Animal Control S04E09

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Transcript

00:01America's 250th birthday is coming up, which means fireworks.

00:05Woo-hoo!

00:05But if you're a dog, boo-hoo.

00:08We're not expecting you to stop firing off explosives.

00:10This is still America.

00:12But here's how to keep your pets safe,

00:13even while the world around them gets loud.

00:16Dress your dog in a weighted vest and earmuffs.

00:19Works a charm. Right, Shred?

00:21I've never felt so calm in my life.

00:23Startled dogs often make a run for it,

00:26so microchip your pet or else this will happen.

00:30Go, run.

00:32Go.

00:33Come on, you're embarrassing me.

00:34Play soothing music to keep your pooch calm.

00:36Or if you're like me and you have perfect pitch, just sing to them.

00:40There's nothing to be afraid of

00:42just because the sky is on fire.

00:46And when in doubt, cuddles go a long way.

00:49And on an unrelated but mandatory note,

00:51Seattle is experiencing a boom in waterborne anal worms.

00:54So make your vaccination appointment soon.

00:57Happy Birthday America!

01:11New apologize!

01:29We'll be here to stop.

01:29Okay, listen up people. The Animal Control Officers Association is sending a

01:34representative today to observe our two Acuti nominees. Acuti? Animal Control

01:39Officer of the Year. Why didn't you just say that? Because Acuti saves time. And

01:43yet here we are. Anyways, they're sending Wayne Peters. Oh, they're bringing in the

01:47big dog. He was the first person to ever win the award and he endorsed eight of

01:50the last nine winners. He's a bit of a kingmaker. If you win Wayne's vote, you

01:55win Officer of the Year. Stay alert. He's been known to undercover boss it with

01:59disguises. He could be an old man looking for a dog. And one time in Eugene, he

02:03was the dog. When is he coming? He's already here. That's right. Always observe

02:09an animal before you enter their habitat. Great to meet you, sir. Officer Dutch.

02:16Officer Shaw. Two nominees from the same precinct. That's rare. Almost like an

02:21albino rattlesnake. Is it hemotoxic or neurotoxic venom? Neuro. You're a badass.

02:28Well, I am here to identify the person who best demonstrates professionalism,

02:31integrity, and a commitment to animal safety. And whoever shows me these

02:35qualities will get my recommendation as one of the ten finalists for this

02:38year's award. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to hit the head. I've been in this

02:42onesie all morning. Wayne is gonna do a ride along with both you and Templeton. I

02:46need you to impress him, because if Templeton wins this award, he's coming for my job. Yeah,

02:49he's got him bolder. I caught him eating lunch here yesterday, doing a pretend zoom

02:53with the mayor. Is that why there was fatal on my keyboard? Frank, you have to win. Guys,

02:57this comes down to personality. I got it in the bag. What are these looks? Guys, I'm diligent. I'm

03:05smart. I'm quick with a zinger. Like, Emily, you'd be taken more seriously if your sentences

03:10didn't sound like questions. Okay, ouch. Yeah, I hate to say it, but I think Templeton has a very

03:14pale leg up on you. The terrible stuff that he says seems like jokes if you don't know them.

03:18Maybe you need to do something, I don't know, a little extra? Something that makes Templeton look

03:23worse? Sorry, is there something wrong with your stomach? No, I think she wants Frank to sabotage

03:28Templeton. As your boss, I would never suggest that. On the record. Yeah, I'm in. Shred, what ideas

03:35do we have left on the dossier? There's the one where we convince Templeton he's becoming the

03:38smallest man on earth, but that could take years. See, I would never condone anything like that,

03:43because that would be cheating. I got it. Just please don't wink again.

03:48Maya's been hounding me for a double date with you and Parker. I've been trying to hold her off,

03:52but she just, she's got this couples therapist wrapped around her finger. Hmm. Usually when Parker

03:56and I meet up with other couples, group six is involved. Yeah, no, this would be like a corner booth

04:02at P.F. Jang's. Say 545, one bottle of wine, split four ways, and you only take home the rest.

04:07Okay,

04:07wow, this is all very heteronormative, trad wife, normcore, which would make it kind of the freakiest

04:14thing that Parker and I had done in a while. You know what? Tell her we're in. Are you sure?

04:19Parker could tuck his shirt in. Oh my God, with a belt. Hilarious, that's so good.

04:25For the record, I don't love you mocking my lifestyle. Old Navy's having a sale.

