- 2 days ago
First broadcast 10th October 1984.
Justin concocts a scheme with a former footballer to obtain tickets for an England v Scotland football match.
Dennis Waterman - Terry
George Cole - Arthur
Mark Farmer - Justin James
Alan Hunter - Steve Benson
James Marcus - Phil
Jon Croft - Alisdair Frazier
Derek Martin - Cedric
David Beale - Theo Warren
Brian Haines - Tax Inspector
Nicolas Chagrin - Mario
Helen Keating - Mrs. James
Peter Needham - Joe Eldon
David Beckett - Mechanic
James Coyle - Scots Fan
Brian Binns - Autograph Hunter
Sid Golder - Greengrocer (as Sydney Golder)
Annabel Price - Helga
Andrew Andreas - Waiter
Harry Fielder - Cafe customer
Justin concocts a scheme with a former footballer to obtain tickets for an England v Scotland football match.
Dennis Waterman - Terry
George Cole - Arthur
Mark Farmer - Justin James
Alan Hunter - Steve Benson
James Marcus - Phil
Jon Croft - Alisdair Frazier
Derek Martin - Cedric
David Beale - Theo Warren
Brian Haines - Tax Inspector
Nicolas Chagrin - Mario
Helen Keating - Mrs. James
Peter Needham - Joe Eldon
David Beckett - Mechanic
James Coyle - Scots Fan
Brian Binns - Autograph Hunter
Sid Golder - Greengrocer (as Sydney Golder)
Annabel Price - Helga
Andrew Andreas - Waiter
Harry Fielder - Cafe customer
Category
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TVTranscript
00:05Terry, tell me. Hello. I've been trying to get hold of you for days. Where is he? Who? The great
00:11man, numero uno. Arthur Daly's giving me a blank. No, he's about. Johnny's a lovely darling,
00:16quest today, straight off the boat. So where is he? He's never at home. They're locked up
00:21engaged all the time. I build him at the club and the ante. Oh, you look naked. What are you
00:27wanting for? We're all going to be rich, Till. Yeah. Tickets, capiche? What are you on about?
00:35Oh, this is the big one, Till. I have been working on this for weeks. He'd be very impressed,
00:39I'm telling you. What? It's money in the bank. But see, it's too big for me. See, he's got
00:43the muscle, he's got you. Yeah, he's not a gangster, though, you know. No, no, but he's a name,
00:47he's a face. That'd be 25p. You what? 25p? 15p for cash. Don't go in here, darling. They
00:53take liberties. Come on. Hey, come on, behave yourself. Yeah, no breakfast yet. Got more
00:59front of selfridges, you have. We can take over. We can break the monopoly. I'm not just
01:04talking about football, anything. Wimbledon, Valley at Cotton Garden, Boxing, Chelsea Flower
01:09Show. What about Phil? Who? The King of the Talps. I mean, he's not going to abdicate, is he?
01:16So what? He's had a good run. The King's dead. Boom. Long live the new King. They've all got to
01:22go
01:22sometime, ain't they? See, I've got so many ideas and plans. I'm going to really get my
01:26act together while I'm away. Well, where are you going? I'm on bail, didn't you know? Crown
01:31Court next week. It's all right. My brief rent in six months. Open Nick be a duddle. See,
01:37but that's why I've got to get this ticket thing settled. I see. So you can go straight back
01:41in when you come out, eh? No, this is what I'm telling you. It's all legal. They advertise
01:45it in the Times. I've got a scheme that will curl the great offers out. For sure. Yes? Yeah, a
01:51couple
01:52of two, please. And cappuccino, please. That's coffee. Anyway, I don't like young people.
01:59I certainly don't want to meet one of them. He's not young people. He's a person, isn't
02:03he? He's not representative of the whole generation. Yeah, have you seen them? Yeah, I've seen.
02:07Look, there's one there. There's another one. Oh, look at that one. That's a girl, that
02:12one. You know what I mean. They think they know it all, don't they? They're slovenly, rude,
02:17opinionated. Yeah, well, he reckons he's got Steve Benson in his pocket. Oh, Benno? Yeah,
02:22old Benno. He's a fair player, wasn't he? Fair. He's brilliant. Have a few drinks the night
02:27before. He's still popped a couple of goals in the net the next day. And this, um, what's
02:32his name? Justin. Oh. He reckons he knows Benno, does he? Yeah, he gets about a bit.
02:50Look, move, move it, superstar. The ankle. Yeah, you can hobble to the bar. Only if you're
02:56buying them, darling. Oi, this is supposed to be a training session. Who told you that?
03:03I'll be back in a minute. Who is he? An agent from Real Madrid. A media man. He's
03:09me counsellor from AA. You don't have to take all that, do you? Yeah, I do. I can't even
03:16get the first team. What have they? Can't even lace your boots. Yeah, yeah. What's the
03:21score with your man? Daily. I've got to meet with him. That's why I've got to know about
03:24the deal. I don't know. He's well known. That's why I've got to know. Right. I can get
03:302,000 tickets for the England-Scotland game. Cash on a nail, face value. You sell them
03:35on the open market for whatever you can get, you fix your own price. Double Treadway if
03:39I'm all right. The old jocks will rob banks to get them tickets. Right. That's why it's
03:43big. I could be a marked man for this. I usually do business with Phil. I collect all the tickets
03:49from the players in London. But what do I get? Peanuts. He takes me for granted. Why should
03:55they make him richer? If I had the money, I'd buy the tickets myself. But I haven't. And
04:00you're potless. Slightly embarrassed. You're a skint, Justin. Yeah, I'm sure so. Look, I'm
04:05relying on you. I mean, I don't know the villains and gangsters. That's your game. Bloody right,
04:11that's my game. Good morning, gentlemen. Hello. May I take the club, please? There he is up
04:21here. Where? Played a piano. Thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Mrs Mills. Come here, Star. The
04:34great man. Il Sino a daily. Numero uno. You what? I tell you what, this is one of the
04:40greatest days of my life. Come sit there. Come sit there. Glass of suave? And how did
04:46I know you like suave, eh? I didn't know. I just knew. Arthur, this is Justin. Yeah, yeah.
