- il y a 4 heures
Catégorie
✨
PersonnesTranscription
00:00:00C'est parti !
00:00:30...
00:01:00...
00:01:01...
00:01:04...
00:01:05...
00:01:11...
00:01:12...
00:01:13...
00:01:14...
00:01:24...
00:01:25...
00:01:27...
00:01:27...
00:01:40...
00:01:41...
00:01:43...
00:01:45...
00:01:46...
00:01:46...
00:01:46...
00:01:46...
00:01:48...
00:01:48...
00:01:49...
00:01:49...
00:01:49...
00:01:50...
00:01:51...
00:01:51...
00:01:51...
00:01:52...
00:01:52...
00:01:52...
00:01:53...
00:01:53...
00:01:59...
00:02:01...
00:02:01...
00:02:06...
00:02:08...
00:02:10...
00:02:12...
00:02:22...
00:02:24...
00:02:26...
00:02:28...
00:02:38...
00:02:43...
00:02:45...
00:02:49...
00:02:50...
00:02:50...
00:03:00...
00:03:04...
00:03:05...
00:03:05...
00:03:10...
00:03:12...
00:03:14...
00:03:15...
00:03:15...
00:03:15...
00:03:17...
00:03:17...
00:03:18...
00:03:18...
00:03:18...
00:03:49...
00:04:03...
00:04:05...
00:04:05...
00:04:35...
00:04:51...
00:04:52...
00:04:52...
00:13:22...
00:13:22...
00:13:22...
00:13:23...
00:13:23...
00:13:23...
00:13:24Take that hideous thing away.
00:13:26Oh, now come on. They all look like this at first.
00:13:29You see, when the baby passes through the birth canal,
00:13:33its head gets a little pointy.
00:13:35He should round out in a couple days. Promise.
00:13:38That's not a baby. That's a Mr. Potato Head.
00:13:41Harry, call the hospital administrator.
00:13:44Hey, you're right. This is a Mr. Potato Head.
00:13:48Gosh, they're so lifelike.
00:13:50Anybody could have made this mistake.
00:13:53I'll be right back with the real Nicholas.
00:13:56Harry, what are they doing to us?
00:13:59No, no, no. Calm down, Brenda. Calm down.
00:14:01We don't want you to get postpartum anxiety.
00:14:03Now, as soon as we get our son, I'm gonna report this quack.
00:14:08Thank God you took that assertiveness training course.
00:14:12Yeah. Here's the little tyke.
00:14:15You've been a naughty little baby.
00:14:17Yes, you have. Playing peek-a-boo with Mommy and Daddy.
00:14:20Hot time. Nick, it's your dad.
00:14:25He's got a strong, determined child, just like his old man there.
00:14:31Whoops.
00:14:33Great. Now you made him cry.
00:14:35I don't believe this.
00:14:45Is this okay? Would you rather breastfeed him?
00:14:48Get away from me!
00:14:48Kill you!
00:14:51What kind of hospital is this?
00:14:53All right, Mr. and Mrs. Lamaze.
00:14:56You see, due to a slight clerical error, your son has been temporarily misplaced.
00:15:00You lost our son?
00:15:02Did I say lost? I said misplaced.
00:15:04I'm suing you for malpractice, negligence, you name it.
00:15:09Oh, great. Just jump all over me, why don't you? Just jump all over me.
00:15:12What about the nine kids I didn't lose this week?
00:15:14My baby! What are they doing with my baby?
00:15:17No, it's your fault.
00:15:18If you hadn't distracted me with all that video equipment in the delivery room,
00:15:21I might not have misplaced your little brat.
00:15:23Doctor, we found him.
00:15:25See?
00:15:26He was down the hall in the laundry hamper.
00:15:31Oh, he's beautiful.
00:15:33I hope you're both ashamed of yourselves.
00:15:36All this hysteria.
00:15:38When he was safe and sound not 20 feet from this very room.
00:15:41Doctor, you're doing surgery for that kidney transplant.
00:15:46Where's the donor organ?
00:15:48The donor organ?
00:15:51God, I had it with me when I left the house this morning.
00:15:57Good morning, and welcome to Movies Till Sunrise.
00:16:01Our feature presentation is the 1954 science fiction classic,
00:16:06Amazon Women on the Moon.
00:16:08Starring Laird Granger and Greta Van Zandt.
00:16:11Complete and uncut, with no commercial interruptions.
00:16:15This used to be me.
00:16:17Old before my years, ignored by women, passed over for promotions.
00:16:22But now, all that has changed.
00:16:27At a moment, I was a great person to change.
00:16:28I'm Cy Swerdlow.
00:16:30And I invented the patented process known as hair looming.
00:16:33If you suffer from premature hair loss, let our team of technicians visit you in the privacy of your home
00:16:43so there will be no embarrassment.
00:16:46You choose from our selection of over 200 colors and styles.
00:16:52Then your head will be carpeted with 100% pure acrylic fiber, completely natural looking.
00:17:03You can sleep in it, you can shower in it, it changed my life, and it'll change yours.
00:17:16Call toll-free 1-800-GET-HERE.
00:17:33Amazon women on the moon.
00:17:56Well, men, I've been studying this map of the lunar surface, and I've chosen the dark side as our landing
00:18:01site.
00:18:03So, don't forget your space beams.
00:18:06Roger, Steve.
00:18:10Just think, Looney, in less than an hour we're going to be on the moon.
00:18:14The first thing I'm going to do is carve me off a hunk of that green cheese.
00:18:19Now, Butch, you know one of the purposes of this mission is to dispel some of those myths.
00:18:24Steve, I've got the president on the electro scan.
00:18:32Willikers.
00:18:34Come in, men of Moon Rocket One.
