- 3 hours ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00The following program contains mature subject matter and coarse language. Viewer discretion is advised.
00:06Small Achievable Goals announced their partnership with wellness startup Glowy and Castfest.
00:10Engagement numbers have gone through the roof since launching our partnership.
00:14Proof that women trust Small Achievable Goals' honesty and integrity.
00:18Can't wait to tell you about all their amazing products. It's gonna be fantastic.
00:22I hate myself.
00:23Hey mom, we need a garbage bag for our eco-terrorism project.
00:26Okay. Can I see it?
00:29Yeah.
00:30Whoa, look at this.
00:32It's a little blood lettering. That's fine because it's not real though.
00:34You've got a chainsaw and they're nice because they can cut things.
00:37Which are those special overalls if you ever use one.
00:39And all the forest animals are going in the meat grinder and they're all screaming for their lives.
00:43But I totally understand because maybe you're a vegetarian. That's really good.
00:47Yeah. You know, people chaining themselves to shit for what they believe in is pretty cool.
00:51Yeah, it's really cool to believe in stuff.
00:53It's really cool to sort of not make your best friend do something that they don't want to do
00:58and put them in a vagina outfit. I'm so sorry.
01:00You know what? Do you want an egg bite, honey? Do you want an egg bite?
01:02No.
01:03Mom, we don't have time. I've got to get to school.
01:06Okay, let's move.
01:07Okay, when you're at your dad's tent, I'm going to finish up packing.
01:10You mean start packing?
01:11Potato, potato.
01:12Okay, I love you.
01:13Yep, love you. Don't do anything stupid.
01:15Bye, Chris.
01:16Terrify me.
01:21Oh, did you forget something?
01:24No.
01:26Chris, I was wondering if you would do me the honor of going on a real official...
01:33Date? You want to take me out?
01:35Date.
01:35That's what's happening? Is that what you're saying?
01:37Yeah.
01:37You're asking me, even though you know all the things. Okay. Well, I have a lot of packing to do
01:50tonight, so I don't think that I can go.
01:52I can help.
01:55I'm good.
01:56Do you like Italian?
01:57Oh, I love it.
01:58Okay.
01:59Okay.
01:59Oh, great. It's a date.
02:00All right.
02:03I'll see you.
02:04Oh, I'm going to see you later.
02:06And then she'll take a plate and lean it against a mug, but there's zero chance of any water from
02:12the jet coming in contact with you.
02:16Julie.
02:17Julie.
02:19Julie.
02:20I'm complaining about how you load the dishwasher.
02:23Are you going to interrupt?
02:24No.
02:25Your feelings are valid.
02:28You're not going to rant about work and how I'm lucky I'm not married to Amanda?
02:32You asked me not to talk about that here, so I'm not going to.
02:36Yeah, well, you don't talk about it anywhere anymore, do you? I mean, this is getting spooky.
02:41Hmm.
02:42How are things at work, Julie?
02:44Well, uh, two weeks ago, uh, dressed as a giant vagina, I publicly screwed myself by agreeing to be a
02:51spokesperson for a company that I hate.
02:53I am aware of the irony.
02:55And why did you do it?
02:56Well, Chris asked me to, and I felt that I could not say no.
02:59And how does that make you feel now?
03:01I'm tired.
03:03I'm just tired of fighting.
03:05Pfft.
03:06You see what I'm dealing with?
03:08You'd prefer Julie fight with you.
03:10Yes.
03:11Yes, frankly, yes, I would.
03:12I would prefer that she fights.
03:14I mean, that's who she is.
03:15She can't just quit her personality 20 years into a relationship.
03:19I mean, we're heading towards retirement, okay?
03:22We're downsizing.
03:23We're moving to the country.
03:25Mm.
03:27No, no, I was just thinking about what I was going to have for lunch there.
03:30No, you weren't.
03:31Don't do that.
03:31You know what?
03:32She wasn't.
