- 4 hours ago
The Walsh Sisters S01E05 ORGANiC
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00:00What is going on?
00:02Were you off to this early?
00:04Aren't you meant to be in college?
00:05No college today.
00:06Lying.
00:08I actually haven't properly cried yet.
00:11I didn't cry for months when he died.
00:14You know, I don't see any fathers out there.
00:16No one is asking them what their child's shoe size is
00:18or what they may or may not have noticed.
00:20It's okay.
00:20And you're right.
00:22We almost never see any dads in here.
00:24It's just my family letter.
00:25It's to my sister Anna to say sorry about her fiancé.
00:29Oh my God, that's Dr. Shane.
00:30What are you doing?
00:31You did!
00:32You matched!
00:33You're not like anyone else I've ever met, Rach.
00:36Just say you love me, please.
00:39I can't lie to you, Rach.
00:41I don't mind.
00:42Lie to me, please.
00:43I don't mind.
00:44Please.
00:45Guys, I still can't bring myself to cancel the wedding venue.
00:48Why don't you have a memorial?
00:50You could make it a celebration of Aidan.
00:52You were Aidan how you knew him.
00:59Okay.
01:00We're going in here to get memories of Aidan.
01:02That is it.
01:03Do not mention the memorial.
01:05She's gonna find out at some point.
01:06Yeah, well that point is not today, alright?
01:07We don't want to upset her.
01:08Are you sure Anna doesn't just want her there?
01:09Well, she hasn't said anything to me, so I'm staying out of it.
01:11Jesus, you make it sound like we're about to walk across landmines.
01:14Well, we potentially are.
01:15But this will be fine.
01:21Hey, I, I wouldn't let him in.
01:29No, I, I wouldn't, I wouldn't let him in.
01:37He's eyes are close together and he wears a toothy grin.
01:40Don't let him in.
01:45No, I wouldn't let him in.
01:48No, I wouldn't let him in.
01:49No, I wouldn't let him in.
01:51I wouldn't let him in.
01:55No, I wouldn't let him in.
02:10No, no, no, no-
02:25are we allowed to hug you yeah why wouldn't you be in case we pass you heroin god rich you
02:34look
02:35great
02:43I brought you some chocolate I know you love these um yeah no I'm good um I thought it's kind
03:01of
03:01expecting Anna as well I wouldn't hold your breath what's that supposed to mean listen
03:06um Rachel do you have any nice memories of Aiden why are you asking me that we just thought it'd
03:14be
03:15nice you know for Anna to have them I'd like to help her remember do you have your phone I'm
03:22gonna
03:23make slideshow for her oh no I don't have my phone they took it seriously I would die why in
03:28case
03:29attacks a drug dealer some people are sex addicts porn okay okay can we please just focus and Rachel
03:38like anything about Aiden literally anything Rachel I don't know what you want from me and just whatever
03:51comes to your mind you lived with him for several months oh he crossed his legs when he sat uh
03:57he
03:58didn't like whatsapp he was really into American politics really yeah um the red side blue side I
04:08don't know whichever side isn't awful blue was he funny well Anna laughed a lot when he was around
04:14great hilariously funny that's too much clear funny will do yeah but also like did he have any interests
04:20like any hobbies anything oh um he sold his bike online when he moved in with us great what kind
04:26of bike
04:27do you know why does that matter uh well a mountain bike he's outdoorsy e-bike he's an
04:32environmentalist was a unicycle yeah you're a clown okay not helpful you know he didn't like us
04:40us yeah I thought she was thought she was codependent and that we were too family orientated hang on
04:48and he didn't like us or he didn't like you you and Anna can be very clingy clingy it's hard
04:56to be
04:57clingy with someone who doesn't even visit you in rehab Jesus Rachel her fiance just died okay okay so we
05:03know that Aiden was um funny and athletic did Anna tell you that I wrote to her to apologize no
05:14no well it's just easier to blame Rachel for everything look I think we should just go go on
05:21Aiden made Anna laugh he crossed his legs and he sold a bike it's good enough for me or maybe
05:26you
05:27could just give us a ring or something she hasn't had a phone there if you remember anything else I
05:32mean we have a few days until the memorial sorry sorry what um memorial Anna is having a memorial
05:51for Aiden because his parents took him back to America and Anna can't fly punctured long so and
05:58she's planning this while I'm still in here
06:06Maggie there's a lot going on Rachel the memorial is not for you it's for Anna she needs it yeah
06:13she hasn't said anything to us about whether she wants you there or not
06:26go on just leave I don't be like that we've got we've got we've got 45 minutes left
06:33do you want to show us around no seriously leave
06:42Rachel give you some space
06:44yes it's easy
06:48it's okay
07:26Bags at the door. Taxi book for the morning. Better not let me down. Those apps are going
07:34to the dogs. Paul, before you go to London, will you please hang up those shelves?
