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FunTranscript
00:00Hi my name's Baz and I'm 41. For the last two years now I've been trying to
00:05kill my mammy but look at her. She is living proof that what doesn't kill you
00:09makes you stronger. Your fish fingers are ready Baz. And somehow she has become an
00:15inspiration to mammies everywhere. So this year to spice things up I've
00:19decided to take some new mammies along because law of averages some mammy's
00:24going to get it.
00:48So I'm not doing, I've made up my mind.
00:51Oh Jesus.
00:53We are the greatest.
01:03This week we're going to Uganda.
01:06Uganda?
01:07Yes.
01:08Uganda's an amazing country and it's my last chance to...
01:11Right.
01:12Get you.
01:13Which mammies are going to come on this Ugandan adventure?
01:17Anne and Joy.
01:18Joy of course is the only great grandmother out of the whole bunch of you.
01:23That's right so she is. We're all grandmothers but Joy is the only great grandmother and
01:29Anne is her English lady.
01:32Oh shut up.
01:34Will Anne survive?
01:35I'm sure she'll give it a go.
01:37But thinking about Uganda I've just remembered we have a priest down in Churchtown from Uganda
01:43and perhaps we could visit him. Anyhow we'll see. I'll go down to Mass tomorrow and meet him and we'll
01:49see.
01:52Erm...
01:53Now he's not in Kampala. He's four hours drive outside Kampala.
01:58I'm going to wrap you up there.
01:59Okay.
01:59So good stuff.
02:01Good stuff.
02:01Uganda.
02:02Yeah.
02:03Priest in Uganda.
02:11The pearl of Africa. A country gifted by nature.
02:15From tropical rainforests full of man-eating animals to chaotic cities where the traffic roars day and night.
02:21I'm hoping that a week here will be plenty of time to dispatch one of these lovely ladies.
02:27Please be careful.
02:28Please be careful.
02:28You keep an eye that way.
02:29We're starting our adventure in Kampala, a city where just crossing the road is dicing with death.
02:35Let's watch the bike.
02:36Watch the bike.
02:37Which is perfect if you're trying to knock off a few septuagenarians.
02:41I can't run that fast.
02:42Run as fast as you can though.
02:44The best way to get to know a city is to jump right in at the crazy end.
02:48And it doesn't get much crazier than this place.
02:51Kampala taxi park.
02:54Oh my god.
02:55Yeah.
02:56Look at that.
02:57Oh my god.
02:59This is going to be great.
03:03London has the tube.
03:05New York has the subway.
03:06And Kampala has the Matatu.
03:08These barely road-worthy minibuses are what people use all over East Africa to get everywhere
03:13and anywhere.
03:15My dad.
03:16My dad.
03:17I'm here to meet a guy who's going to give these three pensioners the ride of their lives.
03:21Matthew.
03:23Where's Matthew?
03:24Matthew, you're a very hard man to find.
03:27Matthew, where is Mark, Luke and John?
03:29Where are they?
03:30You'll pick them somewhere along the way.
03:31Okay.
03:33I'm ready for one of the biggest challenges you can have.
03:35Really?
03:36Right.
03:36It's a tough one.
03:38Driving the Matatu.
03:40What?
03:41No.
03:42You're going to drive.
03:44My mammy's will need to round up a busload of passengers and drive them through the chaotic
03:49streets of Kampala to Natinda, a suburb about 10 miles away.
03:54And they'll have to work as a team.
03:56Nancy will be our navigator.
03:57Joy will be the conductor.
03:59And Anne will be driving.
04:00Can you explain to me how to read a map?
04:02I'm whole.
04:04Jesus Christ almighty.
04:07This is bananas.
04:09Like this is dangerous.
04:11When you're actually here and you see all the people everywhere and like these buses slipping
04:15and sliding up there.
04:17And you think Anne's going to drive through that and they're going to work as a team together.
04:23I feel it's going to be a fail.
04:25Listen.
04:25How far in minutes is it?
04:28How far?
04:29In minutes?
04:30Like about 30, 40 minutes.
04:32What?
04:34You're kidding me.
04:3530, 40 minutes.
04:36What?
04:37I thought you were going to say eight minutes or something.
04:4130, 40 minutes.
04:42Don't say that again, okay?
04:45Baz, talk to me.
04:47Yeah.
04:47Tell me that I'm in a nightmare, will you?
04:49I haven't done gears for a while.
04:53But I'll hit it.
04:54Just what?
04:55Everything.
04:57I will kill people.
04:59You won't kill people.
05:00I'll kill people.
05:01I'll kill you for a stop.
05:02Listen.
