- 22 hours ago
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TVTranscript
00:01:39I'm going to remove the tape, but do not.
00:01:43I repeat, do not make a sound.
00:01:47Do you understand?
00:01:53I said, don't make a sound.
00:01:55I'm sorry.
00:01:56I'm sorry.
00:01:57If you do that again, I'll put a bullet in your dick, okay?
00:02:01What?
00:02:01I said, I'll put a bullet in your dick, motherfucker.
00:02:06You mean like slip it down the japsai or something?
00:02:10What?
00:02:11No, I'll point the gun at your penis and pull the trigger.
00:02:14It's pretty fucking simple.
00:02:15And japsai is not very PC.
00:02:17In fact, it's very racist.
00:02:19I'm sorry.
00:02:21What?
00:02:22Get the camera.
00:02:25Please, please, don't kill me.
00:02:28Please.
00:02:31I've got a kid and a wife.
00:02:33Please.
00:02:35It's not really working, is it?
00:02:38It doesn't look hostage-y enough.
00:02:41Okay.
00:02:43Please.
00:02:45Please.
00:02:45I don't fucking know.
00:02:52That's it.
00:02:52Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
00:03:28I'm sure I'm not alone.
00:03:29I'm sure those of you who are listening have got very similar experiences.
00:03:33That is friends, colleagues, relatives who, when it came to that crucial vote, they overthought it.
00:03:40They thought they were being cool.
00:03:42They thought they were being too smart.
00:03:44And now, to this day, they regret that decision.
00:03:47Would they, if they could vote again, vote differently?
00:03:51And the answer, in my experience, is a unanimous yes.
00:03:56Definitely.
00:03:57They were sold a lie.
00:03:58They enjoyed the glamour of it.
00:04:00They enjoyed, it was almost counterculture, wasn't it, at the time?
00:04:04You were cocking a snook at the establishment.
00:04:07How exciting.
00:04:08How brave.
00:04:09How daring you were.
00:04:11I don't, I don't, I don't understand.
00:04:18I just, I just want it to be better.
00:04:35Shall I do that again?
00:04:37I could do Scottish.
00:04:41No, that was great.
00:04:42Thanks.
00:04:44Thanks.
00:04:44Thanks so much for seeing me.
00:04:47Thanks for coming in.
00:04:48Thank you so much.
00:04:51That was all right, wasn't it?
00:04:53Yeah.
00:04:54I mean, quite emotional for a yoghurt advert.
00:04:57But it was good.
00:04:58It was good.
00:04:59Suzanne?
00:05:00Hi.
00:05:01Thanks for coming in.
00:05:04Hi, Al.
00:05:05Come in.
00:05:18For me, it just seems like the obvious way forward.
00:05:21I mean, we're living through the digital revolution, you know.
00:05:23A job in tech is future-proof.
00:05:25I tell you, though, I never thought I'd be retraining on my age.
00:05:28My girlfriend's an actress, you know, and I see how much she struggles.
00:05:32No security in that game, I tell you.
00:05:34Look, I keep saying to her,
00:05:35you should have a backup plan, baby.
00:05:37Something safe, just in case.
00:05:39And not because she's not talented.
00:05:40She is.
00:05:40She's amazing.
00:05:42Oh, speak of the devil.
00:05:44Do you mind, forget this?
00:05:46Yes, yeah.
00:05:46Come on, thank you.
00:05:48Oh.
00:05:49Hey, baby, how'd it go?
00:05:50They are all cunts.
00:05:52Rude, pretentious, fucking cunts, I'm telling you.
00:05:55They just looked at me like I did a fucking shit in front of them and ate it.
00:05:58Yeah, yeah, baby, yeah, baby.
00:05:59I know, I'm with the passenger at the moment and I'm driving,
00:06:03so I will call you when I get home, okay?
00:06:05I'm just going to fucking kill myself.
00:06:09Sorry about that.
00:06:14She's not really going to kill herself, is she?
00:06:15No, no.
00:06:17Says that after every audition.
00:06:20Yeah.
00:06:40Hey, boo-boo.
00:06:44Maggie?
00:06:47Hey.
00:06:49Hey.
00:06:51Who are they for?
00:06:53I don't know the bastards, gay you don't.
00:06:55Baby, you can't afford to spend money on flowers.
00:06:58You're really pregnant.
00:07:00Oh.
00:07:03MP Richard Hardy has announced he'll be visiting various towns and cities
00:07:07across the northeast of England this week.
00:07:10He claims his party has completely lost touch with the region.
00:07:14Do you remember my friend from school, Natalie?
00:07:16Yeah.
00:07:16She bought a house with her fiancé.
00:07:18She posted pictures.
00:07:21As if my day couldn't get any fucking worse.
00:07:23What have I told you about going on social media and reading your friend's good news?
00:07:26It's just going to depress you.
00:07:29Anyway, doesn't mean she's happier.
00:07:31Yeah.
00:07:31But she wishes she was us.
00:07:35Listen, when I finish my course, I'm going to quit the driving and I'm going to get a programming job.
00:07:40I'm talking Amazon.
00:07:42I'm talking Google.
00:07:43You know?
00:07:43Finally, a little bit of stability for us.
00:07:45How amazing will that be?
00:07:46And, uh, what's your whole outlook on?
00:07:50Okay, don't get too excited.
00:07:52Sorry, baby.
00:07:53I'm just...
00:07:54I'm just having a shit day.
00:07:56I know.
00:07:56But, look, something good is coming our way.
00:08:00I can feel it in my bones.
00:08:04Oh, shit.
00:08:06What?
00:08:07Um, I've been evicted.
00:08:11What was that about your bones?
00:08:13You two months behind.
00:08:15This seems a bit extreme.
00:08:18I'll fix this.
00:08:19Don't worry.
00:08:20How are you going to fix it?
00:08:23I'll figure it out.
00:08:25We'll be fine.
00:08:27We'll be fine.
00:08:30Look at you being all alpha.
00:08:33What?
00:08:34I don't know what I did to deserve you.
00:08:36You're too nice.
00:08:46I don't know what I did to deserve you.
00:09:06We're going up to the northeast to make clear our promise to the working people
00:09:11and to come up with a strategy that is going to enhance their lives
00:09:15and hopefully the rest of Britain as a result.
00:09:42It's about us taking control of our lives.
00:09:44France?
00:09:45Or Spain or anywhere.
00:09:47Yeah, but Spain gets so hot and you know that I can't handle the heat.
00:09:49Oh, God, all right.
00:09:50Let's just stay in rot in our shitty little flat we can't even afford.
00:09:56I just thought a change would be good after everything we've been through.
00:09:59Well, we could move back to London.
00:10:00We can't afford London.
00:10:02Or Wales.
00:10:03You know, my parents live by the sea.
00:10:04That always calms you down.
00:10:05Well, not really the same as the side of France, is it?
00:10:08What about your career, then?
00:10:10What career?
00:10:12Seriously, if I'm not going to be a famous actress,
00:10:14then I'd rather be a no-one in a sunny country, you know?
00:10:18You love acting.
00:10:19Yeah, I love acting.
00:10:21I don't love not acting.
00:10:24I suppose I could get an IT job, you know?
00:10:27Yeah.
00:10:28Yeah, exactly.
00:10:28It's a transferable skill.
00:10:29You could do that out there.
00:10:31It's Brexit, though.
00:10:32Ugh, fucking hell.
00:10:36I just want to feel excited about something in my life again.
00:10:39Don't you?
00:10:45Thanks for the effort.
00:10:47Have a good shift.
00:10:54Thanks for the effort.
00:11:26Otherwise, they'll kill me.
00:11:29These people are serious.
00:11:31Do not try to call their bluff.
00:11:33Just follow the instructions and transfer the money.
00:11:37Please.
00:11:38Please.
00:11:40I don't want to die.
00:11:46Good?
00:11:46A bit fake.
00:11:48Not much feeling, but I guess that's what you get from a politician.
00:11:54Do not try to call their bluff.
00:11:56Just follow the instructions and transfer the money.
00:11:59How's it going?
00:11:59Nearly done.
00:12:00Come on.
00:12:01All right, all right.
00:12:01It's uploaded.
00:12:03Right, and they definitely won't be able to trace it back to us.
00:12:05No, emails are from a fake account,
00:12:07and I've coded everything else so that its location is blocked.
00:12:10This computer course of yours is finally paying off.
00:12:13See?
00:12:14Just imagine what kind of job I'll be able to get once I finish it.
00:12:16What are you talking about?
00:12:17We're getting the fuck out.
00:12:19Yeah, I just...
