00:02Guys! Yes!
00:05Aw.
00:06Baby, don't wanna touch it.
00:09How you doing?
00:10Stop! Stop!
00:20Good evening, and welcome to the new Late Night with me, Sean Evans.
00:24With me, Ziwei.
00:26With me, Shake Shane.
00:27Bowen Yang.
00:28Julian Shapiro Barnum.
00:29For me, standing here brings me feelings of great pride.
00:32Brings me feelings of great uncomfortableness.
00:37Desperation.
00:37Feelings of great despair.
00:39Great inflammation.
00:41I can remember staying up late to watch Letterman.
00:44Staying up late to watch Conan O'Brien.
00:46To watch Kermit the Fraud.
00:48Staying up late to watch The Amanda Show.
00:49Hope I can make the dancing lobsters proud.
00:52Now for a few jokes.
00:53Now for a few jokes.
00:54I talked to my therapist this week all about my IBS.
00:57All about my anxiety.
01:00All about my subway take.
01:01They said I need to call my gastroenterologist more.
01:04And they said I need to call God.
01:06I literally was told to get a God.
01:08Find a God.
01:09And I have one.
01:10Me.
01:10The Philadelphia Eagles have recently announced a no booing policy.
01:14And their punishment would be to watch videos of my own.
01:16The penalty for booing at a game is now getting stoned.
01:20Like with rocks.
01:21You are forced to eat Scrapple.
01:24Which is a beautiful Pennsylvania delicacy.
01:27Boo.
01:29We love it.
01:30The penalty for booing at a game is now you have to listen to the life of a showgirl on
01:34repeat.
01:34And even they're gonna admit it's not that bad.
01:38Many people fear that AI is going to take over their job.
01:41But one unexpected profession that experts say cannot be replicated is the tarot readers on my For You page.
01:47How they do the mustard and the oil at Jersey Mike's.
01:51How they really I mean that blend is just no machine could ever recreate that magic.
01:55Silly little guys on the internet.
01:56Making short form unscripted vertical video content.
02:01In the quest to stay young and relevant.
02:03The hottest new trend in the beauty world is to inject your face with salmon sperm.
02:09With salmon sperm.
02:10With salmon sperm.
02:11Salmon sperm.
02:12Inject your face with Moby Dick's sperm.
02:16Will I be doing this myself?
02:18No, because I'm really attractive.
02:20Will I be trying that trend out for myself?
02:22Of course, we all know I love things that come from the ocean and squirt.
02:26Now for a little bit about me.
02:28My family says my job is basically professional masochism.
02:32My family says my job is basically flirting with celebrities.
02:37Basically a Gen Z court jester.
02:40Basically Jim Carrey with boobs.
02:42Some people have mistaken me for Sean Evans.
02:46Some people have even mistaken me for Vin Diesel.
02:49Some people have mistaken me for an American Girl doll.
02:52My journey to this position wasn't always glamorous.
02:55I was once a truly terrible dresser.
02:58Thankfully, things turned around when I got a shot on Vanity Fair and got to work with a stylist.
03:03I was once truly a terrible assistant.
03:06Thankfully, things have turned around.
03:07My real I made it moment happened when Jeff Goldblum missed me for Ethan Slater.
03:13It's true.
03:14My journey to this position hasn't always been glamorous.
03:17I was once a truly terrible teen.
03:19I was once a truly terrible server.
03:22Thankfully, things turned around as you can see.
03:24My journey to this position wasn't always glamorous.
03:26Truthfully, I was once a pretty terrible waiter.
03:29My real I made it moment happened when I went back to my restaurant where I worked and completely shamed
03:34everyone there.
03:34Made them feel exactly like everyone made me feel.
03:37I was once a truly terrible man child.
03:40Thankfully, things turned around and my real I made it big moment happened when I interviewed a juggler on the
03:47subway.
03:47In TV news, Bravo is expanding their franchise and creating a brand new show called Real Housewives of Witness Protection.
03:55Fans of long overdue retribution, they're thrilled.
