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00:00The following program contains mature subject matter and coarse language. Viewer discretion is advised.
00:09This has a lot of views on social media.
00:11I know. I know. I feel betrayed, violated. I allowed myself to be vulnerable, and then that vulnerability was exploited.
00:19I'm not angry about the orgasm.
00:22You're not?
00:22No, I'm angry that she didn't tell us that it was a corporate tie-in for Glowy.
00:27That goes against my journalistic integrity and everything that I believe in.
00:31No, the orgasm was fantastic, actually. Really pent up. Released a lot of stuff I would recommend.
00:38Oh, I didn't mean to imply that you should be ashamed of the orgasm.
00:41Amanda is relentlessly trying to pimp me out to being some sort of corporate shill.
00:45How so?
00:47Chris and I are supposed to go to a cast fest today. It's like this really prestigious industry conference.
00:54Amanda wants us to do a panel that is hosted by Glowy over my dead body. I'd rather be fired.
01:00I am not selling myself out in front of my peers.
01:06Pete, how do you feel about all this?
01:11I feel like Amanda should be here for this couple's therapy session, not me.
01:16Where are you going?
01:17I'm going to go buy a hot dog, and then I'm going to go walk around.
01:22Pete.
01:25Sorry, my thumb hit the button, and I seem to have lost the tab.
01:29We're going to listen to it again.
01:31Yes.
01:31Yeah. Nothing to be ashamed of here, though. This is some great work.
01:38I feel it all. I feel it all. I feel it all.
01:44I feel it all. I feel it all.
01:47I feel it all.
01:50Hey.
01:51Hi.
01:52You got the two-bedroom?
01:53I got the dead guy's apartment?
01:55Yeah.
01:55Oh, my God. Thank you. Thank you.
01:59Oh, sorry. I'm sorry.
02:01Yeah, they went with your application. The other ones seem to have gone missing.
02:08Yeah.
02:09So they just need first and last, and it's $6,400, and you got 10 days to get it in.
02:13So I just wanted to make sure that you are cool.
02:17Like, are you sure that you have that?
02:18Yeah, I'm sure I have it. It's fine. It's good. It's all good. You know what?
02:22You run up those horses. You put the bats in the cart, okay?
02:24Because Mama got the Kopecks. It's all good.
02:26What?
02:27Kopecks is like Russia. It means I have the money. I have the money. Don't worry about it.
02:31You just have to worry about signing your John Hancock on the dotted line, okay?
02:36Okay, but it's actually your signature that they need, so...
02:39Exactly.
02:43I was just being dramatic.
02:44Oh, okay.
02:44Like, yeah, because I thought that would be like we were in a movie. I mean, we're not in a
02:47movie.
02:47I just thought that was... I can't thank you enough. I really don't know what to say.
02:55Okay.
03:04I don't have the money.
03:06I don't have the money.
03:09I need the money. I need the money.
03:18Hi.
03:18How are you? Could I?
03:19I'm going to come in.
03:20I just want to...
03:22Um...
03:22Oh, yeah. I'll take a seat.
03:23Oh, you're staying.
03:24I was going to stay.
03:25You're going to...
03:25Yes, I am.
03:26Okay, that's great. We're all here. That's fine.
03:28What a morning. My hair look okay. It's good.
03:30I know, style is a different way to decide.
03:32I rode my bike in this morning. It's a 10-speed.
03:34I had an egg on the way. I called it a bike egg.
03:36It's very efficient. You should try it or maybe not.
03:37I don't know if you have a 10-speed...
03:39Hey, word on the street is our podcast is killing it.
03:42Woo!
03:42Yeah, that's true, isn't it?
03:43Yeah, it's the number one international...
03:46Woo!
03:47...on the wellness charts. I can hardly believe it.
03:49I just wanted to ask you something.
03:50I just have a heck of a time getting in this morning.
03:52I had my pant leg caught in a bike chain,
03:53so I had to put this little maroon number on.
03:55How'd you get in? You didn't take your bike.
