Finding Ms. Right (2026) Romance Comedy Full Movie HD

Hollywood Cinema

Rico, a spicy Latino who thinks he is God's gift to every woman, finds out that he's not as suave as he thought when the tables are turned.

Transcript

00:00:00Music

00:00:10Jacob climbed the ladder

00:00:14Climbed it to the sky

00:00:18Say, people, what's the matter?

00:00:22Heaven ain't so high

00:00:25People, heaven ain't so high

00:00:30When you got to see

00:00:32You got to see

00:00:37You got to see

00:00:38You got to see

00:00:40You got to see

00:00:42Little children

00:00:46You got to see

00:00:48You got to see

00:00:52You got to see

00:00:54You got to see

00:00:55You got to see

00:00:57You got to see

00:00:58The Israelites, they wandered

00:01:05In the desert

00:01:08Forty years

00:01:09And old Moses

00:01:11Told the children

00:01:14Brush away them tears

00:01:18Hey kids, this ain't no time for tears

00:01:22Children

00:01:23You got to see

00:01:26You got to see

00:01:29You got to see

00:01:30You got to see

00:01:33You got to see

00:01:34You got to see

00:01:36You got to see

00:01:36Little children

00:01:38You got to see

00:01:40You got to see

00:01:44You got to see

00:01:54David, he fought Goliath

00:01:57With nothing but a tiny stone

00:02:00David, little David

00:02:05God knows you're not alone

00:02:08God knows you're not alone

00:02:12David, you got to see

00:02:16You got to see

00:02:20You got to see

00:02:22You got to see

00:02:27David, little David

00:02:29You got to see

00:02:31You got to see

00:02:33You got to see

00:02:35You got to see

00:02:37You got to see

00:02:42My name is Christian Thaddeus Reginald

00:02:46MacArthur O'Connell. And between the ages of eight and 17 years old, good old Uncle Sam

00:02:52restationed my father 12 times. Class, please welcome G.I. Joe.

00:03:00From Wichita to Berlin, nobody wanted to be friends with a new kid.

00:03:05I think G.I. Joe is cool.

00:03:10Thanks. There are a lot of different reasons why people become friends.

00:03:13Because you have a lot in common, or maybe because you want something, or because no one else will be

00:03:20your friend.

00:03:21And that's how I became friends with Adam Lipschitz.

00:03:25How rude of me.

00:03:28Wawa?

00:03:29We were complete opposites, but we became best friends.

00:03:35My first dinner with the Lipschitzes? One word.

00:03:39Why couldn't we have gone to China Palace?

00:03:41Jews.

00:03:42Jenny, we've discussed this.

00:03:44Your cholesterol's 272. Do you want to drop dead of a heart attack by the time you're 50?

00:03:47No, but...

00:03:48Besides, I heard that they cook with the O.G.

00:03:54Adam's mom took control of her men.

00:03:57Now you're right, Arlene. You're always right.

00:04:00The baby just kicked. I love you.

00:04:02I love you.

00:04:02Well, I love you more.

00:04:03No, I love you more.

00:04:04You just wait till later.

00:04:05Ooh, is that a threat or a promise?

00:04:07It kind of freaked me out at first.

00:04:11But I learned to love it.

00:04:13Hi, my name's Suyan. You ready to order?

00:04:18Stop staring at her, Adam. That is rude.

00:04:22You're cute. You stare all you like, little man.

00:04:25You are not, and you will never be, her little man.

00:04:30I never realized how different growing up Jewish was.

00:04:33Where's my burger, Betsy?

00:04:37Until I hung out with the O'Connells.

00:04:39I'm coming.

00:04:40I'm sorry. The tots were frozen, and I had to wait for them to defrost.

00:04:45And where's my Uncle Brian's barbecue sauce?

00:04:49Huh?

00:04:50One word? Gentiles.

00:04:52Oh, I got distracted waiting for my tots.

00:04:55I'll go get it. Don't you want to winch.

00:04:57And he's together, and the throw ends up in the underage.

00:05:01Ah! Touchdown!

00:05:05What the hell? That's a touchdown!

00:05:08I'll tell you one thing.

00:05:09There's nobody who called a better game than Kosella.

00:05:13But boy, did he have him one heck of a beak.

00:05:18Jew beak.

00:05:22The Talmud states that the first 12 years of a Jewish man's life all lead up to the moment where

00:05:29he must transform himself from a boy to a man. Adam Mintz Lipschitz, that moment has arrived.

00:05:36But I'd never been to any Jew-y type of thing until Adam's Bar Mitzvah.

00:05:41De Nograka!

00:05:49De Nogra!

00:05:51De Nograka!

00:05:54corri Griff거.

00:05:57De Nograka!

00:05:57I'm not ready to be a man!

00:05:59I'm not ready to be a man!

00:06:02I'm not ready. I'm not ready. I'm not ready to be a man.

00:06:06And your fault.

00:06:08I'm not ready to be a man.

00:06:10What the hell was that?

00:06:12Bermas was rock.

00:06:15Christian didn't always come up with the smartest ideas.

00:06:18Nobody calls me G.I. Joe.

00:06:20My mom told me that if your hand touches poo, you can get psoriasis.

00:06:25Yeah, whatever. Launch sequence activated.

00:06:28Three, two, one. Commence fire!

00:06:33Mission abort! Mission abort!

00:06:35It might look like I'm having a seizure. I'm not.

00:06:38This is a panic attack. It's hereditary.

00:06:40Get up, ripshits! Get up!

00:06:41I can't, Chris.

00:06:43Go out without me.

00:06:44No! Get up!

00:06:46You bitches!

00:06:49Do either of you know what time it is?

00:06:533.07 a.m., sir.

00:06:54And what do I like to do at 3.07 a.m.?

00:06:58Sleep, sir.

00:06:59Apparently the two of you don't.

00:07:02You two would rather be launching bags of feces?

00:07:07I need a word with you in private.

00:07:12Feces.

00:07:14In here.

00:07:15You see, my son would have executed like a real marine

00:07:20if it hadn't been for private lip shits who had a brain fart.

00:07:25He screwed up the entire operation.

00:07:28Now, what the heck?

00:07:29Kind of a weird shit is that?

00:07:31It's a polmo machine.

00:07:33English!

00:07:33It's for his asthma!

00:07:35So your boy, he's got a fake disease?

00:07:39I bet you make him wear a seatbelt, too.

00:07:41How is your boy still alive?

00:07:43Seriously, how?

00:07:44All I can say is, I thank God and Uncle Sam that I have been re-stationed.

00:07:54Schmuck.

00:07:54Come on, Christian.

00:07:56Let's move.

00:07:56Come on!

00:07:57Where are we moving to, Dad?

00:07:59Camp BlueJeans, South Carolina.

00:08:02But I don't want to move again, Dad.

00:08:03I like it here.

00:08:04You like it here.

00:08:05You're going to love it there.

00:08:06Adam's the best friend I've ever had.

00:08:08Come on, Chris.

00:08:09Chris's the best friend that I've ever-

00:08:12Move.

00:08:16Adam and I lost touch.

00:08:18He was the only Jew I ever knew.

00:08:20But then, college.

00:08:23Could you maybe not mix the potassium, pomaganate, and glycerol?

00:08:26Well, I prefer to not explode before graduation.

00:08:30Here.

00:08:31Use the hydrazine.

00:08:33Thanks.

00:08:33Her name was Rebecca Hadassah Zahava Ogin.

00:08:38You know, me and you have really good chemistry.

00:08:41And just like that, all of my decisions went away.

00:08:46Oh, I'm going to have an order of the fried mozzarella sticks.

00:08:48No, you won't.

00:08:50I didn't have to decide what to eat.

00:08:51Surprise?

00:08:53What?

00:08:53I didn't have to decide what clothes to buy.

00:08:56Oh.

00:08:57And I definitely didn't decide who my friends were going to be.

00:09:01I'm sorry, dudes.

00:09:02But Chris's GPA has dropped over the past two quarters, so he will no longer be hosting poker

00:09:08nights.

00:09:09This is Vance Van Vantersen.

00:09:11I'm coming to you live from the University of Colorado graduation.

00:09:14Yay!

00:09:15I'm standing here with a hot and busty young co-head.

00:09:18Her name is Rebecca Ogin.

00:09:19Say hi for the audience, Rebecca.

00:09:22Hi.

00:09:23Wow.

00:09:23Now, Rebecca has just informed me that she is not wearing anything underneath her graduation

00:09:28gown.

00:09:28Is that true, Rebecca?

00:09:30That is true, Vance.

00:09:31And I dare you to get a close-up.

00:09:39Get out.

00:09:40Oh, no.

00:09:41It's so beautiful.

00:09:42I found this beautiful little pink box.

00:09:45You're disgusting.

00:09:46Now, look, really.

00:09:51Marry me, Rebecca.

00:09:56Uh, Christian, look, these last three years have been a lot of fun together, but we're entering

00:10:02the real world now, and in the real world, this can't work.

00:10:07Why not?

00:10:09Because you're not Jewish.

00:10:14Wait, what are you saying?

00:10:17Christian, it's over, Christian.

00:10:22And now I'm a 31-year-old plumber still crying over his college girlfriend.

00:10:27I miss Beck Beck.

00:10:29Okay, I located about 170 pounds of pressure rising.

00:10:34Over.

00:10:34Okay, located the septic tank.

00:10:37Looking at 85 bars and rising.

00:10:40Over.

00:10:41Are you there, boss?

00:10:43Over.

00:10:43Yeah, guys, I'm here.

00:10:45Sorry, sorry.

00:10:46And did you find the gas line?

00:10:48Yeah, got it.

00:10:49And the septic shut-off line?

00:10:50Got it, too.

00:10:51Okay, boss.

00:10:52We're going to shut them both down, okay?

00:10:54Three, two, shut up!

00:11:00Guys, I'm really sorry.

00:11:01I don't know what happened.

00:11:02I must have spaced out.

00:11:03It's cool, boss.

00:11:04No worries.

00:11:06I space out, too, sometimes.

00:11:08Uh-huh.

00:11:08But if it was my responsibility to turn off the gas and sewer lines to protect the lives

00:11:13of my loyal, hard-working, underpaid employees next to a leaking septic tank with 10,000 pounds

00:11:20of raw sewage, I would not fucking space out!

00:11:23Sir, what did you say I spaced out?

00:11:25Ay, madre de Dios!

00:11:28¿Qué es eso?

00:11:28What is that?

00:11:29What?

00:11:29¿Qué es eso?

00:11:30¿Qué?

00:11:31Of course!

00:11:32What was I thinking coming to work with you today?

00:11:35It's May 25th.

00:11:3725 de mayo.

00:11:38No, pendejo.

00:11:39May 25th is the day that this chica, Rebecca, dumped on nine years ago.

00:11:42Wasn't that the day last year where boss fixed the toilet in the men's room?

00:11:46He accidentally hooked it up to the hot water.

00:11:50Boiling toilete!

00:11:51Boss, I love that day, man.

00:11:53I went to pick a crap and the toilet exploded!

00:11:55I still have porcelain in my ass!

00:11:57Look, boss, me and Juan, okay?

00:12:00We loved you, okay?

00:12:01But we are getting tired of risking our life for this puta!

00:12:04Look, just do it both a favor, go out there and find yourself another puta, and move on

00:12:09with your life, puta!

00:12:10You get on with your life, you putos!

00:12:12I already say that!

00:12:14Boss, can I go to the bathroom?

00:12:16Mm-hmm.

00:12:19Have you ever dreamed of having your nickname embroidered on your favorite undies?

00:12:26What about your gang name on your baseball cap?

00:12:30Mark 40, manatee, uh-huh, Goldie Tooth.