03:32She wasn't thinking that.
03:34Let your honest thoughts out.
03:35Whenever I mention we're moving to the country, she hates it.
03:38Hates it.
03:40Open fields.
03:41They make you antsy, right?
03:43Better that than the slaughterhouse.
03:44Huh?
03:45What was that?
03:46I'm lining up with the cows, Pete.
03:48I would rather be happy than right.
03:50Who are you?
03:51This was a really productive session.
04:04So this treatment that we're plugging cures menopause?
04:07Mm-mm.
04:07We cannot say cure.
04:09Reversitrol by Glowy alleviates symptoms in 98% of the women who have tested it.
04:15It's like we can't say waterproof, but we can say water-resistant.
04:18So Reversitrol is menopause-resistant.
04:20We gave you a script.
04:21They got the script, right?
04:23They got a script.
04:24Yeah, of course.
04:24I have the script.
04:25We have the script.
04:25It's just that Julie and I, we like to, you know, research things and just really understand
04:29them before we back them.
04:31That's what we do.
04:32Isn't it, Julie?
04:32Don't you think, Julie?
04:33Isn't that what we do?
04:34Say something?
04:35Are you going to say, no?
04:36Oh, okay.
04:37Um, and this one over here, she's just obsessed with this thing called peer, peer-reviewed.
04:42I'm sure the doctor has done his research.
04:44You seem like a guy who does research.
04:47It's my life's work.
04:48The metrics for the test group are in my office.
04:50It's the real deal.
04:51Health Canada doesn't approve snake oil.
04:52But they approve this?
04:53Ball's in their court, but we're expecting good news any day.
04:56And in the meantime, our partnership with Small Achievable Goals has given us a huge boost.
05:01The comments from the last two episodes are amazing.
05:03Very, very cool.
05:05I mean, thanks to your show, we've got 1.5 million in pre-sale orders.
05:09This will help so many women.
05:12Yeah, sounds good.
05:12Thank you so much.
05:13Oh, such cute chairs.
05:15Thanks.
05:18Julie, I don't think he's a real doctor.
05:19I don't think he has a cure for menopause, do you?
05:21Well, the thing's made of yams.
05:23What harm can it do?
05:25I don't know.
05:28Julie, I'm really sorry.
05:29I know that you're doing this because of me.
05:31No, it's like you said, who am I to say what's right for women?
05:34I mean, my opinions are getting me nowhere.
05:36And frankly, I'm tired of fighting.
05:38So.
05:40Okay.
05:43Some help?
05:44No.
05:49Off to be happy.
05:53Hey, you want the good news or the really good news?
05:56Oh, start with the good news?
05:58Okay, your segment at CastFest, Killed, Couldn't Have Gone Better.
06:02Yeah.
06:03Wow.
06:03Okay, so then what is the really good news?
06:07Amanda wants to bump you up to a fall release.
06:11Isn't that amazing?
06:12You start recording tomorrow morning.
06:15Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, sorry.
06:17Tomorrow morning?
06:18Yes!
06:19I'm so excited to share my story.
06:21Hey, what's wrong with you?
06:22You look pale.
06:23It's just how I look when I'm excited.
06:25Perimenopausal women have been suffering for centuries, but they don't have to anymore.
06:31I've created Reversitrol, a revolutionary plant-based phytoestrogen menopause treatment.
06:38Fascinating.
06:39Unfortunately, that is all the time that we have for today.
06:41Visit the Glowy website to check out their custom wellness packages.
06:47Yeah, and when you're at the counter, please enter the code SMALLACHIVABLEGOALS for 10% off the purchase price.
06:54Yay!
06:54Well, that was so much fun.
06:56Takes me back to my acting days.
06:58You remember the tomato soup commercial?
07:00Now that's what I call tomato soup.
07:04That's where I know you from.
07:15Hey, Chris, can I help you?
07:16Hi.
