- 19 hours ago
First broadcast 31st October 1984.
Arthur stands as an independent candidate at the local bye-election.
Dennis Waterman - Terry
George Cole - Arthur
Caroline Langrishe - Julie Waters
Patrick Malahide - Chisholm
Michael Povey - D.C. Jones
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Peter Woodthorpe - Lent
Clifford Rose - Cooke
Brian McDermott - Blakeney
Neville Jason - Rutherford
Nicholas Courtney - Raymond Wilkins
Michael Ripper - Commissionaire
Lennard Pearce - George
Alex McAvoy - Macintyre
Chris Sullivan - Poker Player
Julie May - Woman with chocolates
Jim Dunk - Man with hedge
Joyce Parry - Woman at door
Graham Cull - Taxi Driver
Rodney Cardiff - Vote Daley rally
Eric Kent - Winchester Club Patron
Roy Lansford - Vote Daley rally
Henry Roberts - Vote Daley rally
Byron Sotiris - Police Sergeant
Arthur stands as an independent candidate at the local bye-election.
Dennis Waterman - Terry
George Cole - Arthur
Caroline Langrishe - Julie Waters
Patrick Malahide - Chisholm
Michael Povey - D.C. Jones
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Peter Woodthorpe - Lent
Clifford Rose - Cooke
Brian McDermott - Blakeney
Neville Jason - Rutherford
Nicholas Courtney - Raymond Wilkins
Michael Ripper - Commissionaire
Lennard Pearce - George
Alex McAvoy - Macintyre
Chris Sullivan - Poker Player
Julie May - Woman with chocolates
Jim Dunk - Man with hedge
Joyce Parry - Woman at door
Graham Cull - Taxi Driver
Rodney Cardiff - Vote Daley rally
Eric Kent - Winchester Club Patron
Roy Lansford - Vote Daley rally
Henry Roberts - Vote Daley rally
Byron Sotiris - Police Sergeant
Category
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TVTranscript
00:10Taxis.
00:11He has been trying to overtake you for the last two miles.
00:13Yeah, that's the trouble with everyone today, Terry.
00:15Eurtling about all over the place.
00:17What is this life if full of care?
00:19We ain't got time to stand and stare.
00:22It was something I picked up in my leisure time reading.
00:26Is that leisure like in time spent not working?
00:28Yeah, of course.
00:30Like me at the moment, innit?
00:31Yeah.
00:32Yeah, and what am I doing on me day off?
00:34Helping you move a load of old bangers all round your car lot.
00:37Punters lose confidence if every day they go by the vehicles are in exactly the same spot.
00:41Yeah, with trees growing out the bonnet.
00:43It'll only take an hour.
00:44What is happening?
00:46Looks like your motors are getting moved quicker than you thought, son.
00:50Come on, come on.
01:01Right, you sort a night and dial 999.
01:03Where do I always get the soft jobs, eh?
01:08Hang about, hang about.
01:10What's going on here?
01:11Don't stand chatting.
01:12Hit him.
01:15Oi!
01:16What's going on?
01:17Would you be Mr Arthur Daly, proprietor?
01:19I would.
01:19Will you tell him to stop waving that car about?
01:21That's very nearly a vintage vehicle.
01:23Stop!
01:23My name's McIntyre.
01:25Oh yeah?
01:25What's the matter?
01:26No cars left of steel in Scotland?
01:28I am an officer of the High Sheriff of Greater London.
01:30High Sheriff of Greater London?
01:32What are you doing sorting out all the cowboy car dealers, eh?
01:34I don't care if you're Wyatt Earp.
01:36You cannot come on my property and start making the cars fly about.
01:39Bring it back down!
01:40Take it away!
01:41Terry, get up there and hit that driver.
01:43If I do that, your life will have two tons of near vintage spread all over the place.
01:47You'll also be served with a writ and charged with assaulting council employees.
01:50Council?
01:51That's right.
01:51Look, will you stop that maniac and tell me what this is all about?
01:55You have been compulsory purchased.
01:57Compulsory purchased?
01:58This is a notice to enter and this is a notice to treat.
02:01Notice to treat?
02:02Look, what are you talking about?
02:03Look, I'm a reasonable man, Mr Dale.
02:05Oh yeah, I can see that.
02:05No sooner is my back turning you're snatching my cars up in the air.
02:08I'd hate to see you turn nasty.
02:09I will postpone clearance of this site until you go to the town hall and they explain the situation to
02:15you.
02:15Fair enough?
02:16Fair enough?
02:16Heads are gonna roll.
02:17Come on, Terence, town hall.
02:19No, no, hold on, hold on. It's my day off, innit?
02:21What?
02:22Look, I said I'd come and help you move a few cars, right?
02:25Well, now the nice men from the council are doing it, aren't they?
02:28Cool, look at the rust on that, eh?
02:29Where?
02:33Terry!
02:58You looking for someone?
02:59I'm looking for Terry McCann.
03:01You found him.
03:10Morning, sir.
03:14Hey!
03:15Hey!
03:16You can't park there.
03:18I see.
03:19Are you another at a private junta running this borough then?
03:22That's the mayor's parking space.
03:24Listen, I put the mayor in, I can put the mayor out.
03:26Now what I want from you is where is the planning department?
03:29Legal section.
03:29You'll have to ask about that inside.
03:31Right.
03:53Well, what do you want?
03:55I told you outside.
03:56And I told you outside you cannot park in the mayor's car space.
04:00Well, the sooner I get my business attended to here, the sooner the mayor can park his bought-in-Britain
04:06Mercedes in his car space.
04:12Yes.
04:13Can you tell the police that there's another illegal immigrant in the mayor's car space, will you?
04:17Oh, and you might as well get them to check the number plate too.
04:20Could be stolen.
04:23Now, sir.
04:24Which department did you want?
04:26I told you outside.
04:38My name is Arthur Daly, with an E.
04:41My name is Cook, with an E.
