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00:00What a night goes on!
00:02Thank you for letting them be ourselves
00:04So don't mind me if I repeat myself
00:06Be simple, not be good for your health
00:09Keep them trying when I'm scared of show
00:11Live my life like it just don't care
00:14Five thousand leaders never scared
00:16Rain the noise is the moment they fear
00:18Get up just until I'm here for my door
00:20Get up, throw your hands in the air
00:23Get up, it's showin' over here
00:25Get up, get up, get up
00:38I like the teachers left the room and never mentioned rugby league again.
00:42It's Friday, we're live and it's time for the last leg of Stand Up To Cancer.
00:48Tonight on the show, Australia gets anti-social.
00:51The US gives international travellers the finger and we continue to stand up to cancer.
00:56Plus, we'll be joined by John Richardson, AJ Adudu and Matt Ford on the show that always gives the news
01:03a helping hands.
01:12Alright, I'm Alex Booker. Welcome to the last leg of Stand Up To Cancer.
01:17The show that even more than usual feels like it's got a bit missing.
01:21With me as always is the pride of Dartmoor, Josh Whittakam.
01:23And the man who thought this day would never come, Alex Booker.
01:32So, for those of you who've only just tuned in...
01:35Look how smart we look!
01:38We look like kids that have been dressed for a wedding.
01:41Alex looks like Zelensky on his second trip to the White House.
01:48I'm going to get a good deal.
01:50So, look, for those of you who've only just tuned in, Adam's been doing the live Stand Up To Cancer
01:55show.
01:56So, I can't believe I'm saying this.
01:58But me and Josh are in charge.
02:10Oh, yeah, I'm so glad I found this magic lamp.
02:17Honestly, I just can't believe I didn't use my one wish on healing my foot.
02:22Yes, and just to be clear, if you wonder why I am moving around, this morning the production realised they'd
02:29forgotten to get a second chair.
02:31And I am on an exercise ball.
02:40So, I am sorting my abs out while we do the show.
02:44It's not exactly the Call On Me video, is it?
02:50But the man forget, I can't believe I'm actually...
02:52Well, it's unsurprisingly, but it's actually not a lot of leg room.
02:55There isn't, but...
02:56Do you want to...
02:57There is items that Hilsie keeps behind the desk, so there's this book.
03:01Shoe-hauling Rugby League into any conversation for dummies.
03:04What else have we got in there?
03:05We've got a message that he's just got for himself, which just says,
03:08You are enough.
03:10He really did love that Barbie film, didn't he?
03:12This one is the rudest.
03:15He's just got Josh and Alex with arrows.
03:20The fucking cheek of it.
03:22Well, look, so...
03:26Teachers away! Let's do this!
03:33Wow.
03:35So, look, as Adam's not here, we had to work out who was going to host this part.
03:39So, we did rock, paper, scissors backstage.
03:42But as all mine looked the same, meant I won.
03:45So, Josh, you crack on over to the sofa.
03:47I'm going to take the reins for part one.
03:50Whoa!
03:51There we are!
03:54Pressure's on, Brooker.
03:56You know what?
03:57I've had a long time to think about how I'd host this show, what I'd do.
04:01And there's one change that I've always wanted to make.
04:04So, I've got myself an Aperol spritz button.
04:06Let's have a little go of it now.
04:12I've got to get through this.
04:14I've got to get through this.
04:15I've got to make it through.
04:17I've got to make it through.
04:19Yeah, I've got to get through this.
04:20I've got to get through this.
04:22I've got to take the reins of my hand and fuck you.
04:26Woo!
04:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
04:30All right.
04:37I've got four of them.
04:38This is going to be brilliant.
04:40Feel suitably refreshed.
04:41Now, we are live on your television right now,
04:44which means you can send us any questions you'd like to ask us
04:46about the news.
04:47And given, look, that it's nearly midnight,
04:49I can imagine those questions are going to be pretty wild.
04:53Anyway, you can message us on Instagram with the hashtag
04:56IsItOK?
04:56The answer is no, it isn't.
04:58Or via WhatsApp using the number 07956175908.
05:03Or by scanning the QR code on the screen.
05:07For example, is it OK to lose your head on live TV?
05:11No, no, no.
05:11No, it isn't.
05:12Although, give me long enough in here.
05:13We'll see.
05:14Is it OK to lose your head on live TV if it's hilarious?
05:18Yes.
05:18Yes, it is.
05:19If you're our good mate, James Acaster,
05:21as proven by this incredible footage
05:23from last weekend's Saturday Kitchen.
05:27I can tell you that 54% of you want...
05:31Did you see the autocue go up there?
05:34Yeah!
05:34Tap us!
05:35Yeah!
05:36No!
06:06and his freedom pass to get here.
06:07But, Hilsey, where are you at the moment?
06:12Boys, I'm on my way to you.
06:14I'm just about to get on a bus with a tip, a ship and a giant vulva.
06:18And I'm going to be honest, it's not the first time I've said that sentence in my life.
06:22Oh, well.
06:23How's it all going back there?
06:24Are you looking after the show?
06:26Yeah, yeah, we're OK, thank you.
06:27Josh might have smashed a draw already, but other than that, we're...
06:30Yeah, we're doing all right, Hilsey.
06:32Thank you very much, yeah.
06:33We really can't wait for you to get back.
06:36You guys are keeping people to account, speaking truth to power, right?
06:41Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:42Alex has got an Aperol spritz.
