- 4 hours ago
Comedic full roast/review of the gloriously ridiculous 1994 Christmas CD Tales From the Crypt: Have Yourself a Scary Little Christmas – where the Crypt Keeper (voiced by John Kassir) himself takes over the holidays with twisted, gory parodies of your favorite carols! This peak-90s novelty disaster was released during the HBO show's heyday, and it's pure "what were they thinking?" energy aimed at kids... but with murder jokes and body parts.Track-by-track cringe highlights: "Deck the Halls With Parts of Charlie" – Fa-la-la-la-la, but with dismembered limbs (festive!)
"Juggle Bills" – Holiday shopping gone decapitated
"We Wish You'd Bury the Missus" – To the tune of "We Wish You a Merry Christmas," but make it spouse-murder
"Twelve Days of Cryptmas" – Gifts include "a corpse in a dead tree" – classic Cryptmas cheer
"Moe Teitlebaum" – Weird original that feels like a fever dream
Plus intros, "A Christmas Card For The Cryptkeeper," "Christmas Rap," and more off-key, pun-heavy horror-holiday mashups
The Crypt Keeper's raspy, pun-delivering voice croons these like he's narrating an episode, but for Christmas. It's so bad it's brilliant – dated 90s production, cheesy synths, and lyrics that are equal parts clever wordplay and "this is for children?!" awkwardness. Listening in 2026, it hits different: nostalgic for Tales fans, hilariously inappropriate, and the ultimate bad Christmas album contender.I laugh/cringe through every pun, the low-budget vibe, and why this exists (merch cash-in during the show's popularity). Peak 90s horror-comedy novelty – bad in the best way!No full audio spoilers, but full comedic breakdown of the tracks, the absurdity, and why it's a hidden gem for bad holiday music lovers.
"Juggle Bills" – Holiday shopping gone decapitated
"We Wish You'd Bury the Missus" – To the tune of "We Wish You a Merry Christmas," but make it spouse-murder
"Twelve Days of Cryptmas" – Gifts include "a corpse in a dead tree" – classic Cryptmas cheer
"Moe Teitlebaum" – Weird original that feels like a fever dream
Plus intros, "A Christmas Card For The Cryptkeeper," "Christmas Rap," and more off-key, pun-heavy horror-holiday mashups
The Crypt Keeper's raspy, pun-delivering voice croons these like he's narrating an episode, but for Christmas. It's so bad it's brilliant – dated 90s production, cheesy synths, and lyrics that are equal parts clever wordplay and "this is for children?!" awkwardness. Listening in 2026, it hits different: nostalgic for Tales fans, hilariously inappropriate, and the ultimate bad Christmas album contender.I laugh/cringe through every pun, the low-budget vibe, and why this exists (merch cash-in during the show's popularity). Peak 90s horror-comedy novelty – bad in the best way!No full audio spoilers, but full comedic breakdown of the tracks, the absurdity, and why it's a hidden gem for bad holiday music lovers.
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FunTranscript
00:00Hey, it's Joe from VKMTV Studios, and I know what you're expecting.
00:04Another oddball Christmas album to be talked about.
00:08And you're right.
00:09If that's your Christmas present, I hope you're having a very merry Christmas.
00:14Or if I was the host like this guy, I'd wish you a very scary Christmas.
00:19That's right.
00:20To keep you in the Christmas spirit, we're going to listen to music from the Crypt Keeper.
00:24Because when you think Christmas, you obviously think of this ghoulish nightmare creature.
00:29Today's album is Tales from the Crypt.
00:32Have yourself a scary little Christmas.
00:35Is it scary?
00:35Is it macabre?
00:36Is it just really stupid?
00:38Let's find out.
00:39Crashing through the crypt, with a monster in your sleigh.
00:43Over the ghouls we tripped, screaming all the way home.
00:47Felt the witches sing, making demons rise.
00:51How fun it is to moan and groan a cryptic song tonight.
00:55Oh, jingle boo, jingle boo, jingle all the way.
00:59So the CD isn't just musical compositions.
01:02We're also going to get a little smoke and word.
01:05A parody of A Night Before Christmas called The Fright Before Christmas.
01:09T'was the fright before Christmas, and all through the crypt.
01:14Not a creature was stirring, except those being whipped.
01:19The Crypt Keeper is a lot like Rihanna.
01:21Whips and chains, they excite him.
01:23And there on the lawn was a sight for sore eyes.
01:27Santa Claus caught in my Christmas surprise.
01:31So after all the horrible things that the Crypt Keeper has talked about or done,
01:36he still thinks Santa's going to deliver presents to him?
01:39A pool full of quicksand, disguised snowy white.
01:43Soon dear old Santa would sink out of sight.
01:47You honestly expect a gift, but you're out here trying to trap Santa in quicksand?
01:52Pool dasher, pool dancer, pool prancer and donner.
01:56If you don't pull me out, old Santa's the goner.
