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The Office US S09E19 Stairmageddon Cut 1 H 264
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00:00.
00:13Thanks.
00:14Oh.
00:15No.
00:16Why can't he start the work when we're already upstairs?
00:22T-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t.
00:24What the hell?
00:26No.
00:27This is not happening.
00:28Didn't you get the memo?
00:29It's Stairmageddon.
00:30Come on, Stanley.
00:32Dwight is having maintenance done on the elevator today,
00:35and he was really on top of it.
00:36Weeks ago, he started the Stairmageddon Awareness Campaign.
00:39The idea was to get us prepared, both mentally and physically,
00:44for a day that hopefully comes once in 100 years.
00:47It's a-mageddon.
00:50Come on.
00:52Come on, Stanley.
00:53Stay in it.
00:54I put 17 damn years into this company,
00:57and now they're making me climb Stairm Mountain.
01:00Come on.
01:01Our office has an unusually large number of unusually large people.
01:06This is an abomination.
01:09Come on, you got this.
01:10So when something as routine as elevator maintenance happens,
01:12and people are forced to expend cardiovascular effort,
01:16we have to compare it to the end of time.
01:30So we're still good for 5.30, right?
01:32Yeah.
01:33I told you that.
01:34Have you guys seen the website that has the cats wearing all kinds of different holiday themes?
01:48Nothing's changed.
01:49I'll be there.
01:50Okay.
01:51I promise.
01:51No, sometime you have to take an emergency conference call from Philly, so I'm just...
01:57...making sure.
01:58You have my word.
02:00Okay.
02:01Red alert!
02:02Red alert!
02:03The reviews are in.
02:04I repeat, the reviews are in.
02:06What?
02:06I just got a text from my brother.
02:09ScrantonTimesTribune.com.
02:10There's a review of the documentary.
02:11What does it say?
02:12I don't know, Phyllis.
02:13I just got the text and started screaming red alert.
02:16Well, the alert was already set to red because of Stairmageddon.
02:19You think I should set it to double red?
02:20I think we should.
02:25The Office, an American workplace airing on PBS next month is a documentary following
02:30the employees of Scranton's own Dunder Mifflin Paper Company.
02:35In the theater world, there's the great tradition of going to Sardi's and drinking until the reviews
02:41come in.
02:43My Sardi's has been the men's room.
02:46And let's just say, instead of liquid entering my mouth, it's been the opposite.
02:51Doing the opposite out of my opposite.
02:54In the series, which will air starting in May, we get an in-depth look at many interesting local
03:01people.
03:02There's Kevin Malone, the Falstaffian accountant whose appetite far exceeds his aptitude.
03:09Wait.
03:11Falstaffian?
03:11That's from Shakespeare.
03:12Got it.
03:13And aptitude.
03:15Meredith Palmer, whose poor choices may make early feminists wonder why they bothered.
03:22See?
03:22I make them think.
03:24Dwight Schrute, the head salesman, forever chasing a manager position he will never get.
03:30What does Josh McAuliffe know about the paper business?
03:33He works for a news thing.
03:36Andy Bernard, the rudderless trust fund child slash middle manager whose incompetence
03:44is emblematic of a declining American economy.
03:47Ouch.
03:48Sorry, Andy.
03:49That's...
03:49Yep, yep.
03:51It's okay.
03:53He's a critic, right?
03:55I mean, those who can't do, criticize.
03:57What the hell does he know?
03:58Plus, he said I'm emblematic of America, so I'll take that.
04:01Well, a possible explanation for his lack of career focus is his surprising musical talent.
04:08I want you to print that out for me.
04:10I will.
04:10Now that this documentary is coming out, my days at Dunder Mifflin are probably limited,
04:15and you know what?
04:17Good, because this is not what I wanted to do with my life.
04:21I wanted to be my generation's Lisa Loeb.
04:24Though it mostly focuses on the daily realities of office life,
04:27a lurid subplot reveals the hypocrisy of a local public figure,
04:31embroiled in a gay affair while preaching family values.
04:35Oh, which public figure?
04:38I bet it's Katie Couric. I've been saying this for years.
