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Stephen Colbert 2026 03 11 Clarissa Ward JOAN
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00:01As the war in Iran stretches on, it's being reported that Trump officials are buying doomsday bunkers,
00:08with at least two members of the president's cabinet purchasing bomb-proof bunkers.
00:13A spokesperson for Atlas Survival Shelters says he even got a text from one asking,
00:19when will my bunker be ready?
00:27Dan and Susan work in the Trump administration, and they're looking for a doomsday bunker because their boss is insane.
00:34Bing, bing, bong, bong, bing, bing.
00:36Dan wants a urine filtration system and a spare room to hold sheep and gold.
00:41And Susan wants granite countertops and a walk-in closet to display the skulls of her enemies.
00:46Their agent has lined up three survival bunkers for them to see.
00:50Will they make a decision before their boss mistakes his Diet Coke button for the nuclear button?
00:55It's all coming up on House Hunters Doomsday Bunker.
00:58And then, stay tuned for Love It or Epstein List It.
01:02It's The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.
01:07Tonight, straight misbehaving.
01:11Plus, Stephen welcomes Clarissa Warren.
01:16And Pete Holmes.
01:19Featuring Louis Cato and the great big Joe of the Choo.
01:24And now, live on tape from the Ed Sullivan Theater in New York City,
01:30it's Stephen Colbert.
01:32There!
01:37Come on, friends.
01:53THANK YOU VERY MUCH, THANK YOU, YOU LOVELIES OUT THERE.
01:57WELCOME, YOU WONDERFUL PEOPLE.
02:00WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW.
02:01I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
02:04THERE, IT IS DAY 12 OF TRUMP'S NOT A WAR WITH IRAN, AND ALL ATTENTION IS ON ONE OF THE
02:14WORLD'S
02:14MOST IMPORTANT SHIPPING LANES, THE STRAIGHT OF HORMOUZ.
02:18WHICH BRINGS US TO THE LATEST EDITION OF HORMOUZ NEWS YOU CAN USE.
02:24IT CONTINUES.
02:26NOW, IF YOU WERE PAYING ATTENTION IN EIGHTH GRADE GEOGRAPHY, FIRST OF ALL, NERD!
02:34SECOND, YOU WOULD KNOW THE STRAIGHT OF HORMOUZ IS THIS NARROW BODY OF WATER IN THE PERSIAN
02:38GULF THROUGH WHICH 20% OF THE WORLD'S OIL TRAVELS.
02:42SO, A DIRECT THREAT TO THE WORLD ECONOMY THAT IRAN HAS BEGUN LAYING MINES IN THE STRAIGHT OF
02:48HORMOUZ.
02:49OH, NO, THAT'S GOING TO TRULY MAKE IT A DIRE STRAIGHT.
03:06NO ONE KNOWS EXACTLY HOW MANY MINES IRAN HAS, BUT ESTIMENTS SAY THEIR STOCK RANGES FROM 2,000
03:11TO 6,000 NAVAL MINES.
03:13BUT EXPERTS SAY SHIPPING TRAFFIC CAN STOP ALMOST IMMEDIATELY ONCE A SINGLE TANKER HAS HIT
03:18A MINE, OR EVEN IF INSURERS JUST BELIEVE THAT THE THREAT IS CREDIBLE.
03:23INSURERS DON'T WANT TO GET CAUGHT UP IN ALL THAT.
03:25THEY HAVE TO FOCUS ON THEIR CORE BUSINESS OF ADDING CHARACTERS TO THE EXTENDED FLOW UNIVERSE.
03:32IT'S NOT JUST MINES, EITHER.
03:33IF YOU THOUGHT IT WAS JUST MINES, YOU'RE WRONG, LUCE.
03:37IT'S NOT JUST MINES.
03:38IRAN HAS ALSO COVERED THE STRAIGHT WITH SHORE-BASED MISSILES AND EXPLOSIVE-LADEN BOATS, AND SINCE THE
03:43FIGHTING BEGAN, TEN VESSELS HAVE BEEN ATTACKED, AND LAST NIGHT, THREE MORE WERE HIT BY PROJECTILES.
03:48THE STRAIGHT OF HORMOUZ IS NOW THE MOST UNSAFE PLACE TO BE ON A BOAT, NARROWLY SURPASSING WITH YOUR
03:55RECENTLY DIVORCED UNCLE WHO WANTS TO SEE WHAT THIS BABY CAN DO.
03:59COME ON.
03:59HERE WE GO.
04:00HOLD ON, EVERYBODY.
04:01HOLD ON.
04:01HERE WE GO.
04:02HOLD ON.
04:13DIRER STRAITS.
04:14HE'S PLAYING DIRER STRAITS ON THE COOL.
04:16BECAUSE HE'S YOUR UNCLE.
04:16OF COURSE HE LOVES DIRER STRAITS.
04:18YES.
04:19THERE'S NO END IN SIGHT, EITHER.
04:21EARLIER THIS WEEK, IRAN SAID THAT UNTIL THE UNITED STATES AND ISRAEL END THEIR ATTACKS,
04:25IT WILL NOT ALLOW EVEN ONE LITER OF OIL TO LEAVE THE REGION.
04:30OKAY, BUT LEADERS ARE MEANINGLESS TO AMERICANS.
04:33WE NEED IT IN OUR SYSTEM OF MEASUREMENT LIKE GALLON OR GULP.
04:39ALL OF THIS IS CAUSING COMPLETE CHAOS IN THE OIL MARKET.
