- 2 days ago
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00:03This better be good. I stopped cooking for this.
00:06You cook?
00:07Do not confuse me cooking bitches in Call of War with the lady bitch cooking you do in the kitchen.
00:12Okay, it's too early for you.
00:13Oh, you're telling me. My alarm interrupted my wet dream.
00:17It was going to be a wet dream, but then I woke up before it was a wet dream.
00:22Stop saying wet dream.
00:23We were referees, and we were watching Hulk Hogan and Cate Blanchett absolutely ravage my asshole.
00:29I mean toss it like a Caesar salad. Like destroy me like an old Italian restaurant.
00:34No more talking until I've had my coffee. And after that, still no more talking.
00:45Why are you so chipper?
00:46Because big things are happening this morning.
00:48Don't talk about my dick in front of Violet. Makes her uncomfortable.
00:51He said big things, not tiny disease ridden things.
00:53Not morning people I see, but I'm glad you're here because guess what I got?
00:57Magic sandals.
00:58What? No, I'm not.
01:00Is it a dog? Did you get us all a little dog for like the little office dog?
01:05No, please stop guessing.
01:07Is it Ninja Stars?
01:08So after we got banned from selling Crime City 7, I thought we were finished.
01:12But then I found these.
01:21Arcades!
01:22For passive income!
01:23Wow!
01:24Those are so fucking cool.
01:27Really?
01:27No.
01:28Go!
01:38Go!
01:41Go!
01:47Go!
01:50Go!
01:51Go!
01:55why would you be excited about this trash game hey they're not trash okay yeah i did find them
02:03on the side of the road but ah the side of the road nature's treasure trope you know my mom
02:07wouldn't buy me a queen-size bed because she said give me an ego but then the street provider you
02:12sleep on a street mattress dude that probably has bed bugs oh it definitely has bed bugs don't worry
02:18don't worry i'm immune my doctor said that i have weird blood so even the bugs hate it why aren't
02:24we more hyped about this i mean this is like a sign from the universe no it was a sign
02:28from sanitation
02:28that it's fucking trash day idiot okay what makes it special uh your extra chromosomes no our
02:34appreciation for the good old days of gaming og consoles old school games that's why i decided
02:41to make game bros retro why would anyone want to play these two-bit dumpster fires when you can play
02:45fps and headshot fuckers with an mtz 556 hold on it says here there's a capacitor problem with these
02:52arcade machines leading to a screen malfunction which caused seizures in some individuals that's
02:57pretty cool zach you should play one that's not a thing you can't believe everything you read on the
03:01news jake these are discontinued even better we're the only ones that have it exclusively retro that's
03:06one way to look at it well if we're going retro then why isn't violet in the kitchen making us
03:10sandwiches erin can you do something i would like a cheese sandwich exactly just when you get a
03:15chance a lot of cheese stop in and out and out through the mouth
03:25feel the air flow into your lungs
03:31and let your muscles
03:35hey hunter
03:39you ready for vegas baby i'm not going to vegas am i why would i be going to vegas
03:44because you're about to get a chunk of money we're about to blow it and by blow it i mean
03:49cocaine
03:51sing it with me go on drugs and hookers drugs drugs dude i don't know what you're talking about i
03:57talked
03:58to bruno deal's done man no the deal is not done i told bruno we're not selling i hate to
04:03break it to
04:03you brosif but that is not what bruno thinks did you shake hands
04:11why are you so upset man this is what you wanted i absolutely did not want to be in a
04:17deal with the
04:17albanian mob and i don't want to sell anymore bruno is on his way to you i am working in
04:23here do i
04:24interrupt you when you're fucking the gardener sir i gotta go
04:31feel the air