04:41No, I think they mean more like a politician.
04:46I'm very worried for Robert.
04:49They have his kissing on tape, which means he's kissing his political career goodbye.
04:55At least he doesn't have to pretend to love Angela anymore.
04:58Of all the beards a man can have, that has got to be one of the itchiest.
05:09You own the building.
05:11Why can't you fix the elevator in the middle of the night?
05:13Who do I look like, Jackie Joy and the Percy?
05:16Well, I did say it would be an inconvenience.
05:19And you should have called me from downstairs.
05:21We could have met in the lobby.
05:22It's time to go out on a sail.
05:24Here we go.
05:24Son, you lost your mind.
05:25I'm not going anywhere until you fix my elevator.
05:28The buyer is your sister's friend.
05:30This is the printing paper for the entire school district of Lackawanna.
05:34You are coming, and that's an order.
05:36You are not my damn boss, and you never will be.
05:39Guess what? Never gonna happen.
05:42Pete, iced tea, three sugars, five creams.
05:46Your morning three by five. Coming right up.
05:51Well, we won't be late. I love you, Mum. Thanks.
05:55Oh, your Mum's watching the kiss tonight. So what are you two up to?
05:59Oh, um, embassy suites, do not disturb sign on the door.
06:03Mummy and Dad here on the floor.
06:04I wish. What then?
06:08Oh, nothing that exciting.
06:17Marriage counselling.
06:19You know, that is the only kind of counselling I have never had.
06:24You know, Jim's kind of nervous about it, but I think it could really help.
06:28And we're having issues that can't hurt to talk about them, right?
06:37Hey, Toby, um, I wanted to ask you a question, but...
06:40Oh, sure.
06:41It's a little, uh, personal.
06:43Let's do it. Let's get personal.
06:45I wanted to talk to you about your divorce.
06:47Whoa.
06:48Sorry, I, no, no, no, what I meant.
06:51What I meant, actually, was...
06:52Oh, yeah, that's okay. I can handle it.
06:54Uh, so, you guys obviously went through some tough times leading up to us.
06:59Okay.
07:01I was wondering if you ever did any couples counselling?
07:04Oh, sure. Lots of times, yeah.
07:07Wait, you and Pam aren't in couples counselling, are you?
07:11Oh, God.
07:12No, no, no, no, no, uh, we're just starting couples counselling.
07:17Uh, which doesn't sound any better.
07:22Even you guys.
07:24Kelly called it 2013.
07:27Hey, hey, hey, no, no, get out of here.
07:31Clark, get out of here.
07:32My mistake.
07:32Yes, it is your mistake.
07:34He's lingering.
07:35He's so annoying.
07:39How can I help him here?
07:40That's all right.
07:42Hello, William Morris Agency.
07:44I need to speak with your best agent who represents
07:46your biggest stars.
07:47Yes, I'll hold.
07:50I'm sorry.
07:51I misunderstood.
07:52Goodbye.
07:55When you're in a play, you get a review of your performance.
07:58When you're in a documentary,
08:00it's like getting a review of yourself.
08:02And I've been getting some pretty bad reviews lately from Aaron and Wallace.
08:07Big thumbs down from my dad.
08:10I could really use some kind words.
08:13And I think they might come from someone who's never met me.
08:22Thank you, Stan.
08:25Oh, honey.
08:28Look, I just want our life to get back to normal.
08:31Ribbon cuttings, charity balls, VIP treatment at the county fairs.
08:36Don't worry.
08:36I've scheduled a press conference for later today.
08:38We just need to face the cameras together.
08:41A beloved public servant and his devoted wife.
08:44And move on.
08:46All right.
08:47If I have to be the good wife, I'll be the best damn wife there is.
08:50Correction, best darn wife.
08:53Sorry, I'm a better wife than that.
08:58This documentary coming out is putting me on this trajectory to stardom
09:02that I can't say I'm altogether prepared for.
09:05I just have to...
09:08I'm in the newspaper.
09:11And who knows what's next.
09:15This is just happening really fast.
09:17Daryl, you're in luck.
