKS, FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW,
13:23YOU KNOW I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE IN THE NEWS,
13:26CHUBANG, FOLDING THE MOST TOPICAL GROUND STORY PORK,
13:29MUNGBEAN SPROUTS, CHOPCHE NOODLES, AND PEBEGO FIRM TOFU
13:33INTO DELICATE SULASONG WANTON WRAPPERS, AND THEN GENTLY PAN-FRYING
13:38TO MAKE THE KOREAN KUNMAN DU DUMPLINGS THAT ARE MY KNIGHTLY MONOLOGUE,
13:41BUT SOMETIMES AFTER LOSING A DRINKING CONTEST TO A RUSSIAN
13:44CIRCUS BEAR, I WAKE UP IN A CANAL WHERE I SQUEEZE THE FILLING
13:47FROM A DISCARDED TACO INTO A HALF-EATEN PILLSBURY TURNOVER,
13:50AND CHOW DOWN ON THE SWAMP RAVIOLI OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT.
13:57MEANWHILE...
13:59YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S TASTY AND NUTRITIOUS.
14:02THAT'S WHAT THE NUTRITION OF MEANWHILE.
14:07MEANWHILE, NEAR HAWAII, A DOLPHIN JUMPED A MASSIVE 15 FEET ABOVE THE OCEAN,
14:13AND DREW COMPARISONS TO MICHAEL JORDAN.
14:16WOW, MICHAEL JORDAN.
14:18MICHAEL, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT BEING COMPARED TO THAT DOLPHIN?
14:28DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING.
14:32MEANWHILE, GREAT NEWS FOR USERS OF LETTERBOXED, THE APP FOR LOGGING MOVIES THAT YOU'VE WATCHED,
14:38BECAUSE A FAN HAS CREATED A VIRAL LETTERBOXED KEYCHAIN THAT LEXCINEPHILES SHOW OFF THEIR
14:44FAVORITE MOVIES ON THE GO, USING PHOTO INSERTS ON THE KEYCHAIN FOR CUSTOMIZABLE FAVORITE SLOTS,
14:51STYLED AFTER THE APP'S LAYOUT.
14:53THIS IS A GREAT WAY TO MEET A LIKE-MINDED MOVIE FAN, OR A FAIR WARNING THAT SOMEONE NEAR YOU
14:59IS
14:59MENTALLY UNSTABLE ENOUGH TO ENJOY TRON ARIES.
15:05MEANWHILE, COSTCO HAS INTRODUCED A 10-POUND, $140 CHOCOLATE EASTER BUNNY, BUT YOU'LL NEED A
15:14HAMMER TO EAT IT.
15:15THE MEGA BUNNY IS NAMED PETE, BECAUSE WHEN MY CHILDREN BLUDGION SOMETHING TO DEATH WITH A HAMMER,
15:21I FIRST WANT IT TO SEEM AS HUMAN AS POSSIBLE.
15:27THE INSTRUCTIONS ON THE PACKAGING SUGGEST CUSTOMERS WRAP PETE IN A TOWEL AND GIVE ONE BOLD WACK
15:34WITH A HAMMER, MALLET, OR ROLLING PIN, ADDING, IF HE PLEADS, DON'T BE MOVED.
15:39YOU ARE A GOD AND HE IS YOUR PREY.
15:42BE SWIFT AND FEEL THE WEAKNESS WITHIN YOU MELTING AWAY.
15:45IT WILL BE EASIER NEXT TIME.
15:49GOOD.
15:54IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING, 10-POUND PETE HERE CONSISTS OF 151 SERVINGS, IF YOU'RE A COWARD.
16:04IN OTHER MASTIVE EASTER TREAT NEWS, BRITISH CHOCOLATE MAKER CADBERRY HAS UNVEILLED A GIANT 121-POUND
16:11EGG.
16:11OKAY, SOUNDS GOOD SO FAR, BUT WHAT DO I WRAP IT IN BEFORE I BLUDGEN IT TO DEATH?
16:18NEXT UP, ACCORDING TO A FINDING IN THE JOURNAL OF EXPERIMENTAL BIOLOGY, WOODPECKERS
16:24GRUNT LIKE TENNIS PLAYERS WHEN THEY PECK.
16:27AND I'M BEING TOLD THAT WE HAVE NEW FOOTAGE DEMONSTRATING THE PHENOMENON.
16:39WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH PAUL SIMON.
16:44HELLO, DARK AS HIGH, OLD MAN.
16:47HEY!
17:01TENTASTIC.
17:02TEN OUT OF TEN, POPS.
17:05WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
17:07LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS PAUL SIMON.