04:44Can I help you, Mr. Daly?
04:46Yes, you can, Mr. Cook.
04:47Have the Russians taken over?
04:49I beg your pardon.
04:51Have they taken over the town hall?
04:52Has someone decided the day of the private business man is over, are we all going to end up on
04:56a chain gang finishing the M25?
04:58I take it you have called about the council's compulsory purchase order on your car lot?
05:03Got it in one.
05:03Well, on the 14th of August last, you were sent by recorded delivery, pursuant to the Local Government Miscellaneous Properties
05:10Act Section 16, the regulatory letter advising of this council's wish to purchase the said property.
05:16I was?
05:16You were.
05:18You were also sent form MR-36 and form 27B.
05:23You failed to reply.
05:25Yeah, but if you sent them recorded delivery, I probably thought they were parking tickets.
05:28And further take notice that in the event of your failing to give the information requested within the time specified...
05:34Is he a recording?
05:35...or knowingly making any misstatement in respect of such information, you will be liable on summary conviction to a fine
05:41not exceeding £400.
05:43Well, that's a bit out of order. I mean, a dog might have eaten them.
05:46You were sent the same forms a further two times. Advertisants are also placed in the local press on two
05:52separate occasions. Doubtless your dog at the newspaper.
05:55I'm making a very careful mental note of your attitude.
05:58Excellent. You were sent a further Section 16 letter, and subsequently you have been sent a notice to treat and
06:05a notice to enter.
06:06Of course, you are entitled to adequate and fair compensation for the land which we've purchased from you.
06:11Oh no, that is a very valuable commercial site. I would put its value at a quarter of a million
06:16pounds.
06:17The council value it at £15,000.
06:20This is nice, isn't it? I obeyed the call of my Prime Minister, put my back to the wall, my
06:24nose to the grindstone, and what do you do? Nick my car lot.
06:27I demand to see my local councillor.
06:30Oh, you can't?
06:30Why not? He's dead. Dead? That's no excuse. He should have dealt with his first.
06:34As I recall, he did. It was his suggestion. Ironic, really.
06:39Why?
06:40We're going to build a mortuary on your car lot.
06:44You mean I was actually pulling the motors off of the lot?
06:47Oh, no. Not exactly pulling them. More like making them fly.
06:51There you go, that all right.
06:52And here he is, the bird man of West London. I'll never doubt you again.
06:55My outrage sensibilities are in need of a double, Dave.
06:58Right.
06:59You all said that motor went like a bird, didn't you? Well, seeing is believing.
07:02Don't you worry about that sheriff, Terry. I'll soon settle his nonsense.
07:05Shoot out at the half a daily car lot, eh? That'll be £1.80.
07:08No, Dave. I'm going to make the ultimate sacrifice.
07:11You're not going to settle your slate, are you? No, I am not, Dave.
07:15Now, in these dark and difficult times, I'm going to answer the call.
07:18Ask not what your borough can do for you, Terry. What can you do for your borough?
07:22Do what?
07:23You are talking to the independent candidate in the forthcoming council by-election.
07:27Cool.
07:27Now, if you just sign this nomination form, Dave.
07:31Hold on, hold on, hold on. How much is this going to cost us?
07:33No, no, no, no, no. I just need ten signatures of people who live in this ward, then I can
07:37stand officially.
07:38Does this mean that if you get voted in, you'll be our local councillor?
07:41That's right, Dave.
07:42Now, what are you going to do about my drains? They don't half pen and ink.
07:44In the fullness of time, Dave, in the fullness of time.
07:46You're just doing this to get back at them for putting that compulsory purchase order on your car lot, aren't
07:50you?
07:51You could say that, Terry. I'm collecting signatures for the return of capital punishment.
07:54Capital punishment?
07:56What about the birch?
07:57That as well.
07:58Oh, lovely.
08:01Now, remember, vote for Arthur Daly, your independent law and order candidate. Thank you.
08:05Arthur, you don't know anything about politics.
08:08That is not the requirement. All I need is ten signatures.
08:11Go on, get that drink, don't you? We've got to get this back to the town hall and get it
08:14duly registered.
08:15I don't know. I'm on holiday, remember?
08:17Terry, this is no time to lounge around in Winchester. Your country needs you.
08:23Hello, love. What? What do you want?
08:26Uh, gin and tonic, please.
08:27Babe, Arthur, this is Julie.
08:30Hello.
08:31Well, we'll just have a quick drink and then shoot it out and have something to eat, eh?
08:33Great.
08:33No, no, no, no, no. Your place is at my side.
08:36On working?
08:37On what?
08:38Well, he's going to be working with me, Mr Daly.
08:41No, no, no, no, no. We'll talk about this later.
08:43Well, there you go. One Vera and Philharmonic.
08:46Sorry?
08:47Gin and tonic.
08:47Oh.
08:54I told you the last time you can't park here.
08:58Can't? You say can't to the man who's going to drag this borough into the 20th century?
09:02Just who are you?
09:03You may well ask. I only hope for your sake you are a member of a very powerful trade union.
09:09Otherwise, in a few weeks' time, you're going to find yourself on a zebra crossing without a lollipop.
09:16There are going to be some changes made. The days of wine and roses are over.
09:33I have come to present myself at the bar of public opinion.
09:36I hereby declare my intention to stand as an independent candidate in the impending war by-election.
09:42I hereby declare I know of no cause nor impediment that would debar me from standing as a duly elected
09:47candidate.
09:52You've got the wrong department, mate. This is health and sanitation. You want room 453.
09:57Oh, bloody commissioner, I'll have him.
10:02Who's got Mrs Bunn, the baker's wife?
10:05Are you a British subject?
10:07King and country, Mr Wilkins.
10:09I was under the impression we had a queen.
10:12That too. It is because I believe that an Englishman's home is his castle that I am standing.
10:17I see. And have we got a CPO on your castle as well as your car lot?
