- 2 hours ago
Abbott Elementary Season 5 Episode 15
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00:00Okay, this is a good one. Would you rather be your current height or three feet tall, but you can
00:05dunk?
00:06No, I want to get outside. This is a car crash.
00:09What is going on?
00:14Oh, every boy!
00:16Why, oh, why was I texting my chop punk whilst driving under the influence?
00:30Good morning, Gavin Elementary. We're here for the samurai, and we're here to teach you about fire safety, rap about
00:35the dangers of drugs, and improvise about texting and driving.
00:39But say not, because it's a dancing matter.
00:45What the hell is going on?
00:47The district is very good.
00:50Moving inside, guys. Come on.
01:03All right, so check. We'll all meet back up here and recap what we learned about safety.
01:07And now, Abbott, you are no strangers to having firemen around here.
01:11So nice to see.
01:12I just can't believe he's this awake.
01:14We were up till four in the morning.
01:18I have my own sleep to tone in, and while it has been helping me sleep, it has been giving
01:23me the most vivid dreams that I cannot make sense of.
01:27Principal Coleman will choose a teacher to expire in a texting and driving accident.
01:32They cannot talk for the rest of the day, not even to other adults.
01:36This feels dark for an elementary school.
01:38It absolutely is, but unfortunately, because of budget cuts, all elementary, middle, and high schools.
01:44To stock these halls, bumming everyone out.
01:47So when are y'all got to pretend to be Mr. C all day?
01:51I hope you're okay with those being your last words, because you're done.
01:55I choose Gregory.
01:56I didn't do anything.
01:56No talking!
01:57You dead!
01:59Huh?
02:00A O O O was more important than watching the road.
02:04FYI, you also hit a horse.
02:06Oh, Gregory.
02:07What?
02:07I'm sailing, and Gerald is a baby strapped to the mast, and the rudder won't work.
02:14Boring!
02:15No dream talking to teachers.
02:16Certainly didn't expect this news today.
02:17Okay, well, hold on now.
02:19Babies mean rebirth.
02:21So, am I at a rebirth?
02:23It's Jerry to you, happy birthday to you.
02:28It's no one's birthday.
02:29I just needed your attention.
02:30Look at this.
02:31Hiya.
03:00Commissioner's Liason representative.
03:01You know that against Jacob?
03:02Gregory drove his car into a hole.
03:04Oh, but she's in mourning.
03:05Oh, wait, but that's not real.
03:08That's a great question.
03:09If I had to put it into words, I'd probably say...
03:13Okay, if you don't get up there and start your presentation, I'm going to set myself on fire.
03:17Please don't.
03:18This school is so flammable.
03:20Battalion chief.
03:22Newest what now?
03:23Getting a promotion, I found out this morning.
03:25Won't be official until the swearing in, but if you wanted to start a bit.
03:28So, you're going to be a suit?
03:30Well, no.
03:31It's a tucked-in shirt, but on Fridays, I can go Hawaiian.
03:34No more climbing ladders to...
03:36So, I thought to celebrate, I'd get a bottle of champagne and reactivate my HBO Max account for the month.
03:41Yeah, no, that sounds great.
03:44First time?
03:45Every time after that, though, it's been...
03:50I better get up there.
03:51Okay, that...
03:52Finally won the war on drugs.
03:53Okay, everybody, take out your homework.
03:55We're going to go over the stuff that we're talking about.
03:57Why are you talking?
03:58You killed a horse.
04:00The Johnson will be taking over.
04:01Ava, I think that's...
04:02Uh-uh.
04:02Mr. Eddie is breaking the rules.
04:05Now, I hate to speak ill of the deceased, but every...
04:08You're good hands.
04:10Janine!
04:11Yeah?
04:12Did you see that campaign video I sent?
04:14Yes, got my vote.
04:15My trip to liaison.
04:16Look, look at her Facebook post about it.
04:18Oh, my God.
04:19She is still updating her status.
04:21What a sicko.
04:21Yeah, but look at her platform.
04:23I mean, she thinks we don't need...
04:24I know.
04:25Well, look, it says she's hosting a town hall over lunch.
04:27Maybe you could go.
04:29Oh, my God, yes.
04:30All I have to do is inform...
04:32I feel better already.
04:33Mm-hmm.
04:33Democracy has never been more alive.
04:35Thanks, Captain Robinson.
04:38Thanks, guys.
04:40What does it mean, in a dream, if you are on fire but cold?
04:44Sorry, Barb, you're on your own.
04:46Hey there, honey bear.
04:48Oh, are you sure you're still allowed that close to an open flame?
04:51Well, I can tell you this much.
04:53Captain Robinson grilled flank steaks.
04:55Chief Rob...
04:56I knew.
04:57Okay, just kidding.
04:58Barb, I'd invite you.
05:00Let me know.
