- 2 days ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Tonight, we've moved Roast Battle Canada to the Just for Laughs Festival in Montreal.
00:05And if you thought our comedians were vile, ignorant, irredeemable miscreants before,
00:11they still are, but now we're in Quebec!
00:13I'm Ennis Esmer and this is Roast Battle Canada!
00:30Roast Battle! Roast Battle! Roast Battle! Roast Battle!
00:35Welcome to the show that will make you wish you didn't speak English.
00:41We are back for Season 5 of Roast Battle Canada and we have a new home at the Just for
00:46Laughs Festival!
00:51Yes, we thought Montreal was the perfect location for Roast Battle because the people here love comedy.
00:57And they're really fucking rude!
01:01So buckle up, Montreal! And when I say buckle up, I mean it.
01:04They do not know how to drive out here.
01:06This is Roast Battle Canada!
01:11And now, let's meet our judges.
01:14Up first is a man who is the opposite of Celine Dion because his heart won't go on.
01:19It's K. Trevor Wilson!
01:24Oh, Ennis, it's good to see you again.
01:26How is it that the show has just started and you already look sweaty and broken?
01:34Our next judge is a woman who was built for this city because her vagina looks like Montreal smoked meat.
01:41What?
01:44Give it up for the judge who would punch me if she wasn't saving her fist for nighttime fun.
01:49It's Sabrina Jalise!
01:56Ennis, you're so confident for a man that looks like a wet mop at a shawarma place.
02:03You're tiny, you're hairy, you're strange to look at.
02:06You're like a LeBooBoo, but not likable.
02:11All right, our final judge is like Montreal's Big O Stadium because he was impressive a few decades ago,
02:17but now is just a crumbling mess that's sad to look at.
02:20Give it up for the big, oh no, it's Russell Peters!
02:30Good to see you, Ennis.
02:32You look like the bathroom floor after I've shaved my balls.
02:38Your face, your face, yeah.
02:41Basically from the neck up.
02:42Yeah.
02:43I don't care about the neck down.
02:45I've heard that about you.
02:48And now, let's get to the battle.
02:51It's Faris Satya versus Dino Archie.
02:58My name's Faris Satya, and I'm about to roast this shit out of Dino Archie.
03:02Hey, I'm Dino Archie.
03:03I'm here to fuck some shit up.
03:05I'm starting with a barbecue, and we roasting Africans today.
03:08I'm the perfect opponent because I am unbound by white guilt.
03:12Yeah, man, you just wish he wasn't sold.
03:14That's all.
03:14And if I lose, I'm calling ice and getting his ass deported.
03:18Give it up for Faris Satya!
03:28And Dino Archie!
03:40Faris Satya, Dino Archie.
03:42Judges, let's size this one up.
03:44Kate Trev.
03:45Seeing the three of you on stage, I'm just hoping Nabisco never makes a hummus Oreo.
03:56They pulled me into it.
03:58All right.
03:58Sabrina, your thoughts?
04:00I'm excited.
04:01It looks like two very different styles.
04:03One of them won't share his forehead.
04:04The other one's almost showing his tits.
04:08I'm most excited for Russell because it looks like you're about to hear your favorite word.
04:16Which one of you is going to say,
04:17Anis, you're fired?
04:20Okay, let's get this battle started.
04:22Faris, are you ready?
04:23Party time.
04:24All right.
04:25I believe you.
04:25Dino, you ready?
04:26Loser goes back to Africa.
04:28Damn.
04:29Okay, audience, are we ready?
04:32Let's roast!
04:37Forrest has the physique of a WNBA player.
04:42All I'm saying is Sabrina tried to fuck him backstage and then getting an abusive lesbian relationship with him.
04:52Yeah, she bought me a Subaru.
04:54I don't know, you're calling me a lesbian.
05:02You're dressed like Brittany Griner.
05:09Dino got the energy of a man that stole a truck at the L.A. riots and then calmed down
05:15in his later years.
05:18Dino's what would happen if the phrase,
05:20Listen here, young blood, became a person.
05:24Let me hold something, nephew.
05:26Let me hold something, man.
05:29All right, Forrest's tour is sponsored by World Vision.
05:36In collaboration with USAID, which I voted to defund.