10:21That is a figure of speech.
10:24Criminal record.
10:26Do I need one to stand for councillor?
10:29A moot point.
10:30Any person who has served a prison sentence of three months or more in the past five years is disqualified.
10:35You need have no fear on that score.
10:40Well, everything seems to be in order.
10:43A small piece of advice.
10:45Oh, yes?
10:46You are standing for this ward.
10:48I see that your permanent address is outside the ward.
10:52It's an established fact that candidates who actually live in the ward they seek to represent poll more votes.
11:00Oh, well, there is something I have neglected to tell you.
11:18Oh, my God.
11:21Have you had your locks changed? My key wouldn't fit.
11:24It was locked from the inside, wasn't it?
11:26I'm on holiday, remember?
11:28Should have had a Do Not Disturb sign up there and all.
11:30Well, never mind about all that. We've got work to do.
11:31No, no, no, we haven't. No, I'm kipping.
11:33Any drink about the place?
11:35Hemlock?
11:36No, no, too much caffeine in it, Terry.
11:38You should worry about your insides.
11:41I'll have a cup of tea.
11:42My plan is to stand for the local council.
11:44A bit of slight snag.
11:45Were you?
11:45Her indoors object, did she?
11:46No, on the contrary. She's delighted.
11:48She sees it as the first step on the way to the House of Commons.
11:51That's one way of looking at it, isn't it?
11:52Yeah.
11:52Are you going somewhere?
11:53No, no.
11:54What have you got the cases for?
11:55Oh, well, yeah, I am going somewhere in a manner of speaking.
11:58Just for a short time, you understand?
11:59Till I get elected.
12:01Where?
12:01Here.
12:03Where?
12:03Yeah.
12:03Yeah.
12:04Do what?
12:05Yeah, residential qualifications.
12:06See, I have to live in the ward that I wish to represent.
12:09Hang about, Arthur.
12:10I'm not sharing my place with you.
12:12Listen with it.
12:13That front door is the only bit of safety I've got.
12:15When I lock that, I lock you and all the aggravation on the outside.
12:19Terry, it is only until the election.
12:20The moment the result is cleared, I'll be off back home.
12:22Arthur, I don't want you here cocking up my life.
12:25Terry, you live in this ward.
12:27I do not.
12:28Either I move in with you till the election or...
12:30Or what?
12:32You move in with her indoors.
12:34No, Arthur.
12:34No.
12:35Terence, it's less than three weeks.
12:36The time will fly by.
12:38It always does when you're enjoying yourself, you know that.
12:40We make this the daily HQ.
12:41We won't.
12:42Campaign headquarters, posters on the wall.
12:43Have you gone crackers on something?
12:44Campaign colours, election, addresses.
12:46All that will have to come down for a start.
12:48Well, get off.
12:48Leave it alone.
12:49Armies of volunteers.
12:50Arthur.
12:51Arthur.
12:52This will be my inner sanctum.
12:55My operations room.
12:57We can get the phone put through, isn't it?
12:59Terry!
13:00This has got to stop.
13:01It hasn't been started yet.
13:02Get it out.
13:03Get it out.
13:04I'm sorry about this, love.
13:05Listen, I've got an idea.
13:06Why don't I move out completely,
13:08keep myself available for you in the daytime,
13:10and I'll sleep on a bench or something, eh?
13:12That's very thoughtful of you, Terry.
13:13I knew you'd understand.
13:14Oh, I understand all right.
13:15You see, it's a question of guilt by association.
13:18I mean, if the press got hold of this, my name would be mud.
13:21Oh, yeah?
13:22I mean, I can't go storming all over the borough
13:24demanding a clean-up campaign
13:25when there's naked ladies sprawled all over me HQ.
13:29Why don't you tell Arthur what you do for a living?
13:33I'm a reporter.
13:34Oh, my God!
13:34What?
13:46Terry?
13:47Terry!
13:50Oh, God!
14:02Hello.
14:03Hello. Yeah, this is Arthur Daly.
14:07Platform? What platform? I travel by car.
14:10Oh, press! Oh, ha-ha-ha! Political platform, yes.
14:14I am hoping to issue a statement within the next few days.
14:18Oh, I hope I can rely on your vote. Thank you. Goodbye.
14:32I feel a Burt doing this. Don't worry, Terry. We'll only use a couple of the best action shots.
14:37Just keep working through the routine. Guess about it, Tom.
14:40It's easier said than done, isn't it?
14:47Just a minute. Just a minute. Oi.
14:51You gone mad? Do what?
14:53My political career's in the balance, and you're pointing around to some bird in the gym.
14:57I told you last night she's doing a series of articles for her paper, and one of them's on me.
15:01Oh, lovely. The nearly men.
15:03I mean, it's not enough. They've got bingo bums and bristols.
15:06We're now going to have an early morning job down memory lane.
15:09Yeah, well, it's better than reading about the vice-dense of Penge, innit?
15:12Penge? What do you mean, Strebham?
15:14Oh, give us your gloves, Tom. Cheers.
15:16Where you going? Over here. Come on, do something useful.
15:18Hold this bag for us.
15:21She's exploiting you, Terry.
15:23You'd know all about that, wouldn't you?
15:25Oh, leave it out. I've been like a go-father to you.
15:27And at the end of the day, you won't see a penny for it.
15:30No?
15:31No.
15:32Funny that.
15:33She's already given me 200 quid.
15:35She what?
15:37Arthur Daly.
15:38Yes, we've had the slide rule run over him.
15:41One or two interesting vulnerabilities we might be able to exploit.
15:44Really? Like what?
15:47Well, for a man running on the lawn order issue, he stays pretty close to the wind.
15:52Does he now? Anything specific?
15:54Well, there's the used car lot we put the CPO on. Might be a few dodgy MOTs, though.
16:00I think we could buy him off if we agreed to drop the CPO.