07:39Max, not now. Where's my passport? I've been asking you for months. Paul. Hi Dad. How are you?
07:57Good, yeah. Dad, would you mind putting up some shelves for me? No, I have the drill and the
08:04shelves are there. They're just two in the sitting room and one in the... Sorry. Sorry Dad,
08:10just one second. What? Hang up the phone, hang up the phone, hang up the phone. I don't need
08:14him to put up some simple shelves. I know how to put up a shelf. I asked you ages ago
08:18and
08:18you've been... I've been busy, you know. Sorry Dad. Paul is now saying that he can do
08:24it and he will. So why don't you come tomorrow? Absolutely. We'll see if it's done.
08:30I will do it right now. Thanks Dad. You're the best. You didn't join us for breakfast. I'm not hungry.
08:49Right, well, listen. I overheard something. Now I know you're about to do laundry with Chris, right?
08:54Yes, Jackie. What law or commandment am I breaking now? No, none, none. It's just that...
08:59Well, I heard Chris tell Neil that he's going to give it to you in the laundry room.
09:03What? Really? Yes. Did he say that? Did he actually use those words?
09:07Yes. I'm going to give it to her. I bet he's huge. Do you want a thong?
09:15No, no. I'm not actually going to have sex with Chris in the laundry room. Are you mental?
09:19Why not? I mean, I would. I mean, a woman has her needs. No, no. I've got a boyfriend.
09:25You absolutely do not. Not anymore. I was there, Rachel. That ship was both sailed and sunk.
09:32Titanic. Good night. Really? Yeah. Don't think I can fix it?
09:37Maybe in a few years. You know, you stay sober. Get your act together. Get some Botox. Dye that hair.
09:44Then, maybe.
09:46Okay. Give me the thong.
09:51All right, go on. Safe flight.
09:53I have no control over the safety of the flight. All right. Hey, come here.
09:58You know, the next time I see you, I might be pregnant.
10:01Oh, yeah. Promise you won't do another test until I get back, okay?
10:06Okay. I promise.
10:09Now, will you hang up that suit as soon as you get into the chat?
10:12Yeah. Do you put a crease in the trousers?
10:13Obviously. You know what Mum says. If you don't have a crease in your trousers, you're one step away from
10:18the dole office.
10:18Fine stance from a woman who's benefited so heavily from the children's allowance.
10:23Okay, be safe. Why do you keep saying that?
10:26I don't know. Maybe, maybe the memorial's getting in on me.
10:29No shit.
10:31I'm sorry you won't be there.
10:33Yeah. So am I. You know how much I love hanging out with the Walsh sisters.
10:38Getting cold cheap and dry all day. Be ashamed to miss that.
10:43Yeah, fair enough. Okay, go on. Safe flight.
11:04Hey. Hey.
11:05Did you know if Maggie's calling out with us this morning?
11:08No. I mean, she's working. Why? Is there anything I can help with?
11:12Oh, I was just going to see if she wants to bring me to work.
11:17Well, I could drive you to work, but...
11:21Are you... Are you ready to go back?
11:25I actually don't know. I just think I need, like, a...
11:28You're not worried about money?
11:29No, no, no. No, I think I...
11:32I'm... No, I'm on full pay. I just think I need a distraction.
11:37Hmm. No. There's post inside on the table.
11:41You could read that, respond. It might pass some time.
11:44Stop pushing that letter on me, Dad.
11:47You know I've already fought with Mum about it.
11:49Okay, I... I don't want any more fights.
11:52I'm just... saying.
11:54Well, don't.
11:56You're all obsessed with me reading that letter from Rachel.
11:58And none of you actually care that any new information that I process
12:01is making me lose parts of Aidan.
12:03Lose parts?
12:04Yeah, I think I'm forgetting him.
12:08I can't remember his smell.
12:11You will. You will remember.
12:13You... You're grieving.
12:15Yeah, but what if I don't?
12:17Like, what if my brain can only hold so much information that anything new...
12:22Erases something old?
12:24That's not how memory works. I have a book.
12:27Yeah, but I don't need a book. I, like, just need...
12:31I don't know. I think I just need, like, my brain...
12:36Can't, like, figure it out. Like, I...
12:41In my mind, he's just gone back for Thanksgiving.
12:42Oh, I know, love. It's awful. It's awful. It's awful.
12:50Do you know what I think?
12:51Mm-hmm.
12:53I think you need to talk to one of your sisters.
12:56And personally, I think you need to talk to Rachel.
13:00The last person I need to speak to is Rachel.
13:04Look, I know you're angry.
13:06Angry, Dad. Angry. Angry is how you think I feel.
13:09Dad, I was angry when she puked in my new handbag.