01:59Oh, and it doesn't look like Santa's reindeer crew is going to be able to save him.
02:03Maybe he should hire one of the reindeers that I talked about in this video.
02:06Santa, he's got tricks too.
02:08And then though he'd sunk clear up to his chest, he pulls out these gifts.
02:13Gifts for me, no less.
02:16Tricks, bribes, same thing.
02:17Well, I have to admit that my ticker was touched.
02:22Christmas is one thing, but this was too much.
02:25Wait a minute.
02:26So is the Crypt Keeper like the Grinch?
02:29Something stood in my heart.
02:32Maybe once, maybe twice.
02:34It felt really weird.
02:36But it also felt nice.
02:39And now he's been saved, saved?
02:42You may be disgusting and falling apart, but there's something still good in that slimy old heart.
02:48Like he had a religious conversion or what?
02:52As I waved, I discovered a problem I've got.
02:56Now I was in quicksand and Santa was not.
03:00Ah, Santa Claus.
03:02He forgives, but he does not forget.
03:06And now the Crypt Keeper is trapped in the quicksand and Santa leaves him to die.
03:10Because of course that's what Santa would do.
03:12Santa is a cruel, heartless bastard if you try to stop kids from getting presents.
03:17Guys, it's a Christmas miracle.
03:19I wrote the Crypt Keeper and said,
03:20I'm a big fan and I'd love to talk to you about this album.
03:24And he responded.
03:25And I don't know, maybe he's pulling a trick on me
03:28and I'll end up like one of the many other tales from his crypt.
03:32But he's actually going to answer some questions.
03:34Ah, greetings, boils and ghouls.
03:35It's your old pal, the Crypt Keeper.
03:38Your macabre, may of putrid parables.
03:40Crypt Keeper, thank you for joining us.
03:42I must say, your presence in my crypt has certainly raised my spirits.
03:46I think everybody wants to know,
03:47why the hell did you make a Christmas CD?
03:50Ah, the holiday season can be so frightfully festive, wouldn't you agree?
03:54So naturally, I couldn't resist spreading a little holiday cheer
03:57in the most monstrous way possible.
04:00But why?
04:01Ah, it's simple really.
04:03I just thought it would be simply splendid to infuse the joyous holiday season
04:07with a healthy dose of gore and madness.
04:09It's a way of spreading some twisted cheer, if you will.
04:12Our next track is a song you hear covered in all kinds of Christmas compilations.
04:17I think it's public domain.
04:18That's why everybody sings it.
04:20Even though it's a dreadful song, no matter how you change the lyrics,
04:23this is the Crypt Keeper's version of the 12 Days of Christmas.
04:27On the first day of Crypt-mas, my ghoul love gave to me
04:31A trip to the mortuary
04:34On the second day of Crypt-mas, my ghoul love gave to me
04:38Two murderous shoves and a trip to the mortuary
04:42Well, if you can't get it done the first time,
04:45might as well do it a second time.
04:46Three lethal blows, two murderous shoves
04:49And a trip to the mortuary
04:51Three lethal blows?
04:52Well, yeah.
04:53You gotta be thorough.
04:54How many times have you watched a horror movie and thought,
04:57Hey, you've knocked out the killer.
04:59Just keep hitting them.
05:00Like, not just once and they're down and you think they're out.
05:03Just keep hitting them.
05:05Even three actually seems low to me.
05:07Four thousand votes!
05:08By listening to Christmas music, you're gonna learn a very important lesson.
05:12Violence is the answer.
05:14Five mortal wounds!
05:17Five mortal wounds?
05:19That kind of reminds me in Ghostbusters 2,
05:21when they're talking about how the people who rose up against Vigo
05:25tried to kill him, and nothing they did worked.
05:28Didn't die of old age either.
05:30Poisoned, stabbed, shot, hung, stretched, disemboweled, drawn and quartered.
05:34Ouch!
05:34Seven werewolf howling
05:36Seven werewolf howls doesn't really make any sense.
05:39Because lethal blows, mortal wounds, that will kill you.
05:43But werewolf howls is just hearing noise.
05:45Okay, every time he says
05:48Four thousand votes!
05:49I just think
05:50Sega!
05:51Sega!
05:51Let me know if you hear it too in the comments.
05:54I don't know about you, but the reason I really hate the 12 days of Christmas
05:57is everybody takes their time getting up to like five.
06:00And then by the time you get to the six, seven, eight, you are speeding along just to get this
06:06friggin' song over with.
06:07Twelve axemen lopping, eleven choppers chopping, ten heads ka-plopping, nine stranglers strangling,
06:13eight manglers mangling.
06:14Which makes you wonder, is there any version, parody or just straight cover, of the 12 days
06:20of Christmas where you're not hoping it just friggin' ends?
06:25Ah, the infamous 12 days of Christmas has always had a certain repetitive charm, hasn't it?
06:30How about a twisted and sinister parody version with a macabre horror twist?