06:47Oh, hey, I'm going to have to go for a number of reasons.
06:51I need to get to you, but also, it looks like I'm hosting the world's weirdest hen party.
06:56See you in a bit, Hilsey.
06:57Cheers.
06:58Let's go.
07:06Do you think he's going to make it back?
07:09I don't think he is.
07:10No.
07:11Oh, fuck it.
07:12Let's bring back the mariachis!
07:16Oh, ho!
07:20Celebrate your times, come on!
07:28Celebrate your times, come on!
07:41I'm just going to...
07:42I've just seen what the next bit I've got to read is, so I'm just going to move my Aperol
07:45spritz out of shot.
07:47Just to remind you, we are still in fundraising mode, so you can still donate to Stand Up To Cancer.
07:52Almost one in two of us will get cancer in our lifetime.
07:55Help us fight back.
07:56And to give 40, 30, 20, or 10 pounds to support Stand Up To Cancer, text 40, 30, 20, or
08:0510 to 70404,
08:07or to donate any amount online, go to channel4.com forward slash su2c.
08:13100% of the money you give will fund life-saving cancer research.
08:18Josh, you're looking lonely.
08:20I am looking lonely, yeah.
08:22Well, there's normally someone sat next to me, Brooker.
08:23I know, well, I think it's time to bring out my replacement, shall we?
08:26OK, yeah.
08:27So, he's my favourite diminutive comedian.
08:29What?
08:29A man who makes Josh look edgy.
08:31What?
08:31Please welcome John Richardson.
08:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
08:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
08:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
08:47Oh, hello.
08:49Hello, hello.
08:54John, welcome to the show.
08:56When's your dad back?
08:58LAUGHTER
08:59How does it feel being in my seat?
09:01Can you feel the banter?
09:03No, because you've taken your notes.
09:05Yeah, yeah, yeah.
09:06Sorry, man, I've got all of them over here.
09:08How's it?
09:09How's...
09:09Can you see?
09:10I've put a proper bum groove in there.
09:12There is a little groove.
09:12It's taken me, like, 13 years.
09:14Look at that.
09:14I wondered why you used to rub yourself forward and back.
09:16I thought you had worms.
09:18LAUGHTER
09:21Right, we're going to get...
09:23LAUGHTER
09:24I think there was a couple of series when I did.
09:26LAUGHTER
09:27We're going to get to the real big news of the week in a bit.
09:30But first, the big news between us was Josh's reaction to my Spotify rap.
09:35Now, here's just how impressed he was.
09:39Do you want my top five songs?
09:41OK, hit me.
09:42Number five, I want it that way.
09:45LAUGHTER
09:45Absolute banger.
09:47Yep.
09:48Number four, if you're getting down, by five.
09:53LAUGHTER
09:54LAUGHTER
09:54I don't know if I can get out.
09:56Number...
09:57Number three...
09:59Keep on moving, by five.
10:07I just realised how I'm saying these are.
10:10This is no lie, by the way.
10:11It's just genuinely...
10:12I don't know if I can get out of my way around.
10:13Number two, flied without wings.
10:16LAUGHTER
10:16Oh, my God.
10:18LAUGHTER
10:21LAUGHTER
10:21Are you ready for number one?
10:22No.
10:23My most listened to song, 20, 25.
10:27Can you feel the love tonight?
10:29LAUGHTER
10:30Oh, my God.
10:32LAUGHTER
10:35See you next year.
10:38LAUGHTER
10:42Just five absolute bangers, mainly involving five.
10:47What's your beef with them?
10:48It's the line-up to the 2003 Smash It's poll-winner's party.
10:52LAUGHTER
10:52Have you chosen flying without wings
10:54because you think it's a disability?
10:57John, look, what did you make of it?
10:59I thought it was all right.
11:00I'm not saying this for the show.
11:01I think you need fucking help.
11:03LAUGHTER
11:08I think it's pathetic.
11:10LAUGHTER
11:10You think it's pathetic?
11:12I think it's pathetic.
11:13Yeah.
11:13As do I think it's pathetic.
11:15You had your chance to do anything at the start of the show
11:17and the naughtiest thing you could think of
11:18was putting on a feather bow and letting off a party pop.
11:22LAUGHTER
11:23Both of those have stopped me getting my pip.
11:34It wasn't just you both who thought it was pathetic.
11:38Somebody commented, I love this,
11:40he seems OK that he will never be cool.
11:43That's fair.
11:44Can I also say on that,
11:46can you feel the love tonight,
11:48we're all thinking it,
11:50that, we know why you're putting that on.
11:53Oh.
11:53Come on, that's your shagging song, isn't it?
11:56LAUGHTER
11:57No, it goes on for ages.
11:59LAUGHTER
11:59I'm a 21-seconds fan.
12:03LAUGHTER
12:04LAUGHTER
12:06APPLAUSE
12:07My, uh, this is...
12:09My other favourite comment on the Instagram post
12:13was someone saying that I must have a sign in my kitchen
12:16that says, live, laugh, love.
12:18LAUGHTER
12:19I don't doubt it, Brooker, I don't doubt it.
12:21I actually, I don't, I don't have that.
12:23I have one that says, be careful of sharp knives,
12:25which in hindsight, was too little too late.
12:28LAUGHTER
12:29But look, going to my spot, like, this Spotify rep,
12:31you properly, you've mugged it off.
12:33I've never mugged anyone off, Brooker.
