- 55 minutes ago
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00:28I was walking down the street
00:41When this voice started following me
00:45I ignored all the things he said
00:49Do I remove me in every way?
00:53Really say something
00:56Really say something
00:59What are you doing?
01:10Nothing.
01:12Are you watching him next door?
01:14No.
01:16So?
01:17You're always spying on him.
01:22Oh, babe, he's filling buckets again.
01:25Oh.
01:26Right.
01:29Chaffinch.
01:30It says here that they typically breed between late April and early May
01:34with an incubation period around 15 days
01:38with roughly 11 to 18 fledge days.
01:42What are you going on about?
01:43Well, that was his excuse why he couldn't cut the edge.
01:45Chaffinch is nesting.
01:47Well, not if they're typically breeding between late April and early May.
01:50You're obsessed, Clive.
01:51Just leave him alone.
01:52Anyway, I like him.
01:55I think he's funny.
01:57Funny?
01:58Yeah.
01:59Quirky.
01:59Interesting.
02:00Not boring.
02:05Funny.
02:05You're Manchester.
02:19You're Manchester.
02:33You're Manchester.
02:33Mom.
02:35You're Manchester.
02:49You're Manchester.
02:49I don't know.
02:50Oh.
02:50But it's...
02:51I don't know.
02:51I don't know.
02:52Oh, my God.
03:22Oh, my God.
03:52What's going on?
04:14None of your business.
04:16Did you steal this van?
04:19Found it.
04:19They left the coins.
04:22Well, you can't take them.
04:25Why not?
04:25Find his keepers.
04:27It's all there's nothing left.
04:29Where do you live?
04:35What school do you go to?
04:39I should call the police.
04:40Piss off, Grandad.
04:41If you do, I'll tell them you should, you dick.
04:44Get them all in.
04:49Yeah, I mean, it was all right, but I doubt I'll watch any more episodes.
04:59It's just, I find I can't believe him in serious roles anymore.
05:03Not since I saw him crying in his pants on I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here.
05:07Right.
05:08Hmm.
05:09Like, I'm sure he plays a really convincing hospice worker, but once you've seen someone chewing
05:14down a kangaroo's anus on ITV, it's hard to suspend your disbelief, innit?
05:18Hmm.
05:19Oh, my God, is that Caitlin Thorncroft?
05:22Who?
05:23The newsreader.
05:25I've absolutely no idea.
05:28It is her.
05:29Oh, my God, I'm going to go talk to her.
05:36Hiya.
05:38Do you need any help?
05:39Yes, please.
05:40I do not know what I'm doing.
05:41I've got this pipe spewing water on the patio.
05:44I just need to stop it or seal it or something.
05:48Oh, this came off.
05:49It's split.
05:50Let's get you over to the plumbing aisle.
05:56Yeah, so this bit goes on the hosepipe first, and then this bit screws into that, and that
06:00should do it.
06:01That's amazing.
06:03Thank you so much.
06:05What's your name?
06:06Erm.
06:07Casey.
06:08Thank you again, Casey.
06:10You're welcome.
06:10Bye.
06:11Bye.
06:13Nice to meet you.
06:14Bye.
06:37Bye.
06:38Bye.
06:38Bye.
06:39Bye.
06:39Bye.
06:40Bye.
06:42Are you all right?
06:48What happened?
06:50Did you see her?
06:52Yeah.
06:53What happened?
06:54Why are you upset?
06:55She was just so, I don't know, so friendly and, oh my God,
06:59just so confident and successful.
07:02And she asked my name, but then she saw my badge and it's just...
07:06It's like she's not going back to the shit-damned flat with mould
07:10in the bathroom, is she?
07:12And she even smelled nice!
07:15Is this an official break?
07:16Because I don't remember telling anyone...
07:18She...
07:21What?
07:23Crying?
07:24It looks like it, yes.
07:27What's wrong with her?
07:28Get out!
07:38Let's get out of here.
07:42This cafe is named after the dog that found the World Cup.
07:58Pickles.
07:59Are you OK now?
08:11Yeah.
08:12Thanks.
08:13Sorry.
08:14I don't know what came over me.
08:17So, erm...
08:18Sorry, what's her name?
08:21Caitlin Thorncroft.
