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00:00:00You think that I'm just
00:00:06Sunsuit Survivor
00:00:09You think that I'm just
00:00:16Sunsuit Survivor
00:00:18Thank you
00:00:25Thank you
00:00:26Thank you very much
00:00:37That is my time
00:00:39Thank you so much
00:00:41Did you see me trip into my special?
00:00:44That's great
00:00:45That sums up my whole act
00:00:51Buckle up
00:00:53Here we go
00:00:55So I know a lot of you
00:00:57Saw me get third place on America's Got Talent
00:01:04Thank you
00:01:07America's Got Talent is an amazing show to be part of
00:01:10It is definitely a little weird
00:01:13Because it's the largest talent show in the world
00:01:16But it's like comedy versus whatever
00:01:22Like do you like one-legged unicyclists?
00:01:27How about two dogs in a duffel bag?
00:01:31Doesn't make any sense this show
00:01:33And I don't mind getting third place
00:01:36That's actually great
00:01:37You know I'm touring all over
00:01:39And well I'm here tonight
00:01:48Well because this is what third gets ya
00:01:55Yeah fuck you Hollywood
00:02:01I'm going to Greenwood Village bitch
00:02:11Vegas can suck it too
00:02:15I'd rather be here any damn day
00:02:24Well I live here it's great
00:02:29Again third place is amazing
00:02:32But the thing is
00:02:34Me getting third place
00:02:37Just proves once again
00:02:41That Americans have no idea how to fucking vote
00:02:56Every chance you get you
00:02:57Fuck it up man
00:02:59Well this guy seems like a real dumbass
00:03:02Huh?
00:03:03That's my guy
00:03:04Yeah
00:03:08America's Got Talent though
00:03:09They want to like get you to say crazy things
00:03:13In these interviews
00:03:14So they'll be goating me like
00:03:16So Josh
00:03:17Do you think that you're funnier
00:03:19Than a little girl
00:03:20That can sing Pavarotti?
00:03:26I sure fucking hope so
00:03:31I know I can hip check her in the hallway
00:03:36I never wanted to beat up kids
00:03:38More in my life
00:03:40Little talented shits
00:03:42Get out of here
00:03:44I will say this about America's Got Talent
00:03:46It's very inclusive
00:03:48To the disabled community
00:03:51Yeah
00:03:56I mean some people call it exploitation
00:04:07But that's
00:04:08No it is very inclusive show
00:04:15Like you know I have cerebral palsy
00:04:18And there's amazing acts like Cody Lee
00:04:20He's blind and autistic
00:04:22Man he's amazing
00:04:24Such an amazing talent
00:04:25And then like it just all walks alive
00:04:28Like ballerinas with no arms
00:04:31And like all the way down
00:04:34To magicians
00:04:44I'm not sure what spectrum that is
00:04:47But they're definitely on it
00:04:52Again I don't mind getting third place
00:04:56But do you understand how humiliating it is
00:04:59To lose to a fucking magician?
00:05:08I've never been more embarrassed in my whole life
00:05:10I'm telling you
00:05:11But here's the thing about magic man
00:05:14It just gets me so bad
00:05:16Because we're a room full of adults
00:05:18You guys all understand
00:05:21That magic
00:05:24Isn't fucking real
00:05:25Right?
00:05:28You get that right?
00:05:29They tell you up front
00:05:31It's called a trick
00:05:34Okay I'm gonna trick you now
00:05:37And then somehow you're still like
00:05:39Oh my god
00:05:42Oh my god
00:05:49Where did my nickel go?
00:05:55The fucking creep stole it from me
00:06:01Fuck magic
00:06:03I hate that shit
00:06:05Look at this bunch of bullshit
00:06:07I've ever seen in my life
00:06:09I didn't like magic before this
00:06:11But now
00:06:14Yeah the other day
00:06:15My son tried to show me a magic trick
00:06:17I was like
00:06:18Not in this house
00:06:23You see son
00:06:24We have dignity
00:06:27Not like these fake ass wizards
00:06:31Little Harry Potter bitch
00:06:39Hey you guys wanna see a trick?
00:06:44That's actually what a pimp says
00:06:52And I'd much rather my son be a pimp
00:06:54Than a magician
00:07:03Listen man
00:07:03I don't know where you pulled that rabbit out of
00:07:05But I know where you can stick it
00:07:10Up there with that gerbil
00:07:18I knew there was some filthy magic lovers out there
00:07:26Dark arts motherfuckers
00:07:27Come on
00:07:30I gotta say
00:07:31A lot of you are laughing
00:07:32But I can see
00:07:33Quite a few people
00:07:34Just looking at me like
00:07:37Well he was such a nice boy on television
00:07:42I'm a real boy
00:07:51Just got my strings cut off
00:08:00Still working it out
00:08:07It's a Pinocchio joke guys
00:08:11I feel like some of you didn't get that
00:08:14I don't know why you wouldn't have got my reference
00:08:16I'm from a cartoon from the 40s
00:08:21Did you know that there is an actual like list
00:08:24Of all the talents
00:08:25In the world?
