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00:09If I know those laughs, they're tickling Jeff until he wets himself.
00:13Better put down some newspaper.
00:17Oh, I thought you guys were making fresh-squeezed Jeff juice.
00:20What you watching?
00:22What's up, butt-cheeses?
00:24I'm Stan.
00:25I'm 22 years old, and I'd be a home run on this show.
00:32We were looking for that porno mom found where the guy looks like a fatter tuttle,
00:36and look what we stumbled across.
00:38Your old real-world audition tape.
00:41You made the right move not sending this in.
00:43It would have been brutal.
00:45What are you talking about? It's not that bad.
00:47Come on, Dad. You're not cut out for reality TV.
00:50You're terrible on camera.
00:52Please, reality TV is all about charming people,
00:55and I am constantly doing that on missions.
00:56Once, I charmed my way into a Canadian terrorist cell
01:00with nothing but a hot dog and a piece of gum.
01:02Winning over a bunch of reality dweebs would be child's play.
01:05Work's different. That's all instinct.
01:08Great instincts. No one's questioning those.
01:10But in normal life, whenever there's a camera around,
01:13you get so in your own head and try way too hard
01:16and make the worst, lamest choices.
01:19I mean...
01:19I like to keep it...
01:21extreme!
01:26See?
01:27Cameras are why you act so weird at ATMs.
01:30And in the cold medicine aisle at CVS.
01:32And behind any car with a backup camera.
01:34You're all crazy. I'd crush it.
01:36Why do you even care?
01:37This was 20 years ago,
01:39and you never even followed through with it.
01:41Yeah, but the more we talk about this,
01:42the more important it becomes to me.
01:44My own family doesn't even believe in me.
01:46It's not that we don't believe in you, honey.
01:48It's just...
01:53You guys suck!
01:56And send me that pic!
02:01Good morning, USA
02:04I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
02:07The sun in the sky has a smile on his face
02:11And he's shining a salute to the American race
02:17Oh, boy, it's swell to say
02:20Good morning, USA
02:25Good morning, USA
02:29Stupid family.
02:30Sup?
02:31I heard that argument, Stan.
02:33And I have to say,
02:34I think we have yet another situation
02:36where everyone else in the house is wrong
02:38and you are right.
02:39Yet again.
02:40They may not believe in you,
02:42but I do.
02:42You'd be great on reality TV
02:44And I know what I'm talking about
02:46because I have a persona
02:47with a deep background in reality television.
02:50Gary Ambasul, reality TV producer.
02:53I've cast and produced dozens of shows in my day.
02:56Pitching a lot of hot, hot stuff right now.
02:58Real Housewives of Isis,
03:00Jack Toddlers,
03:01Jack Toddlers Las Vegas,
03:03America's Next Top Bottom.
03:04I'm actually all three judges on that, too.
03:07And my big dog,
03:08Gary Ambasul's All-Stars.
03:11Just got greenlit.
03:11Gonna air on several non-traditional
03:14alternative TV platforms.
03:15Gas station TVs,
03:17burner flip phones,
03:18audio only on Spirit Airlines.
03:20You know, Stan,
03:20we're still finalizing the cast
03:22and I actually think you'd be perfect for it.
03:24Me?
03:25Really?
03:25What's it about?
03:26It's a classic seven strangers
03:28getting to know each other in a rental house
03:30where the toilets definitely aren't filmed.
03:32Nothing crazy,
03:32just a popularity contest
03:34where viewers vote for who they like best.
03:36I don't know.
03:37Come on, it's win-win.
03:38I fill out my cast.
03:40You get to show the family
03:41how stupid they are.
03:42They do need to know how stupid they are.
03:45Okay, let's do it.
03:46Great.
03:46Now you just need to sign these.
03:48Don't worry,
03:49it's nothing to do with the show.
03:50These are Valentines
03:51for some other personas
03:52who have crushes on you.
03:53Stan,
03:54you wouldn't happen to be interested
03:55in Abigail Lemon Party, would you?
04:00Amazing.
04:01Whew, that was fun.
04:02And I thought our tour
04:03of the football stadium
04:04was gonna be my highlight of the week.
04:06What tour?
04:07We went on a ghost tour
04:09of the shark's nest.
