- 1 week ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00From Hollywood, it's Jimmy Kimmel Live!
00:04Tonight, Zach Graff and Donald Faisal, plus Chris Fleming with the Kletos.
00:11And now, Jimmy Kimmel!
00:15Jimmy Kimmel Live!
00:32Jimmy Kimmel, the host of the show.
00:35Thank you for watching, thank you for coming, thank you for joining us.
00:38We are coming to you from Los Angeles, California.
00:45You know, I appreciate that.
00:47You know, sometimes watching what's going on in Washington
00:50feels like we're all watching a TV show,
00:53like it's a scripted situation.
00:55And today, we had a red wedding on that TV show.
00:58A shocking elimination on the celebrity of President
01:02as Trump finally fired a member of his Cabinet.
01:06It's the fourth life of his second family.
01:10And that elimini is the now former Secretary of Homeland Security,
01:15Kristi Noem.
01:16After two disastrous hearings in the House and Senate,
01:20Kristi Noem will be, as Trump said, moving to be Special Envoy
01:25for the Shield of the Americas, our new security initiative
01:28in the Western Hemisphere.
01:30And I think I speak for all of us when I say
01:32we wish Kristi luck in her brand-new, completely made-up job.
01:37You know, Trump is interesting.
01:41Trump was said to be particularly unhappy with Noem's testimony,
01:46claiming that he signed off on a $220 million ad campaign
01:51that featured her in commercials wearing different outfits,
01:54rounding up immigrants, and riding a horse.
01:58Trump claims he didn't know anything about it,
02:00even though we all knew everything about it.
02:02But you know him. He doesn't watch much television.
02:07Hi, President Trump. How are you?
02:10You know, this morning...
02:13This morning, like, minutes before she got the ax,
02:16the DHS pushed back against criticism of those commercials,
02:21saying the domestic ad campaign has been the most successful ad campaign
02:25in U.S. history.
02:28Even more than where's the beef?
02:31More than what's up? I don't know.
02:35If that's true, that's very impressive.
02:37You know what the funniest thing would be?
02:38The funniest thing would be if they deport her to El Salvador.
02:41That would be...
02:42Wouldn't that be?
02:45So...
02:46She's still in the job.
02:48She's expected to leave by the end of the month.
02:50And Trump already has a guy ready to replace her.
02:53The president's pick is Mark Wayne Mullen,
02:56the senator from Oklahoma.
02:57Mark Wayne Mullen is a former MMA fighter
03:00and a plumber.
03:02Before this, he had a plumbing business.
03:06According to White House staffers,
03:08Trump loves watching him on TV.
03:10And I agree. I love watching him on TV, too.
03:12In the same way I loved watching Honey Boo Boo on TV.
03:16We have seen a good bit of Senator Mullen
03:18over the past couple of years,
03:19and let's just say that Mark Wayne is no Mark Twain.
03:22When you're talking about drinking at 10 in the morning,
03:25that's a drinking problem.
03:27Now, it doesn't mean that there should be a stigma...
03:30Well, there's a lot of politicians
03:31that have a drinking problem, Jake.
03:33Yes, of course.
03:35He just got in saying that the president was racist
03:37because he doesn't like brown people,
03:39yet I sat in front of you as a Cherokee Indian,
03:41and I'm very close friends with the president.
03:43We've all made mistakes. I've made mistakes.
03:46And, Jennifer, thank you for loving him
03:47through that mistake.
03:49Because the only reason why I'm here and not in prison
03:52is because my wife loved me, too.
03:55It's the first time we've had a real backbone
03:57to the Western Hemisphere since 1989
04:00when we got rid of Noriega,
04:03or not Noriega, what's the word I'm looking for there?
04:07Well, in Panama.
04:09And when we ousted Noriega, that's what it is.
04:13If you want to talk about being unqualified,
04:15Pete Hegseth.
04:16The gentleman...
04:16Or not Pete Hegseth, I'm sorry.
04:18Pete Buttigieg.
04:19You want to do it now?
04:20I'd love to do it right now.
04:21Well, stand your butt up, then.
04:22You stand your butt up.
04:23Oh, hold on.
04:24Oh, hold. Stop it.
04:25Is that your solution of your problem?
04:27No, no. Sit down.
04:28Okay, a lot of times,
04:29if you talk to the people of Kyiv...
04:31Or not Kyiv, but...
04:33In my mind, just let me...
04:35Crimea.
04:36Crimea. Crimea.
04:38Unfortunately, you have President Hegseth,
04:40or I say President Hegseth, Secretary Hegseth,
04:43that has got a great relationship with President Trump,
04:46and President Hegseth's been there.
04:47It's up to the Iraqi people, or I'm sorry,
04:49the Iranian people.
04:50It doesn't mean you can't rebuild.
04:51I mean, people have car accidents
04:53and obliterate their bones and their legs,
04:55and yet they can still put, you know,
04:57they can still put metal back in them
04:59and walk again.
05:01This is war.
05:02You can see this is war.
05:03We haven't declared war.
05:04They declared war on us,
05:05but we haven't...
05:05Secretary Hegseth.
05:06We haven't declared...
05:08Just now, you said this is war.
05:09They called it war.
05:10They called it war.
05:11What I was saying...
05:12Okay, well, that wasn't misspoke,
05:13but I was saying that they declared war on us,
05:15but war is ugly.
05:17And you want to sit there
05:18and say that he's not qualified?
05:20Give me a joke.
05:24I think we just got one.
05:26Anyway, hey, thank you again, Mr. President.
05:30The homeland is secure.
05:33Here's who I think should be head of the DHS.
05:35I got this video sent to me about 11 times today.
05:47That's Taekwon Pizza, though.
05:49That's... I mean, if you're going with wrestlers,
05:51why not him?