13:14And I was angry when we missed the first 40 minutes of Taylor Swift
13:16because she couldn't find the tickets.
13:18But, like, Dad, anger is not how I'm feeling right now. Right now.
13:21OK, OK, OK.
13:22All right. Don't get worked up.
13:24Don't get worked up. It's all right.
13:26It's not good for you.
13:28You just don't get it.
13:30What?
13:30You don't get it.
13:49So, are you excited for your freedom?
13:53Yeah.
13:55I know.
13:58I've been here before.
13:59Like, thinking I had a lick leaving treatment
14:02and trying to stay sober on the outside and then...
14:07Well, second time's the charm.
14:10And when I get out, we can hang out and go to meetings and stuff.
14:14Help each other, you know?
14:16Yeah, I'll definitely be whacking the meetings in anyway.
14:19Ninety and ninety all the way.
14:23What?
14:24Ninety meetings in ninety days, like...
14:26Oh.
14:28Yeah.
14:29That sounds quite an addict-y.
14:32Yeah, but I've had to be addicted to something.
14:34Meetings aren't the worst, right?
14:36Hmm.
14:39Well...
14:42I'm really gonna miss you.
14:46Yeah, well, sure.
14:47Look, you'll probably be out yourself in a few weeks, right?
14:52I mean...
14:53You'll have to fill me in on all the drama I'm gonna miss in here.
14:56Hmm.
14:57Hmm.
14:58And you'll have to mind me and take me to all those meetings.
15:20Just leave this.
15:22You're a menace to surprise me.
15:24I know.
15:24No.
15:28No.
15:29No, no, no, no, no.
15:30Oh, Reggie, hey, Reggie.
15:32Oh, you don't want this, okay?
15:35This could destroy us, like...
15:36No.
15:37This could destroy us.
15:38You could destroy me.
15:39Oh, fuck.
15:45No.
15:46No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
15:48Reggie, Reggie, Reggie, Reggie.
15:49I can't, I can't do this.
15:50I can't.
15:50Okay, this is like, I've made this mistake before, okay?
15:56Mistake?
15:57No.
15:58I'm a mistake, thanks very much.
16:00No, you didn't mean that.
16:00I just meant, like, I can't relapse again.
16:03I haven't even out of here yet.
16:06Jackie told me that you told her that you were gonna give it to me in the laundry room.
16:13Oh, my God, I meant this.
16:15I was gonna give you this.
16:15You missed breakfast, like...
16:20Oh, my God.
16:22Fucking Jackie.
16:25Oh, Reggie, I really like you.
16:28I really like you.
16:29I just, I can't, I don't want this trouble again, you know?
16:33Am I trouble?
16:36I'm sorry, it's just...
16:39I'm sorry, it's not right.
16:48Is that okay?
16:50Yeah, okay.
16:51We're on.
16:59When you're done, come into my office.
17:03You're not taking this seriously.
17:06He asked to do laundry with me.
17:08He was flirting with me.
17:09Was he?
17:10You're so vulnerable to other people's attention, you'd do anything to feel their warmth.
17:16I don't care about getting other people's attention.
17:20It's actually nice to be forgotten for a while.
17:23Would it?
17:24I think you constantly feel forgotten.
17:27Well, you're twisted, you just put thoughts in people's heads.
17:29You're mistaking Chris's honesty with you for intimacy.
17:34I'm not.
17:35Nothing happened.
17:37Because Chris is further along than you are, and had the strength not to use you.
17:44Use me?
17:46He would never do that.
17:47I'm gonna tell him you said that.
17:49Yeah, do.
17:50I will.
17:51It's hard to feel used sexually, but it's worse if no one wants to use you.
18:03What the fuck does that mean?
18:04Your reaction to Chris saying no shows how desperate you are for other people's approval.
18:10Oh, my God.
18:12Oh, my God.
18:14You're painful.
18:17The shit that you come out with and you think you're being inspiring.
18:21Your rudeness is a weapon and an armor, and both are useless.
18:25See?
18:26Just more of your bullshit.
18:28Keep trying, you know it's true.
18:31Nothing you've ever said to me is true.
18:34You're a fucking charlatan.
18:35You give people insecurities so you can swoop in and solve them.
18:39I'm not an idiot, Rachel.
18:41You get validation from having sex with men because it makes you feel chosen, and you never felt chosen at
18:48home.
18:49Shut up, you fucking barren bitch.
18:53I know you.
18:55You're just one of those childless old women who gets jobs where you can treat people like kids.
19:17You care for the kids.
19:30You're just one of those kids.
19:39Anna!
19:40Will you come here, please?
19:42What?
19:42Will you come here?
19:47Here, I have this really gross spell on my back.
19:49Will you pop it for me?
19:50Sit down.
19:51You're not allowed to screech or hit me.
19:53Well, they don't hurt me this time.