00:12:36Then, come on down to the Embroidery Palace.

00:12:40Where our royal family has provided the highest quality custom embroidery for 50 years.

00:12:45No booty too big, no booty too small, because here at Embroidery Palace, we embroider it all!

00:12:54What the hell?

00:12:55Dammit, sorry, I told her not to call again.

00:12:58Could you be any more pussy whipped for you?

00:13:01Yeah, what now?

00:13:03And here I am, stuck working for the family business, and engaged to Hannah Daniels.

00:13:07This is her 13th call.

00:13:09Yes, I'm available after three tomorrow, why?

00:13:13What?

00:13:13No, why would we have a preschool interview?

00:13:16That doesn't make any sense, you're not even pregnant yet.

00:13:18No, Hannah, it's smart to interview you now.

00:13:19It's very hard to get into a good preschool.

00:13:21This commercial is costing me an assload.

00:13:23Get off the phone!

00:13:24Okay, I gotta go, I gotta go.

00:13:26Yes, I love you, bye.

00:13:29What is that?

00:13:30What?

00:13:31You have a massive blackhead on your forehead, why didn't you cover that before the shoot?

00:13:34Ew, do you want people to change the channel during our commercial?

00:13:38Would you prefer our family go broke?

00:13:40Oh, mom, no, come on, mom.

00:13:42Oh, no, stop moving, Dennis, get me my safety pin.

00:13:43No, not the safety pin, come on.

00:13:45It's five o'clock, I have to go meet Brianna.

00:13:47Well, Brianna's just gonna have to wait.

00:13:49Hold his head.

00:13:49Well, you know what, if my brother wasn't such a douche and his psycho fiancé wasn't calling him every two

00:13:54minutes...

00:13:54She is not a psycho.

00:13:55The best thing that ever happened to your brother.

00:13:57I'm not a douche.

00:13:58Ow!

00:13:59I got it!

00:14:02What the hell?

00:14:05Excuse me.

00:14:07Excuse me.

00:14:10What's going on here?

00:14:13Hannah?

00:14:15Hannah?

00:14:18Oh, me.

00:14:19A jackhammer?

00:14:20Come on.

00:14:21Hannah?

00:14:22Not a bother at all, Mrs. Neiman.

00:14:24You can always call me at home when there's a problem.

00:14:26Why do you think I was ranked number one gynecologist by CityQuest three years in a row?

00:14:30Just remember, no matter how much it might itch, I don't want you to scratch it.

00:14:34Okay, bye.

00:14:35Stupid.

00:14:37Oh, hey.

00:14:38I didn't even hear you sneak in.

00:14:39Oh, probably because of the jackhammer that's outside.

00:14:42How'd the rest of the commercial shoot go?

00:14:44Fine.

00:14:44What the hell is going on around here?

00:14:46They're starting construction in the baby's room.

00:14:48Isn't it exciting?

00:14:49Honey, I know that you want to have a baby so bad, and so do I in the future, but

00:14:55there

00:14:55is no baby to build a room for yet.

00:14:58There's not even a fetus to build a room for yet.

00:15:02But it can take up to 18 months to complete construction on the Series 6 BPBC.

00:15:05I'm sorry, BPBC?

00:15:10Baby protection bedchamber.

00:15:12Oh, God.

00:15:13You enter here through the antibacterial wash chamber to disinfect and put on sterilized scrubs.

00:15:18Once inside, you'll be surrounded by fire-retardant jungle book wallpaper, a 6-inch thick bullet

00:15:23and germ-proof baby encasement unit, 24-hour closed-circuit video surveillance, life-sized

00:15:28parental control reinforcements, anthrax detector, radon detector, carbon monoxide detector,

00:15:33smoke detector, and faulty detector detector, and a panic room.

00:15:37And-and what is this?

00:15:39For an extra 30 grand, they can install an underground escape tunnel just in case a panic room

00:15:42gets overrun by terrorists.

00:15:45Terrorists.

00:15:46Terrorists.

00:15:48Well, thank God that's optional.

00:15:50Oh, I'll be exercising that option.

00:15:53I'm really young together

00:15:56If you know what I mean

00:15:58I swear to a

00:16:03A plan

00:16:10You're working on three

00:16:14And then it hit me harder than Dale Earnhardt hitting that wall.

00:16:18Rest in peace.

00:16:19The guys were right.

00:16:20I needed to find another puta.

00:16:22A Jewish puta.

00:16:25How you doing?

00:16:26Yeah.

00:16:27Hey, I'm Christian.

00:16:30Apparently.

00:16:31Hey, you remember when Cheney shotgunned that old guy in the face back in 06?

00:16:36I mean, I felt bad for him, didn't you?

00:16:38Hey, so you been a Jew your whole life?

00:16:41Man, there's a lot of hot Jew pussy in here.

00:16:44Hey, am I right?

00:16:45Oh, no.

00:16:47Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.

00:16:55That's a very nice get-up.

00:16:56Where did you get that stuff?

00:16:57Thanks.

00:16:58I'm glad you're having a good time.

00:16:59It's mine.

00:17:02You like it?

00:17:03It's hysterical.

00:17:05Really?

00:17:05And I'm really glad to see that you have a sense of humor about the whole thing.

00:17:08Oh, okay.

00:17:08Well, thanks.

00:17:09So, how did it go in there?

00:17:11Bad.

00:17:12I don't think the girls around here like a guy like me.

00:17:14Well, that's crazy.

00:17:15I mean, what girl here wouldn't be interested in a really cute Jewish guy with a whacked out sense of

00:17:19humor?

00:17:20So, you, uh, you come to these things often?

00:17:23Only the ones that my mother organizes.

00:17:25Your mother.

00:17:27She organizes this?

00:17:28Yeah, and if I didn't show up, I would never hear the end of it.

00:17:30You know how that is.

00:17:31Yeah, I know how that is.

00:17:34You should take my number.

00:17:36For what?

00:17:38To call me.

00:17:40Okay.

00:17:41Yeah, okay.

00:17:43Five missed calls.

00:17:44I never even heard the phone ring.

00:17:45Oh, who's your provider?

00:17:47Pinn Mobile.

00:17:47Well, that's your problem right there.

00:17:49Pinn Mobile has the least amount of coverage in L.A. County and the most dropped calls of any network.

00:17:53You should switch to AT&T Nation 900 with unlimited mobile to mobile.

00:17:58Thanks.

00:17:59Allison.

00:18:00Allison Marks.

00:18:01You are?

00:18:05Ro-Rosenberg.

00:18:07Avi Rosenberg.

00:18:10Man, you do not look Jewish.

00:18:12Really?

00:18:13I-You know, I have gotten that.

00:18:16I'm gonna head back in.

00:18:19Okay.

00:18:22Avi.

00:18:24Rosenberg.

00:18:25I'm gonna head back in.

00:18:26Okay.

00:18:29Bye.

00:18:33Are you f***ing loco, boss?

00:18:36Jew, no Jew.

00:18:37I know I'm not a Jew.

00:18:38She's just like Rebecca.

00:18:40Ay, Dios mio.

00:18:41I don't know why I said it.

00:18:42It just came out, all right?

00:18:44Well, maybe you should just tell her the truth.

00:18:45No, I'm not gonna tell her the truth.

00:18:47I'm not gonna tell her the truth.

00:18:48Because then she's never gonna date me.

00:18:49I'm just gonna keep telling her I'm a Jew and hope she doesn't find out.

00:18:52¿Está bien?

00:18:52¿Y qué grandes son sus tetas?

00:18:54Come on, I don't care how big her tits are.

00:18:56But I mean, they're pretty good.

00:18:58Are you a stupid?

00:18:59Just because you say you're a Jew does not make you want.

00:19:01No.

00:19:01Look, she's going to find out books.

00:19:02I don't know what I was thinking.

00:19:04Hey, you know, boss.

00:19:06Jesus was a Jew.

00:19:08Why don't you just tell your Jesus?

00:19:11Huh?

00:19:12De nada.

00:19:15Where our royal family has provided the highest quality custom embroidery for 50 years.

00:19:22Adam Lipschitz.

00:19:23This had to be a sign.

00:19:25No booty too big.

00:19:27No booty too small.

00:19:30Because here at Embroidery Palace, we embroider it all.

00:19:34A Jewish sign.

00:19:37All right.

00:19:39I want everybody to close your eyes and forget everything you think you know about embroidery.

00:19:47Because starting next Tuesday, the Embroidery Palace will be in possession of this bad boy.

00:19:55Behold, the Modern Revolution 3070.

00:20:02Okay.

00:20:03On to the next piece of business, which is our monthly corporate account review.

00:20:08Jilly Bean, can you pass out the account review books, please?

00:20:13Now, as you all know, the Handlebar Coffee Company has been our largest corporate client for the past 10 years.

00:20:23They notified me this morning that from this day forward, they will be taking their business elsewhere due to this.

00:20:32Adam, do you have any idea how this could have happened?

00:20:35What's up, Dad?

00:20:37Adam!

00:20:38Oh.

00:20:39Oh, my God.

00:20:41Oh, God.

00:20:42I can't believe that I did that.

00:20:45But I'm under a lot of pressure with this whole wedding thing.

00:20:48I got Hannah nagging me about brunch tomorrow.

00:20:51It's...

00:20:51I must have forgotten to double check the sample.

00:20:54You should fire the prince, Dad.

00:20:56Oh, I'd like to chop off the prince's head.

00:20:59But then there'd be nobody to ascend the throne!

00:21:02Paging Prince Adam, there's a Mr. Christian O'Connell here to see you.

00:21:06Christian O'Connell?

00:21:09Wait, wait, wait, wait.

00:21:10Come back here.

00:21:11What's the big deal?

00:21:12What's the big deal?

00:21:13You tell some girl your name is Avi Rosenberg, and now you show up after 17 years so that I

00:21:19can teach you how to be a Jew so you can duper?

00:21:22Have you lost your mind?

00:21:23Listen, I've been dumped by a Jew before.

00:21:25I'm not letting it happen again.

00:21:26It's not pretty, man.

00:21:27All right, why me?

00:21:28Because other than Rebecca Ogun, you're the only Jew I know.

00:21:31Now, come on, man.

00:21:31I need you.

00:21:32You gotta teach me how to pass myself off as one of you guys.

00:21:34Well, why do you want to marry a Jew so badly?

00:21:37Because I never want to make another decision for as long as I live.

00:21:40Wow.

00:21:41That's mildly offensive, you know that?

00:21:43Yes.

00:21:44But true.

00:21:45Okay, I got it.

00:21:47Tell her the truth, and then convert for her.

00:21:49No, no, no, no, no.

00:21:50No, listen to me.

00:21:51Alison Marks is not gonna settle for imitation Jew.

00:21:53She can have the real deal.

00:21:54Now, come on, Adam, just help me.

00:21:56I'm sorry, did you say her name was Alison Marks?

00:21:58Yeah, Alison Marks.

00:21:59Why?

00:22:00I went to Sunday school with him, Alison Marks.

00:22:03Okay.

00:22:05Did she tell you what her family did?

00:22:07Her family?

00:22:08Her mother organized the mixer.

00:22:10Wait a minute, wait a minute.

00:22:12You know them, don't you?

00:22:13Do you know them?

00:22:14Yeah, you could say that.

00:22:15What?

00:22:16Oh, oh, I know, I know.

00:22:18But listen, listen, Chris, this is, you know, this is great seeing you again.

00:22:23And I love that you, you know, are seeing what I'm doing here.

00:22:27But I got a lot of shit going on right now.

00:22:29And my sort of, my world's flipped upside down with the wedding.

00:22:34And we're looking for preschools.

00:22:36Building a safe room for the baby.