04:29Huh? I know what I'm doing on Saturday.

04:37Somebody's got to go first. Then again, somebody's got to go last. Doesn't matter to me. Either way,

04:42he's going to be eating a delicious eclair from his favorite bakery. You're bribing him with an

04:45eclair after lunch? That's embarrassing. I'll go first. It's fine by me. All right, that's classic

04:50reverse psychology. I will go second. Figured me out. Now that is reverse psychology. I will go first.

04:58What is that? Hey. Like a violin. Hey, Shred. I had dinner with my friend Cassie last night. I showed

05:07her one of your snowboard clips. She's in. In? To you. And you love her. She's so athletic and pretty

05:13and shorter than you. So I sent her a text this morning and she's open to a setup. Yeah, that's

05:18really sweet and cool. 5'7 is also the global average for men. Not that that matters. But I don't

05:24think I'm really in a place right now. No, listen. I've known her forever from church. She's like my

05:28little church daughter. You're like my work son. It's perfect. Unless are you seeing someone? No, no,

05:33he's not seeing anyone. No, you should do it. She sounds perfect. Um, yes. Okay, yeah, I'd take her

05:40for a spin, ride. I'd go out with her. But can you tell her I'm shy and I don't like

05:45to kiss on the

05:46first date? Oh, nothing makes undies drop faster than a gentleman. I got a good feeling about this.

05:53Uh, sorry, what is happening? Hello, it looks suspicious if you won't go on a setup with the

05:57perfect woman. Yeah, or we could just tell everybody we're together and I don't go on a

06:01weird fake date. It's just, it's not a good time. It's Wayne Peters and the Akutis and there's a

06:05supermoon tomorrow. So this is a better plan. Just trust me. I didn't know about the supermoon.

06:09Yeah. Okay, I will go on the date. But while I'm holding her hand, I'll be imagining it's yours.

06:14Why won't you be holding her hand? This is a very confusing assignment you've given me.

06:21And here I thought my greatest disguise was hiding my sweet tooth.

06:25Good officer does his research.

06:28Oh! Back! Rucidus, Egypticus, unconfined. How do we proceed, officer?

06:33Uh, okay, wet pro condition. School bus on my six. Too dicey to break. I'm gonna confuse its echo location.

06:39Oh! Whoa! Whoa!

06:42Woo! Wee-wee-ho-hoo!

06:47Textbook.

06:50I'll give you that one. I said that. I did say that.

06:53Wayne, I just want to apologize on behalf of the precinct for what you experienced on that ride-along.

06:58Questionable jokes, unnecessary lip-licking, giggling, and whispering like a farmhouse ghost.

07:02Au contraire. Wayne and I had a fine time controlling the animals of Seattle.

07:06He caught a bat while driving. I've never seen such deft fingers.

07:10Um, well, I'm glad you enjoyed your opener because your headliner's about to melt your face off.

07:15Unfortunately, that bat took a huge chunk of our day.

07:17Why don't we just grab a hotel lobby coffee tomorrow? I'm rolling out for Boise around nine.

07:21I'll be there at seven.

07:22I wake up at 8.15.

07:24T-bag. Impressive stuff today, buddy.

07:26Thanks.

07:28Nice try, Frank.

07:29And the acuity goes to Dirk Templeton Dodge.

07:34Why doesn't it just go by Dirk?

07:38This is out of control.

07:39Thanks to your little prank, Templeton looks like gosh dang Captain America.

07:43How was I supposed to know that living Squishmallow was going to be competent for the first time in his

07:47life?

07:47When he takes my job, they'll probably move me to city planning, which we all know is a never-ending

07:51argument about bike lanes.

07:52Don't worry. Frank still has his coffee date, and my man is great in the morning.

07:56He wakes up just a chittering like a field mouse.

07:58I'm not your man, and don't lie.

07:59Six to eight p.m. is my golden hour.

08:01Wait a minute.

08:02Why don't I just invite Wayne over for dinner and drinks at my place?

08:07Why are you doing that again?

08:08Because you're a sad man with a sad house.

08:10Wait, what if we could dilute the sadness with us?

08:13We could throw a dinner party, sing Frank's praises, and then maybe Wayne wouldn't even notice that you have an

08:17entire room for your dog and your cat.

08:19I couldn't do tonight because Maya, she bullied me into a double date with Victoria.

08:22I'm doing that for ironic cosplay reasons.