19:55Fine, I don't.
19:55Please, Anna.
20:01I know.
20:06Al keeps shying on about some letter from Rachel.
20:09Yeah, I know. He does to me too.
20:10Will you ever stop?
20:11I know.
20:12I opened it.
20:15What?
20:16Oh, come on, Anna.
20:17It's not a Ouija board.
20:18A demon's not going to pop out if I open an envelope.
20:21Helen, that was my post to open.
20:23Yeah, but you were never going to open it.
20:25Come on, take my back.
20:28Ow!
20:29You bitch!
20:30It was deep, it was deep, it was deep.
20:38It was a waste of a stamp anyway.
20:41Sorry, what do you mean it was blank?
20:42May as well have been.
20:44She said that she was sorry that she's stuck inside when you need her.
20:48Wishes that you would talk to her, you'd visit her.
20:52And did she apologise?
20:53Not really, no.
20:54Does she have any sense of...
20:56Look, Anna, it's downstairs if you want to read it.
21:18Are you alright, Marcus?
21:20Yeah.
21:21All good.
21:23Alright, I'm off.
21:25Anywhere interesting.
21:26God, you smell fab.
21:28College, Maggie?
21:29Oh, yeah.
21:30How's that going?
21:31Hi, Kate.
21:34Helen Watch, what have you done?
21:36What did you do to the back of your head?
21:37Oh, don't, Mum.
21:38I have to go.
21:41The bottom half of her hair is gone.
21:44Mum, it's just hair.
21:46It'll grow back.
21:47It'll grow back.
21:48I wonder about her sometimes.
21:50Yeah, she's a bit cryptic.
21:52Well, thank God I have one uncomplicated daughter.
21:57Flora, what's the story?
21:58What are you going to wear now for this memorial?
22:00My funeral coat is too heavy for going to be indoors all day.
22:02I was going to wear, like, my navy work suit.
22:06Navy.
22:07Oh, God.
22:07No, Margaret.
22:08Come on, it has to be black.
22:10You should wear your black dress with the gold.
22:12It's very slimming.
22:14Yeah.
22:15Yeah, that was an option, too.
22:17Good.
22:18Good, girl.
22:19Now, I have to get up to the centre before they close,
22:21get something new, and I want to book a blow-dry for Anna for the morning.
22:25Mum, I really don't think Anna is going to want to get her hair blow-dried in the morning.
22:28We all have to be presentable, every one of us.
22:32Maureen Kilfeather had two fascinators on standby when Deirdre got married.
22:35It's not a wedding.
22:37We need to let people see what the wedding could have been.
22:40Now, why are you fighting with me and this?
22:44I'm not.
22:45I'm not fighting you at all, Mum.
22:47I agree with you completely.
22:49Good God.
22:51Do you need anything from the centre?
22:52No.
22:53Actually, yeah, Mum, would you pick up some cornflakes?
22:57No, no, they're full of sugar.
22:58There's porridge up there in the press.
23:05Porridge and cornflakes are not the same thing, are they?
23:11We're going to have to get some cornflakes.
23:39Uh-oh.
23:45Bleh.
24:04I don't know.
24:26I don't know.
24:48I don't know.
24:49Dan, hi.
24:50It's good to see you.
24:52Can I give you a hug?
24:54Yeah.
24:58I only heard the news on Monday.
25:00I'm so sorry, love.
25:03Thanks.
25:04Sorry, I probably should have told you.
25:06Just, head's been all over the shop.
25:07Stop, don't be silly.
25:11How's Rachel?
25:13Fine.
25:14Is she?
25:16Haven't heard from her for a long while now.
25:19How's she managing?
25:21She's on a holiday.
25:23On holidays?
25:23Yes.
25:25After Aidan died, whoa.
25:27Came for Rachel, that's a tad.
25:30Dan, I'd love to chat, but I...
25:32Someone called Janie.
25:34Dropped in this field.
25:36She called into ours, but I told her you were probably at your focus.
25:39What did she say?
25:41What did she look...
25:41What did she...
25:44What did she look like?
25:46Hmm.
25:47Seven.
25:49Brunette.
25:50Petite.
25:51Great teeth.
25:52American, I think.
25:54She...
25:55Said she just wanted to talk and...
25:57Would you give her a call?
25:58Yeah.
26:00Thanks.
26:01I...
26:03I know Rachel.
26:04Fluggie's great.
26:05It's a tough time.
26:07Go easy on yourself.
26:09No charge.
26:10Obviously.
26:21Fuck.
26:23It's a tough time.
26:25I'm gonna take a nap, so you know.
26:29Don't love me.
26:31Don't love me.
26:32Don't wanna need you and you won't need me too.
26:36Don't wanna tell you this now, but it wouldn't be right...
26:41If I...
26:42Didn't tell you this tonight.
