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00:08To me, the Sixers are a five seed, tops.
00:12I think they're going to the conference finals.
00:14Bynum, obvious monster.
00:17I have three-point shooting, don't even...
00:19I bit my lip at lunch today.
00:23Sucks.
00:24Anyway, I just don't see it.
00:26The Knicks are tough.
00:27The Nets are tough.
00:28Oh, the Nets are super tough.
00:30Now I have this big bump in my lip that hurts.
00:34I hate it.
00:36The Hawks are terrible.
00:39They're always terrible.
00:40Okay, you need to think about it before you come with the...
00:47Whatever.
00:48It's not a big deal.
00:49You know, I always tell my three-year-old,
00:50if this is the worst thing that's going to happen,
00:52you've got to be kidding me!
00:54Okay, Pam, that's it.
00:57I'm going home.
01:10Good morning, Meredith.
01:13What?
01:14Oh, sorry, Pam.
01:17Yikes.
01:19Jim's been spending a few days a week in Philly,
01:21and, I'm not going to lie, it's been challenging.
01:27Yesterday, things took a turn for the worse.
01:29I found out CeCe has lice.
01:32So, I was up all night disinfecting every sheet, towel,
01:37toy, item of clothing in the entire house.
01:40I'm exhausted.
01:42But don't tell Jim.
01:44He has a huge meeting today, under a lot of pressure,
01:48and he's doing it all for the family.
01:55Hey.
01:56There he is.
01:57You cool for the day?
01:59Cool?
02:00Roseph, I'm so cool, I'm frozen.
02:04Sorry, I will not talk like that.
02:07I'll be cool.
02:08I am meeting Dr. J today, otherwise known as Julius Erving,
02:13famed 76er, and my own personal hero.
02:16But I have to be careful not to rub it in Pam's face,
02:18because, let's be honest, how would I feel
02:21if I was at home, stuck with the kids,
02:23while she was...
02:25go-karting with John Stamos?
02:27You sound tired.
02:28Everything okay?
02:29Great. Everything's great.
02:31Hey, are you nervous about your big meeting?
02:33Uh, a little bit.
02:35It's a lot of pressure, you know.
02:36But that's what I signed up for, right?
02:38Jim, Lin-O's here.
02:41Uh, you know what, I gotta hop off,
02:43because my, uh, taxi is here.
02:45to take me to the meeting.
02:46Oh, call me later.
02:48Okay. Good luck.
02:48Thanks.
02:49I love you.
02:49Love you, too. Bye.
02:53How you doing?
02:54Okay. I mean, it's what you want, so...
02:56It's how it has to be.
02:58I know, I know.
03:00It's just hard.
03:01Me and Val, we're going nowhere.
03:04And if I'm gonna be working in Philly,
03:05I'm gonna need my freedom.
03:07So I convinced Val to break out with me.
03:09Here's how you do it.
03:10You say, what are you gonna do, break out with me?
03:13Like, as a joke.
03:14And then you gain a lot of weight.
03:16I'll never be sorry, not for a moment of it.
03:19Me neither.
03:20Come here.
03:24Hey, Meredith, I need your supply requests today.
03:27She was each in the morning.
03:28Will you stop your nagging already?
03:29No wonder Jim left you.
03:31He didn't leave me.
03:32He just went part-time.
03:37Can you just fill out the form, please?
03:38Yes.
03:42I'm sure she's just confused.
03:44People scratch their heads when they're confused.
03:48Not always like an ape the way Meredith just did,
03:50but it happens.
03:52Hurry up already.
03:53Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
03:55Between the foster homes and the orphanage,
03:57I had lice 22 times.
04:00Set a foster home record.
04:01Fewest lice infestations.
04:04Holy wow, that's a big one.
04:05All right, pencils down everyone, we've got lice.
04:08Oh God, Meredith, lice?
04:11Did you not sign a pledge to shower?
04:13What?
04:15Lice?
04:16Oh my God.