04:32breathe in
04:33flow into your lungs
04:36and out
04:37let your muscles
04:38relax
04:42big move
04:43oh god
04:44lazy
04:45i'm night shamala
04:47never plot twist
04:48if that means i've been dead all along it would be the best news in weeks
04:52oh poor baby
04:54oh god
04:55you're making me feel so maternal
04:58mama's gonna help you and i'm gonna give you some motherly advice pro bono
05:05everyone everywhere is trying to steal from you
05:10always
05:11that's not true
05:12it's not
05:15that that's my credit card i lost this last week
05:19no i stole it last week
05:24you know
05:25once we get these bad boys up and running we're gonna be drowning in quarters
05:30anything
05:30nope
05:33you know
05:33you know someone who's pretty good at this thing is lance
05:37i don't need help i i watch six youtube videos so
05:41well if you change your mind he would come by to help you
05:44no thank you got this
05:45it's easy just need to
05:47ow
05:49i'm stuck
05:50violet i'm stuck i'm stuck
05:51calling lance
05:51i don't need lance
05:55see
05:57got out of there
06:02i'll just explain to him that it's just one big misunderstanding and he'll totally get that right
06:06not likely
06:07well i never signed anything so he can't force a sale
06:10uh he can
06:11okay i'll just call the cops
06:12snitches get snitches
06:13okay well how about you help me come up with some ideas then
06:16i could get you like a completely new identity i actually have a few ready to go
06:20how do you feel about the name diane
06:22next idea
06:23have you considered murder
06:26i don't know what to tell you those are my best two ideas
06:30elliot there's some npc here for you
06:31yeah bring him back
06:33do i look like your fucking secretary
06:35do it yourself
06:36oh my god druno
06:38whoa enemy dropping in the ao
06:39i told you to wait your ass out there
06:41erin it's it's okay thanks um you're dismissed
06:46bruno just the guy i wanted to see can i get you a drink
06:49i have uh water
06:52so uh funny
06:54i don't think we're on the same page you see uh we don't have a deal i've decided we're not
06:59gonna sell the store
07:00yes you are
07:01we have handshake
07:03and the only thing able to remove albanian hand agreement is albanian head removal
07:08what i mean huh
07:10what bruno
07:11why do you even want this shithole
07:13bruno will level with you
07:14my family want this place to launder money
07:17oh
07:18you could not have picked a better place
07:20i mean there is literally zero
07:22traffic physically
07:23no sales and
07:25history of incompetent management
07:26my family want to use game bro for illegitimate business
07:31but but bruno want to use it for legitimate business
07:36i love video games
07:38huh
07:38shooters
07:39stabbers
07:40cutesy farm simulators
07:43all of it
07:43i i have dream to own game store
07:46no don't
07:47don't
07:47oh
07:48don't
07:49bruno
07:50don't do this to me and my brother it's our dream mostly his dream but also kind of mine too
07:56now so if you get your dream we lose ours
08:04okay i'm okay with this i want my dream and not yours yes
08:09no
08:10no
08:10fuck fuck
08:10no
08:11oh
08:12no
08:13oh
08:14i guess that's just the way it is
08:16huh
08:17well
08:17can you let me break it to my brother please
08:19that is acceptable
08:20you have one hour
08:22whoa
08:22that's
08:23that's not enough time
08:24he's uh
08:25i need to break it to him gently
08:26he's very sensitive
08:27i will be here until it is finished
08:29i just uh
08:30can't really have you hanging around the store
08:32then we uh
08:33should start
08:34the albanian head removal process
08:36yes
08:36ah
08:37fine
08:38that won't be necessary
08:39i will be new intern
08:41i will pretend i am here to learn how to game bro
08:44when silently i am shaking you down
08:46your employees will teach me everything i need to know and then i will fire them
08:49american dream no
08:51yeah
08:51i mean i'm not really sure how the team will write a story
