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00:03America's 250th birthday is coming up, which means fireworks! Woo-hoo!
00:07But if you're a dog, boo-hoo!
00:09We're not expecting you to stop firing off explosives. This is still America.
00:13But here's how to keep your pets safe, even while the world around them gets loud.
00:18Dress your dog in a weighted vest and earmuffs. Works a charm. Right, Shred?
00:23I've never felt so calm in my life!
00:25Startled dogs often make a run for it, so microchip your pet, or else this will happen.
00:32Go, run. Go. Come on, you're embarrassing me.
00:36Play soothing music to keep your pooch calm, or if you're like me and you have perfect pitch, just sing
00:41to them.
00:42There's nothing to be afraid of, just because the sky is on fire.
00:49And when in doubt, cuddles go a long way.
00:52And on an unrelated but mandatory note, Seattle is experiencing a boom in water-borne anal worms.
00:57So make your vaccination appointments soon. And...
01:01Happy birthday, America!
01:03Happy birthday, America!
01:05Happy birthday, America!
01:06Happy birthday, America!
01:33Okay, listen up, people.
01:36The Animal Control Officers Association
01:37is sending a representative today
01:39to observe our two ACUTI nominees.
01:42ACUTI?
01:42Animal Control Officer of the Year.
01:44Then why didn't you just say that?
01:46Because ACUTI saves time.
01:47And yet here we are.
01:48Anyways, they're sending Wayne Peters.
01:50Ooh, they're bringing in the big dog.
01:52He was the first person to ever win the award
01:54and he endorsed eight of the last nine winners.
01:56He's a bit of a kingmaker.
01:57If you win Wayne's vote, you win Officer of the Year.
02:01Stay alert.
02:01He's been known to undercover boss it with disguises.
02:04He could be an old man looking for a dog.
02:06And one time in Eugene, he was the dog.
02:09When is he coming?
02:10He's already here.
02:12That's right.
02:13Always observe an animal before you enter their habitat.
02:17Great to meet you, sir.
02:18Officer Dutch.
02:21Officer Shaw.
02:22Two nominees from the same precinct.
02:25That's rare, almost like an albino rattlesnake.
02:28Whoa.
02:29Is it hemotoxic or neurotoxic venom?
02:31Neuro, you're a badass.
02:33Well, I am here to identify the person who best demonstrates professionalism, integrity,
02:37and a commitment to animal safety.
02:39And whoever shows me these qualities will get my recommendation as one of the ten finalists
02:44for this year's award.
02:45Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to hit the head.
02:47I've been in this onesie all morning.
02:49Okay.
02:49Wayne is going to do a ride along with both you and Templeton.
02:52I need you to impress him.
02:53Because if Templeton wins this award, he's coming for my job.
02:55Yeah, he's got him bolder.
02:56I caught him eating lunch here yesterday, doing a pretend Zoom with the mayor.
02:59Is that why there was federal on my keyboard?
03:01Frank, you have to win.
03:02Guys, this comes down to personality.
03:05I got it in the bag.
03:09What are these looks?
03:10Guys, I'm diligent, I'm smart, I'm quick with a zinger.
03:13Like, Emily, you'd be taken more seriously if your sentences didn't sound like questions.
03:17Okay, ouch.
03:18Yeah, I hate to say it, but I think Templeton has a very pale leg up on you.
03:22The terrible stuff that he says seems like jokes if you don't know him.
03:25Maybe you need to do something, I don't know, a little extra?
03:28Something that makes Templeton look worse?
03:31Sorry, is there something wrong with your stomach?
03:33No, I think she wants Frank to sabotage Templeton.
03:36As your boss, I would never suggest that.
03:38On the record.
03:40Yeah, I'm in.
03:41Shred, what ideas do we have left on the dossier?
03:43There's the one where we convince Templeton he's becoming the smallest man on earth, but that could take years.
03:48See, I would never condone anything like that, because that would be cheating.
03:52I got it, just please don't wink again.
03:55Maya's been hounding me for a double date with you and Parker.
03:58I've been trying to hold her off, but she's got this couples therapist wrapped around her finger.
04:03Usually when Parker and I meet up with other couples, group six is involved.
04:07Yeah, no, this would be like a corner booth at P.F. Chang's.
04:10Say, $5.45, one bottle of wine, split four ways, and, you know, let me take home the rest.
04:15Okay, wow, this is all very heteronormative, tradwife, normcore.
04:20Which would make it kind of the freakiest thing that Parker and I had done in a while.
04:24You know what?
04:25Tell her we're in.
04:26Are you sure?
04:27Parker could tuck his shirt in.
04:29Oh my God, with a belt.