03:56You took a car, but wouldn't eat an egg in that.
03:57I bet you didn't.
03:58You can come in the bike with me one time.
03:59I'll put you in the back. We could both eat an egg.
04:01You probably wouldn't want to do that.
04:02Did you see the rainbow on the way in? Can I have a raise?
04:06You are not up for contract negotiation for three years.
04:10I know. I just thought because the...
04:11Oh, that you might get a cut.
04:13It doesn't work like that.
04:17Um...
04:21Just having a little bit of a cash flow problem.
04:24It's no biggie. You know what? I don't even know.
04:26I actually have it figured out.
04:27I just thought I've got it all figured out.
04:28Chris?
04:29Yeah?
04:30How much money do you need?
04:32I mean, I haven't really done the math on, like,
04:34one, two, three, five thousand exactly.
04:37Wish I could help.
04:40Oh, hold on.
04:42Uh, totally slipped my mind.
04:45Evan, how could you let me forget?
04:48Oh.
04:49The glowy panel for cast vest that I told you about.
04:53The one that Julie said no to?
04:54No, over, over.
04:55No, other side.
04:56Watch her head.
04:57Yes.
04:58But I forgot to mention that if Small Achievable Goals
05:02speaks on their panel while wearing some of their promotional swag...
05:05We're also getting you a rental car.
05:07They will pay you five thousand dollars each.
05:14I'll do it.
05:15You both have to do it.
05:21Okay, you know what, Lou?
05:22We'll just leave Julie out of it.
05:23Because I'm not sort of like a one-man band.
05:25A kind of a banjo and harmonica.
05:27I got drums on my knees.
05:28Sometimes there's a little monkey with cymbals.
05:29You know what?
05:29I understand.
05:30Mm-hmm.
05:31You're nervous to talk to her.
05:32It was just that if anyone could have convinced her, it'd be you.
05:37And I really wanted to help with your money situation.
05:39But, uh...
05:41Oh, well.
05:43I'll talk to her.
05:47Oh, uh, don't forget the swag.
05:51Open.
05:57Oh, wow.
05:58Oh.
06:00Mo, HR-ically speaking, if someone were to tell a lie...
06:05Accidentally, of course.
06:07And it kind of snowballed into a work thing, how would you...
06:10How would you get out of it?
06:12As Marcus Aurelius once said...
06:13Kind of time-sensitive here, Mo, so if you could just...
06:15Yep, gotcha.
06:16Okay, what's the lie?
06:17Confidential.
06:18You just give me worst-case scenario.
06:20Okay.
06:21Well, um, if the lie constitutes fraud, then the liar could be fired.
06:25Worst case, sued for libel.
06:29Hey, aren't you in the new Chelsea unveiling that, uh, cult show at the CastFest today?
06:34Yeah, sure.
06:34Oh, that's great, yeah.
06:35I haven't seen Amanda this excited since she got here, so good luck with that.
06:40Anything else?
06:41No.
06:43Oh, God, I can't get this.
06:44Oh, come on.
06:47You really can't wait to get out of here, can you?
06:49It's CastFest, Pete.
06:50It's two days of industry events, wall-to-wall meetings, autograph signings.
06:56It's like Las Vegas for audiophiles.
06:58Is Ira gonna be there?
07:01That was one martini-fueled night a million years ago.
07:05Ira Glass and I, just friends.
07:07Mm.
07:07Now, could you please help me get this HRT patch off?
07:10Because it's really welded on.
07:12Ow, okay, okay, be gentle.
07:14Can we please talk about the session from this morning?
07:16God, here we go.
07:17It was a waste of money.
07:19I said, like, three words.
07:21You left to get a hot dog.
07:24Can we please, please talk about this later?
07:27I'm about to be picked up for the biggest industry event of the year.
07:31I know.
07:31You talked about it for 40 minutes in therapy today.
07:34Because it is a big deal to me.
07:35Our marriage is a big deal to me.
07:38Ow!
07:39Mmm!