05:52First time around, in his first term,
05:54Trump fired everybody.
05:55This time, he went more than a year,
05:57but maybe the dam is broken now.
05:59If so, who will be next?
06:01There are so many deserving candidates.
06:03Pam Bondi, Kash Patel, Bobby Kennedy.
06:06Maybe at the top of the list,
06:07the actor pretending to be our Secretary of War.
06:10Well, President Trump recognizes the wisdom
06:13of the Monroe Doctrine.
06:16And the days of us betraying and endangering
06:19our own citizens are finished.
06:23President Trump has reestablished the Monroe Doctrine,
06:27the Trump corollary of the Monroe Doctrine.
06:30Or if you'd like, for short,
06:32you can just call it the Dunro Doctrine.
06:37Can we call you D-Bag for short?
06:39Is that what you'd like?
06:44Let me tell you something.
06:45There is a 100% chance Trump thinks the Monroe Doctrine
06:49refers to Maryland.
06:52Republicans have been trying to play both sides
06:54on this war in Iran.
06:55Most of them won't even call it a war,
06:57even though the President does every day.
06:59J.D. Vance has been very quiet.
07:01During the campaign, the now Vice President said
07:04a war with Iran would be, quote,
07:05a huge distraction of resources
07:07and that a conflict between Iran and Israel
07:10would be the most likely and most dangerous scenario
07:13for getting us into World War III.
07:15So he's been deep in the cushions of his couch this week.
07:19Which is probably smart because the former Vice Poodle,
07:23Mike Pence, has been making the rounds.
07:25You know, he works at Walmart now.
07:27He wears a vest at the front door of a Walmart.
07:30He waves at children.
07:31But Mike was on CNN last night with Caitlin Collins
07:34who asked what most everyone's asking is,
07:36does the President have any plan
07:38on how he's gonna get us out of this war?
07:40Do you believe the President knows
07:42when to get out of Iran?
07:46I... I don't know that I would say that we're in.
07:49Same thing his wife said on their honeymoon, by the way.
07:54Mother Pence would not approve of a father
07:58talking like that in front of Caitlin.
08:00This war, or whatever they want to call it,
08:03it's not going over well with America.
08:04Majority of Americans think Trump is making the U.S. less safe,
08:08but that is according to a poll
08:10from those radical left-wing lunatics at Fox News.
08:13It's not...
08:13In an interview with the New York Post today,
08:16the paper of record, Trump said,
08:17you cannot let Iran, who's a nation
08:20that has been run by crazy people,
08:21have a nuclear weapon.
08:23Which may be true, but it's exactly the same thing
08:26every other country is saying about us.
08:29Trump also said he should have a role
08:32in choosing the next Ayatollah.
08:34Which, yeah, why not? Make it a TV show.
08:36That's...
08:38I'm... I don't know for certain,
08:41but I have a feeling the Iranians would love
08:44to have meatloaf running the country.
08:47Oh, he's dead? Oh, he's dead?
08:48Make it Gary Busey, then.
08:50It's...
08:50The House today voted down a resolution
08:53that would have put some guardrails
08:55on Trump's random acts of war.
08:57All but two Republicans backed the president publicly.
09:00Privately, it's a different story.
09:01Politico is reporting that several House Republicans
09:04have secretly been comparing Trump's actions in Iran
09:07to when LBJ went into Vietnam,
09:10which is, I don't know...
09:12Donald Trump would never go to Vietnam.
09:15He's proven that.
09:16And the most important thing is
09:18we're not spending as much time talking about
09:21the Trump-Epstein files.
09:23That's what matters most, you know?
09:27Although...
09:28We got an update on the more than 47,000 documents
09:32that mysteriously vanished from the government's website.
09:34You know, some of these missing files
09:36contain disturbing allegations
09:38against a person who, for legal reasons,
09:41I can't say his name, but he's currently the president.
09:44Um...
09:45After intense pressure from Congress,
09:47the Justice Department just about an hour ago
09:49published those missing files,
09:51including a transcript of the accusers' interviews.
09:55Um, coincidentally, as that happened,
09:58a group of pastors showed up at the White House
10:00to pray over Donald Trump,
10:02who is definitely taking a nap in that video.
10:06And I know this is something that...
10:09Every one of us has been thinking,
10:11I know that, but...
10:13Just can you imagine if the DOJ
10:16had been holding FBI interviews
10:18with a woman who claimed that Joe Biden
10:20sexually assaulted her when she was a young teenager?
10:23It would be rage-boner-palooza at Fox News.
10:26They would have to hire a team of those kids
10:29who swabbed the court at the NBA games
10:30to mop the foam out of Sean Hannity's mouth every minute.
10:35Yesterday, the Republican-controlled House Oversight Committee
10:38voted to subpoena Attorney General Pam Bondi
10:41to force her to explain what the hell has been going on.
10:43But scheduling that could be a problem,
10:45because, you know, she and Kash Patel
10:47just launched their new show
10:49inside the redactor's studio.
10:51And...
10:52By the way, if you're wondering why Bill Clinton,
10:54Hillary Clinton, and now Pam Bondi
10:56have to testify and Trump doesn't,
10:58it's because you can't put Donald Trump under oath.
11:01If he swears to tell the truth,
11:03that's already perjury.
11:06And then...
11:09While...
11:10While this is going on,
11:12we have our Secretary of Health, R.F. Cray Cray,
11:15picking a fight with the big coffee companies.
11:17During a rally in Austin, Texas,
11:19Kennedy used his beautiful voice
11:20to question the safety merits
11:22of all those high-calorie coffee drinks.
11:25We're gonna ask Dunkin' Donuts and Starbucks,
11:29show us the safety data
11:31that show that it's okay for a teenage girl
11:35drinking iced coffee
11:36with 115 grams of sugar in it.