08:24And so rolling that into a work thing kind of works.

08:27What are you doing?

08:28You guys plotting?

08:29You have plotting energy.

08:31Somebody close the blinds right now.

08:33Sorry.

08:36And his name was Dr. Tarantula.

08:40Cassie, this is Shred.

08:42Oh my god, he's so cute.

08:44Oh, the cat's not too bad either.

08:45Don't worry, we've both been dewormed.

08:47Oh, why don't I take this little fur baby so you two can get going on your date?

08:51Oh, is it date time already?

08:53Yay.

08:54Go have fun, you two.

08:57Yes.

08:57Yes, okay, after you.

09:01Oh, after you.

09:03I bet he's doing that so he can look at her butt.

09:05Ah, yeah, for sure, for sure.

09:07You know, as long as you're matchmaking, feel free to throw some strange my way.

09:10Girl, I got apps for that.

09:12Yeah.

09:14So glad you could make it.

09:15Figured you're on the road.

09:16300 days a year.

09:17Home-cooked meal.

09:18Toasty Italian red by P-nice.

09:20Yeah.

09:20My dinner was going to be the cold bagels that I pocketed from the Ramada, so.

09:24Oh.

09:26Ramada.

09:27May I?

09:28Please.

09:28I am so glad this worked out.

09:30I've been trying to get us all together for ages, but Amit keeps telling me you're too busy.

09:34No, he's totally right.

09:35We're crazy busy these days.

09:37Candle shopping and container store and raising each other to finish the word all.

09:42It was so hard today.

09:44Not for her.

09:45She got it in two guesses.

09:46Exiled.

09:47Well, don't give him the answer.

09:48Let me brag on you, baby.

09:50Let me...

09:50You stop.

09:51You stop.

09:52You stop.

09:53You stop.

09:54No, you stop.

09:55You stop.

09:56He just turned on his eye hammer.

09:57Stop it.

09:58I've got such headache from doing all that laundry.

10:00Oh, stop.

10:01Saucer.

10:03Bye, May.

10:04I just wanted to give a little toast and thank Frank for not only hosting this lovely dinner for

10:10all of us, but also being one of the best officers I've ever known.

10:16His courage, quick thinking, calm under pressure.

10:20If I ever get that dreaded wolf in an orphanage phone call, Frank's my guy.

10:25So, to Frank.

10:27To Frank.

10:28To the big cat.

10:29Stop.

10:30He's the best.

10:31Stop.

10:31Compliments make me uncomfortable.

10:33Your co-workers have a lot of nice things to say about you.

10:36Oh, well, way too many Shred is a bit of a partner crush on me.

10:39Where is he?

10:40Oh, Shred is on a date, but he should be here soon.

10:42I mean, it's only been, um, oh, three hours.

10:45Wow.

10:46You know what we should do next time?

10:48Taste of Seattle.

10:49It's the last Sunday of every month, and this month, the theme is cheese.

10:54Yeah, but they only let you sample three cheeses, and you guys probably have plans.

10:57No, we'll be there.

10:58I'll bring my lactate.

10:59See, babe?

10:59I told you they'd be into it.

11:01No, she didn't.

11:02Just tell me.

11:03All right, couple selfies, are you ready?

11:06I am extremely horny right now.

11:08Your sensible sneakers are driving me absolutely insane.

11:10Stop.

11:11It's always good to be back at my old frats.

11:14I noticed you guys are getting a little soft with your hazing.

11:17When I was a freshman, the senior brothers convinced me to get a tattoo to match theirs,

11:22and theirs washed off.

11:23Hey, remember you told me to follow Patel's wife's socials?

11:26Well, it's finally paying off.

11:27I got a discount at Madewell, and I just found out that Frank is hosting a dinner party with

11:31Wayne right now.

11:32I knew it.

11:33That was potting energy.

11:37I present Salmon a la Shah.

11:41What's everyone else eating?

11:46So good.

11:48Oh, Shred's finally here.

11:52Woo!

11:58Come on is a National Lampoon movie.

12:01Go!

12:03Get away!

12:05This is Templeton's dangerous sprinkled all over it.

12:14That's Doc Whiskers!

12:20Don't want to rage you on a Tuesday.

12:22I'm appalled, Frank.

12:23I just rushed you from Bible studies as soon as I heard.

12:25Save it, Officer Judge.

12:26I know you're responsible for this.