04:52I'm pleased to meet you. Cool, Arthur. Lay back. See that? He's sizing me up the old fox,
04:56eh? Huh? I tell you what, I still can't believe it. Me sitting with you, Arthur. I mean, you
05:02don't mind me calling you Arthur, do you, Arthur? No, of course you don't. No, no, it's perfectly
05:04all right. Justin. Justin. And I'll tell you what, in my book, you are an hero. I mean,
05:11you're up there with the stars. Bogey, Edward G, George Rath. Did you know him? Who? George
05:16Rath, when he came to London. Oh, yeah, yeah. We had a few words. Yeah, I'll bet, eh? And
05:22I've also said to Terry, I said, Terry, you are privileged to work with Arthur daily. When did
05:26you say that? Oh, I told you dozens of times. See, you can help me, Arthur. You've
05:32got it all, the knowledge, the wisdom, the experience. See, me, I'm just starting on
05:35the ladder. A mere apprentice. It's like Leonardo da Vinci. Now, he had the idea, the grand design,
05:42and he had all these other wallies, well, like apprentices, who'd paint in a nose or a
05:46tree or a bit of sky. But you see, they was learning, which is why I'm grateful to break
05:50bread with you, Arthur. Yeah, well, talking of bread, any chance of seeing a menu? Oh, sorry,
05:54sir, I do go on a bit, don't I? Er, Mario? Just a bit. See, the trouble is, you do
06:00not understand
06:00ambition, Terrence. The kind of advice I can give this young man you do not get in colleges.
06:05Signore, I want you to make Mr. Daly a man of respect, if that's the expression.
06:10No.
06:10Uomo respettato.
06:12So.
06:13After daily, then I am delighted to meet you. Many people talk about you.
06:18Oh, really?
06:19After daily, I would rather have you in my restaurante than Egon or Rune.
06:26Please. Enjoy yourself.
06:29What a nice man.
06:30He's a diamond, old Mario.
06:32Yeah, it's just as well, isn't it? His partner was after you a year ago. You sold him a Merc.
06:37Who?
06:38His partner. What's his name? Angelo. Yeah, the one who sent you a solicitor's letter.
06:42As usual, you've got it all wrong, haven't you? That man had a little cafe in the Arrow
06:47Road. Anyway, I was like to know it was stolen. Judge said I was a mere prawn in the game.
06:51Yeah, and the jury said you were a prune. I still got offered a £300 fine, though, didn't I?
06:56See, this is it, Arthur. You can help me. You know all the dodges. You are a total,
07:02thorough, unmitigated rogue, and that's why I admire you.
07:05Got him in one.
07:07I think I'll just have the spaghetti bolognese. Now, I understand you've got an offer that
07:12I may have to reject.
07:14No, no, Arthur.
07:19Suddenly, I don't hear from you.
07:20Yeah, well, I've been busy.
07:23What are you talking about? You don't even play. I don't even see your name in the papers
07:29anymore. We had a meet last week. So what's going on? You didn't show. I've been very generous
07:36to you, Benno.
07:37Oh, yeah? Who are you kidding?
07:39Look, most people don't want to know about you, but I'm a sentimentalist. I can remember
07:45when you was a fine player.
07:48How would you not?
07:49But don't get clever with me. We need to have a serious discussion about the Tartan
07:54Army.
07:55Yeah. Well, I'm having negotiations with other people.
07:58What people? There are no other people. There's Keith Prowse and me. If McEnroe wants briefs
08:07for Wimbledon, he comes to me, and he's playing there. Don't give me all that stuff about other
08:11people.
08:12Yeah, well, they're well-connected.
08:13Connected with who?
08:14They're top men.
08:15What's that supposed to mean? They've got a sauna club in up in Norwood.
08:19They've got muscle.
08:20Oh, you want to know about muscle? Well, there's Cedric. And a hundred more. Tell your friends
08:29that.
08:37Old Benson's got a friend who works in the office at Wembley Stadium, and he's going to get
08:422,000 tickets for the England-Scotland match.
08:44Nicked.
08:45No, no, no. He's got to settle the books, because you know now you have to apply by post for
08:49the ticket, and you have to live in England. That's to stop the Scotties flooding the sacred
08:53turf.
08:54Well, that's right. They were going to go to raise relations, weren't they?
08:57Yeah. Anyway, he ignores some of these letters, and this is the beauty of it. He's going to
09:01keep 2,000 tickets. I mean, it's all legal. They don't mind as long as they get their
09:06dope. So I said to old Ben, I said, there's only one person who can handle this. Half a daily.
09:11I said, you've got the contacts, you've got the muscle, and you've got the organisation.
09:15Sod fill.
09:16Hmm. How much?
09:18Well, so it's 2,000 tickets, 8 poundies, that's 16 grand, that's a drink for him, 2 grand,
09:2418 grand.
09:25How much?
09:2518 grand.
09:26No, no, I heard what you said.
09:27No, I'd like to hear it again.
09:29Well, I mean, you treble that in a week, even more.
09:32You want me to lend you 18 grand?
09:34No, no, Arthur, not lend. I mean, it's an investment, isn't it? We'll split the profit, and obviously
09:39you get the lion's shatter.
09:40Oh, thank you very much, Tom.
09:42What, I thought you would have grabbed it. It's like printing money, isn't it?
09:45The impetuosity of youth, eh? If you want to know about wisdom, my son, suss it out first.
09:50When anyone offers me a bargain, I know there's a catch.
09:52There is no catch, honest.
09:54That is the catch. When I hear the word honest, I reach for my solicitor.
09:57Trust me.
09:58Why?
09:59Nah, you're right. Who needs trust? I'm being very naive.
10:03You are indeed, my son.
10:04But I'm learning, though, aren't I? I've got 2,000 tickets for the England-Scotland match.
10:09Have you got any contacts in Scotland?
10:10Of course I have.
10:11No, I mean big.
10:13Tell him.
10:15What?
10:16Well, tell him about Big Hamish.
10:18Oh, him.
10:19Well, he's Scottish. He's big. He's not called Jimmy.
10:25Nah, he's called Hamish.
10:27He's violent.