04:32Hilarious, that's so good.
04:33For the record, I don't love you mocking my lifestyle.
04:36Old Navy's having a sale.
04:38Huh?
04:39I know what I'm doing on Saturday.
04:45Somebody's got to go first.
04:47Then again, somebody's got to go last.
04:49Doesn't matter to me.
04:50Either way, he's going to be eating a delicious eclair from his favorite bakery.
04:53You're bribing him with an eclair after lunch?
04:55That's embarrassing.
04:56I'll go first.
04:57It's fine by me.
04:58All right, that's classic reverse psychology.
05:01I will go second.
05:02Figured me out.
05:03Now that is reverse psychology.
05:05I will go first.
05:07What is that?
05:09Hey.
05:11Like a violin.
05:13Hey, Shred.
05:14I had dinner with my friend Cassie last night.
05:16I showed her one of your snowboard clips.
05:17She's in.
05:18In?
05:19To you.
05:20And you love her.
05:21She's so athletic and pretty and shorter than you.
05:24So I sent her a text this morning and she's open to a setup.
05:27Yeah, that's really sweet and cool.
05:30Five sevens also the global average for men.
05:32Not that that matters.
05:33But I don't think I'm really in a place right here.
05:35No, listen.
05:36I've known her forever from church.
05:37She's like my little church daughter.
05:39You're like my work son.
05:40It's perfect.
05:41Unless, are you seeing someone?
05:43No, no.
05:43He's not seeing anyone.
05:44No, you should do it.
05:45She sounds perfect.
05:47Um, yes.
05:49Okay, yeah.
05:50I'd take her for a spin ride.
05:53I'd go out with her.
05:54But can you tell her I'm shy and I don't like to kiss on the first date?
05:57Oh, nothing makes undies drop faster than a gentleman.
06:00I got a good feeling about this.
06:04Uh, sorry.
06:05What is happening?
06:06Hello.
06:06It looks suspicious if you won't go on a setup with the perfect woman.
06:09Yeah, or we could just tell everybody we're together and I don't go on a weird fake date.
06:12It's just, it's not a good time.
06:14It's Wayne Peters and the Akutis and there's a supermoon tomorrow.
06:17So this is a better plan.
06:18Just trust me.
06:18I didn't know about the supermoon.
06:20Yeah.
06:20Okay, I will go on the date.
06:22But, while I'm holding her hand, I'll be imagining it's yours.
06:26Why will you be holding her hand?
06:28This is a very confusing assignment you've given me.
06:32And here I thought my greatest disguise was hiding my sweet tooth.
06:36Eh, good officer does his research.
06:39Oh!
06:40Bat!
06:41Rusidus!
06:42Aegypticus!
06:43Unconfined!
06:44How do we proceed, officer?
06:45Uh, okay, wet bro condition, school bus something nice, six, two dicey to break.
06:49I'm gonna confuse its echo location.
06:51Oh!
06:52Oh!
06:53Oh!
06:54Wee, wee, oh!
06:56Wee!
06:59Textbook.
07:02I'll give you that one.
07:03I said that.
07:04I did say that.
07:05Wayne, I just want to apologize on behalf of the precinct for what you experienced on that ride-along.
07:10Questionable jokes, unnecessary lip-licking, giggling, and whispering like a farmhouse ghost.
07:14Au contraire.
07:15Wayne and I had a fine time controlling the animals of Seattle.
07:18He caught a bat while driving.
07:20I've never seen such deft fingers.
07:23Um, I'm glad you enjoyed your opener because your headliner's about to melt your face off.
07:28Unfortunately, that bat took a huge chunk of our day.
07:30Why don't we just grab a hotel lobby coffee tomorrow?
07:32I'm rolling out for Boise around nine.
07:34I'll be there at seven.
07:35I wake up at 8.15.
07:37Tea bag.
07:37Impressive stuff today, buddy.
07:39Nice.
07:41Nice try, Frank.
07:42And the Akuti goes to Dirk Templeton Dodge.
07:47Why doesn't it just go by Dirk?
07:53This is out of control.
07:54Thanks to your little prank, Templeton looks like gosh dang Captain America.
07:58How was I supposed to know that living Squishmallow was going to be competent for the first time in his
08:02life?
08:02When he takes my job, they'll probably move me to city planning, which we all know is a never-ending
08:06argument about bike lanes.
08:08Don't worry.
08:08Frank still has his coffee date, and my man is great in the morning.
08:11He wakes up just a-chittering like a field mouse.
08:13I'm not your man, and don't lie.
08:15Six to eight p.m. is my golden hour.
08:17Wait a minute.