00:12:21Boo-boo, when this thing pays off,
00:12:23you're not going to need any fucking tea anymore.
00:12:26We're going to France.
00:12:27We're going to open a B&B.
00:12:29We're going to drink wine, eat croissants.
00:12:32Telling me that doesn't sound good.
00:12:35Yeah.
00:12:35Yeah, it does sound good.
00:12:36It's just...
00:12:37No croissants for me, obviously, because of the gluten.
00:12:41Yeah.
00:12:42On the dairy.
00:12:45OK.
00:12:46It's done.
00:12:47Right.
00:12:48Time to call the wife.
00:12:52OK.
00:12:54God, this thing is killing me.
00:12:56Not hot on yours.
00:12:57So hot.
00:12:58I think it's meant from polyester.
00:12:59Yeah, 100% polyester.
00:13:00Nightmare.
00:13:00Well, we can't afford to take any chances.
00:13:03Who knows, I might sweat some fat off my face.
00:13:05Fat?
00:13:06What are you talking about?
00:13:07I was joking.
00:13:09OK.
00:13:10Ready?
00:13:11Yeah.
00:13:12I love you.
00:13:13I love you, too.
00:13:18Hello?
00:13:19What's going on?
00:13:23Where's your phone?
00:13:24In my pocket.
00:13:27I got it.
00:13:28Make sure you turn it off after.
00:13:31What's her name?
00:13:32What?
00:13:33Who?
00:13:33Your wife, fuckface.
00:13:35Oh, er, Lindsay.
00:13:35Lindsay Hardy.
00:13:38Why are you doing this?
00:13:40Are you one of my constituents?
00:13:44Oh, wait, did the PM send you?
00:13:46Look, tell him there are just some things I can't back him on, OK?
00:13:49I take it you don't remember a lot about last night.
00:13:52Uh, I don't know, not really.
00:13:54You pick up the phone, woman.
00:13:56Went for dinner with Lindsay.
00:13:58Ended up having an awful tiff, again.
00:14:00Tiff.
00:14:01Oh, it's just the stressors' work getting to both of us.
00:14:04Oh, God, then I went to some pub by myself.
00:14:07Fucking blotted.
00:14:08What an arse.
00:14:08So, you don't remember meeting us?
00:14:11Meeting you?
00:14:13No, sorry.
00:14:14Er, I don't think we've been properly introduced.
00:14:16You are...
00:14:16She's not fucking picking up.
00:14:18You have a message.
00:14:19A message.
00:14:22Shh, shh.
00:14:24Richard, what's going on?
00:14:26Where are you?
00:14:27Lindsay Hardy.
00:14:28Who's this?
00:14:29We have your husband.
00:14:31We want 100k by 11am.
00:14:34Or we kill him.
00:14:35Is this a joke?
00:14:36Does it sound like a fucking joke?
00:14:38I don't know.
00:14:39Depends if you find that kind of thing funny.
00:14:41It's not a fucking joke, dickhead.
00:14:42Check your emails.
00:14:43We've sent you the proof.
00:14:44We want 100k in Bitcoin, okay?
00:14:47Bitcoin?
00:14:48No, I don't know the first thing about Bitcoin.
00:14:49Just fucking check your emails, dickhead.
00:14:51It explains everything.
00:14:53And if you fucking go to the police,
00:14:55we'll fuck him up so bad,
00:14:56you won't be able to recognise him.
00:15:01Fuck!
00:15:01That was amazing!
00:15:04Are you sure she can get that kind of money?
00:15:06Yes, of course she can.
00:15:08Yes, of course she can.
00:15:10You cocky little privileged punts.
00:15:13I bet you've got millions in offshore accounts.
00:15:15No, no, no.
00:15:16I was just trying to reassure you not to worry.
00:15:17She will get you the money.
00:15:20Good.
00:15:22Hallway debrief now.
00:15:28Okay, we take it in turns to watch him
00:15:29while the other one sleeps.
00:15:30You're really mean, isn't it?
00:15:32What?
00:15:32Baby, I was just acting.
00:15:34I was playing a character.
00:15:35Who?
00:15:35So do you...
00:15:36What?
00:15:36Who are you playing?
00:15:38I don't know.
00:15:39Mad Maggie.
00:15:40That's your name?
00:15:41Yeah, but it's a version of me.
00:15:43You need to think of a character too.
00:15:45Right.
00:15:45You're too soft in there.
00:15:46Can't have him thinking you're a nice guy.
00:15:49Man, did you feel that in there.
00:15:51Feel what?
00:15:52The buzz.
00:15:53This is way more fun than any live show I've ever done.
00:15:56Except maybe that one-woman show
00:15:57I did about the Troubles,
00:15:59the musical.
00:16:00It was before we met.
00:16:00Yeah.
00:16:02Thank you so much for doing this with me, baby.
00:16:04It means so much.
00:16:06Shall we go upstairs for a quick buck?
00:16:09Reading it now?
00:16:10Yeah, yeah.
00:16:12I don't know.
00:16:13I don't think I'm up to it.
00:16:14My IBS is playing up.
00:16:17Oh, Jesus.
00:16:18No, I mean, I want to.
00:16:19Don't get me wrong.
00:16:20No, it's fine.
00:16:21Look, just go upstairs.
00:16:23I know you're stressed.
00:16:25I'll keep an eye on him.
00:16:27Set your alarm and come and get me in a couple of hours.
00:16:30Okay, you're going to be okay on your own.
00:16:32Not on my own, am I?
00:16:33Got my little friend.
00:16:35Okay, let's make sure that he doesn't find out that it's not loaded.
00:16:38You definitely took the bullets out, didn't you?
00:16:40Yeah, of course I did.
00:16:41Stop being such a little worrywart.
00:16:44Go upstairs and get your beauty sleep, okay?
00:16:46Okay.
00:17:34Go upstairs and get your beauty sleep, okay?
00:17:47You're part of that radical left-wing terrorist group I keep hearing about.
00:17:56LGBT rights.
00:17:58I voted for gay marriage, you know, so I'm...
00:18:00Shut up, dick.
00:18:04So what?
00:18:06You're just a couple of chances trying to enrich yourselves?
00:18:09Yeah, well, you'd know all about that, wouldn't you?
00:18:13Enriching yourselves at the expense of others.
00:18:17Cronyism.
00:18:18Tax cuts for the rich.
00:18:19Fucking over the poor and needy.
00:18:22Oh, right, you think that's funny?
00:18:23No.
00:18:24Sorry.
00:18:25No, go on, share the fucking joke.
00:18:27It's just a bit hypocritical, don't you think?
00:18:30You go out of your way to get what you want by any means necessary, regardless of who it hurts.
00:18:34Not exactly socialism.
00:18:35Yeah, well, we weren't all born with silver spoons hanging out of our arsehole.
00:18:39You need to do your research, pumpkin.
00:18:41Pumpkin?
00:18:41I worked hard to get my position.
00:18:43See, this is the problem with people nowadays.
00:18:45Oh, God, here we go.
00:18:46No, no, you all want success without actually putting the work in.
00:18:49You think you can get rich by eating Kit Kats on Instagram?
00:18:52Kit Kats?
00:18:53Chocolate sweets.
00:18:55Does it matter which ones?
00:18:57You all want money for nothing.
00:18:59I'm not going to sit here and listen to some posh, eaten biscuit wanker lecture me about hard work.
00:19:04I don't know if you've forgotten what's going on here, so I'm going to remind you.
00:19:09You're being held hostage, and I've got my finger on the trigger of a loaded gun.
00:19:15So if you don't mind, shut the fuck up.
00:19:22Fair point.
00:19:34I just want to feel excited about something in my life again.
00:19:37Don't you?
00:19:44Thanks for the lift.
00:19:46Have a good shift.
00:20:13I'm here.
00:20:17Ah, the tuna nasoas.
00:20:20Ah, thank you.
00:20:22And the sea bass.
00:20:24What's that?
00:20:25It's your dinner, sir.
00:20:26But I ordered sea bream.
00:20:28Richard, please don't.
00:20:29What?
00:20:31Well, bass and bream are very similar, sir.
00:20:34No, sweetheart, they're really not.
00:20:36You need to do your research.
00:20:37Sea bass has more bones.
00:20:38I don't want more bones.
00:20:39I want sea bream.
00:20:40What I ordered, please.
00:20:42All right, well, there's no need to be a dick about it.
00:20:45Excuse me?
00:20:46Get you your fucking bream.
00:20:49Can you believe that?
00:20:52Fucking arsehole.
00:20:53Who?