00:08:26Like there's a huge compiled list
00:08:29Of all
00:08:31And like it's a picking order
00:08:32Like of worth and value
00:08:36And like it's a very like
00:08:38It's a huge list
00:08:41I mean
00:08:42It's like
00:08:43It's so long
00:08:44And um
00:08:46I actually memorized it
00:08:48And I was gonna give you like a rundown
00:08:54Of what's on the list
00:08:55Obviously we don't have time for the whole list
00:08:58But like a good example
00:09:00Is that the very top
00:09:02Is
00:09:04Stand-up comedy
00:09:12And then the next rundown
00:09:14Is astronauts
00:09:20And then dolphins
00:09:24And Michael Jordan
00:09:26And then like I'll just scroll down
00:09:29Down
00:09:29Down
00:09:30Like a bunch of pages down
00:09:32And then we get to like
00:09:34Improv groups
00:09:35And then juggalos
00:09:39And then guitar acts
00:09:42And then the Irish
00:09:46And then
00:09:47And just calm down
00:09:49The list is still really long
00:09:51You're pretty high up
00:09:52Irish
00:09:53You're doing good
00:09:54It's a very long list
00:09:56Don't be so quick to judge here
00:10:00And again
00:10:01I just gonna scroll down
00:10:03To like
00:10:03Interesting rocks
00:10:05And then
00:10:08Like
00:10:09Like
00:10:09Chia pets
00:10:12And then
00:10:13Big kites
00:10:16And then
00:10:18Down
00:10:19Down
00:10:19Down
00:10:20And we go
00:10:20I'll just go to the bottom
00:10:22Where you finally get to mimes
00:10:26And then
00:10:30Mentalists
00:10:31And a mentalist
00:10:33Is just a magician
00:10:35That's smart enough
00:10:36Not to call themselves that
00:10:40And then
00:10:42Ventriloquists
00:10:45And then
00:10:46Joe Rogan
00:10:54And then
00:10:56You finally get on down
00:10:57To the filthy
00:10:58Fucking magicians
00:10:59Very bottom
00:11:01Very bottom
00:11:01Very bottom
00:11:02Well here's the thing
00:11:04If you're not getting
00:11:04My humor
00:11:08That's actually my fault
00:11:11You see
00:11:12I didn't explain
00:11:14How comedy works
00:11:17So I'm just gonna
00:11:18Give you a quick rundown
00:11:21And again
00:11:22This isn't for most of you
00:11:25You're doing great
00:11:29Just a couple of pockets
00:11:36All right
00:11:37So how a joke works
00:11:40Is I
00:11:42Take an idea
00:11:46And then
00:11:47I go and I take
00:11:48Another idea
00:11:51And then
00:11:53I
00:11:53Bring them together
00:11:57And then
00:11:57When they come together
00:12:00That's the funny part
00:12:05But the only thing is
00:12:08You gotta do the math
00:12:12So you gotta be able
00:12:13To go into your own head
00:12:15And then figure out
00:12:16Why
00:12:20The other people
00:12:21Are laughing
00:12:31All right
00:12:32Well let's see
00:12:33If you can follow
00:12:34This one
00:12:37So I got a neighbor
00:12:40That's colorblind
00:12:41And he
00:12:43Is surprisingly
00:12:45Racist
00:12:55You guys get it?
00:13:00It's because
00:13:02He doesn't see color
00:13:06That's the part
00:13:07That's weird
00:13:09That he would
00:13:10Harbor hatred
00:13:11In his heart
00:13:17I hate that guy
00:13:18Man
00:13:21The other day
00:13:22I went over to his house
00:13:23I was like
00:13:23Listen man
00:13:24It's not cool
00:13:25To be racist
00:13:26He was like
00:13:26Get your black ass
00:13:27Off my porch
00:13:41I was like
00:13:42She
00:13:43That was a pretty
00:13:54Easy one guys
00:13:59And I'm gonna
00:13:59Step it up now
00:14:04You know
00:14:05Because there's
00:14:05No point
00:14:06In holding
00:14:06The whole class back
00:14:09For just
00:14:10A couple of pockets
00:14:19Oh
00:14:20Hey
00:14:21Is that
00:14:22For me
00:14:23Oh thank you
00:14:24Was it
00:14:25That bad
00:14:26Huh
00:14:28I thought
00:14:29I was doing
00:14:29Okay
00:14:34You know
00:14:35It's bad
00:14:36When a seasoned
00:14:37Server's like
00:14:38Hey I've seen
00:14:38A lot of shows
00:14:39And you're gonna
00:14:40Need this
00:14:47It's not
00:14:47A good sign
00:14:48On the special
00:14:49You know
00:14:54Well here's the real deal
00:14:55I do like drinking
00:14:56But I'm
00:14:57Already working
00:14:58With a speech impediment
00:14:59So
00:15:03And besides
00:15:04I don't know
00:15:04Which one of you
00:15:05Sick fucks
00:15:06Sent that up here
00:15:10You see one of you
00:15:12Just say
00:15:12Give this to the comedian
00:15:14It's a little payback
00:15:17For Cosby
00:15:20Holy shit
00:15:23Alright
00:15:23Alright
00:15:25Oh
00:15:26Alright
00:15:26Oh
00:15:28Yeah
00:15:29Just making sure
00:15:30We're all listening
00:15:34Yeah
00:15:35You're doing it
00:15:36You're doing it
00:15:39So proud of you guys