04:43SO YESTERDAY, TO REASSURE ALL THAT NERVOUS MONEY OUT THERE, WE HEARD FROM SECRETARY OF ENERGY
04:49AND MAN TELLING A CRAB TO PUT DOWN THE KITCHEN KNIFE, CHRIS WRIGHT.
04:56WRIGHT POSTED ON SOCIAL MEDIA SAYING,
04:58THE U.S. NAVY SUCCESSFULLY ESCORTED AN OIL TANKER THROUGH THE STRAIGHT OF HORMOUZ
05:03TO ENSURE OIL REMAINS FLOWING TO GLOBAL MARKETS.
05:06BUT THE MESSAGE VANISHED WITHIN MINUTES, BECAUSE TURNS OUT THAT NEVER HAPPENED.
05:11BUT NOT BEFORE WALL STREET WENT ALL BONKERS, BELIEVING THINGS ARE GOING TO BE OKAY,
05:15WITH FUTURES FOR OIL, DIESEL, AND GASOLINE SLIDING AND STOCKS JUMPING UP.
05:20BUT THEN, WHEN THE TWEET WAS DELETED, INVESTORS WERE LEFT STRUGGLING.
05:24AND THERE'S ALREADY TOO MUCH DRAMA IN THE LIFE OF AN INVESTOR.
05:27JUST LOOK AT WALL STREET. WALL STREET 2, MONEY NEVER SLEEPS.
05:31WALL STREET 3, THIS COCAINE'S NOT HITTING LIKE IT USED TO.
05:34AND, OF COURSE, WALL STREET 4, RUSH HOUR 2.
05:40THIS IS... THIS IS NOW HITTING AMERICANS AT THE GAS PUMP.
05:44ACCORDING TO...
05:46A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A.
05:49ACCORDING TO TRIPLE A...
05:54HONEST MISTAKE, BEFORE THE WAR...
06:00IT'S AN EASY MISTAKE, IT'S A SIMPLE MISTAKE.
06:03BEFORE THE WAR, THE AVERAGE PRICE WAS $2.98 A GALLON, TODAY, IT'S $3.58.
06:08YEAH, YEAH.
06:11THAT'S THE WRONG DIRECTION.
06:13LOOKS LIKE WE MIGHT HAVE TO DOWNGRADE SOME OF OUR SUMMER TRAVEL PLANS.
06:15Disney World? No kids
06:17I said I'd take you to Dizzy World
06:20Now, get on the tire swing
06:22I'm gonna whip you around for a while
06:24while Grandma sings Hakuna Matata
06:29Trump is
06:30She doesn't know the lyrics
06:31Trump is scrambling to minimize
06:33the political damage, posting earlier this week
06:36Short-term oil prices
06:38which will drop rapidly
06:40when the destruction of the Iran nuclear
06:42is a very small price to pay
06:44for USA
06:46and world safety and
06:48peace
06:48Easy for him to say, he doesn't pay for his own gas
06:52That's anyone who stands
06:54behind him
06:57Somehow
06:58Somehow
07:00Somehow
07:01Somehow
07:07President Businessman
07:08didn't see all this coming
07:09Reportedly, this weekend's oil price spike
07:12caught White House staffers off guard
07:14According to one
07:15It was insane
07:16It absolutely surprised the administration
07:18Really?
07:20You were surprised
07:22that bombing the place the oil comes from
07:25makes the oil cost more
07:27Huh
07:27Huh, I thought burning down the Ann Taylor loft
07:30would lead to more sensible workplace separates
07:34Huh
07:36That's what I thought
07:39Trump went to Ohio today
07:41to sort of sell his war
07:43And while he was there torn a factory
07:45Fox News' Peter Doocy asked this
07:48You just said it is a little excursion
07:51and you said it is a war
07:53So which one is it?
07:54Well, it's both
07:55It's both
07:56It's an excursion that will keep us out of a war
08:01And the war is gonna be
08:03I mean, for them it's a war
08:04For us it's
08:07Turned out to be easier than we thought
08:12It's a
08:13It's a war
08:15But it's an excursion
08:17And it's a shampoo
08:19While also being a conditioner
08:23Keeps down the nuclear
08:24And the flakes
08:27Gas prices aren't the only thing
08:30Thank you
08:31Thank you, smattering of applause
08:36Nothing
08:37You can work
08:37You can
08:38No, no
08:40No
08:42No
08:45I don't need your pity
08:49I want it, but I don't need it
08:52Gas prices aren't the only thing
08:53The administration is confused about
08:55Take Trump's special envoy
08:57And Bilbo banker
08:58Steve Witkoff
09:00Witkoff is part of Trump's
09:02Like, little inner circle there
09:03And he directly negotiated
09:05For the United States with Iran
09:07So it was not particularly reassuring
09:09When he said this on CNBC
09:11So how do you see this ending?
09:13This war?
09:18I don't know, uh, uh, uh, Sarah
09:21I know that seems
09:23I know that seems a little concerning
09:25But remember, Churchill showed that same resolve
09:27In his address to a worried nation
09:29We shall fight them on, uh, uh, I don't know, uh, uh, uh, Sarah
09:35I'm late for a thing
09:37Smoke bomb!
09:40Americans, he had smoke bombs?