11:38All of a sudden, the Trump administration
11:40is interested in the safety of teenage girls.
11:43How about that?
11:44I think, you know what?
11:45Maybe Trump should get his gang together
11:47and say ixnay on the teenage Earl's Gay this week.
11:51Let's keep that one out of the speeches for a bit.
11:53But Robert Kennedy...
11:58...doesn't believe Dunkin' and Starbucks
12:01and the others while we're at it
12:02will be able to exonerate themselves
12:04on this sugar issue.
12:05Which, he's not wrong,
12:07but remember when Michelle Obama
12:08suggested we eat more vegetables
12:10and the right reacted like she was cum...
12:12some kind of zucchini-amine?
12:15Uh...
12:15Now we're all ears when we hear it
12:17from a guy who looks like
12:19a Costco rotisserie chicken.
12:21The governor of Massachusetts, this is a big deal there,
12:24took great offense to this attack on Dunkin'.
12:27She wrote, come and take it.
12:29Which, that's right, you are gonna have to pry
12:31those Dunkin' Donuts out of Matt Damon's cold, dead,
12:36nubby little, constantly masturbating
12:38to his own headshot hands.
12:46And one more thing before we move on.
12:49It's Thursday night,
12:49and that means it's time to bleep and blur
12:51the big TV moments of the week,
12:52whether they need it or not.
12:53It is this week in Unnecessary Censorship.
12:59How often did you communicate with Mr. Epstein?
13:02Usually only on the trips.
13:06I did his ass once, as you know.
13:10I'm done with this.
13:11If you guys are doing that, I am done.
13:12You can me from now until the cows come home.
13:15The passage where you talk about a dog
13:18that was 14 months old.
13:20At that same lunch hour, you a goat.
13:22We have only just begun to .
13:26Lindsey Graham, I saw him,
13:28I saw a video of him this morning,
13:30and he was choking back .
13:32All right, Senator Lindsey Graham,
13:35thank you for us off this morning.
13:36We really appreciate it.
13:38you.
13:39We are now joined by North Texas beekeeper Nate .
13:43Nate , thank you for your time.
13:45Thank you very much, Lindsey, appreciate it.
13:47Today, almost anyone anywhere can access
13:50a vast universe of .
13:52in the palm of their hand.
13:54How about we say you, Mr. President?
13:57You've got 24 hours to live.
14:00What's on your to-do list?
14:04Eat a .
14:10Eat a .
14:16Hey, we've got a good show for your night.
14:18Chris Fleming is here.
14:19We have Si Smith sitting in with the police folks tonight.
14:22We'll be right back with Zach Graff and Donald Faison.
14:28Let's go.
14:30Yes!
14:31Yes!
14:33Yes!
14:35Yes!
14:36Yes!
14:36Yes!
14:36All right, Wollaban.
14:38Tonight, a very funny man who has a very funny new comedy special
14:42called Chris Fleming, Live at the Palace.
14:44Chris Fleming is with us next week.
14:49We're working next week, Guillermo.
14:50Yes, we are, Jimmy.
14:52Okay. Harrison Ford will be here next week.
14:54Will Forte will be here.
14:56Olivia Munn, Leslie Odom Jr., Sarah Chalk,
14:59Matthew Fox, Bunny XO, and Conan O'Brien,
15:02who is hosting the Oscars here on ABC
15:04with music from B.B. Retson, Nora Jones, and Joshua Homme.
15:08And also, I want to mention, because she has been sitting in
15:10with our band, The Cletones, all week,
15:13a very talented singer and songwriter,
15:15Cy Smith. Thank you for being here.
15:17Thank you. Thank you so much for having me.
15:21Our first guests tonight met at our real best friends
15:25who met at a fake hospital 25 years later.
15:28Is it 25 years later? Really?
15:3125 years. Like you know.
15:33Yeah, I know.
15:34They are back and scrubbing each other again,
15:37watching all new Scrubs Wednesdays at 8
15:40here on ABC and the next day on Hulu.
15:42Please welcome Zach Braff and Donald Faison.
15:44Come on.
16:02Wow.
16:0525 years.
16:0725 years, Jimmy.
16:08Holy can.
16:09You're still really close.
16:10Maybe you're...
16:11Are you closer than you ever were?
16:12I'd like to say so.
16:14Absolutely. We spend all of our time together.
16:17I'm godfather to his children.
16:18He was married in my backyard.
16:20Yes, we're very close.
16:22It seems like you might feel that you're closer to Donald
16:25than Donald does to you.
16:27That's true. I do most of the reaching out.
16:29I try and FaceTime him like four times a day,
16:31and he answers maybe once.
16:33That's not true. That only happened once.
16:35I get very excited to talk to him.
16:38Is it really four times a day?
16:39No, yeah, it's really four times a day.
16:41I honestly, he doesn't answer the FaceTime,
16:44so I'm on iMessage.
16:45He'll do a ha-ha maybe once a day,
16:47but I'm very needy, and I want his attention.
16:50He's a lot. He's a lot.
16:52And you've got a lot of kids to deal with.
16:55And I do have a lot of kids to deal with.
16:57You guys bicker?
16:58I like, you know.
17:01Absolutely. We get in big fights.
17:03We did a podcast.
17:05We did a rewatch podcast, and he was so late.
17:08Donald's very often late to things,
17:09and he was so late to the...
17:11You're on time tonight.
17:12Yes.
17:12I was the first one here tonight.
17:13Oh, really?
17:14Yes, I was. Yes, I was.
17:15We did the podcast, and he showed up,
17:17and he didn't...
17:17He was like a half hour late.
17:19We do it on Zoom, and he showed up.
17:20He didn't say, like, sorry.
17:22He goes, oh, y'all mad?