17:44It's good to see you again.
17:46It's great to be here.
17:47Yeah.
17:50You're about to go on tour again.
17:52Yeah.
17:53I'm leaving Monday, and the first show we play is in Prague.
17:57We'll play in Europe.
17:58Okay.
18:00And for a couple of months, and then we come back to the United States and play in the summer
18:05here.
18:05You went over to Europe when you were first starting out, right?
18:10I moved to London in 1964.
18:14Really, kind of, yeah, it was 64.
18:18It was after the Kennedy assassination.
18:22And I lived there for two years until the end of 64.
18:26Is this one of those?
18:28It says, this is in Norwich, England, it says on the back of there.
18:31There you go.
18:34What did you, what did that experience do for your music?
18:37You can see the girl in the middle is really into it.
18:44Palm of your hand.
18:46Palm of your hand.
18:48Sleepy groupie.
18:49So what did that experience going over there to Europe do for your music?
18:54Oh, it had a tremendous effect on my music because that culture, the English, what do we call it? Celtic,
19:09you know what I mean.
19:13Yeah.
19:14I loved that music, fell in love with that music.
19:17I mean, of course, here I would have heard it as a sound in the Everly Brothers.
19:23But over there, you hear the origins of it.
19:27So I fell in love with it and I learned a lot about guitar.
19:31I originally started out playing electric guitar.
19:34Then I switched to acoustic and I learned how to, I learned how to finger pick.
19:39I learned, I learned a lot.
19:41And I, I was playing like that, that's, that must be pretty early, pretty early, probably 64.
19:48But I played these folk lovers, which were really just rooms above a pub.
19:53Sometimes they had a mic, sometimes they didn't have a mic.
19:56You know, it would be about between maybe 50 and 75 people.
20:02And I learned how to, how to be an act.
20:06You know, how to put together a set and talk.
20:09Show a little patter and stuff like that?
20:11Yeah, that's right.
20:12Did you ever bust on the streets?
20:13I bust in Europe a little bit when I was young.
20:15You did?
20:15Yeah, yeah, yeah.
20:16Terrible mime.
20:19But did you do that?
20:20Tough, yeah, I did.
20:21In Paris, I did.
20:24What we would do is find a storefront that had, you know, an entrance, a pretty big entrance way.
20:32Not, not the door right on the street.
20:35And so you'd stand in the front of that and there'd be a little bit of echo coming from there.
20:40Oh, it'd be like a little amplifier behind.
20:42And then the trick was, you start to play and a group of people, they line, make a semicircle around
20:54you.
20:54Then a second group comes.
20:56And then a third group comes.
20:58And when the third group comes, then your partner, who's a pretty girl, comes with a hat to the first
21:05group.
21:05They can't get out.
21:14Write that down, kids.
21:16Write that down.
21:17That's show business.
21:18Your tour includes some new stuff, some of the old stuff.
21:24You've started taking requests on stage with a certain incentive you're looking for.
21:28Can we show this clip right now?
21:36Would you like to do a second group of stations?
21:54Well, I'll be back on all the crap on it.
21:59My third group is part of our school.
22:00so cash makes a difference well what happened uh-huh it does I'm just
22:09wondering if me and my friend mr. Jackson here could could entice you
22:22into doing into doing something so right oh I'm doing that anyway
22:30other show exactly I'm gonna need to keep the cash exactly like that yeah what
22:34happened was somebody was yelling out from the audience sing code do Kodachrome
22:39do Kodachrome and I said no we're not doing that in this well we're not doing
22:44it in this in this set no one he's dumb kept yelling so I said okay but it'll
22:50cost you I want $20 I'm like nobody moves and I said no seriously he came in
23:01he gave me the $20 and I picked it up and I played a little bit of Kodachrome we
23:06have to take a quick break we'll be right back with more Paul Simon everybody
23:22we're back with Paul Simon when the lyrics of a song come to you do you
23:30ever resist the lyrics yeah you go like yeah I don't know what that means or I
23:37don't like what that means yeah I'm more like that I might say a lot of songs a
23:46lot of my songs used to begin and they were they were they were really angry in
23:53the beginning angry Paul Simon yeah and I'd say okay so slow down you move too
23:58fast
23:59gotta make the morning last skipping down the damn cobblestones you lamppost
24:08feeling groovy my ass
24:15hey you know you're on my Mount Rushmore of American lyricists it's you it's
24:20actually the five on my it's you it's Sondheim it's Dylan it's Jackson Brown and
24:25it's uh John Prime those are those are my I'm just curious
24:32who's like who who who is a lyricist that you look to and go oh boy that that is
24:38special that is a a extraordinary turn of phrase that surprises even even me Paul
24:44Simon well you mean a lyricist who consistently does that yeah well I would
24:49start to say that in the 50s Chuck Berry wrote things that were so good that they
24:55they could have been part of the Harlem Renaissance I mean and he taught