16:03Hmm. It's worth a try. But there might be no need. I gather our Mr. Daly's a bit of an
16:10entrepreneur. He dabbles in buying and selling.
16:14Receiving?
16:14Well, let's say it's worth talking to our friends in blue.
16:18No, well, when you're in a ring, you see, you don't think so much about not getting hurt.
16:22It's more about hurting the other bloke. Mind you, it's nothing personal, you know.
16:33PHONE RINGS
16:37Hello?
16:39Oh, is that Julie? Dave here, Winchester Club. He's Arthur there.
16:43Will you give him a message?
16:45In the last five years, I need something to get me going, something to wind them up.
16:51In the last five years...
16:54I know.
16:58I have a dream!
17:01How's that sound?
17:03Familiar.
17:03Eh?
17:04Well, Martin Luther King said that, didn't he?
17:06Did he?
17:08Got shot.
17:09Yeah, but that was in America, wasn't it?
17:11Point one!
17:13There has been a rise in the cost of living in relation to inflation of 12 and a half percent.
17:22And wages have not kept pace.
17:25Mine haven't, that's for certain.
17:27Listen, what are you mugging up on all that for?
17:28I mean, punters round here don't want to know about that, do they?
17:30Terry, never underestimate the stupidity of your average punter.
17:34I mean, look at Aaron Wilson, he was always rabbiting on about a pound in your pocket, and he was
17:37Prime Minister.
17:38He didn't go around in poxied black and white rosettes, did he?
17:41Terry, I've told you, the colour is symbolic.
17:44Black and white, the unification of the races.
17:46I come to you as a man of integration.
17:49It's really symbolic, that, isn't it?
17:51Terry!
17:52I bought the job lot after the 1953 cup final.
17:56I think you must have bought these chocolates at the same time, Aaron.
17:58Well, look, will you leave things alone? I'm hoping to shift those in the near future.
18:01Cool. Good luck.
18:02Point two, there has been a per capita increase in the rates of 120% over the last five years.
18:14For coffee?
18:15Yeah.
18:20You get the local council you vote for.
18:24This is Arthur Daly, your independent candidate, your law and order representative.
18:29Quite the bloody bums, Terry, for God's sake.
18:32Bums daily on the 29th.
18:36Miserable sods, I can't see a single one of my posters anywhere.
18:39After I went all the bother of borrowing this van, too.
18:42Psst!
18:43What do you mean, psst?
18:45The microphone!
18:46What about it?
18:47What about it?
18:48He's still on!
18:50You look, pull over, Terry, pull over, we go on the knocker.
18:53That'll take me back a few years.
18:54Good area for rag and bones, was it?
18:56Ha ha ha ha ha!
19:02Don't forget your clipboard.
19:04No.
19:04Burn your pamphlets.
19:09Just keep driving around slowly.
19:11They're vans covered in black and white ribbons.
19:14Wedding and a funeral, is it?
19:30Good afternoon, madam.
19:31Allow me to introduce myself.
19:32Arthur Daly, your independent candidate.
19:34Sorry.
19:35We're all Church of England.
19:38Thank you for your support.
19:41Maybe you should try that stuff about a dream again.
19:43No.
19:43Hey, come on, come on, this way.
19:45This way, eh?
19:45Here.
19:47I saw Michael Essentine do this.
19:50Very good.
19:58Good afternoon, sir.
19:59Arthur Daly, your independent candidate in the forthcoming world election.
20:02I trust I can rely on your vote?
20:04Just a minute.
20:06That's more like it, Terry.
20:07Pay attention, you might learn a thing or two.
20:11What did you say your name was?
20:12Daly, Arthur Daly, your independent candidate.
20:15I see.
20:16Can I have your address?
20:17All in the leaflet, sir.
20:19And, er, can I rely on your vote?
20:21No.
20:22I just wanted to know where to send the bill for the damage you've just done to my bloody hedge.
20:29I think they must be in the reception bar now.
20:31Look, just keep driving, will you?
20:33No, stop!
20:34Roger!
20:35Out of it!
20:36All right!
20:37All right!
20:40Unbelievable behaviour.
20:42Thank goodness I found you.
20:44Hello.
20:44They're all mad.
20:45They're all mad.
20:45I mean, who in their right mind would want to represent this lot?
20:48You'd be surprised.
20:50Why are the local council mafia ganging up on Arthur?
20:53Because they feel threatened, my son.
20:54They recognise my potential.
20:56Let's have a drink.
20:57What they recognise is the importance of this ward.
20:59I did some research after I spoke to Dave.
21:01And?
21:02And this ward holds the balance of power for the entire borough.
21:06The balance of power?
21:07Your council is split right down the middle.
21:1014 Tory seats, 14 Labour seats, plus this one.
21:14If you were to win, your vote in the council would decide which of the major parties ruled.
21:18Oh, Terry, I think I know how them early settlers felt in Texas when they struck oil.
21:23They what?
21:24Your friend has just realised he's sitting on a gold mine.
21:27Just think of the little favours the two parties will do him if he wins.
21:31A little planning consent here.
21:33A little contract there.
21:34Oh, no, no.
21:35You judge me too harshly, my dear.
21:36I will not deny those thoughts did go through my head.
21:38But think of the good I can do.
21:40Who for?
21:41Everyone.
21:42The old borough.
21:42Put an end to their cabals.
21:45Petty party politics.
21:46I shall be the voice of sanity.
21:48The man on the Clapham omnibus.
21:49No, no, no.
21:50On the local tube.
21:51Hold on.
21:51You've got to get in first, haven't you?
21:53And we're fighting professionals.
21:54So?
21:54I take the leaf out of the French royal family's book.
21:56What did they give the starving people to eat?
21:59Snails?
21:59Cake, my son.
22:00Cake.
22:01And what was good enough for Mary Antoinette was good enough for me.
22:04Look what happened to her.
22:06What?
22:07Chin up.
22:10With the greatest respect, sir, I do know my local villains.