10:28He's a personal friend of mine. Top man. Chairman of the board. Know what I mean?
10:32Right. We'll phone him right now. Mario's got a phone.
10:35He's a goer, isn't he?
10:3818 grand.
10:39I think he likes you.
10:41Yeah. Some people do, you know.
10:50You try to help, eh?
10:52You always help people, Phil.
10:54You don't get credit for your charity work, either.
10:56True. People don't know about that, do they?
10:59Well, that's because you're an anonymous benefactor.
11:01Yeah, well, I don't get the credit for it.
11:03I think you should get an OBE.
11:06Orphans and widows and bloody distressed footballers.
11:10Who's his pal?
11:12Uh, young Justin. Right lemon. Flash kick. Got no form.
11:16Never mind. Give him a pull.
11:17Right.
11:18Not a bad drop of Urquimani, eh, that?
11:20Yeah, the brandy's not bad, either.
11:22Urquimani.
11:23Hold up.
11:25Well, Hamish. Oh, yeah, sure.
11:27He was, er, in the middle of his mince and totties, whatever they call it.
11:30Yeah, yeah.
11:30Well, when he's had his rhubarb and custard, he'll hop on here to the city and there you go.
11:34A result.
11:35Justine.
11:36Early days, eh?
11:39Salad.
11:42You'll like Hamish.
11:45He's a bit of a rough diamond, but, um...
11:47But what?
11:48But, um, he's all right. You'll like him.
11:52And, Justine, not too much rabbit, eh?
11:54Stomp, stomp.
11:55You're the governor.
11:56So you forget it.
11:57You booked him into hotel?
11:58Er, no, no. I thought you could kip at your drums.
12:02Okay?
12:03No.
12:04Terrence, he's a colleague.
12:06He growls.
12:07You what?
12:08He growls and he mutters.
12:10And then he attacks.
12:12I had three fights the last time he was down.
12:15That's the one, innit?
12:16That's all seven.
12:18Yeah, here I can look. He's here.
12:25Oh.
12:25Jane?
12:26Where?
12:27There.
12:28I look sort of growler.
12:30I'm big enough.
12:32Oh, where is he?
12:35Are you Mr. Daly?
12:37Don't creep up on me like that.
12:38I'm very captive.
12:40Hamish couldn't come.
12:41I'm the open razor.
12:42What?
12:43Razor.
12:44You can call me Alasdair.
12:45Nice to meet you, Arthur.
12:46Nice to meet a friend of Hamish.
12:47I'm afraid your man is unavoidably indisposed.
12:50He's in the hospital.
12:51Never.
12:51What's he got?
12:52Two broken legs, broken wrists, a sticated shoulder,
12:55multiple cuts and abrasions.
12:56Oh, dear.
12:57Street accident.
12:59Aye, it was in the street.
13:01Is this your wee gang, then?
13:03Well, it's Terry.
13:04Justine.
13:06Hamish says you're a good man to do business with.
13:09Who my owner owns?
13:10You what?
13:13I'm talking to the top man.
13:14He's met them all.
13:15George Raff, Murder Incorporated.
13:17He is nationwide, coast to coast.
13:19You ain't talking to some little gobbles tearaway now.
13:21This is Arthur Daly, capisce?
13:23Who is he?
13:25He's with me.
13:26Okay, chaps.
13:27You're marking my card, fine.
13:29That's right.
13:29I mean, here we were, ready to welcome old Hamish,
13:31coughing and growling and spitting,
13:32and you turn up in the Alan Wicker gear.
13:34I mean, we've just got to adjust, don't we?
13:35Yeah, thank you, Justine.
13:37Well, it's his attitude, isn't it?
13:38I mean, it's a seller's market.
13:41I'm booked into the Haldies Inn, Swiss Cottage.
13:43You know the we, Mr. Daly?
13:44Yeah, yeah.
13:46See?
13:46He don't growl, do he?
13:48Not yet.
13:50You mean we ain't on the firm?
13:52Apparently not, no.
13:53It's all I finance now, isn't it?
13:55Well, he ain't gonna stitch us up, is he?
13:57Who's us?
13:58Me and Benson.
13:59I mean, he is honest, isn't he?
14:01The great man.
14:02No.
14:03Oh, now you tell me.
14:05Well, work it out for yourself.
14:06He's been around a long time, Arthur, hasn't he?
14:08He knows the worth of a pound.
14:11Anyway, I don't know what you're going on about.
14:12I mean, you had nothing yesterday, did you?
14:14And tomorrow, you might have a few, Bob.
14:16Fair enough, innit?
14:17Yeah, I suppose so.
14:20Well, I wouldn't worry about Arthur.
14:22It's the other bloke you should start thinking about.
14:25Well, that's a bit steep, Arthur.
14:2735 grand.
14:29That's what, about £17.50?
14:31Depends per ticket.
14:33Steep, Arthur, steep.
14:34My people won't like that.
14:35Well, you've still got Andy Profit.
14:37Well, I mean, them jocks, some of them, they'd commit murder to get a ticket.
14:39Aye.
14:41They would.
14:42Oh, well, that was a figure of speech, obviously.
14:44No.
14:45You got it right the first time.
14:47Yeah, well, they do like their football, don't they?
14:51Just for a second.
14:52Let's forget about the tickets.
14:54I just want you to concentrate on the logistics of the big game.
14:58Yes?
15:00Let's say that 10,000 or maybe 20,000 people, punters, are converging on Wembley from Scotland.
15:08Let us assume that each punter has in his pocket 100 pounds.
15:12That's a liberal assessment.
15:14This is an army on the move.
15:17100 pounds times 10,000 equals 1 million.
15:21A million, Arthur.
15:23I'm giving you that.
15:24All you've got to do is get the money out of their pockets.
15:26From the moment they cross the border of their fair game, they've got to be fed, sheltered, and, more importantly,
15:33refreshed.
15:35It's a remarkable prospect, is it not?
15:37Yeah.
15:38Yeah, it is.
15:40Tickets.
15:42How's your glass, Arthur?
15:44Oh, well, yeah, I could handle a drop.
15:49Tickets are a mere bagatelle, a drop in the limitless ocean which I have pictured for you.