04:18Lock the doors, we're on full quarantine.
04:20Dwight, relax, it's just lice.
04:23Maybe, possibly.
04:24Just lice, Pam.
04:26Of all of the vermin in God's great green kingdom,
04:29lice are the ones I detest the most.
04:31My first day of school, I had lice and no one would play with me.
04:35For 15 years, they called me freak and four eyes
04:39and sci-fi nerd and girl puncher,
04:41all because I had lice when I was seven.
04:44Make way.
04:45Nope, inspect me.
04:48Oh, this is the cleanest scalp I've ever seen.
04:51You are all clear.
04:52It should be.
04:53I use lice shampoo every morning.
04:55Hey, what's that?
04:57Dwight.
04:59Next.
05:00Cousin Moe's had lice from age five to age 12.
05:03It siphoned the smart right out of his brain.
05:06He used to be able to take apart and put together
05:08a sewing machine in three minutes.
05:10Now, all he can do is take it apart with a hammer
05:12and it takes him all winter.
05:15Lice!
05:16Geez, Meredith, you know, this is an office.
05:18It's not one of your beanbag orgies.
05:20Let's give her a break.
05:22We don't know for sure this is Meredith's fault.
05:24Pam?
05:25Really?
05:27Come on.
05:27What do you want?
05:28I know who I am.
05:30Nobody's taking Meredith Palmer to the opera to meet the queen.
05:33Lice.
05:33More lice.
05:34Angela has lice.
05:36Ew!
05:37Ow!
05:38Ooh, yabber.
05:40Lice.
05:40Yeah, I have sweet blood from my diabetes.
05:43Ticks, lice, they all want a piece of Stanley.
05:45Yikers.
05:46Lice.
05:47No!
05:48How?
05:49I'm so clean.
05:50Oh, yeah.
05:51Big time lice.
05:52I wash my hands at least six times a day.
05:55Toilet seat covers?
05:56Yes, thank you, even when I pee.
05:58Apparently, none of that is protection enough.
06:00Not when it comes to Meredith.
06:04Oh!
06:05Oh!
06:06Oh!
06:06Oh, yes!
06:06Hey, what are you wearing?
06:08It's a hazmat suit that stands for hazardous materials men's suit wearing.
06:14If you rent more than four times a year, it just makes sense to buy.
06:17Is there anyone else here that is lice-free?
06:22Excellent.
06:23You have your own hazmat suits?
06:25No.
06:25No.
06:26Renters.
06:27Okay.
06:28I'm gonna need you to gather your belongings, retreat to the warehouse, conduct your business
06:33there until the infected have been deloused.
06:36Let's get going.
06:36Fine.
06:37I'm gonna stay here and fight.
06:38If you don't hear from me by lunch, call me.
06:40I might want lunch.
06:42All right.
06:43We're going down to my warehouse.
06:45That means we're playing by my rules.
06:47No messing with the bailer.
06:48And be cool in front of me and Val.
06:50We just broke up.
06:50Oh!
06:51You got dumped?
06:52Yeah.
06:53She ended things.
06:54Breakups are the worst.
06:55The only thing that got me through mine was large amounts of shepherd's pie and brandy.
06:59The singer, not the drink.
07:00Yeah.
07:01When me and Stacey broke up, I was so depressed.
07:04All I could do was sit around and eat double-stuffed Oreos for weeks.
07:10It was...
07:11best.
07:16Here, man.
07:19You need that more than me.
07:25Thanks, man.
07:26Yeah.
07:30Turns out you get mad sympathy when people think you're all sad about a girl dumping you.
07:34It's like when I used to pretend to be sick when I was a kid.
07:37Except for these people don't see through me like my mama did.
07:39She would whoop my ass.
07:41Guys, I think we should all ease up on Meredith.
07:43This has got to be hard for her.
07:45Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
07:46I have not yet begun to shame.
07:48That's it.
07:49I'm getting my stuff.
07:49I'm leaving for the day.
07:50No!