09:20I want to cut your firm in on the Andy Bernard business.
09:23I want to be repped by athleed.
09:25Oh, sorry, man.
09:26We only represent athletes.
09:28That's what the athle stands for.
09:32Wow.
09:33Mm-hmm.
09:34So you just take people who are already famous and wealthy
09:36and make them more famous and wealthy.
09:38That's the idea.
09:40Isn't that like shooting fish in a barrel?
09:42You know, we have a board meeting tomorrow.
09:44I can't make any promises, but I'm pretty sure I won't bring it up.
09:48I'm just going to say this.
09:50Uh-huh.
09:50You can do with it whatever you want.
09:51Of course.
09:51On my acting resume under special skills.
09:54Yeah.
09:55Fencing and tetherball.
09:57Mm.
09:57Those are sports.
09:58So just think about it.
10:00No, I'm going to write that down.
10:02Cool.
10:03Let's see.
10:08Andy, I need to talk to you.
10:09Yeah, come on in.
10:11I'm just on hold with another talent agency.
10:13It's insane.
10:14This promo with me playing banjo has 250 views already.
10:17And every time I click, there's more.
10:20251, 252.
10:21I can't even keep up.
10:22Stanley is refusing to go out on a sales call.
10:26I hate people.
10:28Why do they never do what you need them to do?
10:30Stanley has to go.
10:30That's final.
10:31So what I'm hearing you say is make Stanley go out on the sales call by whatever means possible?
10:35Yes!
10:37I'm sorry.
10:38I'm being curt.
10:38It's just I'm about to land a top talent agent.
10:41Mm-hmm.
10:42Good luck.
10:44Directory.
10:46Movie star department.
10:49Back.
10:51Directory.
10:52For five years, I've held my instincts in check because I wanted to be made manager.
10:57Maybe it's time for me to just let that thought go.
11:01It's kind of painful, but it's also freeing in a way.
11:05Now it's all about my instincts.
11:12Hey, Dwight.
11:13Stanley.
11:15One way or another, you are going to come with me to make this sale.
11:18Pass.
11:19Hey, can you just let me out of here before whatever comes next?
11:22Don't worry. It's just a bull tranquilizer.
11:24Nothing to be alarmed about.
11:25It's just a man pointing a bull tranquilizer at a co-worker.
11:28Dwight, you do not learn, do you?
11:31For a threat to be credible, you have...
11:34Holy .
11:36No, you didn't.
11:37I'm sick of you and your...
11:39Oh!
11:46It's all right. Andy approved it.
11:51Man, he's really in twinkle town now.
11:54Is he gonna be okay?
11:56I mean, weren't those darts intended for an animal like
11:58two to three times larger than him?
12:01Okay, this dosage was meant for a very small bull.
12:04And Stanley's got way more body fat than they do.
12:06You gave him three shots.
12:07Shh.
12:09Got about 45 minutes to get him to the client before he comes to.
12:13Grab his feet.
12:17Let's go.
12:18All right.
12:18Move it.
12:19One, two, three.
12:22Looks like a manatee.
12:24Ready?
12:25Let's go again.
12:26Come on.
12:27We can do this.
12:28One, two, three.
12:31Oh, God.
12:33No wonder my elevator cables are under such strain.
12:36We gotta get a wheelbarrow or something.
12:38Yes.
12:41Okay, we're good.
12:43We're good.
12:44Let's go.
12:47Push.
12:48I am.
12:51Any big weekend plans?
12:52I might see a movie.
12:54Nice.
12:54What about you?
12:55Uh, I don't know yet.
12:57Just go right to the top of the stairs, okay?
13:01And then what?
13:03Okay, listen.
13:05I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this, but I've never actually done this before.
13:11Well, if I may, you're the natural.
13:15I mean, I've rehearsed it in my head like a thousand times, but, uh, it's a little weird.
13:20I know.
13:21Evil Knievel.
13:31That's about as good as that's gonna be.
13:33Okay, now here's the plan.
13:35I'm gonna launch him.
13:36I need you to go down to the bottom and catch him.
13:38Catch?
13:38Yeah.