07:40Okay.
07:41Look, will you please put this on my back,
07:43because I am running out of space on my front.
07:45No.
07:46Do it yourself.
07:47I'm sorry.
07:49Ask Ira to do it.
07:57Thank you for picking me up,
07:59but would you mind driving a little faster?
08:01I can still feel Pete glaring at me through the window.
08:03Yeah, Julie, this is exhilarating.
08:05It's way different than driving my 10-speed.
08:08It's a little hot in here.
08:08Do you mind turning on the AC?
08:09Yeah, sure.
08:10Certainly.
08:10I know exactly how to do that.
08:11I'm gonna press this button.
08:12No, not that button.
08:12This one.
08:13Can you see the button?
08:13Just that one there.
08:15Press those buttons.
08:15Is it this button?
08:16Do you feel?
08:16Do you feel anything?
08:17Feel anything?
08:18I just wanna get to cast fest, you know?
08:20And be with people who get me, like Ira.
08:22I cannot wait to bitch to him about Amanda.
08:24Our audience trusts us, and she's gonna flush that trust down the toilet.
08:29Hey, what's in the box?
08:30Oh, well, it's funny you should bring that up, because I wanted to tell you something, Julie.
08:34In my box is my indoor shoes.
08:36It's my indoor shoes, and a couple of turkey sandwiches, some pliers, and some folders for the boots.
08:42Hmm.
08:43I can't.
08:44What?
08:45Nothing.
08:46I just...
08:47That's okay.
08:47I gotta make one stop.
08:48It's just one stop.
08:49No, no, we're almost there.
08:50Julie, it will be better for both of us.
08:51Trust me.
08:51It will be.
08:52It's fine.
08:59Have you ever vomited and then wanted to eat it because you felt so bad?
09:02No, I'm not a terrier.
09:04Okay.
09:13Hey, Chris!
09:15Hey!
09:15How you doing?
09:16Hey, how you doing?
09:18Uh-oh, what's wrong?
09:19What do you mean, what's wrong?
09:19Well, I know any time you do the funds, hey, I assume something's up.
09:24Nothing's going.
09:24How are you?
09:25You doing okay?
09:26I'm doing really good, yeah.
09:27Hey, Saffron tells me that you're moving.
09:28You got a two-bedroom.
09:29That's awesome.
09:30I did.
09:31I got an old two-bedroom.
09:32It's just, you know...
09:33It's a lot, isn't it?
09:34You know, like with the movers and the packing and then blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
09:38And then it's the unpacking.
09:39And duct tape and all that.
09:40Yeah, it's really expensive.
09:41Yeah.
09:42Yeah.
09:42Do you need money?
09:44What?
09:45Do I...
09:47I'm sorry, you must be talking to someone behind me.
09:48Do I need money?
09:49I don't need...
09:50No.
09:51I got a number one podcast, so I'm just...
09:53I'm doing pretty...
09:56Good.
09:56Do you need money?
09:57Because I could give you...
09:58No.
09:58No, we're good.
09:59Okay.
10:03I'm just here to give Saffron her puffer.
10:04Saffron doesn't have asthma.
10:06It's a good dad.
10:07It's her puffer jacket.
10:08I just didn't say the second half of that.
10:09I rolled it up tight.
10:10It's all tucked under my bra.
10:11I'm keeping it warm up in there.
10:12So I'm just going to go and help.
10:13I'm going to give it...
10:13Okay.
10:14I'm just going to...
10:14She's inside.
10:15Okay.
10:15Hi.
10:16You must be a mirror.
10:17I'm Julie.
10:18Yes, Julie.
10:19Pleasure to meet you.
10:20You're the Costa Rica.
10:22You saw the video.
10:24I did see the video, yeah.
10:25Hey, I wanted to ask, um...
10:28Is Chris doing okay?
10:29Like, in general or just today?
10:32Well, it's just...
10:32I've noticed that she's just not herself.
10:34I mean, whenever she comes over,
10:35she's just really scattered.