22:14The notion that Arthur Daly is a big-time fence is risible.
22:20Yes, I appreciate that all tip-offs have to be investigated,
22:24but Arthur Daly...
22:26Very good, sir.
22:28Leave it with me.
22:31Apparently, West End Central have received information from what they term an excellent source.
22:36Aren't Daly?
22:37They've got him in the First Division of Jewel Fencing.
22:40You wouldn't make this, then, League.
22:42Oh, I know that.
22:43You know that.
22:44So, when we turn Daly over, West End Central will know that as well, won't they?
22:51Testing.
22:52Testing.
22:52Testing.
22:55I must have a word with Arnie about this Duff equipment, Terry.
22:59Are you sure this is going to work?
23:01Yeah, of course.
23:02I've rethought my entire campaign strategy.
23:04I feel like Rommel before the Battle of Waterloo.
23:07You mean Wellington?
23:08Oh, Battle of Wellington, whatever.
23:09The word's gone down the line.
23:12The boys in blue will be paying them a visit in the near future.
23:15Think they'll find anything?
23:16Well, I regard it rather as a fishing expedition.
23:19At least it'll ensure our law and order candidate maximum embarrassment in the middle of his campaign.
23:26I think we ought to ensure that our wonderful police force receive maximum publicity.
23:31I've got an idea.
23:33I'm always happy to talk to the press, Mr. Lett.
23:36An in-depth profile on election day would certainly help to get my message across.
23:40Any luck, Julie?
23:40You've got my PA.
23:41You can have the church hall on the 27th.
23:43Excellent.
23:44Book it.
23:44It's going to cost £250.
23:47£250?
23:48I'm running a political rally, not an antique auction.
23:51Finding the going tough, are we?
23:52Not as tough as the opposition.
23:54Book it, Julie.
23:56This seat you're fighting is, of course, a marginal.
23:59It is at the moment.
24:00But after the election, it will be a safe seat for independence in this borough.
24:05Can I quote you on that?
24:07Certainly.
24:09For a man brimming with confidence, you don't appear to have a very big backup staff.
24:13Oh, he's got enough backup.
24:16You're Terry McCann, aren't you?
24:18That's right.
24:19Saw you fight once.
24:20The story of my life, innit?
24:21They all saw me fight once.
24:23No, you were good.
24:24What happened?
24:26More tea, Mr. Lent.
24:28Got anything strong?
24:29Oh, Julie, you'll find some whiskey in the entertainment and reception area.
24:33That's the kitchen.
24:36Now, Mr. Daly, about your polishes.
24:40Oh, yes.
24:40What about them?
24:41What are they?
24:42Oh, it's all in my election pamphlet.
24:45No, no, no.
24:46That's the usual stuff about the need for a more efficient spending.
24:49Policy, lower rent, lower rate.
24:51All the parties say that now.
24:53Why should the vote a single year, hmm?
24:56What makes you special?
25:02Why don't I just bring you the bottle?
25:04What a good idea.
25:06What makes him special is that he's independent, see?
25:09You don't have to answer to the toe rags who run this far off.
25:12Thank you very much, Terry.
25:13Yes, thank you.
25:13No, no, that is off the record, Mr. Lent.
25:15What Terence means is I am my own man.
25:18I am not going to take any three-line whipping from people to make me vote for their policies.
25:23Law and order is your speciality, isn't it?
25:25Correct.
25:25And I think I can honestly say that I shall bring unrivalled knowledge of the problems of law and order
25:34to the council chamber.
25:42Arthur Daly, your independent candidate for the St. Mary's ward.
25:46What's the chocolates for?
25:47Well, you can eat them while you're reading his election address.
25:49Oh, that's nice.
25:51Now, tell me, my dear, have you any complaints about the way the council are running this borough?
25:54My bathroom's got a leak.
25:56Been trying to get it fixed for months.
25:58Terence, make a note.
25:59Mrs. Johnston needs her bathroom fixing.
26:01That will be attended to during my first week in office.
26:03Oh, really?
26:04Me husband will be pleased.
26:06What was the name again?
26:07Daly.
26:08Arthur Daly.
26:08Don't forget, tell your neighbour, vote Daly.
26:10I will.
26:11Thanks for the chocolate.
26:13Cheers.
26:14How are we doing?
26:15Well, so far you've promised to unblock 15 drains, redecorate 27 rooms, repair four roofs and allow 19 Australians to
26:22stay here indefinitely.
26:28What's all that about?
26:30That copper's nicking my chocolates.
26:32You told me they were straight.
26:33They was.
26:34You know what this is, don't you?
26:35This is political chicanery on the part of my rivals.
26:38Park this undercover.
26:45Excuse me, young man.
26:47What is happening?
26:52Mr. Chisholm, what are you doing here?
26:54Shopping.
26:55Wife instructed me to look for some chocolates.
26:57That is a diabolical liberty.
26:59Oh, so are these.
27:01Political persecution, that's what this is.
27:03I've never heard it called that before.
27:05A raid, yes.
27:06A swoop.
27:09Turning over someone's drum, maybe.
27:12Got receipts for all these chocolates, of course.
27:13It was a cash transaction.
27:15What, it's the only way to beat the Japanese competition these days?
27:19What do you want?
27:21Who are you?
27:22Lent.
27:23West London Gazette.
27:25You're a bit quick off the mark, aren't you?
27:26How did you get wind of this?
27:28Just a coincidence.
27:30Rubbish.
27:30I recently interviewed Mr. Daly.
27:32I wanted to check a few details.
27:34Well, I'm afraid I'm going to have to borrow him for a while, Mr. Lent.
27:38Are you arresting him?
27:39What are the charges?
27:41Hey, look, you be careful what you write.
27:43No charges at this stage.
27:45Mr. Daly and Mr. McCann are merely helping us with our inquiries, aren't you?
27:49Are we?
27:50Yes, you are.