08:22Caitlin Thorncroft.
08:22Is she...
08:23Is she what?
08:24What is she, like, your favourite?
08:25No, I haven't thought about her twice before in my life.
08:28She's just someone off the telly.
08:31But it was...
08:32It was like looking through a window into another life.
08:36She had a driver.
08:38Did you see?
08:38Not a cabbie, a driver.
08:40Someone who just, like, drives her around.
08:42I don't know, it was just weird seeing her in real life in the shop.
08:48Yeah, yeah, I think I get it.
08:50She had a patio.
08:52Have you got a patio?
08:53I think so.
08:54I certainly used to have a patio.
08:56I haven't seen it for a while.
08:58Imagine having a job you actually gave a fuck about.
09:00So, what would you be doing in an ideal world?
09:06What job would you give a fuck about?
09:07I know exactly what I'd be doing.
09:10What?
09:12I'm not telling you.
09:13Why not?
09:14Because it's ridiculous.
09:16It's impossible.
09:16Well, it isn't because you thought of it.
09:18Honestly, it's stupid.
09:20Tell me.
09:20No.
09:20Tell me.
09:21I want to be in Neighbours.
09:27Pardon? Neighbours?
09:29No, see, because you're going to laugh.
09:30I'm not laughing.
09:31Neighbours, the Australian soap opera?
09:33Yes.
09:37Sorry, you want to be in Neighbours as an actor?
09:39Yes.
09:40Are you an actor?
09:41No.
09:44Mate, you can be in Neighbours.
09:46Why not?
09:47You just have to, you know, believe...
09:48Wait a minute.
09:49Wasn't Neighbours cancelled?
09:50Yes, sir.
09:52Don't worry.
09:53We'll bring it back.
09:54I'll start a crowd funder.
10:00What sort of character would you be?
10:04Would you be like the quirky English character that's...
10:06What, you don't think I could do Australian?
10:07Oh, right, you're an Australian character.
10:09Well, yeah, they're all Australian in it.
10:10Can you do the accent?
10:11Shut up, I wish I hadn't said anything.
10:15Bloody hell, Kate.
10:16I think that is fantastic.
10:19I'm going to help you.
10:21Just trying to think, have I got any contacts
10:22within the Australian Broadcasting Corporation?
10:25We can figure that out.
10:26We will bring back Neighbours, and you will be in it.
10:29Oh, yes, you will be in it.
10:31Cheers.
10:31Really annoyed that Gordon saw me cry.
10:40Why?
10:41Because he saw a weakness, he'll use it against me.
10:45Crying isn't a weakness.
10:47When was the last time you cried?
10:49I don't cry, it's a weakness.
10:52Seriously, though, you do cry?
10:54No, really, I don't.
10:55I can't remember the last time I cried.
10:58I bet you sob yourself to sleep every night.
11:01Don't, like, tell anyone about the Neighbours thing, yeah?
11:12Not even Brigham.
11:13Oh, you better not.
11:16Oh, yeah, you know when we were at the pub last week
11:18and you were drunk?
11:19I wasn't drunk.
11:20Right, well, you know when we were at the pub
11:23for Andre's birthday?
11:25What is it that you were growing in jars?
11:28Eh?
11:28You kept going on about these creatures
11:31you were growing in your shed.
11:33Magical sea monkeys or something.
11:34Did I say that?
11:35Was that just to you or to everyone?
11:37To everyone.
11:38Shite!
11:39I must have been drunk.
11:41Yeah.
11:42Well, can you see them yet,
11:43or are they still invisible to the naked human eye?
11:46No, they're visible now.
11:48Well, three of them.
11:49They're about this size.
11:51And what were they called again?
11:53A monkey lie.
11:54A monkey lie.
11:55Can I come and see them, then?
11:58I wasn't supposed to tell anyone.
12:00I can't believe I said that in the pub.
12:03Do you think they'll remember?
12:05I doubt it.
12:06They were all leathered.
12:08Can I come and see them?
12:09Reluctant face emoji.
12:11Come on.
12:12I told you about the neighbours thing.
12:15Maybe.
12:17OK.
12:18But you mustn't mention it to anyone.
12:22When?
12:23Weekend, maybe.
12:24Maybe.
12:25Michael!
12:27Hey!