12:28You told me you're a legacy member of this frat when we were on our drive.

12:31You even taught me the handshake.

12:33He had to rush twice.

12:34He didn't get in his first semester.

12:35Because I went with my mom the first time Frank put the bat in your pastry.

12:38Okay, I guess I'm dealing with a couple pranksters here.

12:40You're both missing the esprit de corps that makes animal control special.

12:44We put the animals before ourselves and you've both lost sight of that.

12:48So neither of you are getting my endorsement.

12:52Wayne.

12:52Wayne, please!

12:54Do not drink out of that vase!

12:56What are you doing?

12:57No!

12:57Hey.

12:58Oh my gosh, you're here.

12:59Thank God.

13:00Yeah.

13:00Our plan to impress Wayne is a disaster.

13:02I'm so sorry I'm late.

13:03Coffee went long and then we went to mini golf.

13:05It was a whole thing.

13:05No, it's okay.

13:06It doesn't matter.

13:07What matters is you're here now.

13:09And so is Cassie.

13:11Cassie's here.

13:12Yeah.

13:12Frank texted while we were at the batting cages.

13:14He said to come right away.

13:15The batting cages?

13:17I played softball in college.

13:18At Princeton?

13:19She gets weird about it.

13:20Just say you went there.

13:21Why are you weird about it?

13:22It must be so nice to be so pretty and smart and athletic.

13:26Do you want to get something to drink?

13:27Um, Emily, do you want anything?

13:30No, thank you.

13:31I'm just worried about your date.

13:33Okay.

13:42Who would have thought delivering out my worst nightmare could be so hard?

13:45Nightmare's a little strong.

13:47They gave us the number for their gutter guy, but like on a physical card.

13:51Why do they have this?

13:52Did they just ask him for extras?

13:54I get that it's sad stuff, but is it?

13:56I mean, I'm actually excited about Taste of Seattle.

13:59Look, are you still doing a bit?

14:01We're not going to that.

14:02Why not?

14:03Because we're not Myron Patel.

14:05Yeah, but would it be that bad if someday we were?

14:09Okay, we're not the mum and dad types.

14:12Okay, but this corner zip has awoken something inside of me, like a werewolf, but with a mortgage.

14:17And literally on the weekends.

14:19Oh, um, yeah, I need some meat.

14:22Hey, wait.

14:23Wait, where does that leave us for the cheese thing?

14:29It's hot.

14:29It is hot.

14:30It is hot.

14:31Beg it up, beg it up.

14:32Beg it up.

14:33What?

14:33Oh, wow.

14:34Okay.

14:35Oh.

14:36I love this song, too.

14:38It's so good.

14:39Can't help but dance.

14:41Oh, my God.

14:42Oh, my God.

14:42Cass, I'm so sorry.

14:44That's so crazy that that happened.

14:46Oh, it's really, it's okay.

14:48I have another shirt in my work bag.

14:50Okay.

14:51She's a pediatric oncologist.

14:53Ah, you are.

14:54Wow, you're saving the little ones.

14:56That's out of sight.

14:57Wow.

14:57I, myself, I volunteer at a women's shelter, so.

15:00St. Augustine's?

15:01Uh-huh.

15:01I'm there, like, four times a week.

15:03Yeah, it has been a minute since I've been there.

15:06I used to go Saturdays, but I found this one yoga class, so.

15:10There's actually a guest bedroom upstairs if you want to change.

15:13Yes, yes, Shred, but she doesn't know the house.

15:16So why don't you be a gentleman and show her where the second bedroom is?

15:20You know what?

15:20I'll take you.

15:21Oh, you're so sweet.

15:23Yeah.

15:23You remind me of my aunt.

15:24Aw.

15:26Whoops, got you again.

15:27Boom.

15:28Get you changed.

15:30Fine, here.

15:31Remember your technique.

15:32I'm slicing into the onion, making some levels.

15:35Sorry, wrong room.

15:37Yeah.

15:40So, Shred seems great.

15:42Yeah, yeah, Shred, he's not great.

15:46Mm-mm.

15:47He's pretty problematic.

15:49Yeah, he's a real hound dog.

15:51He seems so nice at the batting cages.

15:52I'm sure he was.

15:53That's one of his moves, though.

15:55It's toxic respect.

15:57It's the new gas lighting.

15:59Is that a thing?

15:59If I were you, I would put on several layers of clothes, like, just right now.

16:04And maybe just, you know, leave without even saying goodbye.

