- 3 weeks ago
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00:00The following programme contains strong language and adult humour.
00:58The following programme contains strong language and adult humour.
00:59Are you all crammed in, though? Do you feel crammed in?
01:03Anyway.
01:06Oh, no, it's lovely to be at...
01:07Do you know, I'm in this weird stage where...
01:09Cos I've been doing quite a lot of TV. Have you noticed?
01:13Is that why you're here?
01:16I'm getting recognised in the street now, but I'm not used to it yet.
01:20And I walked in this pub to see my friends, and there was a woman staring at me.
01:23I thought, what are you fucking looking at?
01:26Oh, it's me.
01:27And I was trying to act like Kate Winslet.
01:29And I was like, I'll do it.
01:31Like, I was outside.
01:33Do you know Matalan?
01:35Do you know Mat...
01:37Have you been in it?
01:39Cos you're not actually from here, are you?
01:42From...
01:43No.
01:44Where are you from?
01:47Who's come the fairest?
01:49Florida.
01:51You've come from Florida.
01:55You're not going to be able to understand a word, that's it.
01:59People in Cheltenham can't understand whereabouts in Florida.
02:05Oh, I love it there.
02:07Have you heard of Disney World?
02:10You should go there.
02:13You're Bob.
02:14Anyway.
02:16Yeah, so, do you know what Matalan is?
02:18I have to.
02:20Oh, have you?
02:21It's just a shit shop.
02:25And a woman stopped me, and she was like, oh, I'm your biggest fan.
02:28I said, oh, yeah.
02:29She said, can I have a picture?
02:30And I said, oh, yeah.
02:31And she went, no, with my baby.
02:32And she handed me a baby.
02:35And then she realised that her mobile phone was still in the car, so she went back for
02:39it.
02:40And she left me with her baby.
02:43And then another lady came up to me, and she said, oh, you were that woman off Bake Off?
02:47And I said, yeah.
02:48And she said, oh, what's your baby called?
02:49I said, I don't know whose it is.
02:55It's such a weird life.
02:56And then I've got, like, fans.
02:58I've got, like, super fans that stand outside of shows waiting for me.
03:02They're all men of a similar age.
03:06They live with their mothers.
03:09And when the mothers die, they want me to wear their clothes.
03:16That's who my fans are.
03:20I'm not joking.
03:22Are they in?
03:24Especially on the front row.
03:26Are they, oh, this poor guy, he'd been waiting for me in the rain.
03:30And he'd had this, like, A3, you know, like, professional photo of me done.
03:34And he was there with a sharpie.
03:35And he was like, oh, can you sign it?
03:36I said, oh, yeah.
03:37And he said, to Mark.
03:38And I went to do it.
03:39And he said, with a K.
03:40And I wrote, cack.
03:48It's so sad.
03:49They keep asking me to do quiz shows.
03:52I did, you know, Michael McIntyre's The Wheel.
03:55Did you see it?
03:57God, did you?
03:59I lost someone £98,000.
04:10And then, do you know, when they go back down in the ground,
04:15he went back down in the ground and he looked up at me and he said,
04:18I've had a lovely day, thank you.
04:21I would have slapped me.
04:24But I do think it's gone to my head a bit as well, you know, like, being on TV and
04:29stuff.
04:30Because I've got a PA now.
04:32It sounds really good, you know, on emails.
04:34And you're like, oh, my PA forgot to do that.
04:38It is just my best friend, Jackie.
04:40And she's just at home in her pyjamas on her laptop.
04:44She's really organised.
04:45She's the only person I know.
04:47She does a white wash, a dark wash and a leopard print wash.
04:53I know, it's funny too.
04:54But we had this real to-do.
04:56I'd been in Tenerife with some friends and I flew back, you know, to Manchester.
05:00Like, on my own, they flew back to London.
05:02And that flight's like four hours long, isn't it?
05:04And I got used to, you know, to, like, all-inclusive, Buffy meals.
05:08I was really hungry on the flight.
05:10And my card wouldn't work in the chip and pin machine.
05:13And all I wanted was, you know, on them EasyJet flights.
05:16You know, just the, like, snack boxes.
05:18There's nothing to them, is there?
05:20And I tried four times with the lady.
05:22She wouldn't just let me have them.
05:25And then I called her back over.
05:26And I'm sorry if this offends anybody.
05:29I said, um, I'm diabetic.
05:33And so she went and got me it.
05:35And she came back and she knelt next to me.
05:38She said, why didn't you say something?
05:41And I thought, I hadn't thought of it the first time.
05:46She did.
05:48And then the lady next to me, she overheard and she gave me a sweets.
05:53I only fancied savouring.
05:56And then when we landed, the air hostesses, they were Googling me, I'm sure of it.
06:01They were going like this and then looking.
06:02And I thought, shit.
06:03So I rang Jackie and I said, go on my Wikipedia.
06:08Put the same diabetic.
06:11And then when I was waiting for my suitcase, I was, like, you know, looking through it.
06:14It was, like, early life and career and stuff.
06:17And then at the bottom she just put, and she's diabetic.
06:25But I do really like gigging in London, even though I'm from the north.
06:30Sometimes I prefer it, actually.
06:32And what I've found is, because I've been doing a lot of southern dates recently,
06:36that southern people, it's just, like, a generalisation,
06:40are more intelligent.
06:44That's what I've found.
06:46And that's why they're paid more.
06:50That's all the north-south gap is.
06:54And if you are northern and you're intelligent, then you move down.
07:00Is that OK to say that?
07:04Brain drain.
07:05It's a bit...
07:06Yeah, but it's the only place...
07:08Can you cut that bit out?
07:11Can you start from now?
07:13Put everything I've just said out.
07:15But, no, but it's still the only place, London,
07:18where someone takes the piss out of my accent.
07:20And I was walking down Oxford Street with a friend,
07:22and this guy overheard me, and he was, like,
07:24Whoa, where's your accent from? It's mental.
07:26And I was, like, Hull on the East Coast.
07:28And he was, like, Say East Coast again.
07:30I was, like, East Coast.