15:56I am suggesting a huge exercise, a major operation.
16:00See Hamish.
16:01He was a small man.
16:03The days of the wild men are over.
16:05The world is ruled by accountants now, and a few entrepreneurs like yourself.
16:09Do I assume I'm talking to an accountant?
16:12You've got it in one, Arthur.
16:15We want to get together an attractive package.
16:19Two nights in London, decent bed, continental breakfast, couple of hand-picked clubs, and, uh, and a ticket for the
16:27game.
16:28People will pawn their videos to get to Wembley.
16:30At least let's make it worth their while.
16:32A weekend to remember, eh?
16:34I like it.
16:35In fact, I'm very fond of it.
16:36Hey, a pal of mine has got 3,000 autographed photographs of Charlie Nicholas.
16:40I mean, that would make a good souvenir, wouldn't it?
16:43Why not, Arthur?
16:44You're the kind of guy we need.
16:46You know this city.
16:48We can guarantee the bodies.
16:49All you have to do is bury them.
16:51Are you, uh, suggesting a partnership?
16:54That's it.
16:55Mind you, I, uh, still have to see other people.
16:59Well, like who?
17:00Do you know a man called Phil?
17:02Oh, yeah, yeah.
17:03Yeah, Phil's all right if you want to go to the Royal Ballet.
17:05But if you want Breeze for England-Scotland, I'm your man.
17:09We've worked with him before.
17:10He says he can get any amount of tickets.
17:12Does he?
17:13All right.
17:13Yeah.
17:14Oh, Phil's a dreamer.
17:15He don't realise that I've taken over.
17:18I like your confidence, Arthur.
17:20Are you ready to go to Glasgow, put the tickets on the table,
17:23meet my associates, shake hands?
17:25Um, well, there are one or two details.
17:27In principle, I mean.
17:28Oh, yeah, yeah, in principle.
17:30And Glasgow.
17:31Maybe tomorrow.
17:33Glasgow, eh?
17:35The natives are quite friendly.
17:37Here?
17:55What's he doing?
17:59We're over here.
18:01Arthur.
18:03Arthur.
18:04Arthur.
18:05Arthur.
18:13Sometimes I worry about him.
18:18Where's he going?
18:21Oi.
18:23Oi, what are you doing?
18:25Oh, I'm thinking.
18:26Thinking.
18:26You know, oil in the old grey matter.
18:29Considering things.
18:31Come and you can do that in a motor, can't you?
18:32No, no, no, it's not the same.
18:33And young Justine giving me GBH of the year olds.
18:38I've never seen you think before.
18:40Don't scoff.
18:41This is a command decision.
18:43You don't have these problems.
18:44Have you ever put your hand in your pocket and come out with 18 grand?
18:47Of course not.
18:48It's beyond your experience, isn't it?
18:51I've had a poor buddy in them, haven't you?
18:53Yeah, what is that?
18:54Two bob.
18:55They'd probably owe you if you play your cards right.
18:57No, I'm talking about real money.
19:00Well, have you got it?
19:01Of course I have.
19:02But that's not the point.
19:04My money is tied up.
19:06Well, can't you get it out of the bank?
19:07Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
19:08Hello, Mr Bank Manager.
19:09I've got 2,000 orky football tickets.
19:12Hardly a kitchen extension or a new roof, is it?
19:14I've got to sell the tickets.
19:16You're borrowing me own dough.
19:18And what happens if Alistair's pals don't want to buy?
19:21Well, supposing they do, and we get hijacked on the way back.
19:24Hijacked?
19:25Anything could happen.
19:27Earthquake.
19:27Do what?
19:28What has happened to Amish the growler?
19:31I don't know.
19:31No, nobody knows.
19:33Which is why I'm schlepping round the environs of...
19:35Where are we?
19:36Swiss Cottage.
19:37Yeah.
19:38Thinking.
19:39So just, just, just leave me alone.
19:41Well, do you want us to wait, then?
19:43Well, obviously.
19:43I won't be thinking all day, will I?
19:46Shouldn't think so.
20:06Is, er, Justin about?
20:08Yeah, but he's in bed.
20:09Who are you?
20:10Please?
20:10No, not me, love.
20:11I'm a friend of Justin's.
20:12Me and Steve Benson.
20:13Oh, I'll give him a call.
20:14Justin!
20:15It's for you!
20:16Always like rig-a-mall, isn't it?
20:18I'm late for work, love.
20:19Look, don't worry, Mrs James.
20:20I'll give him a year, eh?
20:21Oh, will you?
20:21Because I'm going to miss my bus.
20:22Thanks very much.
20:23Shut up.
20:23See you, love.
20:42All you ponces lay in bed all day.
20:45Look at you.
20:46And your poor mum has to go to work.
20:48Who are you?
20:49Who am I?
20:50I get up early in the morning, son.
20:52And then I start hitting people.
20:54I work for old Phil.
20:56I bet you don't work.
20:58I'm self-employed.
20:59Oh, yeah.
21:00What, as a thief?
21:01You're thieving my livelihood, son.
21:04I mean, Benson tells me you're a go-between.
21:06The missing link.
21:08He don't know who he is.
21:10You tell me.
21:11Who is he?
21:12Numero uno.
21:14Who's he?
21:15He's going to stalk you.
21:17And your governor.
21:19I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
21:21I'm going to smother you with your puffy quilt.
21:24If I told you, you'd be out of here in two seconds.
21:27Try me.
21:29Arthur Daly.
21:31Arthur Daly.
21:33See?
21:33You're worried now, aren't you?
21:35Yeah.
21:35Yeah, it looks like I'm going to wet myself.
21:37He wouldn't say that to his face.
21:38Why not?
21:41Because you wouldn't.
21:42I would, son.
21:44To him and his punch-drunk pal.
21:46And all his relatives.
21:47His creditors who are many and his debtors who are few.
21:50The whole lot.
21:52Yeah?
21:53Yeah.
21:54And you'd better believe it, kid.
21:57Now, why don't you be a good boy?
21:59Tell me all about it, hmm?
22:01What's all this about, Theo?
22:03Well, it's a graph.
22:04Assets, capital, deposits.
22:06It's keeping customers happy.