00:20:54Fuck post on table mine.
00:20:56I went ape shit at me just because I got bass and bream mixed up.
00:20:59I mean, seriously, what's the difference?
00:21:01Bass has more bones.
00:21:03Really?
00:21:06Uh-oh.
00:21:08Fuck.
00:21:08Shit.
00:21:11Yes.
00:21:11Yes, thank you.
00:21:12Of course.
00:21:14Maggie, can I have a word?
00:21:17Look, I don't know what he said to you, but he was really rude to me.
00:21:20Do you know who that is?
00:21:21Yeah, it's the customer, but they're not always right.
00:21:24It's Richard Hardy.
00:21:26The MP.
00:21:27So?
00:21:28It doesn't mean he can be rude to people.
00:21:30Yeah, well, I want you to get your stuff and leave.
00:21:33What?
00:21:34You can't do that.
00:21:35You should have heard the way you spoke to me.
00:21:37I don't care, Maggie.
00:21:38Right?
00:21:38It's not the first time I've had to deal with somebody complaining about your attitude.
00:21:43Right.
00:21:44Okay, fine.
00:21:45You know what?
00:21:45Fuck you.
00:21:45You're fucking going.
00:21:48I don't care.
00:22:03It's not the first time I've had to deal with you.
00:22:15It's not the first time I've had to deal with you.
00:22:30I just told you he came in, and I might have called him a dick.
00:22:36Oh, baby, why?
00:22:38I'm not like you, am I?
00:22:40I don't like eating shit.
00:22:42What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
00:22:44You're just, you're so nice all the time.
00:22:46And that's a bad thing?
00:22:47Don't you just want to tell the world to fuck off sometimes?
00:22:49Where is this coming from?
00:22:50I'm sick of us being victims.
00:22:53We're not victims.
00:22:54No, of course we're not.
00:22:55Look at us, we're living the fucking dream.
00:22:57All right, do you want me to be more like your ex, then?
00:22:59Oh, my God.
00:23:00Not this again.
00:23:01Drug dealer, gangster, bad man, yeah?
00:23:03He wasn't a gangster bad man.
00:23:05He was a drug dealer.
00:23:07I mean, how am I meant to feel, right?
00:23:08You told me on our second date
00:23:10that you've always been attracted to bad boys.
00:23:12Yeah, as in I was finally happy to meet someone nice.
00:23:14I thought you didn't like me being nice.
00:23:18Where are you going?
00:23:19One of us has gone away with money for rent, haven't we?
00:23:44One of us has gone away with money for rent, haven't we?
00:24:03One of us has gone away with money for rent, haven't we?
00:24:03One of us has gone away with money for rent, haven't we?
00:24:07One of us has gone away with money for rent, haven't we?
00:24:23Almost, Dickie.
00:24:25Almost.
00:24:29Oh, fucking hell.
00:24:30Oh, my God.
00:24:41Ryan.
00:24:52Baby.
00:24:55Baby.
00:24:57Baby!
00:24:58No.
00:24:59What's going on?
00:25:00You were meant to come and get me.
00:25:02What's that time?
00:25:04Oh, shit. Have you been awake all this time?
00:25:06Yeah.
00:25:07I'm so sorry.
00:25:13What the...?
00:25:14I found him in the wardrobe.
00:25:16I feel quality on that.
00:25:19Yeah, nice.
00:25:20Have you heard off the wife yet?
00:25:22No, but, you know, it's still early.
00:25:25So, if we don't hear from her by 11, I'll call her back.
00:25:29I'm hungry. Are you hungry? I'm starving.
00:25:32Shall we get a delivery?
00:25:32I don't think they have a delivery around you, Pippi.
00:25:35How do they fucking live like this?
00:25:38Hello?
00:25:40Someone, please, quick, quickly.
00:25:42Shit.
00:25:47It's an emergency.
00:25:48What the fuck did I tell you about keeping the noise down?
00:25:51Sorry, I'm just really desperate for the loo.
00:25:53Right, well, you'll have to piss yourself.
00:25:55It's a poo.
00:25:57Can it not wait?
00:25:59Nope.
00:26:00I've got a turtle's head.
00:26:01Oh, my God, all right.
00:26:02Well, we don't need the fucking details, do we?
00:26:04It's fine.
00:26:04You better not try anything.
00:26:06Get me the tape.
00:26:08Get me the scissors as well.
00:26:11Right, Google nearest takeaways.
00:26:12Nothing's going to be open yet.
00:26:13Just have a look and we'll order later, OK?
00:26:20Right, Richard.
00:26:21Let's get you to your potty.
00:26:26OK?
00:26:36OK.
00:26:48Yeah, what?
00:26:50Some privacy, please.
00:26:52Er, no. Don't think so, mate.
00:26:54What do you think I'm going to do? Swim down the toilet?
00:26:56Well, you might try and climb out the window.
00:26:59Do I look like a fucking midget?
00:27:01You can't say that. That's offensive.
00:27:04God.
00:27:05It's just my luck to be kidnapped by a woke fucking snowflake.
00:27:13What are you doing?
00:27:15What do you think?
00:27:16I don't want to hear me, do I?
00:27:18I have heard people fart before, you know.
00:27:21No, I'm not talking about bodily sounds, am I?
00:27:23I'm talking about, you know, the...
00:27:25Plop.
00:27:27You're telling me you've never done this?
00:27:29To break the fall or run the taps to hide the sound?
00:27:33Look, I'm not even going to have this chat with...
00:27:35Oh, I suppose your shits just hover down to the water, do they?
00:27:37Got tiny little drones that come out of your anus and carry them down.
00:27:41Just get on with it.
00:27:46I don't give a fuck if I'm being held hostage.
00:27:50A woman here might plop.
00:27:52Oh, yeah, that's right, a woman.
00:27:55You're all right shitting in front of your mates, aren't you?
00:27:58Tomo, Watkins, Horndog.
00:28:00All those boarding school games you got up to.
00:28:03Wanking into biscuits.
00:28:05I have never masturbated onto a biscuit.
00:28:08Yeah, right, sure you haven't.
00:28:22Bullshit. Oh, Maggie, Maggie, Maggie!
00:28:24We've got a problem, we've got a problem!
00:28:28Maggie, huh?
00:28:31Shut up and wipe.
00:28:32Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
00:28:34A hostage video of the MP followed shortly after...
00:28:37Fuck, baby, we said an A's member.
00:28:39This is not good, this is so not good.
00:28:40...in the hope it might help track her husband down.
00:28:45Please.
00:28:46Please.
00:28:48I don't want to die.
00:28:50Do you think I look a bit jowly?
00:28:52Fucking bitch went to the press.
00:28:55It's up on YouTube as well.
00:28:56It's got nearly two million views.
00:28:57It's got two million views.
00:28:58How is it blown up like this?
00:29:00This is, this is not good, this is so not good.
00:29:02Give me his phone now.
00:29:06Hello?
00:29:10I thought I told you not a word to anyone.
00:29:13I'm not making this shit up, love.
00:29:14I'll put a fucking bullet in his head.
00:29:16Do you understand me?
00:29:17Yes.
00:29:18Go for it.
00:29:22Sorry, what?
00:29:23I said yes, go for it.
00:29:25The bastard deserves it.
00:29:26I don't think you understand what I'm saying.
00:29:29I'm threatening to kill your husband.
00:29:36Hello?
00:29:38Fucking bitch.
00:29:39I'm up on me.
00:29:43Is everything okay with your boss?
00:29:46Um, yeah, we had a bit of an argument, but nothing serious.
00:29:50Yes?
00:29:51Listen, you fucking bitch.
00:29:53What?
00:29:54What?
00:29:54Don't you understand?
00:29:55I don't care what you fucking do to him.
00:29:59Talk to her.
00:30:00Hey, Lindsay.
00:30:01It's Richard.
00:30:03What?
00:30:03What are you playing at, Honeybun?
00:30:04Just send them the money.
00:30:06Don't tell me what to do, Richard.
00:30:07Do not tell me what to do.
00:30:09But this isn't a joke, Lindsay.
00:30:10They're standing here pointing a gun at my fucking head.
00:30:12This is not the time to call our bluff, Lindsay.
00:30:15I'm not.
00:30:17Honestly, I don't care what you do to him.
00:30:19The little shit's been cheating on me for years.
00:30:22Secretaries, escorts, you name it.
00:30:24Do I sound like your marriage counsellor?
00:30:25A little bit, yes.
00:30:28She does a bit, doesn't she, Richard?
00:30:30The second one we had.
00:30:31You know, the one you wanted to fuck.