12:28How's your monkey lie?
12:30Oh, bloody hell!
12:34Oh, he's fine.
12:35Here he is.
12:36This is him.
12:41Michael's asleep?
12:43Er, yes?
12:44Did you witness a robbery this morning?
12:47No, I don't think so.
12:48A security van?
12:49Oh, God, yes.
12:53Sorry.
12:53Yes, I did.
12:55Some kids were robbing the coins, little...
12:58Can we have a word?
12:59How many kids?
13:06Er, four or five.
13:09Or six.
13:10One of them had a wheelbarrow.
13:13And why didn't you report it?
13:14I was going to, but then I heard your sirens coming, so...
13:18As a witness to a crime, do you not think you should have stayed and reported what you saw?
13:21They said they were going to tell you that I'd exposed myself.
13:25Why did you expose yourself?
13:29No, I didn't.
13:30But that's what they said they were going to say, and I didn't want to stick around and be accused of it.
13:34Sorry, what...
13:35What are you writing?
13:39Constable.
13:40Sergeant.
13:41Hmm?
13:42Nothing.
13:43Did you see which way they went?
13:50Not really.
13:51Do you think you could recognise any of them again?
13:53It's unlikely.
13:55They were kids.
13:55They were just grubby kids.
13:57Oh, one of them had jam on its face.
14:00What kind?
14:01Of jam?
14:02Yes.
14:05Apricot.
14:06That's just a guess.
14:13What are you doing?
14:18What are you doing?
14:19Get back to work.
14:22Michael, do you mind telling me what the hell's going on?
14:25I saw some kids robbing a van on the way to work.
14:27That's it, Gordon.
14:28I can't have police officers marching in here questioning my staff.
14:31How do you think that looks?
14:33Hello, Hillary?
14:36Yes, I'll be right there.
14:37No.
14:39Yes, I'm on my way.
14:41Okay.
14:41I've got to go.
14:43My dad's had a fall at the home.
14:47I didn't have a fall.
14:50I tripped over the effing cat.
14:51Is that not having a fall?
14:53No, it's entirely different.
14:55A fall is what old people do when they can't be asked to concentrate on standing up properly.
14:59Number one, I'm not old enough to have a fall.
15:02You're pushing 90, Dad.
15:03Number two, I tripped over an effing cat.
15:10Well, we'll get the doctor to check you over.
15:12Make sure you haven't fractured anything.
15:14Can you leave us alone, please?
15:15I need to talk to my son.
15:17Hey, Dad.
15:17Don't be rude to Hillary.
15:19Well, I said pleased, didn't I?
15:20In a rude way, yes.
15:22It's all right.
15:23Do you want a good pair?
15:24I'm all right.
15:25Thanks, Hillary.
15:25So, how's it going?
15:32Are they growing?
15:33Are you sure you're all right, Dad?
15:35Yes, sir.
15:35The prophets, you said you've seen them.
15:38Are they moving?
15:39Are they eating?
15:39I can see three.
15:44The other jars are empty, as far as I can tell.
15:46Which three?
15:47Well, I think one of them is the king.
15:49He's got a crown.
15:50Yeah, good.
15:50That's right.
15:51And the others?
15:52Maybe a queen.
15:53Maybe an angel.
15:55That'd be the seraph, yeah.
15:57You've got to keep on top of the water changes and the feeding and continue to chant.
16:02It makes them strong.
16:04Dad, what are they?
16:05They look like people trapped in jars.
16:08What am I doing?
16:09Should I even be doing this?
16:10No, no, you mustn't anthropomorphise them.
16:13They're not people.
16:14They're not even physical half the time.
16:16They're supernatural.
16:18They don't abide by the laws of nature.
16:20They have a different set of rules which you're not even close to understanding.
16:23Then how do I know how to look after them?
16:26I mean, they look as though they're in pain.
16:28They look like they're suffering.
16:29But there you go again.
16:31Anthropomorphising.
16:32They exist in a different realm.
16:34They want to tell the truth.
16:36They need to tell the truth.
16:37So you keep them fulfilled by asking the questions you need to know.
16:41It says in the book they have to be buried in horse manure until they reach the state of divination.
16:48Oh, yeah.
16:49Yeah, venta equinus.