07:51Stanley, if you leave now, then you'll get it in your car, and then you'll get it in your house!
07:55Get off of me!
07:56I'm trying to save you from yourself!
07:58Alright, I'll stay!
08:00There's a pencil poking in my rolls.
08:04Maybe it was Meredith.
08:06Maybe she brought in lice that are totally different than the lice that I got from Cece.
08:11So, let's not jump to the simplest conclusion that she got her lice from me.
08:15That is how wars get started.
08:19Fine, I'll tell her it was me.
08:23Oh, man.
08:25That's very squeezed.
08:26And are all the snacks complimentary?
08:29Yeah.
08:29Take some home if you want.
08:31Oh, no, no, no.
08:32That's okay.
08:42I'm sorry.
08:43Is this the conference center?
08:44No.
08:44Mr. Irving called.
08:45Said he'd rather meet you at his private court.
08:49You gotta be kidding me.
08:54Hey, Meredith.
08:55I need to tell you something.
08:56Yes, Pam, what do you want?
08:56Oh, my God!
08:57Meredith, what are you doing?
08:59Baking a cake.
08:59What does it look like I'm doing?
09:00Getting rid of the lice.
09:01Oh, stop!
09:02I'm so sorry.
09:03Oh, can you hold that thought?
09:04That's my wax.
09:05You know, I think these critters migrated from down south.
09:09What were you saying?
09:11Nothing.
09:13I'm going to tell her.
09:14But now is clearly not the time.
09:17I will buy her a wig.
09:18We'll have a few laughs.
09:20There's a right way to do this.
09:27Scalp leeches.
09:28Skull vampires.
09:30Follicle gypsies.
09:31Hair lawyers.
09:32One thing is clear.
09:34It's kill or be killed.
09:35No, no, no.
09:36It's more of a nuisance, really.
09:37It's not that big a deal.
09:39So, I've collected your hats and your coats.
09:41To be burned!
09:42To be washed.
09:43What do we do about our heads?
09:45I'm not going to lie.
09:46Lie!
09:47No!
09:47All we need is mayonnaise.
09:49Excuse me?
09:50She's right.
09:51It works.
09:52I would imagine.
09:54Yes.
09:54It helps to suffocate the little buddies.
09:56And it's a really healthy alternative to the chemicals found in most life shampoos.
10:01I can appreciate that.
10:02I also only eat local, organic produce.
10:08Shaboom!
10:08How do you like me loud?
10:10Wow.
10:11Take a picture.
10:12It'll last longer.
10:13We don't want it to last longer.
10:14It's horrible.
10:15Ball people eat me sick.
10:17Yeah, yeah.
10:18Everybody pile on Meredith.
10:19But I'm the only one with the balls to show them lice who's boss.
10:25Okay, nobody panic.
10:26If everybody just follows my instructions, then nobody else needs to end up bald.
10:30Not that it looks bad, Meredith.
10:32It looks...
10:32It looks awesome.
10:34You look like a baby who suddenly aged 50 years.
10:37A cute baby.
10:38But something sacked the life force out of it.
10:40I'm so sorry.
10:41We need mayonnaise.
10:42We need it now.
10:43Oh, I'll go.
10:44Okay.
10:45Oh, thank you.
10:46No, no, it's not a big deal.
10:47Please, no.
10:47Um, Meredith.
10:48Can I get you something special while I'm at the store?
10:51Candy or...
10:52Or one of those stylish turbans?
10:54Thanks, Pam.
10:55I'll take a pack of Nicorette gum and a pack of Cools.
10:57Okay.
10:58Oh, are you trying to quit smoking?
10:59Quit, start.
11:00Who knows anymore?
11:02Okay.
11:06Let's talk cubes, people.
11:08Hey, Drew.
11:10Oh, hey, Val.
11:16Oh.
11:17Oh, that was tragic.
11:19Oh, that was like a car crash.
11:20I couldn't look away.
11:22You two still clearly have feelings for each other.
11:25Yeah.