08:17Why don't I just invite Wayne over for dinner and drinks at my place?
08:20Mmm.
08:23Why are you doing that again?
08:24Because you're a sad man with a sad house.
08:25Wait, what if we could dilute the sadness with us?
08:28We could throw a dinner party, sing Frank's praises, and then maybe Wayne wouldn't even notice that you have an
08:33entire room for your dog and your cat.
08:34Mmm, I couldn't do tonight because Maya, she bullied me into a double date with Victoria.
08:38I'm doing that for ironic cosplay reasons.
08:40So rolling that into a work thing kind of works.
08:43What are you doing?
08:44You guys plotting?
08:45You have plotting energy.
08:47Somebody close the blinds right now.
08:50Sorry.
08:53And his name was Dr. Tarantula.
08:56Cassie, this is Shred.
08:58Oh, my God, he's so cute.
09:00Oh, the cat's not too bad either.
09:02Don't worry, we've both been dewormed.
09:04Oh, why don't I take this little fur baby so you two can get going on your date?
09:08Oh, is it date time already?
09:10Yay.
09:11Go have fun, you two.
09:14Yes, okay, after you.
09:17Oh, after you.
09:20I bet he's doing that so he can look at her butt.
09:22Ah, yeah, for sure, for sure.
09:24You know, as long as you're matchmaking, feel free to throw some strange my way.
09:28Girl, I got abs for that.
09:29Yeah.
09:31So glad you could make it.
09:32Figured you're on the road.
09:33300 days a year, home-cooked meal, toasty Italian red, might be nice.
09:37Yeah.
09:38My dinner was going to be the cold bagels that I pocketed from the Ramada.
09:41Oh.
09:44Ramada.
09:45May I?
09:45Please.
09:46I am so glad this worked out.
09:48I've been trying to get us all together for ages, but Ami keeps telling me you're too busy.
09:51You know, he's totally right.
09:52We're crazy busy these days.
09:55Candle shopping and container store and racing each other to finish the wordle.
10:00It was so hard today.
10:02Not for her.
10:03She got it in two guesses.
10:04Exile.
10:05Well, don't give him the answer.
10:06Let me brag on you, baby.
10:08Let me.
10:08You stop.
10:09You stop.
10:10You stop.
10:11You stop.
10:12No, you stop.
10:13You stop.
10:15He just turned on his eye hammer.
10:16Stop it.
10:16I've got such headache from doing all that laundry.
10:19Oh, stop.
10:20So stupid.
10:22If I may, I just wanted to give a little toast and thank Frank for not only hosting this
10:28lovely dinner for all of us, but also being one of the best officers I've ever known.
10:35His courage, quick thinking, calm under pressure.
10:39If I ever get that dreaded wolf in an orphanage phone call, Frank's my guy.
10:45So, to Frank.
10:46To Frank.
10:47To the big cat.
10:49Stop.
10:49He's the best.
10:50Stop.
10:51Compliments make me uncomfortable.
10:53Your co-workers have a lot of nice things to say about you.
10:55Oh, well, wait till you meet Shred.
10:57He's a bit of a partner crush on me.
10:58Where is he?
10:59Oh, Shred is on a date, but he should be here soon.
11:02I mean, it's only been, oh, three hours.
11:05Wow.
11:06You know what we should do next time?
11:08Taste of Seattle.
11:09It's the last Sunday of every month, and this month, the theme is cheese.
11:13Yeah, but they only let you sample three cheeses, and you guys probably have plans.
11:17No, we'll be there.
11:18I'll bring my lactate.
11:19See, babe?
11:19I told you they'd be into it.
11:21No, she didn't.
11:22Just tell me.
11:23All right, couple selfies, Ty.
11:24You ready?
11:26I am extremely horny right now.
11:28Your sense of wolf-snickers are driving me absolutely insane.
11:30Stop.
11:32It's always good to be back in my old frats.
11:34I noticed you guys are getting a little soft with your hazing.
11:37When I was a freshman, the senior brothers convinced me to get a tattoo to match theirs.
11:42Then theirs washed off.
11:43Hey, remember you told me to follow Patel's wife's socials?
11:46Well, it's finally paying off.
11:48I got a discount at Madewell, and I just found out that Frank is hosting a dinner party with Wayne
11:52right now.
11:53I knew it.
11:54That was plotting energy.
11:58I present Salmon a la Shah.
12:02What's everyone else eating?
12:07Oh, so good.
12:09Oh, Shred's finally here.
12:20The lawn is a national lampoon movie.
12:23No!
12:25Get away!
12:27This is Templeton's day.
12:28I've never sprinkled all over it.