25:04he taught my whole generation they're all influenced by Chuck Berry Bob and the
25:11Beatles and everybody because he he made stories in words that flowed effortlessly
25:19and his stories were great store great stories Maybelline Johnny B Goode is
25:25a great story you know used to carry his guitar in a gunny sack out I think what
25:31is a gunny sack you know what is it I mean his descriptions it was a teenage
25:36wedding and the old folks wish them well it was beautiful yeah yo yo ma was here a
25:41couple months ago and one of the things he said is he has been as he goes on with
25:45his career he's increasingly asking himself what is music for he's trying to
25:49answer that question for himself with his performances I'm just curious what do you
25:53believe that music is for well I'm not sure I mean it's interesting that that was a
26:02question that he that he thought about you know it's so it's so much a part of the species it's
26:12the
26:12first it's it's it's it's always it's always been there and it's a mystery why it can
26:21produce these emotions and people you know sorrow and war or John Philip Sousa you know when he writes
26:35this music there are marches and you have to you have to get up and march his legs
26:55that's pretty amazing you're right it's pretty great yeah it's like magic but yeah you could say if
27:02if there's magic don't give me permission to say things it's my show of course of course
27:10you got some nerves that's what you're off there yeah yeah so you what what huh
27:18I just don't want to let you go they turned off the cameras a long time ago
27:26Paul thank you for being here and Paul will be performing in just a moment
27:32tickets for this summer's a quiet celebration tour are available now stick around he's going to
27:39perform we'll be right back with Rami Youssef
27:57welcome back my next guest is a golden globe and Peabody award-winning actor writer and stand-up
28:04comedian you know from Rami and poor things his new stand-up special is Rami Youssef in love
28:11I got this call again I could only talk to my wife about this I got this call from Stephen
28:17Colbert
28:18yeah and no but he goes Rami I would like to invite you to a closed-door meeting at the
28:26Vatican
28:29with the Pope yeah and this was like the Pope Pope I mean not the Chicago Pope
28:36no no offense to you guys I just think okay I think he's a great guy I just have this
28:42belief
28:43that popes should not know English I don't know shouldn't the Pope just be so you know the Pope
28:49just there's a vibe it's just like I mean you know like that kind of Italian it's so Italian it
28:57sounds
29:04Japanese this new one you know Pope Bob plays words with friends with his brother every day
29:09okay the Pope has an Apple ID please welcome back to the late show Rami Youssef
29:36first of all and we can cut this out if you don't want me to talk about it you smell
29:39really good
29:41what is your what are you wearing what is very manly but very fresh what do you what do you
29:45wear
29:45uh it's the kind of thing it's you know I wouldn't really tell you because it because I don't want
29:49because you're not sponsored well yeah you're not sponsored and nobody gets a free ride thing and
29:53then you'll start wearing it and it'll be a whole thing but I'll steal your career we just saw that
30:00clip uh so people know you and I met Pope Francis together yeah what was that day like for you
30:05I actually haven't had that much chance to talk to many people there were like 16 of us from the
30:10United States who went and we haven't had I haven't talked to that many people about it since it was
30:14incredible I mean it was such a spiritual place I had some doubts about going sure I was because
30:20it was such an incredible invitation and I also had this okay Stephen trying to get me in the
30:24Illuminati like I don't know I'm trying to get me in the Illuminati well I which I quickly
30:31figured out like we pulled up and I said oh he's not in no uh that was clear because we
30:36came in
30:37through the servant's entry it was not a good entry we came in through the back door basically it was
30:41really beautiful it was actually such a beautiful gorgeous thing which and that's how I I I knew I
30:46wanted to go because it's such a holy place and my dad really made it clear that I had to
30:50go why I
30:51well I called my dad I was like do you think I should go to the Vatican he goes Rami
30:54this is
30:54incredible you're you're a Muslim you get to go meet a really holy man we believe in anyone who
31:00believes in pure love go meet the Pope it's your job to meet him love him and convert him and
31:06and
31:06that that drum came so quick yeah you didn't know I was gonna say that good you know it's very
31:19good
31:19yeah very good drum yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah but it was incredible dude we had a wonderful group of
31:25people with this too who did you who did you hang with mostly I think it was really me and
31:30Conan we got we got he was yeah I got this given right yeah yeah talking about yeah there you
31:36go
31:37there's the two of you together we had we had a lot I was like it was hard to like
31:46not know where