11:26What's gonna make you feel better, big guy?
11:28When I was a kid, my grandmother used to make me chocolate cake when I was a kid.
11:32I wasn't feeling good, but she's not around to do that anymore.
11:35I'm sorry.
11:35I just need a moment to myself just to clear my head.
11:41Oh, poor Daryl.
11:43I can't bear to see him suffer like this.
11:44I think he needs some hugs.
11:47And maybe some chocolate cake.
11:50Oh, this won't help.
11:51It's a muffin, not cake.
11:54Listen, let's try and get Daryl the one thing in the world he clearly wants and needs the most.
11:59An Escalade.
12:00Deep.
12:01Or, what's her name?
12:04Val.
12:05Let's get Daryl Val.
12:08I hope you don't mind me bringing you out here.
12:09I can't get my knees under a desk.
12:11Are you kidding me?
12:12I could literally scalp tickets to this.
12:14Well, you think you could sink one from Deep?
12:17Listen, I don't mean to intimidate you, but I did play a little high school ball.
12:21Okay.
12:25Wow.
12:26Halpert's got game.
12:28All right.
12:28Oh, sorry.
12:30I'm so sorry.
12:31This is my wife.
12:32Can I take this?
12:33If it's your wife, you better take it.
12:35Right?
12:39Hey, what's up?
12:40Everything okay?
12:41Oh, no.
12:41Everything's great.
12:42I was just calling to see how the meeting went.
12:45Oh, it's still happening right now, actually.
12:47So...
12:48He's really making me work for it, huh?
12:49Yes, it is very stressful.
12:52Are you sure everything's okay?
12:54Great.
12:54I am killing it over here.
12:59Jim, I gotta go.
13:00Okay.
13:01Bye.
13:02So sorry about that.
13:03No problem.
13:04Hey, Jim, what size do you wear, man?
13:05I got a pair of Japanese Nikes with your name on them.
13:08What do you think?
13:09I love it.
13:11Once it's all over your head, just leave it there for four hours.
13:14That will be enough time for the lice to fall asleep, suffocate, and then pass away.
13:19Oh, sure.
13:21And when you're ready to get serious, come to me to get it done right.
13:26Put those away before you hurt yourself.
13:32Oh, God.
13:33Oh, no.
13:35No.
13:36No.
13:38No.
13:39No!
13:40No!
13:41No!
13:43No!
13:44No!
13:45No!
13:45Okay, it's easier with a buddy, so everybody pair up.
13:48Oscar, you want to be my partner?
13:51Yeah, yeah, sure.
13:52I'd love to.
13:54Hey, uh, mail buddy.
13:55Five dollars hip.
13:57You unclog my ears.
13:58Okay?
13:59Oh.
14:00Creed, I'm so sorry.
14:01I'm already partners with Pete.
14:03Right, Pete?
14:04Uh, yeah.
14:05We promised each other if we ever got lice, we'd buddy up.
14:08So, sorry, man.
14:12Hey, Creed.
14:13Wanna be my buddy?
14:15Oh, God.
14:16I'm stuck with a weirdo.
14:24Angela.
14:24You don't want bugs.
14:26You know?
14:27Who knows?
14:28Where those bugs will end up.
14:31You're getting a bargain.
14:32I ain't got no hair no more.
14:36Creed.
14:38I'm all done.
14:39My turn.
14:40I'm sorry, Pam.
14:41It looks a little messy.
14:44Well, wait.
14:44I didn't love it either, but come on.
14:46This is a partnership.
14:48Oh, sure.
14:48I have a quarter inch of hair, and you're a muskox.
14:51Not fair.
14:56How's that?
14:58I feel it working.
14:59Whoa.
15:03Eiffel Tower.
15:06Maonicornism is a serious problem in our society.
15:09Hmm.
15:10As is facial posterioritis.
15:12Known on the street as butt head syndrome.
15:14If you find someone you know and love with this condition, please get help.
15:17Quickly.