04:10It's built on a native burial ground,
04:13a pet cemetery,
04:14and a spirit Halloween store
04:16so the place is crawling with ghosts.
04:18You went without me?
04:19Oh, how dare you?
04:22We've had this discussion.
04:23If you're ever going on a ghost tour
04:25or a target run, you tell me.
04:27It was just a lot of walking
04:28and you're so small,
04:30it would have been hard for you to keep up.
04:31So carry me, bitches.
04:33And we weren't sure
04:34it would be the right vibe for you.
04:36It can be kind of a wild card.
04:39Wild card?
04:41Me?
04:41Yeah, you.
04:42Remember when you got us kicked
04:43out of the Renaissance Fair
04:45for attacking a harp player
04:46with a giant turkey leg?
04:47Oh, come on.
04:48That was funny.
04:50You know,
04:50you guys really take me for granted.
04:52If I had an awesome small bro like me,
04:55I would value him.
04:56Great.
04:57Go find yourself a Klaus, then.
04:59Maybe I will.
05:00Actually,
05:01Dr. Weitzman owes me a favor
05:03for when I helped untangle him
05:05from the barbed wire
05:06around the old bra factory.
05:08I'll have him make me a tiny buddy.
05:12Do you guys want to go to Target?
05:15The Everglades are becoming
05:17a mini-Hollywood.
05:18You can dress this swamp up
05:19to be anywhere.
05:20A swamp in London,
05:22a swamp in space,
05:23very versatile swamp.
05:25Screw you, Claude.
05:26I meant what I said.
05:27Had it out with that dumbass
05:29the other day.
05:29He's into voodoo dolls,
05:31and I called him out
05:31for it being total mumbo-jumbo.
05:34Moron.
05:34Anyway,
05:35the house is just up here.
05:36Ah!
05:40Okay, showtime.
05:41The rest of the cast is out there.
05:43Just go be yourself.
05:44Piece of cake.
05:45Game time.
05:51Wazzup, butt-cheeses!
06:00Yes, my monkey.
06:02Back that ass up for the camera.
06:14I'm Swerve Queen.
06:16A.K.A. Miss Steal Your Girl.
06:18A.K.A. Miss Steal Your Guy.
06:19A.K.A. Miss Steal Your Identity.
06:22I'm Drakeford,
06:23and I'm here to get famous enough
06:24to be on other reality shows.
06:26I'm Clarence.
06:27I needed money
06:28for my granddaughter's wedding,
06:30so I responded
06:31to a Craigslist ad.
06:33Yo, yo, it's your boy Stan.
06:35I'm here to party,
06:36and I'm here to farty.
06:39I'm Angelica.
06:40I have 200K followers,
06:42and as a brand ambassador
06:44for Dr. Slippy's lip gloss,
06:46that is all I'll be using this season.
06:49Mwah!
06:50I'm Corn Nuts.
06:52I was living down the road
06:53until my brother kicked me out.
06:54It's cool if I sleep here.
06:56I'm Izzy.
06:56I only eat rainbow sherbert
06:58and...
07:00That's the sound
07:01a panda makes.
07:04It's important they know
07:06right off the bat
07:06who the fun guy
07:07in the house is gonna be.
07:08Whoa, we got a pool?
07:10Awesome!
07:10Anyone got a...
07:11can opener?
07:12No, Stan!
07:13There's a cover on...
07:16Um, fun guy established.
07:19Man, uh, Stan?
07:21He's an interesting dude.
07:23I've never seen someone
07:24so obsessed with throwing farts.
07:31And he's always leaving
07:33half-eaten tuna cans
07:34all over the house.
07:36It's like we live with a cat
07:37who's covered in Axe body spray.
07:40And Stan seems to have
07:41major beef with Clarence.
07:49Nut tap!
07:51I call this
07:52the Queen's Shuffle!
07:54Yeah!
07:55Let's go!
07:56Let's go!
07:57Go!
07:57Go!
07:59Did you get that?
08:02We decided to all pitch in
08:04and make a nice dinner.
08:05I invited everyone
08:06to pregame before the dinner,
08:08but I guess I'm the only cool one.
08:10You little bitches!
08:12You couldn't handle
08:12a couple of warm-up drinks?