00:18:37This is the president of the United States calling from planet Earth.
00:18:43We read you, Mr. President.
00:18:45This is Steve Nelson, Commander Moon Rocket One.
00:18:48Commander Nelson, this is a proud day for all Americans.
00:18:52And this year of 1980 will be remembered as the year an American first set foot on the moon.
00:18:59The governors of all 48 states join me in wishing Godspeed to you and your hand-picked team of scientists.
00:19:07That's us, Looney.
00:19:09Thank you, Mr. President.
00:19:11We're proud to serve our country.
00:19:13Over and out.
00:19:17Lackey, neutralize the electro scan.
00:19:20Electro scan neutralized, sir.
00:19:23There she is, dead ahead.
00:19:34Awesome, isn't it?
00:19:36You know, I've got big plans for that piece of real estate.
00:19:39You know, I'm going to sell advertising space on that.
00:19:41Just picture this.
00:19:42The world's biggest billboard.
00:19:45We'll make a bundle.
00:19:47Hold your horses, Blackie.
00:19:49This voyage is for the betterment of mankind.
00:19:52Let's not any of us forget that.
00:19:55Get out.
00:19:59Please stand by.
00:20:07There goes my lunch.
00:20:10Oh, it's right up there with my stomach.
00:20:15Prepare for moon landing.
00:20:18Initiate rotation system.
00:20:21Rotation initiated.
00:20:23Reverse retros.
00:20:25Retros reversed.
00:20:35Steve, we're losing pressure in the Adam Chipper.
00:20:38If it drops anymore, we're goners.
00:20:49Quick, Blackie, switch from the emergency.
00:21:14Did you know that every seven minutes, a black person is born in this country without soul?
00:21:20Hello, I'm B.B. King.
00:21:23Won't you help Don Simmons and the thousands of others that suffer from this tragic disorder?
00:21:28Its cruel symptoms can strike anyone.
00:21:31Let's take a look.
00:21:32I think the Republican Party has done one heck of a job.
00:21:36Don't you, June?
00:21:37I'll say, Ward.
00:21:38We Republicans have turned this country around.
00:21:43Safety and good knowledge are the two things I looked for in a new car.
00:21:49That's why I bought a Volvo station wagon.
00:21:53Hi, I'm president of the David Hartman fan club here in Glendale.
00:21:57I've even met David Hartman once.
00:21:59What a neat guy.
00:22:17This is B.B. King saying, won't you please give so that Don Simmons here and so many others can
00:22:24become useful members of society.
00:22:26Or below me a kiss, and that's lucky too.
00:22:31Write to blacks without soul.
00:22:34Post Office Box 1305A, Atlanta, Georgia.
00:22:38Thank you.
00:22:43Be right there.
00:22:53Karen?
00:22:54Hi.
00:22:55Hi, I'm Jerry Stone.
00:22:56Hi, Jerry. Nice meeting you.
00:22:57I'm sorry, I'm running a little bit late.
00:22:58Oh, don't worry about it.
00:23:00You look nice.
00:23:01Thank you.
00:23:03This is a great apartment.
00:23:05Thanks.
00:23:15Uh, I hope you like sushi.
00:23:17I made reservations at, uh, Tokyo Rose on Columbus.
00:23:20Great.
00:23:21I hear it's terrific.
00:23:23Normally there's a waiting list, but I know the maitre d'.
00:23:28You know, I gotta tell you, I never go on blind dates, but, uh, I just have a feeling that
00:23:36this might be special.
00:23:39Jerry, before we leave, do me one small favor, will you?
00:23:43Sure. What?
00:23:44Would you mind showing me a credit card and a valid driver's license?
00:23:48You're kidding. Why?
00:23:51Well, I'd like to run a couple compatibility check.
00:23:53What the heck is that?
00:23:57You know, Jerry, it's tough being a single girl in the big city.
00:24:00You meet all kinds of phonies and creeps.
00:24:03That's where this machine comes in handy.
00:24:05I just enter your ID and the central computer will tell me about your background.
00:24:09I don't want a bank loan. I just want to take you out.
00:24:12I know, but I'd feel better running a check.
00:24:15Two IDs, please.
00:24:17You're serious.
00:24:22It'll just take a minute.
00:24:23This is ridiculous.
00:24:24But, uh, here's, uh...
00:24:29Three-one-six.
00:24:30It's a cute picture.
00:24:31MasterCard.
00:24:32Yeah.
00:24:32Huh.
00:24:41I don't know how I ever got along without one of these.
00:24:44Changed my life.
00:24:45I feel the same way about my VCR.
00:24:47Oh, hey.
00:24:48Right now, I'm taping Sophie's Choice with Meryl Streep.
00:24:50I love Meryl Streep.
00:24:52Oh, I am so into her.
00:24:54Oh.
00:24:57Here it comes now.
00:25:14All that about me?
00:25:15Oh, jeez.
00:25:16They are very thorough.
00:25:18Yeah.
00:25:21Great.
00:25:22What?
00:25:23What?
00:25:26What?
00:25:30What do you got there?
00:25:37Uh-oh.
00:25:39Uh-oh.
00:25:39What's, what's, uh-oh.
00:25:42Jerry.
00:25:46Does the name Debbie Rothenberg mean anything to you?
00:25:51But, Debbie Rothenberg?
00:25:52Uh, oh, yeah, yeah.
00:25:54I think I went out with her once, twice.
00:25:56You had sex with her on the second date.
00:25:58And then you never called her again.
00:26:00I hate when guys do that.
00:26:02It says all that?
00:26:04Does the phrase, you're not only beautiful,
00:26:06but you're someone I feel I can open up to mean anything to you?
00:26:11I'm not surprised.
00:26:12You've used that line in your last 16 dates.