15:18Before someone spanks your face.
15:21No.
15:22No.
15:24Can I help you?
15:26Well, we don't want to pry, but we heard you broke up with Daryl.
15:30Yeah, that's true.
15:31We think you made a big, big mistake.
15:33Big mistake.
15:34Quite enormous.
15:35He's a real catch, and you should take him back.
15:38Okay.
15:40Is that all?
15:41No.
15:42No, that is not all.
15:43Let me tell you what real life is like.
15:46The men dry up, and the nights get lonely.
15:48The only calls on your machine are from collection agencies about that pair of motorcycle boots
15:52you've never even worn.
15:53You stalk your old high school boyfriend online, go to his daughter's soccer games,
15:58and make a scene.
15:59You buy a diamond ring for yourself, wear it on your right hand, and tell yourself
16:04you're all you need.
16:05One day, you're alone, tired, at your feet, a dying bird.
16:11But where did it come from?
16:12Why did you kill it?
16:13Is it because in some strange way, it is you?
16:17Thank you all for your concern.
16:19But I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, okay?
16:22Pff.
16:27So, does this mean you're gonna take Daryl back?
16:30No.
16:31Well then, what would you say to you and me hitting the town?
16:36Cause I'm free, literally forever.
16:41Yeah, Kevin asked me out.
16:42I was kinda feeling good about re-entering the dating pool, and then Kevin asked me out.
16:47Thought I might trade up to a new level of man.
16:50Then Kevin asked me out.
17:04Hello?
17:04Hi, honey.
17:05It's Mom.
17:06Look, Sissy's school just called.
17:07She still has lice.
17:09What?
17:10No, that can't.
17:11I don't...
17:11No, no, don't worry.
17:12Don't worry.
17:12I'm on my way to pick her up.
17:14But you might have lice too.
17:16Lice can be tricky.
17:17Sometimes lice...
17:19Oh, my God.
17:20Shave her head.
17:22Shave her head!
17:30I'm so sorry.
17:32It's just been so chaotic with Jim gone.
17:34Yeah, yeah.
17:34Princess Fancy Pants letting Jane 12-pack over here take the fall.
17:38She's right, Pam.
17:40Is there a volume knob on that thing?
17:42Yes, there's a volume knob on that thing.
17:47Meredith, I am so sorry.
17:50Well, a lot of good your sorries are doing her now, Pam.
17:53She's a monster.
17:56I meant to say something earlier.
17:58I just...
17:59Just...
18:00Just what?
18:02Just forgot?
18:04Who's the one that didn't bring lice into the office?
18:07Meredith!
18:08Sure, I gave everybody pink eye once, and my ex keyed a few of their cars.
18:12And yeah, I BM'd in the shredder on New Year's.
18:15But I didn't bring the lice in.
18:17That was all Pam.
18:20Attention, people of the office.
18:22You have exactly 60 seconds to evacuate the bullpen.
18:26At that time, I will be tossing this powerful insecticidal grenade,
18:33which contains piperonal botoxide as well as...
18:39Dwight! Are you okay?
18:44Whoa.
18:45The botoxide has a mild hallucinogenic effect,
18:48but I don't think it's kicked in yet.
18:49I'm gonna count down for ten.
18:52Nine.
18:53Yellow.
18:55Cold.
18:57Sad.
19:01Wow.
19:02He got to purple.
19:05Ow!
19:07Sorry.
19:11You're waterboarding me!
19:13Oops.
19:24No, this is fine.
19:26We're allowed to do this.
19:27This is okay.
19:33Hey, you're up.
19:34Yeah, I'm actually kind of sad to see this baby go.
19:37You do kind of look like Elvis.
19:40But we should probably wash all the dead lice out.
19:48Okay.
19:48Okay.
19:50Okay.
19:55Is that too cold?
19:56No.
19:57It actually feels kind of nice.
20:10I wonder what happened over there.
20:11I've been sitting here the whole time.
20:16I gotta warn you, most of my experience is in washing dogs.