08:17This lasagna tastes like ass!
08:20Is that...
08:21Stan?
08:23Is this a TV?
08:25Amazing!
08:26This!
08:27This is why
08:28I'll never get an electric vehicle.
08:32I am on the hunt
08:34for the perfect person
08:35to turn into
08:36my own little Klaus.
08:38Cool!
08:38I find friendships blossom.
08:40Holy hell!
08:41Save it for your memoirs,
08:43Motormouth!
08:45Venti tap water
08:46and eight cake pops.
08:48Name?
08:48Just put K-Dog 69.
08:50Ha ha!
08:5169!
08:52Noice!
08:53Well, he's the one.
08:55Weiteman,
08:55I'm ready to cash in
08:57that favor.
08:58It's Klaus!
08:59The fish?
09:01Jeez!
09:02How many fish
09:02do you owe favors to, man?
09:08Stan!
09:09Stan the man!
09:10Ricky Stanish!
09:12Hey, Roger,
09:13things were a little
09:14hazy
09:14from all the booze
09:15last night.
09:16I just want to make sure
09:17I didn't do anything stupid.
09:18You?
09:19No, no, no, no.
09:20You were rock solid.
09:21Total gentleman.
09:22But I'm glad you popped by.
09:23Rogu, grab the man a Pedialyte.
09:25I wanted to tell you
09:26how well the show's doing.
09:27People are loving you.
09:28They're getting gassed
09:29just to watch.
09:31Oh, really?
09:31Can I see some of the footage?
09:33No can do.
09:33Gotta keep you natural.
09:35Untainted.
09:35You'll see it soon enough
09:36at our live in-studio finale.
09:39Gonna have a great
09:39green room spread,
09:40by the way.
09:41100% salami.
09:42Come hungry.
09:43But votes are pouring in
09:44and you're doing great.
09:45Keep being you.
09:46We got a hit on our hands.
09:47Not a problem.
09:48Thanks, Roger.
09:50Roger.
10:11You know, it was weird
10:13he died the same day
10:14the C-4 we were about to use
10:16to blow up Niagara Falls
10:17went missing, yeah?
10:19Dang it!
10:19We were duped, gentlemen.
10:21He was one of us.
10:23Grandma showed him
10:24our secret family recipe
10:25for horse meat, even.
10:28Well, if he wasn't dead before,
10:31he's a dead man now.
10:34Uh, boss,
10:35this was the number
10:36we gave those girls
10:37we met ice fishing yesterday.
10:41Virgil!
10:45This never happened.
10:47Oh, he's perfect.
10:49He's zonked from the transfer.
10:51He'll be up soon.
10:52Okay, I gotta get back.
10:53I needed somewhere
10:54to put a seagull's brain
10:55for a minute,
10:55so I used this guy's body
10:57and I want to make sure
10:58nothing...
11:00Flappy, get back here!
11:03Little guy's tuckered out.
11:05But once he's up,
11:06we're gonna be in se...
11:10AHHHHH!
11:10What the hell's going on?
11:12Am I in a dollhouse bed?
11:13Am I a f***ing snail?
11:15Whoa, let's just relax.
11:17You are a snail,
11:19but, but...
11:20we're best friends now.
11:23AHHHHH!
11:24MUSIC
11:24SHISH, SHISH, SHISH, SHISH, SHISH, SHISH, SHISH thank you.
11:27Here.
11:28I'll go grab us a couple of beers
11:29so we can talk this out
11:30like bros.
11:31Okay.
11:32I only have one mango
11:33hard seltzer,
11:34but we can split that for now.
11:35Why are you on my...
11:37Did you just call someone?
11:39Yeah, Tracy, it's Starbucks, and she's telling everyone at work what you did.
11:44The jig is up, so just go ahead and change me back to a miserable human!
11:49Ah, damn it.
11:51Well, I guess I have no choice but to fix this then, huh?
11:56We're a snail!
11:57The shell's oddly comforting, but I'm still mad!
12:00Why?
12:01I had no choice, you all knew!
12:05Everything's gonna be fine, just calm down.
12:07I'll grab you guys some dirt and...
12:10What do snails eat?
12:11Maggots?