12:35Well, you've not been happy with it.
12:37Yeah.
12:38But you mentioned last week
12:39that, like, four of your top five songs
12:42were Sabrina Carpenter, you little pervert.
12:45LAUGHTER
12:46And she's the greatest songwriter of her generation, incredible.
12:49And you've never watched any of the videos on the Spotify?
12:51You don't get the videos on Spotify.
12:53Not that I'd know, cos I haven't looked.
12:55LAUGHTER
12:58LAUGHTER
12:58And John, what sort of music taste have you got, then?
13:01Er, terrible.
13:02But I think, I would say in favour of your Spotify,
13:05cos no-one's getting paid from Spotify,
13:06the artists don't get any money.
13:07At least you've picked people who aren't together anymore,
13:09who aren't performing.
13:10So, they're not going to miss the money
13:12cos they've fucking retired 20 years ago.
13:14LAUGHTER
13:14Oh, Westlife are performing next year, man.
13:16Are they?
13:17Going to see them.
13:18How did I not know?
13:20LAUGHTER
13:22Look, I bet I don't think so.
13:23So, like, what sort of thing are you in...
13:26What are you into, though?
13:27Er, well, it's my daughter that uses my Spotify,
13:30so, erm, that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.
13:33LAUGHTER
13:33Can I...
13:34Can I revert to that excuse for mine as well?
13:37Yeah, right.
13:38LAUGHTER
13:38But, look, I stand by my music selection so much,
13:42I've decided to change Heels' buttons
13:43as a little treat for him for when he get back.
13:46So, let's have a little go.
13:47This is the first button.
13:49Tell me why he ain't nothing but a party.
13:54Honestly, he's going to love it when he...
13:56When he tries to make a political comment
13:58and punctuate with this.
14:00LAUGHTER
14:02LAUGHTER
14:07I'm ready for the next parallel.
14:08Olympics.
14:10You know how much that means
14:12You found that special thing
14:16You're flying with our wings
14:19And what's the fourth button?
14:21What's the fourth button?
14:22A turd the size of Disneyland Paris!
14:25Yes, we, er...
14:26We ran out of money to clear any of the other...
14:28LAUGHTER
14:29But on to the big news now,
14:31Michael asked,
14:32Is it OK that I'm proud of Australia
14:34for banning social media access to children?
14:37Let's hope the rest of the world follows.
14:39Yes, now, usually news from Australia is less down under
14:42and more akin with the upside down,
14:44but this week they've done something quite radical.
14:46As of Wednesday, all of the major social media platforms have had to take steps to remove any users under
14:54the age of 16.
14:55And the worst thing about that is you're not even old enough to buy cigarettes to, like, get over it.
14:59So, how do you boys feel about the ban?
15:02I think it's a great idea.
15:04I think...
15:05Erm...
15:06I think that it's a bit weird that the only week in 13 years when we're praising Australia is the
15:12week Hillsie's away.
15:14LAUGHTER
15:14Don't tell the Ashes finishes next week.
15:17Yeah.
15:17And I also...
15:19I think I would totally ban social media for under-16s,
15:23er, with the caveat,
15:24unless they're being difficult and you want a bit of a rest.
15:27LAUGHTER
15:29Now, reports suggest that the main hope is that it will stop young people from meeting men in their 40s
15:34online
15:35whose Spotify top five are Sabrina Garpett.
15:38LAUGHTER
15:41APPLAUSE
15:46Look, one drawback of it, apparently, is that for the kids who live in isolated areas...
15:51So, some people's closest neighbour lives about 50 miles away, so it's the best way to communicate.
15:56How much of a concern do you think that is?
15:59Let's be clear, though, it's the best way to communicate for everyone.
16:01Like, there's nothing wrong with social media.
16:03It's the adults.
16:04We have failed to ask the companies to regulate what's on there.
16:07We're addicted to it.
16:08It's adults banning a product that we are addicted to.
16:11So, no, I don't want you on your phone all the time, cos, er, I need it.
16:14LAUGHTER
16:16Also, if they're 50 miles away, I don't think you can use the word my nearest neighbour.
16:20They're not your fucking neighbour.
16:22LAUGHTER
16:22Neighbours was set in Australia where it wasn't Scott and Charlene with 50 miles in the dream.
16:28LAUGHTER
16:28There's a nightmare on Trick or Treat where you walk 50 miles to get a chopper chaps.
16:34LAUGHTER
16:34We were up for four hours, we only did one hour.
16:38So, under-16s would be banned from Facebook, Instagram,
16:41Threads, X, YouTube, Snapchat, Reddit, Kik, Twitch and TikTok.
16:46Erm...
16:47Is there any of those you struck?
16:48Well, I'm going to say it, Threads are fucking lucky to be on that list.
16:51LAUGHTER
16:52Everyone banned themselves from Threads 48 hours in!
16:56I don't think anybody over-16 should be on Twitch.
17:00No.
17:01That's the, that, you know, that's just the game, the streaming...
17:03Yeah, that's the gaming one, yeah, no-one should be on that, no.
17:05But what the fuck was Kik?
17:06What's Kik?
17:07I've not even heard of some of them.
17:08Snapchat in Australia is, er, how they check where the crocodiles are, isn't it?
17:14LAUGHTER
17:14Tell me why you're looking at the cock.
17:20APPLAUSE
17:20Now, apparently, teenagers are already getting around the band
17:23if they look older than they are.