00:15:43Come a long way
00:15:44Tonight
00:15:45That Cosby thing
00:15:46Man
00:15:47That fucked me up
00:15:47Because
00:15:48As a comedian
00:15:49I grew up
00:15:50Looking up to that guy
00:15:51We all watched his show
00:15:53It was a great show
00:15:54And then that came out
00:15:55About him
00:15:55And it ruined
00:15:56His body of work
00:15:58But here's my thing
00:16:00I always was
00:16:00A little suspicious
00:16:03Because anytime
00:16:04Anybody's that clean
00:16:07In public
00:16:09Remember he was
00:16:10I was like
00:16:10Oh you can't say
00:16:11The filthy curse words
00:16:14That just reminds me
00:16:15Of those politicians
00:16:16That are like
00:16:18These
00:16:19Homosexuals
00:16:20Are ruining our nation
00:16:23Blah
00:16:32Blah
00:16:33Just
00:16:37Sucking
00:16:38Random dicks
00:16:39In airports
00:16:39Blah
00:16:40Blah
00:16:40Blah
00:16:42I can't find
00:16:43Enough of these things
00:16:44Blah
00:16:45Blah
00:16:46Blah
00:16:46Blah
00:16:51Blah
00:16:52Remember they busted
00:16:53A senator
00:16:54In the Minneapolis airport
00:16:56It was a little while back
00:16:57They had a whole
00:16:58Sting operation
00:16:59It was called
00:17:02To catch a senator
00:17:08And they got one
00:17:11It didn't even take too long
00:17:15But basically how it worked
00:17:17Is that you go
00:17:18In the men's room
00:17:19And then you go
00:17:20Into one of the stalls
00:17:22And you poke your foot
00:17:23Under the side
00:17:24To the next stall
00:17:26And that's a sign
00:17:27That you
00:17:29You know
00:17:30Need a blowjob
00:17:32Whatever makes you fly better
00:17:34You know
00:17:45All I'm saying guys
00:17:47I fly a lot
00:17:49And I'm like
00:17:51Well how far
00:17:52I gotta get my leg
00:17:53Under you
00:18:04Come on
00:18:05Two stalls over
00:18:08No takers
00:18:09No takers
00:18:15All I get is
00:18:16Pissed off dudes
00:18:17Like here's some
00:18:18Toilet paper
00:18:18Fuck off
00:18:31Fuckin' magic
00:18:42You get it?
00:18:48You know
00:18:49Having a disability
00:18:50Is interesting
00:18:51Because people
00:18:52Always want to
00:18:53Help me with stuff
00:18:54And that's so kind
00:18:55I do appreciate it
00:18:57But here's the deal
00:18:58For the most part
00:18:59I got it
00:19:01You know
00:19:03And the other thing
00:19:04About me
00:19:04Is I'm not afraid
00:19:05To ask you for help
00:19:08Like I know my limits
00:19:09Like let's say
00:19:10There's a pot
00:19:12Of hot soup
00:19:13That needs to be carried
00:19:18I'm like hey
00:19:19Hey please
00:19:20You know
00:19:21Thank you
00:19:23I appreciate that
00:19:24Man
00:19:24Thank you
00:19:28Well what I've
00:19:29Come to find
00:19:30Is that more often
00:19:31Than not
00:19:31People are like
00:19:31Hey can I pour
00:19:32That for you
00:19:33And then they
00:19:34Spill it
00:19:35And I'm like
00:19:35Well I could have
00:19:36Fuckin' done that
00:19:44And you robbed me
00:19:45Of my independence
00:19:51That's actually
00:19:52The funny part
00:19:57Cheers everyone
00:20:04Yeah
00:20:04Use more next time
00:20:06Date Raper
00:20:14I ain't feeling shit
00:20:17It's just good
00:20:18To be touring
00:20:19You know
00:20:19Well the whole thing
00:20:20With COVID
00:20:21Is like
00:20:21You guys
00:20:22Understand
00:20:23That I'm
00:20:24Coming in here
00:20:26With
00:20:27Some pre-existing
00:20:28Conditions
00:20:34Let me tell you
00:20:35When COVID
00:20:35Showed up
00:20:36I was like
00:20:36Get in line
00:20:37Motherfucker
00:20:43You're at the back
00:20:44With bunions
00:20:45And tennis elbow
00:20:52They're good dudes
00:20:53They'll show you around
00:20:56Inns and outs
00:20:59COVID though
00:21:00Man
00:21:00I mean I've been
00:21:01A comedian
00:21:01For 20 years
00:21:02Doing 200 shows
00:21:04A year
00:21:04And then the pandemic
00:21:06Hit
00:21:06And I became
00:21:07A home school teacher
00:21:13I was very ill
00:21:15Prepared for that
00:21:18You see folks
00:21:19I'm a comic
00:21:20For a reason
00:21:23Like sorry guys
00:21:24Daddy can't help you
00:21:26With your math homework
00:21:27But if you need
00:21:28A good dick joke
00:21:29I gotcha
00:21:38A big one
00:21:39With curves
00:21:40In it
00:21:44That's curves
00:21:45Plural
00:21:48I like a good
00:21:50Plot twist
00:21:53I don't know
00:21:55The whole pandemic
00:21:55I mean
00:21:56Here's the deal
00:21:57I have
00:21:58I have two kids
00:21:59I love being a dad
00:22:01And uh
00:22:03Oh
00:22:04Oh
00:22:06Thanks
00:22:07I'll be sure
00:22:08And tell them
00:22:09You did that
00:22:13Hey guys
00:22:14At my special
00:22:14On the seven people