12:12We don't know!
12:13We just became snails!
12:15But some maggots do sound amazing, thank you.
12:22Good evening, folks.
12:24I'm Gary Ambasoul.
12:25Welcome to the live studio finale of the most popular show ever to air above the trough urinal in the
12:31Carolina Hurricanes Arena bathroom.
12:33Hell yeah!
12:34Now let's all welcome, fresh out of the house in the Everglades that's really dragging their feet with my security
12:40deposit, my all-stars!
12:45Eat it once.
12:46Look who's a reality star now.
12:49Tonight, we'll be crowning one of these housemates our winner.
12:53You voted all season and the results are in.
12:55But before we get to that, let's look back at this unforgettable season of moments recorded everywhere but the toilet.
13:05I love it here.
13:07Everyone's awesome.
13:08Well, almost everyone.
13:13It's not a direct translation, but that's Panda 4.
13:16Stan sucks.
13:18Angelica, you just won the Super Bowl!
13:21Ugh!
13:22Stan!
13:22Ugh!
13:23Stan!
13:24Ugh, Stan!
13:25Can I tell you guys a secret?
13:28Hell yeah!
13:30We'll get more into that torrid love affair, but first, I think audiences around the world are eager for me
13:36to share some news with the cast.
13:39I haven't been totally honest.
13:40While you all thought you were filming Gary Ombassoul's All-Stars, America knew we were making Gary Ombassoul's Imbeciles!
13:50You were assembled for my mission to crown America's biggest idiot.
13:55And the votes are in.
13:56Drumroll, please.
14:04Hey!
14:06And the winner is, no surprises here, it's Stan by a mile!
14:17And when we come back, bazooka sharks punter Boomer DeSanto is here to kick Stan in the balls.
14:23And that's commercial!
14:26Roger, you used me to look like a fool!
14:29Phew, we're on the same page.
14:30You said you believed in me.
14:32You said I'd be great!
14:33You were great!
14:34Great for me and the show!
14:35Aren't you happy for me, Stan?
14:40He's in there, eh?
14:41Surround the entire perimeter with dynamite!
14:43We gotta send our message to the world in style.
14:47I'm done with this stupid show!
14:49Find another sucker!
14:50But nobody sucks harder than you!
14:52Not even the contestants of my other show, Human Vacuums of Nebraska!
15:00The secret to horse meat, Virgil, is putting on the slice of American cheese after the microwave and letting the
15:07steam melt it.
15:09Mr. Ed, meet Mr. Fed.
15:11As in well-fed, not federal agent, which I'm not.
15:16Horse meat.
15:18Oh, no.
15:20Hey, look!
15:21It's Virgil!
15:22As you can imagine, Virgil, we were devastated to see on TV that you weren't a dead friend, but a
15:28living traitor.
15:29Yeah, no, you may have thwarted our plan to blow up Niagara Falls, bud, but now you've given us another
15:35opportunity to bring awareness to our cause.
15:38Help me out here.
15:39What was that again?
15:39Our cause, to refresh your memory, is getting the world to adopt Newfoundland's 30 minutes off time zone.
15:48Oh, God, I forgot that island is 30 minutes off.
15:51I kept missing modern family.
15:52We've accommodated the rest of the world for decades.
15:55Time for them to accommodate us.
15:57So we're gonna blow up this studio and everyone in it live on air to send a message.
16:04One that'll be seen on gas station TVs and flip phones around the globe.
16:09And then, if we don't die in a glorious hail of gunfire, we might pop by Colonial Williamsburg and see
16:15how a horseshoe is made, if we have time.
16:24Okay, everybody, a couple concerning items of news.
16:27Terrorists have surrounded the studio and are planting dynamite.
16:31But don't worry, I'm highly trained and have this situation completely un...
16:35What's up?
16:36Where do we that?
16:37Rogu, get a camera outside on those terrorists.
16:40This could be big.
16:41Pluto TV big.
16:43Stan, are we all gonna die?
16:46We may, baby girl.
16:47But I ain't stressing.
16:48I just hope heaven's got an ice luge.
16:51Oh, that's catchy.
16:52I just hope heaven's got an ice luge.
16:56Dad, get it together.
16:57You're in the CIA.