05:03Killing me is different.
05:04I had it coming.
05:07Okay.
05:07So perfect start.
05:09We've got a conductor who doesn't know where she's going.
05:17My ma who can't read a map.
05:19But that's Katanga.
05:21No.
05:21How could we be going to Katanga if she's knocking on the bus to Tinder?
05:26That's rather confusing.
05:28And Anne, who's struggling with the basics.
05:31I don't even remember which is the brake.
05:34Great.
05:35All aboard.
05:36It능o!
05:37Itinta!
05:38Itinta!
05:39Itinta!
05:40Itinta!
05:40Is there air conditioning?
05:42No.
05:43Is there air conditioning?
05:44Is there air conditioning?
05:44Are you joking?
05:46No.
05:47Itinta!
05:48Itinta!
05:49No!
05:50Itinta!
05:50Itinta!
05:51I am very frightened.
05:54Itinta!
05:55They're mad!
05:56Itinta!
05:57Itinta!
05:58Itinta!
05:59Leave it safe for yourself, Joy.
06:02Come on!
06:04Right!
06:06Are we going or what?
06:09Hello, everyone. Hello. Morning. Morning. Hello. Hello.
06:14With the Matatu full of passengers, we're ready to go, and our lives are in Anne's hands.
06:19Am I in the first gear?
06:21No. First gear's top up here.
06:24First, Anne has to make her way to the narrow exit and get up the muddy hill and out of
06:29the car park.
06:30If she's hoping someone will politely let her out, she can think again.
06:34These roads are dog-eat-dog.
06:39A bit more truffle. Beep, beep.
06:49Oh, for God's sake. I'm dripping to the...
06:52It's okay. It's okay.
06:55That's it. Break, break, break.
06:59You want to bend the blade.
07:04Okay. You're not. You're not. Listen. Listen. Foot on the clutch. You've got to count down.
07:09No, no. I'll do the handbrake for you. Trust me. Anne, let me do the handbrake for you, okay?
07:14We are brashable in that.
07:16Anne, do you smell that burning?
07:18Yes!
07:18That's the clutch.
07:19I know!
07:23I'm not even sure if I'm completely far enough forward.
07:29Okay. If you open your legs, God...
07:35I'm in a bit.
07:36This is a high point, isn't it?
07:38Okay, come on.
07:38Did you see this happening?
07:40Stop it. Stop it.
07:42Okay, okay.
07:45Stop it.
07:52That's the wheels of this Death Trap and the edge of the road.
07:57Anne needs razor-sharp concentration, or it's curtains for us and for all those market stalls.
08:03Do you embrace?
08:05Brilliant.
08:12You're not too near there.
08:14Mum!
08:15Come on, please.
08:16Okay.
08:17Now, look at this side.
08:18That's fine. Don't worry about that. You stay this side.
08:20Yeah, but look what's on the side.
08:22Okay.
08:23Now, we'll get down there. I can't do it.
08:3078-year-old Granny Anne is a confident driver, but this is a far cry from navigating her Honda Jazz
08:36out of her local Waitrose car park.
08:41Okay, keep going. You're doing great.
08:48Slowly, slowly, slow down now. Slow down now.
08:51Foot on break, foot on break.
08:52Foot on break now.
08:53Oh, a day's coming now.
08:55Look what, I am on the car.
08:56Oh, you got it.
08:56I'm going right.
08:58You don't have to come out of first gear. Just keep it in first.
09:01You're doing great.
09:03Right on up.
09:05Woo!
09:07Right, so we made it out of the car park without plummeting over the edge of the road.
09:12But that's just the beginning.
09:13We now have to navigate through the chaos of Kampala's rush hour with a busload of innocent, I mean paying
09:19customers.
09:21Okay, I need money now.
09:23Eh?
09:23Money!
09:25How much?
09:262,000.
09:272,000?
09:28Yeah!
09:28Tontinda?
09:29Yeah, man!
09:30You want to get out here?
09:32No, I want to go to Tontinda.
09:34If you don't pay, you stay here.
09:39I'm so nervous.
09:41You don't even have to come out of first gear.
09:43Take your foot off that clutch.
09:44But I need the brake.
09:46I know, but the brake still works.
09:49I know, I'm so frightened.
09:51It's okay.
09:52You're fine.
09:53You're doing great.
10:01It took me a long time, but I've got it.
10:05You've got to stop riding the clutch though.
10:08Okay.
10:09You've got to take it off the clutch.
10:10Okay.
10:14Righty, so we've just about managed to get Anne into second gear.
10:17I want money.
10:19And Joy is managing the money situation with ease.