00:22:39Wait a minute, you didn't tell me you had a baby.

00:22:40Yeah, I don't.

00:22:42Oh.

00:22:43It's complicated.

00:22:44Sounds it.

00:22:44Chris, I don't think I'm the guy for this adventure.

00:22:49Okay.

00:22:50I understand.

00:22:53Well, um, you know, for whatever it's worth, I'm glad I tracked you down.

00:22:56No, it's great to see you.

00:22:58So maybe we'll do some lunch.

00:23:00We'll catch up.

00:23:00I would love to do some lunch.

00:23:02Yeah, that'd be fun.

00:23:03I'm going to be up at my parents' ranch for the weekend.

00:23:05So here's my business card.

00:23:06Oh, thanks.

00:23:06I don't have a...

00:23:07Maybe we'll get a coffee.

00:23:08Well, here, take this.

00:23:10Embroidery Palace.

00:23:11It's nice yellow.

00:23:13Yeah.

00:23:15Awesome.

00:23:20Don't take this the wrong way, Hannah.

00:23:22But what led you to diagnose it as vaginitis?

00:23:24Well, Dad, she was experiencing itching, irritation, abnormal discharge, and pain during intercourse.

00:23:29All the basic symptoms.

00:23:30Yes, those are the basic symptoms of vaginitis.

00:23:32But did you also take into consideration they could indicate vulvitis?

00:23:35Yes, Dad, but I ruled out vulvitis because her vulva was not inflamed.

00:23:38No need to get defensive, sweetie.

00:23:40You're probably right with your diagnosis.

00:23:41It's just that when I was a young gynecologist, I once diagnosed a patient with vaginitis when

00:23:45they had vulvitis.

00:23:46You know what?

00:23:47It might have even been bacterial vaginosis.

00:23:49It was not bacterial vaginosis because there was no great discharge.

00:23:52With my 25 years of practice, I have seen many cases of vaginosis with no great discharge.

00:23:57Would you back me up on that, Bruce, please?

00:23:58Your mother's right, sweetie.

00:23:59We've been doing this a few more years than you, and sometimes even we can't distinguish

00:24:03between vaginosis, vaginitis, or vulvitis.

00:24:05Lots, honey.

00:24:06Cottage cheese?

00:24:08Okay, excuse me.

00:24:09I'm just kidding.

00:24:10Use the bathroom.

00:24:11I'll be back.

00:24:21Hold it.

00:24:23I bet you why don't you and the ladies hand out some eggnog.

00:24:28All right.

00:24:31Thanks, Mom.

00:24:32Nog, baby.

00:24:32Damn right.

00:24:33Nog, baby.

00:24:34Second that.

00:24:36Oh, Mama, that is eggnog.

00:24:38Oh, son.

00:24:38Why is it that you haven't found yourself a good woman yet?

00:24:42Huh?

00:24:42Someone take care of you?

00:24:43Serve your nod?

00:24:44Maybe it's because Christian's a homosexuel.

00:24:47All right?

00:24:47You stop bullying your brother.

00:24:49He will find himself a girl.

00:24:51That's right.

00:24:52Or whatever, when he's good and ready.

00:24:54Well, I'm ready to bag me a ten-pointer, and I'm going to skin him, gut him, and pull out

00:24:58his rectum.

00:24:59The hell you are.

00:25:00I'm pulling out the rectum, ass Tark.

00:25:02What do you know about pulling out the rectum?

00:25:03Do I know about pulling out the rectum?

00:25:04He always pulls out the rectum.

00:25:06Only that you make a circular incision and...

00:25:08Clayton, Chuck, over here now.

00:25:10Hurry up.

00:25:10There's some rectum over there.

00:25:11You too, take a knee.

00:25:13Why do you always have to fight over who's going to pull the rectum?

00:25:18You know, that's not what hunting is all about.

00:25:22Hunting is about the family.

00:25:24It's about teamwork.

00:25:25It's about finding peace.

00:25:29Hello.

00:25:30That night, when we were TPing Tim Baker's house, and I had one of my attacks, and I tripped

00:25:34and fell, you could have left me there.

00:25:38And saved yourself.

00:25:40So rude!

00:25:41Okay, one second.

00:25:43Just...

00:25:44But you didn't.

00:25:45Because you were my best friend.

00:25:48And best friends are always there for each other.

00:25:51Move!

00:25:54Fuck yeah.

00:25:57Beauty, ain't he?

00:25:58Spent the extra grand for the glass eyes, but they threw in the matte finish hornsheet package.

00:26:02Ugh.

00:26:03Hey, do you like where I put him?

00:26:05Because I was thinking maybe, I mean, I could put him between the bass and the boar's ass.

00:26:09The plan was to remove all traces of Gentile from Chris.

00:26:13Which turned out to be a very big task.

00:26:16I don't get why I have to sell my truck.

00:26:18Because Volvos are practical, and they're safe, and Jewish girls love them.

00:26:22But I'm never going to be able to fit my kill into a Volvo.

00:26:25And that's why you're selling the moose head.

00:26:26All right, $200 it is.

00:26:28Deal.

00:26:29All right.

00:26:30Take that with you.

00:26:31There, no.

00:26:32Let him take it.

00:26:32Chris, let him take it!

00:26:34I'm giving it to him.

00:26:35Okay, no, you're not.

00:26:35You're holding on to it.

00:26:37I pulled a rectum out of that.

00:26:38All right.

00:26:39That's inappropriate.

00:26:41No.

00:26:41Stop it.

00:26:45So, uh, you think I'm going to be ready for tomorrow night?

00:26:47Ow!

00:26:48Just do what I said, and you'll be fine.

00:26:50Tell me again why I'm doing this?

00:26:51Because the law states that you can't be buried in a Jewish cemetery if you've desecrated your body with tattoos,

00:26:56markings, or piercing.

00:26:57Well, that's stupid.

00:26:58You're dead already.

00:26:58Who cares?

00:26:59Well, it doesn't matter.

00:27:00It's the law.

00:27:01Have you been taken care of down there?

00:27:02Down where?

00:27:03Have you been circumcised?

00:27:05Sorry.

00:27:05No!

00:27:06Are you kidding me?

00:27:07My family's not into the whole choppy cock at birth thing.

00:27:09Besides, it's not that noticeable.

00:27:11No, it is noticeable.

00:27:12Mine looks normal, and yours looks like a...

00:27:14Like an anteater.

00:27:15Like this.

00:27:16Do you want that in your face?

00:27:17Get that.

00:27:17Get off of here, man.

00:27:20Sorry.

00:27:22If Chris was going to stand a chance with Allison, he needed a crash course in the way of the

00:27:26Jew.

00:27:27Now, I'm your date, and I need you to give me seven Yiddish words that you will casually slip into

00:27:32the conversation.

00:27:33Go.

00:27:34Go ahead.

00:27:35The second the waiter approaches, what do you do?

00:27:39Oh, uh, I'm feeling a bit of a draft.

00:27:42Would it be all right if we move to another table?

00:27:44Schvitz.

00:27:44Good.

00:27:45Now, you've been relocated to the new table, and what do you do?

00:27:51Oh, could you please turn down that loud music?

00:27:54Kvetch.

00:27:54All right.

00:27:55Now, we're on to the ordering process.

00:27:57Now, you have to remember that as a Jew, you have to take something on the menu and alter it

00:28:02beyond all recognition.

00:28:04All right?

00:28:05Okay.

00:28:06Practice.

00:28:07Would it be too much trouble to change that side salad to an entree, and would you mind throwing a

00:28:13little salmon in there?

00:28:14Nosh.

00:28:16Uh, can I have that on the side?

00:28:18Puppick.

00:28:19Dinner comes.

00:28:20Oh, okay.

00:28:20The salad is exactly how you ordered it, right?

00:28:23Right.

00:28:23Take one bite, and you...

00:28:27Send it back.

00:28:28Yes, you send that shit back.

00:28:29We never eat what we order ever, ever, ever.

00:28:34You ready?

00:28:34I think so.

00:28:35You remember everything?

00:28:36I don't know.

00:28:36Let's take a walk with it, then.

00:28:42Hi.

00:28:43Nice.

00:28:44Volvo.

00:28:45Thanks.

00:28:45I just got it.

00:28:46Oh, I got mine last year.

00:28:47You know what?

00:28:48Volvos are the safest cars in the world, and they last forever.

00:28:51Yeah.

00:28:51No NASCAR get-up tonight?

00:28:53NASCAR?

00:28:53Why?

00:28:54Oh, yeah.

00:28:55No.

00:28:56Yeah, I was going to wear it tonight, but the dry cleaner has it.

00:29:00So, where are you taking me?

00:29:02Well, I thought that we could...

00:29:02Because I didn't know what you were thinking, so I made reservations for 7 o'clock near First

00:29:06and Hope.

00:29:07It's near the music hall.

00:29:09Yeah, sure.

00:29:10And I don't know if you like jazz, but Smokey Joe Jefferson is playing at the fedora tonight,

00:29:13so I got his tickets.

00:29:15That sounds great.

00:29:16Great.

00:29:17Well, the music hall is on Grand and Figueroa, and I checked traffic.

00:29:20The 101 is closed between Barham and Highland, so you're probably going to want to take

00:29:23Fountain to La Cienega, to the 10, to the 110 North, and then get off on Figueroa.

00:29:27Put on your seatbelt.

00:29:30So, after I graduated from Penn, I traveled everywhere.

00:29:33Started with Southeast Asia, went through Thailand, Cambodia, Burma.

00:29:37I even lived in India for a month with The Untouchables.

00:29:40Oh, I love that movie.

00:29:43Sean Connery.

00:29:44Sean Connery is great in it.

00:29:48So, then after I volunteered as an AIDS relief worker in the Sudan, I just felt like I needed

00:29:53to use my finance degree to help people in third world countries relieve their debt.

00:29:56So, that's how I started working for the IDRF.

00:30:00Wow.

00:30:00And what about you, Avi?

00:30:02What's it like to be a doctor?

00:30:05Oh, uh, well...

00:30:09Yeah, the hours are crazy.

00:30:10And I'm on call 24-7 for emergencies, and...

00:30:14Well, unfortunately, you have to deal with a lot of...

00:30:18Crap.

00:30:19But, at the end of the day, like you, I love helping people.

00:30:23When their plumbing gets backed up.

00:30:29Bonjour.

00:30:30My name is Claude.

00:30:32I will be your server this evening.

00:30:34Ah, yes, Claude.

00:30:35I'm feeling a bit of a draft here.

00:30:37Do you mind if we move to another table?

00:30:40Hmm.

00:30:42Oof.

00:30:49Claude, would you mind turning down the loud music and turning up the lights?

00:30:54It's so dark in here, I don't think I'd be able to read the menu.

00:30:57It would be my pleasure, sir.

00:30:59But in the meantime, let me tell you about our specials.

00:31:02For an appetizer, we have a scrumptious salad with gorgonzola, candied walnuts, pears, cranberries, and a honey Dijon vinaigrette.

00:31:12To die for.

00:31:14Would it be possible to change that appetizer salad to an entree?

00:31:19And could you substitute feta for gorgonzola, pecans instead of walnuts, apples instead of pears, and cranberries instead of raisins?

00:31:29And the honey Dijon vinaigrette?

00:31:33Grat.

00:31:35Can you put it on the side, please?

00:31:37Anything else, yes, and I hope this isn't too much trouble, but would you mind throwing a little salmon in

00:31:42there?

00:31:45Edful, madame?

00:31:46That sounds great.

00:31:48I'll be all of the same thing.

00:31:50Yeah.

00:31:51Of course.

00:31:54Thanks, Mensch.

00:31:57So, did you always want to be a doctor?

00:32:00No.