00:30:33Oh, my God, she's insane.
00:30:34I can't do it.
00:30:35I can't put on a smile just to help your political career.
00:30:38It's over.
00:30:39You hear me?
00:30:39I won't be your Hillary anymore.
00:30:41You fucking bitch.
00:30:43Listen to me, you nutter.
00:30:44You want your daughter to see her daddy again, don't you?
00:30:47Oh, Coco.
00:30:48Lindsay, darling, tell Coco I love her.
00:30:50Honestly?
00:30:51I'd rather she grew up thinking her daddy died a hero.
00:30:54So do us all a favour and shoot the prig.
00:30:58I can't believe she's done that.
00:31:00What do we do now?
00:31:02Baby.
00:31:03What the fuck do we do now?
00:31:05Fucking hell, Dick.
00:31:07How many fucking women did you sleep with?
00:31:09She just let me die?
00:31:10That's it.
00:31:11Other room now, baby.
00:31:12Come on.
00:31:13Turn this fucking ball off.
00:31:14Stay there.
00:31:17Right, it's over.
00:31:18We have to let him go.
00:31:18No, no way.
00:31:19No, we've got no option.
00:31:21Well, then we lose.
00:31:22Maybe this isn't about winning or losses.
00:31:24Yes, it is.
00:31:25It's absolutely about winning.
00:31:26We've ruled this out to be an act of terrorism or a form of political activism.
00:31:31We spoke to Mr Hardy's colleague, Crispin Weatherly, and...
00:31:35Oh, listen to me.
00:31:37If we cut our losses now, we can get away unscathed.
00:31:39He hasn't seen our faces.
00:31:41Unscathed.
00:31:42We have spent every last penny we have renting this fucking weird, stupid house.
00:31:48And now we're in even more debt.
00:31:50We cannot let him go.
00:31:52We can and we are.
00:31:53It's done.
00:31:54It's over.
00:31:55I don't care, right?
00:31:56It's end credits, curtains, finito.
00:31:58We're done.
00:31:58No.
00:32:02Right, Mr Hardy, we're really sorry for everything that we put you through,
00:32:05and I hope that one day you can forgive us.
00:32:08What?
00:32:09You're letting me go?
00:32:10Yes.
00:32:11We're going to have to put the sack back on your head.
00:32:13I'm afraid it can't have you knowing our location.
00:32:15So, sorry in advance and, well, sorry for everything, really.
00:32:18Shall we?
00:32:19Must be your lucky day, Hardy.
00:32:21No, wait.
00:32:22Wait.
00:32:23I don't want to go.
00:32:26What?
00:32:28I want to stay.
00:32:29I don't think you understand it's over.
00:32:32I don't want to go yet.
00:32:35I think he's lost the fucking plot.
00:32:36No, no, maybe you guys could still make some money out of this thing.
00:32:39Yeah?
00:32:40Really? How?
00:32:40Nor be ballistic to the plan.
00:32:42Put the ransom out to someone else.
00:32:43The general public or the police or something.
00:32:45What, and you think they'd pay?
00:32:47If they thought they'd save my life, yeah.
00:32:50Well, it didn't exactly work out with your wife, did it?
00:32:52Sorry, mate.
00:32:53Okay, I'll pay.
00:32:54100,000, I'll do it.
00:32:55Just let me stay a bit longer.
00:32:57You're going to pay a hundred thousand pounds for us to keep doing this.
00:33:01No, no, no.
00:33:03Why would you do that?
00:33:04No.
00:33:05I have my reasons.
00:33:06Yeah, well, I want to know them.
00:33:09Okay, fine.
00:33:11We politicians have got a little saying.
00:33:13Never waste a crisis.
00:33:15You heard him.
00:33:15Nearly two million views.
00:33:16Yeah, and it's four million.
00:33:17Oh, so that's doubled in like ten minutes.
00:33:19Fuck me, four million.
00:33:20Hang on, hang on.
00:33:21You want to do this to raise your profile.
00:33:23You can judge me all you like, sweetheart.
00:33:25I know a lot of politicians who'd pay through the roof for this kind of PR.
00:33:29It's going to give me an edge.
00:33:30A story.
00:33:31I've been waiting for something like this my whole fucking career.
00:33:33Yeah, well, we didn't do this to push your career, so...
00:33:35200k?
00:33:36And you've got yourself a deal.
00:33:38You greedy little bitch.
00:33:40It's a big risk.
00:33:41How do we know you're not going to double cross us?
00:33:43Which is exactly why we shouldn't do it.
00:33:44Why would I double cross you?
00:33:46I told you.
00:33:46I want this.
00:33:47You'll be doing me a favour.
00:33:50Look, my accountant is a dodgy fucker.
00:33:52If I tell him to transfer 100,000 in Bitcoin, it's done.
00:33:55No questions asked.
00:33:56You mean 200 grand.
00:34:00Okay, fine.
00:34:01200.
00:34:01But for that, we stay here until I say so.
00:34:04I want to milk this for every fucking penny.
00:34:07Fine.
00:34:09Deal?
00:34:10I said fine, didn't I?
00:34:11We stay here until I say so.
00:34:13Yes, until you say so.
00:34:16I can't believe you just did that.
00:34:21It's fine.
00:34:22Don't worry, I'll speak to him.
00:34:27What the fuck are you doing?
00:34:29I need to, mate.
00:34:30I don't think that's a good idea.
00:34:31Okay, safe.
00:34:33Now...
00:34:33What is your problem?
00:34:36You just agreed the deal with our hostage,
00:34:38even though we decided to let him go.
00:34:39Yeah, and I got us double the money,
00:34:41so some crotchie'd be nice.
00:34:43Have you been taking your meds?
00:34:45What's that got to do with anything?
00:34:47Have you been taking them?
00:34:48I don't fucking need meds!
00:34:50Either you have, or you haven't.
00:34:53I ran out, okay?
00:34:54When?
00:34:56Why didn't you get some more?
00:34:57When exactly would I have had time to get some more?
00:35:00We've been pretty fucking busy.
00:35:02You know what?
00:35:02For a clever person, Brian,
00:35:03you can be really stupid sometimes.
00:35:05At least that explains why you're being so horrible.
00:35:07You're not being yourself.
00:35:09Maybe I am.
00:35:10Have you ever considered that?
00:35:12That without the drugs to numb me,
00:35:13this is my true self,
00:35:14and that you just don't like the real me.
00:35:16Yeah.
00:35:18Yeah.
00:35:19Maybe I don't.
00:36:03I'm sorry.
00:36:13You don't have to take me up again.
00:36:14on the compass now. We're in this together.
00:36:18I'm not taking any risks.
00:36:21Where'd the lover boy go?
00:36:23He seemed very upset.
00:36:25He's distressed.
00:36:27We all are.
00:36:30You seem OK, all things considered.
00:36:34Yeah, well, I've been around the block a few times.
00:36:37He hasn't.
00:36:39How did you convince him to do this?
00:36:41Why do you assume that it was me who had to convince him?
00:36:44Come on.
00:36:49You do make rather an odd couple.
00:36:51Your wife wants you dead. I don't really think you're in a position to judge.
00:36:55I'm just saying I'm surprised you're with someone like him, that's all.
00:36:58You're clearly very driven, very ambitious.
00:37:01You've got fire in your belly.
00:37:03Him, on the other hand, just a bit pathetic, really.
00:37:07I need to be a dick.
00:37:09Dick.
00:37:14You should take that off, if it's bothering you.
00:37:17Yeah, right.
00:37:19Why not?
00:37:20I know who you are now.
00:37:22What, just because he said my name earlier?
00:37:25It can't be that difficult to work out.
00:37:26How many Maggie's do you think work in that hotel?
00:37:31All right, well, there's no need to be a dick, lad.
00:37:33Excuse me?
00:37:34I'll get you your fucking brain.
00:37:37Can you believe that?
00:37:38I'm not happy, Richard.
00:37:39No, neither am I.
00:37:40How dare she speak to me like that?
00:37:42I mean, this wouldn't happen in London.
00:37:43I'm not talking about the fucking food.
00:37:43This whole trip's been a fucking farce.
00:37:45I'm talking about the fucking food.
00:37:45I'm talking about us.
00:37:47Excuse me.
00:37:49That waitress of yours.
00:37:50Ah, yes.
00:37:51She's vile.
00:37:53I am so sorry.
00:37:55No, no, no.
00:37:55Not only did she make a massive error with her order,
00:37:57she spoke to me as if it was my fault.
00:37:59That will not happen again, I promise.
00:38:01I should hope not.