17:25First of all, I was three minutes late.
17:27That's not true at all.
17:28I was three minutes.
17:28And then we got into a big fight,
17:30and the engineer recorded the whole thing.
17:32And we were like, we can't...
17:33We got to cut and just regroup tomorrow.
17:35And so we told the fans,
17:37but we didn't release the fight.
17:38And the fans of our podcast have always said,
17:40release the fight.
17:41Release the fight.
17:42Absolutely.
17:42Well, they should know that the fight
17:43was about me being three minutes late.
17:45It wasn't three minutes.
17:46That's the thing.
17:46So you didn't release the fight?
17:48No, we'll never release the fight.
17:49I don't think we'll never release the fight.
17:50No, words were said, Jimmy.
17:51We said some things.
17:52They can't be taken back.
17:52Really?
17:52We said some things.
17:54It got heated.
17:55Will you send me the fight?
17:56Yes.
17:56I'll send you the fight.
17:57You should totally listen to the fight.
17:58You can totally listen.
17:59It's trivial.
18:00It's hilarious,
18:01because it's like a married couple having a tiff.
18:03At one point, he was like,
18:04I'm so angry.
18:06Yeah.
18:08And meanwhile,
18:09the engineer and the producer are like,
18:12they were like,
18:12is this over?
18:13Is the podcast canceled?
18:14I was like, no,
18:15we'll be back tomorrow.
18:15Don't worry about it.
18:16I understand why you don't want to release the fight.
18:18Would you consider hiring actors to play each of you
18:21and have them act out the fight word for word
18:24as it happens?
18:25That depends on who the actors are.
18:27Okay.
18:28They have to be like really good actors.
18:29I want Michael B. Jordan to play me.
18:32Okay.
18:32Yeah, yeah, yeah.
18:32He can play both of you.
18:34He'll play both of us.
18:37That's the way to go.
18:38Michael B. Jordan plays both roles.
18:40That's actually hilarious.
18:41Michael B.,
18:42if you're down to play us in the fight,
18:44we would love to.
18:44We would love to release it.
18:45You say you're three minutes late.
18:47You say you're 30 minutes late.
18:48It was probably somewhere in between those two.
18:51Let's be honest.
18:51Yes.
18:52Who apologizes in a situation like that?
18:55Donald hasn't apologized in 25 years.
18:58Let me tell you something.
18:58This is how late he is.
19:00He had a birthday party at his house.
19:03And so everyone that knows him is like,
19:05well, let's go.
19:06Even though he lives far away from us,
19:07there's no way he can be late to his own birthday party.
19:10We all show up at his house,
19:11and we're like holding presents,
19:12and his wife answers the door,
19:14and we're like, where's Donald?
19:15She's like, oh, he's not here.
19:17She's super Southern.
19:18And we're like, where is he?
19:19And she points to the TV.
19:20There's a live feed to a kid's basketball game,
19:23and he's at the game.
19:26I hope it's one of your kids.
19:27It's my kid.
19:27It was my child.
19:31And she's like, don't be mad.
19:33There's a food truck in the back.
19:35You make her sound like a prospector every time.
19:39She's a little late.
19:40I don't do a great.
19:41Does she carry a pickaxe?
19:44She's super Southern,
19:45but maybe it's not that Southern.
19:46As Godfather, do you take that seriously?
19:50Are you there?
19:51Do you give talks?
19:52What do you do?
19:53I don't know if I give talks,
19:54but I love the kids,
19:56and I think I make them laugh.
19:58How many of the kids are you godfather to?
19:59I get only two.
20:01Okay.
20:01Are you nicer to those two?
20:03Absolutely.
20:04Yeah, yeah, right.
20:04Yeah.
20:05I only give presents to those two.
20:09The other,
20:10the others,
20:11that's somebody else's.
20:12Yeah, right?
20:13It's expensive, you know?
20:16And Donald,
20:17do you wish that Zach had kids?
20:20Oh, I wish Zach had someone special in his life right now.
20:23I really do.
20:24He is the ultimate third wheel, though.
20:26You know, my wife loves him.
20:29He pays for dinners.
20:30It's all, you know, it's...
20:32Yeah, I just show up on the date
20:33with the two of them and pay for dinner.
20:38He's amazing.
20:38He's not a good wingman.
20:39He's not a good wingman.
20:41I used to be a great wingman.
20:42Back in the day.
20:43I was a great wingman
20:45when I was younger.
20:46When I wasn't married,
20:47when I was single
20:48and in the club,
20:50I was a great wingman.
20:52For Zach or for others?
20:53For him.
20:54Oh.
20:55This dude came into the world
20:57very fresh and new.
20:59You guys didn't know him
21:00really before Scrubs.
21:02I had a little bit under my belt.
21:03You know, I was in movies
21:04like Clueless,
21:05Remember the Titans,
21:06Way Next Door.
21:10And this dude
21:11was waiting tables at the time.
21:13Right.
21:13I couldn't get into any clubs.
21:17But Donald was like the
21:19right?
21:20And I was the guy
21:21who couldn't get in.
21:22But I finally got in
21:23and I'm on a dance floor.
21:24And I hadn't been on, like,
21:25a dance floor
21:25since, like, my bar mitzvah.
21:27Well, hold on.
21:29Scrubs is on the air
21:31and you got in.
21:31You became...
21:32Yeah.
21:33Now, Jimmy,
21:33back in the day,
21:34this was, like, 2000,
21:35something was happening
21:36on the dance floor
21:37where women were, quote,
21:38backing their things up.
21:42Now, I did not know
21:43how to handle this
21:44or what I was supposed to do.
21:46Why don't you show him
21:46how they would back it up?
21:47Well, I can't.
21:48Show him how they would back it up.
21:49Yeah, can you show us?