00:22:16Clap for you
00:22:27You guys
00:22:28Understand that
00:22:29I
00:22:30Can
00:22:31Fucking hear
00:22:32Right
00:22:37I don't know
00:22:39I don't know
00:22:40I don't know
00:22:41I don't know
00:22:42I don't know
00:22:45I have two kids
00:22:47And uh
00:22:47I also have
00:22:4850% custody
00:22:49Of the kids
00:22:51And uh
00:22:52Well
00:22:53If you know
00:22:54Anything about that
00:22:55You know
00:22:59That's
00:23:00A lot of custody
00:23:13I've actually
00:23:14Like sat down
00:23:15And worked it out
00:23:16That's half
00:23:16Of my time
00:23:21And that's real
00:23:22That's real time
00:23:25That you don't get back
00:23:26It's real
00:23:30Again
00:23:31I love my kids
00:23:32Very much
00:23:33But
00:23:34It's time
00:23:35To go to your
00:23:36Fucking mom's house
00:23:44I have a 12 year old
00:23:46Daughter
00:23:46And uh
00:23:47She
00:23:49Will not
00:23:50Shut the fuck up
00:23:51Red
00:23:52Oh my god
00:23:54Oh
00:23:57Again
00:23:58I like her a lot
00:24:02She's probably
00:24:02In my top five
00:24:12I just don't know
00:24:13How to tell her
00:24:14Any other way
00:24:15I don't give a
00:24:16Flying fuck
00:24:17Don't buy Ariana Grande
00:24:22And then
00:24:23To offset that
00:24:23I also have
00:24:24A 14 year old boy
00:24:26Living at the house
00:24:28You guys familiar
00:24:29With these weirdies
00:24:33I'm telling you
00:24:34It's all I can do
00:24:35To keep them
00:24:35Off the magic
00:24:48I'm like
00:24:48Nah bro
00:24:52Oh and he's also
00:24:53Been taking a lot
00:24:54Of long showers
00:24:59Yeah and when he
00:25:00Finally comes out
00:25:01His hair isn't even wet
00:25:12Come on man
00:25:15You can lie
00:25:16Better to me
00:25:20The other day
00:25:21I stopped him
00:25:22In the hallway
00:25:23After a particularly
00:25:24Long shower
00:25:27I caught him
00:25:28I was like
00:25:28Hey man listen
00:25:29I don't give a shit
00:25:31What you're doing
00:25:31In there
00:25:32Just turn off
00:25:33The fucking water
00:25:44I'm like
00:25:44Do you understand
00:25:45How many laughs
00:25:46I had to get
00:25:47For that shower
00:25:54That wasn't enough
00:25:55Guys
00:25:58Yeah
00:25:59My boy's ankles
00:26:01Are still dry
00:26:06He's causing
00:26:07The drought here
00:26:15Remember the first
00:26:17Couple months
00:26:18Of the lockdown
00:26:19There's some real
00:26:20Dark days
00:26:22Yeah I just
00:26:23Thought I'd bring you
00:26:25Back there
00:26:26Back there
00:26:28I remember the first
00:26:29Couple of months
00:26:30Of that lockdown
00:26:31The whole world
00:26:32Is caving in
00:26:33Around me
00:26:34All of us
00:26:35You know
00:26:35We don't know
00:26:35What the hell
00:26:36Is going on
00:26:37You lost your job
00:26:38You're locked in
00:26:40Your house
00:26:40With your kids
00:26:44Just washing your
00:26:46Mail and shit
00:26:50I tell you
00:26:51I found myself
00:26:52Doing all these
00:26:53Childhood activities
00:26:54You know
00:26:55Like doing puzzles
00:26:56And playing board games
00:26:58And crying
00:27:04Maybe throw in
00:27:05Some long showers
00:27:14Sometimes I'd cry
00:27:15In the shower
00:27:18Just multitasking
00:27:23I'll tell you this
00:27:24About the pandemic
00:27:25Like I would rather cry
00:27:28Than do a fucking puzzle
00:27:33Shit I'd rather eat
00:27:35A puzzle
00:27:38Thousand pieces
00:27:39No problem
00:27:43And then in the morning
00:27:45I shit out
00:27:45A rustic farmhouse
00:27:57Which is weird
00:27:59Because it was
00:27:59A puzzle of a kitty
00:28:06Something ain't right
00:28:07Down there
00:28:10Something's off
00:28:17So stupid
00:28:18Alright
00:28:27Yeah this right arm
00:28:29He's a
00:28:31He's a busy boy
00:28:32Over there
00:28:36Very busy
00:28:38Appendage
00:28:38For sure
00:28:40It's like living
00:28:41With a raccoon
00:28:42Or something
00:28:45Yeah the sun
00:28:46Goes down
00:28:47He got some shit
00:28:48To do
00:28:51He's over there
00:28:52Scurrying around
00:28:55I still don't even know
00:28:56Where he got the watch
00:29:09Yeah
00:29:09Little fucker
00:29:10Won't let me look
00:29:11At it either
00:29:34They probably got it
00:29:35From a magician
00:29:46Fuck magic
00:29:51Fucking hate magic
00:29:52Alright
00:29:55Motherfucker
00:30:05I'm like
00:30:05At night
00:30:06I'm trying to sleep
00:30:07And this thing
00:30:07Is just up
00:30:08You know
00:30:09Writing emails
00:30:19I'm like
00:30:19Who could you
00:30:20Possibly be
00:30:21Writing to
00:30:23Probably
00:30:24Some clubfoot
00:30:25In Kansas
00:30:35That's a
00:30:36That's a pretty hard