00:26:14Look, hey, this is ridiculous.
00:26:17Debbie, uh, Karen, I think that we have something very special here.
00:26:22You're not like the other women when you leave.
00:26:24I don't know when you meet in the city.
00:26:26See what I mean?
00:26:29And Jerry.
00:26:32I could never get serious about someone who's selfish in bed.
00:26:36Who is selfish in bed?
00:26:38Well, how would you describe a man who satisfies his own needs
00:26:43and rolls over and goes to sleep?
00:26:44I never did that in my life!
00:26:46Eleven times!
00:26:47Do you want names and dates?
00:26:48No, no, I do not.
00:26:49Look, hey, oh.
00:26:51Anyway, that is just a small fraction
00:26:53of the hundreds of times I've been intimate with women.
00:26:55We're exaggerating a little, aren't we, Jerry?
00:27:00I mean, the record only shows 21 sexual intimacies.
00:27:05Look, look.
00:27:06Well, hey, well, this doesn't jive with my figures, okay, sweetie?
00:27:09Jerry, the statistics don't paint the picture of a mature man.
00:27:14Twelve times you ignored your date at a party to flirt with a more attractive woman.
00:27:18A hundred and sixty-nine times you feigned interest when a woman was talking about her career.
00:27:24And on 17 occasions you lied to women telling them you were really into sushi and Meryl Streep movies.
00:27:33Make that 18 times.
00:27:36Where, where, where, where, where do they get these figures?
00:27:41As you can see, Jerry, it would be pointless for you and I to go out.
00:27:44Oh, yeah?
00:27:46Well, I'm gonna get one of those machines and see how well you come off, okay?
00:27:50Good night, Jerry.
00:27:51It's early yet.
00:27:52Maybe you can still get lucky in a bar.
00:27:57Like you did last Thursday.
00:28:01Hello, Beverly?
00:28:04Yeah.
00:28:05Hi.
00:28:06This is Jerry Stone.
00:28:07We met the other night at Dave's party.
00:28:12Oh, hi.
00:28:13Hi.
00:28:14Listen, I know it's last minute, but I want to ask, are you free tonight?
00:28:20Uh, yeah.
00:28:23You are?
00:28:23Oh, great.
00:28:25Listen, um, I can pick you up in 10 minutes.
00:28:30Sure, okay.
00:28:32Oh, Jerry, um...
00:28:35Yeah?
00:28:35Could you bring a major credit card and a valid driver's license?
00:28:41Jerry?
00:28:46Extraterrestrials.
00:28:48Strange phenomenon.
00:28:50Missing persons.
00:28:51Lost continents.
00:28:53Myths.
00:28:55And monsters.
00:28:57We examine these mysteries to determine, are they bullshit or not?
00:29:10London's West End.
00:29:11Here, in the winter of 1888, a series of bizarre and violent murders occurred, which remain unsolved to this very
00:29:22day.
00:29:31Jack the Ripper, was he a prosperous London surgeon, perhaps a member of British royalty?
00:29:39Well, a bullshit team has unearthed spectacular new evidence, which suggests that Jack the Ripper was, in fact, the Loch
00:29:53Ness monster.
00:29:54Is it possible that Nessie murdered five street walkers before returning for Loch Ness?
00:30:04Using undiscovered evidence, we've pieced together the events leading up to the first murder.
00:30:09Although this is a bullshit reenactment, it may have happened just this way.
00:30:15Well, dearie, show you a good time for a quid.
00:30:18For the wife and for free.
00:30:19Oh, gents, don't you want a girl to keep you warm tonight?
00:30:24Oh, me and mum told me there would be nights like this.
00:30:29Oh, my.
00:30:31You are a big one now, aren't you?
00:30:34Come on, darling.
00:30:37Help.
00:30:49Mind you, don't you be stepping on my feet now.
00:30:55Oh.
00:30:57Aren't you in an hurry?
00:30:59Now, will you be careful?
00:31:01Not so.
00:31:09Is this the way it happened?
00:31:11Was Jack the Ripper, in fact, a 60-foot sea surfer from Scotland?
00:31:17Did I take this job for a quick buck?
00:31:21We may never know the answer to these questions.
00:31:24Next week.
00:31:27To recap the three movies that we've reviewed this week here on Critics Court,
00:31:32corner, Mark and I both gave a big thumbs up to the new Swedish film directed by, uh...
00:31:39Olaf Svensson.
00:31:40Olaf Svensson, called The Winter of My Despondency.
00:31:44Haunting abstract symbolism.
00:31:47Arty crap.
00:31:48Now, Jonathan, I did split, however, on the newest teenage romp called Frat Slobs.
00:31:55Uh, Jonathan, I think, thought to be a light, frothy souffle, sizzling with youthful energy.
00:32:03That I did.
00:32:03On the other hand, I thought it was pond scum.
00:32:07You're an albino.
00:32:08What the hell do you know?
00:32:09Now, we have a new feature we'd like to introduce on Critics Corner.
00:32:12We hope you'll enjoy.
00:32:13We call it Real Life Reviews, in which we critique the life of an average person just like you.
00:32:20Jonathan, we'll begin with a review of the life of Harvey Putnick.
00:32:25No, Pitnick.
00:32:26Pitnick.
00:32:27Of Skokie, Indiana.
00:32:29Illinois.
00:32:29Illinois.
00:32:30Harvey Pitnick.
00:32:31Bernice.
00:32:31Skokie, Illinois.
00:32:33Bernice, come here.
00:32:33They're talking about me on the television.
00:32:36Come here.
00:32:38Now, Harvey Pitnick would seem to have all the ingredients for a successful life.
00:32:42You'd think so.
00:32:43So why does he fail so miserably?