22:07Yeah, but what does it mean?
22:09I don't know.
22:11Looks good, doesn't it?
22:12Brilliant.
22:12Yeah, I went to another place of yours first.
22:14The bank.
22:15Oh, no, not anymore.
22:16No?
22:17Only run a bank for a year, Arthur.
22:19Otherwise, the fraud squad gets busy.
22:20It's a property company now.
22:23Timeshare.
22:25You don't want an apartment in a baronial castle in Wales, do you?
22:28Whereabouts?
22:29We don't know yet.
22:30Take a pew.
22:36I hope you don't want a mortgage, do you?
22:39No.
22:39No, tell me, is this a good earner?
22:42Good?
22:43I'll tell you what.
22:44It's going so well,
22:45I'm thinking of turning it into an honest business.
22:48Never.
22:49Not really.
22:50But you see,
22:51and you know this for yourself,
22:53there are those who take
22:53and those who are taken.
22:55It's all greed.
22:57Now, we offer a good rate of interest.
22:59We're competitive.
23:00We're leading the field.
23:02If the other societies have to put up their rates,
23:04that's to the good of the public, isn't it?
23:06Yeah, I suppose so.
23:08But you don't pay out.
23:10That's something different, Arthur.
23:12I'm talking about the principle.
23:13We give good value, you see.
23:16Yes, I believe.
23:17And I understand you're financing some projects.
23:23You do understand that this is not an investigation.
23:25I'm trying to elicit information.
23:28The thing is,
23:30we've lost track of you, Mr. McCann.
23:33Really?
23:35How would you describe your occupation?
23:39Well, it's tricky, really, isn't it?
23:41I mean, it's just odds and ends, you know.
23:43Self-employed?
23:44Well, I'll get by, you know.
23:47Freelance, what?
23:48Oh, I don't know.
23:50What I'm trying to get at is your income.
23:53You know, haphazard, it may be.
23:55No, well, that's the word, actually.
23:56I'd use that.
23:57Haphazard.
23:58I don't know.
24:01So I'd better try another tack.
24:03Um, you haven't got a P-A-Y-E code number.
24:08What's that?
24:09Precisely.
24:11I would ignore that, then.
24:15Unemployment benefit.
24:17Social Security supplementary benefit.
24:20You don't contribute to national insurance,
24:23or, as we used to call it,
24:26stamping your cards.
24:28No, no.
24:29Mortgage, HP, credit card,
24:32and pension payment.
24:36You've cracked it, aren't you?
24:39Beg your pardon?
24:41The system.
24:42You haven't got a number.
24:45You're not a statistic.
24:46You're a spirit, a spectre.
24:49They hardly know about you.
24:51Where were you when they did the census?
24:53I was out.
24:55I bet you were.
24:59Thank you, Hilda.
25:06They're amazing, aren't they?
25:08The best legs in the Department of Inland Revenue.
25:11Not a bad typist, either.
25:14You know what you are, Mr. McCann?
25:16Invisible man.
25:18Where is your identity?
25:20What happens if we have a war?
25:22You'll dodge it.
25:24We've been after you for seven years.
25:26During that period, you must have had some job.
25:29Well, let me put it like this.
25:30I mean, take last week, for example, right?
25:33Two nights, I was minding a boozer.
25:34They thought there might be a bit of a bother, you know.
25:36Well, for that, I've got 15 quid a night,
25:38a couple of sandwiches and a beer.
25:40You don't need an accountant for that, do you?
25:42Well, what are you saying?
25:43Are you a kind of itinerant bodyguard?
25:46Well, yeah, sort of a job man, you know.
25:53Daily.
25:57Daily.
25:59Does that mean anything?
26:01Sorry, what was the night?
26:02Money's the game, Arthur.
26:04Now, my lips are sealed,
26:05but four characters who hadn't two bob between them
26:08put up a scheme.
26:10Have you got any collateral, I asked.
26:12A safe fault, they said.
26:14Well, you couldn't get any better collateral than that, could you?
26:18They wanted 12 grand
26:19for the laser welding equipment
26:21and the protective clothing.
26:23A first-class investment, I thought.
26:25As it was, I got it back in three weeks.
26:27Right, now, what's your problem?
26:29Wembley. Tickets.
26:30England, Scotland.
26:32And I do not need any welding equipment.
26:35Okay.
26:37Three and a quarter percent per day.
26:39Five percent for three days.
26:41That's a bit strong, Arthur.
26:42Well, I'm not going to knock you, am I?
26:44It's never been known.
26:46One way or another, we always get paid.
26:48No, no, Theo.
26:49We are friends.
26:50No, Arthur, we are acquaintances.
26:54Three percent for 48 hours
26:56and then three and a quarter per day.
26:58Okay.
27:01Yes, Mr. Daly.
27:04Apparently, you're his gardener.
27:07His what?
27:08Gardener.
27:09As in Percy Thrower.
27:11He was unavailable that week.
27:13He hadn't even got a bleeding garden.
27:15Oh, really?
27:18No, no, but mind you,
27:19he has got a very big balcony.
27:21Yeah, he likes daffodils
27:23and, um, Busy Liz's, things like that.
27:25He likes all the cultural things, you know.
27:29Minding the flowers, eh?
27:31That's it.
27:31You've got it in one, yeah.
27:35Um, how much do I get?
27:37Let's have a look.
27:39Ah, yes.
27:40The financial year, April 1982,
27:441,500 pounds.
27:46That's, eh, more or less 30 pounds a week.
27:49It's creeping up, isn't it?
27:51What with the occasional stint at a boozer
27:53and other odds and ends,
27:55suddenly you find you're liable to pay tax.
27:58Unless you want to say
27:59that Mr. Daly is falsifying his claims and books.
28:02Now, look, look,
28:03now, what did you call me earlier?
28:04An itinerant bodyguard, right?
28:06Look, sometimes I double up
28:08as a sort of freelance troubleshooter gardener.
28:15You didn't long enough, weren't you?
28:17Was I?
28:18This is a very important day today.
28:19I put my life on the line.
28:21Clothesline, was it?
28:22In the garden?
28:24Eh?
28:24Give us a large whiskey, mate.