27:51And in order to show how reasonable I am,
27:53I'm going to take you down to the station in one of our nice big cars
27:56with the flashing blue lights.
27:57Chocolate, anyway?
27:59Oh, thank you.
28:04When I get elected, I'm going to get myself on the police committee.
28:08Oh, yeah?
28:08Yeah.
28:09And I'll have that Detective Sergeant Chisholm just where I want him.
28:13In the meantime, how are we going to get out of here?
28:18I don't know.
28:20What was the sum total of our raid on Daly's Locker?
28:24Four groans of black and white facades with the slogan,
28:26Bold and Wonders for the Cup.
28:28Two thousand girly magazines.
28:30Paul?
28:31No, no.
28:31I've seen better on Page Reader.
28:34Yes.
28:34Six dozen musical monkeys that play Scotland the Brave.
28:38Now he's got deceits for those.
28:40You mean he actually bought six dozen musical monkeys that play Scotland the Brave?
28:45Aye.
28:47Did we rip any open?
28:48Aye, we did.
28:49No diamonds.
28:51Anything else?
28:52Oh, various assorted rubbish.
28:54Oh, and finally, nearly eight hundred boxes of chocolates.
28:57So much for West End Central.
28:59Dual fence.
29:01Martha Daly wouldn't recognise the Koh-inor if it jumped up and bit him.
29:04Aye.
29:04But what are we going to do about him and the can, eh?
29:07Oh, I don't know.
29:08Nothing to Sammy.
29:10Let him sweat for a bit.
29:32Hello, Dave.
29:33It's Julie, Terry's friend.
29:36Well, the word is they've been nicked by Chisholm.
29:39No, no, you wouldn't.
29:40He's one of our local black spots masquerading as a police officer.
29:44You've been over to Amsterdam lately?
29:47Do what?
29:48You heard Mr. Tissen.
29:50Do we need Pinocchio in here?
29:52If you're trying to wind me up, I can.
29:55You are succeeding.
29:57Why are we being held?
29:58Because I find you're invigorating company.
30:00Now shut it.
30:04Well, have you been over to Amsterdam lately?
30:07No, I haven't.
30:09What about Hamburg?
30:12Well, it's a very interesting area about your holidays.
30:14But I've got better things to do.
30:16Terry, sit down.
30:18There's a good lad.
30:21Look, Mr. Chisholm, I haven't been abroad since the summer
30:24when I took early indoors to Tom and Alina's for holiday.
30:27Look, while we're sitting here chatting, my political destiny awaits, you know.
30:30Time and time wait for no man.
30:32I've got a rally to address.
30:34What is he rabbiting about?
30:35He's fighting the local borough election.
30:38You what?
30:39Standing as an independent on the issue of law and order.
30:44Law and order?
30:46One of the most dishonest people in my manner
30:49has got the bare-faced audacity to stink.
30:52Law and order?
30:53I bet you will have to get on the police committee to sort me out, are you?
30:57Thought never entered my mind, Mr. Chisholm.
30:59But if I can help, I'll be happy to oblige.
31:02Look, I've got a following up there, you know.
31:04I'm supposed to be at St. Stephen's Church Hall.
31:06How is the uncut diamond business these days?
31:10He's cracking up, isn't he?
31:12Must be male menopause.
31:17Are you holding Arthur Daly and Terry McCann?
31:20Look, I know nothing about diamonds, rubies, pearls, any precious stones.
31:24I mean, do I look like a man who buys hooky-top?
31:26Well, frankly, no.
31:28But I am acting upon information received.
31:31Well, your snout sold your pig in a poke, ain't he?
31:34Now, listen.
31:38Yes.
31:40Right now, I will come out and tell her where to get off.
31:43Proper little star, aren't we?
31:45Another reporter anxious for your golden words.
31:49Make a note of any conversation.
31:55I've already told your colleague, Miss, I have no statement to make at this stage.
31:59Firstly, you haven't been speaking to any colleague of mine.
32:02Secondly, I don't care the stuff what you want to say.
32:05And thirdly, if you don't release Daly and McCann or give me a very good reason why you're holding them,
32:10I'll get your name splashed right across the front page.
32:13Of the local rag?
32:15I think you're overestimating the power of the press.
32:18Not the local rag.
32:19I work in Fleet Street.
32:21Here's my card.
32:23Now, at the moment, I'm convinced you are wrongfully and illegally holding those two.
32:27That is the way my story will run, unless, of course, you can persuade me differently.
32:34Would you care to see them?
32:39Second door on the left.
32:45Would you get me this number and put it through to my office?
32:49Is it all right to talk?
32:51Eh?
32:52Oh, yeah, don't worry about him. He's Welsh.
32:55I've threatened Chisholm with a story on your wrongful arrest.
32:58What, in your local rag?
33:00Oh, my God.
33:01She's trying to help you.
33:02Oh, yeah, I can see that.
33:03Me on the front page alongside Vickers who've taken a lorry ride to shame.
33:07That's all I need for my political career, isn't it?
33:09Listen, if she doesn't get us out in time for this meeting tonight, you won't have any political career.
33:14You're supposed to be at that church hall in half an hour.
33:18Right. Just checking.
33:22On the one hand, we have the big white chief from West End Central who wants me to transform Arthur
33:27Daly into raffles.
33:29On the other, we have an investigative journalist who wants to serve me up on a plate to 13 million
33:34readers.
33:36I would say that you were on the proverbial horn.
33:39On the proverbial dilemma.
33:40Good.
33:46I've just had to work with your editor.
33:48Seems a nice chap.
33:49He is.
33:50Till he gets angry.
33:51Oh, of course.
33:53Well, you are free to go.
33:57I'm afraid I have further questions to put to you.
34:01Do what?
34:01Hold on. What about his political meeting tonight?
34:04I am, of course, aware of the importance of that.
34:06I'm sure Miss Waters, you and your editor would agree that criminal investigation must come before political interest.
34:12Very clever.
34:14Terry, Julie, you can't leave me here.