26:47Oh, yes.
26:52I'm going to love you.
26:54Now you're back inside my house again
26:58I'm trying deeper to explain
27:03Cause baby I wanna get it on
27:07And baby, you're the one for me
27:12Now that I've got you all alone
27:15After all this talking on the phone
27:43Now that I've got you all alone
27:54Hey, was just thinking about you
27:57So, are Converse 2 casual for our first date?
28:01Never mind
28:01Would you like to meet earlier?
28:03Get a drink or two before dinner?
28:05Is that too many questions?
28:07Please, please don't hate me for this
28:09Okay, I just
28:11I'm sitting here about to put my makeup on
28:13And I just really, really want to be on my own
28:16Okay
28:16It's just
28:19It's been so crazy
28:20With my sisters in the hospital
28:21And I just really
28:24Well, it's just really lovely to
28:27Sit in silence
28:29Yeah
28:29I just want to potter
28:32Is that okay?
28:35Do you hate me?
28:38Absolutely not
28:39But I just want to make sure
28:40This isn't the polite way to ghost me
28:42No
28:43No, definitely not
28:44It's just nice to have absolutely no one around
28:47And not be tripping over people
28:48Or Lego
28:48Or have someone need me
28:51Okay
28:51I'm going to hang up now
28:52Before I start taking this personally
28:55Okay, bye
28:55I'll see you soon
29:17Hiya, Luke
29:17Hi, Mags
29:20Is Anna around?
29:21No, actually, she's not
29:22I haven't seen her
29:23Your dad here?
29:25No
29:25He's gone to Dundrum
29:26To collect Mum
29:27And get some dinner
29:28Oh, right, nice
29:30Are you okay?
29:31Do you want to come in?
29:32It's just me here
29:33Kate's in bed
29:34Yeah
29:35Sorry, Maggie
29:36I don't really know why I'm here
29:37To be honest
29:38I went to go and see Rachel
29:40And
29:41I don't know
29:42I feel a bit weird about the whole thing
29:43Come on in
29:44I'll put on the kettle
29:47Okay
29:48And Mum was telling me
29:49That you have to say
29:50Everything like
29:51In front of the whole group
29:52Yeah
29:54Yeah, like I felt like such a bully
29:56They told me it would help her
29:58If I was brutally honest
29:59So I was
30:00They said that she's as sick as her secrets
30:03Whatever that means
30:06Well, I don't know what that means
30:07But I know that she's gonna
30:10Eventually know that you were just trying to help her
30:12Will she?
30:13Yeah
30:14I saw how hurt she was, Mags
30:17I mean, I thought I didn't love her
30:20But you do
30:20Of course I love her
30:23I just don't know where we go from here
30:30I would ask you to come back to my house
30:33But I've got, like, my cousins are staying there at the moment
30:34So it's not worth it
30:35No, it's fine
30:36I, um, I have a lecture
30:38But are you?
30:39Yeah, yeah
30:39That's what I'm doing
30:40Oh, God
30:40See, your woman is going to be on Dancing with the Stars
30:43I don't know half the people in that programme anymore
30:46I mean, who even is she?
30:47Only the daughter of your man with the radio voice
30:49Mm-hmm
30:51All right
30:58Mary
31:01Helen
31:03It is
31:03At least she's got the school back
31:05God forgive me for doubting her
31:07I never actually thought she was going to those lectures
31:25Well, what are you doing?
31:27What?
31:28Mary!
31:33Oh, fuck
31:34What?
31:37Um
31:38Is that your mum?
31:39Yeah
31:39Helen Walsh
31:40Mum
31:42You okay?
31:43You were supposed to be the easy one
31:45The fifth child is supposed to slot right in
31:47I already have a troublemaker
31:48A drama queen
31:49An unreliable and a people pleaser
31:50Come on, Helen
31:51Give me a break
31:51Will you please stop?
31:53No, will you stop?
31:54No
31:54No, I'm not going to change my life
31:56Because you're a homophobe
31:58A homophobe?
32:01I don't give a shit
32:02Who?
32:03You're kissing me
32:03The man, woman
32:04Are fecking gender fluid
32:06But
32:07Vaping
32:08My daughter
32:10A vapist
32:12Fifth?
32:13You said you were an early child
32:15Aye
32:15Well, that's a really weird thing to lie about
32:17Why would you lie about that?
32:18You were full on catfish
32:19No
32:20No, Sam
32:21No, look
32:21No, I
32:24There are no long-term studies
32:25About the effects of vaping
32:26Could you not just be normal
32:27And smoke a cigarette?
32:32She seems kind of nice
32:35What's a catfish?
32:36You wouldn't understand
32:38Well, I might
32:38Try me
32:46So go on
32:47How was your night?
32:48Did you get some rest?
32:51Yeah, did you?