28:25You don't drink whiskey.
28:26Now, I tell you what, make it a treble.
28:29No, no, we've got no time for that.
28:30We're on a tight schedule.
28:31Now, does your garden grow, eh?
28:33You owe me 1,500 sauce.
28:35What are you talking about?
28:37Your trusty old retainer.
28:39Me, the one with manure on his wellies,
28:41the gardener.
28:42And you've been a bit too clever this time, sunshine.
28:43You've been sussed.
28:45Well, come on, pay the man.
28:48Tuck.
28:49Cheers, Arthur.
28:50You didn't grass on me, did you?
28:51Anyway, what do you know about grass, eh?
28:54You haven't even got a bleeding garden, have you?
28:56You put me right in it.
28:58Right in a compost.
29:00Funny thing is, of course, you'll get away with it, won't you?
29:02But I won't.
29:04I'm being assessed now, aren't I?
29:06It's forms, letters, appeals.
29:08Tuck.
29:08I was on a right result, and all then the geezer came up with your annual financial statement.
29:12Now, that's got to be the greatest story ever told, innit?
29:14Look, you don't understand.
29:17I understand 1,500 sovs.
29:19You're getting a drink out of it.
29:20Yeah, I'll tell you what, make it a watering can full.
29:22Look, it is more important that I should be solvent than you.
29:25Who says?
29:26I do, and I am the brains in this organisation, remember?
29:29Now, I'll tell you what you should remember.
29:31Oh, have a look.
29:32What?
29:33Those legs.
29:34Should get a Nobel Prize.
29:37Honestly, look, we're talking about important matters, and all you can rabbit on about is legs.
29:41Is that the only topic that exercises your mind?
29:44No, I like Bristol's and all.
29:46No wonder you're bottom of the heap.
29:48Handyman, occasional gardener.
29:49A civilian, Terence.
29:51An ordinary, everyday, Wally.
29:53Careful.
29:56Ah, brings back fond memories, eh, Benno?
29:58Yeah.
29:59I was always a great fan of yours.
30:01I never understood why Greenwood didn't make more use of you.
30:04Bit of an expert, aren't we?
30:06What?
30:06Oh, yeah.
30:07I know them all.
30:08Morrow.
30:09Greavesy.
30:10Bawley and Bestie.
30:12Dobbo.
30:12Robbo.
30:13Sniffer.
30:15Chopper.
30:16Oh, yeah.
30:16I know them all.
30:18Groucho and Arbo.
30:19Who do they play for?
30:20Audience?
30:22Bit of a jester, eh, Benno?
30:23All right.
30:24Where do we go to meet the man with his tickets?
30:26In his office.
30:27You give me the money, and I give it to him.
30:30I'm in and out in three minutes.
30:31What?
30:31I don't even get to meet him.
30:33Well, he's a bit wooded.
30:35He's worried.
30:36Oh, that is lovely, isn't it?
30:37I've got to let you have 18 grand.
30:38Hold on, Arthur.
30:39Old club.
30:43No, shut up, bud.
30:45Benno, you nearly killed that geezer.
30:47So?
30:47What is more important?
30:48Life or money?
31:01Give us the money.
31:05No.
31:06You'll have to stay here.
31:08Hold on, hold on.
31:09Arthur's a bit worried about you.
31:11Come on, Terry.
31:13We're both on the same side.
31:14Let's go.
31:49Teddy, let's go.
31:51Let them.
31:52We've cracked it.
31:54Come on.
32:02Anyone follow you out?
32:05Stop worrying, will you?
32:06Stop worrying.
32:07Gold dust.
32:08Do you know what these are worth?
32:09Now, go on.
32:10Well, we'll have to wait and see, won't we?
32:13When them little jocks see these, they'll start drooling.
32:16Drooling a bit yourself, aren't you?
32:17Why not?
32:18This is the easy bit, eh?
32:19Now it's off to bonnie Scotland.
32:22I don't want to go to Scotland.
32:24Well, you don't come to Scotland, you don't get weighed in.
32:27Well, why?
32:28Why?
32:29Because you're our credibility, that's why.
32:31They don't take no prisoners up there, you know?
32:33What chances would we have with 2,000 tickets?
32:36No chance.
32:36No, we'd all end up wearing blue circle overcoats and being taken for a paddle in the Clyde.
32:40No, Benno.
32:41For the next few days, it's down to man-to-man marking.
32:46They're good, these, aren't they?
32:47They use them up in Scotland when they're shooting.
32:49What do you mean?
32:49We don't shoot them in Glasgow.
32:51No.
32:52They use razors and bottles and knives and that, don't they?
32:54No, no, no, no.
32:55I mean, you know, in the locks and the braes and the alps.
32:58The lairds were their states when they're shooting the grouse and the pheasant and the smoked salmon.
33:02Nah, these are used for pulling birds, not shooting them.
33:04Terry, oh, come on, come on, get a move on, give him a shout.
33:07All right.
33:07Number 14.
33:08I know.
33:10Sorry about you, Malister.
33:12So his bright idea was it to go to Scotland, then?
33:15Well, no, it's only for a couple of days.
33:17Oh, yeah.
33:19I'm usually at work, but when he's out of the house, I'll try and relax a little bit.
33:23It's nice and quiet.
33:24More trouble, I suppose.
33:26Well, no, I hope not.
33:28No, it's trouble.
33:30You worried about him?
33:31Well, he's so restless.
33:33I mean, why can't he just be unemployed like everyone else?
33:36Yeah, I'm worried.
33:38You do know he's on remand, don't you?
33:40Well, yeah, but he seems fairly optimistic.
33:42I mean, he reckons he'll only get six months.
33:44Well, I would be only delighted if he'd got two years.
33:47Oh, come on, you don't mean that.
33:49Oh, didn't I?
33:50Listen, if he's powered up with Arthur Daly,
33:53he'll wind up with ten, that's for sure.
33:55Oh, you know Arthur, do you?
33:57Oh, yeah.
33:57Years ago.
33:59Right jack the lad in.
34:00Bit like my Justin.
34:01Mind you, I was only a kid at the time.
34:03I worked at the cabaret club in German Street.