16:58Do something.
16:59Wait, you're in the CIA?
17:00You told me you were a sexy dentist.
17:03Yeah, I'm CIA.
17:04Ain't no thing.
17:05Just give me a second.
17:06I'll whip up a plan.
17:07We just need a flank here, and then we'll send a team over here, and I'll rappel in from...
17:12Yeah, this looks great.
17:14Gotcha.
17:15Stop looking, pervs.
17:17Forget this loser.
17:17I'ma go out there and smooth this whole thing over.
17:21Hit him with the queen shuffle, spit some game, and we'll be home in time for Jack Toddler's South Beach.
17:31I got that, y'all!
17:33Someone help me!
17:34Not Stan!
17:35I can't believe we just captured the swerve queen.
17:41It's Tracy's big blabbermouth is why we're all snails now.
17:45Larry's gonna write us up for missing our shift!
17:47Everyone shut up!
17:48Larry's not doing nothing, because you're all snails, and you live with a fish now, and we're all best friends!
17:55That's just the way it is!
17:57Anyone want to hear me freestyle?
18:01I'm a snail.
18:03I use snail mail.
18:04I leave snail trails.
18:06G-Unit!
18:07Enough!
18:07Everyone quiet!
18:08I'm trying to watch my friend's show!
18:14I'm a snail.
18:15I read snail braille.
18:16Baby, be my chef.
18:17I'll be your snail dale.
18:20Here's your staff, Larry.
18:21I'm over it.
18:22I'm gonna go chug a Mountain Dew outside TJ Maxx and throw in some FanDuel parlays.
18:26Klaus is back!
18:30Larry!
18:30That fish turned us into snails!
18:32And you gotta get us to a recording studio!
18:35I don't care who's it and what's it to who's them!
18:38You're all late, and I'm writing you up!
18:40Larry, is now a bad time to tell you that my sister's wedding's next weekend?
18:45Dagnabbit!
18:50I can't believe we underestimated how truly horrible Dad is on camera.
18:54Then we gotta get him off camera!
18:56Roger!
18:56Kill the cameras!
18:57We need to get Dad back to normal!
18:59On it!
19:00Oh no!
19:01The terrorists must have jammed the signal so we're stuck on air!
19:05No way I'm missing this gold!
19:07I don't get it!
19:08Cameras or not, terrorists are Dad's bread and butter!
19:11But those missions are all instinct!
19:14So maybe...
19:18Instinct trumps cameras!
19:20Clarence and Angelica, when you're done sobbing, can I ask you to do a quick Season 2 promo?
19:28Sorry, fam.
19:30My B.
19:31I guess you were right not to believe in me.
19:33Actually, Dad, I do believe in you.
19:37Steve, no!
19:38What are you doing?
19:39Come on in and just kill us!
19:41Get it over with!
19:42You can do it on camera!
19:44Quick!
19:44Before the little hoser reconsiders!
19:54What's up?
19:57What's up?
20:09Hang tight.
20:11I'll hang loose.
20:12Stan, look out!
20:18My job!
20:24Grandma shared two family secrets.
20:27Terrorist One always kept a little nitro under his balls.
20:31All right, yeah!
20:34You did it, Stan!
20:36I told you I could be good on TV, and I just wanted to say, big thanks to all the
20:41haters
20:41out there for keeping me motivated, especially my weak-as-hell family.
20:45Shout out to the Everglades, my boy Corn Nuts, and most importantly, you, America, for eating
20:50this.
20:57I'm pitching a lot of hot, hot shows right now, but there's one in particular I think
21:02you'd really shine on.
21:03Me?
21:04Tuttle?
21:05Are you familiar with the concept of a squid game?
21:07I am not, but I love calamari!
21:10Great, great.
21:11That's perfect.
21:12Rogul, just get a quick, legally binding signature, and you'll be rich and famous lickety-split.
21:17Hot dog!
21:18Production starts Monday.
21:20Just bring some exercise clothes, and remember, don't tell any loved ones where you're going.
21:27Damn it!
21:28This is another Valentine!
21:29Still, it'll mean the world to Clip Clop.
21:32Bye!
21:33Have a beautiful time!
21:34Bye!
21:35Have a beautiful time!
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