09:42He had smoke bombs
09:44He had smoke bombs
09:45He had smoke bombs
09:49Americans aren't just getting punched in the pump
09:52This week, aluminum prices jumped to their highest level in almost four years
09:56But that's okay, because we can just call on our British allies
09:59They have something very similar called aluminum
10:03We can ask them where they got that
10:06This crisis is because some of the world's major aluminum smelters are in Qatar in Bahrain
10:11In other words, if you smelt it, you are currently being bombed by Iran
10:17Big agriculture could also be in trouble
10:20Because one of the byproducts of oil refining
10:21Is a main ingredient of fertilizer called urea
10:25And urea prices have risen as much as 35% since the war began
10:30Well, maybe they could just tap into America's strategic reserve of urea
10:33The D-train
10:36In fact, I know one guy who will give you some whether you ask for it or not
10:44Another thing is about to be more expensive
10:46Because more than a quarter of the world's helium supply
10:49Could be cut off if the strait of Hormuz remains closed
10:54I wonder what this next joke is going to be
11:01No
11:11Speaking of trouble
11:14We just learned that the Department of Homeland Security spent millions on vehicles
11:20Custom-wrapped to say ICE
11:21Even though it's against protocol for ICE officers to drive identifiable vehicles in public
11:34It's a cheap hot
11:37So they got all these vehicles, they say ICE, and that's against the rules
11:40Let's take a look
11:41They got the logo, they got red stripes, and defend the homeland
11:45In straight-to-VHS RoboCop sequel fonts
11:49And you can't see it in this image
11:51But the cars also have a golden decal of President Trump's name
11:54Which is why it just won the J.D. Power & Associates Award for best midsize SUV for curbside urination
12:11That could be a great source of urea
12:14Because they're now unusable, these thousands of ICE-branded vehicles are just sitting in parking garages
12:20Well, come on, they could easily be resold if they just touched up the paint job
12:25You could sell one to a local ice cream vendor
12:29Or you could sell one to Kid Rock
12:33Speaking of cars
12:38I don't know, I don't know
12:40Seems like a lovely guy
12:41Seems like a lovely guy
12:42Speaking of cars, earlier this week, the White House announced some insane details
12:46Of their upcoming America 250 birthday celebration
12:50Specifically, the Freedom 250 Grand Prix
12:53An IndyCar race in downtown Washington
12:55Secretary of the Interior Doug Burgum told us why this idea was so good
13:01When we think about America's 250 years
13:04It's really hard to think about anything that's more American than cars
13:07It's long been said Americans have always had a love affair with their cars
13:12It's true, we've all seen the bumper sticker
13:14If this car's a-rockin', it's cause I'm bangin' this car
13:18We've got a great show for you tonight
13:21My guests are Clarissa Ward and Amy Holmes
13:24And when we come back, thoughts for your penny
13:55There you go! Give one for Louis Keder
13:56and a great big joy machine.
14:02Folks,
14:05so many beloved cornerstones of American life
14:08are disappearing, like the Kennedy Center,
14:10the East Wing of the White House,
14:11and Forever 21.
14:14I guess the old saying is true.
14:16Nothing lasts 21.
14:18And now another American classic has bitten the dust
14:21because last year we learned that by executive order
14:24and citing the fact that a penny costs more
14:26to make than its actual value,
14:28the United States government would stop production of the penny.
14:32Making this, yes, making this the worst thing
14:35to ever happen to Abraham Lincoln's head.
14:40Our penny, don't applaud.
14:43You can laugh, you can't applaud that one.
14:47Our penny was the brainchild
14:49of the first secretary of the Treasury, Alexander Hamilton,
14:52a fact covered in the smash-hit Broadway musical
14:54Hamilton II, this one's about the coinage act.
14:58The original penny design featured a woman
15:01with flowing hair symbolizing liberty
15:03and the spirit of the Declaration of Independence,
15:06the chief among our rights, our life, liberty,
15:08and the pursuit of beachy waves
15:09that stay bouncy between washes.
15:12It's woven into our very language and culture,
15:15penny-pinching, penny-anny, pitching pennies,
15:17pennies from heaven, the good luck penny,
15:19and older audience members might remember
15:22back in the day, you could fix a blown fuse
15:25by sticking a penny in the socket,
15:28which to this day remains the most cost-effective way
15:31to burn your house down.
15:36Don't do it.
15:38Also, say goodbye to the iconic
15:39take-a-penny-leave-a-penny tray.
15:41I gotta confess, as a kid,
15:43when the clerk's back was turned,
15:44I would sometimes eat a whole handful.
15:49But no one seems to be talking about
15:51the biggest loss of all,
15:52and that's the penny-press machine.
15:54An American institution.
15:56You want memories?
15:57You want excitement?
15:58Well, for just 51 cents,
16:00you could have an oblong, flattened memento
16:03of Myrtle Beach,
16:04or the sunset in Petoskey, Michigan,
16:06or the great blue heron of South Carolina.
16:10Sure, you could just take a picture,
16:11but then you'd never be able to look down from heaven
16:13as your grandkids rummage through
16:15that little tray on your dresser and say,
16:17wow, Grandpa once went to the Cincinnati Zoo.
16:22He truly lived a rich life.
16:25Penny presses were introduced
16:26at the World's Fair in Chicago in 1893,
16:29which sounds dull today,
16:31but in the 19th century,
16:32the only two pastimes were pressing pennies
16:35or delicately coughing blood into a kerchief.
16:42And to this day,
16:43penny-pressers are built right here in America, folks,
16:47like at the Penny Press Machine Company
16:48in Little Canada, Minnesota.
16:52Good people at penny-press.
16:54Good folks there.
16:55What are they supposed to make now?