00:32:45I don't know.
00:32:46Well, I think the problem is with Harvey himself.
00:32:48The hell is this?
00:32:49You know, you're right.
00:32:50It is Harvey.
00:32:50Very good, Jonathan.
00:32:51It is Harvey.
00:32:52So we're supposed to care about this Harvey Pitnick?
00:32:56Why?
00:32:57I mean, it takes him 30 years to develop any character at all, and by the time he does, who
00:33:03cares?
00:33:04They're crucifying me.
00:33:06It's hardly worth the wait.
00:33:07He didn't like Gandhi either.
00:33:09Let me show you.
00:33:10Here's a scene from last year as Harvey is coming home from work.
00:33:23Hi, Scraps.
00:33:26Hi, Dad.
00:33:26Hi, kids.
00:33:28How did they do this?
00:33:29Hi, honey.
00:33:30Hi, dear.
00:33:32Ooh, potatoes.
00:33:33I didn't cons-
00:33:34How was your day?
00:33:35I didn't consent for this to be on TV here.
00:33:37It's fine. How was yours?
00:33:38Dinner will be ready in five minutes.
00:33:39Okay.
00:33:49Wow.
00:33:50Some exciting home life, huh?
00:33:51And it goes on like that.
00:33:53Yeah.
00:33:53Don't show me.
00:33:54Seriously, day in and day out.
00:33:56Where's the love?
00:33:58Where's the passion?
00:33:59Where's the examination of one's own existence?
00:34:03This is a poor excuse for a life.
00:34:05I give Harvey Pitnick a big thumbs down.
00:34:09Thumbs down?
00:34:11I give him a thumbs down, too.
00:34:12But I didn't hate Harvey quite as much as you, Jonathan.
00:34:16Oh, granted, his life was a miserable waste of time.
00:34:20But I rather enjoyed the Kafkaesque touches.
00:34:24Here's a loser trapped in a dead-end job and a loveless marriage.
00:34:30How do they know that?
00:34:31Just anything to make this man human.
00:34:33And think of the money it took to bring him into the world.
00:34:36Oh, a ton.
00:34:36I mean, to feed him and to clothe him and then to educate him.
00:34:40And after all that, what have you got?
00:34:43You've got a big boar.
00:34:45A dull cloth.
00:34:46An empty suit.
00:34:47And another thing, I was always one step ahead of this guy's life.
00:34:51There just were no surprises.
00:34:53Now, wait a minute.
00:34:53What about the ending of his life?
00:34:55Now, that came as a surprise.
00:34:57Ending?
00:34:57I saw that coming a mile away.
00:34:59I didn't.
00:35:00What ending?
00:35:00You see, the high blood pressure.
00:35:02True.
00:35:02The lack of exercise.
00:35:03Calm down.
00:35:04The bad diet.
00:35:05By the time he finally has his heart attack in front of the TV, big deal.
00:35:11Heart attack?
00:35:11Such a mundane.
00:35:13A heart attack?
00:35:14Why are you talking about heart attack?
00:35:16I don't know.
00:35:17Wouldn't it have been more dramatic if, let's see, he had fallen down an elevator.
00:35:20No, what really should have happened.
00:35:21He should have died years earlier.
00:35:23Harvey?
00:35:23Maybe in a submarine accident.
00:35:25Harvey?
00:35:25It was just a terribly wasted...
00:35:26Oh, my God!
00:35:27Possibly a giant squid.
00:35:29Something to add a little science fiction to it.
00:35:32It's tragic waste, but who cares?
00:35:35Oh, well, I see our time is up.
00:35:36We want to thank you very much for joining us on Critic's Corner.
00:35:40Hope you'll be back next week when we'll have an aisle seat reserved just for you.
00:35:43Bye-bye.
00:35:44There were so many things he could have done.
00:35:46For one thing, he could have had a better haircut, don't you think?
00:35:49We now return to the 1957 film Amazon Women on the Moon, starring Bill Thomas and Buzzy Clark.
00:35:58There will be no further interruptions.
00:36:09Well, here we are on the moon.
00:36:14Why, excuse me the willies.
00:36:16Think we'll run into any moon men?
00:36:19Not intelligent life as you and I know it, Butch.
00:36:21Well, if there are any Martians, I'll bet they speak the universal language.
00:36:25Do-re-mi.
00:36:28You remember the space oath you took at the academy, Blackie?
00:36:31I will not exploit other worlds for personal gain.
00:36:35Look at that.
00:36:38Follow me, man.
00:36:39Keep your eyes open.
00:36:42Selma!
00:36:52Look at that!
00:37:39Steve, this is only a hunch, but...
00:37:42Steve, what are you doing? You're committing suicide!
00:37:48Just as I thought.
00:37:50The moon has an atmosphere similar to Earth's.
00:37:53Take off your helmets, boys.
00:37:59Good old H2O.
00:38:01Steve, fill me in. How'd you figure it out?
00:38:04Seems like Looney figured it out first.
00:38:11That's my Looney. A regular Einstein.
00:38:24Are your parties dull and boring?
00:38:28Well, why not liven them up with the snack food at Sweeping America?
00:38:32Mmm, say, Mike, this is some great pâté.
00:38:35It has such a unique flavor.
00:38:37It's more than just an ordinary pâté, Bill.
00:38:40Watch.
00:38:43Whoa!
00:38:44What the?
00:38:45You know, I never saw an appetizer do that before.
00:38:48Well, you never tried silly pâté before.
00:38:50Not only is it fun at parties,
00:38:52it's low in saturated fats.
00:38:54And look.
00:38:57It picks up your favorite comic strip.
00:39:01I'm eating Doonesbury.
00:39:04And I'm eating Beetle Bailey.