31:47our group was because we had him and Steven Merchant who could dunk on Conan he's so tall
31:53and then it was just it was crazy we were in the sun for three minutes he got completely sunburned
31:58like he didn't he didn't look like that on the way and then we were just out there it was
32:03had you been
32:04to Rome before no it was my first time oh I eternal city what'd you think it was incredible I
32:09mean first
32:09off to go first time Vatican courtside Pope incredible yes and apostolic palace no no just
32:15unbelievable yeah and then there was this oh man so there was this guy this guy who does these tours
32:21in Rome was incredible his name's Amir he's this Iranian guy with an Italian accent and he takes you
32:26in a golf cart all around Rome they let him do that I think he's the only guy because he's
32:31Scorsese's guy
32:32so he just goes this is where Scorsese eats and he just shows you how'd you find him Scorsese
32:41Scorsese okay how'd you find Scorsese I can't call up Scorsese do you can you just call up Scorsese
32:47yeah well it's you got to have the same cologne guy as him and then and then you can kind
32:52of
32:52and that's what I was telling I knew you spelled like somebody yeah that was that was a little slow
32:58on that one yeah yeah yeah you played Zoran Mamdani a couple months ago back on SNL yeah nice job
33:05what's the trick what's up what's the trick what's your hook I would rather say what's your hook for
33:11a good mom Donnie I would just watch him smile no matter what he was saying you know no matter
33:19what
33:19was going on like it was just everything it could be the most serious thing and you have a smile
33:24and
33:24then be incredibly serious and I thought that was kind of the way and it was very fun Wow yeah
33:27even
33:28even things that shouldn't make you smile he smiles when he says them oh yeah yeah yeah yeah he'll just
33:33he'll just like ice he'll be like you're not allowed in the city and it's just like big like
33:40do you know smiling smile oh if he saw it yeah he saw it he saw it and and he
33:46actually like we had a he
33:47called me when I was still dressed as him and he was really creeped out by it how'd he get
33:50your
33:51number did he did he call Scorsese you often talk about faith in your comedy yeah why I I've got
33:58my
33:59own reasons why I enjoy doing that when the opportunity arises yeah why you I because
34:04it means so much you know and I think we're inherently imperfect and it's nice to laugh
34:09at ourselves so I'm never making fun of the thing it's always just I feel like you're the same way
34:13you have such reverence I mean that's what was beautiful about going to the Pope with you which
34:16also I have to say was super surreal because I did my first stand-up appearance ever ever on this
34:21show
34:21in 2017 and it was incredible like that that that felt like a spiritual moment to go from that and
34:32then less than 10 years later to be at the Pope with you I was like wow I believe in
34:36God but I
34:39couldn't look you into the like if I we looked in the eyes I feel like you could have made
34:42me Christian
34:42so I looked away I'm coming for you I know Rami it's so great to see you thanks for being
34:51here
34:52Rami Youssef in love debuts April 17th on HBO and HBO Max we'll be right back with a performance by
35:00Paul Simon
35:04and now performing something so right ladies and gentlemen Paul Simon
35:47you've got the cool water when the fever runs high
35:58look of love lined in your eyes and I was in crazy motion till you calmed me down
36:13it took a little time but you calmed me down
36:21when something goes wrong when something goes wrong I'm the first to admit it
36:28the first to admit it the last one to know something goes right and it's likely to lose me
36:42it's apt to confuse me it's such an unusual sight oh I can't
36:50I can't get used to something so right something so right
37:10they've got a wall in China it's a thousand miles long
37:23to keep out the foreigners they made it strong and I've got a wall around me that you can't even
37:36see
37:40it took a little time to get next to me
37:49something goes wrong and I'm the first to admit it the first to admit it and the last one to
38:01know
38:03something goes wrong something goes right and it's likely to lose me
38:10it's apt to confuse me it's such an unusual sight oh I swear I can't get used to something so
38:20right
38:29some people never say the words I love you it's not that style ought to be so bold
38:44some people never say the words I love you it's not that style ought to be so bold
38:51like a child they're longing to be told something goes wrong
39:05I'm the first to admit it the first to admit it the last one to know something goes right and
39:19it's likely to lose me
39:21lose me let's have to confuse me it's such an unusual sight I swear I can't I can't get used
39:32to something so right
39:37oh something so right
40:00oh something so right
40:05oh something so right
40:11oh something so right
40:17oh you can catch him on tour this summer
40:18Mr. Paul Simon everybody
40:21tonight
40:27ah
40:27ah
40:28ah
40:28ah
40:29ah
40:29ah
40:29ah
40:29ah
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