17:25I might start back in our day when you could buy cider from the off here
17:28if you had a bum fluff and moustache.
17:30Do you ever...
17:30No, I don't, no, I never managed that.
17:32LAUGHTER
17:33I'm still waiting for that one.
17:35We'll have a look at this insightful clip.
17:38What about you? Are you going to miss your social media?
17:41I'm not removed from anything. The ban hasn't worked.
17:44It hasn't worked? Why's that?
17:45Because my camera's terrible, so they think I'm 16.
17:49LAUGHTER
17:49I mean, that kid at the bottom...
17:52I know the kid at the top thinks, that one at the bottom,
17:54there is no way he's passing over 16.
17:57LAUGHTER
17:57That's me, the little kid on the left, looking at him going,
18:00fuck off.
18:01LAUGHTER
18:02They didn't seem...
18:04They didn't seem too bothered about it,
18:06but I just think when you've grown up in a country
18:09where everything's trying to kill you from the sun to the plants,
18:12like, hashtags are the least of your problems, aren't they?
18:14Yeah, and also, the kids will always find a workaround.
18:17They will all be on LinkedIn before you know it.
18:20LAUGHTER
18:23Uh, so, um, sorry, just the autocue's just got stuck.
18:28LAUGHTER
18:29Yeah, I've already said that bit.
18:31LAUGHTER
18:31Hilsie's never had to say it!
18:34LAUGHTER
18:35Hilsie's got a real uni on the IRQ.
18:39Hilsie's absolutely fucked you on the IRQ.
18:42Hilsie's on fours.
18:44Hilsie's now absolutely high-fiving the team.
18:47LAUGHTER
18:47Um, to be honest with you,
18:48I have just felt a massive wave of sadness,
18:51a bit like when Mufasa dies in the Lion King,
18:53which must mean, I think, we're due an update from Hils.
18:56Um, yep, I'm hearing he's on the line now.
18:58Where are you, Hilsie?
19:01Uh, yeah, look, sorry, boys,
19:03I had to get off the bus for a whole bunch of reasons.
19:05Uh, mainly the giant shit hit the fan.
19:07Not even entirely sure why there was a fan on the bus,
19:09but I'm now going to get on a motorbike,
19:11cos apparently that's the quickest way to get to you,
19:13uh, but I have to put some leathers on first.
19:15I'm not entirely sure this is necessary,
19:18but I'll give it a crack.
19:19Um, see you soon.
19:20Oh, this is ridiculous.
19:26APPLAUSE
19:31Look, looks up the hills on the bus,
19:33did go round and round and round.
19:34Aw, yeah!
19:36Look, you're getting down,
19:37I want you now, baby,
19:40I want you now, baby,
19:42I want you now, baby.
19:45Ah, there we are.
19:46What a highbrow show this has become.
19:49Um, but look, don't worry,
19:49we've got some excellent guests to make up through his absence.
19:52One's on Big Brother,
19:54the other's missing part of his bladder,
19:55it's AJ O'Doodoo and Matt Ford!
19:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:07Hello!
20:09This is me!
20:11Hello!
20:12Oh, my God!
20:14Oh, my God!
20:15Oh, my God!
20:16Oh, welcome to the show.
20:19All right.
20:19Tonight, we're also presenting our Hands Awards
20:22to people who've inspired us this year.
20:24Who would you both nominate?
20:26AJ, starting with you.
20:27Um, I would nominate Bus Auntie.
20:30She is a respected mental health nurse,
20:35but she's gone viral,
20:37uh, for her love of double-decker red buses.
20:42OK.
20:43She's great!
20:44She's really, really great.
20:45Here's a video of Bus Auntie in action.
21:04She's an icon, she's a legend, and she is the moment.
21:08The problem with that, though,
21:09is she just looks like she keeps missing the bus.
21:12LAUGHTER
21:13She's having to get Ubers everywhere!
21:15No, she raves at the bus drivers,
21:17she shows her appreciation,
21:20she loves them,
21:21she rides them.
21:22She met Keir Starmer on one!
21:24Did she?
21:24Yeah!
21:26A 4D who did you nominate?
21:28No, someone over there laughed!
21:30LAUGHTER
21:30It wasn't me!
21:32Who would you nominate, 4D?
21:34I want to nominate, um,
21:36a nurse who's helped me this year,
21:37called Sharon Hall,
21:38at the Royal National Orthopaedic Hospital.
21:41She's the lead urology nurse there,
21:43and I had surgery recently to deal with, um...
21:46I realise this sort of thing,
21:48it's only when you're saying out on live TV you realise,
21:50I'm not sure this is something I should be divulging,
21:52to deal with my male incontinence.
21:54And, um, I've had a artificial urinary sphincter put in...
21:58Wow.
21:59..to stop me peeing my pants following spinal surgery.
22:01I had cancer a couple of years ago,
22:03I'm a brave survivor.
22:05Um, and, um, I...
22:06Yeah!
22:13One in service will get it, I've had it,
22:15so it's come in to two of you guys.
22:17LAUGHTER
22:19Watch out!
22:21Um, thanks for joining us, 4D.
22:23LAUGHTER
22:25The angel of death's arrived!
22:28And, Josh, who did you nominate?
22:30Well, last week I nominated Sabrina Carpenter,
22:32we've discussed this,
22:33but, uh, we couldn't get her the award.
22:36We contacted her agent and they said,
22:39I'm really sorry,
22:39it's unlikely we'll get anything for the show tomorrow.