00:39:07Yes, you'll never have a dull, lifeless party again
00:39:11with Silly Pâté.
00:39:12Silly Pâté.
00:39:14Available in all fine gourmet shops and toy stores everywhere.
00:39:26It's time, Mrs. Pittman.
00:39:31Do I have to?
00:39:33Well, yeah, we need the room again at four.
00:39:39Come on.
00:39:42Is Harvey here?
00:39:44Yeah, yeah.
00:39:45He's in repose.
00:39:46Oh, thank you.
00:39:46He looks great.
00:39:47Okay, let's move along.
00:39:49That's right.
00:39:51Just relax, Mrs. Pittman.
00:39:53You're young.
00:39:53You'll meet someone.
00:39:56Send the kids to camp.
00:39:57That's what I do.
00:40:00Okay, family up front on the left.
00:40:04I guess that's it.
00:40:21Everything's taken care of.
00:40:22Everything.
00:40:23And the fae to die.
00:40:25Hey, Skeeter.
00:40:27Cute stuff.
00:40:30Ladies and gentlemen,
00:40:32this is a wait.
00:40:34So let's have fun with it, huh?
00:40:36Come on, everybody.
00:40:37Have a great time.
00:40:45Welcome to the O'Leary Funeral Home,
00:40:47where many of the nation's top comedians
00:40:49have gathered to roast our guest of honor,
00:40:52the late Harvey Pitman.
00:40:55Please welcome Rip Taylor.
00:41:04Slappy White.
00:41:09Slappy White.
00:41:11Jackie Vernon.
00:41:14Penny Youngman.
00:41:19Charlie Gellis.
00:41:25Et notre Roastmaster, Mr. Steve Allen.
00:41:34Et ici il est, notre Man de l'Hour,
00:41:38Mr. Harvey Pitney.
00:41:52Merci, Mesmoins et Mourners.
00:41:55C'est bon, Harvey. Ne te marais pas.
00:42:00Anyway, c'est que que c'est que c'est que c'est que c'est que c'est que
00:42:03c'est que c'est que c'est que c'est que c'est que c'est que c'est,
00:42:04nous sommes ici pour payer la tricure de mon ami, Harvey Pitney.
00:42:12Harvey was a man, mes amis, qui était le même en la vie que c'est qu'il était dans
00:42:16la vie de l'Hour.
00:42:17A Stiff.
00:42:21All seriousness aside, we are going to lay two things to rest.
00:42:25Harvey Pitnick and the rumor that Charlie Callas is funny.
00:42:30Ladies and gentlemen, a very funny man, Charlie Callas.
00:42:37Thank you.
00:42:40Harvey, keep it down.
00:42:45Today, ladies and gentlemen, we're here
00:42:47to pay homage to the late Harvey Potemkin for stable.
00:42:51Or spole, whatever.
00:42:53Who cares? Does it matter now?
00:42:56And if Harvey were alive today, he'd be a very sick man.
00:43:08We had, I'm sorry to make this announcement,
00:43:10we had two disappointments tonight.
00:43:11Milton Berle could not make it, and Rip Taylor could.
00:43:16Ladies and gentlemen, Rip Taylor.
00:43:17All right.
00:43:23Thank you so much.
00:43:24Thank you so much.
00:43:26Thank you.
00:43:27Thank you so much, Steve.
00:43:28Charlie said, Harvey, keep it down.
00:43:30Thank you.
00:43:31Oh, well, there goes that act.
00:43:35The president couldn't be here, Harvey, so he sent a wire.
00:43:41Tell him it's a, never mind.
00:43:44Which is an audience or a funeral?
00:43:45Now, pay attention, please.
00:43:47But I'm a little nervous because Harvey was a personal friend of mine,
00:43:50and there's not a person in this room that Harvey Pitnick did not touch.
00:43:54I must say, he touched me for 40 bucks and Steve for 20.
00:44:00Folks, I don't dance.
00:44:01This is it, you see.
00:44:05But I do feel for his widow, Bernice.
00:44:07That was a romantic marriage.
00:44:09She learned everything about sex from Emanuel.
00:44:13Emanuel was their gardener.
00:44:19I'm sorry.
00:44:20I better wrap it up now, folks.
00:44:21You know the old axiom in show business.
00:44:23Get off quick.
00:44:25Like Harvey on his wedding night.
00:44:27Could you die?
00:44:28I gotta go.
00:44:29Goodbye.
00:44:29Thank you so much.
00:44:32Thank you, folks.
00:44:33I'm thrilled to be here tonight to pay tribute to the late Harvey Pitnick.
00:44:37But enough about Harvey.
00:44:42Take my wife, please.
00:44:47Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
00:44:50They're worth it.
00:44:55Why do Jewish guys die before their wives?
00:44:57They want to.
00:45:03And that's what I think of you, Harvey.
00:45:12Thank you, Henny Youngman, for that trip down memory lane.
00:45:15And now...
00:45:20But seriously, Henny, you were never funnier.
00:45:22And it's a shame.
00:45:26But I was asked to say a couple of words about Harvey.
00:45:29How about ugly and cheap?
00:45:33Harvey wrote his will on his cock.
00:45:35And his lawyer said he would not stand up in court.
00:45:45Okay, Mrs. Pitnick.
00:45:46You're on.
00:45:47You're on.
00:45:48Oh, no.
00:45:49Oh, no, I really can't.
00:45:50You're the widow.
00:45:51You've got to give Harvey's rebuttal.
00:45:54But in conclusion, I'd like to say congratulations, Harvey.
00:45:58Rigor mortis is the closest you ever come to a hard-on in 15 years.
00:46:03All right, thank you.
00:46:14Harvey himself is going to throw in his two cents as soon as we take him off his eyelids.