00:38:03And the, um, wine is on us.
00:38:06No, no, no, you don't have to do that.
00:38:07No, I insist.
00:38:09Maybe another bottle,
00:38:10since we're going to have to wait longer for the food, no?
00:38:13Yes.
00:38:14Yes, thank you, OK, thank you.
00:38:16Maggie, work, please.
00:38:18I don't know what he's told.
00:38:21I want a divorce.
00:38:23What?
00:38:24Where the fuck did that come from?
00:38:25Don't act so surprised, Richard.
00:38:27You know I've not been happy.
00:38:29Honeybun, listen,
00:38:29if this is about me not being entirely faithful,
00:38:32I thought we talked about this.
00:38:34It's all in the past.
00:38:35You stuck your penis into the nanny two weeks ago.
00:38:38Yes, I know, but in the past.
00:38:40Lindsay, darling,
00:38:41I know I've made the occasional mistake.
00:38:43Occasional?
00:38:44Try five, six, however many it is.
00:38:47Please, please, darling.
00:38:48I know I don't deserve you.
00:38:50No, you don't.
00:38:51Don't do this now.
00:38:52Not here.
00:38:54I'm an absolute arse, I know.
00:38:57It's this bloody job, Linz,
00:38:59the pressure.
00:39:00I can't get a sniff from the PM.
00:39:02I'm not in the circle.
00:39:04I think the reason I've strayed
00:39:05is that I just feel...
00:39:08I feel insecure.
00:39:10There, I've said it.
00:39:12And I'm not saying that makes it OK.
00:39:13It doesn't.
00:39:13It's disgusting behaviour.
00:39:15And I don't blame you for wanting to leave me,
00:39:17but for what it's worth, Lindsay, darling,
00:39:20I swear on mommy's life I went to it again.
00:39:24Please stick by me.
00:39:26If we don't stick together,
00:39:27we'll never make it to number ten,
00:39:28and that's what this has all been about.
00:39:30I think everything will be...
00:39:31It'll stop then.
00:39:33Come on.
00:39:37No, I can't do this right now, Richard.
00:39:40Where are you going?
00:39:41Upstairs.
00:39:41I need to think.
00:39:42About what?
00:39:44Everything.
00:39:46Fuck's sake.
00:39:52Everything right, sir?
00:39:53Yeah, just lovely, thanks.
00:39:54Actually, I need to get out of here.
00:39:56Any decent boozers close by?
00:39:57The naughty otter?
00:40:14Funny.
00:40:15I don't remember you being so attractive.
00:40:20What?
00:40:20You don't like compliments?
00:40:23I think you're suffering from Stockholm Syndrome, mate.
00:40:29So all of this, because I got you fired?
00:40:32Idiot.
00:40:34Well, what then?
00:40:36We're both struggling, OK?
00:40:37It's not something I expect you to understand.
00:40:40You don't look like you're struggling.
00:40:42This?
00:40:43It's an Airbnb.
00:40:44But you hired an Airbnb for kidnapping.
00:40:46What's your getaway, an Uber?
00:40:49Yeah.
00:40:50Kind of.
00:40:55I'm not.
00:41:05No.
00:41:06No.
00:41:07No.
00:41:07No.
00:41:07Of course not.
00:41:08It's morally wrong.
00:41:10We don't kidnap it.
00:41:11It's ridiculous.
00:41:12I don't have to say this.
00:41:13We don't kidnap our elected politicians.
00:41:17This may surprise you, but I've had my fair share of tough experiences.
00:41:22But really, what happened? Did your cleaner cancel on you?
00:41:26I was bullied throughout school.
00:41:28You were bullied? What, did you refuse to come on a hobnob?
00:41:32Why is it that everyone assumes if you went to boarding a school, you communally masturbated onto a biscuit?
00:41:38So what then?
00:41:39My name, okay?
00:41:42My entire childhood was ruined because of my stupid name.
00:41:46What's wrong with your name?
00:41:48Richard Hardy? What do you call me for short?
00:41:52Dick.
00:41:55Dick Hardy. Hard Dick. Not so hard dick.
00:42:00Where's Dick Hardy?
00:42:02No wonder you turned out to be this guy.
00:42:09I'm sorry.
00:42:14I'm sorry.
00:42:16I'm sorry.
00:42:23I'm sorry.
00:42:26I'm sorry.
00:42:30I'm sorry.
00:42:31I'm sorry.
00:42:32I'm sorry.
00:42:33I'm sorry.
00:42:33I'm sorry.
00:42:34I'm sorry.
00:42:36I'm sorry.
00:42:38I'm sorry.
00:42:39I'm sorry.
00:42:39I'm sorry.
00:42:44So how many hits are we on now?
00:42:46It's not the early noughties, Dick.
00:42:48No one says hits anymore.
00:42:50Oh, my God.
00:42:51What?
00:42:52Nearly seven million.
00:42:54Seven million?
00:42:57Oh, God, you do not want to hear these comments.
00:43:00Why? What are people saying?
00:43:02I hope they break both his arms and legs
00:43:04so that when he tries to claim disability benefits,
00:43:06he finds out that there aren't any
00:43:08because the cum-sucking shit-fucker cut them all.
00:43:12OK, OK, you don't need to read any more.
00:43:13Dick Hardy had this coming.
00:43:15I hope they rape the shit out of him.
00:43:17Jesus Christ, are people really that sick?
00:43:19Yeah, yeah, it's called the internet.
00:43:26Do you really think this plan's going to work?
00:43:30It's already working.
00:43:32But people hate you.
00:43:33Tell me, who's our Prime Minister?
00:43:36What, so you're saying it's good to be hated?
00:43:38I'm saying there's no such thing as bad press.
00:43:40Not in this day and age.
00:43:42You probably wouldn't understand,
00:43:43but it's increasingly difficult to cut through the noise,
00:43:46to be heard, to stand out.
00:43:48Oh, my God, tell me about it.
00:43:49It's a fucking nightmare.
00:43:50It's all about how many Instagram followers you've got.
00:43:52It's not about talent anymore.
00:43:54No-one cares about talent.
00:43:56If you want to get somewhere, you've got to have a thing,
00:43:58a story, something people haven't seen before.
00:44:00Yeah, yeah, yeah, and they say that they want more diversity in women,
00:44:02but it's always the white, posh boys who get all the roles.
00:44:05What?
00:44:07What?
00:44:11Should we make another one?
00:44:13What do you mean?
00:44:14Another hostage tape.
00:44:15Give the fuckers what they really want.
00:44:18Well, it sounds like they want you to suffer.
00:44:21So make me suffer.
00:44:22Oh, my God.
00:44:57So what do you think?
00:45:00Honestly, I'm over the moon.
00:45:02Really?
00:45:03Yeah.
00:45:04Yeah.
00:45:05I've always wanted kids.
00:45:08And look, I know that we haven't been together long,
00:45:10and we haven't got a ton of money.
00:45:11Yeah, we've got no money.
00:45:13But we'll make it work.
00:45:14I'll make it work.
00:45:16I'll start that computer course, you know,
00:45:18as soon as I get the money.
00:45:21And what about you?
00:45:22You want to keep it?
00:45:23Yeah.
00:45:24Yeah.
00:45:24I just, you know,
00:45:26I wasn't planning on doing this just yet.
00:45:28Still got stuff I want to do with my life, you know?
00:45:32All right, so you may have to put things on hold for, what,
00:45:35a year or two?
00:45:36People still achieve things after they've had kids, you know?
00:45:46You're not disappointed this with me, are you?
00:45:48What?
00:45:49No.
00:45:50Of course not.
00:45:51Don't be silly.
00:45:52No, I just know that you really loved your ex, that's all.
00:45:55Yeah.
00:45:55It was never going to work out with Jay.
00:45:58And anyway, I can't think of anyone I'd rather have a kid with than you.
00:46:05You're going to be a great man.
00:46:07Shut up.
00:46:08You are.
00:46:09Dick.
00:46:14You got any ideas about baby names?
00:46:19Like Bing.
00:46:21Bing?
00:46:22Yeah.
00:46:23I want to name our kid Bing Lewis.
00:46:25As in, like, Chandler Bing?
00:46:27Bing Crosby.
00:46:29Oh, right, yeah, yeah.
00:46:30Yeah.
00:46:41I'm sorry, Bing, but the way I see it, right, is karma.
00:46:44You know, do you know what I mean?
00:46:45Like, politicians have been getting away with murder for years.
00:46:48Really?
00:46:49What, murder?
00:46:50Sending troops to an illegal war.
00:46:52Yeah, okay, fair point.