34:07Didn't have a lot of luck, though.
34:08I was the hat check girl.
34:10Suddenly, everyone stopped wearing hats.
34:12Yeah, well, Arthur still does, of course.
34:14Yeah.
34:15And then I was the cigarette girl.
34:17Suddenly, everyone stopped smoking.
34:19That's when I decided to have my Justin.
34:21Seemed a good idea at the time.
34:23Do you want a drink?
34:25Oh, no, thanks.
34:26No, it's a bit early for me.
34:27Sorry, sir.
34:28I forgot I didn't have a bag.
34:30No, that's in it.
34:30Excuse you.
34:31Yeah, it's lovely.
34:32Come on, aren't you, Toes?
34:37Oh, that's a bit tasty, sir.
34:39What?
34:39The old shag wagon.
34:41Oh, yeah.
34:43Arthur thinks it's for hunting, shooting and fishing, doesn't he?
34:45Oh, thank you.
34:46Door round the side.
34:50Oi, did you go before you came out, Justin?
34:52It's a very long trip.
34:53Ha, ha.
35:09Have you got your passport, Terry?
35:11Have you got your phrasebook?
35:12What are you on about?
35:14All foreigners from now on.
35:15Nobody speaks English north of Tottenham.
35:17Your mum ever tell you that?
35:21Are we going to follow them all the way?
35:23They've got to stop sometime for a pee or whatever.
35:26I think I'll have a word with Mr. Daly then.
35:39Is your inaugural visit the Spaghetti Junction, is it, Arthur?
35:42Inaugural?
35:43Very funny, Terence.
35:44I'm telling you, we should have stayed on the M1.
35:46Everybody knows the M1 goes to Scotland.
35:48Yeah, but not to Glasgow.
35:50Glasgow.
35:51Daly's magical mystery tour, eh?
35:54I belong to Glasgow
35:56Yeah, old Glasgow town
36:01There's something no matter with Glasgow
36:04Cause it's going round and round
36:08I'm only a common old working man
36:12As anyone else can see
36:15But when I've had a couple of drinks on a Saturday
36:20Glasgow belongs to me
36:28Sweet bonnie boat
36:30Like a bird on the wind
36:33Oh, but a sailor's cry
36:38Carry the land
36:41What's more than they can
36:43Oh, but a sea to sea
36:52What are they slowed down for?
36:54I think they got a bit of trouble
36:56Oh, good
36:58You've overheated it
36:59You've gone and broken it
37:01Talking about it's a pile of rubbish in the first place
37:04That's why you haven't been able to sell it
37:05Look, get in here, get in here
37:06Where the service is
37:07Yeah, alright, alright
37:10Can you have a look at this, squire?
37:12Gasket
37:13We haven't had a look at it yet?
37:15Gasket
37:16That service, sir
37:19Look, squire, I'm trade
37:21How long?
37:22Couple of hours
37:22The engine was as good as the people
37:24I'm going to Scotland
37:25Are you in the air?
37:26I told you, squire, I'm trade
37:28Yeah, well, it'll still be two hours
37:30I've got to get the spares
37:31They're into another garage for 22 miles
37:33I tell you what, squire
37:34It'll be a nice drink in it for you
37:36Oh, tar
37:37Oh, it'll be about an hour
37:38And 50 minutes
37:41Tar
37:44What's all that squire stuff?
37:46Well, we're up north, aren't we?
37:47They like all that rustic stuff, you know
37:49Get west tickets
37:50You come, won't you?
38:00Don't you let that out of your sight again?
38:02Me?
38:03You're supposed to be looking after it
38:04Yeah
38:04And you're supposed to be looking after me
38:06I mean, up the road, Scotland
38:07The Badlands
38:08With patches round every corner
38:10It's lurking in every Peebrock
38:12Oh, look at that
38:13It's a wilderness, isn't it?
38:14Yeah
38:15No wonder Adrian built that wall
38:16Eh?
38:17He didn't have any football tickets, did he?
38:19He should have come in and armed the car
38:20We're talking about 50 grand street value
38:23I mean, never mind your illegal substances
38:25Them little jocks have killed with one of them tickets
38:27And that Alice there with his financial times
38:29What's he all about?
38:30You keep an eye on him
38:31Oh, I will, Major
38:33Major?
38:34Major turned round, didn't it?
38:36Now, hopefully, you might even buy me a cup of tea
38:38What I really fancied was a pina colada
38:41That's all the fun gloves gone
38:48Follow him
38:49What for?
38:50I want to know where he's going
38:52He's going to make a phone call
38:53Yeah, I want to know who to
38:55Do you?
39:21He's talking to someone on a dog
39:23That's what he said he was going to do
39:24I wonder who it is
39:26Well, I'll ask him
39:31Do you know him?
39:32Yeah
39:34Do you?
39:36Well, like, I had to tell him
39:39What?
39:40About us and the, uh, tickets
39:44Oh, thank you
39:45Well, he was going to give me a pasting
39:46So I told him
39:47What did you tell him?
39:49You'll have to settle with him, I told you
39:50The governor
39:51The don of dons
39:52And he weren't all that impressed
39:54Well, you didn't say in Italian, did you?
39:56No, well, I haven't got that far in the pocket
39:58Anyway, you're not worried, are you?
39:59I mean, what about the old days, you know
40:01All the gang warfare at the Brighton racecourses, eh?
40:03That was before the war, Justine
40:05Was it?
40:07Well, what about all the street corner bookies
40:09And the Soho Spielers
40:10Before the gaming act
40:11And that shootout at Mr Smith's
40:12With the what's-his-name family
40:13And the thingy twins
40:14Your yearning for nostalgia is morbid
40:17I'm just trying to learn, aren't I?
40:19Yeah, well, the first thing to learn
40:20Is don't say nothing to nobody
40:21But the geezer was trying to strangle me
40:23Particularly people who are trying to strangle you
40:25Wait, don't they behave themselves
40:28Arthur
40:29Phil would like to see you
40:31I'm here
40:31We tried to find you last night
40:33Went to all the usual aunts
40:35But you'd had early night
40:37Imagine you on the high road to Scotland, eh?