10:22Don't worry, hide behind the scenes.
10:24I know your face very well.
10:26I'm going to pay you.
10:27I'm going to pay you.
10:30Now I just need my ma to step up her map reading.
10:33So we go straight on.
10:35What's your name?
10:36My name?
10:37Yeah.
10:38Yes, sir.
10:38So we keep going straight, do we?
10:41Yeah, right.
10:43Are you looking at the map?
10:44I am, yeah.
10:45What's the route around this roundabout?
10:47We keep left, roundabout.
10:48We keep left.
10:49How can you keep left on this roundabout?
10:51You mean go straight through it?
10:53Oh, yeah, yeah.
10:53Are you really reading the map?
10:55I'm trying to.
10:56Well, at least Anne seems to be getting into the swing of things.
11:02Keep going.
11:05Idiot.
11:07Shut up.
11:10You give it as good as you get, girl.
11:12He doesn't own the road.
11:16I hope he doesn't want this bus because I'm stopping for no one now.
11:21Far too nervous.
11:23You're a fantastic bus driver.
11:27No fairer we know.
11:30I know it's far from perfect, but it does seem like the mammy's have got some sort of system going.
11:35Is somebody getting out?
11:37No fairer we know.
11:45I'm not just asking you.
11:49Yes?
11:50Right over.
11:53That's OK.
11:54It's OK.
11:55Sorry everybody!
11:56Sorry everybody!
11:57Sorry everybody!
12:09Finally, after an hour on the road, and somehow bang on schedule,
12:13Pulling in here.
12:14Yeah.
12:15Stop here.
12:16The Mammies have managed to get the Matatu and its passengers, and me, safe and sound
12:21to the final destination.
12:24Right.
12:25Last stop.
12:26Last stop.
12:28We love it.
12:30Good man.
12:32Bye-bye.
12:33Same time next week.
12:34I don't think I've ever been so frightened in my whole life, but I did it.
12:41And tonight, I'm going to have more than one glass of wine.
12:45Hey!
12:47Hey!
12:47Hey!
12:49Get over here for your love of glory.
12:51Woo!
12:52It was fun.
12:53It was fun.
12:54And I'm proud of myself.
12:58Didn't I do well?
12:59Very, very well.
13:02Everybody's still alive.
13:03That's the good bit.
13:05I'll tell you what I love about Anne, is she was so petrified and so panicky and so freaked
13:12out, yet she's still sat in that sea and left that taxi park, and that takes bottle.
13:18Three cheers on your girl.
13:20We need a bottle of brandy tonight.
13:22She's ballsy.
13:23She did really, really, really good there.
13:26So this is no tinder.
13:28This is no tinder.
13:29Where's the bar?
13:30No, no.
13:31Right there.
13:31Right there.
13:32Great.
13:33This way.
13:33Let's go.
13:35Let's go.
13:36Let's go.
13:37Let's go.
13:46Let's go.
13:48After surviving Anne's driving yesterday, I'm finally back behind the wheel.
13:57Drive slowly now.
13:59We've left behind the chaos of Kampala on our way to the shores of Lake Victoria.
14:06It's a long and beautiful road, but we haven't seen a service station since we left the city.
14:13Okay, I need to get a drink.
14:15Okay.
14:17I need to get something.
14:17Get something.
14:21What have you got?
14:23Roast beef?
14:24Hamochi.
14:25Hold on.
14:27Hamochi.
14:28Can I try the chicken?
14:30Hold on.
14:31Hold on.
14:32Wait.
14:33Oh, Jesus Christ, lads.
14:34Hold on.
14:36I don't want it.
14:37I want one.
14:38Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
14:40Got it.
14:41Got it.
14:42That's all I have.
14:43He's gone.
14:47Okay.
14:52We've got plenty of drinks, yeah?
14:54This isn't really good.
14:55What?
14:56How much did I pay you for that?
14:59You just gave me 20,000.
15:00That's all I have.
15:01What's it going on about?
15:03Here.
15:04Okay.
15:04Done.
15:05Bye-bye.
15:06See you later.
15:07Bye-bye.
15:08Bye-bye.
15:08Bye-bye.
15:10Bye-bye.
15:11I've had the first mouthful.
15:12It's delicious.
15:13This is twice as good as the Sheraton.
15:17Bye-bye.
15:21Now, it would be a sin to bring my mommies to the heart of Africa and not let them see
15:26some of the local wildlife.
15:28This place, you probably figured out, but this is the Ugandan Wildlife Centre.
15:32Yes.
15:32Okay?
15:33It's a place for rescued animals.
15:35What are you pointing at?