00:46:52All right, what's my motivation?
00:46:54Uh, 200,000 pounds?
00:46:56Shut up.
00:46:57I'm getting into character.
00:46:58Well, are you an actress or something?
00:47:01Well, you're a bloody actress, aren't you?
00:47:03Well, that makes sense.
00:47:04What's that supposed to mean?
00:47:05Explains why you're off your rocker.
00:47:06It's a very sexist thing to say, Dick.
00:47:08Well, if it annoys you, use it.
00:47:09Come on, hit me.
00:47:10What?
00:47:11Hit me!
00:47:12What, for real?
00:47:13Yes!
00:47:14What, like a punch or a slap or what?
00:47:16Just fucking hit me, love!
00:47:23What, what's wrong?
00:47:25It's just, it's not the same when you want me to do it.
00:47:28Okay, um, please don't hit me.
00:47:31Don't hit me, please.
00:47:32Better.
00:47:32Oh, God, please.
00:47:35I don't want to die, please.
00:47:38The longer you take to pay, the more we hurt him.
00:47:43All right, all right, for fuck's sake!
00:47:46Fucking stay in character!
00:47:47I'm in fucking character, I'm playing me, remember?
00:47:50Oh, we're going to have to do the whole thing again now, aren't we?
00:47:53I can't really fuck it up!
00:47:55You fucker!
00:47:56Oh, you bitch!
00:47:59I've done a fucking enough of this!
00:48:03Oh, yeah, okay.
00:48:04All right, what are you going to do?
00:48:18Oh, shit!
00:48:33What the fuck are you doing?
00:48:53What the fuck are you doing?
00:49:26What the fuck are you doing?
00:49:41What are you going to vote for?
00:49:42What are you going to vote for?
00:49:43What are you going to vote for?
00:49:45What are you going to vote for?
00:49:48What are you going to vote for?
00:50:26What are you going to vote for?
00:50:49What are you going to vote for?
00:51:24What are you going to vote for?
00:51:35What are you going to vote for?
00:51:46And he guessed my name.
00:51:48No thanks to you.
00:51:51What've you got there?
00:51:53I brought you a take away.
00:51:55Oh my God you're amazing.
00:52:01Alright?
00:52:04Yeah.
00:52:17I'm sorry about what I said before I went out.
00:52:20I was upset and I wasn't thinking right.
00:52:22It's okay.
00:52:24No, no, no. I want to, okay?
00:52:27What I said was horrible. Of course I love the real you.
00:52:30Look, honestly, baby, it's fine.
00:52:32Medication or not, you are amazing. I am so lucky to have you.
00:52:35I don't know about you guys, but I need a drink. Any booze in here?
00:52:38I'm just trying to have a chat with my girlfriend, if you don't mind.
00:52:40Go for it.
00:52:41You want from this?
00:52:42No, I'm all right, thanks.
00:52:46Shit!
00:52:47Who the fuck is that?
00:52:48I don't know.
00:52:51You were followed. I don't think I was.
00:52:54Well, you were.
00:52:54I really don't think I was dick.
00:52:56Cynthia?
00:52:58Fuck.
00:53:05Ah, dingo.
00:53:14Cynthia?
00:53:16It's an old woman. What does she want?
00:53:19I don't know. I can't read her thoughts.
00:53:23Cynthia? It's me, Doris.
00:53:38She's gone.
00:53:40I told you not to go out, didn't I?
00:53:42Sorry.
00:53:43That could have fucked the whole thing up.
00:53:50It's me.
00:53:50It's me.
00:53:51It's me.
00:53:51It's me.
00:53:52It's me.
00:53:52It's me.
00:53:52It's me.
00:53:52Of course you would.
00:53:53You're too stupid.
00:53:59Guys!
00:54:01We've got a problem.
00:54:02What is it?
00:54:04There's a little terrapin sniffing around the back door.
00:54:07Does he need the toilet again?
00:54:14Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Quick hide!
00:54:16Where?
00:54:16Down!
00:54:19Hello? Cynthia?
00:54:21Oh.
00:54:22Hello.
00:54:24Hello.
00:54:24You're not Cynthia.
00:54:26No. No, we're not Cynthia.
00:54:28Well, what are you doing in Cynthia's house then?
00:54:30We Airbnb'd it for the week.
00:54:32You've done what?
00:54:33We rented it.
00:54:34On Airbnb.
00:54:35On the internet.
00:54:37I don't know what you're talking about.
00:54:38Do you often let yourself into Cynthia's house?
00:54:41Cynthia likes me to water her plants while she's away.
00:54:44Anyway, I saw somebody coming in earlier.
00:54:47Yeah, that would have been my boyfriend.
00:54:48Yeah.
00:54:49So why didn't you answer the door just now?
00:54:51I rang twice.
00:54:54Well, we're just about to have a little nap, actually, so...
00:54:57Thank you for popping by.
00:54:59I might just double check with Cynthia that you are who you say you are.
00:55:05Yes.
00:55:06Give her a call.
00:55:07Tell her you met the lovely couple who were renting a house.
00:55:09What, that B&B up in the sky thing?
00:55:12Yes, that's right.
00:55:15What are you doing with that?
00:55:18I don't know. You don't need to touch that.
00:55:20This is a gun, isn't it?
00:55:22Does Cynthia know you've got a gun?
00:55:24I'll have to tell her about this, you know.
00:55:26It's not real. It's a fake gun.
00:55:28It looks real.
00:55:35Chaps, what's going on?
00:55:37I thought you said it wasn't loaded.
00:55:39Hello?
00:55:44Holy fucking gun, what happened?
00:55:46The gun went off.
00:55:48Do you think she's dead?
00:55:50Well, if she's not, she's going to have one hell of a headache.
00:55:52This is really not the time for dad jokes.
00:55:54We killed her.
00:55:56We didn't, baby.
00:55:57Look, it wasn't our fault.
00:55:58She shot herself.
00:55:59With our gun?
00:56:00Why the fuck was it loaded?
00:56:02I thought you took the bullets out.
00:56:03Why the fuck did you load her?
00:56:04Well, you fucked up to the fucking shop, didn't you?
00:56:06Left me here alone.
00:56:07I needed to feel protected.
00:56:11How the hell did you get hold of a firearm, anyway?
00:56:13I used to date a drug dealer.
00:56:14Really?
00:56:15What, that surprises you?
00:56:16Wake up an innocent old lady.
00:56:18Exactly.
00:56:18Exactly.
00:56:18She was old.
00:56:19She was way past her prime.
00:56:20She probably only had a couple of years left in her, if that.
00:56:23Okay.
00:56:23We have to hand ourselves in.
00:56:25No, baby, look.
00:56:26Look, you're not thinking straight, okay?
00:56:27I know what's happened's horrible, but we've come too far.
00:56:30Oh, she's dead.
00:56:31Your woman is dead.
00:56:32Yes, I know, and handing ourselves in is not going to change that.
00:56:34She's right.
00:56:35I mean, it's a terrible tragedy that the old lady's gone, but, you know, like when Covid hit,
00:56:39if there are going to be victims, it's better that it's OAPs.
00:56:42I mean, they've had a good inning, haven't they?
00:56:44You people.
00:56:46Just get someone to get you some water.
00:56:57Right.
00:56:59What do we do now?
00:57:00Well, you need to get rid of the body.
00:57:02The only problem is, for you, that is, is that as soon as someone finds out she's gone missing,
00:57:05they're going to want to know who rented this building last.
00:57:07It's not a problem.
00:57:09Brian created an untraceable Airbnb account.
00:57:11They can't track it back to us.
00:57:13You're pretty good with the techy stuff, aren't you?
00:57:15I've been doing a computer course.
00:57:17You should come and work for my campaign when Saul blows over.
00:57:19I'll be in France by then.
00:57:21France?
00:57:22Right, as soon as it's dark, I'm going to take her outside and bury her.
00:57:25Agreed?
00:57:25I don't think so.
00:57:27What do you mean, you don't think so?
00:57:28Well, burying bodies wasn't part of the deal, was it?
00:57:30Tell me about it, but we've got to do it.
00:57:33Look, I really don't want to get my hands dirty on this.
00:57:35Yeah, of course you don't, Eaton boy.
00:57:37But we're all in this together.
00:57:39Do you remember that one?
00:57:40It was just a slogan.
00:57:41Yeah, which means we're all involved.
00:57:44And that includes you, baby.
00:57:46Come on.
00:57:48I need a pee.
00:58:05So are we not going to talk about what just happened there?
00:58:08What's there to talk about?
00:58:10As soon as it gets dark, we're going to go outside and bury her.