07:17I just would like to file an HR complaint.
07:20You'd like to file an HR complaint?
07:22Yeah.
07:22Okay.
07:23Against whom?
07:24Myself.
07:25Okay.
07:27I'll get your file.
07:28Yeah, yeah.
07:29Sure, great.
07:29Thank you, thank you.
07:31Oh, you can't miss it.
07:33Lift with your knees.
07:35Oh, my gosh.
07:36Is that all the complaints against me?
07:39Nobody's perfect.
07:41Okay.
07:42Chris, so, uh, what's your beef with you?
07:46I forced Julie to get on board with our sponsor, Glowy, so that we could make more money.
07:52Okay, so you got Julie to do her job and you got her a raise.
07:55But I broke her, Mo.
07:57I broke Julie.
07:59Chris, maybe it's time that you, um, maybe took a little time off.
08:07Yeah, I'm not really doing good.
08:09I'd love, I'd like to go home.
08:10Could I, if, do we have, is there like a maternity leave for menopause or something?
08:16Unfortunately, no.
08:17Uh, no, there's not.
08:19But let's, let's see how many vacation days you have left, okay?
08:21Yeah, those are toast.
08:22I used all those.
08:22How about my insurance reserve?
08:23Is, is there any money in there?
08:25Uh, pretty sure you tapped those out, too.
08:28But, oh, no, there is some left.
08:29Look at that.
08:30How much?
08:31Uh, $17.
08:35Could I have it?
08:38You, you want $17?
08:39Yeah, I need it.
08:41Yeah, yeah, yeah.
08:43Of course.
08:44Uh, all right.
08:45I just have to fill out some forms.
08:47It'll take six to eight weeks to process.
08:49I'm sorry.
08:50Uh, you know, menopause leave is really a good idea.
08:55Sort of a, a menopause, as to where.
08:58Ha, that's good.
09:01Chris, if I do file this complaint against you, uh, I, I'd be obligated to put you in a
09:07personal improvement plan.
09:08But, I mean, what's there to improve, really?
09:13So, we'll just consider this a warning.
09:17Okay, well.
09:19I'll keep an eye on myself.
09:21Uh, ha, ha.
09:23Thanks, Mo.
09:25Yeah.
09:29Julie, let's chat in my office.
09:32The metrics on the test group using Reversitrol.
09:37I'm thinking of buying a boat.
09:40I know, I know.
09:41What kind of asshole buys a boat?
09:45I've invested my own money into Glowie, Julie.
09:48It's gonna blow up.
09:50Reversitrol is a game changer.
09:52You could get in on that.
09:54Well, impressive.
09:56But I doubt that you can cure menopause.
09:59Dr. Felterblatt's treatment works.
10:01I've been taking it for almost a year, and I feel amazing.
10:04You should try it.
10:06Maybe even on the podcast.
10:11What would that be worth to you?
10:16Try the regime.
10:17On air tomorrow.
10:19Stay with it for a year.
10:21I'll give you this much.
10:24Well, you know, my mother always used to say to me
10:27that if you're going to sell your soul,
10:29you should get a good price.
10:31Ooh, I love your mom.
10:34FYI, this number's the shallow end.
10:37Do you want to see the deep end?
10:39I sure do.
10:40Let's go boat shopping.
10:43Aye, aye, captain.
10:45Oh, yeah.
10:46We're talking like a pontoon boat.
10:50Wow, we got our work cut out for us.
10:53Hey, that's okay.
10:55I'll have a challenge.
10:56Sorry about that.
11:00This is my friend Julie.
11:02I'm taking Reversatrol on the pod tomorrow.
11:04Oh, my gosh.
11:05Okay.
11:06I'm so sorry, Ewell.
11:07I have to go.
11:09This has gone too far, and I'm so sorry.
11:12I have to fix this.
11:14Can I help?
11:14Well, listen, Ewell, I know that you think
11:16that I'm, like, really fun and really nice,
11:18good to talk to, and, like, really good dancer, but...