16:07Yeah.

16:08Just bundle you up and get you out of here, you know.

16:11Thank you so much.

16:13That award came with a $10,000 prize.

16:15I was going to travel to Turkey.

16:17I assume for hair transplants and all the Botox your brow can hold?

16:21Lid filler?

16:22Can't put a price on being a legend.

16:24I was blinded by my hatred for you.

16:26Lost sight of the animals.

16:33Hey, look.

16:34I stole our mascot.

16:36Free the holes.

16:38That's my big brow.

16:40Not cool, Trey.

16:41Get off the camel.

16:42Okay.

16:56Blank him.

16:57I'll go left.

16:57Hey, Siri, play my hops if I heard you.

16:59Call me mom.

17:01Don't call mom.

17:01Play my hops.

17:03Hey, Cassie texted.

17:04She left the party.

17:05What?

17:07I teed that up for you.

17:08She was perfect.

17:09Smart, family money, tight little church body.

17:12How tight was that body, Emily?

17:13Honestly, very tight.

17:14Did you say family money?

17:15Baby boy, what the hell happened?

17:17She wasn't right for me because I'm in love with someone else.

17:26Who is it?

17:27I want names.

17:29My ex, Camilla.

17:32She's an Olympic snowboarder and I still have feelings.

17:34Okay, I need some eyes on this ice queen.

17:36Yeah.

17:38Oh, you still have photos of her on your phone.

17:40That's nice.

17:42And she's an Olympian?

17:44Oh, you're not getting any better than this.

17:46Come on, let's go get a drink and we can game plan on how we're going to get her back.

17:49Okay.

17:50Go get her back.

17:51Yeah.

17:51Go get her back.

17:54Hey.

17:55Hey.

17:56Sorry, I sort of freaked out.

17:59You caught me off guard.

18:01I think I caught myself off guard, too.

18:03Do you really want all that stuff?

18:06Kids, house, a belt that's not rope.

18:10I've been adrift for all my life and tonight I got a preview of what it would be like to

18:16settle down with a girl that I really like.

18:19And I really liked it.

18:26See, that scares me because I don't want those things.

18:32Deal.

18:34Damn.

18:36Hey.

18:40I don't want to stand in the way of you chasing what you want.

18:45So what does that mean?

18:46Are we breaking up?

18:49I think we are.

18:57Make way for the drama day!

18:59Listen up, all you Aiden, Brayden, Caden, Jadens, and Noahs.

19:03This thing has a 15-foot spit radius.

19:05That's a 30-foot diameter.

19:07Math major, bitches.

19:12So now would probably be a good time to tell you I have a bit of a jealousy problem.

19:17Yeah.

19:17Yeah, you really scared the crap out of that poor girl.

19:20I know.

19:20I had to, though, because no one told me she was this athletic doctor with generational wealth who saves sick

19:26kids and is also, like, super hot.

19:27Yeah, but that's not what I want.

19:29I want you.

19:31Wow.

19:32No, no.

19:33You're hot.

19:34Okay.

19:35Obviously, you're like this incredible boss that works with disadvantaged women when it works with her yoga schedule.

19:40Shut up.

19:41And that's what I like.

19:44So, you're in love with someone?

19:46I did say that, didn't I?

19:49Might I ask who, or...

20:03Enjoy this.

20:04I did the last time I offer you a drink that doesn't require an antidote.

20:08That might be the first ever dual-scooter frat party camel rescue.

20:12Too bad Wayne wasn't here to see it.

20:14He saw everything, brah.

20:19You two put your petty squabbles aside, and you put the animals first, and that is what this award is

20:24all about.

20:25You both get my endorsement to be in the final ten nominees.

20:28Congratulations, sir.

20:29Thanks.

20:30Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to be in Boise in the morning, or should I say, a vending

20:34machine guy named Rocco does.

20:37We did it.

20:38We're back in the game.

20:39You know, and for those ten minutes, I didn't abhor your presence.

20:42Samesies.

20:42You know, it's nice seeing you two work together.

20:45Maybe we can bring that energy back to the precinct.

20:48Okay, Trey, celebratory keg stand.

20:49I want a brother on every limb.

20:51Yeah, yeah, man.

20:52Let's do it, boys.

20:54Demand!

20:55Demand!

20:56Bury that man.

20:58Oh, he's already dead.

20:59Dennis Leary in an all-new Going Dutch starts now.

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