00:46:20I don't get it.
00:46:21I don't get it.
00:46:22And now for the rebuttal on behalf of our guest of honor, his lovely widow, Bernice.
00:46:27And nothing's changed, Harvey.
00:46:28She's still going to be doing all the talking.
00:46:31Bernice Pitnick.
00:46:46Thank you, Merv.
00:46:53Now, well, I would like to inject a serious note, as, uh, Henny Youngman did earlier.
00:47:06I want to say to Harvey, my late husband,
00:47:13as I look down at you, lying there motionless,
00:47:19I can only think of one thing.
00:47:22Our wedding night.
00:47:29I'll never forget my, my last moments with...
00:47:34Harvey.
00:47:36as I, as I took him into my arms
00:47:39and I whispered those three little words,
00:47:44Sign the will.
00:47:49But seriously, I'm glad to see Slappy White here today.
00:47:53Now at least I know my hubcaps are safe.
00:47:59And Rip Taylor,
00:48:01is that a toupee or did a beaver curl up and die on your head?
00:48:08As I look at Henny Youngman today,
00:48:11I'm not so sure we're burying the right guy.
00:48:19At last,
00:48:21the greatest album of love songs ever recorded.
00:48:24You'll want to share them with someone special.
00:48:28Why do birds suddenly appear?
00:48:32Sung by the man who turned a personal affliction
00:48:35into a recording career.
00:48:37Don No Soul Simmons.
00:48:48Why do stars fall down from the sky
00:48:54every time you walk by?
00:49:03They long to be close to you.
00:49:11So curl up by the fireside
00:49:13and listen to the non-threatening music
00:49:15of this master showman.
00:49:36Say, has anybody seen my sweet gypsy rose?
00:49:44Here's her picture when she was mine.
00:49:48Young lovers of any age
00:49:50will cherish this timeless collection
00:49:52of the world's most romantic ballads.
00:49:54And if you act now,
00:49:56you'll get free this bonus album,
00:49:58Don Simmons,
00:49:59Down and Punky.
00:50:07Jeremiah was a bullfrog
00:50:09He was a good friend of mine
00:50:13He never understood a single word he said
00:50:17This two-record collection is not available in any stores,
00:50:20so order now.
00:50:21Yes, he always had some mighty fine wine
00:50:35Hey, Sunder,
00:50:36she's a lovely sight, lads.
00:50:40Man can bet your miserable lives
00:50:43her cargo hold is filled with treasured booty.
00:50:47Let's take her, Captain.
00:50:49Hey, are you game, lads?
00:50:50Hey!
00:50:56Video pirates!
00:50:58Man and the guns are prepared to defend borders!
00:51:00Fire!
00:51:07That place is behind it!
00:51:13Give them a belly to a steel!
00:51:31Ah, by gun, Captain.
00:51:33All the latest home videos.
00:51:35In beta!
00:51:36In VHS!
00:51:37Aye, some so current,
00:51:38they're still in theatrical release.
00:51:40Help yourself, mates.
00:51:42A chest full of video discs.
00:51:44No!
00:51:45Ah, what good are they?
00:51:46Can't record on them.
00:51:47They're not compatible with my system.
00:51:49Captain!
00:51:51This was locked!
00:51:52Stand back.
00:51:57Ah!
00:51:58Open the cup!
00:52:00Listen.
00:52:02Gather all my buckles and feature eyes on this.
00:52:05Make all the illegal copies you want!
00:52:08Put it on.
00:52:09Aye, aye, Captain.
00:52:14Oh, I'm so scared.
00:52:17Oh, I'm so scared.
00:52:19Ha, ha, ha, ha!
00:56:49Steve, j'ai dit des choses qu'il ne devait pas avoir.
00:56:53Mais merci d'avoir sauvé cette dinoise.
00:56:56Tu ne peux pas avoir l'eau de ce joint.
00:57:03Le trône est encore warm.
00:57:09Qu'est-ce que tu vas ?
00:57:14J'ai oublié quelque chose sur le ship.
00:57:17Qu'est-ce que tu vas ?
00:57:18Je suis là.
00:57:25We are experiencing technical difficulties.
00:57:29Please stand by.
00:57:32We are experiencing techni-
00:57:38Je demande que tu nous offres, Queen Lara.
00:57:42Nous sommes en mission official de Planet Earth.
00:57:45Ha ! Planet Earth.
00:57:47Is that what you call that pitiful ball hanging in the sky ?
00:57:50Yeah, you wouldn't say that if you saw Jane Russell, the Brooklyn Dodgers.
00:57:54Silence, swine.
00:57:55Or you will suffer the same fate as your friend.
00:57:58I intend to file a protest in the death of Blackie.
00:58:02He dared to enter the sacred temple and steal the precious moonstones.
00:58:06But feeding into giant spiders without the benefit of counsel is not the way we do things in America.
00:58:17Boy, I never thought I'd be so miserable surrounded by beautiful dames.
00:58:21Not the gags, Butch. We're in enough trouble.
00:58:25What's she looking at ?
00:58:26She acts like she's never seen a man before.
00:58:29She hasn't.
00:58:31Have you, Alpha Beta ?
00:58:33No, my queen.
00:58:36What are men good for ?
00:58:38Well, I'm pretty good in the back seat of a Studebaker.
00:58:41Butch !
00:58:42Men are useless.
00:58:45Back where I come from.
00:58:47No woman is complete without a man.
00:58:51You see, Commander Nelson, 12,000 gamma spans ago.
00:58:56Gamma spans ?
00:58:57A moon unit of time.
00:58:58Roughly equivalent to your Earth year.
00:59:00Anyway, all men were banished from the lunar surface because they couldn't...