22:42Apologies, I don't want to give you any false hope.
22:44As if we had any fucking false hope.
22:47LAUGHTER
22:47At least now you can re-script your segment.
22:49But we've got it made,
22:50so here is like a classic racy picture
22:53of what people remember,
22:54Sabrina Carpenter's outfits,
22:56and here is the hands, there it is.
22:59Gorgeous!
22:59Oh, that...
23:00They're like twins!
23:01LAUGHTER
23:02So there we go.
23:03I think that is very similar, is it?
23:06And John, who's yours?
23:07I like the fact Eve and her agent said
23:08you can re-script the segment
23:09and you went, nah, we'll just do it anyway.
23:12LAUGHTER
23:12And John, who's your nomination?
23:15Well, I didn't know Matt was going to do a nurse
23:17that had, uh, operated on him,
23:19so I have picked a darts player
23:21who has suffered a different kind of adversity this year.
23:25Um, he's had to change his nickname
23:27because his name is Tim Pussy
23:29and he wanted to be called The Magnet.
23:32LAUGHTER
23:35I just think it's a sign that darts
23:36has lost its way a little bit, that's...
23:38What's wrong with Magnet Tim?
23:40Yeah, well, he's changed it to The Muncher, so...
23:43LAUGHTER
23:44He's dealt with it very well.
23:46Well, we'll have more Last Leg of Stand Up To Cancer for you
23:49after the break
23:50as we hand out more hands awards
23:51and check in on Faraway Hills.
23:54We'll see you soon.
24:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
24:21Come on.
24:22Come on, that's unfair.
24:23Now, let's focus on the important people,
24:26the ones that could be bothered to be here.
24:28Matt.
24:28Yes.
24:29It's Stand Up To Cancer tonight,
24:31which is obviously a topic close to your heart.
24:34Yeah, I'm a stand up.
24:34Stroke spine.
24:35And, um...
24:37So, tell us what happened with you, then.
24:39I got spinal cancer, um, a couple of years ago.
24:43I was performing at the Edinburgh Festival,
24:44had terrible nerve pain in my body,
24:46and went to see a doctor,
24:48and they said,
24:48you've probably just slipped a disc.
24:50Got an MRI,
24:51and there was a rare cancer at the base of my spine
24:53called a chordoma
24:54that only one in a million people get.
24:56Oh, my gosh.
24:57And at that point, obviously, you just...
24:59You can't quite comprehend that it's cancer, cos...
25:02No, to the point where, when you told me...
25:05You texted me and did it in the form of a quiz question.
25:09LAUGHTER
25:11That reflects really badly on me,
25:13but it was...
25:13Josh and I are part of a text group of...
25:16Let's not go into it! Let's not go into it!
25:17Let's not go into it!
25:17We have a running joke,
25:19and there are quizzes as part of the theme,
25:21and I invented a...
25:22Yeah.
25:23I was...
25:23I said, what is wrong with me?
25:24It was like, A, asthma, B, something...
25:26G, cancer.
25:27And knowing full well no-one was going to guess it.
25:30And it just added a game show element to proceedings,
25:32but I think...
25:33Now, you've had some good news recently.
25:35Yes, so, my last scan was clear,
25:37so I'm two years clear of cancer now.
25:39LAUGHTER
25:43Matt, that only means one thing.
25:47Bring them out!
25:50Maybe I was gonna fly
25:52Wanna leave, don't wanna die
25:55Maybe I just wanna breathe
25:57Maybe I just don't believe
25:59Maybe you're the same as me
26:02You'll see it, you'll never see
26:04Good night, we'll leave forever
26:13Oh, that's very cool.
26:15Now, earlier in the show,
26:16you mentioned your neurology nurse Sharon Gill.
26:18You wanted to give her a hands award.
26:20Yeah.
26:21Much like Hilsey, she couldn't be with us tonight.
26:22But she has got you a message. Here it is.
26:27Thank you so much, Matt, for the nomination.
26:29It's very, very kind of you.
26:30I'm very grateful.
26:31I'm so sorry I couldn't be with you tonight,
26:33but I wish you all the very best,
26:34and see you soon.
26:39You can still donate to Stand Up To Cancer
26:42We'll reveal the total raise tonight at the end of the show.
26:45Now, almost one in two of us will get cancer in our lifetime.
26:49Help us fight back to give £40, £30 or £10 to support Stand Up To Cancer.
26:53Text 40, 30, 20 or 10 to 70404.
26:58Or to donate any amount online, go to channel4.com forward slash su2c.
27:03100% of the money you give will fund life-saving cancer research.
27:07Now, it's time for our hands awards
27:09as we recognise some of the heroes of the year.
27:15APPLAUSE
27:25I can be your hands, baby
27:29I can hands away the pain
27:38I will hands by you forever
27:43You can take my hands away
27:55Our first award is for Faye,
27:59who adapts and teaches Strictly Come Dancing performances
28:03so they can be performed by wheelchair users
28:07and post them to her Instagram
28:10all whilst battling M.E. herself.
28:15Hi, Faye.
28:16I just wanted to say a huge thank you for the last leg.
28:18I'm delighted to accept this Hammers Award
28:21for creating and teaching adaptations
28:23of Strictly Come Dancing routines each week
28:25to show fellow chronically ill and disabled people
28:27that dances for everyone.