10:36Well, I mean, it works a lot right now.
10:39Our boss is kind of a nightmare.
10:40She's doing the work of four people, so...
10:42I gave her the jacket.
10:43Good.
10:43Your great begonias.
10:44Okay, let's go, Julie.
10:45Oh, yes.
10:46We're going.
10:46Okay.
10:47Here we go.
10:50I can't believe we're in this deep.
10:51What are we going to do?
10:53I don't know.
10:54But like my Grammy Halstead,
10:55a Supreme Court judge used to say...
10:57Stop lying.
10:58Never grab...
10:58Stop it.
10:59Don't.
10:59Go with your robes.
11:00Quit.
11:00Stop it.
11:01It is not helping.
11:02Okay, so, um...
11:04Positive things about telling the truth.
11:06We're both ruined.
11:08Forever.
11:09I guess that's not really a pro.
11:10It's more of a con.
11:11It is.
11:12Okay, but I like...
11:13I like where you're going, okay?
11:15More cons.
11:16Amanda will be mad at us,
11:17and I can't stand a woman who's mad at me.
11:19And we go to jail for fraud.
11:21Okay.
11:22Jail.
11:24Well, looks like we have a clear winner.
11:27Okay.
11:28Why don't we start brainstorming
11:30some different cult names?
11:31Let's come up with a formula.
11:33Okay.
11:33Yeah, exactly.
11:34Like, uh, first pet and street name.
11:36I think that's your porn star name.
11:38Mine would be Joe Louis Davenport.
11:39I've got it.
11:40Celestial body and relationship.
11:43Okay.
11:44Now we're cooking like a cult.
11:45Okay.
11:47Um...
11:47Saturn's second cousin.
11:49Pluto's stepson.
11:50Moonbeam bros.
11:51Andromeda's nephew.
11:52Gravity's gunkle.
11:55Daughters of Nebula.
11:57Oh my god, it's brilliant.
12:00Oh, Pete's left me unread.
12:05How long were you and Amir married?
12:06Oh, um...
12:08Like six years.
12:09It was good.
12:10Once it wasn't.
12:11Now it's really good again.
12:14Sometimes I miss being married.
12:16Just like sharing everything,
12:17like half the bills and half the rent,
12:19and...
12:20just half the worries.
12:21Not all marriages are split down the middle.
12:24How's Pete?
12:24How's therapy going?
12:25Oh, great.
12:26Now all he wants to do is talk about
12:27the things he used to repress.
12:29And I think our therapist likes him better.
12:31Oh.
12:32And Evan just texted to say,
12:34Amanda can't wait to see us at the glowy panel.
12:36Ugh!
12:37That woman will not take no for an answer.
12:39Julie, I have to, huh?
12:41Stop.
12:43We have to stop.
12:43Look, there's a big corn.
12:44There's a big corn!
12:45We're stopping!
12:46No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
12:46We have no time for a corn maze.
12:48Chris?
12:48Julie, we're gonna stop, yes.
12:50Oh.
12:50That is what we're gonna do.
12:51That is what I am going to do.
12:52Okay?
12:53That's what we're gonna do.
12:55You wanna piss off Amanda?
12:57Maybe.
12:58Trust me.
12:58Well, I know how to do that.
12:59We're just gonna do it like this.
13:04We're just gonna do it like this.
13:09We're just gonna do it like...
13:13Yeah!
13:14Oh, okay.
13:23Which one of these do you think we should send to Amanda to really piss her off?
13:26Oh, hold on a second.
13:27That is a really good question.
13:28I need to think about that for a second.
13:29Let me think about it.
13:30Boop, boop.
13:31Which one?
13:31Which one?
13:31Which one?
13:32You know what is really weird?
13:33That Amanda wants us to wear these on a glowy panel for $5,000 each.
13:38Are you kidding me?
13:39No.
13:40So you're telling me that she wants us to wear these?
13:43Yep.
13:44In public?
13:45Yes.
13:45For $5,000.