06:35It'll be just as long, but with a delightful dose of dread and evil.
06:39Nah, still sucked.
06:41Oh, my dearest friend, you wound me.
06:43I went to such great lengths to create a horrific version of that blasted song, but you still
06:47found it lacking!
06:48Since this is a comedy CD, there's gonna be little skits in between the different novelty
06:54songs.
06:55This one is called A Christmas Card for the Crypt Keeper.
06:58One juicy, pumping heart whets my appetite.
07:03When I get hungry, I run out and slay someone tonight.
07:08Do you know what the big twist is?
07:10Finger food, finger food, munch a thumb today.
07:15Oh, what a treat it is to eat the neighbors on Christmas Day.
07:21It's a card from Hannibal Lecter.
07:24Season's greetings, Hannibal the cannibal.
07:27Oh, you old gourmet, you.
07:29Oh, he wants to eat the neighbors.
07:31Good one.
07:31Good one.
07:32Uh, can we get more of that?
07:34I want some more pop culture references.
07:37I'd like a song that's all about horror icons and how they celebrate Christmas.
07:41It's called The Christmas Rap, and if you've been following my channel for an extremely long
07:47time, you may remember a show I did where I reviewed music videos, and we talked about novelty
07:54rap songs, and that's what we're getting.
07:56We're getting the novelty rap song.
07:58Listen here, St. Nicholas.
08:01Christmas Day is near.
08:03Me and all my fiendish friends have something you should hear.
08:07Jason wants a brand new look.
08:09His is a disgrace.
08:11This time, he would like a mask with Robert Redford's face.
08:16Jason's face, Robert Redford's face.
08:19I still think it would be kind of frightening if Jason put on Robert Redford's face and then
08:24still tried to kill you.
08:25Because it's not going to change his personality.
08:26He's just going to look more handsome.
08:28But then I think he'd have to do the surgery, so it'd be like any of those face swapping where
08:33you're still taking the face, but you get the outlines on the side because they have
08:36to stitch it on, like Leatherface.
08:38Freddy wants a manicure for those Kruger nails.
08:42What a nightmare you will have if dear old Santa fails.
08:47Okay, so Freddy Kruger wants a manicure, but that would be like dealing with your fingernails,
08:53whereas Freddy has blades.
08:55So wouldn't it make more sense to take him blade sharpening?
08:59If he was to get a manicure, would that really help Freddy Kruger?
09:03Because he'd be working his fingernails, and his fingernails aren't the knives themselves.
09:08Those are knives on top of fingernails.
09:10He once was a human.
09:12I must say I hadn't given much thought to Freddy Kruger's manicure needs, but you have
09:17definitely piqued my interest.
09:19Well, let me see.
09:20The notorious dream demon Freddy Kruger isn't exactly known for his attention to personal
09:24grooming, let alone a manicure.
09:27But just imagine if he had one.
09:29He could show off those fearsome nails of his with even more style and panache, inflicting
09:33terror and carnage with every claw.
09:36Jack the Ripper has a wish, and it's quite a pimp.
09:40He wants the Dallas Cowgirls cheering.
09:43Hey Jack, let her rip!
09:44Now, Jack the Ripper wanting the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders, I mean, that's just a given.
09:49Who doesn't?
09:50He didn't say the Cleveland Brown cheerleaders.
09:52They don't have a reality show or one of those teams that can't even pay their cheerleaders.
09:58Lizzie Borden lost her folks, gave them body wax.
10:02She wants a brand new mom and pop.
10:05And of course, an axe.
10:07All I can think of is the whitest kids get a new daddy song, right?
10:12You're not going to fix her crazy personality.
10:14And I got to say, if I was helping Santa at the North Pole and he's looking over the list,
10:18I would be, that's a no on the face, no on the manicure, no on the axe.
10:24We're not giving away axes for Christmas time, okay?
10:28I don't care, Lizzie.
10:29You haven't been good.
10:30You killed your parents.
10:31I'm not getting you new parents.
10:33We'll give those to like one of those orphan children or one of those homard lifetime kids
10:38who lost their parents maybe the year before and their dad just can't date until he finds
10:43that perfect girl who is like mom but won't replace mom.
10:48Or I just might whack it off first thing Christmas day.
10:52Did I hear that correct?
10:53He might whack off?
10:55Don't do that at Christmas time.
10:57The headless horseman wants a gift.
10:59Bet you can't guess what.
11:01He's not only lost his head, now he's lost his butt.
11:06Huh?
11:06Is the joke that the headless horseman has no butt?
11:09I'm pretty sure he does.
11:10I think the headless horseman doesn't have a head.
11:14Hannibal the cannibal would like some Christmas punch.
11:18Then he'd like to meet your elves and have them all for lunch.
11:22You get it?
11:24You get it?
11:25Because Hannibal likes to eat people, elves are people, and Hannibal's going to eat an elf.