00:32:01You know, I mean, being Jewish, I only had a few options.

00:32:05Become a doctor, become a lawyer, become a banker, manipulate the economy, go into publishing, manipulate the media.

00:32:12God, you are too much.

00:32:15You're so cute.

00:32:16Turn your head for a second.

00:32:19Did you get a nose job?

00:32:20No.

00:32:21Are you kidding me?

00:32:22That's your real nose?

00:32:24That's the hottest little jupeep ever.

00:32:29And, for mademoiselle.

00:32:32Mmm.

00:32:33That looks good.

00:32:37And, for monsieur.

00:32:40Thank you, Claude.

00:32:42This looks really good.

00:32:47All of it.

00:32:47Great.

00:32:49No.

00:32:50Oh, I got it.

00:32:51I'm sorry.

00:32:52I got to send that back.

00:32:53No.

00:32:53No, no, no.

00:32:54Here you go.

00:32:56Thanks, Mensch.

00:32:58Oh.

00:33:00And did they turn up the heat in here, or what?

00:33:02I am starting to schvitz.

00:33:06Yeah, we should probably go, if we're going to make it on time.

00:33:10Oh, yeah.

00:33:11Can't wait.

00:33:12I'm going to take this check here.

00:33:14Oh.

00:33:15Okay.

00:33:16Well, let me just get Claude over here for a second.

00:33:19See if I can't zoom down on the check.

00:33:25Okay.

00:33:32Hey, are you all right?

00:33:33Okay.

00:33:34You seem a little, you know, quiet.

00:33:36No, I'm fine.

00:33:37Yeah?

00:33:40You know, Allison, I, um...

00:33:43I mean, I shouldn't even be saying this.

00:33:45It's our first date.

00:33:47But I really like you.

00:33:49You know, so if I seem weird or awkward or...

00:33:54That's why.

00:33:55I just hope that this is the first date of many more to come.

00:34:08Oh, damn.

00:34:10Damn.

00:34:12Nobody plays jazz better than the schvartzes.

00:34:17L'chaim.

00:34:21What's taking so long?

00:34:23Sorry.

00:34:24Sorry.

00:34:24I am all manscaped.

00:34:27Trim to an eighth of an inch, just how you like it.

00:34:30Like a prepubescent boy down there.

00:34:33It's so exciting.

00:34:34Oh.

00:34:35Okay.

00:34:37Love you.

00:34:38Good night.

00:34:41What are you doing?

00:34:43Aren't we going to try and make a baby?

00:34:45I just...

00:34:46I've had such a long day at work, and...

00:34:49Do you mind if we just, you know, skip the baby making?

00:34:53You think it's ugly.

00:34:54I think...

00:34:55What's ugly?

00:34:56It's okay.

00:34:57It's fine.

00:34:58I see a hundred of them a day.

00:35:00I know it's ugly.

00:35:01Oh, no, no.

00:35:03I think...

00:35:03No, I don't think that's ugly at all.

00:35:06I think...

00:35:07It's beautiful.

00:35:10Why don't you ever go down on me?

00:35:13Because...

00:35:13I...

00:35:14I can't get you pregnant like that.

00:35:16Oh, no, you're just making excuses.

00:35:17I am not.

00:35:18Okay, fine.

00:35:19You want me to go down on you, I'll go down on you.

00:35:21I'm happy to go down on you.

00:35:23What?

00:35:23I knew it!

00:35:24What's wrong?

00:35:25I was going to make a baby with my mouth.

00:35:29What happened?

00:35:31You turned off the light!

00:35:34I...

00:35:34Well, it was bright in here, and we were going to bed.

00:35:38Oh, come on.

00:35:39I'm sorry.

00:35:40Oh, leave me and my ugly vagina alone.

00:35:44Open the door.

00:35:46Honey.

00:35:48Oh, my God.

00:35:50It's ugly.

00:35:52It's not your vagina.

00:35:54It's all vagina.

00:35:56What side of the family is this from?

00:36:00Hey, you've reached Allison Marks.

00:36:02You know what to do.

00:36:03So do it.

00:36:04Hey, Allison.

00:36:05It's Avi here.

00:36:06I just wanted to tell you I had a great time with you last night,

00:36:08and can't wait to do it again.

00:36:12So, you've got the number.

00:36:14Call me.

00:36:15Bye.

00:36:19Hey, you've reached Allison Marks.

00:36:20You know what to do.

00:36:21Do it.

00:36:22Hey, Allison.

00:36:23Where's my jap at?

00:36:25Where's my jap?

00:36:27Avi here.

00:36:28Didn't hear back from you yesterday,

00:36:30but I'm sure you were just busy.

00:36:32Me too.

00:36:33Long day of surgery at the hospital,

00:36:35so I'm driving home now.

00:36:37Thought I'd double up, give you a call.

00:36:40So, you got the number.

00:36:42Call me back.

00:36:44Bye-bye.

00:36:48You know what to do.

00:36:49So do it.

00:36:50Hey, Allison.

00:36:51It's Avi.

00:36:52Um, I don't know why you're not calling me back.

00:36:56I thought we had a really great time the other night,

00:36:58and, um, you know, I-I thought we had a real connection.

00:37:03Boss!

00:37:04I was hoping you'd leave.

00:37:04Boss!

00:37:05We need your help.

00:37:06Me and Juan have been in Mrs. Waziski's all day.

00:37:09Boss, we can't get this shit out of her vibes.

00:37:11Yeah, see?

00:37:12Thank you, Drs. Juan and Ramon.

00:37:15I will be to surgery in just a second.

00:37:17Surgery?

00:37:18Boss, I don't know what this lady ate,

00:37:19but I never seen so much crap backed up in my life.

00:37:23Avi?

00:37:24Allison, hi.

00:37:26Do you want me to get a restraining order?

00:37:28Stop calling me.

00:37:34Oh, look at this one.

00:37:38Isn't it beautiful?

00:37:40Oh, God, a little warning, please.

00:37:42What is that, a before and after photo?

00:37:44Yes, isn't it amazing?

00:37:46No.

00:37:46It's hard to believe it's the same vagina.

00:37:49Which one's your favorite?

00:37:51Oh.

00:37:53I don't know.

00:37:54You're the one who's going to have to look at it

00:37:55for the rest of your life,

00:37:56so come on, pick.

00:37:57Ooh, look.

00:37:59Do you like this one?

00:38:00Um, maybe the, uh,

00:38:05pear blossom?

00:38:06Or the gentle tulip?

00:38:09Really, honey?

00:38:10Yeah.

00:38:11You like the pear blossom?

00:38:13Mm-hmm.

00:38:14Well, that's the cheapest one.

00:38:16There's nothing to it.

00:38:18Oh, hold on.

00:38:21Hello?

00:38:22All right, relax, relax.

00:38:24What's going on?

00:38:25You know what?

00:38:26Yes, I can.

00:38:27Yes, I can.

00:38:28Okay, I'll meet you in 20 minutes.

00:38:30All right, babe, I'm so sorry.

00:38:32I, I have to go.

00:38:33What do you mean you have to go?

00:38:33A friend has an emergency,

00:38:35and I gotta go meet him.

00:38:36Who?

00:38:37What friend?

00:38:37He's a friend from grade school.

00:38:39I gotta go.

00:38:39You can't leave.

00:38:40Why can't I leave?

00:38:41I don't know which one to get.

00:38:43Just get one of them, right?

00:38:44I mean, like, it's not that big of a deal, you know?

00:38:46It's a big deal.

00:38:47This is for you.

00:38:48I understand.

00:38:49It's not that hard.

00:38:50Just go through it.

00:38:51The Gentle Tulip, Midnight Rain,

00:38:53Calla Lily Breeze, La Petite Canyon.

00:38:55Ooh, stay away from Venus Flytrap.

00:38:57That looks like a, like a limp starfish,

00:38:59and I don't want to be looking at that

00:39:01when I'm doing wonderful things to it.

00:39:03I love you.

00:39:04Okay.

00:39:05Pick whatever you want.

00:39:06Any price.

00:39:07Kisses.

00:39:09It's like my mom's.

00:39:11Hmm.

00:39:14Wait, wait, wait.

00:39:14She said stop calling you?

00:39:16No, no, no.

00:39:17She said if you call me again,

00:39:18I'm going to get a restraining order.

00:39:19This is a special kind of woman to dance naked.

00:39:21I'd turn it up.

00:39:22Did you talk?

00:39:22Tell them to turn down the loud music?

00:39:24And turn the lights up.

00:39:25Yes.

00:39:25And you took something on the menu

00:39:27and altered it beyond all recognition?

00:39:28I put salmon on it.

00:39:30I sent it back.

00:39:32Jewel, Carla, lap dances.

00:39:36I did everything that you told me to do.

00:39:38What went wrong?

00:39:39Did you throw in some Yiddish?

00:39:40Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:39:41I told her that my puppet was stuff from the noshing

00:39:43and that I was schvitzing,

00:39:45and I told Smokey Joe Jefferson

00:39:46nobody plays jazz better than the schwarzes.

00:39:48What?

00:39:49You called him a schwarza?

00:39:50Yeah, right to his face.

00:39:52No.

00:39:52Wait, is that bad?

00:39:53Yeah, that's bad.

00:39:54Why didn't you teach me that?

00:39:55Okay, I'm sorry.

00:39:56That's only a Jew to Jew thing,

00:39:58not a Jew to them thing.

00:39:59What the hell else did you say?

00:40:00I said that she was the prettiest chap

00:40:02that I'd ever met,

00:40:03and that she had the cutest little Jew beak

00:40:04I'd ever seen,

00:40:05and I asked the waiter

00:40:07if I could Jew him down on the jack.

00:40:08Does any of this sound good?

00:40:10Wait, I used to say that kind of stuff

00:40:11to Rebecca Hogan all the time.

00:40:13Yeah, but she knew that you were joking.

00:40:14That's different.

00:40:16Do you just want to talk to each other like that?

00:40:17No, no, we don't.

00:40:19Over.

00:40:19It's done.

00:40:20No, it's not done.

00:40:21You got me in this.

00:40:22You're going to get me out of it.

00:40:23No, I'm out.

00:40:23You are in.

00:40:24I'm out.

00:40:24Oh, you are in.

00:40:26Oh, you are in.

00:40:27Yes.

00:40:28Son of a...

00:40:31Marcy Marks, president of Temple Beth Jacob,

00:40:34wife of my rabbi,

00:40:35and Allison's mother.

00:40:39She was also the principal of my Hebrew school.

00:40:44From what I know,

00:40:46no man has ever been good enough for Allison.

00:40:48But if you can get that woman's seal of approval,

00:40:51you might have a second chance.

00:40:53Mommy.

00:40:53I'll never forget the day I met her.

00:40:58Need some help?

00:41:04You touch my daughter,

00:41:05and I'll wear your balls as earrings.

00:41:07That's it.

00:41:14There he is.

00:41:17There he is.

00:41:23It's not bad.

00:41:24No, no, no, no.

00:41:33No, no, no, no.

00:41:54No, no, no, no.

00:42:11You've got to be kidding me.

00:42:14Shalvia and I don't stand a chance.

00:42:15Honey, would you grab my stuff back there?

00:42:17Yes, yes.

00:42:17Thanks.

00:42:18Now, I'm telling you,

00:42:20the Fleischmans are unbeatable.

00:42:22Yes, goodbye.

00:42:25Honey, have you tried this caramel apple skim cappuccino?

00:42:28It is to die for.

00:42:33Fleischman.

00:42:34I want to get me one of those caramel apple skim cappuccinos.

00:42:41Mom, I'm fine.

00:42:42The earthquake was all the way in Death Valley.

00:42:44I live in Los Angeles.