16:50Bowls of the horse, yes.
16:52But I think any farm you have manure would probably do the trick.
16:55Right.
16:55It's to keep them warm.
16:57Can't I just whack the heating up?
16:58No, no, no.
16:59Trust the recipe, son.
17:00It's all there.
17:01It's as much to do with decomposition.
17:03The breaking down of living materials to transfer life and vitality to the prophets.
17:08I'll, um, I'll pop back later.
17:14I am sorry about him being snappy with you.
17:16Bloody hell, that's nothing, love.
17:17You should hear some of the names I get called.
17:19Is he okay?
17:20Yes, he's just a bit confused.
17:22I'll pop back later.
17:24Hey, did he tell you I had a visitor earlier?
17:26Dad did.
17:27Yeah, was it your brother-in-law?
17:29Roy?
17:30Clea's brother?
17:31He came here?
17:31Oh, that's all right, is it?
17:32Your dad seems to recognise him.
17:33Yes, it's fine.
17:35Do you know what he wanted?
17:36What?
17:37Said he was just passing, wanted to say hello.
17:39Fine.
17:40Cool.
17:42Thanks.
17:42Bye.
17:46Roy, it's Michael.
17:47Michael, I don't want you visiting my dad.
17:50I don't know what you want from him, but practical strangers turning up just confuses him.
17:55And, you know, he has his routines.
17:57Please, don't visit him without me there, or without telling me first.
18:02It confuses him.
18:05Bye.
18:12Hello, Michael.
18:15Hello.
18:16Well, it's funny, I don't know if you remember you saying you couldn't cut your hedge, because
18:22there were birds nesting chapinches, I think you said.
18:25Oh, yes.
18:25Yeah, well, I was just having a look at this bird book, and I just noticed that it said
18:30that they nest in springtime.
18:34Really?
18:35Yeah.
18:37I think all garden birds do, so, yeah.
18:40That's when they, that's when they nest, Phil.
18:47Yeah.
18:48It's terrifying.
18:51What is?
18:53Climate change.
18:58Hello, Michael.
19:00Bev.
19:04Cheerio.
19:05Is it a kind of dream
19:25Floating out all the time
19:31Falling the river of death and stream
19:38Oh, is it a dream
19:41Michael, it's Roy.
19:44Give us a ring back when you get this message.
19:45Listen, mate, it wasn't me that came to visit your dad at the home.
19:49I don't know who it was, but it wasn't me.
19:51So, you need to find out who's saying they're me, and what it is that they want from your dad.
19:58Give us a ring back, yeah?
20:00Cheers. Bye.
20:00Hello.
20:12It's Roy, isn't it?
20:14Yeah, hello.
20:15I'm Bea.
20:17I was a friend of your sister, Claire.
20:19I think we met once a long time ago.
20:21Oh, OK.
20:22Yeah, I worked with Claire for a while.
20:24We did the antique stores together.
20:26I remember. Second-hand books, wasn't it?
20:28Did you hear from her?
20:29Uh, no, she, um, I mean, she, you know, she went missing.
20:34Yeah, of course, yeah, I was just wondering if anything had changed.
20:39What's your name again?
20:40Bea. Beatrice.
20:43Do you want to get a coffee or something?
20:46Yeah, OK.
20:51What's it been? Five years since she won?
20:54Nearly seven.
20:55Oh, wow, is it that long?
20:56Yeah.
20:57Yeah, I guess it is.
20:59You still doing the antiques place?
21:00Oh, no, that place closed down a long time ago now.
21:06God, do you know what?
21:07I just remembered that Claire used to rent a storage unit
21:10to keep some of the extra stock in.
21:14Oh, yeah?
21:15Yeah.
21:16I wonder what happened to it.
21:18I don't think there was much in it by the end, but...
21:20Yeah, I don't know.
21:21He had to ask her partner.
21:22He kept everything as it was.
21:23He still thinks she's going to walk through the front door one of these days.
21:28Must have been so hard, but...
21:32Oh, God.
21:34I've forgotten his name.
21:37Hamish.
21:38Of course, Hamish.
21:40Poor Hamish.
21:42Do you have his number?
21:44Is he still at the same place?
21:45Why don't you give me your number?
21:47I'll get him to give you a ring.
