00:01what do you do when your child is being bullied you know for a parent that kind
00:08of pain lands in the place words do not always reach it's not just frustration
00:14and it's not just anger it is heartbreak because the one being wounded is your
00:22child it's the person you love the person you have prayed over protected worried
00:31about and tried to guide through this world so when you realize they've been
00:37carrying pain you did not fully see something inside you drops you start
00:47thinking about the moment she missed you wonder how long it's been going on you
00:54wonder how much they have been holding in you wonder if they cried when no one
01:00was around you wonder if the things done to them have started turning into things
01:06they now believe about themselves that's what makes this so painful bullying is
01:15not just a hard moment in a hallway or on a bus or inside a group chat it can get
01:25into a child's confidence it can affect how safe they feel in the world and it can
01:32make them second-guess their own voice it can make them feel watched exposed
01:39embarrassed and alone a child who used to feel free can start becoming careful a
01:50child who used to laugh easily can start pulling back a child who used to feel
01:57light can start carrying something heavy inside and one of the hardest things for a
02:03parent is knowing you cannot reach into your child's heart and pull the pain out
02:10all at once so if this is your situation right now the first thing I want to say is
02:20this do not turn against yourself a lot of parents do that immediately they blame
02:28themselves for not seeing it sooner they start replaying everything they
02:34start asking what they should have noticed what they should have said what they
02:40should have done differently but shame will not help you lead your child through
02:47this guilt will not make you stronger for them what matters most right now is not
02:56that you caught every sign perfectly what matters is that you are here now you know
03:05now you can move now grace is still here even in this and when your child starts to
03:15open up even a little what they need first is not your panic they need your
03:23presence they need to feel that home is still safe they need to know their pain is
03:31not too messy for your love they need to see in your face that you believe in them
03:39and that matters more than many people realize you see a child who has been mocked or
03:48targeted often feels powerless they may already feel like nobody really sees what
03:54is happening they may fear that if they finally tell the truth they will be brushed off
04:02minimized or told that toughen up so when they come to you to you your response can begin restoring
04:14something before the situation is even solved listen carefully listen all the way do not rush
04:26to fill the silence do not interrupt the story because your own anger is rising let them talk slowly if
04:35they need to and let them tell it in pieces if that is all they can do children do not
04:43always explain pain in
04:45a clean order sometimes they circle it sometimes they leave parts out because they are embarrassed
04:54sometimes they act like it is smaller than it is because saying it plainly just makes it feel more real
05:03so let your child feel what it is like to be heard without being hurried sometimes healing begins in
05:13the moments a child realizes they do not have to carry the secrets alone anymore and then remind them of
05:23something they may be struggling to remember for themselves what somebody is doing to them is not
05:33the truth about who they are bullying tries to put a false name on a child it tries to turn
05:41cruelty
05:42into identity it says you are weak you are strange you are unwanted you do not belong you should be
05:56quiet
05:57you should be smaller than you are but the broken behavior of another person does not become the definition of
06:06your
06:06son or your daughter your child is not what they were called they are not the joke made at their
06:15expense
06:17they're not the rumor spread about them they're not the humiliation of one moment or the fear of one season
06:28they are made by god they carry worth that did that did not come from a crowd
06:36which means a crowd cannot take it away and this part
06:44this part matters deeply because the real battle is not only happening around your child it's happening
06:52inside them too you see the enemy loves to strike identity early he loves to take pain and turn it
07:02into
07:02agreement with a lie he loves to make a child feel ashamed of what makes them who they are
07:09fear he loves to make them believe they're being hurt because being less valuable is
07:19is his desire and that is why this is not only about stopping behavior
07:25fear it's about guarding a heart it's about standing between your child and the lie that
07:33this pain gets to shape the way they see themselves for years to come
07:39now that also means your home has to become a place of restoration not a place where your child is
07:47push to act fine before they are fine not a place where their tears are treated like an inconvenience
07:57not a place where they feel pressure to perform strength for your comfort
08:04home has to become the place where they can breathe again
08:08the place where they are not laughed at not dismissed not told that what hurt them should not hurt them
08:17a child who has been made to feel small in the world needs somewhere to stand where love gives them
08:24their size back
08:26and at the same time love does not mean pretending this will go away on its own