00:59:05For 131 years, this great institution has amassed what many consider to be
00:59:11the finest collection of art anywhere in the world.
00:59:15And now, it can all be yours.
00:59:19We've lost our lease.
00:59:22That's right. Everything must go.
00:59:25From the old masters of Europe to the conceptual artists of today's Soho.
00:59:29We're talking Rembrandts, Botticelli's, Gauguin, Cezanne, Matisse, Renoir,
00:59:35and the chairman of the board, Leonardo da Vinci.
00:59:40This Egyptian sarcophagus from the dynasty of Ramses II, appraised at $14 million, our price, $19.95.
00:59:50Buy now and we'll toss in free of charge the original Declaration of Independence.
00:59:56Now, you might expect to pay millions for this document that shaped a great nation, but it's yours free.
01:00:03This fine parchment will enhance any den or playroom.
01:00:07And you can have some fun with your friends by adding your own name along with the original signers.
01:00:14Remember, the Cosmopolitan Museum of Art.
01:00:17Every Van Gogh must go.
01:00:22Hello, I'm Henry Silva.
01:00:24Ever since the ocean liner Titanic sunk on her maiden voyage in 1912, people have asked, how did it happen?
01:00:34Join me as we dramatically recreate the sinking of the great ocean liner, Titanic.
01:00:43Bullshit or not, you be the judge, here on this station.
01:00:49From the pen of America's wealthiest author, Irving Sidney, the man who gave us the bestsellers, Irving Sidney's The Naked
01:00:57Virgin, and Irving Sidney's The Power in the Flesh, comes Irving Sidney's sizzling new blockbuster.
01:01:07Long time no see, huh?
01:01:09There must be some mistake.
01:01:11Come on, who are you kidding?
01:01:12It's me, Bert.
01:01:15I'm in town with the textile convention, and I thought maybe we could, uh, you know, uh...
01:01:19Party!
01:01:22I don't do that anymore.
01:01:24You better get out of here, or you'll wake the president.
01:01:28When President Harrison Chandler was married in the White House, it was the social event of the decade.
01:01:34The courageous president and his beautiful new bride.
01:01:38But she possessed a secret that could shatter her dreams and topple a government.
01:01:44I'll meet you in the Lincoln Room in five minutes.
01:01:50She was forced to live a lie when her sins came back to haunt her.
01:01:54She was First Lady of the Evening.
01:01:59Irving Sidney's First Lady of the Evening.
01:02:02A magnet paperback in easy-to-read type with no big words.
01:02:19Look, Violet, why do you say we go park out by the lake? My glands are out of control.
01:02:26Well, okay, Georgie. But are you prepared?
01:02:29I've been preparing myself for 17 years.
01:02:32That's not what I meant.
01:02:36Pull over to that drug store.
01:02:53Georgie.
01:02:59Make sure you ask for Titans. Those are the best.
01:03:03I'm sorry.
01:03:04I'm sorry.
01:03:12I'm sorry.
01:03:12Hello, George. How are you?
01:03:14Hi, Mr. Gower. I didn't think you'd work nights.
01:03:17My night man took sick. What can I do for you?
01:03:20We're having a sale on shaving cre...
01:03:23What am I saying? You're not old enough to shave yet.
01:03:26I haven't shaved since March. See?
01:03:29Hey, I better call your mom right now and thank her for the preserves she brought over to her.
01:03:34Not now. I mean... I mean, don't bother. I'll give her the message for you.
01:03:41I bet I know what you want.
01:03:43You do?
01:03:44Sure. I was young once.
01:03:48Liquor sticks. They came in fresh this morning.
01:03:52Mr. Gower, I'm 17 years old.
01:03:55Already?
01:03:57Seems like only yesterday your mom was in here buying talc to powder your little bottom.
01:04:02Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
01:04:04Uh, look.
01:04:10Never mind.
01:04:11Thanks.
01:04:29Almost forgot what I came in for.
01:04:32A tube of toothpaste and a box of items.
01:04:35A toothpaste and what?
01:04:37A box of titans.
01:04:40You have to speak up, George.
01:04:42Titans. I want a box of titan condoms.
01:04:46George!
01:04:49And to think you were an altar boy.
01:05:09You did say titans.
01:05:12Oh, only about four times.
01:05:15Thanks, Mr. Gower.
01:05:36What's going on?
01:05:38George!
01:05:39Rupert King, president of titan condoms.
01:05:41Congratulations, young man.
01:05:42You are our one billionth customer.
01:05:45Pictures.
01:05:48Look, thanks, but I really gotta go.
01:05:50That's a bad kid. We've been planning this for months.
01:05:52It's really not necessary.
01:05:54Tell me, George. How long have you been using our fine titan products?
01:05:58Uh, you could, uh, say I never use anything else.
01:06:01Frank Porter, are you getting all of this?
01:06:02Hey, you're not gonna use my name, are you?
01:06:04Of modesty. I like it.
01:06:05You could give titans that wholesome image we're looking for.
01:06:08Do you know what you're doing to me?
01:06:09The entire town's gonna know about this.
01:06:11You'll be a household name, George.
01:06:14Just like Bip, our titan mascot.
01:06:16Pictures. Pictures.
01:06:18Hi, folks. Hi, George.
01:06:19Hi, everybody.
01:06:20Hey, George, will you autograph a box for me?
01:06:23I'm getting used to that, George.
01:06:26More good news, George.
01:06:28Even as we speak, your parents are racing here to join you in your moment of titan trial.
01:06:34My parents, are you nuts?
01:06:35I'm not even supposed to have the car.
01:06:37Make sure you airbrush out the kids' acne, okay?
01:06:39George, as a token of our thanks, we'd like you to have this lifetime supply of titans.
01:06:45Thank you, Connie.