07:32And he went, Oh, bless you.
07:37And he had no legs.
07:48It's true.
07:51And then, you know, when you're from a really distinctive place,
07:54like, you get really homesick, don't you?
07:56And I couldn't wait... I've been in London for ages,
07:58and I couldn't wait to get back, you know, to Hull.
08:00I always say it's full of warm-hearted, confrontational people.
08:05And I got a train back, and I got out at the station,
08:08and I went and got a pasty, you know, from Greg's.
08:12And the woman said, Do you like Greg's?
08:15Which is your favourite pasty?
08:17I like the vegan sausage roll.
08:19That's the wrong answer, isn't it?
08:23This guy, this guy's so pissed off with me.
08:27I went and got a pasty from Greg's.
08:29And the woman said to me,
08:30And what can I do for you, my little angel?
08:34And knowing that lovely...
08:35And she handed me it, and she said,
08:37Now, you take good care, me darling.
08:39I know.
08:40And I took it, and I got in a taxi.
08:42And he went, Don't be fucking eating that in here!
08:49And I thought, Oh, it's good to be home.
08:53But it's really changed.
08:55It's like a lot of these northern cities.
08:56They've had a lot of regeneration.
08:58And there's an area called Humber Street,
09:00and it was quite rough.
09:01It was, like, you know, disused, like, fruit market,
09:04you know, like, warehouses and stuff.
09:06And now it's trying to be, like, Dalston.
09:10It's not quite there yet, but...
09:12And this is, like, an independent art gallery.
09:15And I went, cos they had an exhibition of a sculpture
09:17of an upside-down vagina...
09:23..smoking a cigarette.
09:25I know if you can imagine that.
09:28And I went in, and I said, Oh, how much is it, you know,
09:30to get in?
09:30And she said, Oh, it's a £12.50.
09:32I was like, Bloody hell.
09:33And there was a woman mopping next to me here.
09:36And she went, I'll do that round the back for a fiver.
09:42Oh, it's not chained too much.
09:45And it's got its own train line, you know, Hull Trains.
09:48And it's amazing, so you know all the strikes.
09:51It's not been affected, cos it's like a private train company.
09:54And, do you know, I wouldn't be here without it,
09:57cos it meant I could work in London, cos they had a ticket
09:59that was £25, you know, just one, like, a return ticket.
10:03And, do you know, when it first began, Hull Trains,
10:06it coincided with all the Mecca bingos shutting,
10:09and all the staff moved on to Hull Trains.
10:13The tannoy announcements.
10:16I wish I recorded them.
10:18They were hilarious.
10:19There was this one train I was on, and we was coming back to Hull,
10:22and it had been a way game, you know, with Hull City,
10:24and all the, like, football hooligans had, like,
10:27taken over this one carriage, and it was carnage.
10:30And we pulled into the station, and the train lady,
10:32she locked all the doors, and she came on the tannoy and said,
10:36Can I just say to those lads in Coach B, giving it loads and loads,
10:40Darren Glover, I know your mammy's.
10:48But I still talk about it a lot, you know, cos it's like my muse,
10:52cos I go back and something funny happens.
10:55Do you know, I had this job once, and I think about it all the time,
10:58you know, like, when I'm on, like, a long journey,
11:00or, like, can't get to sleep?
11:02I worked in Comet Electricals, do you remember?
11:05And I sold 3D TVs, and I told everyone they were the future.
11:13They're not, I think it's...
11:15It's been overtaken, hasn't it?
11:18I even sold the glasses separately.
11:23It's awful, isn't it?
11:24And I was there, and this guy walked in, you know,
11:27through the electric doors,
11:29and he walked in with his arms like this.
11:31And I thought, isn't that weird if...
11:34You know, shame for him, if that's what's wrong with you.
11:38And she went...
11:39And he walked up to a TV and did this.
11:45And then I heard him say,
11:46oh, it won't fit, and he walked out.
11:55Do you think his wife drove him?
11:58Oh, dear.
12:02Did he get the bus?
12:06He wasn't near any houses.
12:10We just don't know, do we?
12:13But, no, like, when I first began doing stand-up,
12:15like, no-one knew where Hull was.
12:18Like, someone thought it was near the Shetlands.
12:21And I did this Radio 4 interview...
12:23I mean, Radio 4, I mean, you know Radio 4,
12:26but even back then...
12:27Like, I don't think the interviewer had ever met
12:30a working-class Northern person before.
12:33And he said to me,
12:34Lucy, tell me about Hull.
12:38LAUGHTER
12:39And I said,
12:40well, it's got Zumba classes you can smoke in.
12:45LAUGHTER
12:49And then, when we were waiting for the lift after the interview,
12:53he said, that was so clever how you made that joke up.
12:56How do you construct something like that?
12:58I said, well, I just walked past a Zumba class
13:01and they were smoking.
13:03I said, it's a bit like I walked into this pub
13:06and there was a woman over here with a top-off
13:08and all these men, like, stood, like, jeering around her.
13:10And my friend said, don't look.
13:12And I said, why?
13:13And she said, it's your man.
13:14LAUGHTER
13:19And he said to me, but that's not true.
13:20I said, yeah.
13:21I said, what happened was the DJ wouldn't stop playing Chumba Wumba,
13:25so she got her tits out on the turntable.
13:28LAUGHTER
13:32And he looked at me, the only way I can describe the look
13:36was how, like, a Victorian family might look at a chimney sweep.
13:41LAUGHTER
13:42That makes sense.
13:46I feel like, have you got children?
13:49Yes.
13:50It's awful, isn't it?
13:52LAUGHTER
13:52Is anyone thinking about having kids?
13:55Some young one.
13:56Have you got children?
13:57No, don't do it.
13:59Have a nice life and die.
14:02LAUGHTER
14:05It's not worth it.
14:07No, cos, obviously, once you've got children,
14:09like, it's unconditional love, isn't it?
14:11But if you had your time again, you wouldn't.
14:14LAUGHTER
14:16And have you noticed that hats and hoods for babies
14:19have always got ears on?
14:20That's cos the manufacturers know that you wish you'd had a cat instead.