21:51Like...
21:53Well, you...
21:54I'll back it up.
21:55Yeah, yeah, like that.
21:59They were doing that.
22:00They were doing that.
22:01I wouldn't know what to do, either.
22:01I didn't know what to do.
22:02And so I was standing there
22:04with someone doing that
22:05in front of me
22:05and I looked to Donald, like,
22:07what am I supposed to do here?
22:09And what is it?
22:09And then he said...
22:10I looked at him,
22:11I was like...
22:21So then...
22:22So then...
22:23So then...
22:23Like, I couldn't do it that night.
22:24I didn't have the courage.
22:25But then, like, a week later,
22:27I looked over at him
22:28and he looked over at me
22:29and I was like,
22:29I'm doing it!
22:34Did he do it right?
22:35He did all right.
22:36He did all right.
22:37He's a pro now.
22:38A woman?
22:39Well, no, I don't do it now.
22:40We don't go to the clubs anymore.
22:42We haven't been to the club in years.
22:43So you've really enriched...
22:44I don't even know
22:44if people are still backing
22:45their things up.
22:46I don't even know.
22:47I wonder if they are still...
22:49Are they still backing
22:50their things up?
22:50Guillermo will know.
22:51Yeah, Guillermo, or they're not...
22:52No, I don't think so.
22:53Yeah, he doesn't know.
22:56We're going to take a break.
22:58Zach Graff and Donald Faison are here.
23:01They are quite...
23:02Obviously know each other very well.
23:04We'll come back.
23:04I'm going to put that to the test.
23:05I have a little test for you.
23:07Scrubs is their show.
23:09It's Wednesday nights here on ABC.
23:12CHEERING
23:13CHEERING
23:23But some things never change.
23:25Turk and I were hanging like old times.
23:26Hey, buddy.
23:27Two chiefs.
23:29We're all set, bro.
23:30Once I feed the kids,
23:31I'm going to take them to practice
23:32and I'm going to drop them off
23:33at sleepovers.
23:34Carla has a shift at Urgent Care,
23:36but that gives me a four-hour window
23:37for our poker party.
23:39Come on.
23:39No.
23:41Did someone say poker?
23:43I'm in.
23:43Uh, sorry, Uch.
23:44I actually don't have a seat for you.
23:46Oh, I wasn't asking.
23:48I'll bring the bean.
23:51Uch is legitimately crazy.
23:53Out of his damn mind.
23:55That is Zach Graff and Donald Faison.
23:57It is Scrubs.
23:59It is back.
24:00You, um...
24:02You got...
24:02And by the way,
24:04even more popular than before,
24:06which is kind of crazy, isn't it?
24:08We're very, very, very, very grateful
24:09to everyone who tuned in.
24:11Thank you so, so much.
24:12But, yeah, it was a huge...
24:13It's been huge for us so far.
24:14I, you know, I didn't expect this.
24:16Did you expect this?
24:17No, we didn't expect it.
24:18We were very nervous
24:18because the fans are so loyal to the show.
24:20Right.
24:20We wanted to get it right for them.
24:22And so far...
24:23Yeah, you could go...
24:24In a way, it's like going back in time
24:26and ruining what you did the first time.
24:28Completely.
24:29We did not want to do that.
24:30We didn't want to divide the fans in any way.
24:33If you two, like, over the past 25 years,
24:36had gotten really fat,
24:38like, let's say you'd each gain, like,
24:39you know, 135 pounds,
24:41do you think they would have went ahead
24:42with the reboot?
24:43Or do you think they would have said,
24:44no, we can't do it?
24:46I mean...
24:47I did gain a ton of weight.
24:50I'm going to be honest with you.
24:51I got huge, you know,
24:53and then when it did come back around,
24:55I was like, I should lose some of this.
24:57I see.
24:57Okay.
24:58All right.
24:58So you weren't thinking...
24:59You just had a little dab bod.
25:00You, um...
25:01Is it weird to be back?
25:02Is it, like, going back to high school or something?
25:05It's funny.
25:05You know, the trippy thing is that we shot...
25:08We used to shoot in an abandoned hospital,
25:09which has since been torn down.
25:11So we recreated the hospital on stage,
25:14but down to the, you know,
25:15every single thing is the exact same.
25:17So it's very surreal to walk around.
25:19Abandoned hospital, huh?
25:19Yeah, it's weird.
25:20You know, doors that used to lead to open areas and stuff
25:24just lead to a soundstage now.
25:25So it is really surreal.
25:27You forget...
25:28You know, it was something like 16 years ago,
25:31the last time we were in the abandoned hospital.
25:33Yeah.
25:33And still, to this day, when we were filming,
25:36it still felt like we were still in that old hospital.
25:39That's how great of a job our crew did.
25:41Yeah, that's very strange.
25:42It's like somebody going back and rebuilding
25:44your childhood home or something.
25:45It's exactly like that.
25:46That's exactly what it is.
25:47And is the behind-the-scenes group largely the same
25:49as far as people at work on the show?
25:52The crew is all new, but there are some of the OG writers
25:57on the writing staff.
25:58Uh-huh.
25:58And then, you know, the show is about a teaching hospital,
26:01and now we're the chiefs of surgery and medicine,
26:04and so we've introduced some interns
26:05that we can be educating the next generation.
26:08Now, Zach, you told People Magazine
26:10that you guys are like a married couple.
26:12Yeah, we are.
26:12I think we saw a little bit of that,
26:14and so we thought it would be fun to see if you are,
26:20and we're going to play a game called the Oldlywed Game.
26:22This is not Newlyweds,
26:25because if you've been together for a long time,
26:28you know how it works, right?
26:29I should start by saying I'm a horrible speller,
26:31so please...
26:32I will ask one of you...
