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00:02Stroopzorff is so honored to be hosting its first international peace talks,
00:05and we are proposing that we throw the events with a spa theme.
00:09We're building up to the park.
00:10Seriously? Been dragging this thing around for 30 minutes.
00:13Okay. You know what? Someone else can move it.
00:16As I was saying, we are honored to be hosting, and we think it would be...
00:20Honored could be pushing it a bit, sir. You know how I feel about these things.
00:23My old saying, those who can't fight, negotiate.
00:26Well, we all know that the only reason this is happening here
00:28is because you've been making kissy-kissy with General Martin.
00:31Somebody sounds a little bit jealous.
00:34Okay. We can all agree that we need these talks to go well.
00:37Yes. So it's important that we make the delegates feel like they are...
00:41Wine moms at 8.15 a.m. on the first day of school.
00:44Which is why we have the Army's only on-site sommelier.
00:47This is a 1986 Chateau Bordeaux.
00:50It's full-bodied with hints of black currant and a velvety finish.
00:54And we have a sauna now, sir, which is basically a cedar closet
00:57that we emptied out and filled up with space heaters.
00:59But it is hot in there, and people can go pantsless.
01:02And wrap themselves in luxurious towels.
01:05Mm-hmm. These swans are good.
01:07I genuinely don't know how to be bad at something.
01:09They should have a work on a carnival cruise.
01:11And I'm a masseuse, but only chicks.
01:14You know what? I'm sold.
01:16Yes.
01:17Don't change a thing.
01:18And these swans are really a lovely touch.
01:23Oh, my God.
01:24Thank you, sir.
01:25You're welcome.
01:26All right.
01:29I knew he would love these ideas, right?
01:31Guys. Guys.
01:31Shut it down.
01:32What?
01:32No, no. He hates it.
01:33He's going to sabotage us.
01:35He clearly loves us.
01:36I know what I'm talking about.
01:38I'll tell you this, Colonel.
01:40You have made some excellent soda back there.
01:42My skin is glowing.
01:45Oh, do you need this towel to make another swan, or...?
01:47No, no, no, no.
01:48We're good working.
02:08So far, I'm liking working together.
02:10I know. You can't beat the commute from the bedroom, right?
02:13All right.
02:14The first delegates are arriving in five minutes.
02:17Diplomacy is my least favorite part of the job.
02:19Worse than when I dug a bullet out of my thigh with a knife.
02:21Although, it was kind of satisfying.
02:23It was like a fleshy Easter egg hunt.
02:25I think peace is just completely overrated.
02:27I mean, we have all these great war machines, like fighter jets and tanks.
02:30And, you know, kids aren't interested anymore.
02:32I blame video games.
02:34I think people are just squandering their bloodlust on couches.
02:36Thankfully, I have an aide to camp who handles the logistics for me.
02:39She's good.
02:40Just don't mention Amsterdam.
02:42She went there last week, and she won't stop talking about the Van Gogh Museum.
02:45What is wrong with this generation of soldiers?
02:47We don't want to hear about your stupid dreams and your fantasy football
02:51and some guy that cut his ear off.
02:53Keep it to yourself.
02:54Speaking of faking interest, I'm gonna have to do a lot of that this week.
02:58It's kind of key to my battle strategy.
03:00See, the real talks don't happen at the talks.
03:02Those talks are the fake talks.
03:04The real, real talks happen outside the fake, real talks.
03:08God, this is why I love guns.
03:18Admiral, nice to see you.
03:20Oh, Generale!
03:21I knew that jury would acquit you.
03:23And what a half!
03:24Huh.
03:25It has to work right.
03:26I can't do this.
03:27All right.
03:27Would you care for some Stroopstorf Swiss?
03:31You know, its roots actually go all the way back to World War II
03:34when an American soldier romanced a local cheesemonger's daughter.
03:37In Dutch, it's known as...
03:41Or unplanned pregnancy cheese.
03:44Enjoy.
03:45What the hell's going on here?
03:47They got you on cheese duty?