08:34faith does not mean passivity trusting god does not mean sitting still while your child's spirit
08:43is getting bruised sometimes faith looks like prayer and sometimes faith looks like action
08:55you see sometimes faith sounds like crying out to god in the middle of the night and sometimes
09:01faith sounds like making the phone call in the morning there may be teachers to talk to
09:09there may be administrators to contact there may be coaches counselors or parents who need to hear what
09:18is happening to your child there may be messages to save and details you need to document
09:25and there may be follow-up required because some people some people minimize what they do not want to deal
09:35with
09:36but protecting your child is not overreacting it's part of love it's part of stewardship and it's part of
09:46what it means to stand up for someone whose heart is still learning how to stand up for itself
09:54still while you act your child also needs your steadiness if you become all panic and angry they may feel
10:04even less safe if you become only rage they may stop telling you things because they fear the explosion
10:12and if you become cold they may feel abandoned inside their own pain but if you become steady
10:22if you become the voice that says i believe in you this matters and we are going to walk together
10:32through this then something powerful happens your child begins to feel that this pain is real
10:41but it's not bigger than the love surrounding them they begin to feel like hard things can be faced
10:49and they begin to feel that they are not alone in the fight
10:55you know i think there are parents who worry that helping too much will make their child weak
11:00they think they have to teach toughness by stepping back but teaching your child that they deserve dignity
11:10is not weakness teaching them to speak up is not weakness showing them that boundaries matter
11:19it is not weakness because real strength is not silent suffering real strength is not pretending something
11:28harmful does not hurt real strength is learning to tell the truth ask for help and keep your heart from
11:38becoming hard real strength is learning that you can be wounded and still remain angered in who god says you
11:46are
11:47and your child your child needs to hear that too they need to hear that being hurt does not mean
11:55they are weak
11:56weak it means they're human and some of the bravest children in the world are the ones walking into hard
12:03places
12:05while carrying pain they do not even fully know how to describe some of the bravest moments are the quiet
12:15ones
12:15a child getting out of bed and facing a place that no longer feels safe a child finally telling
12:24the truth after holding it in a child going back to school while their heart is still shaky
12:33you see courage is not always loud sometimes courage looks like trembling honestly
12:42and this is also where prayer matters in a deeper way pray for the bullying to stop yes
12:51pray for protection intervention favor and wisdom but also pray that your child does not internalize
12:59this lie pray that their identity stays rooted in truth pray that what was meant to humiliate them
13:08does not settle into shame pray that god guards their mind where you cannot see and pray that he places
13:18the right people around them you're the right people you see he will give you calm where you would
13:27naturally have panic he'll give you wisdom where you would naturally have only emotion
13:35God sees every place your child walks into feeling afraid he sees what teachers miss he sees what
13:46adults dismiss and he sees what children hide he is not absent from the school hallway the locker room the
13:57lunch table the bus ride or the silent drive home he is there and do not believe the lie that
14:07this has to define the rest of your child's life
14:11it may leave a mark but it does not have to write the ending children can heal confidence can return
14:21and joy can come back
14:25you see thankfully safety can be rebuilt and identity can actually grow stronger when truth
14:32love and the presence of God meet a child in a place where cruelty tried to undo them
14:41this wound does not have to become the voice that raises them
14:46God is able to speak louder than what was said to them and he's able to restore what fear tried
14:55to take so what do you do if your child is being bullied you draw near you listen well you
15:06believe them
15:07you study the room you study the room you remind them who they are you take wise action you
15:16pray deeply you stay present after the first conversation you keep speaking life until the truth becomes louder than
15:27the lie you let your child know that what happened to them it matters but it does not own them
15:36you let them know that they do not have to carry this by themselves anymore
15:43because that is the real answer to the lie bullying tells
15:49bullying tells a child that they're alone exposed and small but your love guided by God
15:59God can answer that lie with something stronger your child is not alone they're not forgotten they're not
16:09abandoned to this pain and with God's help well with God's help this season does not have to break them
16:19it can become the place where they learn maybe more deeply than ever before
16:26that even in a cruel world they are still seen still loved and still worth protecting
16:39bullying my name is douglas vandergraaf and i'm a victim of bullying
17:08i'm sorry
17:11my name is Douglas Van Der Graf
17:13and I believe in Jesus Christ
17:31God bless every one of you
17:35every single one
17:38bye bye
17:40bye
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