11:20Okay, I guess.
11:21I just, but, um, I have to tell you,
11:23I'm not a good person.
11:25Oh, me neither.
11:26No, you don't understand.
11:27I did a bad thing with bad people.
11:29Everyone does.
11:30Oh, I betrayed my best friend.
11:31Okay.
11:32One time, I stole my best friend's watch,
11:33and then I sold it, and then I helped him look for it,
11:35and then as a thank you, he, uh, bought me beer.
11:38Okay.
11:40I've also, uh, I've robbed people.
11:42What?
11:42One time, I even robbed myself.
11:44My landlord put a padlock on my door,
11:46and I had to bust in and steal my own shit.
11:48Okay.
11:53So, um, I know what I should do.
11:57You know how to break it to places.
12:02Okay, lock it.
12:04Okay, I got sleeping bags.
12:06I only have a pillow, and then the other...
12:07You got one sleeping bag.
12:08I thought that I brought two,
12:09but I think because it was so puffy
12:10that I thought it was two.
12:11Yeah, no, that's cool.
12:12That's cool.
12:12I'll just, I'll sleep on the floor.
12:14You can just come on so we can, like, spring into action,
12:16but by action, I don't mean, like, having sex,
12:18like, I didn't, I mean, we're nuns.
12:20Just you and me are gonna lie here like a couple of nuns,
12:22no square pegs, getting in an any round hole.
12:25Yeah, no, that's smart.
12:26Okay.
12:26Smart.
12:27Okay, come on.
12:28It's fine.
12:29It's fine.
12:32Can I ask you something?
12:33Yeah, sure.
12:34Why did we lock ourselves in your office
12:36and break in?
12:38Uh, I'm staging a protest
12:40because I want my daughter
12:43to have a mom that sort of stands up for things,
12:45and also I gotta fix things with Julie.
12:48Yeah, I got your bag.
12:49And your front.
12:50Thanks.
12:51And this is a platonic pillow,
12:53and then you can sleep on this edge,
12:54and I'm gonna sleep on this edge.
12:55Okay.
12:55Okay, great.
13:01Your collar's here.
13:06So you have a big day tomorrow,
13:08so you should probably get some sleep.
13:26Hey, new suit?
13:27Yeah, I picked it up yesterday with Amanda.
13:29We had a $400 lunch,
13:30and then we went boat shopping.
13:32Boat shopping?
13:32What kind of asshole buys a boat?
13:34Right?
13:34But actually, you know,
13:35she's pretty cool,
13:36and she's completely self-made,
13:38and I did a little napkin math,
13:40and if I suck the corporate teat
13:42for three more years...
13:43Teat.
13:45Sorry, I'm listening.
13:46Yeah.
13:47If I endorse Reverse-a-Troll,
13:49they'll give me
13:51kind of a generous bonus,
13:53and if we took that and our GICs
13:55and we invested in Glowy,
13:57we could come up with
13:58a life-changing nest egg.
14:00I mean, why downsize
14:01when we could travel the world?
14:03We could hike the El Camino?
14:04No, babe.
14:05Too many open fields.
14:06No, I was thinking five-star resort.
14:08I was thinking private cabana.
14:10In-room massages?
14:11We could go full White Lotus.
14:12Minus the murder.
14:15Pete, I'm talking
14:16the kind of money
14:17that lets you get away with murder.
14:21Oh!
14:23Oh, good morning.
14:24Julie, Mo here.
14:25Sorry to bother you at home.
14:25We seem to have a bit of a situation
14:27with, uh, Chris.
14:28Is she okay?
14:28Physically, yes.
14:29Emotionally, not so sure.
14:31She broke into my sound booth,
14:33and now she's holed up in there
14:34with some guy.
14:35So is she, like, dating this guy?
14:37Is it serious, or...?