00:30:37Correspondent right there
00:30:40I can't imagine
00:30:41A clubfoot
00:30:42Types too well
00:30:48I don't know
00:30:49Why I say this shit
00:30:50Man
00:30:50I don't
00:30:51I don't
00:30:54I never write
00:30:55Any of this down
00:30:56It's just
00:30:59You should see me
00:31:00Before the show
00:31:00Just pacing around
00:31:02Like
00:31:02Oh man
00:31:03I hope it comes out again
00:31:07Frankly
00:31:08You're lucky
00:31:08I'm even
00:31:09Facing the right direction
00:31:11Oh
00:31:13Yeah
00:31:17Oh
00:31:18Look at this shit
00:31:19Look at this
00:31:25Don't encourage him
00:31:28He didn't earn that
00:31:31I got dudes
00:31:32Running up on me
00:31:33Yo bro
00:31:34You work out
00:31:34I'm like
00:31:36I can't even
00:31:36Get him to lift
00:31:37A fucking fork
00:31:41This is straight
00:31:42Palsy bro
00:31:45You wish
00:31:46You had this
00:31:49Man
00:31:50I've been
00:31:50Working out
00:31:51Since I came out
00:31:57And probably
00:31:58A little
00:31:58In utero
00:32:02You know
00:32:03What they say
00:32:04The early baby
00:32:05Gets the Popeye arm
00:32:13I don't
00:32:14Think they
00:32:14Really say that
00:32:19But now that
00:32:19You heard me say
00:32:20You should say it
00:32:23Try that at work
00:32:24And let me know
00:32:25How it goes
00:32:28Actually I'm pretty sure
00:32:29I know how that goes
00:32:31Hey Thompson
00:32:32You're early today
00:32:33Well boss
00:32:34You know what they say
00:32:35The early baby
00:32:36Gets the Popeye arm
00:32:37Huh
00:32:44I'm gonna need you
00:32:44To pack your shit up
00:32:45And get out of here
00:32:53Okay
00:32:55You've had your turn
00:32:57Bud
00:32:58Oh
00:32:58Oh
00:32:59Okay
00:32:59We'll do it
00:33:01You wanna
00:33:01This'll
00:33:03This'll shut him up
00:33:04Alright look at this
00:33:20Palsy shadow puppets
00:33:24I'm gonna win AGT
00:33:25Next time
00:33:29Apparently the only thing
00:33:31That can beat magic
00:33:32Is a
00:33:32Injured crane
00:33:42Did you
00:33:43Did you see the shadow
00:33:4737 more months
00:33:49Of winter
00:33:56Fucking magic
00:34:03Now listen
00:34:05I was coming in here
00:34:06Tonight
00:34:07And one of you
00:34:08Stopped me out there
00:34:09In the lobby
00:34:10Just so excited
00:34:12Hey
00:34:13I came here
00:34:14Just to see you
00:34:17I was like
00:34:18Well
00:34:18I guess you can
00:34:19Fucking go home
00:34:29Mission accomplished
00:34:33You dumbass
00:34:40And if you figured out
00:34:42You're supposed to
00:34:43Stick around
00:34:45Sorry I called you
00:34:46Dumbass
00:34:49I don't know
00:34:50I was at my hotel
00:34:51The other day
00:34:52I went to go get
00:34:53Some delicious
00:34:54Lobby coffee
00:34:55You know
00:34:58Mmm
00:34:59Mmm
00:35:03Is it just me
00:35:04Or does every hotel
00:35:05Somehow manage
00:35:06To make their coffee
00:35:07Tastes like it was
00:35:09Percolated through
00:35:10A trucker's ass
00:35:15Mmm
00:35:16Mmm
00:35:21Chunky
00:35:31That's actually where
00:35:32The term
00:35:33Cup of Joe
00:35:34Comes from
00:35:36Mmm
00:35:36Mmm
00:35:41Thanks Joe
00:35:44You made a good one
00:35:47From his
00:35:48Rim to mine
00:36:01Sorry
00:36:02It's so gross
00:36:04You know
00:36:05Before I say
00:36:06This crazy shit
00:36:07I do have
00:36:08That alarm
00:36:08In my head
00:36:09Going off
00:36:09Like
00:36:10Hey dude
00:36:11Don't say
00:36:13Clubfoot in Kansas
00:36:15Or
00:36:15Something
00:36:18But then I say
00:36:19It and you laugh
00:36:20And I'm like
00:36:20Ha ha
00:36:20I told you
00:36:21Fucker
00:36:26Don't you be
00:36:27Questioning me
00:36:32You know
00:36:32I really used
00:36:33To think
00:36:33I had a way
00:36:34With animals
00:36:36And then I realized
00:36:37That I just
00:36:38Make a lot
00:36:39Of crumbs
00:36:49I just got a pack
00:36:51Of random ass
00:36:51Dog
00:36:52Is following me
00:36:53Around
00:36:54Just hoping
00:36:55I'll break
00:36:56Into a muffin
00:36:56Or something
00:36:59I don't know
00:37:00How many times
00:37:01I've tried
00:37:01To go into
00:37:02A restaurant
00:37:02And they're like
00:37:02You can't bring
00:37:03Your dogs
00:37:04In here
00:37:04These ain't
00:37:05My fucking
00:37:05Dogs
00:37:08If you could
00:37:09Get them to
00:37:09Piss off
00:37:09That'd be
00:37:10Great
00:37:13And then I come
00:37:13To find
00:37:14They're just
00:37:14Other people's
00:37:15Service dogs
00:37:27They just saw me
00:37:28Stumbling by
00:37:29They're like
00:37:30Hey man
00:37:30You wait here
00:37:32I gotta help
00:37:32This guy
00:37:42Hey slow down
00:37:44I got your mail
00:37:54You guys
00:37:55Get it?