12:39That's Doc Whiskers.
12:45Throwing a rager on a Tuesday?
12:46I'm appalled, Frank.
12:47I just rushed here from Bible Studies as soon as I heard.
12:50Save it, Officer Judge.
12:51I know you're responsible for this.
12:52You told me you're a legacy member of this frat when we were on our drive.
12:56You even taught me the handshake.
12:58He had to rush twice.
12:59It didn't get in his first semester.
13:00Because I went with my mom the first time.
13:02Frank put the bat in your pastry.
13:03Okay, I guess I'm dealing with a couple pranksters here.
13:05You're both missing the esprit de corps that makes animal control special.
13:09We put the animals before ourselves, and you've both lost sight of that.
13:13So neither of you are getting my endorsement.
13:17Wayne.
13:17Wayne, please.
13:19Do not drink out of that vase.
13:21What are you doing?
13:22No.
13:23Hey.
13:23Oh, my gosh.
13:24You're here.
13:24Thank God.
13:25Yeah.
13:25Our plan to impress Wayne is a disaster.
13:27I'm so sorry I'm late.
13:28Coffee went long, and then we went to mini golf.
13:30It was a whole thing.
13:31No, it's okay.
13:31It doesn't matter.
13:32What matters is you're here now.
13:35And so is Cassie.
13:37Cassie's here.
13:37Yeah, Frank texted while we were at the batting cages.
13:40He said to come right away.
13:41The batting cages?
13:42I played softball in college.
13:44At Princeton.
13:45She gets weird about it.
13:46Just say you went there.
13:47Why are you weird about it?
13:48It must be so nice to be so pretty and smart and athletic.
13:52Do you want to get something to drink?
13:53Um, Emily, do you want anything?
13:56No, thank you.
13:57I'm good.
13:58Just worried about your date.
13:59Okay.
14:08Who would have thought they're living out my worst nightmare could be so hard?
14:12Nightmare's a little strong.
14:14They gave us the number for their gutter guy, but like on a physical card.
14:18Why do they have this?
14:19Did they just ask him for extras?
14:21I get that it's sad stuff, but is it?
14:23I mean, I'm actually excited about Taste of Seattle.
14:27Are you still doing a bit?
14:28We're not going to that.
14:29Why not?
14:30Because we're not Myron Patel.
14:32Yeah, but would it be that bad if someday we were?
14:36Okay, we're not the mum and dad types.
14:39Okay, but this corner zip has awoken something inside of me.
14:42Like a werewolf, but with a mortgage.
14:45And literally on the weekends.
14:46Oh, um, yeah.
14:48I need to meet.
14:49Wait, wait.
14:51Wait, what is that leaving for the cheese thing?
14:56Oh, that's hot.
14:57Beg it up.
14:58It is hot.
14:59Beg it up.
14:59Beg it up.
15:00What?
15:01What?
15:01Oh, wow.
15:02Okay.
15:03Oh.
15:04I love this song, too.
15:06It's so good.
15:07I can't help but dance.
15:09Oh, my God.
15:10Oh, my God.
15:10Cass, I'm so sorry.
15:12That's so crazy that that happened.
15:14Oh, it's really, it's okay.
15:16I have another shirt in my work bag.
15:18Okay.
15:19She's a pediatric oncologist.
15:21Ah, you are.
15:23Wow, you're saving the little ones.
15:24That's out of sight.
15:25Wow, I myself, I volunteer at a women's shelter, so.
15:29St. Augustine's?
15:30Uh-huh.
15:30I'm there like four times a week.
15:32Yeah, it has been a minute since I've been there.
15:35I used to go Saturdays, but I found this one yoga class, so.
15:39There's actually a guest bedroom upstairs if you want to change.
15:41Yes, yes, Shred, but she doesn't know the house.
15:44So why don't you be a gentleman and show her where the second bedroom is?
15:49You know what?
15:49I'll take you.
15:50Oh, you're so sweet.
15:52Yeah.
15:52You remind me of my aunt.
15:53Aw.
15:54Whoops, got you again.
15:56Oh.
15:57Get you changed.
16:00Remember your technique of slicing into the onion, making some levels.
16:05Sorry, wrong room.
16:07Yeah.
16:10So, Shred seems great.
16:12Yeah, yeah, Shred, he's not great.
16:16Mm-mm.
16:17He's pretty problematic.
16:18Yeah, he's a real hound dog.
16:20He seems so nice at the batting cages.
16:22I'm sure he was.
16:23That's one of his moves, though.
16:25It's toxic respect.
16:26It's the new gaslighting.
16:28Is that a thing?