13:39I can't catch him.
13:40He's like 250 pounds.
13:41Use your hands and just blunt his descent, okay?
13:44He's gonna be moving slowly.
13:45Blunt?
13:45It's 15 feet down.
13:47It's at a 45 degree angle.
13:48Get set in your haunches.
13:50It's like you're catching a medicine.
13:51The size of my lunch is...
13:56Okay.
13:57Good call.
13:58He would have put a hole in your chest, same as he put a hole in that wall.
14:01We should probably call a doctor or something, dude.
14:09You okay?
14:10So, how does it work?
14:12Is it like, you know, the action of talking to a third party breaks up the logjam, or...?
14:16You're really there to talk to each other.
14:18I'd say that the therapist is more of a facilitator.
14:23He might start by asking each of you, why do you think you're here?
14:27He took this job in Philly without telling me.
14:30He bought our house without telling me.
14:32At a certain point, he shouldn't be rewarded for that.
14:35If I didn't do certain things without telling Pam, she'd be married to Roy.
14:43I feel like he's always making these decisions for the family, and then I'm left playing catch up.
14:48If she can just hang on for a little while longer, this will be so huge for our family.
14:53Well, what's a little what?
14:56What do you mean?
14:57I mean, what's the end date?
15:00I mean, it must be really hard for her to sign on to be unhappy if she doesn't know when
15:04it's going to end.
15:05That's kind of an impossible question.
15:13Oh, guys, it's starting. Hurry!
15:17Oh, there's Angela.
15:20I work with her.
15:22Yeah. I mean, I'm happy Angela's the first one getting famous, but that's a little weird, no?
15:29I mean, she can't sing or act, so it's actually kind of insane if you think about it.
15:34Her hair looks beautiful.
15:35Yeah, we get it, Phyllis. She looks like a freaking movie star.
15:40Andy!
15:41I would just like to start by saying there have been some rumors about my personal life,
15:48that I would like to settle once and for all, as my long-suffering wife can attest.
15:56I am gay.
15:59Senator, were you always gay or did your wife turn you gay?
16:02Question for the senator's beard.
16:04Aren't married couples supposed to grow together?
16:07Yes, we're supposed to grow together. One of them's not supposed to turn into a completely different person.
16:14I haven't changed. I was never happy just selling paper.
16:19You know, Pam's whole thing is, why would you change what's working?
16:22But I don't think she wants to change anything.
16:24I was okay with the job when he said he could work from Scranton.
16:29And then he needs part-time in Philly.
16:31Now we're lucky if we see him once a week.
16:34I've put everything into this. Everything.
16:38I mean, this hasn't been easy, but I'm willing to make the sacrifice for us.
16:41You want to know what my dream is?
16:43To have a fun day at work with my husband and then go home and have dinner with our kids.
16:48It's pretty simple.
16:51I'll say it again for mis amigos Latinos.
16:55Yo soy homosexual.
16:56Poor Angela.
16:58Yeah, poor Angela.
17:01I once believed that a gay person could be somewhat straight.
17:04It wasn't until my marriage to Angela that I realized how charmless I find a female body.
17:14Ooh, always hurts to hear that one.
17:16There's someone else I need to thank.
17:19His name is Oscar Martinez.
17:22Come on.
17:23Come on.
17:24Now, Oscar is the one who opened my eyes to who I really am.
17:29Oscar is with the senator too?
17:31Yes.
17:32And I knew it the whole time.
17:35I kept a secret.
17:36I kept a secret so good.
17:39You didn't know, you didn't know, you didn't freaking know.
17:44But I knew.
17:46He knew.
17:46Yes.
17:47We did it.
17:48You did it, Kevin.
17:49Yes.
17:51Oh, I did it.
17:54Oh, I did it.
17:56With new self-awareness, I was finally able to find love at long last with my amazing
18:05Chief of Staff Wesley Silver.
18:08What?
18:09Wesley Silver is gay?
18:12Oscar and I did not see that coming.
18:18Make a nice couple.
18:23Almost there.
18:24Almost there.
18:27Okay, we're running late.