14:24LAUGHTER
14:25And I've learnt a lot about young people since I've been a parent.
14:29I've learnt that if a child under the age of seven
14:32says that they like olives, they're a twat.
14:37LAUGHTER
14:44My daughter, she's lovely,
14:46but we live in quite a posh village, you know, in Yorkshire,
14:50so she's not got, you know, like a northern accent.
14:53But every now and again, there's like a language barrier between us.
14:57I was doing a buffet cos I had friends coming over
14:59and I was, like, really excited.
15:00I was like, oh, I'm in hosting mode.
15:02And I was like, oh, I'm the hostess with the mostess.
15:04You know, like that.
15:05She looked like that.
15:05I was like, hosting mode.
15:06And she turned to her dad and said,
15:08what is she saying?
15:09LAUGHTER
15:11And then it happened, she had this play date
15:13with her friend, Seb, Sebby, Sebastian, lovely boy,
15:17and we walked him back, me and my daughter,
15:19and we'd go across this field.
15:21And I said, go on, look at all these Merlels.
15:24There's loads.
15:27But there was loads of them.
15:28I was like, there's a Merlel, there's a Merlel.
15:31And they just looked at each other and went, I don't know.
15:34LAUGHTER
15:36And he's learning Mandarin after school, he understands that.
15:41And it was like something out of Uniblight.
15:43And he said, I'll find out.
15:44What are you saying, Elsie's mum?
15:48And I said, Merlel.
15:50Like that.
15:51And then, do you know, when you hear your voice
15:53backing someone else, he said to her,
15:55she's saying, Merlel.
15:57LAUGHTER
16:03Well, she's really sharp as well, my daughter.
16:06I was brought up quite spiritual, you know, by my mum,
16:09and so I'm trying to do the same with her.
16:10And I was showing her, you know how you burn sage
16:12in the living room to get rid of negative energy?
16:15And she said, don't mum, my dad will disappear.
16:18LAUGHTER
16:20APPLAUSE
16:23I take her to Sunday school.
16:25People can't believe it, but in our village, there's a church,
16:28but it's not churchy, it's got a rock band and stuff,
16:30and she really loves it.
16:33I mean, when I say rock band, you know what I mean, too.
16:37But, you know...
16:40It's on TV, isn't it?
16:42This is all I mean.
16:43But...
16:44LAUGHTER
16:46Anyway.
16:49But she loves it.
16:50And she had one of these sessions,
16:51and the lady who runs it, she stopped me afterwards
16:54and she said, can I just tell you what happened?
16:56It's OK, it's nothing to worry about.
16:58It's just, you just should know,
17:00we were talking about the Bible in a child-friendly way,
17:03and I said to the children, you know,
17:05about the tooth fairy and Father Christmas,
17:07and I said, can you think of anything else
17:09that you can't see but you just know is there?
17:13And the daughter put her hand up and said,
17:15my bumhole?
17:17LAUGHTER
17:29But she's not wrong, is she?
17:31There's no problem with it.
17:34But she's had this amazing effect on my mum and dad,
17:37cos they divorced when I was two,
17:39which was the right thing to do.
17:42But they don't...
17:43You know, they don't spend time together,
17:45and they do now, you know, with my daughter,
17:46and we had this, like, lovely day
17:47where we was in Hebden Bridge.
17:49Have you heard of it?
17:50You know, where they film Happy Valley.
17:53It is like that.
17:57Behind the scenes.
17:58And we were there, and my mum and dad
18:00were, like, laughing and joking with each other and stuff,
18:02and it was really nice,
18:03and we walked my mum back to the station,
18:05and she gave my dad this, like, massive hug,
18:07and I thought, God, I've never seen her hugging before.
18:10And then, as she went, my dad turned to me and said,
18:14she's nicked my wallet.
18:16I don't believe it.
18:19But we did...
18:20We used to live there,
18:21cos we lived in Surrey, you know, Serbiton,
18:23and I had my daughter down there,
18:25and I had her in my arms, we were on the train,
18:27and these two teenage girls got on,
18:29and they sat near me,
18:30and they said to each other,
18:31are you going to Serbo?
18:33And the other one was like, yeah, like that.
18:35And I looked down at this little angel,
18:38and I thought, you are not talking like that.
18:44So we moved to West Yorkshire,
18:46and then she got into Peppa Pig
18:48and ended up sounding like a young Princess Margaret.
18:53Fucking hell, we could have stayed in Surrey
18:55and made her watch Kez over and over again.
19:01I've seen the film.
19:03That's where we met Emma and Damien, my neighbours,
19:07and they were in Meet the Richardsons.
19:08Have you seen it?
19:11And they're my best friends still.
19:13Lovely, very different people, country living.
19:17Before we moved in, they'd never had a raisin.
19:22No, honestly, and I said to them,
19:24why have you never had a raisin?
19:26And they just looked at each other and went,
19:28we never fancied one.
19:30And then I had them round to my house,
19:32and I just did, you know, nachos.
19:34I just did nachos, you know,
19:35under the grill with cheese and stuff.
19:37And they went, oh, come in here with your London ways
19:39and your warm crisps.
19:45And then apparently,
19:46I had a receipt that blew into their garden
19:49because I don't put the lid down on the recycling properly.
19:51And do you know what they did with it?
19:53They pinned it on the fridge
19:54and they invited the village over
19:57because it was for a meal that we had in the West End
20:00and they couldn't believe how much we paid for it.
20:05We were so shocked.
20:07And they lived next to a couple called Helen and Howard
20:10and Helen had a chicken called Brenda
20:13and for five years,
20:15I called Helen the name of a chicken.
20:19And she never told me.
20:21And when it was Helen's 50th,
20:22I wrote in a card to Brenda.
20:26I thought the chicken was called Helen
20:28and at a party,
20:30I had this ridiculous conversation with a sister
20:33where a sister was like,
20:34oh, are you good friends with Helen, aren't you?
20:39And I thought, you silly cow.
20:41I was like,
20:42nothing to say to someone.
20:44I said, no, I've looked after her once.