15:36My lace.
15:37Don't you worry about that.
15:38That's no problem.
15:39I'll try that in a sec.
15:40And, Isaac, these are my mommies.
15:42I'm going to hurl them at you.
15:43This is joy.
15:44I'm going to treat my mommies to the experience of a lifetime.
15:48They're going to put their maternal instincts to good use and look after some orphan chimpanzees.
15:56With 12 grandkids and great-grandkids between them, looking after baby chimps should be child's play.
16:07There's one chimpanzee called Sonny who they're trying to integrate into the group.
16:13Oh, my God.
16:15That's okay. Don't worry about that.
16:16So, our job is to integrate Sonny into the group because Sonny's kind of like the outsider at the moment.
16:23And I'm okay with my glasses.
16:25My glasses.
16:27Can you not do...
16:29Are you fine without?
16:30We could support you when we are inside.
16:32Yeah, I think so.
16:33I drank as the only pair I have.
16:35And, yeah, they...
16:36I'm not sharing these.
16:37Wait a minute.
16:38Wait a minute.
16:39Because I had no idea.
16:41This is fine.
16:42This is fine.
16:42I think I'm going to take it off.
16:43All right.
16:45I think they're terrified.
16:46I think they've seen Planet of the Apes and they think that they're going in here and it's going to
16:50be full-out wars on, you know?
16:51Monkeys trying shit at them, robbing their glasses, stealing their jewelry.
16:56It's kind of like a trip to New York.
16:58That's what they think this is.
16:59And this?
17:00But it's not like that at all.
17:02You know, they're going to love this.
17:04I'm really frightened.
17:06Don't be frightened.
17:06I am.
17:07But...
17:09Maybe it's best.
17:12Fuck that.
17:13Here you go.
17:16Animals can sense fear.
17:18So I'm hoping the ladies can take a leaf out of my book and keep their composure.
17:24Jesus Christ almighty.
17:27He just jumped out of nowhere and scared the shit out of me as well.
17:31Don't speak like that.
17:32Oh, I'm so sorry.
17:33I'm so sorry.
17:34So sorry I reacted.
17:38For this to work, the ladies will meet baby chimp Sunny before introducing her to the other young members of
17:45the group.
17:46Oh, God!
17:47And I'm on your hand.
17:49No problem.
17:50I'm sorry.
17:51Okay.
17:52Sunny's coming.
17:53Hello, Sunny.
17:54Oh, God, Sunny.
17:55Hi.
17:56Hello, Sunny.
17:58Hello, Sunny.
18:00Oh.
18:01What is it?
18:03Look at the ears.
18:04Oh, you're a good girl.
18:06Who is Sunny?
18:08Oh.
18:10Oh, you want her?
18:12Oh.
18:13She's so cute.
18:15Yeah.
18:17Hello, good girl.
18:18It's very fast.
18:19Yeah.
18:20Sunny has really taken a shine to our joy.
18:24All right.
18:24Come on, girl.
18:26Give me five.
18:27Yay!
18:28Yay!
18:30Yay!
18:30Yay!
18:32Yay!
18:33Yay!
18:35This is perfect.
18:36It's like mammy's in the mist.
18:38Now that we've gotten used to Sunny and the chimpanzee world, we are now going to introduce other individuals to
18:46Sunny.
18:46Okay.
18:47Okay.
18:47One at a time or all together?
18:49Uh, I...
18:52Oh.
18:55Oh, you're quite big.
18:58Oh, you're quite big.
18:59Oh, God.
19:01Oh, that's not funny.
19:03Oh, get them for a minute.
19:05I want to stand up.
19:06I must stand up.
19:08Oh, God.
19:09Okay.
19:09Okay, guys.
19:10Yes.
19:11Oh, God.
19:12They look much bigger than Sunny.
19:14Oh, God.
19:17The ladies are quite freaked out.
19:19Yeah.
19:19Hence, mum, in the Sunny position, as we're going to call her from now on.
19:24I'm not frightened except when they came lunging at me.
19:29So things aren't going quite as smoothly as I'd hoped.
19:32My mum and Anne were supposed to be helping integrate the chimps.
19:35I'm not going to...
19:35Just take it for you.
19:37Yeah, no, no.
19:37The tooth.
19:39But Joy, at least, is holding her own with these boisterous toddlers.
19:45You are a natural, Joy.
19:47Just keep them near you, please.
19:53Oh, oh, oh.
19:55That's playing.
19:56No.
19:56Yeah.
19:57Oh, I tell...
19:58Come here.
19:59Come here.
19:59No, no.
20:00They're so strong.