00:58:12I meant what happened before that.
00:58:13My boyfriend is upstairs, nobbed.
00:58:15So now we're not going to talk about it.
00:58:16We're going to forget it ever happened.
00:58:18But it did happen.
00:58:19And it was nice, no?
00:58:21You've got some serious issues, you know that?
00:58:24Yeah.
00:58:26It was a one-off, okay?
00:58:27Get that into your thick, posh nut.
00:58:31Doesn't have to be a one-off though, does it?
00:58:33Charlie boy up there, he doesn't want to be a part of this.
00:58:35We could do this ourselves and have a bit of fun.
00:58:38You catch my drift.
00:58:39You're an actual sociopath.
00:58:43I'm a sociopath.
00:58:44Yeah.
00:58:46And I'm fucking starving, so if you don't mind.
00:59:15ORCHESTRA PLAYS
00:59:27Oh, for fuck's sake.
00:59:30Well, we're just going to have to do more digging, aren't we?
00:59:32No, fuck it, no, I've had enough.
00:59:34Let's just squeeze her in.
00:59:37Oh, man.
00:59:38Oh.
00:59:44Come on, hold on a second.
00:59:45Oh.
00:59:47Fucking hell.
00:59:49We're going to hell.
00:59:56We're going to hell and we deserve to go there.
00:59:59For fuck's sake, will you shut up?
01:00:01You're really fucking stressing me out.
01:00:04Guys, guys, quiet.
01:00:05This is not the time for a domestic, OK?
01:00:07It's him.
01:00:08He's bringing the vibe down.
01:00:10Vibe?
01:00:11Vibe?
01:00:12Vibe?
01:00:13I'm sorry, I didn't realise you wanted this to be so vibeyed.
01:00:15Do you want me to like some incense?
01:00:16Maybe bring some fucking Pink Floyd out?
01:00:18All right, OK, look, I'm sorry I said the word vibe.
01:00:21But you're being really childish.
01:00:23You're being childish.
01:00:25No, that's childish.
01:00:26Guys, that's enough, OK?
01:00:28You listen to me.
01:00:29You're both clearly harbouring resentments and you're not communicating properly, all right?
01:00:34This is the kind of thing that destroyed my marriage.
01:00:36Funny I thought it was you sleeping with other women.
01:00:39Well, that may have had something to do with this.
01:00:41It's not about me.
01:00:42It's about you two, OK?
01:00:44And this here should be cause for celebration.
01:00:47You're about to have more money than you've ever had in your lives and you're both miserable.
01:00:52So, can I suggest that you get whatever you need to off your chests now and then you can move
01:00:56on?
01:00:57I really don't think that's a good idea.
01:00:59Hold on, hold on, hold on.
01:01:00So, the shovel, whoever has the shovel gets to talk uninterrupted, OK?
01:01:05It's a little thing my therapist did with me and Lindsay and it bared some results, OK?
01:01:10Right, so you...
01:01:16I'll have you say, sir, this is a safe space.
01:01:26I just...
01:01:31I just feel like sometimes you want me to be someone that I'm not...
01:01:35I've never said that.
01:01:37He's got the shovel.
01:01:43It's like sometimes you're embarrassed of me.
01:01:49That's it.
01:01:50Oh, OK, OK, well done.
01:01:52Short, simple, but very good, very good.
01:01:54Yeah.
01:02:00Of course I'm not embarrassed of you, you idiot.
01:02:04I love you.
01:02:07Just...
01:02:08I wish you were a bit more adventurous, that's all.
01:02:10Kidnapping someone's not adventurous enough here.
01:02:12Er, hello, shovel.
01:02:19I guess I mean more ambitious.
01:02:21You're just so happy to make do all the time.
01:02:24And I'm not.
01:02:26I want to be someone.
01:02:28I want to be successful.
01:02:29I want to live life to the fullest.
01:02:34Right, I think ambition is overrated.
01:02:37Look at you now, OK?
01:02:40You've been dreaming of being successful and famous,
01:02:43and it seems to bring you nothing but pain.
01:02:48And I think that's why you probably started on the antidepressants.
01:02:53Because what's so wrong with just being a person, you know?
01:02:59Being anonymous.
01:03:05And I sometimes think that you were happy that we lost the baby.
01:03:07Where the fuck did that come from?
01:03:09Look, you weren't very excited when we got pregnant,
01:03:12and you showed no emotion when you miscarried.
01:03:14I think I was more upset.
01:03:16How the fuck can you say that to me?
01:03:20Like, look at me,
01:03:22and tell me that you wanted a kid with me.
01:03:31I wanted...
01:03:32It was too late.
01:03:36Fucking hell.
01:03:39I think that went quite well.
01:03:42You fucking arsehole.
01:03:44What?
01:03:45I know what you were doing.
01:04:00I just hope it all works out for us.
01:04:04You still annoyed with me?
01:04:10I was trying to help you guys.
01:04:39I was trying to help you guys.
01:04:45Imagine who called me.
01:04:47I know.
01:04:49I see.
01:05:06I'm trying to help you guys.
01:05:13I mean, how am I meant to feel, right?
01:05:15You told me on our second date that you've always been attracted to bad boys.
01:05:18Yeah, as in I was finally happy to meet someone nice.
01:05:20I thought you didn't like me being nice.
01:05:25Where are you going?
01:05:26One of us has got away money for rent, haven't we?
01:05:44Oh.
01:06:23I'm just wondering if there's somewhere else I could go.
01:06:26Keep the noise down.
01:06:27Are you busy now?
01:06:27Keep the noise down.
01:06:55It's open!
01:06:56It's open!
01:06:57It's open!
01:07:00Fucking car, yeah?
01:07:03Yeah.
01:07:04Yeah.
01:07:08Listen, if you could just put your seatbelt on.
01:07:10Just fucking drive!
01:07:12Yeah, look, I know that it's a pain, but, you know, it's better safe than...
01:07:33You stopped sulking, yeah?
01:07:36Come outside, now.
01:07:51What's going on?
01:07:53Somebody wants to say hi.
01:07:59Who is it?
01:08:03Is he alright?
01:08:04Look properly.
01:08:10Fuck off.
01:08:11Yeah.
01:08:13I'm a very drunk passenger.
01:08:16Why did you bring him here?
01:08:18Well, I thought about what you were saying about, you know, us being victims, and I just...
01:08:23I just thought, fuck it, you know?
01:08:26Let's take control, let's make some money.
01:08:29I'm talking about kidnapping him.
01:08:31I know what you're talking about, Brian.
01:08:32Yeah.
01:08:33I'm just...
01:08:33I'm so...
01:08:34Pissed off?
01:08:35Flattered.
01:08:37It's the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for me.
01:08:40Is it?
01:08:41Oh, yeah.
01:08:41Oh.
01:08:43Jesus, Brian, I didn't think you had it in you.
01:08:46Me neither, to be fair.
01:08:48Right, how much do we ask for?
01:08:52Doesn't matter, we can figure it out later.
01:08:53Right, first things first.
01:08:55We need a gun.
01:08:56A gun?
01:08:57No.
01:08:57No, no, no.
01:08:58We don't need to take it that far.
01:08:59Bibi, we can't threaten his life with our fists.
01:09:01Yeah, yeah, yeah, but this isn't America.
01:09:03Like, you know, you can't just walk into a corner shop and ask for a handgun and a whisper.
01:09:07You need to know someone.
01:09:08You need to know a criminal or a gangster.
01:09:10No.
01:09:11No, no, no, no, no, no.
01:09:12Bibi, please, come on.
01:09:13Don't be like that.
01:09:15Don't want to, I don't want to involve your ex.
01:09:17I'll tell him it's for a fringe play or something.
01:09:20It's an amazing thing for us.
01:09:22We can't do this without a gun.
01:09:26Please.
01:09:27Bibi, please.
01:09:28Please.
01:09:29Please.
01:09:32Yes.
01:09:33Yes.
01:09:34I'm so happy.
01:09:39After we do this, we can do whatever we want.
01:09:41We can go wherever we want to go.
01:09:43As long as it's just you and me, I don't care what we do.
01:09:47I love you so much, Bibi.
01:09:49It's okay.
01:10:23It's absolutely horrific what's happened.
01:10:25I, um, have spoken to his wife and she is, as you can imagine, completely distraught.
01:10:32Yeah, right.
01:10:33There's been an overwhelming response of love and support for Richard.
01:10:36Um, I've actually spoken to the President of the United States of America.
01:10:41Okay?
01:10:41And I spoke to him, you know.