20:50I said, she likes it when you stroke her head
20:53while she's feeding.
20:57And then the chicken died.
21:00I know.
21:01Do you know, they buried it.
21:03They was going to cremate it,
21:04but they thought it smelled too nice.
21:09I was really lucky
21:11because we got to spend lockdown there.
21:13And it's lovely, you know,
21:14because it's like rolling hills
21:15and countryside and stuff.
21:17And apparently,
21:18that's when like comics were meant to gather
21:20like most of the material
21:21because the lockdown, you know,
21:22in a domestic city.
21:24Nothing funny happened.
21:26The only thing that's worth telling you about
21:28is, you know,
21:29that nice bit
21:30where everyone was still dying
21:31but it was sunny.
21:40I grew crests.
21:42We all got a paddling pool.
21:45That bit.
21:45Every morning,
21:46I'd open the curtains
21:47and I'd look down on the lawn
21:48and there was a little bed there
21:50in the same place.
21:50And I couldn't wait to wake up,
21:52you know,
21:52and I'd go,
21:52oh, hello,
21:53like that.
21:53And I'd go downstairs
21:54and go,
21:55oh, that little bed was there again.
21:56And then one morning,
21:57I looked
21:58and it weren't moving.
21:59So I went out onto the lawn
22:01to where it was.
22:02It was a fucking mushroom.
22:12And then the only other thing
22:14that happened
22:14was that my daughter
22:15really changed.
22:16She became like more knowing
22:17like when she hit like four
22:18and then I took to her in bed
22:20and turned out the light
22:21and she just said,
22:22mummy,
22:23like that.
22:23And I came back
22:24and she just put her hand,
22:25you know,
22:26on my cheek
22:26and she whispered in my ear,
22:28I hate you and your cooking.
22:40I've noticed
22:41now she's seven,
22:42I've become like a role model.
22:44She's like emulating me.
22:46Like she's got my mannerisms
22:47and stuff.
22:48I thought she'd pick
22:48like a blue Peter presenter.
22:51I didn't use my mum
22:53as a role model.
22:55But I'm trying now,
22:57you know,
22:57not to be like scatty
22:58in front of her.
22:59And it's really hard.
23:00I don't want her to,
23:01you know,
23:01think that that's cool.
23:03And then we had this to do.
23:05I was trying to get her
23:06out the house
23:06and I couldn't find
23:07my mobile phone.
23:08I was trying not to flap
23:09and I thought,
23:10oh,
23:10I'll just ring it,
23:11you know,
23:11from the house phone.
23:12So I did,
23:13you know,
23:14rang it and found it.
23:15It was just under the bed.
23:16And I was like,
23:16oh,
23:16come on then,
23:16let's go put your shoes on.
23:17I was like,
23:18oh,
23:18wait a minute.
23:19I've got a missed call.
23:23Has anyone done this?
23:26I could see it was
23:27a local number.
23:30And I thought
23:30it might be doctors.
23:32So I rang it back.
23:37The house phone went off.
23:40I thought,
23:41what's the chance of that?
23:41Because it never goes off.
23:43So I picked it up.
23:46And they'd put the phone down.
23:52So I pressed 1471.
23:56And she said,
23:58she said my number,
23:59but,
24:00you know,
24:00in a different rhythm.
24:06It wasn't my number.
24:09So I rang it back.
24:11And my mobile went off.
24:14And then my daughter
24:16got both handsets
24:17and went,
24:17this has to stop.
24:28I'm noticing,
24:30like,
24:30because I was brought up
24:31in the 80s,
24:32it was a lot harsher,
24:33like parenting and stuff.
24:34And I'm soft as a brush with her.
24:37But every now and again
24:37it just comes out.
24:39And we saw this ladybird.
24:40And I was like,
24:41oh,
24:41look,
24:41I know a nursery rhyme
24:42about this.
24:43They used to tell me.
24:44It goes,
24:44ladybird,
24:45ladybird,
24:46fly away home.
24:47Your house is on fire.
24:48Your children have gone.
24:54She just went,
24:55and?
24:57I just thought,
24:58that's what they told me,
24:59so you're just going to have
25:00to deal with it.
25:03But,
25:03like,
25:03I do worry about,
25:04like,
25:04getting older and stuff
25:05like teenage.
25:06Like,
25:06I remember when I was young
25:07and I used to,
25:08like,
25:08walk down the street
25:09and,
25:10like,
25:10you know,
25:10sometimes,
25:10like,
25:11men in white vans
25:12would be like,
25:13oh,
25:13you know,
25:14they'd shout out,
25:15like,
25:15nice bottom sort of thing.
25:17I'd be like,
25:17oh,
25:17God,
25:18not again.
25:19Like that.
25:20But now I'm 40,
25:21if someone wants to do that,
25:23they can.
25:26Now I'd be a bit more like,
25:28oh,
25:28thank you.
25:30My God,
25:31just open the box,
25:32let me in.
25:34Let me in.
25:35Will you have a look
25:36at my tits as well?
25:39Don't be scared.
25:40Stop it.
25:40Calm down.
25:42Just,
25:42I need an outsider's opinion.
25:45I breastfed for 18 months
25:46and she had tea for half of it.
25:50I have now as well.
25:52This is what happens,
25:53doesn't it,
25:53when you become a parent.
25:54I've got,
25:55like,
25:55my real friends
25:56that drink too much
25:57and then I've got mum friends
25:59who I don't like.
26:04I don't like them
26:06or their children.
26:08It's okay to say that.
26:10But we go on,
26:11like,
26:11outings.
26:12We went to this nightclub
26:13in Manchester.
26:15Oh my God,
26:16I've not been in a nightclub
26:17since I was in my 20s.
26:19I went in thinking
26:20everyone would still be
26:20the same age as me.
26:22They were all at 18
26:23and people,
26:25like,
26:25they looked through us.
26:26We were, like,
26:26invisible to everyone
26:28and we were dancing
26:29around our handbags
26:30sometimes.
26:31dance floor
26:32and there was a young lad
26:33over here
26:34and he was dancing,
26:35you know,
26:35with all these, like,
26:36real pretty girls
26:37and do you know
26:37what he was doing?