28:30APPLAUSE
28:34Our next award of the night goes to Celia Emery,
28:37who was nominated by Adam Hills on last week's show
28:40for owning her own embarrassment on the traitors.
28:43Here she is, accepting her award.
28:47I'm absolutely delighted to be an award winner
28:50and if it's for making everybody laugh,
28:53then I couldn't be happier.
28:55And I wish you all health and happiness in the year ahead.
28:59And thank you again.
29:02APPLAUSE
29:05We'll have more Last Leg of Stand Up To Cancer
29:08for you after the break
29:09and I'll still be in the hot seat.
29:10And we'll have another mystery guest.
29:12See you soon.
29:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
29:32Matt Ford, but still not Adam Hills.
29:34And don't forget, you can still donate...
29:37Uh, uh...
29:38There?
29:40There we go.
29:41We'll announce the total amount raised at the end of the show.
29:44Now, Matt, you're going on tour in the new year?
29:46Yes, my new tour, Defying Calamities,
29:48going across the UK from January to June next year,
29:51where we'll talk about male incontinence,
29:54erectile dysfunction, all the usual clichés.
29:56It's a classic stand-up show.
29:58It's a classic stand-up show,
30:00all the well-worn topics,
30:01plus impressions of Donald Trump, Keir Starmer.
30:03Well, let's get back to Donald Trump,
30:05because David asked,
30:07Is it OK that the Last Leg team
30:09may be banned from the US for being nasty to Trump?
30:12Yes, this week it was revealed
30:13that travellers planning to visit the US
30:15will soon have to provide a variety of extra information,
30:19including dates and birthplaces of family members
30:22and their social media activity going back five years.
30:27Worried?
30:28Uh, no, I'm not worried at all,
30:30but it's mainly because all of the dodgy tweets I send out
30:33are from my burner account,
30:34at Josh Widdicombe.
30:35LAUGHTER
30:39The amount of DPNG!
30:44How are you two feeling about it?
30:47Uh...
30:48Well, you don't want to feel like you're being spied on,
30:50you don't want to feel like...
30:51No.
30:52...being vetted.
30:53It's hard enough getting through passport control,
30:55do you know what I mean?
30:56It is.
30:56And you'll have to give your parents birthdays...
30:59I don't know...
31:00I don't know that!
31:01I don't know that information!
31:02If I need to go to America,
31:03I need to know my daughter's birthday.
31:05I'm fucked!
31:06LAUGHTER
31:07You don't have to give your parents social media,
31:09do you?
31:10What do you mean?
31:10Do you know what my mum's like?
31:12LAUGHTER
31:12I do!
31:13She is in my DMs too much!
31:16LAUGHTER
31:16We've looked into it, right?
31:17Not in that way!
31:19Not in that way!
31:20LAUGHTER
31:20I just get a lot of traction from my content.
31:23Um, now...
31:24That's not a euphemism!
31:26LAUGHTER
31:27What has this show turned into without Elsie?
31:30She hit the bell on your YouTube channel as well, did you?
31:33LAUGHTER
31:33LAUGHTER
31:33Um, so...
31:35Do you want to...?
31:36There are examples.
31:37These are, like, the red lines, right?
31:38These are the red flags people can't cross.
31:41So, if your social media is deemed too dangerous,
31:43something like this...
31:44Look at that, John!
31:46Oh!
31:47People who brag too much about their holidays on social media,
31:50they are the absolute worst!
31:52LAUGHTER
31:53Look at that absolute wanker!
31:55And...
31:56And total nutjobs!
31:59Number two...
32:00Flied without wings!
32:01LAUGHTER
32:04However, right, there is a workaround for those looking to move to America.
32:08President Trump has announced a scheme offering fast-track US visas
32:11for a cost of at least $1 million.
32:15Would you like to see...?
32:17This is the taste...
32:17This is the genuine tasteful gold card you will get.
32:23LAUGHTER
32:23Look at that!
32:24Oh!
32:24That's a real picture of Donald Trump riding an eagle past the Statue of Liberty.
32:29LAUGHTER
32:30LAUGHTER
32:33A really small eagle!
32:36LAUGHTER
32:36If you want to see, right, a very cheery snap of someone who is so happy with their gold card...
32:43Look at his little face!
32:44LAUGHTER
32:44He looks like Charlie Bucket! It's unbelievable!
32:47LAUGHTER
32:49It's more like Grandpa Joe, to be fair.
32:52Now, one of the great things about Hilsey not being here is I can do stories on whatever I want.
32:57This week, huge news from the world of Bez from the Happy Mondays, who has said he could lose his
33:03job to an AI bot.
33:06You all right, John?
33:08Yeah, well, he didn't, though, did he?
33:10LAUGHTER
33:11He did!
33:11He spoke into a big issue.
33:13He said, this is the quote,
33:14I thought, no way could AI actually do that, but can just rob everyone and anybody's life.
33:20Are you worried about Bez or yourself, John?
33:23I ain't got time to worry about Bez, have you seen my life?
33:27LAUGHTER
33:28AI's not coming for Bez, is it?
33:29No-one cares if a computer does drugs.
33:32LAUGHTER
33:36LAUGHTER
33:41AJ, are you worried about AI or doo-doo?
33:44LAUGHTER
33:46Do you know what, listen...
33:48That's good, dude!
33:49LAUGHTER
33:49We've got a lot of time for it.
33:52I'm not... I'm not moving.
33:53I feel... I feel like...
33:55It's complex, isn't it?