32:52Well, no, actually
32:53Because Garb didn't text me back
32:55And no matter what is going on with us
32:56We always text each other back
32:58And then he rang this morning to say
32:59Oh, sorry, he was stuck in meetings
33:01And
33:02You don't believe him?
33:03But that's happened before, hasn't it?
33:05No, I do believe him
33:06I'm just afraid that the schedule and everything's pissed him off
33:09Ah, Mags
33:10You just think you're being too sensitive
33:12Just one night
33:14Probably hormonal
33:16Possibly
33:17Yeah
33:25I cancelled my date last night
33:28I know
33:30I was really looking forward to it
33:33I was just so tired
33:34And the idea of a night alone
33:37You know, no Kate
33:38No
33:41Talking questions
33:42No fights over brushing teeth
33:44That I just
33:49Am I terrible?
33:50No, you're not terrible
33:51I just
33:52I'm sorry that you find it so hard
33:58Sometimes I just wish I was child free
34:00You know?
34:02I can't wish that now
34:03I love Kate
34:04I just wish I'd never had her
34:05No, because
34:08Because now she's here
34:09My life would be destroyed
34:10If anything happened to her
34:11I love her
34:11She's mine
34:14I don't know
34:15If I'd never had her
34:16Never met her
34:16I think I would have a really beautiful life
34:18Child free
34:20Thank you
34:23Midget
34:25Shove up
34:34So?
34:35Mum tells me you're a lesbian now
34:37Excuse me?
34:39Jesus, Claire
34:39What?
34:40Said she saw you kissing a girl down by the village
34:42No, and that makes me a lesbian now, does it?
34:44Does it not?
34:45Fundamentally, yes
34:45No, it doesn't
34:48Well, then what are you?
34:50What do you mean, what am I?
34:51What?
34:52Come on, I can't be dealing with all this woke stuff
34:55Are you gay or not?
34:56No, I just
34:57You know, there's so few sound people in the world
34:59That if I meet one
35:00I tend to want to spend more time with them
35:03Fair
35:05Yeah, and wise
35:06Very wise
35:07Oh my god
35:12This is an oat latte, right?
35:15Hey, love
35:16Just leaving work
35:17I'll see you at home
35:18I'll pick up Chinese on the way
35:20Love you
35:22Hi
35:28Hey
35:30I'm at home
35:31I think about you all the time
35:33I have a pain in my stomach for missing you
35:37Feels like I have appendicitis
35:39Don't even have my appendix
35:41Do you have your appendix?
35:45I never asked about your appendix
35:48Or your tonsils
35:49I am never going to know more about you than I already know
35:55And it makes me feel like I can't stand up straight
36:00I just
36:03Don't know what to do, Aidan
36:07It's not fair
36:10It's not fair
36:16No
36:17It's just going to be Dan trying to give me drugs
36:19No, it's not
36:24Stay
36:25Please
36:29Stay
36:42Joni?
36:48Is
36:51Whose baby is us?
36:54Can I come in?
36:57Yeah
36:58Do you want a home?
37:12Do you want to hold him?
37:14No
37:15Sorry
37:17I can't
37:18That's okay
37:21I know it's a lot for you to take in
37:23It was a lot for him too
37:25Oh
37:26Yeah, I should have said it sooner
37:28I just
37:29Well, I wasn't sure
37:31And
37:32He was so happy with you
37:35Sorry
37:36Sorry, this is just too
37:39Fucking strange
37:40You're trying to tell me that that baby
37:43Is half Aidan's
37:44But Aidan also loved me
37:46But
37:47Didn't tell me he had a child
37:48He didn't know
37:49Until the day of the car crash
37:54I swear to you
37:56Aidan and I, we grew up together
37:58I mean, we've known each other our whole lives
38:00We moved here together
38:01And
38:02We loved each other
38:03But
38:04We were never in love
38:06We weren't made for each other
38:08At the moment he met you
38:09He was
38:11Obsessed
38:11We
38:12We all went for goodbye drinks
38:15And he spoke about you to everyone
38:16Sorry not to be rude
38:17But can you just
38:20Get to the part where you get pregnant with his child
38:23It's not the prettiest story
38:24I mean, it's Aidan
38:28We
38:28We sometimes
38:30Rarely
38:31Hooked up when
38:33We were drunk
38:34Before you
38:35Obviously
38:36But
38:37Well, just before
38:38I was
38:41Seeing somebody at the time
38:42So I didn't tell Aidan
38:43I was pregnant
38:43I didn't want to make things weird
38:45But
38:46You know, I was with Mark
38:47And
38:49Aidan was with you
38:50And
38:51But he drifted
38:53Naturally
38:55So why did you blow up his whole life?
38:57Why not just keep it yourself?