20:01They're so strong.
20:03Okay, I remember my mum flinging a soda stream at me when I started acting up.
20:07She was never such a pushover with me.
20:09Can he open the gate?
20:12I might have pushed it a little too far.
20:15It might be a little bit too physical for them.
20:17But you can't get it right all the time.
20:22Imagine they were all going to be like Sonny's.
20:25Lovely and cuddly and nice.
20:28And...
20:28But the others...
20:29I never realised it's such strength.
20:31The babies.
20:32I mean, what about the mommies?
20:34Sure, if they gave you a belt, goodnight.
20:37Huh?
20:38Sonny?
20:39Sonny?
20:39Mum and Anne have made like king of the swingers and legged it.
20:42But no-nonsense great-granny Joy won't let a couple of cheeky monkeys beat her.
20:46Be quiet now, boys.
20:50The picture I had in my head with that was us with chimpanzees, little nappies.
20:56These are chimps.
20:57Like, these aren't playing around, man.
21:00These aren't monkeying about.
21:02Oh, boy.
21:03I've got a workout here.
21:05Amazing.
21:07But like a typical grandmother, Joy knows when it's time to hand the babies back.
21:12Is the heroin well done?
21:15Oh!
21:15So I'm left on my own to help integrate Sonny into the group.
21:19I'm doing what?
21:20But I can smell that things aren't going as planned.
21:22No-one wants to see that.
21:24Oh, my God.
21:25This is pretty much like me going to the zoo with my kids.
21:28With my kids.
21:29These chimpanzees are just rooting into my pockets for nuts.
21:33And my kids do it for money.
21:34They both play about the same.
21:36They both buy.
21:36My kids are probably a little more vicious.
21:38Here.
21:39Leave it out.
21:41Fred.
21:42What?
21:43Oh, look at that.
21:44Look.
21:44You're missing it, just kids.
21:46See?
21:46As soon as I put my hand out.
21:48Play!
21:50It's all right, man.
21:52Oh, look.
21:52Look.
21:53Sonny is clutching, Baz.
21:55They killed the squirrel.
21:57They killed the squirrel.
21:59They killed the squirrel.
22:00This is getting darker by the second.
22:05Oh, my God.
22:06They did.
22:07What's wrong?
22:08What's wrong, Sonny?
22:10Where's Sonny taking me?
22:12Where are we going?
22:12Wants to take you to the safe area.
22:14This is how it's ended.
22:16It's me and Sonny quite freaked out on our own with that dead squirrel.
22:21This place is starting to go slightly bananas.
22:27Lads, calm down.
22:28The longer I spend in here, the more I feel the mammies had the right idea.
22:34Jesus, they're everywhere.
22:36Stop messing, Frank.
22:39Like, Jesus.
22:42Where are you jumping?
22:44Forget it, mate.
22:46Yeah.
22:47Keep scratching.
22:49Come on, Sonny.
22:50We're getting out of here.
22:54Can I leave?
22:57Someone open this case for me.
23:05It's 7am on a fine Sunday morning in Uganda.
23:08And while my mum has already been up for three hours.
23:11Hello.
23:12Morning.
23:13Could I have an orange juice, please?
23:15When you're ready.
23:16Thank you very much.
23:19Joy and Anne are getting into their Sunday best.
23:22Here's a little song I wrote.
23:24You might want to sing it note for note.
23:28Don't worry.
23:30Be happy.
23:33I'm putting on my little cross that matches my dress.
23:42I'd better do something with my face, which I haven't done.
23:47And my hair I've given up on.
23:50It is so easy for me to just hold on to that cross and just say a little prayer.
23:57And I say, thank you, Lord.
23:58Even if I don't even feel down.
24:01We're just going on and, oh, thank you for this beautiful day, Lord.
24:12Usually when we're away, I'm happy that my mum isn't on my back about going to church.
24:17But as luck would have it, my mum's church in Dublin is visited every year by a priest from Uganda.
24:23And so my clever mum has hijacked our trip of a lifetime by forcing us to drive 200 miles in
24:29the wrong direction to meet Father John.
24:33I just think it's funny how you've organised for us to go visit a priest that you met.
24:37Why not?
24:39If you were in Uganda and you've met...
24:41I am in Uganda.
24:42No, but I mean, if you were and you met somebody at home from Uganda, they said, we're going back
24:48tomorrow.
24:49You say, well, I'm going to Uganda.
24:51Maybe I could pass by you and see you.
24:54I know, but do we have to go to a mass?
24:56I'll pass up that and won't tolerate any of that.
24:58All right, all right.
24:59So does he know you're coming today?