00:38:05Makes me feel
00:38:06Happy that
00:38:06You're doing
00:38:07You're doing
00:38:07The work
00:38:08You're doing
00:38:09The work
00:38:18Sorry this is
00:38:19Bugging the shit
00:38:20I mean
00:38:20Look at this
00:38:30Like where the fuck
00:38:31They think
00:38:31I was going
00:38:41This stage
00:38:42Ain't that big
00:38:45There's enough
00:38:46Leash here
00:38:46To go outside
00:38:50You guys
00:38:51Want to go outside?
00:38:54You gonna
00:38:55Go outside?
00:38:56Go outside
00:38:58Go
00:38:59Go outside
00:39:01Go
00:39:01Go
00:39:01Go
00:39:03Go
00:39:03Go
00:39:03Go
00:39:03Go
00:39:03Go
00:39:04Go
00:39:05Go
00:39:05Go
00:39:05Outside
00:39:09The other day I was in my backyard with my kids, you know, we're just out there chipping
00:39:16away at that 50% time and just got them out there pulling weeds or whatever.
00:39:34And then a bird landed on me, it scared the shit out of me, I'm not going to lie.
00:39:40And here's the deal with that, that upsets me because I pride myself on not being afraid
00:39:46of bugs or animals, but when you see that out of the corner of your eye and then you
00:39:53think that it's a bug, it's a big fucking bug, right?
00:40:00No, just a bird sitting there.
00:40:02Its claws came through though, it felt like a giant-ass global warming June bug or something.
00:40:13It was just looking at me all calm, it was so calm I started feeling like Snow White.
00:40:25Like, look children, it picked me.
00:40:29I'm the pretty one, yes.
00:40:35Yeah, and then it ate something out of my beard and flew away.
00:40:47Feed your family.
00:40:53It's a symbiotic relationship.
00:40:57It gets food and I get clean.
00:41:02All right, not too many science buffs out there.
00:41:10You know, people often ask me if my show is family friendly.
00:41:14And I'm like, well, it depends on your fucking family.
00:41:21I'm going to let you decide.
00:41:24I don't know about you folks, but I like my kids learning from professionals.
00:41:33Ooh, thanks for the whistle.
00:41:37I'm going to store that in my heart for sure.
00:41:44I do travel a lot.
00:41:47The other day I had to go to Cleveland.
00:41:50And, uh...
00:41:53Well, the night before, I went out to dinner with my lady.
00:41:57We went to a pretty fancy place.
00:42:00Dressed up nice.
00:42:02And we were having fun.
00:42:04A little drinking, laughing, eating.
00:42:06And, uh, I was feeling good.
00:42:09My timing was on.
00:42:12So then across the way, there was this old couple.
00:42:15They looked real nice.
00:42:17They dressed, but they just look like
00:42:19they're having the most boring conversation you could possibly have.
00:42:25So I looked at my lady.
00:42:26I was like, hey, babe.
00:42:28I hope when we're old, we're not like that.
00:42:32You know, still together.
00:42:49She laughed.
00:42:50She laughed.
00:42:51Thank goodness.
00:42:52That's a scary joke right there.
00:42:55Taking some risks.
00:43:00so then that night before I flew to Cleveland early well in bed she held me
00:43:08the entire night so then in the morning when my alarm went off I rolled over I
00:43:17was like hey babe you know when I come back I'm gonna do the same thing for you
00:43:22and then we're gonna see how you fucking like that I'm hot I'm hot
00:43:32very hot I'm hot I love you but I'm hot I'm very very hot please I'm hot I will let
00:43:48you put a toe on my
00:43:50cast but besides that I'm a hot very very hot
00:44:05and the thing is we have a big old California king-size bed this is a huge bed and the
00:44:11other
00:44:12night she came all the way over and pushed me in the ocean the other night I got up and
00:44:23I walked all the
00:44:24way around to the Nevada side cuz I'm hot I'm hot hot hot damn it
00:44:45guys ever feel like you're having a heart attack and then you burp and you're like oh okay
00:44:56I thought I was dying man I almost called an ambulance that's an expensive ass burp right there
00:45:06you burping the ambulance you're like oh I'm uh I'm just gonna get out right here I'm fine
00:45:11I don't know I don't mind the walk that's fine I feel I'm rejuvenated okay yeah sorry sorry about
00:45:22that no I'm good I'm fine well that leads me to my next question why do we stop burping people
00:45:37it's so weird like think about a baby one of its main needs is to be burped it cries it's
00:45:43in pain
00:45:43you pop it on the back a couple times all better why do we cut that off at two
00:45:53all I'm saying is I'm pretty sure we could fix this country's acid reflux problem
00:46:00you just gotta burp your buddy every now and again aren't you sick of taking all these antacid
00:46:08tablets to just stay alive I'm telling you man we're gonna shut down big pharma
00:46:18it's my burp America campaign
00:46:24hustle brother up
00:46:31and this shit really works I mean I'm not selling you no fish oil here
00:46:41is it snake oil
00:46:47sorry guys sometimes you get my animal oils mixed up
00:46:53I gotta take more fish oil to remember it snake oil
00:47:00all right not too many homeopaths out there
00:47:06oh there's one
00:47:12I'm telling you I had some horrible acid reflux
00:47:15and then one day I realized that my kids are now big enough to burp me
00:47:21like payback's a bitch
00:47:25why don't you go get daddy's burping beach towel
00:47:28and
00:47:38let's move some chili around
00:47:49I just feel like amazon has made it too easy to order stuff online
00:47:55yeah the other day I came home and there was a box on my porch
00:47:58and then um he's all excited
00:48:01like what did you do