05:03Melissa, that he is absolutely smitten with you.
05:06Yeah.
05:07I'm gonna dump him.
05:11Okay, you're gonna who's in love with you.
05:13Barb, he got that promotion.
05:15He's basically gonna be a fire accountant.
05:17Melissa, you can't really be upset.
05:20He's gonna sit at a desk, do a bunch of paperwork, teach people.
05:23What the hell kind of life is that?
05:25Okay.
05:27Before you would think, come on.
05:30Talk to the man.
05:32You two have been together a long time.
05:34Yeah, you're right.
05:36But he gave it to me in a dream.
05:38Mm-hmm.
05:39All right, class.
05:42Oh, whoa.
05:44Oh, gosh.
05:46Oh, it's good to see you.
05:47Have a cookie.
05:48Heck, take a couple.
05:49I took him from our break room.
05:51They're from...
05:52Issues being discussed and or debated.
05:54Um, since I'm running unopposed.
05:56This is technically a formality.
05:57Or, no.
05:59Formally a technicality.
06:00Making me sound like an influencer?
06:02Yes.
06:03Okay.
06:04What are your election questions?
06:06My son.
06:07What is your stance on...
06:08I'm not really into body horror.
06:10What do you think about the current student-to-crossing guard ratio?
06:13That's a trick question.
06:14I don't see ratio.
06:1651st District Board of School Commissioner's Liaison Representative even does.
06:19And how are you pronouncing that?
06:21Yeah, why are you even running for this?
06:23It seems like you don't care about...
06:24Fill my time.
06:25This was fun, you little girl master.
06:27If no one else in the audience has any questions, though...
06:30Yeah.
06:31Then I think it's a pretty good...
06:32Oh, for me!
06:38I'm not gonna lie to you.
06:43Howdy, y'all.
06:45So, I know this class has been through a lot today.
06:50Hey, Gregory, I need to talk to you.
06:51It's very important.
06:53Okay, settle debate.
06:55Me and the second graders are having...
06:56...for powers, but you always have to go to the bathroom.
06:58The kids are saying that.
06:58Random reminder, Abbott.
07:00Speaking to Mr. Eddie is strictly off-limits today because of the bad choices he made.
07:04Ma'am.
07:04Sorry.
07:06Mr. Eddie, what happens when people die for real?
07:14Okay.
07:18Yeah, I'm actually not mad at this.
07:19I don't have to answer or ask me what a BBL was.
07:24Crigger!
07:25I went to Tina Schwartz's town hall.
07:27She was district board of school commissioner's liaison representative.
07:30Do you picture her?
07:32Right.
07:33You can't talk.
07:34But you can listen.
07:38My God, of course.
07:40Why can't I be the one who...
07:43...ask?
07:44Got you.
07:44Settle in.
07:45And Elijah and I got into another fight about ethical shrimping.
07:49This is actually so bad.
07:55Hey, this is my little firecracker.
07:57It feels like I've barely seen you all day.
07:59You hiding from me?
07:59Do you not want me to be promoted?
08:02No, I'm just...
08:03He has such a good thing going now.
08:05Like, you really...
08:06You're helping people.
08:0850,000 pounds of shiny red metal.
08:12Swinging axe.
08:14Hauling hoes.
08:14Be careful, there's kids here.
08:16Signing paychecks.
08:17Shh.
08:21That is a very small part of the...
08:24Are you listening to yourself?
08:25You want to be an assistant organizer?
08:27Why would you want that?
08:29The danger would be gone.
08:31Yeah, exactly.
08:32Of course.
08:33Y'all, this is a library.
08:35I shouldn't have to tell this to a teacher and a fireman.
08:37So loud.
08:39The problem is that I didn't sign up to be with a desk jockey.
08:46Come on, my class.
08:54Hey, Ava.
08:55How's your day?
08:56Talking to Gregory.
08:57We normally check in with each other throughout the day, but now I have no idea if he enjoyed
09:02his lunch or not.
09:03I have no idea what he'd rather.
09:05It really goes to show you, you know, one day you're driving and the next day you hit a
09:08horse.
09:09Hold that thought.
09:10Tragic news, Abbott Elementary.
09:12I caught on fire while on the way to improv, and now she's gone.
09:15No, kids, I'm here and I'm alive.
09:17She was also doing drugs.
09:18Those were her last words.
09:21How'd the talk go with Captain Robinson?
09:24I don't think he gets why I don't want him to take the promotion.
09:26Honestly, neither do I.
09:28Life at all.
09:29Maybe not directly, but Barb, what if he wants me to slow down?
09:32Because that ain't happening, Barb.
09:33I've lived a life of craziness.
09:35And that crazy is going to change because of this man's promotion.
09:40He's not going to smell like burning buildings anymore.
09:42Should I get him to start your own future?
09:45Then you are his.
09:47Maybe.