00:42:45What do you mean I sound sick?

00:42:46I'm not sick.

00:42:47What do you mean I sound sick?

00:42:49I'm not sick.

00:42:50Yes, if you send me multivitamins, I will take them.

00:42:53Good, good.

00:42:53Now tell me you love me.

00:42:55Huh?

00:42:55Every time we get off the phone with each other,

00:42:57we have to say I love you.

00:42:59You're kidding.

00:43:00No, I'm not kidding.

00:43:01Just do it.

00:43:02I love you, Mom.

00:43:03Perfect.

00:43:03I'll call you in two minutes.

00:43:05Okay, bye.

00:43:06Sorry, that was my mom.

00:43:08Dr. Avi Rosenberg, may we please now continue with the interview?

00:43:12Oh, yes, please.

00:43:14Do you like cappuccino?

00:43:16Because I was just at Handle Bar Coffee,

00:43:17and they screwed up my order.

00:43:20I like caramel apple cappuccino.

00:43:22They gave me a caramel apple skim cappuccino.

00:43:24Hmm.

00:43:25Sure, why not?

00:43:26Ha, great.

00:43:27Okay, you are single, 31 years old, unmarried, no children.

00:43:31Are you gay?

00:43:32No, no.

00:43:33Why?

00:43:34Well, then why aren't you married?

00:43:36Oh, believe me, Mrs. Marks,

00:43:37there is nothing that I would like more

00:43:39than to find a special young lady

00:43:41who shares my values and my beliefs.

00:43:44As a matter of fact, just a couple weeks ago,

00:43:47I was here at the mixer.

00:43:48I met a wonderful girl.

00:43:49We went out.

00:43:50We had a wonderful first date.

00:43:52I never heard from her again.

00:43:54Yes, well, finding that special someone is never easy, doctor.

00:43:58Ah, and especially for me.

00:43:59I just, you know, moved here from Skokie,

00:44:02and I'm busy with my practice, of course,

00:44:05and volunteering for Hadassah, like I do.

00:44:08I'm sorry, excuse me.

00:44:10Yes, Mom?

00:44:11Colonoscopy?

00:44:11Yes, I had my colonoscopy.

00:44:14Fiber?

00:44:14I do get plenty of fiber.

00:44:17Mom, I'm sorry, but I have to go, okay?

00:44:20I do, I love you.

00:44:23I love the way you wake up in the morning,

00:44:25and you're just always so fresh and bubbly,

00:44:27and then the sunlight comes...

00:44:28Too much! Too much!

00:44:29Okay, I'm gonna hang up. Bye.

00:44:31Okay. Sorry, that was my mom again.

00:44:33I must say that I find this very unusual,

00:44:35that a young, attractive, single doctor

00:44:38would walk in here by himself,

00:44:40wanting to join this temple.

00:44:41Now, why don't you tell me what is really going on?

00:44:43Mrs. Marks, did you know that in the last 20 years,

00:44:46the rate of interfaith marriage amongst our people

00:44:48has risen from 7% to 40%?

00:44:50According to the AJC, by the year 2050,

00:44:52our people are gonna be completely wiped out.

00:44:54Now, I'm just one man.

00:44:55I can't stop it myself.

00:44:56But I'm not gonna sit here on the sidelines

00:44:58and watch it happen.

00:45:00That's what's going on.

00:45:08Wow.

00:45:09All right, I'll be right there.

00:45:15All right, all right.

00:45:17So you're in?

00:45:18Oh, yeah, I'm in.

00:45:19She's putty.

00:45:21Still going down Saturday, right?

00:45:22That's the plan.

00:45:23You mastered duplicate bridge yet?

00:45:25And rubber.

00:45:27That shit rinks.

00:45:28You guys really eat that?

00:45:29The filte fish is mandatory.

00:45:31All right, I'm gonna put it in this drawer.

00:45:33Don't take it out till Saturday.

00:45:38Ugh.

00:45:40So good to see you.

00:45:42There's plenty of room over there.

00:45:45You guys, I want you to keep eyes forward

00:45:47and pay attention.

00:45:48You understand?

00:45:50Marcy.

00:45:51Avi, what a nice surprise.

00:45:54Oh, surprise?

00:45:55I'm a new member here.

00:45:56You think I'm gonna miss my first Saturday morning service?

00:45:58Great to have you.

00:46:00It's a beautiful purse.

00:46:01Oh, Ari and Tony.

00:46:02Winter 2012.

00:46:03Really?

00:46:04I coveted this bag, and I got it.

00:46:08There's something about this that just...

00:46:10Wish me luck, lollipop.

00:46:11Honey, honey, you are gonna need it.

00:46:14Oh, today, we have a double bar mitzvah.

00:46:16Oi.

00:46:17This is our newest member.

00:46:18I was telling you about Avi.

00:46:19Hi, I'm Avi Rosenberg.

00:46:20Welcome to Beth Jacob, Avi.

00:46:22Thank you, Rabbi.

00:46:22Has Marcy warned you about our little penis club?

00:46:25Oh, no.

00:46:26Uh, penis club?

00:46:28Eighteen years ago, a boy named Adam Lipschitz

00:46:30had a panic attack during his bar mitzvah,

00:46:33dropped his trousers,

00:46:34and exposed himself to the congregation.

00:46:38That's messed up.

00:46:38Oh, it is messed up, Avi.

00:46:40What's even more messed up is that to this day,

00:46:42Adam's lewd act has become the rite of passage

00:46:45for every boy who's had his bar mitzvah at our temple.

00:46:48In fact, there hasn't been a bar mitzvah boy since 1993

00:46:52who hasn't shown his penis to the entire congregation.

00:46:55I've tried everything.

00:46:56They won't stop.

00:46:57I've seen the penises of 459 young boys.

00:47:01So unless you're really into schlongs, Avi,

00:47:04this ain't the temple for you.

00:47:06He gets excited.

00:47:09Avi, Shlomi and I are so embarrassed

00:47:11that on your very first Saturday morning service with us,

00:47:15you had to see genitals.

00:47:18And we sincerely hope that the fact

00:47:20that our temple has a penis club

00:47:21won't make you consider joining elsewhere.

00:47:24Not at all, not at all.

00:47:26What was the name of the young man who started it all?

00:47:28Adam Lipschitz?

00:47:29Lipschitz.

00:47:30I hope I don't run into him, huh?

00:47:32Yes, don't we all.

00:47:33I've seen enough.

00:47:34What a freak.

00:47:34Excuse me, Rabbi, would you like some fish?

00:47:37Oh, yes, thank you, uh, Hyman.

00:47:46Oi.

00:47:47Wow.

00:47:49I have to say, our people have invented a lot of lousy food,

00:47:52but gefilte fish might be the worst.

00:47:57My advice is to get it over with as quickly as possible.

00:48:00Two bites.

00:48:02Wham, bam.

00:48:03Done.

00:48:10Shlomi, honey, are you all right?

00:48:12Go away!

00:48:13Damn it, Shlomo.

00:48:14I am coming in now.

00:48:15No, you don't want to see this.

00:48:16It'll change you.

00:48:17It changed me.

00:48:18I'm shitting relatives.

00:48:21Oh, Marcy, I hate to do this to you, cupcake,

00:48:23but I think I'm going to have to bow out of the tournament.

00:48:25No, no, no, no, no, Shlomo.

00:48:28You are not doing any such thing.

00:48:29Now, this is the finals.

00:48:30If we have to take some sort of slop bucket, then so be it.

00:48:33I'm sorry, lollipop.

00:48:34But we'll just have to wait another year to beat those damn fleisters.

00:48:39Darn it.

00:48:40What tournament?

00:48:42What tournament?

00:48:42It is the NBLA regionals.

00:48:45We are in the finals.

00:48:46It starts in three hours.

00:48:48But, well, I guess that I won't be going this year.

00:48:53I play bridge.

00:48:55He is God.

00:48:56All I do is help you.

00:48:58I want to thank all of you for taking part in what is the world's greatest sporting event,

00:49:08Duplicate Bridge.

00:49:27Give me a four of diamonds.

00:49:29Four of diamonds.

00:49:30Give me an eight of clubs.

00:49:31The eight of clubs.

00:49:32Give me an ace of spades.

00:49:34Ace of spades.

00:49:35And what does that spell?

00:49:37Avis.

00:49:37Bridge, bitches!

00:49:39Oh, yeah!

00:49:40Oh, yeah!

00:49:41I'll die a walk away.

00:49:42I'll die a walk away.

00:49:43I'll die a walk away.

00:49:44I'll die a walk away.

00:49:48I'll die a walk away.

00:49:49Jack on up and hit the crowd.

00:49:50Jack Trump in your face.

00:49:52Come on, come on, be strong.

00:49:54We have a two-way tie.

00:49:59That means sudden death.

00:50:01Oh, yeah!

00:50:02Oh, yeah!

00:50:03Oh, yeah!

00:50:04You've all been briefed on the rules.

00:50:06Three boards.

00:50:07Two out of three wins.

00:50:09Let's keep it clean.

00:50:12Begin!

00:50:15Oh, yeah!

00:50:16Oh, yeah, get ready.

00:50:16Here we go, time to play.

00:50:18Choose a battle, better do a battle on the way free.

00:50:26Yes!

00:50:26Rosenberg Martin's big one, nothing.

00:50:31They're freaking me out a little bit.

00:50:33Hey, you just pay no attention to them.

00:50:34I've been playing with them for years.

00:50:36It's disturbing.

00:50:46You can do this, right?

00:50:47Trust me.

00:50:48It's over.

00:50:50Trump!

00:50:51Oh!

00:50:52What?

00:50:52Trump, baby!

00:50:53It's called Trump!

00:50:55It's called Trump!

00:50:56It's called Trump!

00:50:57Trump!

00:50:57You did it!

00:51:01Oh!

00:51:02Oh!

00:51:02Oh my god!

00:51:02Oh!

00:51:03Oh!

00:51:04Oh!

00:51:04The big winners over here.

00:51:05Oh!

00:51:05Oh my god!

00:51:06We beat the flashman.

00:51:07I beat the flashman.

00:51:08We beat the flashman.

00:51:10We beat the flashman!

00:51:11You!

00:51:13Oh!

00:51:14Oh!

00:51:15Oh, you are amazing!

00:51:16We did it!

00:51:17We did it!

00:51:18Yeah!

00:51:19What's going on?

00:51:19Oh, honey!

00:51:20Honey, did you see us?

00:51:22Oh!

00:51:25Oh!

00:51:27Avi, what are you doing here?

00:51:28What, you two know each other?

00:51:30Yeah, well, yeah, this is the girl I told you about.

00:51:32We went on a date. She never called me back.

00:51:34How do you two know each other?

00:51:36That's my daughter.

00:51:37What? Your daughter?

00:51:38Uh, Mom, could I talk to you just for a second?

00:51:43Um, I-I met that guy at your last mixer.

00:51:46We went on a date, and he ended up being one of the strangest guys I've ever met.

00:51:51How can you possibly say that? I think he is wonderful.

00:51:53He asked our waiter if he could chew him down on the check,

00:51:57and then he said that I had a cute little jupeak.

00:52:00Oh, oh, I'm sure that he was just joking.

00:52:02He's very funny.

00:52:03Really? Okay.

00:52:04Well, then we went to a jazz club, and he stood up in front of everyone

00:52:08and said that Smokey Joe Jefferson was a schwarzer.

00:52:11Well, he is one, isn't he?

00:52:12He is a psycho.

00:52:14I mean, isn't it obvious that he's, like, stalking me?

00:52:16Oh, please. Now, come on.

00:52:18I mean, the man is a doctor. It's not like he has time to stalk.

00:52:21No, obviously, this is some sort of crazy coincidence that, you know, it's...