03:49General Martin's aide-de-camp that Major Higley put me in as greeter,
03:53but I thought I would take it as an opportunity to show people what Stroopstorf is all about.
03:57I'm honored to be but a small piece of the peace process.
04:02You know what's going on here?
04:03Hmm?
04:03She has you assigned to an outpost far from the action,
04:06while she is on the front lines soaking up all the glory and the connections, okay?
04:10She is sidelining you.
04:12I am going to excel at the job that I was given, and that is how you win.
04:16No, honey, that's how you give up and lose.
04:18You need to go quint or go home.
04:20That's what you need to do.
04:21You said that you were going to be in your office all day.
04:23In fact, your exact words were, call me when the dorks make up.
04:26I'm going to go talk to General Martin about this.
04:28No, don't do that.
04:29Why?
04:29That's like a total helicopter parent move.
04:32What's that?
04:33Helicopter parenting.
04:34It's like a very common parenting term.
04:37I'd love to be a helicopter parent.
04:39I could probably really be good at that.
04:41I could be an Apache helicopter parent, like the most badass helicopter parent of all time.
04:46Helicopter parenting is a bad thing.
04:48How could it be a bad thing?
04:50I mean, a helicopter is like one of the greatest war machines ever invented.
04:53Giant whirling blades cutting through the air, and you can fire missiles as death from above for your enemies,
04:58and they're really loud.
04:59You've got to yell inside, you've got to yell outside.
05:01I love them.
05:02Helicopter parents try to control everything in their kids' lives by hovering over every decision they make.
05:06You're really selling it.
05:07No, Dad, don't.
05:08What?
05:08Like, look, let me fight my own battles.
05:10Let me just hover above.
05:12You have to wear a hairnet.
05:13Right.
05:14Yes.
05:15Right here.
05:18A little hovering.
05:21Ranger Higby, I heard about your recent trip to Amsterdam.
05:24Have you heard about our little drug testing program here at the base?
05:32Sorry, soldiers.
05:33Phone's in the bin.
05:34Colonel's orders.
05:35We can't have any information about the peace talks leaking before they've reached an agreement.
05:39We are now on a base-wide internet blackout, and you are sequestered to the teen center.
05:44You know, there was a time before phones.
05:46Your generation's whole lives are on your devices.
05:48I only use mine for work.
05:50Other than that, I exist in the real world.
05:52See?
05:53Easy.
05:54Shaw is right.
05:55Rules are rules.
05:56This is important.
05:59Conway?
06:00Hmm?
06:01All your phones, please.
06:03Okay.
06:05You got me.
06:06Mmm.
06:07Yep.
06:09Mmm.
06:14And the Saturday night special in your ankle holster.
06:18Okay.
06:24Good.
06:25Next.
06:26All right, Jan, let's rehearse this.
06:29What is up, y'all?
06:30This is Corporal Elias Papadakis, a.k.a. Papadadadakis.
06:35I'm gonna be your emcee for this whole freak-nasty weekend apiece.
06:40Now, let's get things kicked off with a little cha-cha slide over to that table over there.
06:45You can get a security badge, and remember, only one lanyard per person.
06:50Ask the official translator for the weekend.
06:53I will translate.
06:55Por favor, Tomes Sus Cordones.
06:57Yes.
06:58But, Jan, you left that all...
07:00You left it all my flair.
07:02Yes.
07:02Okay, Papadakis.
07:03I need you to listen, okay?
07:05Now it's time for serious.
07:06These are important people.
07:08These are peace talks.
07:09Next time, I'mma need my stag verbatim, or else.
07:14Hey.
07:16Higley failed her drug test?
07:18Oh, my God.
07:19Well, that's Amsterdam for you.
07:20People ride bikes because they're too high to drive.
07:22The talk's just started.
07:23My aide, whose running point, is indefinitely suspended.
07:26Man on the wall of shame, which we call the wall of flame
07:28because most of the people out there get caught smoking weed.
07:30I don't know what I'm gonna do.
07:32Well, what about Maggie?
07:33Hmm.
07:34I don't know if she's ready.