05:42No, it's personal, man, because Forrest is an African Muslim.
05:46You know, and so this is payback for 9-11.
05:51Because of his people, I got to take off my shoes in the airport.
05:56But to be fair, 9-11 was an inside job.
06:00Turns out there weren't any terrorists on there, just two women pilots.
06:08Who was that for?
06:12Come on, man, let me come.
06:13What was that?
06:15Let me be toxic, man.
06:16Who are you?
06:18This guy's gonna come up here.
06:20He's like, you know the real problem?
06:21Women.
06:22Let me tell you.
06:27He's always like, oh, you guys did 9-11.
06:29I'm like, you guys did January 6th.
06:31He was the only nigga there.
06:32Fun fact.
06:35Hey, man, MAGA, man, make Africa great again.
06:40Speaking of J6, K-Trev looks like he cosplays as a J6 intruder.
06:48We're called insurrectionists.
06:52I don't know what I have to say about you.
06:55Okay.
06:57It's hard to believe you're in this battle without your traditional Sudanese tribal drip.
07:05You know, dress shoes, Adidas track pants, and a Utah Jazz 1996 Western Conference Championship T-shirt.
07:13It's like you're a value village icon, but for Africa.
07:20Boy, that was a mouthful.
07:21Okay.
07:23A lot of reference points there.
07:24This is proof that Americans are bad at English.
07:31Hey, wait, whoa down.
07:33You motherfuckers don't even like English.
07:40Battle, battle, battle.
07:44Battle, battle, battle.
07:46Dino is a fashion icon, a sex symbol.
07:50I mean, look at him, always wearing his leopard print leather and shit.
07:54He's got the taste of Prince and the appetite of Prince Andrew.
08:02Forrest's dad is a proud, accomplished immigrant.
08:06And he, I met him, he told me, you know, he was like, in my country, I was an astronaut.
08:14I was a doctor.
08:16I was the president.
08:18And I said, I think I'm in the wrong Uber.
08:28You are one of eight siblings.
08:30Love Ike Turner, not for his music.
08:35And you used to be a phone salesman.
08:38Fam, you're more African than I am.
08:44Last joke.
08:46That was good, man.
08:47Forrest is a proud, proud of his Sudanese heritage.
08:53But he's afraid to get deported.
08:57He doesn't even order ice in his drinks.
09:02Just warm giraffe piss.
09:07Yo, real quick.
09:08Doesn't Dino look like Franklin the Turtle grew up to be a black Republican?
09:13Doesn't he?
09:15Woo!
09:16Yeah.
09:17Oh!
09:19In fact, he is the latest in an inspiring lineup of turtle-looking, problematic black men.
09:28Cosby.
09:29R. Kelly.
09:30Diddy.
09:32Dino.
09:36All innocent.
09:37They call them the...
09:44They call them the middle-aged mutant nigger turtles.
09:52Let's go.
09:54I'll go.
09:55I'll go.
09:57That's the end of my career.
10:03R. Kelly.
10:04Tia and Dino Archie, ladies and gentlemen.
10:09That's the most fun I ever had, watching a show.
10:12All right, judges, let's hear it.
10:13K-Trip, your thoughts?
10:15That's exactly what we like Rose battling to be.
10:18Mean, unnecessarily, and fucking funny as hell.
10:22I really enjoyed that.
10:23You guys did an amazing job.
10:27I'd like to tell you what my favorite jokes were,
10:29but I'm not allowed to say that word.
10:32Sabrina, your thoughts?
10:33I never thought when you guys walked out here
10:36that it would be, like, the most lesbian-centered roast
10:39on Roast Battle.
10:40We had Subarus, Brittany Griner, WNBA,
10:43and, yeah, I was flirting with you, Forrest,
10:45but I was just trying to see the other half of your face.
10:49Russell, your thoughts?
10:50This was, see, now this is what I'm talking about.
10:53This was fun.
10:53It was like watching the Black Smothers Brothers out there.
10:57And this is, and an American and an African in Canada
11:01proves that they really do come here and take our jobs.
11:06All right, it's time to pick a winner.
11:08K-Trip, who you got?
11:10I had this score very close,
11:11but ultimately, because he came out so strong off the top,
11:15I'm going with Dino Archie on this.
11:17All right, that's one for Dino.