26:33No one will judge you if you misspell, honey.
26:35Okay, thank you, Ben.
26:37It's H-O-N-E-Y, by the way.
26:39Yeah, yeah, yeah.
26:39Also, you can lean over and ask Jimmy.
26:41Okay, I will do that.
26:42Okay, so, first of all,
26:44first question is for Zach, but you both answer.
26:46You have to hide it, though, dude.
26:48What is Donald's biggest fear?
26:50The thing that scares him.
26:53What is Donald's biggest fear?
26:55Mm-hmm.
26:59Yeah, I'm ready.
27:00Okay, all right.
27:01Zach, what did you say?
27:03His health.
27:04His health.
27:05Oh, that's a good one,
27:06because that's true also.
27:09The dude is at the doctor, like, every third day.
27:12I am, I am, I am.
27:13Like, every day, really.
27:14But I said sharks and the beach.
27:17Sharks and the beach.
27:19Sharks and the beach?
27:20Or sharks at the beach?
27:22Like, both.
27:23You scared of the beach?
27:23I don't like, I think the beach is, like,
27:25one of the dirtiest places you can go, man.
27:27It's like, it's literally dirt and water.
27:31This has...
27:32Literally.
27:32This has never come up.
27:35Really?
27:35I've known him for 25 years.
27:38You should ask my...
27:39You have never mentioned sharks or the beach.
27:41You should ask my real wife.
27:43Ah!
27:45Donald.
27:46Yeah, hold on.
27:46You need this.
27:47You need that.
27:47What was Zach's first movie?
27:50And I'm not talking about some, like, kind of student film.
27:52I'm talking about his first real film.
27:55That people saw?
27:57Yep.
27:58No.
27:58No, he means the first one I was ever in.
28:00You got to hold this up.
28:01I can't.
28:01I don't know that one.
28:02You should know that.
28:03So, I know this one.
28:05I will tell you, a very famous director.
28:08You may have read about him in the Epstein files.
28:12Oh, wait!
28:23That was too good of a clue, Jeff.
28:24Sorry, sorry.
28:26Oh, well, you got his name.
28:27Yeah, yeah.
28:28But do you know the movie?
28:33You're close enough.
28:34The movie was?
28:35It's a Woody Allen movie.
28:36Woody Allen Manhattan Murder Mystery.
28:38That's right.
28:39Manhattan Murder Mystery.
28:40Yeah, yeah, yeah.
28:40Now, Zach, in Donald's first movie,
28:43he worked with a very famous rapper.
28:45Who was it?
28:46And what was the title of that film?
28:48Oh, man.
28:50Very famous rapper.
28:51A very famous rapper.
28:53Mm-hmm.
28:54Okay.
28:55The name of the rapper or the movie?
28:56Either one, we will accept.
28:58He might not be with us anymore.
29:00Mm-hmm.
29:01Actually, two answers to this question, right?
29:04Mm-hmm.
29:04Mm-hmm.
29:04Oh, jeez.
29:05I'm going to guess.
29:07Wow.
29:08Ready?
29:09Yeah.
29:12Oh.
29:13Okay, wow.
29:14Wow.
29:15Wow.
29:17Okay, so you got the movie right,
29:19but it was Tupac.
29:20Oh, okay.
29:21We would have also accepted Queen Latifah.
29:24Oh, Queen Latifah's in it?
29:25Or Tretch from Naughty by Nature.
29:27Oh, Tretch was in it as well.
29:28There's a bunch of rappers in Juice, actually.
29:30I got Juice right, Jimmy.
29:31EPMD.
29:32You got it right.
29:33You know who's not in Juice, though?
29:35ODB.
29:38All right.
29:39One more.
29:40This one is going to be for Zach.
29:41Zach.
29:43Name, Donald's children.
29:46I got to write it down, too?
29:48That's a lot of names.
29:50Well, if you don't get this,
29:51you got a lot of problems.
29:52Yeah, I got problems.
29:53Yeah.
29:53Yeah, you should definitely get it.
29:54You can't go home if you don't get this.
29:56Um, oh, man.
29:58Mm-hmm.
30:00Yeah, it takes a while to write them all.
30:02Hold on a second.
30:02Yeah, there's a lot of them, right?
30:03Yeah.
30:04Six kids?
30:05Six.
30:06You knew that, right, Zach?
30:08Yeah, six.
30:08I'm trying to get some of the ones
30:09I don't know that well.
30:10Hold on.
30:12Come on, man.
30:13I got it.
30:14I got it.
30:14I got one, two, three, four, five.
30:16Six.
30:16And I'm just missing one.
30:18Come on, bro.
30:20Go ahead.
30:20I'm just nervous.
30:21I'm doing this under pressure.
30:22Yes.
30:22All right.
30:22I'm going to put it.
30:23I'm going to put, show mine,
30:24and then you can write the name in,
30:26so you don't.
30:26Okay.
30:27Okay.
30:27Yeah.
30:27Okay.
30:28These are the names.
30:30Oh, I knew who I was missing.
30:30Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
30:33Wilder, Rocco, Rocco, Kaya, Sean, Dianne, and Kobe.
30:37All right.
30:37Very good.
30:39You are best.
30:40I'm not going to be a friend.
30:41Scrubs airs Wednesday nights at 8 o'clock here on ABC.
30:45You can stream it the next day on Hulu.
30:47Zach Braff and Donald J. John.
30:49Peace, brother.
30:54There was a time.
30:55Next week on Jimmy Kimmel Live, Conan O'Brien, Olivia Munn, Will Forte, and Harrison Ford, plus music from Nora
31:06Jones and Joshua Homme, and Bebe Rexha.
31:16Welcome back to the show.
31:18Our next guest is a high-energy man in a brightly colored jumpsuit who burns a lot of calories in
31:25his new comedy special, Chris Fleming, Live at the Palace.