13:46Woo!
13:46Big money!
13:47Big money!
13:47Big money!
13:47How desperate and pathetic does that woman think we are?
13:50I mean, I just...
13:51I don't really even call this pathetic.
13:53I think that's gone a little bit too far.
13:54No, it is pathetic.
13:55I can't wait to get to Cass Fest and I am going to go straight up to her and I'm
13:58going
13:58to tell her exactly what I think of...
14:00Julie, Julie, Julie, Julie, Julie, Julie, Julie, Julie, Julie, Julie, Julie, Julie, Julie,
14:02Julie, Julie, Julie, Julie, Julie.
14:04Stop.
14:05Um, don't you think that you're being a little bit intense about glowy and sponsorship?
14:10Because one woman's meno-whiskey is another woman's light to remember.
14:17Who's having a good time?
14:19Yeah.
14:20Menopause.
14:21Chris.
14:21Yes?
14:22I am not being too intense about this.
14:24I am absolutely not.
14:25Now, get me out of this costume.
14:34Uh, guess so I...
14:37Guess so I can't.
14:38What?
14:40Well, I was thinking about it and I just thought to myself, you know what?
14:44I just don't think...
14:45I'm not gonna...
14:45I'm not gonna...
14:45I'm not gonna let you out of there.
14:47Chris?
14:48Yeah?
14:49I'm not joking around.
14:50Get me out of this costume.
14:51It's not that I don't want to let you out.
14:54It's that I can't.
14:55Chris!
14:56No!
14:56Get back!
14:57You're being ridiculous.
14:57You can't catch me.
14:58You're being ridiculous.
14:59You can't catch me.
15:00What?
15:02I will catch you eventually.
15:05Yeah!
15:05Can't we all?
15:06Into your vagina.
15:07It's not a new time if you know what I say.
15:10Just...
15:10Hold on!
15:11Hold on!
15:16Hello?
15:17Um, where's my fishing rod?
15:19A fishing rod?
15:22Uh...
15:22Oh!
15:24Uh-huh!
15:25Uh-huh!
15:26Uh-huh!
15:26Uh-huh!
15:27Sorry, Oliver.
15:27Your fishing rod?
15:29Uh...
15:29You know what?
15:29I'm not sure.
15:30Why...
15:30Why do you need that?
15:32Dad's taking me to Uncle Jeff's.
15:34Well, this is news to me.
15:36When are you going and how long are you...
15:39You know what?
15:40I'm sorry.
15:41I'm just in the middle of something, Oliver.
15:42Can you just get your dad and put him on the phone?
15:44Hello?
15:46Hello?
15:49Hello?
15:52Oh!
15:53Oh!
15:54Oh!
15:56Oh!
15:58Oh!
15:58Oh!
15:59Oh!
16:00Oh!
16:06Oh!
16:07Are you okay?
16:08No.
16:09Okay.
16:11Those are the card keys.
16:15Oh, shit.
16:15We're gonna need those.
16:16It's okay.
16:16You have a second.
16:17I'm gonna get them.
16:18I'll get them.
16:18You stay right there, Julie.
16:19Everything's gonna be okay.
16:23I used to be a respected journalist.
16:25Now, I'm trapped in a vagina costume against my will looking for keys.
16:30You know what?
16:31It's a vagina picture, actually.
16:32And, Julie, I gotta look pretty.
16:33You're looking really great.
16:35I have to say.
16:36Look at us.
16:37Look at us.
16:38Just come and get out.
16:39I'm not having fun.
16:40You know what I say?
16:41I don't say that we do the panel.
16:43We make some fast cash.
16:44We just keep the good times rolling.
16:46Well, I am not having fun.
16:47I agreed to put these costumes on to annoy Amanda.
16:49Not to sell shitty trail mix to menopausal women.
16:52Maybe you should let women make decisions for themselves and start shaming them.
16:56Oh, shame?
16:57You wanna talk shame?
16:58You tricked me into wearing a cooter costume.