26:38He was shimmying over to us,
26:41farting
26:41and then going back to them
26:45and he did it three times
26:48and I thought,
26:48I'm going to fucking kill him
26:49and I marched to her friend
26:50and I said,
26:51excuse me, girls.
26:52I said,
26:52you need a poo,
26:53go to the toilet.
27:02And then I'm going on
27:04a lot of bottomless brunches,
27:05like,
27:05now I'm hit 40.
27:07Is anyone else going on
27:09bottomless...
27:10They're going to kill women.
27:14The men,
27:15it's mainly women that go,
27:16but men don't know
27:17how much you drink on them.
27:19I drank more on this
27:20bottomless brunch
27:21than when I went to Kavos
27:22for two weeks.
27:26I sat down
27:27and my friends took it
27:28so seriously,
27:29they went,
27:29are you ready?
27:32Like,
27:33it was Hunger Games.
27:36And honestly,
27:37I drank so much,
27:39I lost my eyesight.
27:42I couldn't see
27:43and I was begging
27:44for them to let me go home.
27:47And they wouldn't let me
27:48until I went to use the toilets
27:50and my legs gave way.
27:52And then I woke up
27:53in this taxi
27:53and I had a bit of quiche
27:55under my chin.
27:57We hadn't been eating quiches.
27:59I think someone
28:00had thrown it at me.
28:02And then I finally got in
28:04and all the lights was on
28:05and I thought,
28:05shit,
28:06I'm in for it.
28:07And I like tiptoed in
28:08and I said,
28:08I'm so sorry,
28:09you know,
28:09you've had to do bedtime
28:10and stuff and you go up,
28:11I'll lock up.
28:12And I'm sorry,
28:13I didn't ring you,
28:13but I lost my charger
28:14and like my battery went.
28:16And he said,
28:17Lucy,
28:17see it's two o'clock
28:18in the afternoon.
28:30When I go back to see
28:32my real friends,
28:33these friends that drink too much
28:34because I'm on telly.
28:36Now,
28:36did I tell you I was on telly?
28:38When I'm on telly,
28:39I feel like I've got to like
28:41splash the cash,
28:42you know,
28:42and like treat everyone
28:43to stuff.
28:44And it was Jackie's fort here
28:45when we went round town,
28:46you know,
28:47in Leeds
28:47and she'd like organise
28:48the hotel rooms and stuff
28:50and I thought,
28:50oh,
28:51what'll be like really lovely
28:52is if I order,
28:53you know,
28:53butler in the buff.
28:56Nothing seedy,
28:57just like,
28:57you know,
28:57to pass us drinks
28:58while we're getting ready
28:59in the hotel room.
29:00And when I got to the hotel room,
29:02I like did it out,
29:03you know,
29:03like with bunting
29:04and stuff like that.
29:05And I think I was imagining,
29:07you know,
29:07like a suite
29:08or like,
29:09you know,
29:09like a rooftop hotel.
29:12You know,
29:12the ibises.
29:15They're so small.
29:17And I was in denial
29:18because there was going to be
29:1910,
29:1940 to 50 year old women
29:21in this room
29:23with this man.
29:26You couldn't even walk
29:27round the bed.
29:30And he texts me
29:31and he said,
29:31oh,
29:31I'm downstairs
29:32in the lobby
29:32and I went to get him.
29:33I thought they'd send
29:35someone age appropriate.
29:36He was 22.
29:39And he had a real baby face
29:41and I was trying
29:41not to look disappointed.
29:43I was trying to interact
29:44with him
29:44like he was a friend's son,
29:46you know.
29:47I was like,
29:47come on then,
29:48let's be having you.
29:51I was babysitting
29:53up the apples
29:53and pears.
29:56And then we got
29:56to the room
29:57and he said,
29:57oh,
29:57where do you want
29:58me to get changed?
29:59And I said,
29:59oh,
30:00just in the bathroom.
30:01And he came out
30:02in a dicky poor tie
30:03and a thong.
30:04And I was like,
30:06oh,
30:06like that.
30:07And then
30:08my friend's text,
30:10you can't write this.
30:11They'd missed
30:12where's the train
30:12from Hull?
30:18I was having to wait
30:19an hour
30:21for another train.
30:22So we sat on the bed
30:23and we watched
30:24Love Your Garden
30:24together.
30:29and then they finally
30:31arrived.
30:31And they knocked
30:32on the door
30:32and he said,
30:33do you want me
30:34to be straddled
30:34on the chair
30:35like that?
30:35And I was like,
30:35no,
30:36no,
30:36no.
30:36I said,
30:37they're all on HRT,
30:38they're not into that
30:38with anyone.
30:40And I said,
30:40go hide in the toilets.
30:42And I was shaking,
30:43I answered the door
30:44and I said,
30:44I've made a terrible mistake.
30:46There's a young boy
30:47in there.
30:53So we all sat
30:54on the bed
30:54and gave him
30:55careers advice.
31:03Jackie has been
31:04single,
31:05like,
31:05for quite,
31:06for years,
31:06basically.
31:07And I always say
31:08to her,
31:08if you see someone
31:09you like,
31:10don't let the
31:11opportunity pass
31:12you by
31:12because you
31:13just don't know,
31:13you know,
31:14when it might
31:14happen again.
31:15And she said
31:16she was on a train
31:16to London
31:17and she took
31:17my advice.
31:18And she saw
31:19this guy
31:20and he was,
31:21like,
31:21French looking.
31:22She said
31:22she really
31:22fancied him.
31:23And so she
31:23went in the
31:24toilets,
31:24you know,
31:25to do her
31:25hair and
31:26make-up
31:26and stuff.
31:27And she said
31:27when she walked
31:28in,
31:28it was like,
31:29Mr Whippy,
31:32coming up
31:33from the bowl.
31:34I know,
31:35like,
31:35literally,
31:36like,
31:36coming up.
31:38I know.
31:39And so she
31:40came back out
31:40quickly,
31:41and she sat
31:41back down.