31:30I want to applaud the spotlight operator who was on the team that got Osama.
31:47Chris Fleming, Live at the Palace, is on HBO Max now.
31:51Please welcome Chris Fleming.
32:06Wow.
32:08Look at this.
32:08Wow.
32:09You look fantastic.
32:10I like this outfit you have on.
32:12Men's Warehouse.
32:12I was thinking about you because...
32:15Secret rack.
32:16Men's Warehouse.
32:17They told me that this is your first talk show.
32:20Yeah.
32:20I was concerned that you would even be able to sit in the chair.
32:24Well, Guillermo, uh, he hit me with a trank gun on the way in.
32:26Did he?
32:27A little tequila trank gun on the way in?
32:30A little mezcal.
32:31And this is also our first time officially meeting.
32:34This is our first time meeting.
32:35We've been at parties together, but you're talking to, like, Carol Burnett and I'm eating trash off the ground.
32:42You're playing Puff Puff Pass with Little Ricky from I Love Lucy, and I'm looking for quarters in the couch.
32:50You were at the Carol Burnett Little Ricky party, huh?
32:52Sorry?
32:53You were at the Carol Burnett Little Ricky party.
32:55I didn't know that.
32:55I was on the perimeter.
32:56You were.
32:57All right.
32:58Breathing into the glass.
33:00You'd think I would have seen you.
33:02Yeah.
33:02You, um, you are, uh, very energetic, as we just saw on that clip.
33:07And that goes on all the time.
33:08I've watched many clips of you.
33:10You're very funny.
33:10Very funny.
33:11Um, I've watched many clips of you from over the years.
33:15Oh, you've been watching?
33:15How long have you been doing this, by the way?
33:17Oh, God.
33:17Since 81, maybe 65.
33:21And did you?
33:22I get hurt a lot, Jimmy, too.
33:24I chipped a tooth.
33:25So, shortly after that little scene, in that little pageant, I chipped my tooth in the special.
33:30Which one?
33:30The way, oh, the front man.
33:33Oh.
33:33Oh.
33:37The director saying, stay back.
33:39I get so beat up.
33:41I get so, if I were a banana, you'd want to make bread out of me, Jimmy.
33:46Also, I saw Jacob Elordi give you a smooch on this show.
33:49You did?
33:49Yeah, yeah, yeah.
33:50I can feel the pheromones still on you.
33:53Is that what you're sensing?
33:55Jimmy was doing Lamaze breathing as Elordi.
33:57I thought you were getting the first with the BFG when I saw that.
34:00He's looming over you like the Babadook.
34:02Do you remember?
34:03Yes.
34:03Oh, I remember quite well, yeah.
34:05Yeah.
34:06I think about it a lot.
34:07I bet if you were to be in a zoo, the orangutans would be going crazy from, like, when Damien
34:16goes
34:16to the zoo in the omen.
34:19What was your question?
34:20I don't remember.
34:23Oh, I forgot.
34:24I forgot to unbutton.
34:27Take it from the top.
34:29Okay.
34:30Do you...
34:31When you got into this, did you ever imagine that you would be...
34:34This is your third comedy special, right?
34:36Yeah, yeah.
34:36Doing it on HBO.
34:37Did you imagine that you would reach that level, or is it above anything you ever dreamed?
34:42Well, there are some grim days in the beginning.
34:43We're there.
34:44Jim, oh, my God.
34:45I mean, this is a real horror show if you want to hear about it.
34:48Okay, college gig, Ohio, 2012.
34:51Okay.
34:51I'm supposed to perform at hour 47 of a 48-hour all-night walk-a-thon.
34:56So, the kids...
34:56What?
34:57Permission to move?
34:58Yes, move around.
34:59Go ahead.
34:59Yeah.
35:00So, the kids, the students are kind of just, like, walking around the perimeter of a gym,
35:05right?
35:05All sleep-deprived.
35:08It's like how...
35:09It's like very Zero Dark Thirty, how you get a confession out of people.
35:11So, they're walking around.
35:12And I'm performing here in a corner.
35:15And so, they're kind of walking...
35:16I'm doing, like, ambient stand-up, right?
35:19And so, they're getting, like, one minute out of every ten.
35:22So, no connection whatsoever.
35:25I go through every joke I've ever done in five minutes.
35:28So, I start riffing with...
35:29There's an eagle mascot in the back, right?
35:32And there's an identical eagle in a bow and a dress.
35:35And so, I say...
35:36I said something about the eagle and his wife.
35:38And then, everyone, all the students stop, and one turns, and he goes,
35:42That's not his wife.
35:47That's his sister!
35:50Boo!
35:51And then, everyone starts booing.
35:53And they all...
35:54All the students start kind of walking towards me.
35:58The eagle ends up on the stage with me, challenges me to a dance-off.
36:02I don't know if you've ever been a part of a not-fun dance-off.
36:06No.
36:07Very Byzantine, very Grease, okay?
36:09He's doing some popping and locking.
36:11Gets me in the mandible.
36:13Glasses fly off.
36:15I'm on all fours.
36:23So, yeah, HBO's really nice, to be honest with you.
36:25Yeah, yeah, no, yeah, yeah.
36:28I hope you won.
36:30I'm thinking of...
36:32I'm trying to imagine what you would be doing for a living if you weren't doing this.
36:38I'd be getting...
36:39I'd be in a conservatorship.
36:41Uh-huh.
36:42Probably.
36:43You probably would.
36:45You ever go to a beach town and see an old guy dancing in a stoplight?
36:50No?
36:51Okay, no.
36:53No, neither am I.
36:54I think so.
36:54I think so.
36:55Yeah.
36:56Did you...