08:54okay
08:55that's another handshake
08:56oh my god
08:58the albanian american international employee cultural exchange
09:03i buy it
09:04i've watched enough shows on tlc to pretty much believe anything
09:07don't we have to send someone to albania
09:09i am not taking any questions right now
09:12look
09:13he just needs to learn how to work here so he can show his family how to open up a
09:16store similar to this one
09:17yes
09:18very similar to this exact store
09:21or he can squad up with zach
09:23i don't like his accent
09:25sounds russian
09:26and after the mw2 airport massacre i trust no russian
09:30happy to oblige you came at the right time my friend black friday's right around the corner and we got
09:36us to learn
09:37oh we all have this holiday in our country also uh how many witches will we burn
09:43we will start with this one big joker this guy bruno please don't burn anyone and as for the rest
09:52of you get back to work enjoy your jobs you never know how long you laugh
09:59i don't like you
10:01i don't like you
10:27i don't like you're gonna be a soda fresh meat bitch fresh meat boy you are actually an intern right
10:32yes i will go fit soda for sickly child
10:38look at us
10:39look at us hazing the new guy what should we do next uh should we should we spank his little
10:43butt
10:44what
10:48these things wouldn't get turned on if your mom was sitting on their face
10:51so you're calling my mom hot
10:53what no
10:53no
10:54you just basically said nothing could turn these things on
10:57even my mom sitting on their face
10:59oh my god uninstall
11:02jakey boy
11:03v said you needed my help with this or
11:05uh no
11:06don't don't know why she calls you i have everything under control
11:09dude these are some sick cabbies muchacho
11:12i haven't seen mrs muncher in years
11:13dude if you get this up and running you're drowning in quarters
11:16yeah that's what i said
11:17dope i mean must be why v likes you so much you're a reminder of me
11:21so uh you been inside her yet
11:23what no
11:24no we're just friends
11:26she's an employee
11:27dude i'm talking about the machines
11:29oh my gosh
11:30that is sick though you can manage to be v's friend
11:32dude i could never be friends with a chick that hot
11:34look lance i'm sorry you came all the way down here for nothing but seriously i i already figured it
11:39all out i was just getting ready to plug it in now
11:41so
11:46oh
11:47everything turned off
11:49why are the lights off
11:50do you want to play weird as my finger
11:54hey hey hey
11:58aww cock blocked by a robust power grid
12:02oh hey um question while you're down here
12:05when bruno comes on
12:07do you think that he'll be cool with me going in on this money laundering thing
12:11because let me tell you what
12:13i have come into some money recently
12:14and it is dirty
12:16stop stop just stop can you just actually go you are the opposite of helpful and some of the things
12:23that you have said are very concerning
12:24you fight for your rights sweetie
12:28thanks for helping
12:29oh dude no sweat i love these things takes me back
12:32i mean anytime someone would have like a birthday party at a bowling alley or whatever i would just park
12:36my ass in the arcade
12:37honestly same
12:38favorite arcade game ever on three
12:40one two three
12:42it's a tie
12:43between time crisis 2 and marvel vs. capcom 2
12:46dude no way
12:47are we best friends
12:48i wouldn't go that far
12:50i mean that was crazy but um
12:53i guess you're not so bad
12:54dude you gotta come party with me and my boys this weekend
12:56my homie chaz
12:57loaded
12:58he's got all this banned liquor and a golden toilet you can throw up in
13:01uh yeah
13:02i'll uh i'll think about it
13:04i mean
13:04he kind of like needs a head count
13:06so
13:10yeah i've been on 13 tours
13:13and had over a hundred thousand confirmed kills
13:15what's your kd
13:16he's very impressive