00:52:27Now, wait a minute.

00:52:30Actually, I-I don't...

00:52:32I don't think that this is a coincidence at all.

00:52:35No, I think that this just might be fate trying to get you two together.

00:52:43Wow. I have never heard you like this.

00:52:45All right, Alison, darling, listen to me.

00:52:47And you are 27 years old.

00:52:49And have I ever tried to set you up with anyone? No.

00:52:52And why is that?

00:52:54Because I have never felt that anyone was good enough for you.

00:52:57Until now.

00:53:09What are you doing?

00:53:10What?

00:53:10I told you to let me get to the altar, look at me for 15 seconds, let the tension build,

00:53:15and then slowly pull my veil back.

00:53:18And where is the rabbi? Can somebody get him off the shitter?

00:53:21Okay, fine. Whatever. Let's just keep going.

00:53:23No, we can't keep going. We have to keep doing it till we get it right.

00:53:26Adam, your timing was way off. I clocked you pulling back the veil after four seconds.

00:53:29Yeah, that's the least of our problems.

00:53:31You didn't even have tears in your eyes when you lifted up the veil.

00:53:33It's a rehearsal.

00:53:34Who cares if it's a rehearsal? Don't you love my daughter so much that you tear up every time you

00:53:38see her?

00:53:38I can't believe you're being so insensitive.

00:53:40Don't you know that she is still recovering from her surgery?

00:53:44Oh, by the way, Hannah has your new vag.

00:53:46Jill, stop talking about Hannah's vagina.

00:53:49Less ugly?

00:53:50Dennis!

00:53:51Dad!

00:53:51What?

00:53:52Pokey-poo. The Daniels are right.

00:53:53You really need to take this a little bit more seriously because we only have three more rehearsals left till

00:53:58the wedding.

00:53:59Megan, sweetie, your pedal throngs got a little bit sloppy and unfocused.

00:54:03Remember, it's three pedals per step. Screw it up again and you're both out.

00:54:10Okay, so let's take it from the poems.

00:54:12What? The poems?

00:54:14Yeah.

00:54:14Oh, honey, you want to do that now? I thought that was going to be a surprise for the wedding

00:54:18day.

00:54:18It's going to be a surprise for the guests, but I need to see how you perform it so I

00:54:21can give you notes.

00:54:23Okay.

00:54:26Hannah.

00:54:27Yes?

00:54:28The day I met you, it was like a dream.

00:54:30Even more thrilling than my father's new embroidery machine.

00:54:34Fine.

00:54:35Fine.

00:54:35My feelings towards you are so extreme that sometimes when I'm with you, I just... I just want to... scream.

00:54:44What grade is he in?

00:54:45The thought of being without you words can't explain. If you only knew what was going on inside my brain...

00:54:54Brain. Brain.

00:54:56Brain.

00:54:57I can't believe I'm about to spend the rest of my years with you.

00:55:01Dad.

00:55:02And in just a few minutes... I'm going to say the words... I... I... I'm... I'm gonna say the words

00:55:17I... I... I... I...

00:55:28What?!

00:55:29I'm not ready to be a man!

00:55:31I'm not ready to be a man!

00:55:34I'm not ready to be a man!

00:55:36Adam!

00:55:37This is why I wanted to rehearse!

00:55:39What the f***?

00:55:41What are you doing?

00:55:42What does it look like I'm doing?

00:55:45No, no, I think we should...

00:55:46I think we should take it slow.

00:55:48You're kidding, right?

00:55:50No, no, because, um...

00:55:52Sex, you know, has a way of complicating things,

00:55:54and I want to get to know you.

00:55:57I want to get to know the real you.

00:55:59I can't believe you're saying this.

00:56:00I've never met a guy who wanted to wait.

00:56:03That is so hot.

00:56:05Oh, oh, shit.

00:56:08That's my phone.

00:56:12Hold on, hold on.

00:56:14Adam!

00:56:14Wait, wait, wait, wait.

00:56:16Hannah?

00:56:18Who's Hannah?

00:56:22So then I saw your commercial,

00:56:24so I went to the palace,

00:56:25and we've been hanging out ever since.

00:56:26He never said a word to us about this.

00:56:28God forbid he should tell us anything.

00:56:30Have you heard from him at all in the last week?

00:56:32No, no, I've been calling him, too.

00:56:34He hasn't returned any of my calls.

00:56:35What if he was f***ing murdered by the homeless meth heads?

00:56:38What if he was blown by a vampire?

00:56:40Did he say anything about Hannah?

00:56:42About the wedding?

00:56:42No, nothing.

00:56:44Daddy!

00:56:44You know what?

00:56:45He probably just got cold feet.

00:56:46I disappeared for six months before my wedding.

00:56:49Right, honey?

00:56:49Uh, that was me.

00:56:51That's right.

00:56:51How are you a doctor?

00:56:54Oh, God!

00:56:55He's gone forever,

00:56:56and I'm never gonna have a baby!

00:57:01Oh, God!

00:57:03I didn't have a grandchild!

00:57:06Oh, God!

00:57:08No!

00:57:10Goddammit, do something, Bruce!

00:57:14No!

00:57:18No!

00:57:21Oh, no!

00:57:26No!

00:57:27No!

00:57:29No!

00:57:30Hello?

00:57:31Oh, no.

00:57:32Oh, no, really?

00:57:32Oh, no!

00:57:37Now, the doctors at the hospital referred you to Serenity Hills

00:57:41because they felt that Adam required

00:57:43a more intense, hands-on environment for his condition.

00:57:47His condition?

00:57:48Oh, Adam is suffering from a severe case

00:57:51of post-traumatic stress disorder.

00:57:53Oh, what the...

00:57:55I didn't do it.

00:57:55I just don't understand what could have caused all this.

00:57:58Not again.

00:57:59And your fault.

00:58:01Honey, you can still change your mind.

00:58:06What the...

00:58:07Seems fine to me.

00:58:13In a case like Adam's,

00:58:15who has a long history of panic attacks,

00:58:18it's not uncommon that he would reach

00:58:20what we refer to as the ha,

00:58:23or the hyper-aroused state.

00:58:28What we are watching is Adam

00:58:30attempting to isolate and detach from his feelings.

00:58:33Numbness. Numbing.

00:58:37Now, over the next 21 days...

00:58:3921 days? No, no, no.

00:58:39That is July 2nd.

00:58:40July 2nd is my wedding.

00:58:42Well, you've got to get a matter quicker than that.

00:58:43I've got 200 grand in deposits.

00:58:45Do you have, like, an express service?

00:58:46Express service?

00:58:47This is our only son you're talking about!

00:58:49We're not putting him in some express service!

00:58:5121 days, and if you cannot give us that,

00:58:54then get him out of here!

00:58:56We can go swimming, I don't know!

00:58:58It's gonna be okay.

00:59:00Look, he looks better on the ready.

00:59:01Is it just me, or does that dolphin look like him?

00:59:05You've never done that with me, ever!

00:59:08Give him time!

00:59:10Here's a nightmare!

00:59:11Fuck you, Adam!

00:59:13Fuck you!

00:59:15Johnny Williams, come on down!

00:59:19Oh, gosh.

00:59:20I've seen this since I was a kid.

00:59:24Well, it's amazing they can still find humans

00:59:26who will actually appear in this show.

00:59:29I'm Salah Khan.

00:59:31I've been assigned to be your primary counselor.

00:59:37Look, if you don't want to talk, it's no problem.

00:59:39You don't have to talk.

00:59:41And these things take time.

00:59:43And I've got all the time you need.

00:59:47All right, are you ready for some Paco?

00:59:50Okay, let's do it.

00:59:51Set the f*** out.

00:59:53And give it a drop.

00:59:55Okay, all right.

00:59:56And have a good one.

00:59:58Take a little tea time.

00:59:59Why is it that only fat people make it into the showdown?

01:00:02I don't know how it's going.

01:00:04Fine.

01:00:06You know, you want to sit there like a vegetable all day,

01:00:08pretend like you don't hear me,

01:00:10then go right ahead.

01:00:11All right.

01:00:12But my job is to make you well again

01:00:15by having you face the traumatic events

01:00:17that have forced you into this state.

01:00:19So unless you're willing to turn off the TV and do that,

01:00:22then I would save the $2,500 a day you're spending here

01:00:24and go check yourself into a hotel.

01:00:29All right, suit yourself.

01:00:30You stare all you like, little man.

01:00:38What did you just say?

01:00:42So anyway, the moil slips.

01:00:45A piece falls off.

01:00:46Hits me in the punim.

01:00:47I've been cockeyed ever since.

01:00:52So, Ami, Allison tells me you're from Skokie.

01:00:54Yeah, yeah.

01:00:55You know, Al and I grew up in Glenview.

01:00:59Sorry, excuse me.

01:01:00Really?

01:01:01Yeah, we were practically neighbors.

01:01:03Your family's still there?

01:01:05Nope.

01:01:06Where they moved to?

01:01:07They moved.

01:01:09To heaven.

01:01:10Oh, I'm so sorry.

01:01:13When did they pass?

01:01:15They, um, they passed a few years back.

01:01:18I can't believe you never told me that.

01:01:20Well, it's hard to talk about.

01:01:22It's very raw.

01:01:23Why?

01:01:24What happened?

01:01:24A hunting accident.

01:01:25Oi.

01:01:26A hunting accident?

01:01:27They got shot by hunters.

01:01:29What were your parents doing wandering around

01:01:31where people were hunting?

01:01:32They weren't.

01:01:33They were, um, the hunters were hunting in our backyard.

01:01:36What were the hunters doing in your backyard?

01:01:38They had gotten lost and, uh, were off track.

01:01:41And, uh, my parents were wearing their brown onesies

01:01:44and the, um, the hunters mistook them for elk.

01:01:49Oh.

01:01:49What happened to the hunters?

01:01:50Were they arrested?

01:01:51No.

01:01:52They are still at large.

01:01:53You know what, Avi?

01:01:54The police chief in Skokie's an old friend of mine.

01:01:57I'm calling him tomorrow.

01:01:58We'll see if we can't help move things along.

01:02:01Huh.

01:02:01Uh, forgive me, but weren't you on the phone with your...

01:02:04Can we talk about something else?

01:02:06Of course.

01:02:07I was watching TV last night.

01:02:08Um, Ten Commandments.

01:02:10Charlton Heston.

01:02:11What an actor.

01:02:12Not Jewish, you know.

01:02:14Who isn't?

01:02:16So I'm...

01:02:17I'm up there, and we're rehearsing these poems

01:02:21that we had written for each other.

01:02:24And...

01:02:25And right at the part where I'm about to say I do,

01:02:29I just...

01:02:30I just cracked.

01:02:31Good, Adam.

01:02:33Do you remember how you were feeling in that very moment?

01:02:36No.

01:02:37I mean, I...

01:02:38I just...

01:02:40For a split second,

01:02:41I...

01:02:42I saw my entire life with Hannah flash before my eyes.

01:02:46And why did that scare you?

01:02:47Probably because...

01:02:50I...

01:02:51I don't think she's right for me.

01:02:53So then why are you marrying her?

01:02:55I don't know.

01:02:56You're avoiding the question, Adam.

01:02:58I think you do know.

01:03:00Now, what I want you to do is try to pinpoint

01:03:03the exact moment in your life

01:03:05where this pressure you're feeling originated.

01:03:11I was 12 years old.

01:03:16Stop staring at her, Adam.

01:03:17That is rude.

01:03:20You're cute.

01:03:21You stare all you right, little man.

01:03:23You are not,

01:03:25and you will never be,

01:03:27her little man.

01:03:28Why can't I be her little man?

01:03:29Because she's not Jewish.