11:31I don't think Santa's going to allow this.
11:33He's kind of the barrier between elves being tortured and elves living a nice life.
11:39Now, this is where the track just kind of goes off the rails.
11:42Frankenstein just wants a girl wearing lace and bows.
11:46But make sure she's blonde and stacked or they'll eat your nose.
11:51I thought Frankenstein wanted a bride, not a prostitute.
11:55Wolfman's needs are quickly met.
11:57He's not hard to please.
11:59Just recommend a real good vet.
12:01He's been getting fleas.
12:03That doesn't even sound like a Christmas gift.
12:05That just sounds like the Wolfman needs medical attention.
12:09You know, it feels like every song on this CD has been a threat to Santa Claus.
12:14All I ask is get these gifts for my friends some way.
12:18Or we'll have roasted Santa Claus for lunch on Christmas Day.
12:23If Santa doesn't do what the Crypt Keeper wants, he's going to be called Fat Boy.
12:28They're going to make fun of his weight.
12:29They're going to murder or kill or eat one of the elves.
12:33They're going to f*** Mrs. Claus.
12:35Hey, what's Mrs. Claus doing tonight?
12:38She's going to be free because you're going to be filling my order.
12:43R. Kelly said the same thing, but his was less of a threat and more of a
12:47I'm really, really horny, lock me away kind of R. Kelly-ness.
12:52So out of all the things you could have made a Christmas song about,
12:54you made a song where it's a rap about famous pop culture killers getting Christmas gifts?
13:00Ah, that's just me doing what I do best, my friend.
13:03Combining two of life's great evils, slasher villains, and cheesy holiday rap
13:07into one gloriously gory package.
13:09It's a masterpiece of monstrous mayhem, if I do say so myself.
13:13I guess so.
13:14All right, hypothetically, I get invited to one of these
13:17white elephant Yankee swap gift-giving ceremonies with a bunch of undead killers.
13:23What would I get them?
13:24Ah, my friend, a horror villain-themed white elephant gift, you say?
13:27Hmm, let me think.
13:29How about a set of authentic vampire teeth?
13:31A severed hand candle holder?
13:33A possessed doll that cackles menacingly?
13:35Oh, or maybe even a limited edition signed copy of my macabre holiday album?
13:40Wow, you really are a product of the 90s.
13:43Way to sneak in a plug for your album.
13:45Can you blame a crypt-dwelling ghoul like myself for seizing an opportunity
13:48to spread a little holiday horror cheer, even in the most unconventional of ways?
13:53And you get to learn about the Crypt Keeper's family in two different tracks.
13:58The first one is called The Crypt Keeper's Family Christmas,
14:01where it starts off and it sounds like, I don't know, a family gathering?
14:07A long time ago, there was a family dinner.
14:13Quiet kiddies, my relatives, would all come there to dine.
14:18Shut up while I'm singing!
14:20We're gonna get a glimpse into the Crypt Keeper's family.
14:24Yes, like Hall & Oates, the Crypt Keeper is a family man.
14:28But people aren't leaving him alone.
14:31He's a family man.
14:33Everybody at this party seems to be dropping dead.
14:36Somebody is killing the Crypt Keeper's family.
14:39Good old Uncle Ned dropped dead in the chestnut dressing.
14:43Grandma Rose turned up the toes following the blessing.
14:47Why is everybody dropping?
14:49Is this like a Jonestown Kool-Aid thing?
14:52And it just happens to take place at Christmastime?
14:56After that Aunt Hattie croaked, next to my sister Bessie.
15:00But if I'm listening to the lyrics correctly,
15:02it sounds like during the suicide pact, the dad ducked out.
15:06He ain't gonna be part of this.
15:07Dear old dad then took a cab.
15:10Things were getting messy.
15:15And you know, for somebody whose family just dropped dead in front of him,
15:19the Crypt Keeper doesn't sound that upset.
15:21Grandpa Brown then went face down in his spots and gravy.
15:25Uncle Matt felt just like that.
15:27Crushing cousin gave me.
15:29I thought Kevin McCallister was, you know, kind of callous about,
15:33Oh, my family disappeared.
15:35Oh well.
15:36Get to watch old black and white movies and eat ice cream.
15:38Cousins Phil, Arlene, and Jill became the next dead trio.
15:42And as my Aunt May passed away,
15:45she sang old solo me-o.
15:51Uh, did the same thing happen to the Crypt Keeper at one point?
15:54Did they eat his cheese pizza?
15:56Uncle Mace fell on his face and belly up went mother.
16:00Then great-grandma Abigail hit the floor and splattered.
16:05These are the important questions worth asking.
16:07After which third cousin Mitch
16:10belt so hard he shattered.
16:15Oh, that's exactly what it was.
16:17The Crypt Keeper put arsenic in everybody's food.
16:21So don't let the Crypt Keeper into your kitchen.
16:23This sounds like the plan of the chef who killed the guy on Columbo.