18:29Let's get him inside.
18:30We can't just leave him bubble wrap like this.
18:32Are you kidding me?
18:33The bubble wrap is the only thing that's stopping his suit from getting wrinkled.
18:36These meetings are all about presentation.
18:39That's actually really smart.
18:42God, if only there was any other use or situation for that kind of knowledge.
18:46Let's get him inside.
18:49Shotgun.
18:52All right.
18:54Senator Lipton, what effect will this have on your family arrangement?
18:57Will you and Mrs. Lipton continue living together?
19:00Of course.
19:01As you know, Robert and I have a young child.
19:03I'll be moving in with Wesley.
19:05What?
19:06We need to know who we are as a couple.
19:08Robert, we never discuss this.
19:10Will you take this opportunity to promote change in the Republican Party with respect
19:14to their stance on gay marriage?
19:16No, I'll just be switching to the Democratic Party.
19:22Wait, wait, wait, how are we doing this?
19:25Well, I'll grab the forelegs and you push his hindquarters.
19:28Just say arms and legs, okay?
19:30That's just, that's the vernacular that I'm comfortable with.
19:33Fine, let's go.
19:35Hoist his shank.
19:36On three.
19:37What's a shank?
19:38It's by the tenderloin.
19:39Roll him, roll him, roll him.
19:41Good, good.
19:42Okay, careful.
19:43He's slouching.
19:44Okay, can you slouch him into the seat?
19:47Here, here, go around.
19:49Get the seatbelt.
19:49All right.
19:53Got it?
19:54Yep, yep.
20:00Get in the back.
20:01What?
20:02Get in the back.
20:03Oh, come on.
20:05Get in.
20:05Damn it.
20:14Carla Fern is not just an actor's agent.
20:16She does writers, directors, travel, and real estate.
20:19Which is perfect for me because I change what I want to do like six times a year.
20:26Actor?
20:27Oh, no.
20:29Well, I have an act.
20:30Dog, cat, mouse.
20:32Yeah, wow.
20:33Cool.
20:35Is it hard to train them to do that?
20:38You go through a lot of mice.
20:40It started by accident, actually, as these things tend to do.
20:42You know, I was setting it up with my cat and I accidentally put her on top of my dog.
20:45And I was like so mad at myself at first.
20:47And I was like, wait.
20:49Wait a second.
20:52Does anything go on top of the mouse?
20:54Yeah.
20:55Little hat.
20:56Oh, that's cute.
20:58What's the mouse's name?
20:59Uh, you know, it really doesn't make sense the name of the mice.
21:05They're kind of like cannon fodder, you know?
21:07You don't want those PETA guys, are you?
21:11Well, great.
21:13I guess my realistic dream is to do a horse, dog, cat, mouse.
21:16You know, all four, like in a column.
21:18And then sometimes, I don't know how this sounds, but, uh,
21:20I kind of imagine doing all four of those with a piece of cheese on top of the mouse's hat.
21:24You know, I mean, you wouldn't think the cheese is the hardest part, but
21:28all four of them, they really love cheese.
21:31Okay, Stanley, do you understand what we're about to do?
21:35Hello.
21:35Okay, there's no way there.
21:37Hey, hey, listen, listen.
21:39We are going to go discuss paper contracts for City of Lackawanna Public Schools, okay?
21:46Pigeons.
21:47Oh, God, this is bad.
21:49Looks like we've got no choice.
21:51You, my friend, are going to have to be Stanley Hudson.
21:56Visit the client like best friends with his sister?
22:00New plan, okay?
22:02We get him a cup of coffee and we go back to the old plan.
22:04Let's go.
22:05Give me a hand.
22:06Here we go.
22:07Come on, Stanley.
22:08Here we go.
22:08Oopsie doozy.
22:09There we go.
22:10Okay.
22:11All right.
22:12Come on, big guy.
22:13You can walk, right?
22:15Yeah.
22:15What a pretty smile.
22:16Let's go.
22:17I'm sure Athlete will be a huge success, but I don't want him to do it anymore,
22:23and I don't want to give him an ultimatum, but I am not moving our family to Philly.