16:29If I were you, I would put on several layers of clothes, like, just right now, and maybe
16:35just, you know, leave without even saying goodbye.
16:38Yeah.
16:38Let's just bundle you up and...
16:39No, that's a good idea.
16:40...and get you out of here, you know?
16:42Thank you so much.
16:43That award came with a $10,000 prize.
16:46I was gonna travel to Turkey.
16:48I assume for hair transplants and all the Botox your brow can hold?
16:51Lip filler.
16:52Can't put a price on being a legend.
16:54I was blinded by my hatred for you.
16:56Lost sight of the animals.
17:04Hey, look.
17:05I stole our mascot.
17:07Free the holes!
17:09That's not big bro!
17:11Not cool, Trey.
17:12Get off the camel.
17:13Okay.
17:15Okay.
17:16Yeah!
17:17Yeah!
17:18Yeah!
17:19Yeah!
17:20Yeah!
17:21Yeah!
17:27Flank him.
17:28I'll go left.
17:29Hey, Siri, play my hops by Fergie.
17:31Sorry, Mom.
17:32No, don't call Mom.
17:33Play my hops.
17:34Hey, Cassie texted.
17:35She left the party.
17:37What?
17:38I teed that up for you.
17:40She was perfect.
17:41Smart, family money, tight little church body.
17:43How tight was that body, Emily?
17:45Honestly, very tight.
17:46Did you say family money?
17:47Baby boy, what the hell happened?
17:48She wasn't right for me, because I'm in love with someone else.
17:58Who is it?
17:59I want names.
18:02My ex, Camilla.
18:04She's an Olympic snowboarder, and I still have feelings.
18:07Okay, I need some eyes on this ice cream.
18:09Yeah.
18:10Oh, you still have photos of her on your phone.
18:13That's nice.
18:15And she's an Olympian?
18:16Oh, you're not getting any better than this.
18:18Come on, let's go get a drink, and we can game plan on how we're going to get her back.
18:21Okay.
18:22Go get her back.
18:24Yeah.
18:24Go get her back.
18:27Hey.
18:28Hey.
18:29Sorry, I sort of freaked out.
18:32You caught me off guard.
18:34I think I caught myself off guard, too.
18:36Do you really want all that stuff?
18:39Kids, house, a belt that's not rope.
18:43I've been adrift for all my life, and tonight I got a preview of what it would be like to
18:50settle down with a girl that I really like.
18:52And I really liked it.
18:57Hmm.
18:59See, that scares me, because I don't want those things.
19:06Deal.
19:07Damn.
19:09Damn.
19:14I don't want to stand in the way of you chasing what you want.
19:19So what does that mean?
19:20Are we breaking up?
19:23I think we are.
19:31Make way for the drama day!
19:33Listen up, all you Aiden, Brayden, Caden, Jadens, and Noahs.
19:37This thing has a 15-foot spit radius.
19:40That's a 30-foot diameter.
19:41Math major, bitches.
19:46So now would probably be a good time to tell you I have a bit of a jealousy problem.
19:52Yeah.
19:52Yeah, you really scared the crap out of that poor girl.
19:55I know.
19:55I had to, though, because no one told me she was this athletic doctor with generational wealth who saves sick
20:01kids and is also, like, super hot.
20:03Yeah, but that's not what I want.
20:05I want you.
20:06Wow.
20:07No, no.
20:09You're hot.
20:10Okay.
20:10Obviously, you're like this incredible boss that works with disadvantaged women when it works with her yoga schedule.
20:16Stop.
20:16And that's what I like.
20:20So, you're in love with someone?
20:22I did say that, didn't I?
20:25Might I ask who, or...?
20:41Well, enjoy this.
20:43It'll be the last time I offer you a drink that doesn't require an antidote.
20:46That might be the first-ever dual-scooter frat party camel rescue.
20:50Too bad Wayne wasn't here to see it.
20:52He saw everything, brah.
20:58You two put your petty squabbles aside, and you put the animals first, and that is what this award is
21:03all about.
21:04You both get my endorsement to be in the final ten nominees.
21:06Congratulations, sir.
21:08Thanks.
21:09Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to be in Boise in the morning, or should I say, a vending
21:13machine guy named Rocco does.
21:16We did it.
21:17We're back in the game.
21:18You know, and for those ten minutes, I didn't abhor your presence.
21:21Samesies.
21:21You know, it's nice seeing you two work together.
21:25Maybe we can bring that energy back to the precinct.
21:27Hey, Trey, celebratory keg stand.
21:29I want a brother on every limb.
21:31Let's do it, boys.
21:33D.A. D.A.
21:36Bury that man.
21:37Oh, he's already dead.
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