31:43Then this guy
31:44got up.
31:46I know.
31:46And he did
31:47the same thing,
31:48bless him.
31:48He went in
31:49and he came
31:50straight back out.
31:51And as he
31:51passed her,
31:51she said to
31:52him,
31:52I just did
31:53that.
32:04And he did
32:10For this tour,
32:12my management
32:13company,
32:13they took out
32:14a big advert,
32:15you know,
32:15on Facebook,
32:16and someone
32:17said to another
32:18comment,
32:18he said,
32:18whatever you
32:19do,
32:19don't read
32:20the comments,
32:21you know,
32:21underneath,
32:22because they're
32:22really, like,
32:23far-reaching,
32:23you know,
32:24and you get
32:24a lot of
32:24trolls and
32:25stuff.
32:26So I did.
32:28I read him
32:28and,
32:29do you know,
32:30it was like,
32:30absolutely far.
32:31I don't mind a bit
32:32of banter,
32:33you know,
32:34but there was
32:34just one,
32:35and it really
32:36annoyed me.
32:36This guy
32:37had put,
32:37without being
32:37too crude,
32:38how old are
32:40you?
32:42You're 16.
32:43Sorry,
32:44it's done.
32:45But how,
32:46is this your mum?
32:48How many,
32:53how many,
32:54how many,
32:58has she had
33:00to,
33:02is that all
33:03right?
33:04Is that all
33:04fine?
33:05To get the
33:06career she's
33:07got,
33:08and her,
33:09the answer's
33:10one.
33:17Richard Osman.
33:25Did you not,
33:26did you not
33:27know that?
33:28Everyone has
33:29to.
33:35He's,
33:36he's the
33:36gatekeeper.
33:40He likes me
33:41because I don't
33:41have to kneel.
33:48I'm only joking.
33:52It's a joke.
33:56But,
33:57no,
33:57but it really,
33:58it really bothered
33:58me what this guy
33:59had put,
34:00and so I clicked
34:00on his profile page,
34:01it's so silly of me,
34:03really,
34:03and all the pictures
34:04were just him
34:05in like a boat
34:06with a fish.
34:09Like every single
34:10picture.
34:11And so I wrote
34:11back to him,
34:12you're going to
34:12die alone.
34:15And then I felt
34:16really bad about it
34:17because I thought,
34:18the thing is with
34:18Charles,
34:19you can't see the
34:19background or like
34:20what they've been
34:21through and you
34:22might be a bit
34:23more sympathetic.
34:24So I went back
34:25on to delete it
34:26and he was online
34:28and he put back,
34:29don't you remember
34:29me?
34:30I know,
34:31and I put,
34:32who are you?
34:32He put,
34:33I'm your mum's
34:33cousin.
34:36I'd replied to
34:36the wrong person.
34:42My mum's cousin,
34:43who is a diabetic
34:44and lives on his
34:44own,
34:48would put,
34:49oh,
34:50I can't wait
34:50to see you on tour,
34:51give my love
34:52to your mum.
34:54And I'd put,
34:55you're going to
34:55die alone.
35:00I should have
35:01been banned
35:01from the internet.
35:02I'd have accepted
35:04a police caution
35:05for that.
35:06But I think
35:07everyone my age
35:08and over is
35:09terrible on social
35:10media and everyone
35:11younger is like
35:12the cut off point.
35:13I've got a friend,
35:14Debbie,
35:15that I went to
35:15school with and
35:16she's got all the
35:16social media platforms
35:18and it's just like
35:19close friends and
35:20family, you know,
35:20that follower.
35:21And she tries to
35:22do, you know,
35:23all the like young
35:24people's lingo
35:25and stuff but
35:26she shouldn't get
35:26it right.
35:27And there was
35:27this picture
35:28on Twitter,
35:30she had this
35:30picture of her
35:31husband and
35:32he'd just
35:32finished a shift
35:33at Betfred.
35:35And he's on
35:36the couch with
35:37a can of Stella
35:37and she'd put,
35:39he's my vibes,
35:40he's a warrior,
35:41absolute scenes,
35:43gratitude and
35:44then loads of
35:45praying hands.
35:48I was thinking,
35:49who is she doing
35:50this for?
35:53Because everybody
35:54knows her.
35:55We were chaps.
35:57We used to
35:58smoke Lambert and
35:59Butler and
35:59then have a
36:00Super King
36:00menthol for
36:01dessert.
36:03She used to
36:04have a necklace
36:05round her neck
36:06and she used to
36:06collect the
36:07ring pulls off
36:07cams and put
36:09them on for
36:09every time she
36:10was fingered.
36:16Who is this
36:17language for?
36:19Elon Musk.
36:22And then you've
36:23got the other
36:24end of the
36:24scale where I
36:25had my hair and
36:26makeup done by
36:26this young
36:27makeup artist
36:27and she'd just
36:28turned 18 and
36:29she was saying
36:30she's grown up
36:31with TikTok and
36:32I was like,
36:32oh my God,
36:32that's awful.
36:34And she was
36:35blow drying my
36:36hair and she
36:37suddenly stopped
36:38and she said,
36:39how do you cope
36:40with humanity?
36:42I couldn't believe
36:43it.
36:43And I was like,
36:44oh, well I try to
36:45get in green spaces
36:46and I do yoga.
36:48And she went
36:49like that and
36:49she said, oh
36:49sorry, I mean
36:50humidity.
36:56Thank God.
36:59And I went to
37:00see a lady
37:02doctor and
37:03John said,
37:04you're very
37:05angry and
37:06you're getting
37:07angrier.
37:08So I went to
37:09get tested out.
37:11She was a very
37:11posh doctor.
37:13She was lovely.
37:13And she said to
37:14me, it's okay,
37:16you've got a few
37:16years yet.
37:18But on the
37:19way out,
37:20she was like,
37:20do you think
37:21you're angry
37:22because you're
37:22from Hull?
37:25And it was
37:26like a light bulb
37:27moment.
37:27I was like,
37:28yeah.
37:30God,
37:30of course.