25:01Yes, I guess he does.
25:03I know that a knight of the Roman Catholic, but I think he may sound alive.
25:08Oh, that doesn't worry me.
25:09I know someone from every religion who is a friend.
25:14Oh, Baz, can you...
25:16It's not me.
25:26It's not me.
25:31I think this is it up here.
25:33I think this is it up here.
25:33Is it?
25:33Oh, well, you'd better cover up those tattoos.
25:36What?
25:37If we are going into the job.
25:39Yeah.
25:39And you would be like this.
25:41Maybe if you had a nice, just a top to cover your arm.
25:45But now?
25:45Yeah.
25:46Just please put a jacket on.
25:48Okay, right, whatever.
25:49Now.
25:54We're on the side of the road.
25:55I couldn't have done this somewhere else, no?
26:06I'm glad you think it's funny.
26:08Hold on.
26:09Now, your shoes on you.
26:11No.
26:11Just give it a second.
26:12Now, you look much better.
26:14You look fine.
26:15Grand, as they say.
26:16Good man.
26:23Now, if I remember masks right, it's a couple of sleepy pensioners, usually one crying baby
26:28and a lot of handshaking.
26:29Oh, my God.
26:30Oh, my God.
26:32So, none of us were expecting a turnout like this.
26:37Hello, Father.
26:38Hello.
26:39Welcome, Nancy.
26:41Thank you very much, Father.
26:42You're welcome.
26:43Word has gone around about today's visitors, and it's mommy mania.
26:47We are all so delighted to see you.
26:48Hello.
26:49Yes.
26:50We love it.
26:52All she needs now is her own Popemobile.
26:59We are going to have mass.
27:01Bars like to do the reading at mass.
27:03Of course, Father.
27:05I'll get him to do the reading.
27:06He'll be delighted.
27:08Thank you, Father.
27:09I can't quite remember the last time I was in church, but I do remember being expelled
27:14from three different Catholic schools.
27:17But hopefully, God is all-forgiving and he hasn't remembered.
27:20So, I'll just sit here quietly and not draw any attention to myself.
27:25I want to get my beads at least.
27:28What are you getting there?
27:28My rosary beads.
27:33You're doing a reading, aren't you?
27:36Yes.
27:36You want to check over the reading.
27:38In front of all these people?
27:40What?
27:40You want me to do it in front of all these people?
27:42Yes.
27:45Jesus Christ.
27:47Bless them.
27:52Isn't one of the Ten Commandments, thou shalt not kill thine mammies?
27:58Oh, dear.
28:13I now invite Baz to take the first reading.
28:18Great.
28:19Thanks, her.
28:43Hello.
28:47A reading from the prophet Isaiah.
28:49The Lord says this.
28:51I'm coming to gather the nations of every language.
28:55They shall come to witness my glory.
28:57I will give them a sign and send some of their survivors to the nations.
29:02To the Tyreish.
29:05I knew he wouldn't let me down.
29:07If I asked him, he might make faces and tatter, but I knew he'd do the reading.
29:13From all the nations to my holy mountain in Jerusalem, says the Lord.
29:19This is the word of the Lord.
29:21Thank be to God.
29:25It was very sweet.
29:27She was very taken by it.
29:29This stuff matters to her, you know?
29:31We have a kind of rule.
29:32I live my life and I have my beliefs and she doesn't take the piss out of it.
29:35And I never take the piss out of what she believes in, you know?
29:38Thank you so much.
29:39It's so welcome.
29:41I was in the wrong.
29:43I was in the wrong position of that.
29:44It's so welcome.
29:46It's so welcome.
29:52It's so welcome.
30:03It's come with me and do what I want.
30:13I feel very lucky that I've joined you here today.
30:20Yes, Lord. Thank you, Father.
30:23Thank you. I'm the one that's on.
30:24Thank you, Father.
30:28This is one of those days where I expected nothing from it.
30:31It's just a nothing day where I'm just going to Mass with her just to keep her happy.
30:35And it ended up being a really, really lovely day.
30:41You know, I'd be first to slide things off, but it was brilliant.
30:44Smile!
30:45Ah!
30:48Ah!
30:50Ah!
30:50Ha!
30:51Ha!
30:52Ha!
30:54Ha! Ha!
31:02Be careful there, man. Can you see?
31:05I can see.
31:07There's a bite there, man.
31:09I see him.
31:11That's a big truck stuck out there, love.
31:14No.
31:16It's quite dangerous, really, isn't it? Can you see?
31:20I can see, yeah. I can see what you can see.
31:22And I can't see too much.