38:58Because once I knew this child was Aidan's
39:00I couldn't keep that from him
39:01He would have been an amazing father
39:04Is that what?
39:05I'm just meant to be okay
39:06With the fact that you have my fiancé's baby
39:08And I'm never going to get that chance
39:09I'm not saying you have to be okay with it
39:14It was wrong of me to come here
39:15I just thought
39:17This is all that's left of a man
39:19That we both really cared about
39:20And I
39:22Thought it would bring you some kind of odd comfort
39:23I'm sorry
39:24I can't do this
39:25I
39:27I just can't do this on my own
39:28I'm so sorry
39:29You're going to have to leave
39:30Okay
39:57I'm so proud of you
39:58See you soon, all right?
40:00There we go
40:02To your majesty
40:06All right, I'm gone
40:06I'll see you all at the meeting, all right?
40:08You will, as well
40:33Hey
40:35You said you were off at six.
40:37Well, I've just never spent any time with a doctor.
40:39No, you're right, I haven't.
40:41But I'd like to spend more time with you.
40:43So you're not going to cancel last minute if I ask you out again?
40:48I mean, I hope not.
41:05Yeah?
41:07Um, do you mind if I come in?
41:10Sure.
41:11Okay.
41:23Um, yeah, I just, uh, I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry about what I said.
41:31I was just really angry and embarrassed and I took it out on you.
41:37You sure did.
41:40How did that make you feel?
41:42Great.
41:43And then shit.
41:46Kind of like cocaine.
41:52You know, you're right, Rachel.
41:54I don't have children.
41:56I've made peace with it now, but it took a while.
42:00It was hard to accept that I had wasted every moment of my fertile years with a needle in any
42:07vein I could find.
42:14I, I didn't know, I...
42:16Well, you do know.
42:18We're all the same.
42:20Addicts.
42:21Maybe my experience can help you one day.
42:29I'm really sorry for saying it.
42:30I, I didn't even know if it was true.
42:33I, I...
42:44Do you find silence uncomfortable?
42:49Uh...
42:49I don't know.
42:51Um...
42:52Why?
42:53My eyes is loud.
42:54Work's loud.
42:56My head's really loud.
42:58So, um...
43:00I don't know.
43:01It's just hard to find quiet, I suppose.
43:04I hear you.
43:05I used to only find it when I was running.
43:08Oh.
43:08Don't like running.
43:09I tried it once, but, uh...
43:12It just felt like someone was chasing me, so...
43:15I don't know.
43:16It just made me feel more anxious.
43:20Say more.
43:23I don't know.
43:24I just got this feeling.
43:26I always get it.
43:27It's like...
43:31It's like I'm a...
43:32Raindrop.
43:34That had just hit the sea.
43:36And it swallows me up.
43:37I'm gone.
43:46But, um...
43:50Yeah, I just, uh...
43:53I got lost in it.
43:59And...
44:01Yeah, one day, I just said to myself, I was just like,
44:04Ugh.
44:07What is the point in all this?
44:10I feel like shit.
44:13All the time.
44:18So, um...
44:22I take drugs to stop feeling like shit,
44:24and then the drugs wear off,
44:25and then I just feel worse.
44:30And I was just so tired.
44:34So I just, I ran, and I ran, and then...
44:37I ran until I got to the sea.
44:41And?
44:43Well...
44:45Dad was obsessed with us getting swimming lessons as kids.
44:49So, uh...
44:50I'm actually a really good swimmer.
44:52So there's no point.
44:54That's the first positive thing I ever heard you say about yourself.
44:59Yeah.
45:00Ooh.
45:00I can swim.
45:03Uh...
45:04Yeah, so then, it was just, like...
45:08If I go in, I'm just gonna be...
45:11wet and sad.
45:12Which is objectively worse than just being sad.
45:16So there was no point.
45:19Um...
45:19So what do you do then?
45:21I always just rounded up the usual suspects and got fucked up.
45:26And it was amazing.
45:32I remember the first time I, uh, tried coke,
45:35and I remember thinking,
45:37all these people know the secret, and no one told me.
45:40But I found out for myself.
45:43And then I was like,
45:44I want to know what other secrets these bastards have.
45:47So,
45:49the day I was gonna go into the sea,
45:53cocaine saved me.
45:56Yeah, you're right.
45:58Drugs have saved you.
45:59But they're not working anymore.
46:03How long has it been since you, um...
46:08used?
46:1025 years.
46:13One day at a time.
46:15Wow.
46:16Mm-hmm.
46:18How?
46:19Wow, that's like a whole lifetime.
46:22Meetings.
46:23A good sponsor.
46:26No excitement for about a year.
46:29I mean,
46:29try and stay in the same emotional temperature.
46:33Nothing that makes you too sad,
46:36or too happy,
46:37or too anything.
46:38But you're not ready to leave yet.