16:56Machines that press dimes?
16:58I think that's enough from you.
17:00There are up to 300 billion pennies
17:03still in circulation right now,
17:05and more than ever,
17:06people are going to need somewhere to crush them.
17:08So I commissioned the folks
17:10at the Penny Press Machine Company
17:11to build us a custom-made late-show penny press.
17:14Bring it out, y'all!
17:25There you go.
17:26There you go.
17:39Mr. President,
17:40Mr. President,
17:41thank you so much for coming back from the dead
17:43to do jokes about pennies.
17:44No problem, Steve.
17:46I just love going to the theater.
17:50Good man, good man.
17:51This is the Late Show Penny Press, sir,
17:54which makes four custom designs.
17:57Four?
17:58Score!
18:01Mr. President,
18:03we would love you to press the very first penny in it.
18:06Would you do the honors, sir?
18:08Okay?
18:12Here we go.
18:13Very exciting.
18:19Mr. President,
18:20what image was pressed onto your penny?
18:22Oh, it's a little penny.
18:24Oh, it's a little penny.
18:25That's right.
18:26One of the design options.
18:29That's right.
18:30The design options are me,
18:32the band,
18:34the Ed Sullivan Theater,
18:35or a tiny image
18:38of a penny
18:41on this penny
18:45commemorating the fact
18:47that there will be
18:48no more pennies.
18:50This penny press machine
18:52will be in the lobby
18:53of the Ed Sullivan Theater
18:54until now,
18:55until the end of the show,
18:56when it will be shoved off
18:57the Triborough Bridge.
19:00Until then,
19:01our audience members
19:01can make their own
19:02Late Show Penny,
19:03and everyone here
19:04is going to go home
19:05with one tonight.
19:06Thank you, Mr. President.
19:07Thank you, Stephen.
19:08We'll be right back
19:10with Clarissa Ward.
19:13And every time it rains,
19:16it rains pennies from heaven.
19:20And every time it rains,
19:23it rains pennies from heaven.
19:25Shoot me, do me.
19:28Welcome back.
19:33Folks,
19:34my first guest tonight
19:36is a Peabody Award-winning
19:38journalist
19:39and CNN's
19:40chief international correspondent.
19:41Please welcome back
19:42to the Late Show,
19:44Clarissa Ward.
19:45Clarissa, can you hear me?
19:45There you go.
19:47Hi, Clarissa.
19:49Now, you're not here
19:50with us right now
19:51because you're abroad
19:52covering the war in Iran.
19:54Where are you joining us
19:54from tonight?
19:56I am in the lovely city
19:58of Erbil
19:59in northern Iraq
20:01and Iraqi Kurdistan,
20:02about 60 miles
20:03from the border
20:04with Iran.
20:05Secretary Hegseth
20:06has told us
20:06that the attack
20:09on Iran
20:09is continuing
20:10and growing every day.
20:12There,
20:13where you are,
20:14do you see
20:15sorties of American flights
20:16and missiles
20:17going in right now?
20:19We sometimes
20:20hear jets
20:21in the skies.
20:22It's not clear
20:23whose jets
20:24those would be,
20:25presumably the U.S.,
20:26although possibly
20:27Israel as well.
20:28What we hear more here,
20:30in fact,
20:30we heard them
20:30just a little while
20:31before coming on the show,
20:33are drone attacks
20:35and some missile attacks, too.
20:36And those are targeting
20:38U.S. bases sometimes,
20:40hotels sometimes,
20:42Iranian Kurdish
20:43opposition groups sometimes.
20:44But they are coming in
20:46pretty regularly
20:48and certainly
20:49pretty much
20:50every single night.
20:51Well,
20:52Secretary Hegseth
20:52has said
20:53that this war
20:54is just at the beginning.
20:55Trump has said
20:56it is very complete.
20:58Then he said
20:58it is ending soon.
21:01There's been
21:01a sort of vagueness
21:02and definition
21:03of what victory
21:04or an exit strategy is
21:05or what the goals are.
21:07From where you are
21:08and what you're hearing,
21:09do you have any
21:09greater sense
21:10of what the purpose
21:11or the endgame
21:12might be here?
21:14You know,
21:15Stephen,
21:16my good friend
21:16journalist
21:17Hala Gharani
21:18today quoted
21:19Machiavelli
21:20who wrote,
21:21wars will begin
21:22when you will,
21:23but they do not end
21:24when you please.
21:26And so I think
21:27this war
21:28is particularly
21:30disconcerting
21:30in the sense
21:31that it is so difficult
21:33to prognosticate
21:35or predict
21:35when it will end,
21:37how far
21:38it will unravel,
21:39how far
21:40the repercussions
21:41will reach
21:42we're talking
21:43about 13
21:44or 14 countries
21:45have now
21:46become embroiled
21:47in one way
21:48or another
21:49with this conflict.
21:50I'm not sure
21:51that that was
21:52part of the calculus
21:53going into this.
21:54And most importantly,
21:56let's just talk
21:57for a second
21:57about the Iranian people
21:58because for all
21:59the declarations
22:00from the U.S.,
22:02from President Trump,
22:03from Israel's
22:04Prime Minister
22:04Benjamin Netanyahu
22:05about Iranians
22:07take to the street,
22:08take your country back,
22:09the Iranians,
22:10the few Iranians
22:11that we've been able
22:12to get in touch with
22:13because obviously
22:14there has been
22:14an internet blackout
22:15since this war began,
22:17are mostly hiding.