31:25It's our last day in Uganda, and despite everything I've thrown at them, still all tree mummies are alive and
31:31well.
31:33I think they all are.
31:36I think they all are.
32:01You just, you just sleep, sweetheart. I'm only, I'm only, I'm only, I'm only slagging you while you're asleep.
32:20Sweet dreams, sweetheart.
32:20But my mummies better not get the wrong idea because I'm bringing them here on our most dangerous adventure yet.
32:27This has got nothing to do with us.
32:34Right, ladies, this is just a big distraction.
32:37This is what we're doing today.
32:38Have a look at this.
33:02This is one of the deadliest rivers in the world, and many an explorer met his maker trying to navigate
33:08us.
33:08It looks very fast.
33:09Oh, it is fast. Look at it.
33:10So let's hope some of their misfortune rubs off on us. Them, I mean.
33:14I can't swim.
33:16You don't need to swim. You just need to paddle, like, paddle.
33:18I will be throwing hope off that thing.
33:21You're not going over. We're going to paddle our way down the Nile.
33:25No way, man.
33:26Before this pandemonium of panic gets out of hand, I better introduce this lot to Sadaf.
33:31This is my mum, Nancy.
33:32A world-class rafting expert who's been taming this river since he was a boy.
33:37This is me.
33:38I'm terrified. I'm from London, and I wish I was there now.
33:42How about Sadaf?
33:44Yes.
33:44Suppose some of us got to fall out Sadaf. What happens?
33:48If you fall out, can you swim?
33:50I absolutely cannot swim.
33:52Neither can I.
33:53We got the life jacket, like the one I'm wearing now, but still try our best to keep you in
33:58the boat.
33:59In the boat?
33:59Yeah.
33:59How long have you been doing this?
34:01I was born in the three months ago.
34:03There is no crocodiles or anything in the river. Are we going to meet any animals?
34:07They're not there anymore because people hunted them and they ate them.
34:10If two of us fall out and one goes there and one goes there...
34:15Have you ever had anyone that has fallen?
34:17I'm just going to leave you to ask him whenever you want.
34:21Sometimes falling in, I'll say...
34:22Mum's done whitewater rafting, but she's acting like she's never...
34:25She's no idea what it is.
34:27None of them can swim, but that's only a problem if they fall out of the boat.
34:32How do you keep your teeth so wide?
34:34I see these people here.
34:35Oh, thank you.
34:36Yeah, use something special.
34:38Because I keep smiling all the time.
34:39I love these smiles.
34:40I'm going to save you from these women, so I'm going to take you over here, mate.
34:48I have a very bad knee.
34:50Whitewater rafting may not be their sport of choice, but my mum and Anne are both gold medalists
34:55in the field of competitive whinging.
34:57Watch and learn.
34:58I'm only worried about my knee, otherwise...
35:00Well, I have a knee as well and I have my ankle, so...
35:03Yeah, you're the same.
35:04Mine actually doesn't show.
35:07And I'm the same with my knee.
35:08But it goes like this, like yours.
35:10Listen, you need to bring it back down a level and just breathe.
35:15Wait now till I get this knee over.
35:19If the ladies could just trust me and stop panicking...
35:22Oh, Jesus.
35:23...then we could get out onto this dangerous river where they'll actually have something to panic about.
35:29Yay!
35:29Let's go!
35:33Water is already in.
35:34Yeah.
35:36That's it, girl.
35:37Forward paddle.
35:38Forward paddle.
35:39To make it out of this river alive, we need to navigate a number of Grade 5 rapids that should
35:44only be attempted by skilled and experienced
35:46storesmen.
35:47This is a back paddle.
35:48Yeah, back paddle.
35:49That's it, man.
35:50You're doing great.
35:51With me, I've got three grandmothers with absolutely no experience.
35:55We're in trouble.
35:56Woo!
35:58Woo!
35:59Woo!
35:59Woo!
36:01Woo!
36:02Woo!
36:02Woo!
36:03Woo!
36:03Woo!
36:03Woo!
36:03Woo!
36:10Woo!
36:13Woo!
36:16Woo!
36:20Woo!
36:22Woo!
36:27Woo!
36:29Woo!
36:31Woo!
36:32Woo!
36:34Woo!
36:34Woo!
36:34Woo!
36:36Woo!
36:37Woo!
36:39Woo!
36:40Woo!
36:49All right, we're good.
36:51You can get up now.
36:52Sit up, up, up, up.
36:54The next one will come up very soon.
36:55It's called Vengeance.
36:57Vengeance, oh, that's a terrible name.
37:00It's a great name.
37:01It's a big raft.