34:16I'm afraid they can and must, Mr Daly.
34:18You heard that. He called me mister.
34:21If any false confessions are beaten out of me, you are to inform the world of my present condition.
34:26You think you must understand, Miss Waters, Mr Daly does suffer from mild paranoia from time to time.
34:31You are well out of order, Chisholm.
34:32Yeah, but why are you holding him?
34:34To assist us with our inquiries.
34:36Being so strong on law and order, you want to assist us, don't you?
34:40I wish to attend a political rally. I need to be present to answer their questions.
34:44If you've finished answering my questions, you might get around to answering theirs.
34:51Terry?
34:59I think I'd rather be back at the nick.
35:01Relax, Terry. It'll be all right.
35:03It'll be all right.
35:03What happens if you don't show up?
35:05Here, tell.
35:06Hello, Dave.
35:07Any news?
35:08No.
35:09It's like waiting for the second coming, isn't it?
35:10I hope he's not going to take as long as that.
35:12Yeah.
35:15What's the matter?
35:17He's got a good nose for trouble, that one.
35:19Don't like him, do you?
35:20Not a lot.
35:22Professional jealousy.
35:23Neither do I.
35:26Face is familiar.
35:27Penny won't drop.
35:29You've got it all wrong.
35:31The scandals are supposed to start after you get elected.
35:34You're always first with a new angle.
35:36Look, Mr Chisholm, whatever else I am, I'm not an international diamond fence.
35:40I know that, Arthur.
35:42Well, why don't you let me go, then?
35:43Well, firstly, you won't look too good on the file.
35:45If my superior see I let you go too soon, it looks as though I don't take their tip off
35:50seriously.
35:51You can see my dilemma.
35:53Oh, yeah.
35:54And, of course, there are other matters, like all those bloody boxes of chocolates.
35:58Even there, I've got a problem.
35:59Yeah?
36:00Well, yeah.
36:01I don't know whether to do you for receiving bent chocolates that have seen better days
36:05or charge you with contravention of the Health Act.
36:43Well, thanks very much for coming, obviously.
36:46And for those of you who don't know me, who I didn't meet on your front doorsteps,
36:50my name is Terry McCann.
36:51Where's Arthur Daley?
36:52We want Daley.
36:54And I'm very glad to hear it, sir.
36:58All you've got to do is vote for him on polling day, all right?
37:03Now, I'm very sorry, but Arthur, Mr Daley, has been unavoidably detained.
37:08How can we vote for a man who can't even be bothered to attend his own political rally?
37:13He'll be here. Don't worry about that, sunshine.
37:17And in the meantime, Terry and I will take questions from the floor.
37:21We don't want the monkeys, we want the organ grinder!
37:33Sounds like they're coming for you, McCann!
37:36You done this on purpose, didn't you, Mr Chisholm?
37:45Have a listen, everyone wants to be a politician, don't they?
37:49Hold on, hold on, here he is.
37:51Here he is, your main man, your very own, Arthur Daley!
37:56Let's hear it!
38:01Yeah, look what happened to Nixon!
38:07Arthur Daley!
38:12Apologies, ladies and gentlemen. Apologies.
38:14But you know, you know what these TV interviewers are like.
38:17Always finding an extra question just when you want to say goodnight.
38:20TV cameras more important than voters, are they?
38:23Why don't you shut it before someone else does?
38:25That'll do, Terence, that'll do.
38:26Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to move a vote of thanks to our local police force,
38:31who leapt into the breach to make sure I got here all right tonight.
38:34Ladies and gentlemen, please show your appreciation of one of my greatest supporters, Detective Sergeant Chisholm.
38:43Well, come on, Mr Chisholm, stand up and take a bow.
38:48Come on, Mr Chisholm, on your flat feet.
38:52Just a little joke.
39:01Ladies and gentlemen, what Mr Chisholm did tonight in helping me out is a perfect example of one of this
39:12borough's most pressing needs.
39:13Greater cooperation between us law-abiding citizens and our intrepid boys in blue.
39:21Because, remember, we not only pay our rates, we also pay their wages.
39:28Waste of time staying in there. He's got them in the palm of his hand.
39:32This is getting serious. He actually makes sense.
39:35Yeah, I don't like it, Alex. I don't like it at all.
39:37All that integrity and commitment could cause havoc in the town hall.
39:41I can't understand why the police let him go.
39:44Perhaps they couldn't find anything to hold him on.
39:46Well, that must have been something.
39:48Our only hope now is Lent's smear piece on election day.
39:51He's dug up some very useful skeletons.
39:55We must make sure that all the canvassers of the polling station just happen to be reading the local paper.
40:00I need a stiff drink after that.
40:05Now, the people who've been running this borough for years have been swallowing for interest.
40:19Now, if you return me as councillor, this misuse of public funds will cease instantly.
40:29Hello, news desk, please.
40:33Hello, Tim. It's Judy Waters.
40:35Yes, yes, the feature's going fine.
40:37Tell me, what do you know about a reporter called Geoff Lent?
40:41What was it you wanted to add to the interview, then?
40:44Ah, in the fullness of time, Mr Lent. In the fullness of time.
40:48What's happened to those two?
40:50Perhaps they've stopped for a naughty.
40:52Never.
40:54Not before polling day.
40:56Oh, thank God.
40:58Well, there you are. We've run out.
41:01Ah, I like a man.
41:03Who likes a drink?
41:07There we go.
41:09No, no, we've just had tea, thanks.
41:10Tea?
41:11Hmm.
41:12That's the trouble with the younger generation.
41:16Cheers, Mr Lent.
41:17Cheers.
41:18You're supposed to say it with your glass in your hand.
41:20Cheers.
41:20Cheers.
41:21Ha, ha, ha.
41:24Got a loo here?
41:26Yeah, yeah, straight through to the lounge.
41:33You sure this is going to work?
41:35Well, you heard what Julie said, didn't you?