01:03:30So I can't be with a girl who's not Jewish?

01:03:32That's right.

01:03:33Why?

01:03:33Because it's your responsibility to perpetuate our religion.

01:03:36Why?

01:03:36Because six million of our ancestors died

01:03:38and we owe it to them.

01:03:39Why?

01:03:39Because they're dead.

01:03:40So what does that have to do with me?

01:03:41Because you're Jewish.

01:03:42The fate of our entire religion depends on you.

01:03:45You.

01:03:46You.

01:03:47It depends on me.

01:03:49It depends on me.

01:03:50It's all right.

01:03:50It all depends on me.

01:03:52It's all right.

01:03:52At least I'm not having a...

01:03:53It's all right, Adam.

01:03:54Rosh Hashanah.

01:03:56Oh, God.

01:03:57It's all right.

01:03:58Oh, God.

01:03:59Adam, that was really good.

01:04:02Really good.

01:04:05I'm here.

01:04:15Hey, boss.

01:04:16Can I get the question right now?

01:04:20Yeah, here.

01:04:21Ay, gracias.

01:04:22You're not so sad.

01:04:24Uh, hey, boss.

01:04:25You remember that one time...

01:04:27Don't say a word.

01:04:30Hey, beautiful.

01:04:31How you doing?

01:04:32Just working.

01:04:33What are you doing?

01:04:33Oh, nothing.

01:04:34You know, just here at the hospital, checking in on patients, patients, patients.

01:04:38What's up, baby?

01:04:39Well, I just spoke to my dad, and he talked to the chief of police in Skokie, and there's

01:04:43no record of any Rosenbergs being shot and killed by hunters.

01:04:47Really?

01:04:47Yeah, in fact, there hasn't been a hunting-related death in Skokie ever.

01:04:52So I went online to research it, and I couldn't find anything.

01:04:55Allison, I didn't want to have to tell you this, but my parents were in the witness protection

01:05:02program, and when they were murdered, the FBI destroyed their records.

01:05:06What were they doing in the witness protection program?

01:05:11Jimmy Hoffa?

01:05:12What about Jimmy Hoffa?

01:05:13Look, I've said too much already.

01:05:14Do you understand?

01:05:15Avi, I just feel like you're hiding things from me.

01:05:17I mean, we've been going out for a month, and you never tell me that your parents were

01:05:20murdered by elk hunters, and now they're in the witness protection program, and on top

01:05:24of all that, I'm just starting to wonder if you might be gay.

01:05:27What?

01:05:28Gay?

01:05:29Gay.

01:05:29Whoa.

01:05:30Why would you think I'm gay?

01:05:31Because what guy goes out with a girl for a whole month and doesn't want to sleep with

01:05:35her?

01:05:35I do.

01:05:36I want to sleep with you.

01:05:37I just want it to be special.

01:05:40Ew.

01:05:40That is exactly what my Aunt Judy's husband told her right before they got married, and

01:05:4420 years and two kids later, she walks in on him tied up with a rubber ball gag in his

01:05:49mouth being sodomized by a transsexual who was dressed as Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz.

01:05:53Okay?

01:05:54And I am not going to turn out like my Aunt Judy.

01:05:58Okay, okay, okay.

01:05:59Listen, we will sleep together.

01:06:00Let's do this, baby.

01:06:02Really?

01:06:02Do you mean that?

01:06:03Oh, yeah.

01:06:04When?

01:06:04When are we going to have sex?

01:06:06Right after I get back from the medical conference in Dallas.

01:06:10What medical conference in Dallas?

01:06:12Remember I told you about that a couple of weeks ago.

01:06:15When are you leaving?

01:06:16Like in two hours.

01:06:19You know, when you inhale, maybe you and Ted Bundy can be roommates.

01:06:23Cabron.

01:06:31You know, Ruth, I'm looking at a bill here for $42,765.

01:06:37And considering we said we'd split all the wedding expenses, we need to go half-seas.

01:06:42How's your son going crazy, a wedding expense?

01:06:45Well, it happened during a wedding rehearsal, so I think a case could be made in a court of

01:06:49law.

01:06:50This is a wedding expense.

01:06:51Nice try.

01:06:52Nice try.

01:06:52He's got a well-documented, pre-existing condition.

01:06:55There's no way in hell we're paying for it.

01:06:56His condition was never that bad until he met Hannah.

01:06:59Oh.

01:07:00Hey, are you implying that my daughter had something to do with Adam's freakout?

01:07:04Oh, she's not implying.

01:07:05She's saying.

01:07:06I had nothing to do with this.

01:07:08Oh, right.

01:07:08You're not insane.

01:07:09Everyone, please.

01:07:11We have worked very hard to get Adam to the point he is at in his therapy.

01:07:14And he has had a very tough time.

01:07:17But these last few days, he has truly managed to come from behind.

01:07:24Oh, God.

01:07:25Oh, God.

01:07:26What the?

01:07:27Oh, God.

01:07:28Oh, God.

01:07:28Mom, Dad.

01:07:30What are you doing?

01:07:32He never tried that with me.

01:07:34Hannah?

01:07:35All of him.

01:07:36What is everybody doing here at the same time?

01:07:40Oh, God.

01:07:42So, let me get this straight.

01:07:44You no longer want to get married to me because you're in love with your Mongolian doctor?

01:07:49I know this must be a shock for everyone.

01:07:52But when Adam finally opened up to me, I don't know.

01:07:56We just clicked.

01:07:57What do you mean you just clicked?

01:07:59Arlene, we are not going to get anywhere by attacking each other, Sala.

01:08:04Please continue.

01:08:06By the way, you're fired.

01:08:07Well, I'm a Buddhist.

01:08:10And, you know, both of our religions were born out of struggle.

01:08:14So, we both place emphasis on family, education, and hard work.

01:08:19And the intense pressure that Adam feels to marry within his people is the same pressure I feel to marry

01:08:25a Mongolian.

01:08:26So, it's no wonder why we're able to connect.

01:08:30For 43 grand, you could have connected with every chick in Mongolia!

01:08:35Okay, Sala, hypothetically speaking, if you two were to stay together and get married, how would you raise your children?

01:08:47Mom, do we have to get into this right now?

01:08:49Isn't that what this is for?

01:08:50Okay, well, the truth is...

01:08:51The truth is...

01:08:52The truth is?

01:08:53The truth is...

01:08:54What's the truth, Adam?

01:08:54The truth is, I don't know if I want to raise my kids Jewish.

01:09:01Oh, shit.

01:09:02Jesus, who are you?

01:09:06Was I not a good mother to you?

01:09:10When you were in kindergarten and you wanted the little trampoline that could poke your eye out,

01:09:14who got you the trampoline that could poke your eye out?

01:09:16I did.

01:09:18And when you were in fifth grade and you wanted to take karate lessons in Chinatown,

01:09:22who drove you there three nights a week and sat in the parking lot all alone in the dark?

01:09:29I did.

01:09:31And do you know why?

01:09:33Because you're my son.

01:09:36And I love you.

01:09:40And how do you show your love for me?

01:09:44Well, you have doggy-style sex with your Mongolian therapist on your wedding day!

01:09:50And then you say to me,

01:09:52Hey, Mom, I'm not sure if I want to raise my kids Jewish!

01:09:59Oh, Adam, that's fine!

01:10:01That's fine!

01:10:01Just save the knife!

01:10:03Just save the knife and kill me, Adam!

01:10:05Mom, stop it!

01:10:11Oh, okay, Adam, so you're saying that our entire time together meant nothing to you?

01:10:17We never hit you!

01:10:18We never fondled you!

01:10:19I got a lip-a-team for you!

01:10:22Honey, honey, I think we dodged a bullet.

01:10:24Yeah, she seems nice.

01:10:26I mean, you better get a good lawyer, freak boy, because I'm suing your ass off!

01:10:29Okay, this, this right here!

01:10:34You want to know why I went nuts?

01:10:36It's because all of you are nuts!

01:10:39And I'm sorry that I can't marry you,

01:10:42but it's better that we end this right now rather than dragging this on for a long time.

01:10:48And, Mom, I'm sorry that you had to do things that you didn't want to do,

01:10:52but you know what?

01:10:53So did I.

01:10:54I joined the family business and became the embroidery prince!

01:10:58Well, how happy can a man be?

01:11:00And to top it off, I've never dated a woman who wasn't Jewish my entire life!

01:11:05Well, you know what?

01:11:06I'm not doing things for you guys anymore, huh?

01:11:08I'm doing things for me, because I love Sala.

01:11:12Sala.

01:11:13And she's Mongolian.

01:11:15And that's pretty cool.

01:11:18I love you, too.

01:11:20Oh, God.

01:11:23Are you going to be paying by cash or check?

01:11:27With this technique, the thematic skin is allowed to stay intact.

01:11:32And finally, the neocrossing crush.

01:11:35By using the terra clamp, the skin is crushed for around ten days until it suffocates and dies.

01:11:42With this technique, the skin bonds without needing sutures.

01:11:46This is tough, though.

01:11:47Yeah.

01:11:48I mean, you've got to love the dorsal slip, right?

01:11:51Because the phomotic skin stays intact.

01:11:52But on the other hand, with the sleeve resection, I've got the widest variety of scarring options.

01:11:57What do you think?

01:11:59Honestly, I'm kind of partial to the temporary crush.

01:12:01You know, you get all the benefits of the sleeve resection, but you get that pump action of the agamco

01:12:06device there.

01:12:07Yeah, yeah.

01:12:07Plus, it reduces your shmegma by, like, 75%.

01:12:11It does?

01:12:11Yeah.

01:12:12Done.

01:12:12Sold.

01:12:14Going with the temporary crush, boy.

01:12:16Knock, knock.

01:12:17Snip, snip time, Mr. O'Connell.

01:12:20Oh.

01:12:22Here we go.

01:12:23Is this your life partner?

01:12:25Who?

01:12:25No.

01:12:26No, no, no, no, no.

01:12:27No life partnering here.

01:12:28No, this is, that would be weird.

01:12:29Okay.

01:12:30Not that that's weird at all, but just, you know.

01:12:31Okay, Mr. O'Connell.

01:12:33So, me going to turn this little knobby here on, and you're going to just slowly drift away.

01:12:38Me want you to breathe, relax, enjoy it.

01:12:44Breathing, breathing.

01:12:46I'm scared.

01:12:47You have nothing to be afraid of, boy.

01:12:49Nurse Boo is going to sing you a little ditty and make you feel all better.

01:12:53Oh.

01:12:53When I was only eight days old, hurrah, hurrah, a billy, billy, billy, boom.

01:12:59When I was only eight days old, hurrah, hurrah, the boy that came with his big knife, I thought

01:13:07he was going to take my life, but he only took a little bit of the top, a little bit

01:13:13of the top, top, top, little bit of the top, top, top, easy there, Mr. O'Connell.

01:13:22Next time, don't trust your circumcision to an HMO.

01:13:34I think she's nice.

01:13:35I just, I can't believe that you're doing all of this just so you don't have to make

01:13:39any more decisions.

01:13:40Oh, Adam, you don't get it.

01:13:43All those things that you say drive you crazy, I love.

01:13:46Oh, I love that your parents smother you.

01:13:49I love that if they hear about a tornado in Kansas, they call you, even though you live

01:13:55in Los Angeles.

01:13:56Yeah, we're very nervous people.

01:13:57And I love the fact that you email each other your itineraries because, because you never

01:14:03know, you know?

01:14:04No.

01:14:06You never know.

01:14:07Never know.

01:14:08And for the past 5,000 years, every civilization, every culture has tried to have you guys annihilated.

01:14:14Yeah, we are not liked.

01:14:15I like you.