07:35She's a queen.
07:37She was born ready.
07:41Enjoy.
07:43Put the cheese down.
07:44Oh, and do, like, a charcuterie for...
07:46You have a new assignment.
07:48Cheese related.
07:48No, honey, forget the cheese.
07:49There's been a change of plans.
07:51You're now in charge of all summit events.
07:52In charge.
07:53Mm-hmm.
07:54Yeah.
07:54Thank you, ma'am.
07:54Oh, Prime Minister.
07:55Cute tie.
07:57I love a bold neutral.
07:58Come here.
08:01I wonder what happened.
08:02I think she just saw what you were doing with the cheese thing,
08:04and she was like, hey, I want this girl to put some of her quinn sauce
08:07on my peace talks.
08:08That's what I meant.
08:09Straight.
08:09Right.
08:10I'll give her the sauce.
08:11One thing, hairnet.
08:12Hairnet?
08:13Yes.
08:14Ha!
08:18Okay, time to rehearse Papadakis.
08:20Remember what we talked about.
08:21Less is more.
08:22Yeah, shut up.
08:23Yeah.
08:23What's up, y'all?
08:25It's your boy, Papadakis, back on the mic.
08:28Listen.
08:28Next piece that starts in five minutes, and now would make an excellent time to go tinkle.
08:34We should maybe grab some water or something.
08:36That's a great idea.
08:37Cool down a little bit.
08:38Do we know what this flag is?
08:43It was upside down.
08:45You know, I can actually see the resemblance between you and Maggie.
08:50Well, I think she looks more like her mom.
08:51They both have a weird-shaped skull.
08:54Because she, too, was on the verge of failure.
08:56I think she's gonna be fine.
08:57This is basically glorified party planning.
09:00Well, one more high-profile screw-up and, you know, I can have you replaced.
09:13Hey.
09:14Hi.
09:15How you doing?
09:15Seems like it's going pretty good.
09:17Maggie seems to be killing it.
09:19She better.
09:20Several countries have added delegates at the last minute, and the seating chart is a minefield.
09:24How much of a minefield can it be?
09:26It's just lunch, right?
09:26No, no, it's not just lunch.
09:28Remember how I told you the real talks don't actually happen at the talks?
09:31That I launch a diplomacy sneak attack the moment they least expect it?
09:34Well, this is that moment.
09:35Oh.
09:36The lunch is the most important part of the whole summit.
09:38Oh.
09:40Ooh, how bad.
09:42God, who brings plus 20 to a peace talk?
09:45Oh, God.
09:53The door.
09:54She killed him and...
09:56All right.
09:57Nice.
09:58Look at this.
09:58Everyone's adjusting to life without phones really well.
10:01Congratulations.
10:02We discovered that the phones were inside of us all along.
10:06We've been sitting here talking like a real-life group chat.
10:09You mean a conversation?
10:10Yeah, but the LOLs just hit different in real life.
10:13Oh.
10:14Sorry.
10:15I thought I felt my phone vibrate.
10:16Phantom vibrations.
10:17Oh, looks like you're the one who's jonesing for a phone.
10:21We getting for some speaking, dying for some dialing.
10:24It's so sad.
10:25Your generation is worse than us.
10:27You're addicted to your phones and you don't even know how to use them.
10:29What, do you miss your big thought or putting period behind every word
10:32or accidentally leaving your flashlight on for 10 minutes at a time?
10:35Okay, no.
10:36It's just a work day and my work is on my phone, okay?
10:40Oh.
10:40It is important for me to be available for the Colonel at all times.
10:42I should call him, you know?
10:44Yeah.
10:45I don't have a phone so I can't call him and he can't call me.
10:48And that's okay.
10:49Yeah.
10:51Um, I'm just gonna walk it off.
10:53How many steps do I have today anyways?
10:55Oh, I did it again.
10:56Okay.
10:57Uh, I just like to look at my GPS, know where I went, how long it took me to get
11:00there.
11:00But I can do that myself.
11:02One, two, I'm in the teen center.