16:27When he brings some arsenic
16:30To the Christmas dinner
16:33So, out of all the things you could have served at your Christmas dinner,
16:37why arsenic?
16:38It was just a little bit of good, good old-fashioned family fun.
16:41I mean, what's a monstrous mayhem like me to do
16:44when my kin just won't stop bickering and causing a scene?
16:47A little arsenic here, a dash of poison there, and presto!
16:50Instant harmony!
16:52The Crypt Keeper loves his holiday standards.
16:55Yeah, he too does a cover of Deck the Halls.
16:59But this is Deck the Halls with Parts of Charlie.
17:02Deck the Halls with Parts of Charlie
17:05Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
17:08Make the Yuletide Grace and Ali
17:10Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
17:12Who the hell's Charlie?
17:13I don't know.
17:15Charlie Adler?
17:16His voice actor?
17:17Top it off with gills called Glader
17:19Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
17:22So really, who is Charlie?
17:24Was he one of the family members who dropped dead from arsenic poisoning?
17:28Who needs mistletoe and holly?
17:30Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
17:32When we could just dismember Wally
17:35Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
17:38The 90s action stars catching a few strays
17:40Bits of Bruce and hunks of Arnie
17:43Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
17:45I wonder what kind of weird thing he had planned for JCVD
17:48Who really should have had his own Christmas movie
17:50Oh, hello, creeps!
17:52You're just in time!
17:54You know, I should also address my YouTube audience like that
17:58I just love this time of year
18:00There's nothing quite like it
18:02Your tide carols
18:04Sleigh bells
18:05Jack Frost roasting on an open fire
18:08Where was I?
18:12So, I don't know
18:14I think I've watched one too many movies
18:15But when he says
18:16Jack Frost roasting on an open fire
18:19I just like Martin Short in Santa Claus 3
18:22I think this CD is really hitting that sweet spot
18:25For somebody who wants to
18:26Celebrate the Christmas season
18:28But is also a serial killer
18:30Have yourself a merry little Christmas
18:33Yeah, they didn't even change it to
18:34Have a scary little Christmas
18:36And it's even more bizarre because
18:38Instead of the Cryptkeeper having jokes
18:41He plays it completely straight
18:43While the Cryptkeeper sings in the background
18:45You're hearing the tale of a mental asylum escapee
18:50Breaking out on Christmas Day
18:52Macrae?
18:54Macrae?
18:55Let me go!
18:56Yes!
18:58Die!
19:00Die!
19:01Die!
19:01And now I'm wondering
19:02Were we in a mental asylum the entire time?
19:05Were we here to visit the Cryptkeeper?
19:07And he was telling us Christmas tales?
19:09And then while this was going on
19:11This guy made his escape?
19:16Who is this cartoon voice actor?
19:18Mommy?
19:19Will Santa Claus come to our house?
19:21Is that also Charlie Adler?
19:23I hope so, Timmy
19:24Now go to sleep
19:26Okay
19:26It's incredibly weird
19:28I have to look it up
19:29Is that Santa Claus?
19:31Hello?
19:32Is somebody there?
19:34Santa?
19:35Is that you?
19:37Is that Elmo who's about to be killed?
19:39Hello?
19:42Hey!
19:43You're not Santa Claus!
19:45No!
19:46I'm not!
19:49Oh my god!
19:51Okay, yep
19:52This is starting to sound a lot like the beginning of Terrifier 3
19:55You know, when Art shows up
19:59I mean, watch Terrifier 3
20:00It's a shame what he did to those kids
20:02And you know what?
20:03If this is what the Cryptkeeper wants to do to Elmo
20:05He's got my blessing, okay?
20:07I'm an Elmo hater from way back
20:09Mommy!
20:10Daddy's home for Christmas!
20:12And...
20:13So now the Cryptkeeper is going to torture you in a different way
20:16Instead of blood and guts and all that spooky stuff
20:20He's going to remind you
20:21The holidays cost money
20:23And you're broke
20:24And you're not going to have any money
20:26Even Santa is a broke ass
20:28The world's financial crunch
20:32Has even hit St. Nick
20:35He's had to lay off helpers
20:39Which made him downright sick
20:42Also, Santa's skipping your house this year, kid
20:46Yeah, take it personal
20:47He has to tighten his belt
20:49And you're not really a priority anymore
20:51You were barely making it in before
20:53He was, you know, much more stringent
20:56But now...
20:58Nah, dude, you don't even stand a chance of getting anything
21:00Dear Santa won't be coming
21:04To your house Christmas Eve
21:09When Christmas is over
21:11You're going to have some huge, huge bills to pay
21:15Juggle bills, juggle bills
21:17Can't get through the stack
21:19It ain't no joke
21:20The fat guy's broke
21:21There's not much in his sack
21:23Jack!
21:23Yes, this is...