40:39It's the Winchester annual trip
40:40Yeah, well, Phil's in his motor
40:42Looking at the afternoon film
40:43Oh, yeah, what is it?
40:45Stranglers in the night?
40:46Mr Daly's in a meeting
40:47Shut your mouth, kid
40:49You nearly copped it earlier
40:50Yeah, I see what I mean
40:51I told you, didn't I, see?
40:52You've reduced the volume, Justine
40:54Yeah, I'll be there directly
40:56Yeah
40:56One or no, eh?
40:58That's good night
40:58Is it?
41:00Yeah, but he's doing that, does it?
41:01Johnny
41:02Get too late
41:05Good match, was it?
41:06What match?
41:07Well, I assume you've been to a football match
41:09Mm-hmm
41:10That was two years ago
41:12Hamburg
41:13Hey, do you think they kept my job open?
41:16No, but I think they've got a nice gyro check waiting for you
41:19What month is it?
41:21March
41:22And the days fly
41:26Need a bought a ticket
41:27What about Phil?
41:28He's bigger than Phil
41:29Don't worry about Phil
41:31Guard that with your life
41:33Just cover me
41:34Oh, I will, I will
41:45Where are you going?
41:46Just going for a leak
41:57You're a lucky man
41:58What are you going about?
41:59You going mad?
42:02I've got egg on my face
42:03You're going to have blood on your throat
42:05What about that leafy, eh?
42:07You must think they're mental up there
42:10Now, look, it's quite clear you've got the help of that subbie
42:14I'm a civilised man
42:15An accountant
42:16I don't do things like this
42:18Pushing people around toilets
42:19Then stop
42:20I went to an academy
42:21I've got letters after my name
42:22Yeah, but what weren't?
42:24Forgeries
42:25How could you do it?
42:27It's football
42:28What are you on about?
42:29I've been on the phone since we got here
42:31They know
42:32They know
42:33Oh
42:34My associates
42:35They've got friends at Wembley
42:37Contacts in the ticket office
42:38They've checked the postal applications
42:40There are no missing tickets
42:41You're flogging forgeries
42:44I thought you were Steve Benson
42:46Could you, er...
42:47Yeah, sure
42:48I saw you against City
42:49Oh, about ten years ago
42:51When I was a kid
42:51Two late goals
42:52And then you got booked
42:53Not many like you now
42:54Hey, Steve
42:55Yeah, cheers
42:56Thanks
42:58Sorry about that
43:00He's got a good memory
43:04Do you ever think of going into management?
43:06With my record
43:07They want stable characters
43:09They don't want guys like me
43:10You know, in the gossip columns
43:12Into court, into scrapes
43:13I'd be a bad influence on the players
43:16Well, what about...
43:17And if you're about to say
43:17Why don't I buy a pub?
43:19I've had two
43:20And a restaurant
43:21And a sports shop
43:22Selling tracksuits to middle-aged joggers
43:24What about America?
43:25Even America don't want to know about me
43:27Got any other ideas?
43:30Mini cabin?
43:31Lost me license two years ago
43:33Dear
43:34We're talking about my career, Justin
43:36What career?
43:37So, Ray?
43:40I like George Hornby
43:42And Will Hay
43:43I mean, it's better than racing
43:45Have I done anything against you?
43:48Never
43:49Precisely
43:53I've got 400 tickets
43:56For England's Scotland game
43:57But it's not enough
43:59I meet you on the motorway
44:01By chance
44:02And you say
44:04You've got 2,000
44:08It's a question of respect
44:11I'm known as the man
44:12Who runs the ticket market
44:14That's why I'm going to Glasgow
44:18Suddenly, Arthur
44:19You're a threat
44:20Me?
44:21And a threat has to be curtailed
44:24Or destroyed
44:26Well, now that you explain
44:28I do understand your problem
44:31It's not my problem
44:32It's your problem
44:34Peace
44:35Or war
44:36Simple
44:38Well, be quite honest, Phil
44:39I'm not all that crazy
44:40About the ticket business
44:41I don't trust them wee jocks
44:45You have to understand minorities
44:47Oh, you've obviously got the gift
44:50Well, Phil, look
44:51You can have the tickets
44:532,000
44:548 quid tickets
44:5535 grand
44:58You're talking about silly money
45:00I'll give you half
45:01I've got to make a small margin of profit
45:17I'll get booked for that, shouldn't I, son?
45:22I hope you haven't spent that money
45:2622 and half
45:28I don't know, Arthur
45:30It might be a steward's inquiry now
45:32Eh?
45:34How could you do a thing like that?
45:37Oh, I don't know
45:39Professional foul, was it?
45:40Yeah, something like that
45:41Well, you get desperate, don't you?
45:43No, you don't
45:45What about the bloke in the office at Wembley?
45:47There wasn't a bloke in the office
45:50I stashed the tickets in the loo the night before
45:52It gets worse
45:54Well, we nearly got away with it
45:55Wee, wee, he says
45:57Well, you would have taken the money
45:58I nearly had a deal there with old Phil
46:00Ah, but that would have been dishonest, wouldn't it?
46:03I didn't know they were forgeries at that point
46:06Now, if Phil's gone off without a step
46:08To Glasgow
46:10Anyway, you'll get your money back
46:11Oh, yeah
46:12What about the 3% interest on the 18 grand?
46:15And the petrol
46:16And the gasket
46:16And the thermostat
46:17And all them pies and biscuits
46:19And all the aggravation
46:20That's right
46:21In the old days
46:22That would have been a definite kneecap job
46:23Wouldn't it, Arthur?
46:24And I'll tell you what, mate
46:25As soon as I'll get out
46:26I'm going to make it all up to you
46:27Because, I mean, like
46:28We're partners now, aren't we?
46:30Justine
46:30I never, ever want to see you again
46:33Or hear you again
46:34Nah, leave it there
46:35Just as we was getting on
46:36No, Justine
46:37Finito
46:39I think he means
46:40Arrivederci
46:41Valari
46:42Ciao, ciao, Bambino
46:43Auf Wiedersehen
46:45On your bike
46:46Pizza off
46:53Perhaps we should have used them as compost
46:55For your garden, Arthur
46:56Bye
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