11:04Three, four, five, heading left.
11:07Six, going into the meeting room.
11:09Seven, eight.
11:14Hey.
11:17Is this the menu?
11:19Dad, please.
11:20Oh, I just, I don't know, honey, if you understand how important this lunch is.
11:24Of course I understand how important this lunch is.
11:25Okay, well, it was news to me.
11:27What?
11:27It's pretty important, apparently.
11:29I've got a lot going on right now.
11:30You know that way more delegates are coming than expected, which means I have to redo the
11:33seating chart and I have to add courses to the menu.
11:36Oh, okay.
11:37So, lots to do.
11:37Would love the space to do it.
11:38Okay, well, I'm giving you the space.
11:39You are not.
11:40You are hovering.
11:40I'm...
11:41Kind of like a literal helicopter.
11:42An Apache helicopter.
11:44Yep.
11:44Dad, General Martin gave me this job because she believes in me.
11:47But just somebody gives you a job because they believe in you doesn't mean they can't
11:50take it away from you.
11:50That's, that's what a boss does.
11:51Okay.
11:52I was born to do this.
11:53Calm down.
11:54Okay.
11:54I'm trying.
11:54And these forks are too small.
11:56What did I say?
11:58Oh, boy.
11:59We're in, we're in a world to hurt.
12:02Hey, strike the whole menu.
12:03We need steak and potatoes.
12:04Okay?
12:04Captain Quinn just confirmed the new courses.
12:07Well, Colonel Quinn is telling you there's a freezer full of steaks and we need to start
12:10cooking them up.
12:10Okay?
12:11You want world peace or not?
12:12Let's go.
12:13Because this fork, we know what this fork is for.
12:16You know, just an average fork.
12:17We want the baby version of this.
12:18But when I say baby version, I don't mean this because this feels like a fork for babies.
12:26You know, and you absolutely got this.
12:28And I believe in you and appreciate you.
12:29Thank you so much.
12:31You are hovering.
12:32I know.
12:32I had to hop her because I wanted you to know a very important thing.
12:35I told the chef to change the menu from your...
12:38What?
12:38...fru-fru finger foods.
12:39We need to go heavy.
12:40We need...
12:40Dad.
12:41We need to go steak, potatoes, gravy, maybe a side of stew.
12:44Oh, a side of stew?
12:45Yes.
12:45Because heavy food makes them tired.
12:47They'll agree to anything just to get out of the talks and go take a nap.
12:50You know that there's people who don't eat beef.
12:51I know.
12:52People who don't eat pork.
12:52People who don't eat meat at all.
12:53I know, but they're not here.
12:54They don't have important jobs.
12:56Yes, they are.
12:56They do have important jobs.
12:57Dad, you can't just go and change my menu.
12:58I am just trying to help.
13:00Okay?
13:01There's a lot riding on this.
13:02Yeah, yeah, yeah.
13:03If you want to help, then you have to change my menu back.
13:05Okay?
13:05Okay.
13:06I don't know how cucumber got its own sandwich.
13:08Yeah.
13:09And...
13:11I actually, I...
13:13I actually do need your help with something.
13:15Really?
13:16Yes.
13:17I forgot that I need to restock the kitchen with propane tanks.
13:20You know, I'm sure they need them for the auxiliary burners and...
13:23You want me to be...
13:26Mission Propane.
13:27Okay.
13:28So I'll get some, uh...
13:30Some propane tanks and bring them back.
13:32Changing the menu back first.
13:33I'm going.
13:36Killed the steaks.
13:37Go back to the cucumber sandwiches.
13:39I'm getting 200 steaks, Brad.
13:40I know, but apparently vegetarians are running countries now.
13:47Oh, hi.
13:48Captain, I must say you are really rising to the occasion.
13:51You keep this up, you can join me at the peace talk circuit.
13:54Geneva, Versailles...
13:57Oslo.
13:57One step at a time.
13:59Absolutely.
14:00Yeah.
14:00Thank you, ma'am.
14:03Having fun?
14:04Thief?
14:05Uh, sorry?