22:19They're hiding
22:20from relentless bombardment.
22:22They're hiding
22:23from a brutal regime
22:24that has made very clear
22:26that they will shoot
22:27to kill
22:28if anyone dares
22:30to take to the streets.
22:32And for those
22:33ordinary Iranian people,
22:34I can only imagine
22:36how horrifying
22:36it is right now
22:37to have just so little sense
22:39of where this is going
22:41and what the metric is
22:43for victory
22:43for the United States.
22:46How...
22:46Do you have a sense
22:47where you are?
22:48Obviously, you're in Iraq
22:48right now.
22:49You're, as you said,
22:5160 miles from the border.
22:53These are close neighbors.
22:54Do you have some sense
22:55of how this is being received
22:57by the countries
22:58that are affected by this,
23:00the ones who have been
23:01attacked in response
23:02to the United States
23:03and Israel's bombing of Iran?
23:04I think for all
23:05of these countries
23:06that have come under fire now,
23:09retaliatory fire from Iran,
23:11whether it's the Gulf countries,
23:12whether it's Iraqi Kurdistan,
23:15where I am,
23:16there is a sense of dread,
23:18like, oh my God,
23:20not this again.
23:21Are we seriously going
23:22to get dragged
23:24into some protracted
23:25regional conflagration,
23:27which has the potential
23:29to escalate
23:30in so many different ways?
23:32You know,
23:34when you think back
23:34to the U.S. invasion
23:36of Iraq in 2003,
23:37and everybody kind of laughed
23:39at then-Secretary of Defense
23:41Donald Grumsfeld
23:42when he talked about
23:43the no-knowns
23:44and then the unknown unknowns.
23:46And I think for the people
23:48who live here,
23:50it's the fear
23:51of the unknown unknowns
23:53and the fear
23:54that maybe no one
23:56in the White House
23:57right now
23:57is really trying
23:59to get to grips
24:00with what those unknowns
24:01might be
24:02in order to
24:04potentially mitigate
24:05this getting even bloodier
24:07and even uglier.
24:08As you said,
24:09that there's a news blackout
24:11in Iran,
24:12what are the stories
24:13that were possibly
24:14missing here
24:15in the region?
24:16Because there isn't a way
24:18to actually convey
24:18the reality on the ground.
24:21Well, first of all,
24:22I really want to give
24:23a big shout-out
24:24to my colleague,
24:25Fred Plykin,
24:26who was just inside Iran
24:28for a week
24:29and working under
24:31incredibly stressful
24:32and dangerous conditions
24:34and doing really
24:36important reporting.
24:37But I think he would be
24:38the first to admit
24:40that you are very challenged,
24:42even when you are
24:43lucky enough
24:43to actually be on the ground
24:44in Iran,
24:45to really talk to people
24:47because they are so frightened.
24:49And so what we are missing
24:51right now so clearly
24:53is the humanity of this.
24:55We're not seeing
24:57the mothers
24:57of those 168 children
25:00who were killed
25:01almost certainly
25:02by a U.S. tomahawk.
25:05We're not seeing
25:06the people hiding
25:08in their bathrooms,
25:09clutching their children
25:10as the ceiling comes down.
25:14We're not seeing people
25:15who were cheering
25:17when the Ayatollah,
25:19when the Supreme Leader
25:20was killed,
25:22but who have now been told
25:23that if there are more reports
25:25coming from that apartment block
25:26that anyone's cheering
25:28or booing,
25:29that they will be raided.
25:31And the fear
25:32that they live with,
25:33the trauma
25:34that they went through
25:35in January,
25:36more than 7,000 people
25:37massacred
25:38for taking to the streets
25:40and demanding
25:41freedom
25:42and a better future.
25:44We are not getting
25:46that texture,
25:48that layer
25:49of complexity
25:51and humanity,
25:52which, frankly,
25:53as a war correspondent,
25:54to be trying
25:55to cover this,
25:57it feels like
25:58you are looking
25:59through a keyhole.
26:01And it's incredibly
26:03frustrating
26:04and humbling,
26:04but it is what it is,
26:06and we continue
26:07to try to do
26:08the best that we can.
26:09We have to take
26:10a quick break.
26:11We'll be right back
26:11with more
26:12Clarissa Ward, everybody.
26:19Hey, everybody.
26:20We're back
26:21with CNN's
26:22Clarissa Ward
26:23from Erbil, Iraq.
26:26There was some talk
26:27about the Kurds
26:28taking up arms
26:29and joining this fight
26:31to help overthrow
26:31the Iranian regime.
26:33First of all,
26:34who are the Kurds?
26:37I'm really glad
26:37you asked,
26:38because I know,
26:39I think sometimes
26:40people are too shy
26:41to ask,
26:41because they're like,
26:42I know I should really
26:42know more about the Kurds.
26:44The Kurds are
26:45the largest ethnic group
26:47in the world
26:47without a state.
26:48There's about 30
26:49to 40 million Kurds.
26:51They are spread out
26:52across a number
26:53of countries,
26:54but primarily Iran,
26:56Iraq, Turkey,
26:57and Syria.
26:58And I guess
26:59the first thing
26:59to say is that
27:00the Kurds,
27:01unsurprisingly,
27:02therefore,
27:02are not a monolith.
27:04And there are
27:04many different
27:05Kurdish political
27:07and fighting factions
27:08spread throughout
27:10the region.
27:10And at one stage,
27:12the U.S.