13:18i have killed nine people and died zero times
13:21zero deaths
13:22bro you're a fucking beast
13:24um what are you doing
13:26this is skill-based matchmaking
13:28you don't belong in this lobby
13:30booty
13:31we will rig quarter machine to give two quarters per dollar
13:35then when they complain we say machine gave quarters
13:38did not say how many
13:40headshot biatch
13:42jake's not gonna go for that
13:44it's not jake's choice
13:45what do you mean by that
13:46bruno what are you doing get over here now
13:51picking call me i must continue intern ruse
13:57you did just hear him say ruse and that really weird thing about jake right
14:00you are like playstation ai in the chat
14:03no one wants you here
14:05fucking leave
14:09i've done all i can this thing is fucked speaking of fucked i'm taking violet to get a smash burger
14:15you want to join
14:16uh and i'm i'm not hungry thanks
14:18okay see you at chaz's later i'll hit you up
14:20hey babe let's go smash
14:25hey bro
14:27got a sec
14:28oh wait okay you know violet's lame boyfriend he might not actually be lame and i think we might be
14:32friends
14:33that'll make it a little difficult for you to cuck him
14:36i would not portray somebody that i care about some heartless jerk
14:41yeah good guy
14:42so what'd you want to tell me
14:44um
14:46i'm
14:47hungry
14:48oh great let's get some smash burgers
14:51oh no no you don't have to do anything
14:53you you at all actually
14:55no i know hey no onions i got you man
14:57no jake you don't have to do that
15:01jake
15:07have you betrayed your game brother yet
15:11any minute he just needed to eat
15:13don't want to break his heart on an empty stomach you know
15:16but soon very soon
15:18soon is good
15:20bruno is patient man
15:28but bruno
15:30is also not
15:33patient man
15:41what the fuck
15:51are you crying
15:53no
15:53just onions on the burger
15:56there are no onions on that burger
15:58i know
15:59it's so good to me
16:02okay i don't really have the capacity for emotion elliot
16:05seriously who is that new guy
16:07he's just the new intern okay very legit
16:09okay sure i'm just gonna go ask jake
16:11no no no don't
16:12okay okay i'll tell you
16:15i accidentally sold the store to the albanian mom
16:18what
16:18it was a misunderstanding and i tried to stop it but it's the literal mafia and i've lost
16:23control of the situation
16:26that's the truth
16:27and i haven't told jake yet
16:30wow
16:31yeah
16:32i'm fucked
16:33i'm fucking fucked
16:35yeah
16:36that's a lot
16:39actually i'm just gonna let you deal with that and i'm probably gonna just pretend like i
16:44don't know that information
16:51witch looks pissed you should burn her before black friday
16:56listen bruno about the whole albanian handshake thing
16:59not now
17:00i am on very big intern quest
17:02do you know where i find the sneezard
17:05snizzard
17:05i need to find this sneezard and bring to pig king or else i don't become real game bro
17:10zach is messing with you there's no such thing as a snizzard
17:14it's like a made-up creature
17:16it's like a prank
17:17do you know what a prank is
17:18pig king lied to me
17:20yeah
17:20i'll
17:21i'll talk to him
17:22he made me look like an idiot
17:24childhood
17:24you know
17:25wish i could go back
17:26are you done talking
17:27because i called in an airstrike in the bathroom
17:29go clean it up
17:31that's bruno's job now
17:32yeah
17:33i'm not the bottom anymore
17:35i'm the power bottom
17:37well then i guess bruno should go clean up all this shit from my power bottom
17:41no
17:41whoa
17:42turn off cold-blooded you fucking creep
17:45no
17:45no
17:47maybe i didn't make myself clear
17:49you were clear
17:50i found the sneezard
17:52what
17:52you did
17:53the little
17:54well like
17:55lizard
17:56with the this
17:57the wings and the little
17:58the little penis
17:59i found it
18:02what the fuck is the snizzard
18:05in our dungeon
18:06i mean it's a crawl space