14:06The random drug test?
14:09I don't know what you're talking about.
14:11I don't know what you're talking about.
14:11The only reason you have this job is because I was targeted for a drug test.
14:14And because I wanted to make the Van Gogh Museum a little more vibrant, I failed it.
14:18Look, I'm sorry, I had nothing to do with that.
14:21You only have this job because daddy made it happen.
14:23No.
14:23You have no idea what you're doing.
14:24You're the worst kind of Nepo baby.
14:26You're no Dakota Johnson.
14:27You're Scott Eastwood.
14:31I am Dakota Johnson.
14:35She thinks she got into my head.
14:37She did not get into my head.
14:40Ha!
14:41Listen to me very carefully.
14:42Uh, we are going back to steak and potatoes.
14:45What?
14:46You heard me.
14:47You heard me.
14:50Exactly what Dakota Johnson would have done.
14:57The Prime Minister can't be sitting next to the Sheikh, right?
15:02And obviously not next to the Premier.
15:04That makes no sense.
15:06Um...
15:07Ladies and gentlemen!
15:08Doors are open for lunch.
15:10Come on in and find your seat.
15:13What if they weren't sitting?
15:14Well, uh, uh, strike the chairs.
15:16Uh, and get high-top tables.
15:18What?
15:19You can't mess up a seating chart if you're not sitting.
15:21Bah!
15:22Just stall while I get rid of the chairs and add...
15:25High-top tables.
15:26Strike that!
15:28There's been a prank.
15:29Y'all just got lunched.
15:31It's something we do in the Army here
15:33where you think there's food and there's nothing.
15:36So y'all gonna be hungry for a minute.
15:49Ah, I am a genius.
15:52Stop elbowing me!
15:53I'm trying to cut my steak on this high-top table.
15:57What is this menu?
15:58I can't eat this.
16:00I am not a genius.
16:02Mm-mm.
16:03Propane.
16:06You gotta be kidding me.
16:08You know, the only thing worse than an errand
16:10is a fool's errand.
16:13Look, I-I needed you to stop helicoptering.
16:15And-and, by the way,
16:17you really thought I wouldn't find out about General Martin's aid?
16:20I don't care about that.
16:21I'm proud of that, honey.
16:22I got a woman to pee in a cup for you.
16:23That means something.
16:24Dad, I want to succeed based on my own merits.
16:27Not because my daddy came in and blasted away the competition.
16:31It was a direct hit.
16:32Splash. Good.
16:32I believed in myself because I thought that General Martin believed in me,
16:36and now I am so lost and confused and kind of losing my mind if I'm being honest.
16:40No, no, no, relax.
16:41You're fine.
16:42You're going to be fine, okay?
16:44This is culinary outrage.
16:47Should've gone with the steak and potatoes.
16:49I did.
16:50Potatoes.
16:51Two of these countries fought in the potato wars of 1637.
16:55Who changed the menu I approved?
16:57They did.
17:00Like six times.
17:02It wasn't six times.
17:04Fix this.
17:05Now.
17:07Yes, ma'am.
17:16Looking for something?
17:17Ah.
17:20I need my phone.
17:21My bones are cold.
17:22That means there's a work crisis.
17:23I just know it.
17:23Remember who implemented this media blackout in the first place?
17:26You are not yourself right now.
17:28Leave the phone.
17:29Let me see my messages.
17:30You are a workaholic.
17:31The colonel needs me.
17:32It's who I am.
17:33Shut up.
17:33You are more than your child.
17:34Fine.
17:38When I was a kid,
17:41my grandparents, they had a...
17:43a bakery.
17:44Sneak attack!
17:45Ha ha!
17:45Me!
17:46No!
17:48I might have a problem.
17:49You definitely do.
17:50Mm-hmm.
17:52Look, you're using words to distract yourself from your personal life,
17:55and I get it.
17:56No one does as many scams as I do and is a well-adjusted person.
17:59I don't have a personal life to avoid, okay?
18:01I'm a recent divorcee who actually wants his boss to call him on nights and weekends
18:05so I can feel like someone needs me.