11:19That's one.
11:22Sabrina.
11:22What can I say?
11:24I'm voting for Forrest.
11:26Whoa!
11:27We got a tie!
11:29One for Forrest, one for Dino.
11:31Russell, it comes down to you.
11:32This was not an easy one to pick.
11:35This was like an auction in the 1800s.
11:37Oh!
11:38I, uh...
11:39Ooh!
11:40Oh!
11:42Ugh!
11:44That's a nasty man right there.
11:46Russell!
11:47Who is your winner?
11:49Just neck and neck,
11:50and, uh, I gotta go with the guy
11:52from the country with longer necks.
11:53I'm going with Ferris.
11:56Uh...
11:57Ferris Atiyah is your winner!
11:59Ferris!
12:00Atiyah!
12:01But keep it going for both of them.
12:03Dino Archie,
12:04Ferris Atiyah,
12:05that was incredible.
12:07Man, oh, man.
12:09All right, that is it for part one.
12:12But up next, we have a battle so breathtaking,
12:15K-Trip is already warming up the sleep apnea machine.
12:18More roast battle after this!
12:33Welcome back to Roast Battle Canada,
12:36the only show that's part of the prep stages
12:38of a colonoscopy.
12:39And before we go any further,
12:41let me introduce our newest addition,
12:43DJ Killa Jewel!
12:52And now let's get to the battle.
12:54It's Jackie Pirico versus Alistair Ogden!
13:00People can expect a lot of hurt feelings
13:02because Alistair and I are actually both quite sensitive.
13:05Well, I know Jackie is going to struggle
13:06because writing roast jokes involves thinking about
13:08someone other than yourself.
13:12Get ready because as soon as I get my hands on a stepstool,
13:14I'm going to kick your ass.
13:15I'm going to win with my charisma, uniqueness, nerve,
13:19and talent.
13:21Give it up for Jackie Pirico!
13:31And Alistair Ogden!
13:42Judges, let's size this one up.
13:44K-Trev!
13:46I'm excited for this one.
13:47This one looks like Nickelodeon presents an Amber Alert.
13:52Sabrina?
13:53I mean, Jackie's one of my favorites.
13:55She's been on the show many times.
13:56Very funny.
13:58And I don't know a lot about penises,
13:59but I'm guessing based on Alistair's height,
14:01Jackie is the exact size of his dick,
14:04so that's going to be interesting to watch.
14:07Russell, your thoughts?
14:09I mean, I'm excited about this,
14:10just looking at the height difference
14:11between the two of them.
14:12It's one short lady versus a tall lesbian,
14:14so this is going to be good.
14:16Okay, let's get this battle started, Jackie.
14:19Are you ready?
14:19I'm ready.
14:20Alistair, are you ready?
14:22I am ready.
14:23Audience, are we ready?
14:25Well then, let's roast!
14:31So I took the train into Montreal,
14:33whereas Alistair flew in
14:35with his flux capacitor from the year 1939.
14:39Look at him,
14:40they don't even make that face anymore.
14:43Doesn't it look like he should be in sepia tone?
14:45It looks like he just stepped out
14:46of a Canadian heritage minute.
14:49I think Jackie's big break is coming soon.
14:52I think Jackie's big break.
14:53All Jackie needs, right,
14:55is just some executive in Hollywood to go,
14:59what if Minions had tits?
15:10Nobody's ever said that I have tits before.
15:14This rocks.
15:16Something about Alistair is that his parents
15:18are still together and happily married,
15:20and just by looking at him,
15:22I can only assume that what's kept them together
15:24all these years is their strong sibling bond.
15:37I don't know, yeah, this is cool, actually.
15:40Jackie did get hired recently
15:42to host a morning radio show.
15:44Pretty cool, pretty cool.
15:46Yeah.
15:48And I think it was the perfect job for her
15:52because she actually was already up
15:54at 4 a.m. every morning
15:55squealing and scurrying through dumpsters.
16:00Alistair, if you haven't noticed,
16:02he does have trouble making eye contact,
16:03and it's not just the autism.
16:06If you look closely,
16:08his pupils are in two different time zones.
16:10It looks like this guy can see both weekends
16:12from a Wednesday.
16:14I don't know what she's talking about.