21:25Juggle bills
21:26Set to the tune of Jingle Bells
21:29Cause Santa Claus, Santa Claus
21:31Hasn't got a buck
21:33They cut up all his credit cards
21:35And you're just out of luck
21:38Just a real downer of a track when you think about it
21:41Santa's broke
21:42He has no money
21:44He can't give out presents
21:46The elves
21:47They've all been laid off
21:48They got nowhere to go now
21:49If the kids are expecting to get a visit from Santa
21:51That's not going to happen
21:53Also, how much bad publicity would the banks get
21:57If they were filmed taking all Santa Claus' stuff
22:01This really is a departure from all the horror stuff that we've been listening to
22:06You'd see this on Instagram
22:07Where the caption is
22:09Moms on Christmas be like
22:11And then they're lip syncing this
22:12Yesterday was bad
22:14Today is even worse
22:16I thought I'd never hear
22:18Dear old Santa curse
22:20This damn financial crunch
22:23Has turned us all to booze
22:25Santa's life as well as ours
22:27They've all gone down the tube
22:29It is really odd that in the 90s
22:32There are two different novelty Christmas songs
22:35Where they suggest eating Santa's reindeer
22:38To quote Doofenshmirt
22:40But it's weird that it happened twice, right?
22:42He had eight reindeer once
22:44But now he's down to five
22:46He barbecued the other three to keep his elves alive
22:50You know who I think you're probably pretty chill with?
22:53Vigo the Carpathian
22:54You know him, don't you?
22:55Back in the day
22:56We used to have some wickedly wild parties together
22:59Filled with unspeakable shenanigans and sinister sorcery
23:02In fact, I still have a fond spot for him somewhere in my cold, rotting heart
23:07What do you know about old Vigo, my curiously inquisitive friend?
23:10He is the master of evil
23:12And he tried to battle my boys
23:14Which wasn't legal
23:15Ah, yes, yes, I recall hearing whispers about Vigo's else's encounter with your boys
23:20It was quite the spectacle, I must say
23:23He tried to pull a fast one, that rascally villain
23:25But it seems your boys proved to be quite the formidable foes
23:29At this point, I'm thinking the writers for this CD have run out of ideas
23:34Mo Tattlebomb, you know, like old Tannenbaum
23:37Is the guy who's ruined the Crypt Keeper's Christmas
23:40Some guy named Mo ruined my Christmas this year
23:46I'm not sure how, didn't the Crypt Keeper murder his own family?
23:50I think the Crypt Keeper's ruined his Christmas more than Mo Tattlebomb has
23:54When brother Biff became a stiff, all my kin had perished
23:59And what did Mo Tattlebomb do?
24:02Mo Tattlebomb, Mo Tattlebomb
24:05You did embalm my dad and mom
24:08Oh, wait, I thought everybody dropped dead from arsenic poisoning
24:12When you embalmed my family
24:15It's so confused and puzzled me
24:18Oh, Tattlebomb, I must confide
24:22I wish you'd waited till they died
24:25Well, yeah, okay, I can see why the Crypt Keeper now hates Christmas
24:29That's a better reason than Scrooge Head
24:31And the Crypt Keeper has a brother
24:33Tom Keeper?
24:34And Sister Kate and Brother Tom
24:37You did as well indeed embalm
24:40Is that a play on Time Keeper?
24:43Probably not
24:44Another thing I can't believe
24:46You did it all for Christmas Eve
24:50Well, yeah, earlier he arsenic'd everybody
24:53So, yeah, he'd need somebody to come in and do some embalming
24:56Oh, Tattlebomb, I wish you tried
24:59To simply wait until they died
25:02And out of all the people who've been mentioned on this CD
25:06It's not a politician, it's not a celebrity
25:09It's not his family
25:11It's not some undead killer that he's trying to compete with
25:15Like, it's not jealousy towards Jason Voorhees
25:18The person the Crypt Keeper hates the most in the entire world
25:22Is somebody named Moe
25:23We've reached Revenge of the Crypt Keeper
25:26Is this, uh, revenge on Santa for leaving him in the quicksand?
25:31I don't know, but we do get a Boils and Ghouls
25:34And if you know anything about the Crypt Keeper
25:37That's what you wanted to hear
25:39Boils and Ghouls
25:40I tell ya, Boils and Ghouls
25:43Sometimes the holidays really get to me
25:46Who ordered all this nauseating cheer?
25:50I've had Christmas up to here
25:54Oh, that's a great clip
25:56Alright, I am going to make that
25:59Some sort of Instagram, TikTok, YouTube shorts thing
26:02Nauseating cheer
26:03If you don't see it on this channel
26:05Then I'm a damn liar
26:06But I will, I'll do it
26:08Up on the roof with nails and saws
26:11I'll build a trap for Santa Claus
26:14Aw, that's nice
26:15A Christmas song that sounds like it would fit right in with Saw
26:18Watch his Yuletide spirits droop
26:21When Chubbo's locked in the chicken coop
26:24That's cool, uh, throw him right in the chicken coop
26:26I think that's what happened to the littlest reindeer
26:28In the reindeer special I did
26:31Is this based on a true story?