14:38Yeah, there's probably sex germs
14:40all over my mixer.
14:41I'll help you disinfect.
14:43I'm on my way.
14:44Whatever you do,
14:45don't tell Amanda.
14:46Oh, too late.
14:48Oh, shit.
14:48I'll be right there.
14:52What?
14:56Morning.
14:56Hi.
14:57Oh, no.
14:58Oh, God.
14:59Unlock the door, Chris.
15:00Oh, my God.
15:00This is Amanda.
15:01She looks really pissed.
15:02Yeah?
15:02Chris?
15:03So are you.
15:04Okay.
15:05Okay.
15:08Hello?
15:09Uh, good morning, Amanda.
15:11So today is not the day
15:12for this demented little prank.
15:14The Glowy executives
15:14are going to be here
15:15in less than an hour.
15:16No, well, this isn't a prank.
15:18This is a protest.
15:19Against what?
15:19Having a job?
15:20No, against you.
15:22Listen, you can use me
15:22all you want,
15:23but you can't force Julie
15:24to take a pill.
15:24You can't.
15:25You can't do it.
15:25Though I didn't force Julie
15:26to do anything.
15:27She's all in.
15:28Well, guess what?
15:30Today's the day
15:30that Glowy's gonna find out
15:32what Julie and I
15:33really think about them, so...
15:34Bitch!
15:35You better get out
15:36of that booth!
15:36Hey, hey.
15:37That's not nice.
15:38Who is that?
15:39This is Julie.
15:40He's my property manager.
15:40She's also my friend.
15:41We could be a little bit closer,
15:42but we're still figuring things out.
15:43Chris!
15:4520 minutes,
15:46and I'm calling the cops.
15:48Um, okay.
15:48Amanda, why don't we
15:49take this back to your office,
15:50and I will chat with Chris,
15:51and we will get this all settled.
15:5320 minutes!
15:54Julie, she can't call the cops.
15:55Don't call the cops.
15:56Don't call the cops, please!
15:57Oh, my God.
15:58Yo, yo.
15:59Okay, you gotta leave me
16:00before the cops come, please.
16:01You gotta go.
16:01Oh, I'm not leaving you here alone.
16:02No, you don't understand.
16:04I'm not good.
16:04I'm not doing well.
16:05You know that.
16:06When you were sleeping,
16:07I peed in that bucket
16:07and ate a pepperoni stick
16:08at the same time
16:09the cops are coming.
16:10This is as romantic
16:11as it's gonna get.
16:12It's plenty romantic for me.
16:19Oh, my God.
16:21Okay, we're gonna do this.
16:22We're just gonna do one more.
16:23Okay?
16:24Okay.
16:29Okay, you know what?
16:30I feel like if it's one more
16:32and that's all we got,
16:32we just want to both
16:33put our best foot forward,
16:34so maybe what we're gonna do,
16:35I'm gonna open up my mouth a little bit.
16:36You know what?
16:36I'm just gonna see what happens, okay?
16:38Okay.
16:38Okay, go.
16:39Okay, go.
16:44Okay, enough, enough.
16:45This is getting ridiculous.
16:46You gotta, you better...
16:49Look at me, look at me.
16:50Just one more, quick one,
16:52and then you're gonna go.
16:52Okay, and...
16:55Oh, God, you gotta go.
16:56Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry.
16:57I am so sorry.
16:58I don't want to leave you here at all.
17:00I don't want to ruin anyone else's life.
17:01Can you go, please?
17:03Could you just go?
17:06I'm sorry.
17:10I am gonna leave you.
17:16I'm sorry.
17:17I'm sorry.
17:18Thank you very much.
17:19Oh, no.
17:20Okay, what the hell is going on, Chris?
17:22I think I love him.
17:22No, no, no, no, not about that.
17:24What is going on here?
17:25Oh.
17:25This.
17:27Oh, God.
17:28I just want to say that I'm so sorry.