18:08but uh in my mind it's a dungeon
18:09and that's where sassy little boys go
18:11uh so you don't want to end up down there
18:13so if i were you i'd clean the bathroom
18:17snizzard is there
18:19oh
18:19go
18:19i don't need to
18:21why are you touching me
18:22yeah yeah i'll go down
18:23because i want to
18:25my body
18:26my choice
18:28no snizzard so
18:29this is good
18:30say hello to snizzard
18:31no no no no
18:32no one's gonna hear me
18:33it's soundproof here
18:34no
18:34now you are sassy little boy in dungeon
18:38no more lies
18:39stop
18:40guess this is what my ancestors went through
18:46uh who the hell are you
18:47that's a new intern
18:48he's got a big fat kd
18:50bruno is not intern
18:51i am boss
18:53this is my store
18:54whoa bruno
18:55man eager beaver over here
18:58am i right guys
18:59oh man
19:00i smell a promotion
19:03just tell him
19:04jake
19:05he owns the store now
19:06elliot got in over his head
19:08and sold him the store
19:09what
19:09holy shit
19:11we're spawn swapping
19:15i fucked it
19:16um in his defense
19:18he was actually trying
19:20to fuck you over
19:21with someone legit
19:22he didn't mean
19:23to ruin your life
19:25with the albanian mafia
19:25yeah how was that
19:26in my defense
19:27i knew you were a spy
19:30never forget
19:33no
19:33rush it
19:35yeah
19:35no
19:37i say no to you
19:38i don't care
19:40you're mafia
19:42not for sale
19:43baby baby
19:43i see what you're doing
19:44i would hold off
19:45on the big dick energy
19:46until you've heard the alternative
19:48because it is beheaded
19:49it is dundee
19:51this is mine
19:53and that
19:54and that
19:58you betrayed me
19:59game bro
20:00slaughtered your dream
20:02to make way for mine
20:03so now
20:04so now
20:05your dream
20:06is my dream
20:08and so is this
20:09and that
20:11and this is mine
20:13can i go along with it
20:14it's mine
20:16everything was going so well
20:19we had the whole retro thing
20:20going for us
20:21i made a friend today
20:22this is mine
20:23i was supposed to puke in
20:25the gold toilet at chas's house
20:27wait you know chas
20:28this is mine
20:30this is mine
20:33you have to do something
20:34stop him
20:35dude
20:35i've tried
20:37there's nothing
20:39oh
20:40that's gonna buck his kd
20:42well that'll work
20:42holy shit
20:43the gang gave him a seizure
20:48jake wait
20:51come on
20:53oh
20:55jake
20:59jake
21:01jake
21:02what do you want to do
21:03you want to fight me
21:05i i won't fight back
21:06you can just have at it
21:07yes elliot
21:07i want to beat the shit out of you
21:09okay
21:09but every time i turn to my little brother in his place
21:12being a dick
21:13somehow i get in trouble
21:14or i get hurt
21:15well it's because you fight like a toddler
21:16i don't care
21:17okay
21:17look
21:18i thought this was gonna bring us closer
21:20i know
21:20i get it
21:21i suck
21:21i'm a terrible brother
21:22i know i should have told you about this
21:24and that was stupid
21:25but
21:25i really thought we could make this work
21:27we still can
21:28i'm not giving up
21:30ahem
21:31if you two are done giving each other blumpkins
21:33you should get your asses in here
21:35you're never gonna believe this shit
21:37oh no no
21:38pobrecito
21:39no es cierto muchacho
21:41es una tonterĂa
21:42si soy un chico tonto
21:46he woke up speaking spanish
21:47and remembers nothing
21:49why am i not surprised that lacy speaks spanish
21:51she told him he was a customer who passed out in our store
21:53and we've never met him
21:55bro you called in a fucking nuke with that trash arcade
21:59it's a fucking sign dude
22:00a good one
22:01aren't you glad i work here
22:02you don't work here
22:04fuck yes
22:05top of the leaderboard
22:10whoo
22:11hey cha biatch
22:14nena hermosa tienes un queso
22:16mmm si
22:25what the fuck is that
22:28no
22:29no
22:30no
22:31no
22:32die
22:34die
22:35die
22:36die
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