33:56It's already here.
33:57I don't think it's something to fear,
33:59it's something that we need to get our heads round and embrace,
34:02because it's not something that's going to happen,
34:05it's already happening, do you know what I mean?
34:07Exactly.
34:07Exactly.
34:08Poor old Bez.
34:09He's gone already.
34:12Ford, are you worried about it?
34:13No.
34:14I think...
34:14I think it's basically not as good as people worry about.
34:18I think it's basically rubbish.
34:20Are you talking about AI or Bez?
34:22AI!
34:23I'm more worried about Bez.
34:24Bez poses a bigger threat to my safety than AI.
34:27OK.
34:29All right.
34:29AI's just Googling it.
34:31Have you seen the Spanish monkey that does ASMR, though?
34:34Sorry, what?
34:35Are you having...
34:36Are you on the drugs now, John?
34:37What's going on?
34:38It's good stuff.
34:40It's good stuff.
34:40What's that?
34:41It's just like a Spanish monkey that eats food on Instagram
34:44and tells you about it in Spanish, he whispers.
34:48That was going to be...
34:49You know what, John?
34:51You have got a lot to worry about.
34:52It's time to bring out this week's mystery guest.
34:55It's someone from the news and our guests have to try and identify them.
34:58Can we have this week's mystery guest, please?
35:00Oh, oh, oh, oh!
35:03Myajo aÃ
35:04Mysterious guest.
35:05Yeast.
35:06I wanna be stars to you in the night.
35:09Look in the distance set!
35:12OK.
35:12Alex, who is the mystery guest?
35:15So, this is Hardbang, but why was he in the news this week?
35:19Can we have the dramatic lighting change, please?
35:25Right was he in the news because he traveled to Delhi where he made the final of the throwing a
35:31teabag into a mug World Series
35:34Did he travel to Las Vegas where he made the final of the Microsoft Excel World Championships?
35:40Or did he travel to Buenos Aires where he made the final of the sock pairing World Cup?
35:48Okay, teabagging
35:59So what are you thinking guys, I'm going to be whatever the middle one was that's the spirit don't even
36:05remember what they are
36:08Well, I just think his face moved less on the second option
36:12Interesting
36:13Well, all right, fuck it. They'll Joe fucking Marla on the traitors
36:18Don't need AI. We don't need AI
36:21So what we're saying is if it is Microsoft Excel you've proven we don't need AI 100% and if
36:27it's teabagging AI all the way
36:30Okay, we'll have more last leg to stand up to cancer after the break one
36:34We'll find out if this man is very quick at pairing socks and announce the final hands award of 2025
36:40But for that, let's see where Hillsy is. Hillsy, where are you?
36:46Yeah boys look I've had to get off the bike, but only because I've spotted someone that I think you're
36:50going to want to meet and I'm going to bring them to the studio
36:52Alex, it's not abs from five or Jay from five or Richie from five
36:58I'm going to keep it a surprise, but because it's another person. I can't put them on the bike
37:02So I've got a rickshaw. I think we're going to make it in time. You're going to be very happy
37:08to see this person
37:09Have we checked the rickshaw's got a blue badge? We'll be fine. I'll see you in a bit
37:13Find out if Hillsy makes it back after the break. See you soon
37:31Welcome back to the last leg of stand up to cancer
37:34I'm back in the big chair and we're joined by John Richardson AJ Adudu and Matt Ford
37:39Now before the break we challenged AJ and Matt to work out how this person was connected to the news
37:46John, please. Can we have the options again? Yes
37:50Sorry, I forgot how well produced this is
37:57After midnight man nobody's anyway
37:59He traveled to Delhi where he made the final of the throwing a teabag into a mug world series
38:03He traveled to Las Vegas where he made the final of the Microsoft Excel World Championships or he traveled to
38:08Buenos Aires where he made the final of the
38:10Sock-pairing World Cup
38:13So, AJ, Fordy, what are you thinking?
38:15They are all believable
38:17Yeah
38:18But I'm going to stick to the teabagging
38:21You're going to stick to the teabagging?
38:22Yeah
38:24LAUGHTER
38:24Fordy
38:25I'm going Microsoft Excel
38:26I think that I would believe all of them
38:30You can ask any questions by the way
38:32Can I?
38:32Oh, no no
38:33Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
38:35That's what I see
38:36Can we not?
38:37Someone's got a bit of power behind the desk
38:39Could we?
38:40If you're not, you're not sure
38:41Yeah
38:42It's not possible
38:42LAUGHTER
38:46perhaps
38:46You're looking in those answers
38:47So you're going teabagging
38:494D
38:49Computers
38:50Computers
38:50You're going for the computers
38:52Well, mystery guess
38:54Can you reveal the correct answer please
38:56and tell us why you've been in the news this way
38:58I went to Las Vegas last week and I made the final of the Microsoft Excel World Championship
39:14What happens at the Microsoft Excel World Cup?
39:18So they each battle is a 30-minute challenge where you have to answer a hundred questions on
39:25On seven levels of increasing difficulty and you're supposed to use Excel to solve them as quickly as possible
39:31And how did you get into it?
39:33Well, I attended an Excel conference in February and I saw an advert for the UK chapter of the championship
39:41I thought that looked fun. I tried it out and I want the UK championship
39:45Hooray!
39:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
39:49OK, you don't need AI!
39:53No, so what sort of questions do they ask you?