16:18Jackie's Instagram is mostly just videos of animals
16:22with her doing this kind of
16:24in-character voiceover over the top.
16:27It sounds like this.
16:29Oh, somebody fuzzy is there.
16:33And she's been working on this character for years.
16:36In the last few months,
16:38she finally got what we all kind of thought she deserved.
16:43Her husband left her.
16:52I miss him.
16:54I really miss him.
16:58Mass joke!
17:06So before Alistair ever started comedy,
17:09he worked as a camp counselor.
17:12And of course, the camp is no longer in operation,
17:15but they do do guided tours,
17:17and trigger warning,
17:18the shoe pile is a little bit upsetting.
17:24Jackie has a cat named Nutland.
17:27Yeah, a cat named Nutland.
17:30It's actually named after Jackie's face.
17:41Because that's where the nut lands.
17:49Alistair Ogden and Jackie Pirico, let them hear it!
17:53Wow!
17:55All right, K-Trev, how was that battle for you?
17:57No, it was really funny.
17:59Jackie, it's so great to see you again.
18:01I'm glad your insurance is finally covering dental.
18:06But no, great battle.
18:07Awesome job, you guys.
18:09All right.
18:09That was a deep cut.
18:10That was a deep cut.
18:11Season one cut.
18:13Sabrina, your post-game analysis.
18:15You're both very funny.
18:16True fact, in real life,
18:18tall people die before short people,
18:20and that fact applies to roasts.
18:26Sorry.
18:27I'm trying to be mean, too.
18:30It doesn't look good on me.
18:31You guys are both very funny.
18:33All right, Russell.
18:35This is life-size, right?
18:36Yeah.
18:36It's good.
18:38But I enjoyed that.
18:39I like when you get mean.
18:41I like when you both get mean.
18:42All right, judges, let's pick a winner.
18:44K-Trib, who you got?
18:45I thought Jackie came in really strong off the top.
18:48I thought Alistair was struggling a bit.
18:49And then when he started hitting the divorce stuff,
18:51he really hit his stride.
18:53But overall, point for point,
18:55I'm going with Jackie Pirico on this one.
18:57All right.
18:59It's one for you, Jackie.
19:01Sabrina, who's your winner?
19:02I really loved your minion with tits joke,
19:05but I'm going to have to vote for the minion with tits.
19:08I'm voting for Jackie.
19:10That's two for Jackie.
19:12And Russell.
19:13Well, I thought Jackie started off great,
19:15and then Alistair came in with a strong finish,
19:18and I'm going to lean towards Alistair.
19:20However, because of majority rules,
19:22Jackie is the winner.
19:23Your winner is Jackie Pirico, everybody.
19:26Let them hear it.
19:28Okay, we're going to take a quick break
19:30so everyone in this Montreal audience
19:32can smoke their hourly carton.
19:34Final judgments after this.
19:50Welcome back to Rose Battle Canada.
19:52If you're just joining us,
19:54you haven't missed anything
19:55that you won't be able to read
19:56in the court transcripts.
19:59And after such a wild night,
20:01let's go to the panel
20:02for their final judgments.
20:05I think we've learned
20:06you can't be too mean in Rose Battles,
20:09but you can be too nice.
20:11And if you're going to get on this stage,
20:13go for blood,
20:14because that's fucking funny.
20:17Very nice.
20:18All right, we like that.
20:20Sabrina, your final judgments.
20:22That's right, you fucking bitch.
20:25I learned something tonight.
20:27I learned that black people
20:29put their notes in a phone
20:30while white people use regular paper.
20:34Yeah.
20:36All right, Russell,
20:37take us home.
20:37Your final judgments.
20:39My final thought,
20:40it was a great show tonight.
20:42The black guys brought it home,
20:44and I just think it would be
20:46so much better if we had a host.
20:52Well, that's all the time
20:53we have, Montreal.
20:55But in this country,
20:56masochism is bilingual,
20:57so now we'll be repeating
20:59this entire shit show in French.
21:02Bonne nuit, Canada.
21:03And remember,
21:04if you're watching,
21:05you're part of Les Problèmes.
21:06Les Problèmes.
21:38We've got to be running for battle!
21:42We've got to be running for battle!
21:47Battle! Battle! Battle! Battle!
Comments