09:48Mm-hmm.
09:49And now that I've helped you, it's your turn to help me.
09:52Oh, filled with milk.
09:53Barb, that's a sex dream.
09:57But...
09:57Gang, gang, chat's low-key going off.
10:00Freeze.
10:01Okay, now using what we learned today, who spotted how my bro Harold mess up?
10:08The First District's been waiting for.
10:09Gregory and I had an amazing convo earlier, and we think that you should challenge Ms. Schwartz
10:13for office.
10:13...to open the board of questions.
10:15And in fact...
10:17Dang, and it's been bugging me all day, too.
10:19Okay.
10:19I'm gonna...
10:21No talking!
10:22Now, you were saying...
10:24...is really good?
10:26Say more.
10:28I don't know how I would.
10:30Ava.
10:31Please rev...
10:32...to you.
10:33Okay, you joke, but now I'm gonna have to process that hypothetical guilt.
10:36As 51st District members, what are we gonna do?
10:39I mean, could you...
10:40Well, it's working out okay for this school.
10:43Other places, not so much.
10:44Somebody has got to challenge her.
10:47Why don't you do it?
10:48Do what?
10:49Uh-huh.
10:50You test my resolve, but maybe it could be me.
10:53I mean, I do prefer grassroots localized elections over state...
10:56I have a campaign video to record.
11:00Fellow teachers of the 51st District, my name is Jacob Hill, and I am asked...
11:06If little Jacob could see me now, he would be thrilled.
11:09And then he'd be like, we're gay?
11:10Do we have a boyfriend?
11:11Is he...
11:12So that's a long way of saying no.
11:15Texting while doing drugs isn't technically illegal.
11:17Well, the drugs part absolutely is.
11:20Somebody, anybody to help me with my dreams.
11:22Okay, so now, what does it mean if your teeth are falling out of my mind?
11:28Please!
11:28I'm trying to do something here!
11:31Why don't you go sit with the other irresponsible teacher in the back?
11:36Safety day is a nightmare.
11:40Life is random as hell.
11:42I have a friend who died when a helicopter lynched drugs.
11:44No, I know what I saw.
11:46Yo, Captain!
11:49Hey, come on!
11:52That was creeping you out, Melissa.
11:53Listen, I'm sorry I was weird about the promotion, okay?
11:57It's just, you and me, we're fun.
12:00I don't want that to change.
12:03Um, my crazy ass ain't changing.
12:06It's just gonna be in a better chair going on a Harley.
12:09Really?
12:10Yeah, really.
12:10What do you think this is for?
12:11Oh, yeah, okay.
12:12Hell yeah.
12:13I look great taking my helmet off.
12:15You look great doing everything.
12:16Promotion.
12:17I'm really proud of you.
12:19I should have left with that.
12:22Chief.
12:23Yeah, now you're getting it.
12:26Eventually, I am flying over what seems to be the Divine Lorraine Building.
12:32But...
12:32Uh, yeah, that sounds like a little more of the melatonin.
12:34Yeah, but I thought that with your studies in hallucinations that you might be able to help me understand what
12:39it means.
12:40Miss Howard, you were flying?
12:42Yes, in a dream, which is something that nobody wants to hear about.
12:46We want to hear about it?
12:47The scene.
12:50So, I am free-falling.
12:52And have been for 20, 30 minutes.
12:55And...
12:56The bed.
12:59Wow.
13:01Can I run another one by you?
13:03Sir Charles Schwartz?
13:05But you won her a conservatorship.
13:06Not anymore.
13:07I came down because I saw that campaign video that you posted on the district website.
13:11And I just...
13:12That I'm running for.
13:13Well, the only thing screwed up is your election chances.
13:16I am running against you for 51st District Board of School Commissioners lead.
13:23Hey, why?
13:24Because you are completely unqualified for the position.
13:28In good conscience, let you take that seat without a fair fight.
13:31Well, then good luck, chump.
13:34Because I always get into fights at...
13:37She looks great.
13:39Getting out of day school was the best thing that ever happened to her.
13:41Jacob, I am very proud of you.
13:43Even though...
13:44He's running for mayor of Area 51.
13:45He's probably going to be assassinated for it.
13:48Okay.
13:49Okay.
13:52All right, done for the day.
13:54I can get those pennies back and you can talk now.
13:56Not that you ever stopped.
13:57Actually, I think we're okay being silent.
13:59I had to go to the bathroom all the time, but I was a superhero.
14:02One, how badly do I need to go?
14:03And two, is it number one and number two?
14:05Uh, hmm.
14:07Also, you can wear a mismatch style.
14:08Wrong socks.
14:09You still here?
14:10I just need to get the other...
14:12Shh.
14:14Wow.
14:16Delicious.
14:19Delicious.
14:21Delicious.
14:22Delicious.
14:23Okay.
14:23Ciao.
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