18:07Well, you're welcome to come over any time.
18:10I mean, I won't be there, but you can vacuum.
18:15We're handling this situation.
18:16These aren't even the real, real talks.
18:18They're the fake, real talks, as you know.
18:21This was not General Martin's fault.
18:22It was the officer in charge of the base's fault,
18:25whoever that buffoon is.
18:26Maybe Colonel Patrick Quinn.
18:29I can't believe I made such a big mistake.
18:31And with everything riding on this, like, it's the talks and the base and our jobs,
18:36and I've ruined it.
18:37I've ruined it all.
18:39I wasn't ready for this.
18:41Who could be ready for two countries that went to war over potatoes
18:45and one of them is not Ireland?
18:46I should have known, okay, that this is what I want to do.
18:48You know, this is the world that I want to be in.
18:50Don't be so hard on yourself.
18:52That's my job.
18:54Yes.
18:55I don't know.
18:55I'm sure you have an annoying idea up your sleeve, right?
18:59Okay, well...
19:00Actually, I have something.
19:01Good.
19:02You know, remember all those ideas that I had for the peace talks
19:04that you didn't want to do, you hated them?
19:06Yep.
19:06We're gonna do them.
19:07Thank God I kept the harp.
19:12Now you don't hover.
19:13I am.
19:13I got it.
19:14I got it.
19:14Let's go.
19:17Welcome.
19:22Breathe in.
19:23Drink wine.
19:28See, this is what Stroopstorf has that nobody else has.
19:32People who are willing to turn their teen center into a spa.
19:36People who come together to make something successful.
19:40People who are there for each other.
19:42And that is not nothing.
19:45Yeah, I mean, I still wish we had something else.
19:47But, well, let's go with the spa thing.
19:49Papa Duddy Dacus welcomes you to the Stroopstorf spa.
19:53Where is any level coming in Stroopstorf?
19:57Health and Lendina.
19:58May I carry value?
20:00Frau Papa Duddy Dacus.
20:02Jan.
20:03You did my stank.
20:05In the spirit of peace, I threw my ass into it.
20:15I'm going to check.
20:18I'm going to check.
20:18I'm going to check.
20:19I'm going to check.
20:19I'm going to check.
20:19I'm going to check.
20:19Just see if they're happy.
20:19See if it's working or...
20:21Um, well, I mean, they don't, they don't look happy, but they, maybe they're, like,
20:25like, calm?
20:26They look calm?
20:27What is calm?
20:27They look calm or not happy?
20:28Well, they look, like, relaxed.
20:29I don't know.
20:30That's good.
20:31You have to.
20:31Hey!
20:32Sit down.
20:33Oh, okay.
20:34General Martin, I am so sorry.
20:37And I completely understand if you don't want me in the professional development program.
20:40I was able to get the real, real talk started again.
20:43Two countries, which I cannot disclose, are right now having discussions in the sauna.
20:4764 degrees Celsius really loosens folks up.
20:49Is that hot?
20:51Is that hot?
20:51Look, you screwed up, but you fixed it.
20:53And that's where the real skill lies.
20:55Not everything has to be perfect.
20:56Now, I got to get back there to that weird masseuse to get rid of this knot in my neck.
21:00Well, I could get that.
21:01Thank you, ma'am.
21:02No.
21:02No.
21:03Okay.
21:03Let me have this.
21:04Oh.
21:05You may have pulled this one off, Quinns, but when next you fail, rest assured I will
21:11be there.
21:12Okay.
21:13Okay.
21:14Understood, sir.
21:15Uh, I'm sorry, but if world peace depends on seeing his skinny legs in that robe, I'm
21:21not...
21:22I can't do it.
21:23Couldn't agree more.
21:23I'd rather go to war.
21:25Whoa!
21:27Is that a bullet wound?
21:28Yeah, really get in there.
21:30Okay.
21:31Ow!
21:32Oh.
21:33I didn't say stop.
21:34Okay.
21:34Keep going.
21:35It's going so well!
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