26:33Did you try to kidnap Santa Claus?
26:35I just couldn't resist the urge to give old Saint Nick
26:37A truly terrifying holiday season
26:40Plus it was too tempting to have the opportunity
26:43To give the jolly old fellow a taste of the Crypt Keeper's twisted holiday cheer
26:47Alright, hypothetically
26:48Would you torture a Santa Claus more or less
26:52If it was the Santa Claus from Tim Allen's The Santa Claus?
26:56Now, now, that's an interesting question
26:58To answer your query, my dearest friend
27:00I would certainly enjoy tormenting the Tim Allen version of Santa just as much
27:05If not more so than the traditional portrayal
27:07There's something about that jolly movie star persona
27:11That just screams perfect candidate for some holiday horror to me
27:15This little plan will work because
27:17I'm going to kidnap Santa Claus
27:20So Santa is now a kidnap victim
27:23That's right
27:24This poor fella
27:25Santa Claus
27:27I'm pointing to a John Cena Santa
27:29But stick with me here
27:31He is being held captive by the Crypt Keeper
27:34And there's no chance that he's going to survive this
27:36He's going to be tortured and killed
27:38He's not even going to entertain negotiations for Santa's release
27:42Let all the little brats scream and shout
27:44I ain't never letting fatso out
27:47And if you think that's something creeps
27:49We'd like to get my hands on that rotten little Easter Bunny
27:52He he he he he he he he he he he he he he he
27:56How Santa?
27:58How Christmas?
27:59And Easter Bunny?
28:00How you two?
28:02I don't know what the Easter Bunny did
28:03I would have thought the Crypt Keeper would be down with the Easter Bunny
28:06I mean, that guy does horror too
28:08At least according to this movie
28:11Imagine that you had gotten the CD as a Christmas present during the 90s
28:14Well at this point
28:15Christmas is already here
28:17You're not going to have too much longer where you could play any of these songs
28:21And it feel appropriate
28:22So let's stretch it out like six more days
28:24And have a new year's song
28:26The famous
28:27Should old acquaintance be forgot
28:28But Auld Lang Syne is now going to be
28:32Should old cadavers be forgot?
28:34Though old cadavers tend to rot
28:38They're all good friends of mine
28:40I throw a party New Year's Eve for stiffs of every kind
28:48So we've had the Christmas rap which name dropped a bunch of horror icons
28:52Deck the halls with parts of Charlie which mentioned 90 celebrities
28:56And now for should old cadavers be forgot
28:59We're going to name drop a bunch of dead celebrities
29:02Dead kings and queens and movie stars
29:06And politicians too
29:09They all are SVP for my outrageous New Year's due
29:16You know, from what I've heard about the Crypt Keeper
29:20I wouldn't go to any of his gatherings
29:22If he murders his family at Christmas time
29:24What's he going to do to a bunch of random celebs that show up to his New Year's bash?
29:29Capote hugs Babe Ruth
29:32While Lincoln does the bunny hop
29:36With actor John Wilkes Booth
29:39So the concept of this song is
29:41Once you're dead, you're going to party with the Crypt Keeper
29:44You could be Babe Ruth
29:45You could be John Wilkes Booth
29:48And once you're dead
29:49Are you really going to bother holding a grudge?
29:51Eh, why bother?
29:52That's why John Wilkes Booth is at the same party as Abraham Lincoln
29:56J. Edgar Hoover's having fun
30:00But causing some to stare
30:03He showed up in Ginger Rogers gown
30:07And waltzed with Fred Astaire
30:10I don't know how many people these days would get the Hoover joke
30:14Uh, look it up
30:16That's what Google's for
30:17Richard Nixon's here this year
30:21And he's adjusted well
30:23He just announced he's running for Vice President of Hell
30:30Oh, that's nice to hear
30:32Even when you die, you can still run for office
30:34Good for Richard Nixon
30:36He could be the VP of Hell
30:37And then in the year 3000
30:39Be the president for Fry and Leela and Bender and all those guys
30:44But Elvis Presley came and went
30:47He had to get to bed
30:50So Elvis
30:52Dead?
30:53Not dead?
30:54Even the song doesn't know
30:55He says it really wears a mouth
30:59Not knowing if he's dead
31:02I don't know
31:03I think you're gonna have to call the Elvis hotline
31:06Or go to the Waffle House
31:08Which you can learn about here for the Waffle House Christmasy Day
31:13And old John Wayne is still a duke
31:17He swaggered in of course
31:20He punched out Stalin, Genghis Khan, and wild Bill Hickok's horse
31:27Nice to know that John Wayne is still a boss
31:30JFK's shown up
31:31Hey look out folks, there's JFK
31:35And his wife
31:36So he can't get into any funny business
31:40Romancing Jackie-o
31:43You know what makes this bash so great kiddies?