37:31Because I think
37:32it's the basis
37:32of all our
37:33arguments.
37:34Because John's
37:34from Lancaster
37:35and it's like
37:36quite meek,
37:36you know,
37:37there's really
37:38different people
37:39like in general
37:39like quite meek
37:40and polite people
37:41and I'm from
37:42the opposite.
37:43and I was
37:43saying all
37:44my family
37:45now you've
37:45only met
37:46but the
37:46rough ones
37:47are dead.
37:48Because I'm
37:49from a
37:50fishing family
37:50that I used
37:51to hang
37:51around with
37:52trollermen.
37:53They're like
37:54pirates with
37:55biscuits.
37:57My granddad
37:58Dick,
37:59he'd been
37:59washed overboard
38:00and washed
38:01back on
38:01again.
38:03And he'd
38:04had his
38:04thumb bit
38:05off by a
38:05catfish
38:06and he had
38:07it in a
38:07jar and
38:08if you were
38:08well behaved
38:09you could
38:09look at
38:09it.
38:14But like
38:14even like
38:15the family
38:15photographs
38:16like there's
38:17loads of
38:17me like
38:18you know
38:18all through
38:18the ages
38:19in function
38:19rooms
38:20you know
38:21and like
38:21Christmases
38:22and stuff
38:22and every
38:23adult that's
38:24near me
38:24has got a
38:24cigarette
38:25this close
38:25to my
38:26face.
38:28Someone
38:28it's a
38:29group photo
38:29they're like
38:32they're like
38:32that and I
38:33said you'll
38:33never understand
38:34the pride
38:34you felt
38:35when your
38:35granny
38:35finally trusted
38:36you to
38:37hold a
38:37cigarette
38:37while she
38:38did her
38:38anorak
38:38up.
38:42That
38:42moment and
38:43you could
38:43see the
38:43ash burning
38:44down and
38:44you did
38:45not drop
38:45it because
38:45she would
38:46have
38:46clouted
38:46you.
38:47I said
38:48everyone
38:48in our
38:48family they
38:49either had
38:49a perm
38:50or gangrene
38:52my
38:52Nana
38:52Adams
38:53she had
38:53gangrene
38:54and they
38:54cut her
38:54legs off
38:55and do you
38:55know what
38:55she said
38:56after they'd
38:56done it
38:56good they
38:57were doing
38:57my heading
39:00they got
39:01in the way
39:01of watching
39:02murder she
39:02wrote
39:04and there's a
39:04time of
39:05endearment
39:05they used
39:06to say to
39:06me come
39:06here you
39:07little bastard
39:07and give
39:08me a cuddle
39:09and when I
39:09used to walk
39:10in a room
39:10I'd say
39:11there's nowhere
39:11to sit
39:12and someone
39:12would say
39:12stick your
39:13finger up
39:13your ass
39:13and sit
39:14on your
39:14elbow
39:24that's why
39:25I'm angry
39:28but I'm
39:29middle class
39:30now
39:31I'm middle
39:32class
39:33I am
39:33am I
39:34am I
39:35I'm middle
39:36class
39:37but I haven't
39:37forgotten my
39:38roots
39:38and I know
39:39this because
39:40I went to
39:41Sainsbury's
39:42to get a
39:43bottle of
39:43organic Malbec
39:44I prefer
39:45the natural
39:46wines these
39:47days and
39:48and on the
39:48way out
39:49I tripped
39:50up and I
39:51took the
39:51impact with
39:52my face
39:53and saved
39:53the wine
39:58and I was
39:59walking up
40:00and I had
40:00a bus slip
40:01but I had
40:01all my
40:02ancestors in
40:02my head
40:03saying good
40:03it was
40:03expensive
40:04that
40:07and I've
40:08had a
40:08really modern
40:09kitchen fitted
40:10but you know
40:10really modern
40:11where you hide
40:12everything
40:12and I said
40:13I have not
40:13worked this
40:14hard to be
40:14able to
40:14see my
40:15fridge
40:17I like
40:18hidden
40:18everything
40:19and like
40:19my mum
40:19comes around
40:20and she says
40:20I can't
40:20find your
40:21fucking bin
40:21I said
40:21we should
40:22have worked
40:22harder at
40:22school
40:31but she
40:32ruins this
40:33middle class
40:33pretense I
40:34have when
40:34she comes
40:35round
40:35do you know
40:36we had this
40:36moment
40:36it should
40:37have been
40:37like really
40:37magical
40:38where me
40:39and my
40:39mum put
40:39my daughter
40:40to bed
40:40and my
40:41daughter lost
40:41her first
40:42tooth
40:42and we put
40:43her under
40:43the pillow
40:44and she
40:45turned to
40:45my mother
40:46and you know
40:46in that
40:46lovely
40:47voice she's
40:48got
40:48and she
40:49said to her
40:50she said
40:50nanny what
40:51will the
40:51tooth fairy
40:52do with
40:52my tooth
40:53and she
40:53was in
40:53organic
40:54pyjamas
40:54as well
40:55you know
40:56the cotton
40:56ones from
40:57the white
40:57company
40:58she was in
40:59them
40:59and do you
41:00know what
41:00my mother
41:01said to
41:01her
41:01she said
41:03she's
41:03gonna take
41:04all your
41:05white teeth
41:06and all
41:06my black
41:07teeth
41:07and make
41:08a piano
41:08out of
41:09them
41:14and my
41:15daughter
41:15has had
41:16to sleep
41:16with a
41:16light on
41:17ever since
41:21it's like
41:21she'd had
41:22her hair
41:22done
41:22you know
41:23we'd been
41:23to center
41:24parks
41:24and my
41:24daughter
41:25had
41:25you know
41:25one of
41:25them
41:25hair braids
41:26done
41:26you know
41:26you wrap
41:27the cotton
41:27round it
41:28and my
41:28mum said
41:29oh you
41:29used to