00:48:11just open it up it's one bedazzled glove
00:48:24and I'm not putting that on you dude
00:48:27you gotta play dress up on your own time
00:48:32maybe give your clubfoot buddy a call
00:48:39and we all know he wouldn't be much help
00:48:44no grabbers
00:48:52again the alarm in my head was like don't say no grabbers
00:48:58I should've listened
00:49:00did you just snort
00:49:11yeah don't be embarrassed that's a sign of success in my business
00:49:20yeah I'd tally my snorts
00:49:24just another diagonal line to the fore
00:49:28my question is where do you even buy one glove
00:49:33I mean now that Michael Jackson's gone
00:49:38really can't be much of a market for that
00:49:42in fact I'm pretty sure he single-handedly held that market up
00:49:56all right sometimes I gotta throw some low-hanging fruit out there
00:50:02try to get the group back together
00:50:06you guys bunch up again bunch up
00:50:10there is a company that sells one of things
00:50:14it's uh intended for amputees
00:50:17it's called share a pair
00:50:26yeah they got all kinds of shit on there
00:50:29it's pretty cool it's like their idea is like if you're missing your size 10
00:50:34right foot and you're missing your size 10 left foot
00:50:37fuck it share a pair
00:50:39you know
00:50:41it's pretty cool it's ecological and economical
00:50:45and the products are cool they got gloves and shoes and earrings
00:50:57see earrings is one of those ones where I want you guys to do a little bit of it
00:51:06like once you go in your head like why are they missing a year you know
00:51:10was it was it a bad fishing trip or
00:51:14or like a relatively good combine accident
00:51:24you see that's why I wanted you to do it
00:51:28when I do it I get rough with it
00:51:32you gotta admit that's a pretty good combine accident
00:51:35if all you lost was one ear you're doing good
00:51:41I've been doing comedy uh pretty much my whole adult life
00:51:45I did have one day job out of college
00:51:48I uh worked for six months at a day program
00:51:51which is basically a daycare for
00:51:55adults with severe mental and physical disabilities
00:51:59uh you know I really have had so much help in my life
00:52:05so my thought was like let me go back in the world and give some of that back
00:52:09and I uh I worked there for six months
00:52:12and uh that is because I couldn't take anymore
00:52:22and now let's just be clear about the situation
00:52:25it had nothing to do with the people that came in for the services
00:52:28the problem is every morning they would come into the facility on the short bus
00:52:37and uh I gotta tell you there was nothing that I could do
00:52:42to convince the driver that I worked there
00:52:56I go all right man thanks I got it from here
00:52:58okay buddy
00:53:04who's a good helper
00:53:06who's a good helper are you a good helper
00:53:09why don't you go inside go get a person
00:53:16like I'll break your fucking wrist sir
00:53:19these are my new co-workers just looking out the window laughing their ass
00:53:26I said send them out again send them out again
00:53:34six months of that shit
00:53:37I snapped one morning I just I picked up a helmet and I put it on and I got on
00:53:42the dude's bus
00:53:48take me home motherfucker I'm done here motherfucker I'm done
00:53:57and now I do comedy
00:54:01career move
00:54:07this has been really weird for me I have a buddy that I've known my entire life
00:54:11we actually went to preschool together and um I'll just tell you this up front about the guy
00:54:17he is um he's able-bodied
00:54:22and like you know I'm I'm fine with that
00:54:27I'm cool I mean it's cool
00:54:29I'm just you know early on I took him under my wing
00:54:40showing the ways of the world and you know
00:54:45and uh well here's the thing is that uh
00:54:49right before the pandemic he got married
00:54:52and that was really exciting I got to be the best man
00:54:55and then um he and his wife they uh then had their first baby again very exciting
00:55:06but then more recently um their son was diagnosed with cerebral palsy
00:55:14so it's it's just like interesting and weird because this guy that I've known my whole life
00:55:21is now coming to me asking me all these questions
00:55:26and I'm like no
00:55:30I didn't sleep with your wife
00:55:53but if he's got hair like this
00:55:58get him checked
00:56:06it's just uh
00:56:09I'm sorry I just joke in my head that I'm like I'm not saying that
00:56:22all right listen guys you don't have to twist my arm
00:56:33sorry pretty hooked up over there
00:56:39all right all right well just remember you wanted me to say this
00:56:45so I recently discovered that you don't need the peanut butter for a dog to lick your ass hole
00:57:13thanks joe
00:57:16well I only bring this up
00:57:20because I know some of you sick fucks out there
00:57:24wasting your money on peanut butter
00:57:32could be saving up for something
00:57:36all I'm saying is a dog is gonna do it for free
00:57:45all right I would like to clarify uh that is not a field-tested joke
00:57:54I just took the elements was like huh
00:57:59checks out
00:58:15hey do you guys think if I die in a freak accident that the media will have the nerve to
00:58:24call it that
00:58:35I do
00:58:36I do
00:58:39fucking jackals
00:58:44there's a lot of bang for your buck in that little joke right there
00:58:48I'll tell you this when I do die I don't want to be cremated
00:58:54but I do want my remains to be scattered
00:59:05yeah just run me through a wood chip
00:59:07and I
00:59:11he loved this mall