21:47Morning, Olive.
21:59Morning, Michael.
22:01You well?
22:02Uh, yes, yes.
22:03I'm very good, thank you, Olive.
22:06What are you up to?
22:07That looks like hard work.
22:09Yep.
22:10I have decided it's time to go for the fake grass.
22:12Fake grass?
22:13Yep.
22:14The old astroturf.
22:15I swear I wouldn't, but needs must.
22:19Are you sure that's not carpet, Olive?
22:22Carpet?
22:23No.
22:24Because it looks like it's got a pattern from here.
22:26Has it?
22:27Where'd you get it from?
22:29The fella came to the door.
22:31He had it in a van.
22:33Have a look.
22:34Hmm.
22:45Sorry, Olive.
22:50That is definitely deep pile carpet.
22:53Fucking hell.
22:55How much did you pay for it?
22:57I'm not telling you.
22:58It looks like it's acrylic, so you never know.
23:01It might last a while.
23:04At least it's green.
23:05Exactly.
23:06At least it's green.
23:07And I quite like the paisley.
23:20Hiya.
23:26Hello.
23:27Hello.
23:29What are you doing here?
23:31I'm good, thanks.
23:32How are you?
23:32Sorry.
23:33I wasn't expecting you.
23:35I've come to see your sea monkeys.
23:36It isn't really convenient.
23:39Come on, mate.
23:40You're sad.
23:42All right.
23:42Quick.
23:43Come in.
23:54Mind the brambles and the nettles.
23:56And the barbed wire.
23:57And the barbed wire.
24:06Hang on.
24:10They don't like it too bright.
24:13Right.
24:15It's like an opium done in here.
24:17Or a brothel.
24:18Don't touch anything.
24:20I wasn't going to.
24:25Are you ready?
24:27Ready?
24:28I don't know.
24:29Shall I be scared or something?
24:29No, definitely not.
24:32They can sense fear.
24:33Makes them freak out.
24:35Okay.
24:45What am I looking for?
24:47Tap on the glass gently.
24:48Hey, that's cool.
24:56How'd you get it to do that?
24:58What the fuck?
25:12George, don't shout.
25:15You're stressing him out.
25:17Please.
25:18I am so sorry.
25:21Casey.
25:22Ed and Davey need to get this last keg squeaky, please.
25:26They don't want to be over a barrel.
25:27I found her.
25:28What's that?
25:30I told you, a homunculus.
25:34That was the king one.
25:35You're completely terrified him.
25:37Oh, I'm terrified him.
25:39Hello, Bev.
25:48Are the others like that?
25:52Yeah, they're all different, but yeah, similar.
25:57Okay.
25:59Okay.
26:00Now I know what to expect.
26:02Seriously, though, if you yell again like that...
26:04I won't.
26:05Shut up.
26:05I'm ready.
26:07Now I'm ready.
26:19Shh.
26:19Oh, my God, I don't know what I'm looking at.
26:40Can they see me?
26:41I don't think so.
26:42I think they just sense that you're there.
26:46Are they all right?
26:48They look fucked.
26:52Are they, like, people?
26:55No.
26:55No.
26:55They're prophesying spirits.
26:58They're prophesying spirits.
27:00This is mental.
27:04And you can ask them questions about the future?
27:06About anything.
27:07Once they reach a certain size, and they will always answer with the truth.
27:12Yes.
27:13How does that work, then?
27:14I don't know.
27:19What, are you going to ask them?
27:22If Clea's ever going to come back.
27:24What if they say no?
27:33I'll ask if she loved me.
27:37Just need to know.
27:40If I can move on.
27:45Can I ask them something?
27:47If he'll ever be in neighbours?
27:49Yeah.
27:51What if they say no?
27:54Well, then I can stop hoping.
27:56What if they say no?
27:58Are you hearing this?
28:25I don't know who the hell she is.
28:26Have you seen that oil slip down there?
28:28And he's the one who claims to be concerned about wildlife.
28:31Well, the albatross is flapping about in that at the end of next week,
28:34because you know as well as I do, he won't be cleaning it up.
28:56I know we're older now and lost again.
29:07Down at the cul-de-sac you left, my friend.
29:18I put the kettle on the wise man's song for you.
29:27I love you.
29:28I love you.
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