01:14:16We're like, you're getting the, it's going to all make sense now.

01:14:20Now, Muhammad Al-Sheikh Al-Sheen Al-Sheikh is up here.

01:14:24Now, he's going to come up here.

01:14:25And then we got Muhammad Al-Sheikh.

01:14:28No.

01:14:29Stop that.

01:14:32O'Connell here.

01:14:33Speak up.

01:14:34Hi, Daddy.

01:14:34It's your son, Christian.

01:14:35What you doing?

01:14:36I'm in Tahiti having myself a Mai Tai.

01:14:39What the hell do you think I'm doing?

01:14:41Fighting terrorists?

01:14:42Spreading democracy?

01:14:43Yeah.

01:14:44Dad, guess what I'm doing?

01:14:45Oh, I'm here with Adam Lipschitz.

01:14:46You remember him?

01:14:47Adam Lipschitz?

01:14:48Didn't I order you to stay away from that boy?

01:14:50No, Daddy.

01:14:51We're life partners.

01:14:52Sir, that's inaccurate, sir.

01:14:54Life partners?

01:14:55Now, what the hell is life partners?

01:14:56Life partners.

01:14:57He's just a homo, Dad.

01:14:58What?

01:14:58I call her to what?

01:14:59A homo?

01:15:01Yeah, we're here at the hospital, you know, because he's with me, so I can get circumcised,

01:15:06sir.

01:15:06What?

01:15:06Not for me, though.

01:15:08Circumcised.

01:15:09Circumcised?

01:15:10Yeah, so I can be a Jew, Daddy.

01:15:11You can be a Jew?

01:15:13Daddy, I want to tell you something, too, because I don't think I've ever told you this before.

01:15:16We never say this, but I love you, Daddy.

01:15:19I love you.

01:15:22Hi.

01:15:23Ow.

01:15:23Sorry.

01:15:24You know, I'm glad we're hanging out again, but I kind of feel like something's missing.

01:15:29A little bit off the top.

01:15:31Top of the top.

01:15:38Allison?

01:15:42Want to have sex?

01:15:45Not really.

01:15:49Clear right!

01:15:51Clear right!

01:15:51Didn't I order you to keep your son away from my son?

01:15:56Excuse me.

01:15:57Don't you play dumb with me, shit libs?

01:16:01Buck O'Connell?

01:16:03Oh, jeez!

01:16:04Your Adam has turned my Christian into some gay Jew.

01:16:10Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Buck, slow down.

01:16:12What are you talking about?

01:16:14They're live partners.

01:16:17Live partners?

01:16:19Wait, wait, wait, wait.

01:16:20What makes you think this?

01:16:22He called and told me while he was in hospital with your Adam that he was about to get his

01:16:30package up so they could be gay Jews together.

01:16:35And then he told me, Dad, I love you.

01:16:39What the hell is going on, huh?

01:16:42Oh, Dennis, we pushed him too far, and he snapped.

01:16:47With all the pressure that we put on him to marry a Jewish girl, the Asian wasn't enough.

01:16:51And then he went the other way.

01:16:55Okay, Buck, first of all, you look fantastic.

01:17:00Whoa, hey, hey, hey, whoa.

01:17:00Take it easy, old man.

01:17:01No, but second of all, I mean, I'm having a hard time believing any of this.

01:17:05Oh, yeah?

01:17:06Now, where's your boy right now?

01:17:08Oh, buddy, I'm so happy you're here.

01:17:11And now you're helping me with this.

01:17:12I don't know what I would do without you.

01:17:13You really need me to do this again?

01:17:15I gotta be honest.

01:17:16I don't know if I can get through another gauze pass.

01:17:18And how many times a day do you have to do it?

01:17:20Oh, really, I can't do this myself.

01:17:22Please come and do it.

01:17:23God, come on, just help me.

01:17:25Okay, come here.

01:17:26Put some of that jelly on it, and let's get going.

01:17:29Okay.

01:17:30They gag a little as we'll go in here.

01:17:32That's okay.

01:17:33Oh, God.

01:17:33More gasoline, more gasoline.

01:17:35Go, go, go, go, go.

01:17:36Oh, God, what?

01:17:37Oh, God, walk in high.

01:17:40Drop the petroleum jelly and back away from my son's anus.

01:17:46Holy shit.

01:17:49I knew it.

01:17:49Don't shoot him, Dad.

01:17:51Mom?

01:17:51Adam.

01:17:52Dad?

01:17:52Damn it, Adam.

01:17:53Jelly's for toast.

01:17:57Allison, I'm not a Jew, and I'm not a doctor,

01:18:00and my name is not Avi Rosenberg.

01:18:02Well, then who the hell are you?

01:18:03I'm Christian Thaddeus Reginald MacArthur O'Connell.

01:18:06I'm a plumber.

01:18:08Look, when I met you at the mixer, I begged my friend Adam here

01:18:10to help me pass myself off as a Jew so that you'd be able to date me.

01:18:16Penis club?

01:18:17Allison, how's it going?

01:18:19Marcy.

01:18:20What does you even look at me?

01:18:21Rabbi, I'm so sorry.

01:18:22You.

01:18:22Penis club.

01:18:23Before Adam came along, I watched NASCAR, and I had the heads of dead animals that I'd hunted

01:18:28and killed myself on my wall.

01:18:29And I had no idea that when you order a salad at a restaurant, you can order the dressing

01:18:33on the side, let alone custom-create your own dishes off the menu.

01:18:36What the hell are you talking about?

01:18:38I fed your seats a salad.

01:18:39Jews can custom-create their own dishes off the menu.

01:18:42They're always up to something.

01:18:44No, I can hear you.

01:18:46That's why I messed up our date so bad, because I wasn't being myself.

01:18:49And then Adam told me the only way I'm ever going to be able to get you back is if

01:18:52I could

01:18:52convince your mom that I was the greatest guy in the world.

01:18:56So that's why I poisoned your dad with the rotten gift filled to fish, because I wanted

01:19:01to partner with your mom in the bridge tournament.

01:19:03You're the reason I've been on the toilet for three days, becoming a raisin?

01:19:06All right, now we finally beat the Fleischmann, Shlomi, so just leave it alone.

01:19:10Was there ever a medical conference in Dallas?

01:19:13No, I just needed time to recover from the circumcision.

01:19:16Oh, John.

01:19:18On the what?

01:19:19You wouldn't mind having circumcision.

01:19:20Why would you do all that?

01:19:22Because I love you.

01:19:24Allison, I love you.

01:19:31Oh.

01:19:35And I want you to make every decision for me for the rest of my life.

01:19:40Will you do that?

01:19:41So I'm just supposed to forget about everything you just said because you love me?

01:19:46Yes, please.

01:19:49Son, stop this hollering and just propose to the girl.

01:19:54Don't put the tongue in.

01:20:00Well, that haircut is awful.

01:20:02So, let me make an appointment for you with my guy, because he's the best.

01:20:07I should take that as a yes, huh?

01:20:09Yes.

01:20:09I'll take that as a yes.

01:20:12Aw.

01:20:12I'll take that as a yes, huh?

01:20:13Mazatah!

01:20:14Oh!

01:20:15All right.

01:20:15Shlomi, we've got a plumber.

01:20:17Christian Thaddeus Reginald MacArthur O'Connell.

01:20:21Rosenberg.

01:20:22Now, that's a nice Jewish name.

01:20:27We are so thrilled that you finally decided to come on a moose hunt with us.

01:20:31I can't wait to kill me a ten-pointer.

01:20:34I'm going to skin him and gut him and pull out his rectum.

01:21:01Shhh.

01:21:02Shhh.

01:21:03Shhh.

01:21:04I remember when my father took me out for my first hunt.

01:21:08We all fought like crazy over who's going to be the lucky one to pull out that rectum.

01:21:13Uh, that's what they do?

01:21:15Oh, thank you.

01:21:16Nog, baby.

01:21:17Damn right.

01:21:19Nog, baby.

01:21:20Aw, daddy loves moose nog.

01:21:23Nog, baby.

01:21:25I'm not really much of a nog guy.

01:21:27You know, the dairy kind of makes my acid reflux kick in, and I'm not even sure if the eggs

01:21:32are cage-free, so I don't feel safe.

01:21:33One sip won't kill me, I guess.

01:21:37Nog, baby.

01:21:38Oh, yeah.

01:21:44Nog!

01:21:45Oh, yeah.

01:21:46I'm all here.

01:21:48Nog, Nog, Nog, Nog!

01:21:50Oh, yeah!

01:21:52Nog, Nog, Nog, Nog, Nog, Nog, Nog, Nog, Nog, Ngo, Nog, Nog, Ngo, Ngo, Ngo, Ngo, Ngo.

01:21:56My wife and I, we want to thank you for your hospitality.

01:21:59And for these beautiful hats.

01:22:05My father says it's an honor to have his part of our family here.

01:22:08and they've learned a great deal of wisdom from all of you this week.

01:22:12Thank you. Thank you.

01:22:13Good to tell us all, Shula. Marmot.

01:22:16My mother said you're going to love the fried marmot. It's a speciality.

01:22:19Oh, Dennis, did you hear that? We're going to have fried marmot. Hooray.

01:22:22We discussed at home, I can have fried food once every few months.

01:22:25I'm not saying that you shouldn't have fried food.

01:22:28Then what are you saying? Let's just eat it.

01:22:30Maybe a little Mongolian barbecue or something.

01:22:32That's a big, big barbecue.

01:22:35Let's eat what they order. We don't want to be rude.

01:22:37Is it kosher? I don't know.

01:22:38And by the way, we're not even kosher.

01:22:40Why do you care?

01:23:01Oh, I had a dream

01:23:04of the day when our love took the place

01:23:16I was depressed.

01:23:18I was self-conscious.

01:23:21I realized that my God-given vagina

01:23:23wasn't the vag I wanted God to give me.

01:23:26Hi, I'm Dr. Bill Ginsberg,

01:23:29founder of Vagina Beautiful.

01:23:30Our state-of-the-art surgical procedures will transform your va-va-blah into a va-va-la.

01:23:37Call now for your free, no-obligation color book featuring my original designs.

01:23:43Our team of expert vaginocologists will transform your caterpillar into a butterfly.

01:23:50Dr. Ginsberg turned my Grand Canyon into Le Petit Canyon and forever changed my life.

01:23:58In fact, I was such a satisfied client that I became one of the doctors here.

01:24:05And my wife.

01:24:08Gift yourself the vag that you deserve.

01:24:11Don't let your labia interfere with your life.

01:24:13Call now, 855-VAG-4U.

01:24:19Oh, sweet love, there are more peace and harmony.

01:24:26Oh, sweet love, peace and harmony.

01:24:34I had a dream, not a dream for myself, but for all that you can.

01:24:42I had a dream, I saw Jesus and Moses singing gospel all together.

01:24:49And there's all sweet love, peace and harmony.

01:25:04Jews and Asians walking hand in hand, smoking sixes with a Jewish man.

01:25:13Even Moses got to lend a hand, I'm thinking, Lord, shalom, shalom, shalom.

01:25:19I had a dream, where I saw every Jew paying me till you're free.

01:25:27I had a dream, where I saw every Gentile that brings you to the side.

01:25:34Where you are, sweet love, there were peace and harmony.

01:25:40Oh, sweet love, peace and harmony.

01:25:48All together now.

01:25:49Oh, sweet love, peace and harmony.

01:25:56Oh, sweet love, peace and harmony.

01:26:02Oh, sweet love, peace and harmony.

01:26:11Oh, sweet love, peace and harmony.

01:26:19Oh, sweet love, peace and harmony.

01:26:26Oh, sweet shout.

01:26:26I love you.

01:26:26Oh, sweet love, yeah.

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