20:20So, no Vidal Sassoon here.
20:23Well, just go.
20:24Okay.
20:24All right.
20:24Go on.
20:37Okay.
20:38Huh?
20:39Let's give it a shot.
20:40Let's make it work.
20:41Oh, no.
20:42I mean, I want to.
20:43I just, I don't want to force you into doing something you don't want to do.
20:46You're not.
20:48I believe in us.
20:54I'm back together with Val.
20:58Yay.
21:04Yeah.
21:05Yeah.
21:06I feel like that little baby.
21:08What's his name?
21:09He shoots you with the arrows.
21:10Stewie.
21:11I think Daryl O's a group of particularly astute upstairs.
21:15It's a heartfelt apology.
21:16Yeah.
21:17Don't mess with the baler.
21:18Be cool around Val.
21:23I did mess up the baler.
21:25No.
21:26No.
21:26It's probably on its last legs anyway.
21:28Yeah.
21:29Probably.
21:34Oh.
21:36Oh.
21:44Oh, look who it is.
21:46Typhoid Mary.
21:47Angela.
21:48Don't, Pam.
21:49You brought lice into the office.
21:51Who's to say what else you have?
21:53Disgusting.
22:05Had a pretty good day today.
22:07Not everything went exactly according to plan, but...
22:10Lice, if you are watching, I am ready for you anytime, anywhere.
22:21Hey.
22:23Aaron already take off?
22:24I guess so.
22:27Okay.
22:32You're Kareem.
22:33Coming to help.
22:34I'm Kareem.
22:35That makes total sense.
22:36I'm Kareem.
22:37You're Dr. J.
22:37Okay.
22:37Just sounds weird to say out loud.
22:39And it went like this.
22:44And that's all.
22:45That's it.
22:46No one will believe this back home, but that's okay.
22:48Let me show you how it's done.
22:49Yeah, you show me how it's done.
22:51This is Jim Halpert.
22:52Leave a message.
22:53Hey, honey.
22:54It's me.
22:56Just trying to catch you before going home.
23:00Um...
23:00Oh, well.
23:01Just give me a call whenever.
23:02Hope your day got better.
23:03Love you.
23:07Hey.
23:08What you doing right now?
23:10Oh, I'm just gonna go home.
23:11My mom's been watching the kids all day.
23:14Let her stay another hour.
23:15Let's go get a beer.
23:17Really?
23:18The beer sounds incredible right now.
23:20Oh, duh.
23:21Let's go.
23:22You're buying.
23:26Meredith, I am so sorry about today.
23:28Forget about it.
23:29I just did not realize how hard it was gonna be without Jim.
23:34I mean, I really respect you for being a single mom all these years.
23:38It whipped my ass in half a week.
23:39Here's a tip.
23:41Screw around all you want.
23:42But don't bring a guy into your child's home.
23:46In a pinch, use the garage and do him on the porch.
23:49Of course. I would never screw around.
23:51Hey, I don't judge.
23:52I mean, life is to be enjoyed.
23:54Have a Crisco party. Get it on with the priest.
23:56I would not do that.
23:57But it's about the kids. That's sacred.
24:00You know what I'm talking about?
24:01I get the gist.
24:03Dress up like a jockey and do the Penn State lacrosse team.
24:05I don't care.
24:06But the kids come first.
24:15Meredith, I have to say there are not a lot of people who could pull off a shaved head, but
24:19you are rocking it.
24:20Right?
24:22I got the bartender's phone number when you were in the john.
24:24I'm gonna take that freak to bone town before the night is over.
24:35This one's for all you ladies out there.
24:41I can't.
24:42Not yet.
24:42I'm going to take that freak.
24:45Leuten and then come back.
24:47My mother says when you're going to live your life, mum.
24:53Oh mother dear, we're not the fortunate ones.
24:57And girls, they want to have, fuck, oh, girls just want to have, fuck!
25:30Oh, my God.
25:34Oh, my God.
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