27:13was actively
27:14considering,
27:15and indeed the CIA
27:17had already begun
27:17supporting,
27:18some of the Iranian
27:20Kurdish opposition
27:21groups that are based
27:22here in Iraqi Kurdistan,
27:25which then was
27:27really creating
27:28a huge amount
27:29of tension
27:29here in Iraqi Kurdistan
27:31because the Iranians
27:32responded by saying,
27:33we're going to
27:34flatten the whole
27:35of Iraqi Kurdistan
27:36if a single fighter
27:37crosses that border.
27:39and then
27:40President Trump
27:41changed his mind
27:42again.
27:43And for now,
27:44that seems to
27:45have kind of
27:46died away
27:47as an option
27:49for the moment.
27:49Let's see.
27:50I imagine that
27:51as a war correspondent
27:54for many years,
27:55part of the job
27:57is to convey
27:59to those of us
28:00who aren't there
28:01the tragedy
28:02and the horror
28:04that is war.
28:05and that requires
28:07to a certain level
28:07not being
28:08desensitized to it
28:09yourself.
28:10And that must be
28:12harder
28:14at some times,
28:15especially when now
28:16violence is being
28:17so celebrated
28:18in odd ways
28:20by our own
28:21Pentagon press office.
28:23They recently
28:24put out a video
28:24where they used
28:25clips from
28:26Call of Duty
28:27to do sort of
28:29a triumphal celebration
28:30of the destruction
28:30of Iran.
28:31As someone who's
28:32been to so many
28:33of these conflicts
28:34and seeing the reality
28:35for humans
28:35on the ground,
28:36what's your reaction
28:37to that sort of
28:40the glitz
28:41and the glamour
28:42they're trying
28:43to put on this violence?
28:46I mean,
28:48obviously,
28:48as a journalist,
28:49I'm really not supposed
28:50to say this,
28:51but I feel deeply ashamed.
28:53And I think it belies
28:55a staggering lack
28:56of humility.
28:58And frankly,
28:58it doesn't really matter
29:00so much what I think
29:01or feel about it.
29:02It matters how people
29:03here feel about it.
29:05It matters how people
29:06in Iran feel about it.
29:08And I think it just plays
29:11into the worst stereotypes
29:13about America
29:14and how America
29:16wields its power
29:17and what America
29:18cares about.
29:20And for so many
29:21in this region
29:22who have just felt
29:24dehumanized
29:25and humiliated
29:27for decades now,
29:31yeah,
29:32it's just,
29:33it's a lot.
29:35It's hard to keep
29:37your attention
29:38on so many conflicts
29:41at once.
29:42You recently returned
29:43from Ukraine.
29:43You spoke to Zelensky
29:45while you were there.
29:46What did you learn?
29:47I learned that there's
29:49not just a bit
29:51of bitterness,
29:51but like genuine
29:52hurt and confusion
29:54as to why the United
29:55States went to
29:57being the biggest
29:58champion and supporter
29:59of Ukraine
30:00to not seemingly
30:03being terribly
30:04engaged
30:05on this issue.
30:07And I learned that
30:08people have a breaking
30:09point.
30:10You know,
30:10they just lived
30:11through a winter
30:12where it was
30:14unbelievably freezing,
30:16sub-zero temperatures
30:17every day,
30:18Russians bombing
30:19the energy infrastructure
30:21every day,
30:22blackouts,
30:23no heat.
30:24I spent an afternoon
30:25with a young
30:27single mother
30:27who has to
30:29walk her
30:29three-year-old daughter
30:30up and down
30:3110 flights of stairs
30:32every day
30:33because there's
30:35no power
30:35and the elevator
30:36doesn't work.
30:37And I spoke to
30:37a lot of people
30:38who said,
30:39you know,
30:40I don't really ever
30:40want to hear
30:41the word resilient
30:42again.
30:43Like,
30:43we're not superhuman.
30:45We're human.
30:46And everybody
30:47has a limit.
30:49Well,
30:49thank you so much
30:50for joining us.
30:51I know it's early
30:52in the morning
30:53over there.
30:54And obviously,
30:55please stay safe
30:56and we look forward
30:57to all your coverage
30:58on CNN
30:59where you can watch
31:00Clarissa's coverage
31:01from Iraq.
31:02Clarissa Ward,
31:03everybody.
31:04We'll be right back
31:04with Keith Holmes.
31:19Welcome back.
31:23Folks,
31:23my next guest
31:24is a comedian
31:26you know
31:26from Crashing
31:27How We Roll
31:28and his stand-up specials.
31:29His new special
31:30is Silly, Silly Fun Boy.
31:32Please welcome back
31:33to The Late Show,
31:34Pete Holmes.
31:35Silly Fun Boy.
32:01Hi.
32:02Just taking ownership
32:02of the space.
32:03Hey, how old are you?
32:04I'm going to be 47
32:05this very month.
32:06You're going to be 47?
32:08I heard that you might
32:09be approaching
32:09your late 40s
32:10and I said,
32:10he's so young
32:11and youthful
32:11and sprightly.
32:12I was quite surprised.
32:13Look who's talking.
32:14Yeah, well.
32:15Well.
32:15Me.
32:16You.
32:16Yeah.
32:18Look,
32:18if anybody is 27
32:19and they're worried
32:20about being 47,
32:22it's not that bad.
32:23No, it's not.
32:23It's not that bad.
32:24Yes, it's the little things.
32:26I remember fondly.
32:26Right?
32:26Yeah.
32:27It's the little things
32:27that let you know
32:28you're getting older.