00:59:17they're never gonna forget him at build-a-bear
00:59:27Josh blue juicy bear
00:59:32I will admit that I've been watching a lot of serial killer documentaries
00:59:37and I think I'm finally ready
00:59:45my research is complete
00:59:48time to get to getting
00:59:52I figure uh you know start in Colorado
00:59:56seems like a real starter state
01:00:00a lot of mountains and you know and people that wouldn't be missed
01:00:09not you folks of course
01:00:12sure you all got a
01:00:14colorblind racist neighbor or something
01:00:21you guys remember
01:00:25from earlier
01:00:29just checking
01:00:34yeah uh you know me as a serial killer
01:00:38yeah the night stumbler
01:00:46i'm pretty sure forensics have caught up to my skill level
01:00:51they're gonna catch on pretty quick like these strangle marks are really weird
01:01:02and this guy's footprints all over the fucking place
01:01:14this was all before he got to the victim
01:01:24the real struggle happened over here
01:01:29the fuck was he doing
01:01:36gonna try and tie his shoe or something
01:01:40are you guys seeing all these dog tracks
01:01:56what's that you're saying
01:01:58how the victim is another magician
01:02:09oh yeah and by that tan line he looks like he's missing a watch
01:02:21and what do we have here
01:02:24one but as a glove
01:02:33hey burn that for me
01:02:36i'm trying to frame a guy on share a pair
01:02:48you get it
01:02:54hey did you know that botox was originally being invented
01:02:57to help people with cerebral palsy
01:03:01it's a pretty cool thing man they were developing it they were trying to find a way
01:03:07so that they could inject the muscles so that um
01:03:13wouldn't fucking do that
01:03:20well but then somewhere along the way they discovered that botox also makes wrinkles go away
01:03:29and then they were like
01:03:30well fuck cerebral palsy
01:03:37we could really be helping people
01:03:42god forbid you had a crow foot
01:03:46the guy with the twisty arm can wait
01:03:52i love that joke man
01:03:56because i'm sure you can feel that weird vibe that kind of rolls across the room
01:04:01what that is is that's just all the people with botox trying to frown
01:04:19i guess all joking aside what i want to know is uh does he look younger
01:04:30no crow feet on that
01:04:34all right i gotta tell you this one of the last crazy thing that happened to me uh over the
01:04:38over
01:04:39the pandemic and now this really gets me worked up man i'm not gonna lie this is uh more more
01:04:46uh
01:04:46uh it's just more offensive than the peanut butter thing but
01:04:53but it's in a much different way and it's some somehow grosser but
01:05:00all right i'll just i'll just just let's tell you what happened so over the quarantine i ended up
01:05:07needing to get a new business manager which is like a very important role in a career
01:05:13but here's the thing is that we were doing the hiring process over zoom which to me is not
01:05:21a way to communicate with other people it's just not it's so not personal and the hiring a very
01:05:26important job because i feel like if i get to meet you face to face look at your eyes shake
01:05:31your hand
01:05:32i'm a pretty good judge of character but like on zoom i can't even tell if you got pants on
01:05:38or not
01:05:41that's always my last question of the interview i'm like and uh can you please stand up
01:05:49show me what you're working with
01:05:57and if you're in a wheelchair just scoot in the frame
01:06:04i'm an equal opportunity employer
01:06:10wouldn't that be funny if i wasn't though
01:06:17like fuck these blind people
01:06:23non-seeing motherfucker
01:06:28go ahead and laugh they can't see you
01:06:35anyway i hired this guy i thought he was the right guy for the job
01:06:40and to tell the truth he was doing great numbers look good operations running smooth
01:06:47so then remember when the pandemic finally broke enough we could start going out to restaurants
01:06:53i was like all right let me take this guy out to lunch and meet him in person
01:06:58now at lunch he orders a sub sandwich and you know when you get your sub
01:07:07there's the cut end there's the cut end and then there's the heel end
01:07:14he fucking ate it from the heel end
01:07:34i had never seen no shit like that
01:07:36i had never seen no shit like that
01:07:47i fired him on the spot i was like we are done here you psycho
01:07:55you're changing passwords
01:07:59seriously how about the show of hands right now you ever seen anybody do that
01:08:03no because it's not a fucking thing that you do
01:08:09oh yeah now you want to be a member of our society get the
01:08:13fuck out of here
01:08:16a chinchilla knows better than that
01:08:23look i know that our country is very politically divided right now
01:08:27but i am all pretty sure we can come together on this
01:08:33and don't eat the heel end and then burp your buddy
01:08:45oh you know who does eat it from the heel end
01:08:48fucking magicians
01:08:52you guys are awesome thank you so much
01:09:15you think that i'm just
01:09:17you think that i'm just
01:09:27where do you write your material this is it bud
01:09:33i really write i mean i don't ever write anything down i'm really serious i don't
01:09:38i always said this if i ever put like a little bit of effort into this
01:09:46i could be really fucking good
01:09:55i just don't care
01:09:59yeah one left make it good
01:10:03Ready?
01:10:06Oh, god fuck.
01:10:45You know it's okay for a cripple to beat up a woman, right?
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