22:27Well, if Pam says she won't go, then we're going to need a lot more than counseling.
22:35That was exhausting.
22:39Jim.
22:40Well, they deserve each other.
22:42They do.
22:42That they do.
22:43That is for sure.
22:44That they do.
22:52Oh, whoopsie daisy.
22:54There it goes.
22:56For your day-to-day use, we offer 100% recycled paper made completely out of post-consumer waste.
23:02Oh, that bunny's got clothes on.
23:04Oh, yeah.
23:05Stanley, what is going on here?
23:06He's fine.
23:07He gets car sick really easily.
23:09Drive.
23:09Long drive.
23:10He was in the back seat.
23:12But right now, we're talking to Mrs. Davis about the full range of the products that we offer
23:15and our competitive rates.
23:17Right, Stanley?
23:20Look at that baby.
23:22Stanley.
23:27That's Benji in the middle.
23:28That's Benji.
23:29Oh, he's precious.
23:32That's a healthy-looking baby.
23:34Very special little boy.
23:35Ooh.
23:36Look at him.
23:37I've never seen such a beautiful child.
23:39Funny sense of humor.
23:40If you push his nose, he'll go.
23:42Like that?
23:43What?
23:44Like a beautiful family.
23:50Right?
23:51Come on.
23:53Yeah, maybe I'll never be manager.
23:55But I just managed to get our most stubborn salesman to close a sale with one of our biggest clients.
24:02And I must say, it's the most pleasant I've ever seen, Stanley.
24:05I think we should consider injecting him with Bull Tranquilizer on a daily basis.
24:08So, what can you do?
24:12Well, what can't I do?
24:14Right?
24:15I can sing.
24:17I can dance.
24:18I can play the banjo in it.
24:20And if you haven't noticed, I've got a pretty good British accent.
24:25Can you drive a car?
24:26At the risk of sounding arrogant, I did drive myself here.
24:30Why do you have a high school musical here on your resume?
24:34What are you, like 40, 45?
24:36My exact age is 28 to 34, so basically just send me out on whatever Jake Gyllenhaal's going out on.
24:43Gyllenhaal, got it.
24:45Can you juggle and crap?
24:48Yes.
24:49And yes.
24:51Would you dress up as, say, a birthday clown and go to a kid's party and let him throw pies
24:57at you?
25:00Whereas, that is not why I have entered show business.
25:06I do understand that you have to build credibility.
25:10I'm all for it.
25:12You're not in a union, are you?
25:13No, I'm not.
25:14Is that...
25:15Should I?
25:16No.
25:17Right?
25:18They foster laziness.
25:21Personal note now.
25:23Are you gay?
25:24Not at this time.
25:26However, if the part should call for being gay, you will find no one gayer.
25:34Gay?
25:36Well, Mr. Bernard, I'm going to be honest with you.
25:39Well, at least I tried.
25:41Thank you very much.
25:42No, we're going to take you on as a client.
25:49You are?
25:52Yes!
25:54Yes!
25:56Are you being for real right now?
25:59Oh, man.
26:00Ah, yes!
26:02I need this so bad.
26:03I really think this is what could fix me.
26:08We are extremely excited to be working with you, too, sir.
26:13Pay Todd on your way out.
26:16Most talent agents take 10% of whatever jobs they get you.
26:20But with Carla, you pay a flat rate of $5,000 up front.
26:26And that includes headshots.
26:29Ah, it doesn't include headshots.
26:30It doesn't include headshots.
26:32Well, of course not, because that would be insane if it did.
26:35Still getting a bargain, though.
26:41It doesn't include headshots.
26:42So I just smiled and complimented our grandkids.
26:45And we closed it.
26:46You earned yourself a nice, fat commission?
26:48You didn't even know it.
26:51I'll go tell Andy the good news.
26:53Oh, silly me.
26:56Got to take the stairs.
26:57Oh, no, I'm not doing that again.
26:59You got me down, you got to get me back up.
27:01What?
27:01No, oh, no, no.
27:12We need a winch and a hoist.
27:15Oh, no, no, no, no.
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