32:29I'll give you an example.
32:30I got in bed
32:31the other night
32:31with my wife,
32:32Bragg.
32:35I was barefoot
32:36and she was barefoot
32:37so I put my barefoot
32:39on her barefoot.
32:41You know,
32:41keeping that
32:43passion alive.
32:46You laugh,
32:46but in your 40s
32:47that's some kinky stuff
32:48right there.
32:49A foot?
32:49Just contact.
32:50Just contact of any kind.
32:52I'll put a foot on a foot.
32:53Yeah.
32:54And I'm not making this up.
32:55This is a quote.
32:55She goes,
32:56Pete,
32:56are you wearing shoes?
33:00That's 47.
33:01That is the texture
33:02of my barefoot.
33:04She thought it was a gag.
33:06She's like,
33:06there's no way
33:07that's a foot.
33:07He's wearing Timberlands.
33:09You gotta,
33:09you gotta moisturize.
33:10You gotta moisturize?
33:11Yeah,
33:11you gotta use that
33:12pumice stone down there
33:13to get off the edges.
33:14Yeah.
33:14Okay,
33:15all right.
33:15Yeah.
33:15I'll borrow one
33:16from my elderly mother.
33:19Last time,
33:20last time you were here
33:20we talked about
33:21your daughter?
33:22Yes,
33:23that's right.
33:23How old is she now?
33:24She's seven.
33:25Okay.
33:25Leela.
33:26Leela,
33:26get off dad has YouTube.
33:29I'm a parent.
33:30I love being a parent.
33:32You learn a lot.
33:33You do.
33:34I learn some things instantly.
33:35Like,
33:35oh,
33:35I'm dumb.
33:36For sure.
33:37Yeah.
33:38What,
33:38what,
33:38what have you learned
33:39from being a parent?
33:40My daughter's brilliant.
33:41She,
33:41she saw her first limousine
33:42and she called it a taxedo.
33:46That's fantastic.
33:47Nailed it.
33:47Right.
33:48That's fantastic.
33:49Leela,
33:50Stephen Colbert
33:51thought that was fantastic.
33:52That's amazing.
33:53Wow.
33:54And I learn so much
33:55about playground culture
33:57now that I have a kid
33:58because I can go.
34:01Again.
34:02Again.
34:03You can now again go.
34:04There were years
34:05when you were not welcome.
34:08Look,
34:08I'm just saying,
34:08guys,
34:09you got to have a plus one.
34:10Don't just
34:13show up.
34:13Don't just post up
34:14at the playground.
34:15They'll put a tarp on you.
34:17So what have you learned
34:18about playground culture?
34:19Well,
34:19anybody that goes.
34:20Is it different
34:20than our childhood?
34:21No,
34:21it's exactly the same in fifth.
34:22You've forgotten.
34:23I forgot.
34:23I'll tell you,
34:24if you're pushing a kid
34:25on a swing,
34:25there's a phenomenon
34:26about once every 40 minutes
34:28or so,
34:28some other kid,
34:30you'll all know this,
34:31some other random kid
34:32gets all turned around.
34:34They get lost in the lights.
34:35They burn out their retina
34:36like a chicken.
34:37They're turned around
34:38and they will wander
34:39and inevitably will walk
34:41the one place
34:42it is not safe
34:43to walk at the playground
34:45directly in front of the swings.
34:46The pendulum of death
34:47and they get clobbered.
34:49Yes.
34:50They're always fine.
34:51It happened to us.
34:52I'm happy to say
34:52it's still happening to them.
34:54They learn something about fulcrums.
34:56I don't know what they learn.
34:58Well, they learn
34:58their life is unfair.
34:59Well, yeah.
35:00And they're never hurt.
35:01They're made out of rubber.
35:02It's like America Ninja Warrior.
35:03They're fine.
35:04Okay.
35:04So this comes into play
35:05in the story.
35:06I took my daughter
35:06to a playground for a birthday party.
35:08She was five at the time.
35:09Yes.
35:09There were five swings.
35:10My daughter sat in the middle swing.
35:12She was too young to pump
35:13so I started pushing her.
35:13Before too long
35:14two of her little friends
35:15came and sat to her right.
35:17I didn't have anything going on.
35:20Sure.
35:21Got all three of these little kids.
35:22Multitasking.
35:23It was amazing.
35:24Before too long
35:25two more kids.
35:26No.
35:27Steven,
35:28like I said,
35:29I was free.
35:30Yes.
35:30I decided to go
35:31for my personal best.
35:32I got five...
35:35Five kids
35:35soaring high in the sky.
35:37It was a highlight of my life.
35:38It was like a plate spinner
35:39on the Ed Sullivan show.
35:40It was amazing.
35:43You know the two.
35:43Yes.
35:44So, true story.
35:45In the distance.
35:46This is the kid's real name.
35:47I see this little boy.
35:48He's also five.
35:49We know this kid.
35:49He's a good kid.
35:50He's kind of got a vacant look
35:51in his eyes.
35:52His name is Ira.
35:53Ira does a lazy banana
35:54around the swings.
35:56He plants his feet
35:57in the dirt next to me.
35:58Doesn't say a word.
35:59Just cocks back.
36:00Punches me square in the balls.
36:04I didn't see it coming.
36:07Why would I?
36:08Why would I be like,
36:08oh, here comes Ira.
36:10He's going to punch me
36:10square in the balls.
36:12He did.
36:13It really...
36:13He was good too.
36:14He was in a stance.
36:15He kept his elbow up.