41:30have one
41:30of them
41:30she said
41:31we just
41:31cut it
41:31out of
41:32your hair
41:33because I
41:33had really
41:34long hair
41:34and my
41:35mum said
41:35oh I've
41:35still got
41:36it
41:36and I
41:37said
41:37where
41:37is it
41:38and she
41:38have you
41:38never
41:38noticed
41:39I said
41:40what
41:40she said
41:40oh it's
41:41the light
41:41pulley
41:42for the
41:42downstairs
41:42toilet
41:46but she
41:47came to
41:47stay with
41:48me for
41:48like quite
41:49a few
41:49weeks
41:50because she
41:50was looking
41:51after my
41:51daughter
41:51whilst I
41:52was
41:52working
41:53and just
41:53before she
41:54left
41:54she said
41:54can I
41:55just say
41:55you're
41:56bringing
41:56your daughter
41:56up a
41:57little bit
41:57precocious
41:58she said
41:59you can
42:00tell you're
42:00on TV
42:01it bothered
42:02me
42:03maybe you're
42:04a bit too
42:04middle class
42:05with that
42:05I was
42:07bathing my
42:07daughter that
42:08night and
42:08I was
42:08thinking about
42:09it
42:09it's time
42:10to get
42:10out
42:10and my
42:11daughter
42:11went no
42:12like that
42:12and I took
42:13the toys
42:14out and the
42:14water and
42:15stuff like
42:15that
42:15she was
42:16shivering
42:17she was
42:17like
42:17cold
42:17and I
42:18said
42:18come on
42:18and every
42:18time I
42:19went to
42:19get her
42:19she went
42:19no
42:19like that
42:20and then
42:21it finally
42:21came out
42:22of me
42:22all my
42:2380s
42:23upbringing
42:24all the
42:25fishwives
42:25and
42:25dockers
42:27and I
42:27said
42:27right
42:28I said
42:28well
42:29for
42:29Christmas
42:29all you're
42:30going to
42:30get in
42:30your sack
42:31is two
42:31lumps
42:31of
42:31coal
42:32and a
42:32tangerine
42:33and it's
42:33going to
42:33get wrapped
42:34around your
42:34ribcage
42:35and rot
42:35your
42:35insides
42:37and if
42:37the wind
42:38changes
42:38your face
42:39will stay
42:39like that
42:41there's
42:42children in
42:42Africa
42:42dying
42:45I said
42:46are you
42:46going to
42:46get out
42:46now
42:47and she
42:47said
42:47no
42:48and I
42:48said
42:48do you
42:48want an
42:48olive
42:48and she
42:49said
42:49yes
42:56and you've
42:56been a
42:57lovely
42:57audience
42:59did you
42:59know
43:01could you
43:02tell that
43:03you were
43:04lovely
43:04you are
43:05but I'm
43:06going to
43:06end now
43:07just telling
43:08you
43:08so
43:08I did
43:09would I
43:09lie to
43:10you
43:10and
43:10I've
43:11done
43:11it
43:11twice
43:11now
43:11and
43:12you
43:12know
43:12I
43:12really
43:13enjoy
43:13doing
43:13the
43:14show
43:14because
43:14I
43:14don't
43:14really
43:14like
43:15doing
43:15panel
43:15shows
43:16I get
43:17really
43:17nervous
43:17but I
43:18really
43:18enjoy
43:18that
43:19one
43:19and when
43:19you
43:19first
43:20do
43:20the
43:21interview
43:21for it
43:22they
43:22make
43:22a pack
43:23of all
43:24your
43:24stories
43:24in case
43:25you do
43:25it
43:25again
43:26and
43:26she
43:26said
43:26Lucy
43:27we've
43:27never
43:28had
43:28so
43:28many
43:28stories
43:29that
43:29sound
43:29like
43:29a
43:29lie
43:33and I
43:34said
43:34will you
43:35book me
43:41which is
43:41amazing
43:42isn't it
43:42because there's
43:42so many
43:43I want
43:43to do
43:43like
43:44I
43:44was
43:45walking
43:45this is
43:46all true
43:47I was
43:47walking
43:48down
43:48the
43:48street
43:48and
43:49a
43:49crow
43:50landed
43:51on my
43:51head
43:53no
43:53honestly
43:54and I
43:55felt like
43:55it's
43:55talons
43:56gripping
43:57and I
43:58thought
43:58shit
43:59it's
43:59trying
43:59to
43:59pick
44:00me
44:00up
44:05and
44:06another
44:06time
44:07I
44:07was
44:07walking
44:08down
44:08the
44:09street
44:09and
44:10a
44:10slice
44:11of
44:11raw
44:12mushroom
44:12just
44:13fell
44:13out
44:13my
44:14sleeve
44:16and
44:18don't
44:18even
44:18like
44:18mushrooms
44:20and
44:20another
44:20time
44:22I
44:23was
44:23on the
44:23London
44:24underground
44:24on the
44:25northern
44:25line
44:25and I
44:26fell
44:26asleep
44:26and a
44:27gang
44:27of
44:27youths
44:28got
44:29on
44:29and
44:29parted
44:30a
44:30chocolate
44:30wagon
44:31wheel
44:31and
44:31stuck
44:31it
44:32to
44:32my
44:32forehead
44:37and
44:39and
44:39that
44:39happened
44:40in
44:412010
44:42and
44:42I've
44:42been
44:42looking
44:43ever
44:43since
44:43has
44:43anyone
44:44else
44:44had
44:44that
44:44level
44:45of
44:45public
44:45humiliation
44:47and I
44:47finally
44:48saw it
44:48I did
44:49a gig
44:49you know
44:49in Glasgow
44:50and I
44:50went
44:51past this
44:51woman
44:51at a
44:52bus
44:52stop
44:52and she
44:53had
44:53you know
44:53one of
44:53them
44:54massive
44:54rollers
44:54like
44:55you know
44:56like
44:56there
44:56in her
44:56hair
44:57and a
44:58boy
44:58on
44:58a
44:58bike
44:58went
44:58past
44:59and
44:59put
44:59a
44:59sausage
45:06ladies and
45:07gentlemen
45:07thank you
45:08so much
45:09for coming
45:09you've been
45:10lovely
45:11get home
45:11safe
45:12thank you
45:12thank you
45:47thank you
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