01:10:43And it's, it's, it's amazing the level of interest from people that we've had on this.
01:10:48I mean, Richard wasn't really that well-known on an international level.
01:10:52But now...
01:10:59Dermot?
01:11:00It's Richard.
01:11:02Yeah.
01:11:02No, no, no, no.
01:11:03Stop, stop, stop.
01:11:04Listen.
01:11:04I'm fine.
01:11:04I'm safe and well.
01:11:05Trust me.
01:11:06Listen very carefully.
01:11:08Two things.
01:11:08You cannot tell anyone you've heard from me.
01:11:11You promise?
01:11:19Things are gonna get very busy for us.
01:11:22Okay.
01:11:23Remember, not a soul.
01:11:25Bye.
01:11:32This is actually happening, Ricardo.
01:11:36Ladies and gentlemen, the Prime Minister, Richard Hardline Hardy.
01:11:43Here.
01:11:47A couple from Northumberland have claimed they own the house in which Richard Hardy is being held captive.
01:11:53Our reporter spoke with a retired couple currently holidaying in Portugal.
01:11:57And the hostage video came on.
01:12:00And I said to Cynthia, Cynthia, you know that looks just like our living room, doesn't it?
01:12:05And she knew right away that it was our house.
01:12:07Didn't she, dear?
01:12:08Oh, I did.
01:12:09Straight away.
01:12:11We've not rented it out before so long.
01:12:29Hey.
01:12:31Do you want the good news or the bad news?
01:12:35Bad news is we don't have an excuse to be together anymore.
01:12:39What are you talking about?
01:12:41I've transferred the money.
01:12:43What?
01:12:45Yeah.
01:12:46200,000.
01:12:46Just got off the phone to my accountant who's putting it into Brian's Bitcoin account as we speak.
01:12:51Oh, my God. Are you serious? It's done?
01:12:53Yeah.
01:12:54Oh, my God. Thank you. Thank you so much.
01:12:58So, do I get to see you again?
01:13:00Dick, come on. What happened was...
01:13:02Amazing.
01:13:03...a mistake.
01:13:05Come on, you're not really going to go off with him, are you?
01:13:15Yeah, I am.
01:13:17I am.
01:13:19Heavy shower for the North West.
01:13:21As well as Southern Scotland.
01:13:23That's for the West of Scotland.
01:13:34God, don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about.
01:13:37He's so not you.
01:13:38You want a man who's not afraid to get what he wants.
01:13:41Yeah, you're starting to sound a little bit rapey now, Richard.
01:13:44That's not fair.
01:13:52What exactly do you think would happen between me and you?
01:13:55We barely know each other.
01:13:57We're the same, you and I.
01:13:59Fucking hope not.
01:14:00We won't settle for mediocre.
01:14:02You've got the eye of the tiger.
01:14:04Killer instinct.
01:14:05Just like I do.
01:14:13Oh, my God.
01:14:17Come on, you sexy, impulsive, working class from up north.
01:14:23That could be really good for me.
01:14:26Listen, you fucking mentalist.
01:14:29Yeah.
01:14:31We are going to tidy up.
01:14:34And then we're going to leave.
01:14:36And then we're never going to see each other.
01:14:38And we'll speak to each other again.
01:14:42Do you understand me?
01:14:57Baby.
01:14:58Great news.
01:15:00We got the money.
01:15:03Are you listening?
01:15:04Yeah, we got the money.
01:15:06Yeah.
01:15:07200k.
01:15:07He's transferred it into your account.
01:15:10We fucking did it, baby!
01:15:11We fucking did it!
01:15:16Aren't you happy?
01:15:18I just...
01:15:19Look, okay.
01:15:21Google, flights to France, and then we need to get the fuck out of here, okay?
01:15:26Yeah!
01:15:35God, you're good.
01:15:37You tell me...
01:15:39Are you...
01:15:40Are you...
01:15:44Are you...
01:15:45Are you...
01:15:46Are you...
01:15:47Are you...
01:15:48Are you...
01:15:48Are you...
01:15:54are you...
01:16:18It's okay, it's fine, it's fine.
01:16:33So, you guys, riding off into the sunset, huh?
01:16:38Come on, come on, chop chop, we need to get the fuck out of here.
01:16:41I'm just a bit sad it's all over, really. I know that sounds crazy.
01:16:44Fucking hell. Boo-boo, if you check the kitchen.
01:16:48Brian, come on.
01:16:50This whole thing has kind of given me a new understanding of life.
01:16:53Okay, we're going to drop you off somewhere no-one can see us and then we're going to call the
01:16:56police and we're going to tell them where you are.
01:17:09Clearly it wasn't right between Lindsay and I. She didn't give me what I needed or what I deserved.
01:17:15Good, you've got the gun. Give it here.
01:17:19Earth to Brian.
01:17:22Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
01:17:24Is there something you want to tell me, Maggie?
01:17:26What's got into you?
01:17:30Boo-boo, please.
01:17:31Don't boo-boo me! You don't get to boo-boo me anymore!
01:17:39Look, it's not what you think.
01:17:41So that's not you and Hardy, fucking...
01:17:43Where the fuck do you think you're going?
01:17:46Right.
01:17:47You, sit down.
01:17:49What do you mean?
01:17:51Sit down!
01:17:52You, on this chair, now.
01:17:56I'm down.
01:17:57Sit the fuck down.
01:17:58Don't fucking tell me what to do.
01:18:07It's so hard to make you happy, Maggie.
01:18:10So hard.
01:18:11This is what you do to me.
01:18:13I'm sorry.
01:18:14You have to believe me.
01:18:15Guys, do you really need me here for this?
01:18:17Shut up, Hardy!
01:18:20Do you know...
01:18:22I used to think maybe I was delusional
01:18:26for thinking that you love me.
01:18:29But now I realise you're the delusional one
01:18:31for staying with me all this time.
01:18:34Because you never loved me, did you?
01:18:36Of course I loved you.
01:18:36You liar!
01:18:37You liar!
01:18:38You fucking liar!
01:18:39Having some sort of breakdown, Brian?
01:18:42You're lying to yourself, Maggie.
01:18:45Lying to yourself.
01:18:46Because I'm not your type.
01:18:49I'm nice.
01:18:51Remember?
01:18:52I'm nice.
01:18:53I'm so fucking nice.
01:18:55And we all know that you don't like nice.
01:18:57You like bad boy.
01:18:57You like excitement and danger.
01:19:01And success and fame.
01:19:05Well, if that's what madam wants,
01:19:07then that's what madam gets.
01:19:10Wait, baby, baby, what are you doing?
01:19:12Well, I assure you don't mind.
01:19:14Sex tape's good for the old acting career, isn't it?
01:19:17I mean, yeah, it can be, but I...
01:19:18but not so useful for politicians, eh, dicky?
01:19:23No, no, no, please don't do that.
01:19:25Baby, please, please, if that goes online,
01:19:27people are going to know that I was involved in this.
01:19:28Yeah, shame, huh?
01:19:31Oh, one more thing, dick.
01:19:34What?
01:19:37That's fucking my girlfriend.
01:19:42My dick!
01:19:43Baby, please, please, please, listen to me.
01:19:46You don't know what you're doing.
01:19:47I know exactly what I'm doing.
01:19:49I'm leaving you.
01:19:51Bye, Maggie.
01:19:53Please, please, I love you.
01:19:56I'm sorry.
01:19:59Brian, you fucking loser!
01:20:15Calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, for fuck's sake.
01:20:22Come on, we can still get to it.
01:20:25Help me, will you?
01:20:27I've just been shot in the fucking dick.
01:20:29You can worry about that later.
01:20:50You fucking fucked us.
01:20:54Oh,�!
01:21:09Come on!
01:21:11She's!
01:21:12She's!
01:21:22On three! On three! One, two, three!
01:21:56Oh shit!
01:22:07Come on! Fucking move!
01:22:12Is there anyone else in the house with you?
01:22:16No, it's just me.
01:22:34Good afternoon everyone.
01:22:40Fitting in nicely really. I just want to thank you all for your support.
01:22:43I'm sure it's no surprise to you that I'm in there eventually.
01:22:45It's a long time coming, but here we are.
01:22:48And back, better, bolder.
01:22:53And back, better, bolder.
01:23:25CHOIR SINGS
01:23:55CHOIR SINGS
01:24:08CHOIR SINGS
01:24:09CHOIR SINGS
01:24:13CHOIR SINGS
01:24:17CHOIR SINGS
01:24:21CHOIR SINGS
01:24:22CHOIR SINGS
01:24:23CHOIR SINGS
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