36:16Like who taught Ira
36:17how to fight?
36:18Unprovoked because some people
36:20just want to watch
36:20the world burn.
36:23I...
36:23Listen.
36:23I thought
36:25taxedo was funny.
36:27Yes.
36:28Until I heard
36:28one of them punched you
36:29in the balls.
36:30One of them punched me?
36:31Well, really, really hurt.
36:32And I can't get mad
36:33at Ira because he's a child.
36:35Yes.
36:35And I'm not going
36:35to get mad at him.
36:36So my only recourse was
36:38I stopped pushing
36:38the other kids.
36:39I only pushed my daughter.
36:41They stopped moving.
36:42They said,
36:43push us, push us.
36:44I'm like, no.
36:45Ira ruined it.
36:48That was my protest.
36:49Sure.
36:50The other kids leave.
36:51Ira walks away,
36:52satisfied,
36:53having done
36:54his evil deed
36:55for the day.
36:57I'm just pushing
36:58my daughter.
36:58I'm pushing her
36:59like 40 minutes.
37:00She loves the swings.
37:00This is completely real.
37:01I didn't come all this way
37:02to lie to you tonight.
37:04I'm pushing Lila
37:05in the corner of my eye
37:06as luck would have
37:07at Steven.
37:08Friggin' Ira.
37:09I see him.
37:10He's all turned around.
37:12He doesn't know
37:12where he is.
37:13He's like Walter White
37:14in a fugue state.
37:15He doesn't know.
37:16He starts walking
37:18his way toward...
37:19I'm like,
37:19is this about to happen?
37:21Listen to me.
37:22I stayed in rhythm.
37:24Do you understand?
37:25I didn't slow down.
37:27I just...
37:27Anybody that saw me
37:28would be like,
37:29that dad is clean.
37:31Stayed at the exact
37:32same pace.
37:32I was like,
37:33let's see what God
37:33wants to have happen.
37:36I was like,
37:37I was like Batman.
37:38I'm not going to kill you,
37:39but I don't have to save you.
37:40It was like that.
37:42Steven,
37:42it timed out perfectly.
37:43My daughter collided with Ira.
37:44He fell to the ground.
37:46Best acting I've ever done
37:47in my life.
37:47I was like,
37:49Ira, no!
37:52Anybody but Ira!
37:55But in my mind,
37:56I was like,
37:56that's right,
37:57you friggin' turd.
37:57That's what you get!
37:59I wanted to crouch over him
38:01like Halo.
38:01You friggin' noob!
38:04Well,
38:05you clearly have a way
38:06with children.
38:07Yes.
38:07And,
38:08which is why
38:09you have written
38:09your first children's book.
38:11It's called,
38:12Spells to Cast on Your Parents.
38:14That's right.
38:15That's right.
38:16Why did you want
38:16to write for the youth?
38:19Peter,
38:20why did you want
38:21to write for the youth?
38:22Yes.
38:22I love reading
38:23in my daughter
38:23and I love books
38:24that encourage parents
38:25and kids to be silly together.
38:27So I wrote this book
38:28for my daughter,
38:29made us laugh.
38:29I was like,
38:30let's give it a shot.
38:31I think you'll like it.
38:32You're a Lord of the Rings guy.
38:33There's a dragon in it.
38:34No, there's a dragon
38:34on the cover.
38:35Yeah, yeah.
38:35Are there dragons
38:36in the story?
38:37There's a small dragon
38:38named Jesse
38:38who guards the book.
38:39Do you enjoy the fantasy?
38:40I do.
38:41Oh, yeah.
38:42You know what I love about it?
38:43What?
38:44Whenever you watch
38:44Lord of the Rings,
38:45the movies,
38:45or like The Witcher,
38:47any of these things,
38:47have you noticed
38:48they always have
38:48a British accent?
38:52Do you know that
38:52there are dragons afoot?
38:55Yeah, yeah.
38:55But why?
38:56That's a real,
38:57that's a today accent.
38:59There are millions of people
39:00that use that accent today.
39:01That's not a magical,
39:02something wizardly about that.
39:04But it works, right?
39:05They're like,
39:05Gandalf, we have to go
39:06to the apothecary.
39:07And we're like, oh.
39:08I'm sorry,
39:08what did you say to Gandalf?
39:10Gandalf, we have to go
39:11to the apothecary?
39:11To the apothecary.
39:12Okay.
39:13And we're like,
39:13are these real hobbits?
39:14Like, we buy it.
39:15Yeah, yeah.
39:16But like,
39:16I'm from Boston,
39:17it wouldn't work.
39:20Wouldn't work with,
39:20you couldn't have a guy
39:22like, there's a wizard over there!
39:24There's a wizard
39:25stealing unicorns!
39:27He took two unicorns
39:28and a goblin!
39:30He's a unicorn smuggler!
39:32It wouldn't work.
39:33It wouldn't work.
39:34But it works in here.
39:38Great to see you.
39:39Thank you for having me.
39:40Silly, Silly Fun Boy
39:41is available now
39:42on the streaming service
39:43800-pound gorilla
39:45and will be on YouTube
39:46March 24th,
39:48plus the book.
39:48Pete Holmes, everybody.
39:57That's it for The Late Show,
39:58everybody.
39:59Tune in tomorrow,
40:00and my guests will be
40:01Wanda Sykes
40:02and Robert Smigel.
40:03So long.
40:05So long.
40:06So long.
40:08Bye.
40:19Bye.
40:34See you next time.
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