17:30I made you wear that puffy vagina costume.
17:33No, no.
17:34And then I made you betray yourself
17:35and go against everything that you believe,
17:37and you don't have to go in there
17:38and take those gross pills.
17:41Chris, I want to do it.
17:43You don't have to apologize to me.
17:45My decisions are my own.
17:46I'm sorry.
17:48Do you need me to forgive you?
17:49Yeah, I really do.
17:51Okay, I forgive you.
17:52Come here.
17:52Come here.
17:53I just want us to be good, okay?
17:54You're so good.
17:55We're good?
17:55Yeah, we're good.
17:56Okay, okay.
17:57Okay.
17:57All right, now, pucker up,
17:58because we got to go and kiss some major ass,
18:01and we got to do it fast.
18:02I just got to grab my bucket of pee.
18:03That might be why you're single.
18:04Well, that's harsh,
18:05because we just broke up.
18:06Hey, listen.
18:06You don't need to know.
18:07I don't even know if we were together.
18:09Great news, Amanda.
18:10Chris is here,
18:11and she's got something she'd like to say.
18:13I certainly do.
18:13I want to say something to you.
18:15I just, it's going to be like,
18:16yo, girl, how's it going?
18:17I just want to apologize for just,
18:19you know, what happened earlier.
18:21I don't really remember.
18:22Taking the studio hostage.
18:23Can you please not?
18:24Because that is absolutely not helping right now.
18:26Okay, I'm not going to.
18:27I just would like to say that,
18:29look, she's not even focused.
18:30It's ancient history.
18:31Tell her.
18:31Oh, my God.
18:32You know what happened?
18:33I'm not going to tell you.
18:33I had some allergy medication,
18:35that goddamn pollen.
18:36You know what I'm talking about?
18:37Amanda can be straight with each other.
18:39I'm a bit vulnerable right now,
18:41because you were who you saw there,
18:42when we were making out,
18:43he had his hands on me,
18:44and the timing's off for us right now.
18:46And I...
18:46Okay, okay.
18:47I think what Chris is trying to say
18:49is that she felt overwhelmed
18:51by the enormity of the situation.
18:54But we are now both fully in
18:56and ready to jump into those glowy waters.
18:58In fact, I talked to Pete,
19:00and we're ready to invest.
19:01Who knows?
19:02Maybe we'll buy a boat.
19:03Oh, my God.
19:04I bought a boat!
19:06Well, congratulations, Captain.
19:08I bought a boat.
19:09Oh.
19:09It's not a good boat?
19:10I'll see the boat.
19:11What's the boat?
19:11What's...
19:11Let me see it.
19:12Is this your boat?
19:13Oh, it's not your boat.
19:14Those are your...
19:14Those are your friends,
19:15and they are...
19:16Something called the cops on them.
19:17...C.E.O. Glynis Goodyear
19:18and her chief medical officer,
19:20Dr. Shelley Felderblatt,
19:21were arrested earlier this afternoon
19:23on charges of corporate embezzlement.
19:26Oh, shit.
19:42Julie, you need to read these comments.
19:44Fans are freaking out
19:46about this glowy stuff.
19:50Please tell me
19:51that the weird glowy guy
19:52didn't have a retirement fund.
19:54He didn't.
19:59You okay?
20:03I'm sorry.
20:06Come here.
20:09You screwed up so much.
20:10No.
20:12Yeah, I did.
20:14You almost screwed up a lot.
20:16I almost did.
20:17You're in the hole of life
20:22Through the big top tent up high
20:26Here before and after me
20:30Shining down on me
20:35You can tell me if I could
20:39Send up my heart to you
20:43So when I die
20:45Which I must do
20:47Could it shine
20:48Down here with you
20:51Just my love
20:53Is mine or mine
20:56I love
20:58My, my, my
21:00Nothing in the world belongs to me
21:04But my love
21:06Mine or mine or mine
21:36Won't you
Comments