03:58Bravo is expanding their franchise and creating a brand new show called Real Housewives of Decatur.
04:06Fans of Chicken Alfredo, Low Exposure, and Feel Good, Taste Good are thrilled.
04:12Bravo is expanding their franchise and creating a brand new show called Real Housewives of Appalachia.
04:18Fans of Incest are thrilled.
04:20And finally, from the producers of Love is Blind, there's a new reality show that it's everyone talking where single
04:25people must slide into my DMs.
04:27They just have to, I guess.
04:29Where single people must disclose their credit score if it's below 700.
04:35There have been occasional hiccups.
04:37My most embarrassing moment in my career so far, when I farted on Olivia Dean.
04:41It's not a joke.
04:42I was at Austin City Limits.
04:44We were backstage and I let one rip.
04:46I was off the edible.
04:47She was behind me.
04:48Probably when Jenna Florence called me Phoebe.
04:52She thought my name was Phoebe.
04:53My most embarrassing moment in my career so far, when I took my clothes off and took a little bath
05:01in the Washington Square Park fountain for a couple thousand likes.
05:05Being in my position does come with perks.
05:08Like the time my family lost it because I met John Stamos.
05:11They love John Stamos.
05:12My family lost it because I met their needs.
05:15My family lost it because I met Michelle Obama.
05:18They're Democrats, but they're mostly fans of shoulders.
05:22My family lost it because I met my now ex-husband, Bowen Yang.
05:26Before every shoot, I have a serious pre-show ritual that may surprise some viewers.
05:32I have a panic attack.
05:35Then I call my mum and she is not helpful.
05:39And then I call my dad and he doesn't respond.
05:44I pop three Tums.
05:46I crank out 50 pushups.
05:47And then finally, I call my dad to tell him I love him.
05:50Just in case.
05:51I have a serious pre-show ritual.
05:54I get every part of my body squeezed by a Brazilian lymphatic drainage massage therapist.
06:01And then I go sweat it out in the sauna.
06:04And finally, I drink this mixture where I don't know what it is.
06:08I drink bleach and then I look at the nearest cliff and then I really call 911.
06:15My dating life, if I had to sum it up in one word, is dry.
06:19Single.
06:20Ridiculous.
06:21Scheduling conflict?
06:22That's two.
06:23If I had to sum it up in one word, it would be incredible.
06:28Has a celebrity guest ever asked to hang out after the show?
06:31Only George Santos.
06:33Yes.
06:34I can't tell you.
06:36Austin Butler.
06:36It was Austin Butler, all right?
06:38He wanted to hang out.
06:39I mean, define hangout.
06:42I'd say.
06:43Yeah.
06:43No.
06:44I want to go home.
06:45Take a bath.
06:46Take off my wig.
06:48Let my loins free.
06:49And if I ever get to do a big sit down interview, the one person I want interviewing me is
06:55the
06:55ghost of Joan Rivers.
06:57I miss her every day.
06:58That bitch had something wrong with her.
07:00And if I do ever get a big sit down interview, the one person I want interviewing me is Luigi
07:05Mangione.
07:05Is that how you say his name?
07:07Barbara Walters's ghost.
07:09Oprah.
07:09Oh no.
07:10Oprah.
07:10Can we get her out of retirement?
07:12If we can get Oprah, yeah.
07:13The one person I want interviewing me is Amelia DeMuldenburg.
07:17That's not because I like her very much.
07:19It's because I want chicken.
07:20The one person I want interviewing me is Z-Way.
07:24The one person I want interviewing me is myself.
07:27People often ask me who my worst guest ever has been.
07:30Well, that's easy to answer.
07:32It was .
07:33It was definitely .
07:37It was definitely .
07:38Sorry, you will bleep that, right?
07:41And cover my mouth.
07:42It's true.
07:43Now, let's start the show.
07:45Now, let's start the show.
07:47Bye, you guys.
07:48Thank you for having me.
07:49We have a great show for you tonight.
07:51Thank you for being here.
07:52Now, let's start the show.
07:54You're going to be an iconic guest.
07:57Plug.
Comments