46:41Don't worry.
46:42We'll get Celine to go with you to the memorial,
46:45and she'll help you cope with all that emotion.
46:51Well, I just don't think anyone wants to see my face.
46:59Nobody wants me.
47:02Um...
47:04Anna doesn't want me.
47:07Luke doesn't want me.
47:10Chris doesn't even fucking want me.
47:12It is really painful.
47:14But this is everything addiction has taken from you.
47:19So how do I get it back?
47:21I mean...
47:23How do I get everyone to like me again?
47:27You can't, love.
47:29You just have to like yourself.
47:31I don't want you to help.
47:33But I don't.
47:38I don't.
47:40I know.
47:42But you will.
47:4725 years.
47:49I don't want you to take it.
47:59Anna.
47:59Hey.
48:00Are you okay?
48:01We were just talking about the memorial.
48:03I was thinking, maybe, do you want to say a few words?
48:05Yeah, I was going to make a slideshow of photos.
48:07Can I take them from your phone?
48:08We can help you write a speech now.
48:09Do you want to sit down inside?
48:11No.
48:11I'm not going to say anything.
48:12I didn't know him at all.
48:14I literally knew nothing about him.
48:15I'm just stupid and impulsive and never can see that.
48:17And that's why everybody takes advantage of me.
48:19Anna, what are you talking about?
48:20Me to lie down.
48:21We have nothing prepared for tomorrow.
48:23No one cares, Claire.
48:24Do you want us to cancel it?
48:25I don't care.
48:27Well, we can't cancel it.
48:29Because everybody's been invited.
48:30So you go and have your lie down, Anna.
48:32You do the music.
48:33You do the photos.
48:34And if she doesn't want to say anything, she's not.
48:37Nothing.
48:38Nothing.
48:50Has something else happened, Anna?
48:57Baby.
48:59Like, what do you mean?
49:00And then you come into my house with your stupid fucking little pub.
49:04And then I'm meant to just be okay with that.
49:06How am I even?
49:07What am I supposed to do with that?
49:10Who are you talking to?
49:10What?
49:11Myself.
49:13Okay.
49:13Are you responding?
49:15Because that's a sign of psychosis.
49:16No, I'm not responding.
49:17Well, I don't have the answers.
49:19Okay.
49:22What do you need?
49:23Rachel.
49:24I need to speak to Rachel.
49:30Here.
49:31Want some?
49:31Yeah.
49:32Lovely.
49:34No, I don't see sugar.
49:36Oh, come on.
49:36Just eat some.
49:37No, I'm good.
49:38Here, I'll have some.
49:39Rachel, where does your sister live?
49:41I don't know, Blackrock.
49:42Why?
49:44I just thought I'd never seen his chocolate outside of an airport.
49:47Oh, fuck.
49:48What's wrong?
49:50I, uh, forgot about the airport points.
49:54How the fuck am I meant to go on holiday sober?
49:57Thanks.
49:57You'll be all right.
49:58You'll manage.
50:14I watched this lead 20 men in suits flocked to the bar to help this lad who was close to
50:19a relapse.
50:20When you get out, you call me.
50:21I'll take you to a meeting.
50:22You'll be all right.
50:26What?
50:29Anna.
50:31Anna, hi.
50:32Stop, stop.
50:34Are you okay?
50:36Am I okay?
50:38Are you serious?
50:40Yeah, Anna, you look really.
50:44You're scaring me.
50:45Do you want to come and see?
50:46Are you happy?
50:47Right, Jo?
50:49Is this what you wanted?
50:51it's me all to yourself are you fucking happy now you and your awful obsession with yourself
50:57and getting what you want anna no don't even try i never want to hear your voice ever again
51:07did you just come here to have a go with me no rachel i came here because aiden has a
51:13fucking baby with another woman and i realized i have been so dependent on you for my entire life
51:20that i don't even know how i feel about something until i know how you feel about it and then
51:24i come
51:25here and i see your stupid face and your junkie friends and i realized you will never feel how i
51:32do
51:36no you'll always you'll always get what you need you're like a tree growing through the
51:41wall you'll always find a way to make friends and get your own way and you don't give a
51:46shit about who you damage in the process that's not true it's not true i'm so sorry i'm so sorry
51:58actually yeah it is true for everyone else in the world but not you i really really really give a
52:13no no no you don't look please i'm i'm in fucking rehab okay i'm trying
52:28i just want to wipe the slate clean anna it's my slate
52:38so what what about the memorial or the funeral or whatever yeah obviously i want you to come to the
52:45memorial but i don't want you there
52:55what the am i supposed to do with that
53:17you can watch the next episode now press red for eye player and if you've been affected by
53:23addiction details of help and support are available on the bbc action line website or call free at any
53:29time to hear recorded information on our thousand one double nine five nine four seven
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