41:37He's one of the great drinkers of Fleet Street.
41:39He has been fired off more papers than you've had at dinners.
41:42All you have to do is keep him drunk until polling day
41:45so that he can't finish that hatchet job on you.
41:47That's the day after tomorrow.
41:49So you're getting the Guinness Book of Records, won't you?
41:51I don't even like scotch.
41:54Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart
42:03And you'll never walk alone
42:10You'll never walk alone
42:17Have another one, Geoff.
42:20What is this life if we're on care?
42:22We haven't got times written over here.
42:25Shut up.
42:25Do you think Arthur will stand the pace?
42:27What?
42:28He's been training for this event for 30 years.
42:31Walk on, walk on.
42:33Walk on...
42:35Walk on, walk on.
42:55Pull on, walk on.
43:02Saint Fred
43:12Where are they?
43:13Arthur! Arthur!
43:14Oh.
43:17Oh.
43:20Oh.
43:22Oh, Terry.
43:23I can't go on.
43:25I'll add it, Terry.
43:26I'll make you a nice cup of tea.
43:29Yeah, and I'll put a nice large whiskey in it.
43:31Shall I?
43:31Oh, Terry, not even in jest.
43:34Terry, I'll add it.
43:36You just have to let that dipsomaniac do his worst in the local ragger.
43:40At least I'll keep my liver.
43:42It's finished.
43:43I know.
43:44I've got to keep telling you.
43:45No, I mean, you've done it.
43:48It's polling day.
43:50You've won the drinking competition.
43:52Now let's see about the election.
43:53Oh.
44:18Good morning.
44:19Good morning.
44:20Welcome aboard.
44:21Good morning.
44:22Good morning.
44:22Nice to have you with us.
44:23Good morning.
44:23How's it going, then?
44:24Well, so far, seven of these signs, three handshakes, and one silly cow thinks they ought to be repatriated.
44:28Have I had time for the first hand-in?
44:30Eh?
44:31This gentleman signed your petition down at Winchester.
44:33Oh, oh, all in good time, sir.
44:35All in good time.
44:35Forget the whipping.
44:36No, no, I won't.
44:37Forget the whipping.
44:38I have already told you, sir, there was no jewellery.
44:43No, I admit we did not rip open all the tyres on his second-hand cars, but we find that
44:47sort of behaviour not generally appreciated in this part of London.
44:51The only dodgy items were a quantity of chocolates.
44:55The matter is under review.
45:00I see, sir.
45:01Very well.
45:06Somebody wants Daley very badly, indeed.
45:09So what are we going to do?
45:13Good morning.
45:14Vote Daley.
45:16Have you voted?
45:16Of course I have.
45:29Have you come to vote?
45:31I was asked you both to accompany me to the station.
45:33I'm sure you'll come quietly, won't you?
45:35What are you talking about?
45:36What's the charge?
45:38Chocolates.
45:38Doing you both for receiving.
45:40I told you I paid cash for them.
45:42What would we want with a load of Nick chocolates?
45:44I can.
45:45Sometimes I wonder about you.
45:47It's a seller, of course.
45:48To make a quick profit.
45:50Oh, yeah?
45:50Then how come we give them all away, eh?
45:52Would seem a bit silly, wouldn't it?
45:54You what?
45:55He's right.
45:55We did give them away.
45:56Tell that to the jury.
45:58Hold on, hold on.
45:59Staying out.
46:00Gartner, could you come here a minute, please?
46:02I ain't seen anyone hang yet.
46:04No, it's been put off till later.
46:05Did you like the chocolates?
46:06Certainly did.
46:07They did wonders for my gout.
46:09Would you mind telling this nice man how much we charged you for him?
46:12Charge me?
46:13Don't be silly.
46:14You gave them to me.
46:15And we've got hundreds more like him all over the borough.
46:19Come on, Jones.
46:22Hey, guys.
46:23You have a secret head for him.
46:25Right, he's here.
46:26Half the daily.
46:27Come on in.
46:30Come on, Arthur.
46:31What's the day?
46:33William Christopher Arnold.
46:34Conservative.
46:36331.
46:37Anthony Wesley Billingham.
46:39Labour.
46:40568.
46:42Sebastian Francis Crumpet.
46:43The monster-raving loony party.
46:4627.
46:48Arthur Edward Daly.
46:491,483.
46:53I declare Arthur Edward Daly the newly elected member of the year.
46:58Ladies and gentlemen,
47:00loyal party members and my host.
47:04I don't know what to say.
47:06How about the drinks are on me, eh?
47:07Yeah, that's a good one.
47:08Give them all a double on me, Dave.
47:10I couldn't have done it without you two, you know.
47:12Cheers.
47:12How's it feel then, councillor?
47:14Councillor, eh?
47:15Heard indoors, I want a new frock for when I get swore in.
47:17And this is only the beginning, Terry.
47:19Cheers, Dave.
47:20Hold on.
47:20What do you two want?
47:22You mustn't take it all so personally, McCann.
47:24It's only politics.
47:25Yeah, and this is only members, so on your bike.
47:27No, no, no, Terry, that'll do.
47:28That'll do.
47:28Well, I suppose your lot and his lot are now going to try and corrupt me with lucrative blandishments.
47:33Oh, no, we won't.
47:35You won't?
47:35No.
47:37You are going to be disqualified, and there'll have to be another election.
47:41What stroke are you pulling this time?
47:43Not us.
47:43You did it to yourself.
47:45You what?
47:46Overspending on your election campaign.
47:48It's a very serious event, you know.
47:50Automatic disqualification.
47:52Overspending him?
47:52You've got to be kidding, haven't you?
47:53Oh, no, we're not.
47:55You see, we've just finished adding up the cost of all those boxes of chocolates you gave away.
47:59Those chocolates weren't for eating.
48:01They were for buying and selling, like the sardines in the Second World War.
48:05Sardines?
48:06Yeah.
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