39:55Well, it's a mix of critical thinking, data analysis and some mathematics involved
40:01For instance, you might be given the names of ten and ten people and say how many of those names
40:08have a B in it?
40:09So it could be quite interesting if you put a context into it
40:12And what are you like with socks and teabags?
40:15LAUGHTER
40:16Is it just Excel, Microsoft Excel, or would you do another spreadsheet like pages?
40:22You're supposed to use Excel, but the reigning champion, he was so good
40:27he challenged himself to do one of the rounds in Google Sheets
40:32Ooooooooh!
40:33A showboater!
40:34I mean, it's incredible, but for Mo...
40:36If you turn around to your other half and you were just like,
40:38By the way, I'm going to Vegas for an Excel World Championship!
40:43LAUGHTER
40:43But John, you've got a dart shirt, haven't you, with a new nickname?
40:46I've got a new nickname for you, it's the Excel Bullet!
40:51LAUGHTER
40:53Give that over!
40:55APPLAUSE
40:57Hi, thanks, thank you very much!
40:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:05John has been punching the news this week.
41:07John, what have you got for us?
41:09Er, hey, would you like to see an utterly perfect clip,
41:13which I call, what did you think was going to happen?
41:16Yes, please.
41:23LAUGHTER
41:24You didn't have to imagine?
41:25LAUGHTER
41:25You didn't have to know?
41:26You know...
41:26You didn't have to see anything, you didn't have to tell me.
41:28You didn't have to play a lot in the video.
41:30LAUGHTER
41:31LAUGHTER
41:31LAUGHTER
41:36Who did this show?
41:38LAUGHTER
41:48What else have you got? Would you like to see some delightful footage of an Australian man and his leaf
41:52blower proving that instant karma exists in Australia?
41:56Yes, please!
42:06Can we go up the dog?
42:11Tries to blow the leaf blower up the dog's anus.
42:15We've got an extra one!
42:18Ooh!
42:19We've got an extra one. John, this is for you. This is a message from a Hans winner. Let's have
42:25a look.
42:27Hello, everyone. At the last leg, it's Tim Pusey. I'm really happy to accept the Hans Award.
42:32I'd like to thank everyone who nominated me, especially John Richardson.
42:37The Hans Award will look great in the trophy cabinet. It's a perfect preparation for the world championship.
42:43I'll be beaming with confidence after receiving this.
42:46Oh!
42:48I love that guy.
42:51Now, we've just heard the amount you've raised for Stand Up To Cancer since it was on air two years
42:57ago.
42:57It currently stands at...
42:59Drum roll.
43:02...14,212,660 pounds!
43:31Now, we're about to end the show with our final Hans Awards.
43:36Now, we're about to end the show with our final Hans Awards.
43:36Before we do, would you please thank our guests, Adrian Doodoo!
43:41Matt Ford!
43:44My co-host, Alex Brooker!
43:46And my co-host, Josh Winnickam!
43:49And our other co-host, John Richardson!
43:53We'll be back next week with everyone's third favourite host, Adam Hills.
43:57Plus, our guest, Fatia El Ghori, Roisin Conaty.
44:00But for now, let's see who our final Hans Awards go to.
44:16I can be your hands, baby
44:22I can hands away the pain
44:29I will hands by you forever
44:35You can take my hands away
44:42Our penultimate hands award of the evening goes to Chris Stevenson and David Spencer
44:49they are Kevin Sinfield's fellow runners who cover every mile alongside him
44:56completing challenges all in aid of the charity MND
45:02Kevin was recognised with the hands award last year so this year we're recognising Chris
45:08and David too
45:10Hello to the last leg, thank you very much for this nomination, it means a great deal
45:15It's an incredible honour and a privilege to represent the MMD community
45:19to be part of such an incredible team and to run alongside Kevin
45:23Mine and Chris's job as far as I'm concerned is the easiest and most enjoyable part
45:28it's running with a mate, for a mate
45:30Anything that shines a light on MND and the cruel disease that it is, is good
45:35and I feel very humbled that I've been able to see and touch people that have been impacted
45:42by this cruel disease
45:44We will continue to run with a mate, for a mate until we find a cure for MND
45:50Thank you so much
45:55Our last hands award goes to 15 year old Charlotte Gower who won triple gold as Great Britain
46:01secured 12 medals at the Deaf Olympics in Tokyo
46:06Hello the last leg, I'm so pleased to accept the 2025 hands award and extremely grateful to have been nominated
46:13for winning seven medals
46:14including three golds for Great Britain and the Deaf Olympics in Tokyo last month
46:19I hope this award will help raise the profile of Deaf sport and give Deaf athletes the recognition they deserve
46:25Thanks again to everyone who nominated me, it means a lot
46:33Incredible stuff, that's it for the 2025 hands awards
46:40And bad news genuinely, we've just heard Hilsey isn't going to make it back but we've got one more surprise
46:48hands
46:49AJ and John, can you take the hands mascot costume off to reveal our final winner behind you
46:56There we go, it's Matt's Specialist Nerds!
47:00Oh my god!
47:04Oh my god!
47:06Oh my god!
47:08Oh my god!
47:09Thank you!
47:09Our names are Josh Winnicum
47:11And Alex Booker
47:12We'll see you next week for the next league
47:15I can be your hands baby
47:22I can hands away the peg
47:25Oh yeah!
47:26Oh yeah!
47:28I'm on hands by you forever
47:34You can take my hands away
47:38I can be your hands
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