37:03I don't like the look of him.
37:05This is one unforgiving river,
37:07but before they've even wiped the water off their glasses,
37:11it's straight back into the drink.
37:13Jesus.
37:13And this rapid is even bigger.
37:16Oh, God, no.
37:17Can we go around him?
37:19Joy, get down!
37:20Get down!
37:21Get down!
37:22Get down!
37:24Oh, God!
37:34Vengeance!
37:35Vengeance!
37:38Oh, God, no!
37:45PLEASE RIRE
37:45Oh, God!
37:49Oh, God!
37:54Oh, God!
37:58Oh, God!
38:00Oh, God!
38:02Oh, God!
38:16You can get up just enjoy the view
38:28As the rapids subside so does the mammy's panicking this is starting to feel like a nice
38:35Day out. This is very pleasant. I'm happy to do this for two hours. This is the Nile. It's incredible
38:47I think we're very brave. I think you're doing it duplendously well
38:57God you're getting more cowardly by the minute
39:01So where are you heading after this? Home. Home? Yeah. I'm hoping we'll get home. Home to Ireland and to
39:09England
39:09Have a girl ma. Have a boy
39:14With only the biggest and most dangerous rapid left. It's time for another dunking and you know what I think
39:21these ladies are actually starting to enjoy it
39:37Oh shit
39:39Another one
39:40Oh shit
39:52Another one
40:21It was the best fun we've had as a group honestly
40:24They screamed their asses out there all the time
40:26And laughed and enjoyed it. You know, it wasn't just like please get me off this this thing
40:39It was great. I enjoyed it. You're not dead yet. There's still life in you
40:45And what more proof do you want?
40:47How are you doing?
40:48How are you doing?
40:49I'm doing great boys
40:50I'm going to be 78 in September. I call that Nelly 78, don't you?
40:55I don't feel my age today. I feel
40:58Wow!
41:02I can't believe that I, George Johnson, had done that. And it was fun, fun, fun
41:15So not only did the Mammy survive the Nile, they absolutely loved it. So for our last night in Uganda,
41:22they're in for a treat. After what I've put them through, my God they deserve it.
41:27This is the source of the Nile five-star luxury
41:29I have never
41:30Oh my goodness
41:31Oh my goodness
41:32Ever seen anything like it
41:38Oh look at this
41:39I cannot believe this
41:41Oh my God
41:42This is life
41:44Oh my goodness
41:45Oh my goodness
41:47Oh my goodness
41:48Oh this is something else
41:49It's over
41:50I can't believe it
41:52Thank God they're not dead
41:55Unbelievable
41:56This is the good shit
41:57Trust me
41:58Sorry
41:59No, no, no
42:00Sorry but this is the good shit
42:02This is, it doesn't get better than this
42:03I'm sorry what to say to you
42:04Alright, sorry Mum
42:05Yeah
42:05No
42:06This is really good stuff
42:08I suppose people look at these Mammy's and they think, oh wow, they're amazing ladies
42:13But what you realise is they're quite ordinary pensioners
42:18Home again
42:19Home again
42:21Home again
42:21Home again
42:21Home again
42:22For she's a jolly good fellow
42:24One day I know
42:25I feel home again
42:28Home again
42:28Home again
42:29But they've just had someone there just to kind of give them that little noise
42:33It's in there
42:34It's in there
42:35It's in there
42:35And maybe you're sitting looking at your own mum
42:38You don't have to go to Uganda to get on an adventure
42:40You just have to spend some time with them and do something different
42:44And God knows who you might find in your own mum or dad or whoever it is, you know
42:48Now you've brought out your arms
42:50Home
42:52None of us
42:53None of us would be here if it wasn't for Nancy
42:55We keep left
42:56Roundabout
42:57We keep left
42:58And people see her and they think there's that amazing lady
43:02No no no no no no no no
43:03And it's just mum
43:06One day I know
43:07I'm sure
43:08And am I sad it's over
43:12Yeah, I'm heartbroken
43:13Maybe you'd take a picture of you and I having to puppeteen
43:18I mean, you, would I?
43:19Yeah.
43:21I'm immensely proud of my mum.
43:25Who'd want that to end?
43:28You know, this is some corny shit, by the way.
43:36Smile again, smile again
43:42One day I hope to make you smile again
43:46I will hide
43:49Rufus Hound is the new face of Valko,
43:52but it's not long until he's ruffling a few feathers at the checkout.
43:56Trollied returns Monday at 9 on Sky One.
44:00Moving on
44:03So I'll close my eyes
44:06And look behind moving on
44:16To be continued...
44:17See you next week
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