36:57Have you ever had, like, a regular job?
36:59Oh, tons of jobs.
37:01Oh, okay.
37:01I was...
37:02Right before that, I was a substitute gym teacher for kindergarteners.
37:06Really?
37:07But I have...
37:08No beast fears me.
37:09I have a rescue dog, and the rescue lady in charge of it famously said to me about the dog,
37:15Chris, he thinks you are his bitch.
37:19And that's the way the kindergarteners treated me.
37:21They would just...
37:22They would chase me around and then pig pile me, and I would just be crawling for my life.
37:26Because they probably just saw you and thought you were a giant one of them.
37:30Right?
37:31I mean, really?
37:32Yeah, yeah.
37:32Yeah, I've been in that situation.
37:34I have no domain, yeah.
37:35Have you done any acting?
37:36Have you acted in things?
37:38Uh, yeah.
37:40Oh, I'm in...
37:40I mean, I'm in some lovely community theater in 2003.
37:47I mean, I'm doing...
37:48I'm in a show on Apple TV called Widow's Bay coming out.
37:51I got earrings.
37:52Oh, nice.
37:52Congratulations.
37:53Oh, you got an earring for the show?
37:54It was a clip-on.
37:55I see.
37:56Doesn't count.
37:57And they...
37:58I think there's a little...
37:58If I had tattoos, though, it would completely ruin me.
38:01Why would it ruin you?
38:03It...
38:05It just...
38:06It would be like if Tinky Winky had a tattoo.
38:10From the...
38:11From the, uh...
38:11From the, uh...
38:12From Teletubbies.
38:13Yeah, that's right.
38:14Yeah.
38:14Yeah.
38:15Yeah, that would be disturbing if they did.
38:17Yeah, it would be.
38:18It would be.
38:18Do you go on auditions and that kind of thing?
38:22Yeah, I've only landed, like, two.
38:25It's, uh...
38:26I play...
38:26I did, like, I was a French photographer in one.
38:29Uh-huh.
38:30Usually, if they...
38:31If I'm asked to do something, then that's usually the best way to do it.
38:34That's the way to get you?
38:35Yeah.
38:36Yeah, that's the way to get me.
38:36Have you done commercials?
38:38I was in a, uh, Super Bowl commercial for glue.
38:41What kind of glue?
38:42It's called Loctite.
38:44Yeah.
38:44They had a Super Bowl commercial?
38:45Yeah, Tim and Eric directed it, and, uh...
38:47Oh, they did?
38:48Yeah, it was incredibly degrading.
38:51I was, like, licking my lips to camera at one point.
38:55It was really good.
38:56Really?
38:56Yeah, it was really good.
38:57How the hell did I miss that?
38:58Are you sure it was a commercial?
39:00You think it was a delusion?
39:01Well, I don't know.
39:05It seemed like I could.
39:07That's what I look like?
39:08No!
39:11I look like one of the Ann Geddes babies all grown up.
39:15I'm trying to get...
39:16I'm trying to get Braff to do a Garden State reboot and have me be Natalie Portman.
39:20I want to be the Manic Pixie dream wench.
39:23Just me on the bed doing this with a low Gregorian chant in the back.
39:32You know what I like?
39:33You're really using all our equipment.
39:36Like...
39:38Jim...
39:39You've made great use of everything.
39:41I-I use every part of the buffalo.
39:47Let's take a break. We'll be right back.
39:49Chris Fleming is with us.
39:50His special is called Live...
39:51Chris Fleming, Live at the Palace.
39:53It's on HBO.
39:57I was afraid to sing, sing, sing, sing.
40:00It's all about you.
40:03All right.
40:04We're back with Chris Fleming.
40:05I want to thank Zach Braff.
40:07I want to thank Donald Faison.
40:09You can watch them on Scrubs.
40:11Thanks to Cy Smith, who's been sitting in with the Cletones all the time.
40:13Jimmy, I forgot.
40:14What did you forget?
40:16I ha...
40:17I almost did a really good acting job.
40:19I almost was the face of Red Robin.
40:22Oh!
40:22And then I made a lot of fight...
40:24Yes.
40:25At the mall.
40:25Terrible burgers.
40:26I-I...
40:27Was that part of the commercial?
40:29It was gonna be.
40:30I was gonna be dressed as a Red Robin hood, and I was gonna be in Dallas,
40:34on a horse, taking people's burgers, and giving them...
40:37Replacing them with Red Robin gourmet burgers.
40:39And it was gonna be a life-changing sum of money.
40:42And so I started making all these financial, terrible financial decisions,
40:45and then the deal fell through.
40:46Oh.
40:47But in the interim, I bought this tiny little car that is barely...
40:51I don't know if it's street legal.
40:53Oh, is this your car?
40:54That's the car.
40:55And, uh, it's a...
40:57What kind of car is that?
40:58It's called a Nissan Figaro.
40:59And the problem with that kind of car is it gets a lot of attention from old men.
41:04Yeah.
41:05I would ask you about that car for sure, yeah.
41:07Just like, I'll go into a store, and an old...
41:09All of a sudden, it looks like all surviving members of the Beach Boys are kind of gathered
41:13around it.
41:15And a guy with a ponytail is like, can I taste the engine?
41:21And...
41:21And you...
41:22It's a right-side driver?
41:23So the cops see me, and they're like, do we...
41:25Are we gonna shoot the tire?
41:27You know what?
41:28He's got a perm. I don't want to hear his stories.
41:31And they let you go?
41:32They let me go.
41:33Ah, they should let you go.
41:34Chris Fleming, everybody.
41:35It's special.
41:36It's called Chris Fleming Live at the Policy.
41:39You can watch it on HBO Max.
41:41Nightline is next.
41:42Apologies to Matt Damon.
41:45Good night.
Comments