17:01I didn't ask you, Julie.
17:03Cause then we wouldn't do it, okay?
17:04If we sell out to Glowy, what is even the point of small achievable goals?
17:08The point is this.
17:09It is my job.
17:10It's how we make my money and it's not enough for a two bedroom apartment.
17:13I just need more.
17:15Julie, if you stay in the costume, you do the Glowy panel, it will be enough.
17:20Oh.
17:21They're there.
17:23Julie!
17:24Are you kidding me?
17:25I'm gonna lose Saffron.
17:28I'm gonna lose my daughter.
17:30I need to get to fucking Moscow.
17:32I don't know what that means.
17:33Julie, you were my friend.
17:35I'm, like, begging you.
17:36I'm begging you.
17:37Please.
17:38Please, Julie.
17:39Please, you just gotta do this for me.
17:42Please.
17:42It goes against everything, everything, Chris, that I stand for.
17:50I'm so sorry that you have so many problems, but they're not my problems.
18:11Oh, my God, Julie, finally.
18:14What took you so long?
18:16Traffic.
18:17Okay.
18:17Well, you're not in the outfit.
18:20Nope.
18:21Amanda's gonna be very sad.
18:28Okay.
18:28Break a leg.
18:29We'll go find the bar.
18:31I'm good.
18:34Um, so I'm gonna go and have a drink with Ira while you're doing the Glowy panel, and then
18:38I will see you back at the autograph signing.
18:45Sure.
19:06I hate you, Chris.
19:12Oh, yes.
19:14Are we making a mistake?
19:17It's not too late to tell Amanda and come clean and tell her what we did.
19:20Yeah.
19:20You should tell your boss, who seems totally chill and reasonable, by the way, that you knowingly pitched a lie.
19:26Well, I didn't know it was a lie.
19:28Right, but you did have a couple opportunities to bring it up, which you didn't take, so...
19:33I'm not hireable if I get fired from this job.
19:35I dropped out of university.
19:37I'm riddled with dyslexia.
19:38I need this job.
19:39My parents are gonna be so mad at me.
19:40I think I have ADHD.
19:41I must.
19:42Oh!
19:43Look at me!
19:43Oh, my!
19:44What the...
19:45Shut up!
19:46Pull yourself together.
19:48Okay.
19:48Okay.
19:49Okay.
19:50You're right.
19:52The number one thing that breaks up crime duos is one of them turning on the other.
19:57Yeah.
19:57So you have to promise me, right here, right now, that we will never do that to each other.
20:02Do what?
20:03What we were just talking about.
20:05What were we just talking about?
20:07God, you're good.
20:11Hi.
20:12I'm Kim.
20:13Hi.
20:13I'm the Senior VP of Marketing for Glowy Worldwide.
20:16When is Julie gonna get here?
20:19Um...
20:20She's not.
20:21I'm alone.
20:21Marina.
20:22Marina.
20:23I'm here.
20:25Is this the way you got the costumes?
20:28Anyway, we're about to start.
20:32I, um, had to give myself a bit of an episiotomy to get out of this thing.
20:38Sell me up.
20:43Please give a loud and warm welcome to this year's special guest speakers, Julie Muldoon
20:51and Chris Fine.
20:53Hi, everyone.
20:55Hello.
20:56Wow.
20:56What do you think?
20:57My new business casual.
20:58Do you like it?
20:59I'm Julie.
21:00This is Chris.
21:01And we are so excited to be here tonight.
21:03But before we get started, we'd like to thank our sponsors, Glowy, without whom none of
21:10this would be possible.
21:11Hey there.
21:12I see you.
21:12Yeah.
21:14We're gonna give you everything you've ever wanted.
21:18Hang a banner with your name upon it.
21:21Pour three shots in a glass, call it a martini.
21:24All you got to do is put on this little bikini.
21:27And dance!
21:32Dance!
21:33Dance!
21:36Put on this bikini and dance, dance, dance.
21:40All you got to do is put on this little bikini.
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