01:06:47Well, it was one.
01:06:51Violet!
01:06:52George, I can tell you're as excited as we are.
01:06:54As you begin this, your year-long reign as our titan king!
01:06:58Yippee!
01:07:16And now the exciting conclusion of the 1955 feature, Amazon Women of the Moon.
01:07:25There will be no further commercial interruptions.
01:07:29Bullshit or not?
01:07:31Hey, cut the moisture.
01:07:32Dude, this place about to blow sky high.
01:07:34Yes, look!
01:07:37The mutant of the mountain demon is angry.
01:07:39Yeah, and that ain't just heartburn.
01:07:41We haven't got much time.
01:07:42Let's go!
01:07:44Come on, honey!
01:07:57There's the rocket.
01:07:58Hurry!
01:07:58Come on, Alpha Beta.
01:08:00When we get back to Earth, I'm gonna show you every field.
01:08:02Come on!
01:08:24Oh, Steve.
01:08:26Save yourself.
01:08:28I wouldn't even enjoy Earth without you.
01:08:51Pass the seat belts.
01:08:54I think we got about 12 seconds before everything blows.
01:08:58Buy retros.
01:09:02She won't turn over!
01:09:04She won't turn over!
01:09:13Listen to that sweet music.
01:09:33Wait.
01:09:34Get to me, mater!
01:09:35Good,aku!
01:09:41Get up.
01:09:41Get up!
01:09:42Get up!
01:09:43Get up!
01:09:44Get up!
01:09:46Get up!
01:09:47Get up!
01:09:49Get up!
01:09:51Get up!
01:09:55Get up!
01:10:00Tell me the plane to bank for a bicycle to a man with an upgrade.
01:10:02C'est la seule maison que j'ai jamais rencontré.
01:10:06Vous avez un nouveau maison, Larry.
01:10:08Avec moi, sur Terre.
01:10:16Qu'est-ce qu'ils font, Butch?
01:10:18C'est un peu comme ça.
01:10:24Je vais vous donner la première course.
01:10:35C'est un peu comme ça.
01:10:36Earth to moon rocket one.
01:10:38Earth to moon rocket one.
01:10:40This is the president.
01:10:43Steve, I hope you have things well in hand.
01:10:47I'll see.
01:11:03Psst.
01:11:07Psst.
01:11:09Psst.
01:11:11Yeah, you. Come here.
01:11:18Yeah?
01:11:19Saturday night.
01:11:24Yeah?
01:11:25Ain't got a date.
01:11:29What's your name, kid?
01:11:32Ray?
01:11:33Ray?
01:11:34Ray?
01:12:15I'm Sherry.
01:12:16You must be Ray.
01:12:16Hey, I'm Sherry.
01:12:24I heard you were good-looking.
01:12:28But I had no idea.
01:12:31Come on in.
01:12:40As you can see, I made dinner.
01:12:42Mm, but I'm not hungry just yet.
01:12:47The food.
01:12:48Do you know what I mean?
01:13:06Help me with my zipper, Red.
01:13:12Oh, that's so much better.
01:13:17God, you're such a hunk, Ray.
01:13:22I want you.
01:13:24I want you now.
01:13:26Get over here, Ray.
01:13:30I'm waiting, Ray.
01:13:33Take me.
01:13:35I want you to make wild, violent love to me.
01:13:41Oh, yes, Ray.
01:13:45Yes.
01:13:47Oh, you're so good, Ray.
01:13:51Yes.
01:13:53Oh, oh, Ray.
01:13:57You're the best, Ray.
01:14:00Yeah, yeah.
01:14:01Oh, oh, Ray.
01:14:03Give it to me.
01:14:04Mm, that's good, Ray.
01:14:08Yeah.
01:14:10Oh, oh, oh.
01:14:12You're the best, Ray.
01:14:15Yeah.
01:14:16Oh.
01:14:18You dirty slut.
01:14:20Frankie, what are you doing here?
01:14:22I thought you were out of town.
01:14:23That's what I wanted you to think.
01:14:26And I expected a little more from you, Ray.
01:14:31You think I care about a loser like Ray?
01:14:35I did it to hurt you.
01:14:37Did it to hurt me?
01:14:38Well, your cheating days are over, street me.
01:14:41Frankie, what are you doing with that gun?
01:14:43I'm going to teach you
01:14:44and this little no-nothing wimper lesson.
01:14:47That's what I'm doing with the gun.
01:14:49No, Frankie.
01:14:50I love you.
01:14:51I've always loved you.
01:14:53You think I enjoyed going to bat with a worm like Ray?
01:14:56Oh, shut up!
01:14:57Worm?
01:14:57Your history, Sherry.
01:15:06Satisfied, Ray?
01:15:08Happy now, buddy?
01:15:11Well, you're going to have to live with that guilt
01:15:13for the rest of your life.
01:15:15And you know what else, Ray?
01:15:18You're going to have to live with this, too.
01:15:21Freeze!
01:15:26You have the right to remain silent.
01:15:28If you give up the right to remain silent,
01:15:30anything you say can and will be used against you
01:15:32in the court of law.
01:15:33You have the right to speak with an attorney
01:15:35and have an attorney present at the time of questioning.
01:15:38I was at a dance when she caught my eye
01:15:43Standing all alone, looking sad and shy
01:16:02Blame it on the bossa nova with its magic spell, blame it on the bossa nova that she did so
01:16:13well.
01:16:20Blame it on the bossa nova with its magic spell, blame it on the bossa nova with its magic spell,
01:16:36blame it on the bossa nova that she did so well.
01:16:38Oh, it all began with just one little dance, but soon it ended up a big romance, blame it on
01:16:45the bossa nova, the dance of love.
Commentaires