31:47It's the one party that everybody shows up at eventually
31:52Oh, it's nice to know that this song could always become more and more
31:57More current
31:57That's cool
31:58I feel like there's a stan culture that would be like
32:01Too soon
32:02Too soon
32:03You can't make jokes about blah blah blah
32:05Or blah blah blah
32:07There'll be musicians, businessmen, and hall of famers too
32:15They all are SVP for my cadaverous new years too
32:24I was even thinking of a name to put here and I'm like
32:26I don't know, that just uh
32:28But you know, thanks Buster Bunny for reminding me of my own mortality
32:32That's what I want from a Christmas CD
32:35So what was the spark of inspiration that made you write
32:38We wish you'd bury the missus?
32:40Which is clearly some sort of divorced dad anthem
32:44It's a wicked tune I crafted to comfort the hearts of the divorced and scorned during the festive season
32:49Why you ask? Misery loves company
32:52And there's nothing like spreading a little gloom and doom at Christmas to make my sinister heart happy
32:57Okay, so this is a viewer submitted question
32:59It's not me, don't blame me, don't cancel me for asking
33:03But uh, they want to know that, well you wrote this song back in the 90s
33:08If you were to redo it with modern day celebrities who've died, what names would you include?
33:14Imagine the ghoulish glee of having the likes of Prince, David Bowie, and George Michael in attendance
33:19And let's not forget the hauntingly hilarious presence of Robin Williams and Carrie Fisher
33:24Just imagine the wicked witty banter and the monstrously macabre memories we'd make
33:29I'd certainly invite the likes of Aaliyah, Tupac, and Notorious Big to my undead New Year's party
33:34Just imagine the haunting music they'd make together, the mournful energy they'd bring
33:39And let's not forget the chung souls like Mac Miller, XXXTentation, and Lil Peep
33:44It would be a truly tragic and macabre gathering
33:47Oh, oh, Jesus Christ, okay
33:49Sorry I asked, uh, also, no women at this party?
33:53I'd certainly welcome the spirits of Whitney Houston, Amy Winehouse, and Lady Gaga to join the festivities
33:59Lady Gaga isn't dead?
34:01Did you get confused because you saw that picture of her in a spirit cooking?
34:05Ah, my dear friend, you're right, Lady Gaga is still very much alive and kicking
34:09I must admit, my invitation to her for my undead New Year's party was a bit of a playful jest
34:15Given her association with those spirit cooking rumors
34:17It's just that when it comes to my morbid taste, I can't resist a good joke, even if it's a
34:22bit macabre
34:23Our next track is the most dad joke of the bunch
34:26It's called, I wish you'd bury the missus
34:30Boomer humor at its finest
34:32We wish you'd bury the missus
34:35We wish you'd bury the missus
34:38We wish you'd bury the missus
34:40She's been dead since last year
34:42That's right, the Crypt Keeper made a song for the divorced dad
34:46The entire point of this song is
34:48You've been storing these bodies way too long, John Wayne Gacy
34:51Go bury the missus
34:53She's getting quite gamey with mold on her skin
34:57You killed her last Christmas, that's how long it has been
35:01Can you at least go outside and bury her?
35:05Forget what she did and forgive the poor soul
35:09Just bury the hatchet and dig her a hole
35:13Why is this woman dead?
35:15Well, to quote Chris Farley, she's a Saigon whore
35:19It's true when you killed her, you sure had just cause
35:24She was stuck in the chimney with old Santa Claus
35:28And as the song goes along
35:30The Crypt Keeper is getting more and more frustrated with this guy
35:35The last thing on Christmas that folks want to see
35:39Are remains of your wife on your lawn Christmas tree
35:43And we're gonna end with a parody of a very, very famous Christmas movie
35:48Ferris Bueller's Day Off
35:50Are you still here, Crypt?
35:53The Crypt is closed
35:57Well, that was another crazy Christmas album
36:00If you have a suggestion of some other insane novelty holiday record
36:06Leave it in the comments
36:08I guess I can continue torturing myself for your benefit
36:12If you like this video and want to help out
36:14You can become a member of the channel
36:16Or just watch, share, and I don't know, spoil somebody at Christmas time
36:21We wish you'd bury the missus
36:23We wish you'd bury the missus
36:24We wish you'd bury the missus
36:26And big chunky boy
36:28If you enjoyed my delightful Crypt Keeper's Christmas Calamity
36:31I would strongly recommend checking out R. Kelly's Christmas album
36:34And the Waffle House Christmas CD
36:35And don't forget to show some love by hitting that subscribe button
36:39Leaving a like and a comment
36:41You wouldn't want to miss out on these festive musical masterpieces
36:45Go check out Joe Petty's fantastic holiday playlist
36:48Or else I shall be forced to unleash some monstrous mischief upon him
36:51And believe me, you don't want to know what I'm incapable of doing to a fellow ghoul
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