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01:48Do you mean those things that people used to carry water in?
01:52Yeah.
01:54Oh, we haven't stocked buckets in a while, mate.
01:58Tell you what, you might want to try the vintage and antiques emporium.
02:02Do you see Celebrity Barrel Scrapers last night?
02:16Did I see what?
02:18Celebrity Barrel Scrapers.
02:20It's like, you know Barrel Scrapers, the show?
02:22Well, it's like that, but the celebrity version.
02:24I haven't got to tell it. Are you serious? There's a programme called Celebrity Barrel Scrapers.
02:28Yeah. Didn't recognise any of the celebrities in it, though. Apart from that bald bloke from, er, what's it called? It's funny, though.
02:36What did they do, the celebrities?
02:38Just, you know, scrape the barrels out, get them clean. It gets really messy. It's dead good.
02:44Hang on, you don't have a TV?
02:46No.
02:48Prick.
02:50Everyone's going to the pub next Friday, after work. It's someone's birthday. You come in.
02:55Whose birthday?
02:56The bloke who cuts the MDR.
02:58Andre.
02:59Mm-hmm.
03:00Maybe. I'll see.
03:02I think it's all again. It's about six, not a big white beard.
03:05Hit him there with the white beard! Him!
03:08Here we go.
03:12Did you tell that customer we don't sell buckets?
03:15No.
03:16He said you told him we don't sell buckets, that there's no call for them.
03:19Oh! Buckets!
03:21Is that what he was after? I couldn't understand what he was saying.
03:25Urgh!
03:26What time do you go to bed?
03:28None of your business, Gordon.
03:29It is my business if my staff are falling asleep on their feet, and they can't hear the customers properly.
03:35You don't lose your hearing when you're tired.
03:37PHONE RINGS
03:39Hello, Hilary? Is everything okay?
03:43Okay, I'll be right there.
03:45No.
03:46No, it's fine. I'm not busy.
03:48No, honestly, it's not a problem.
03:50Yes.
03:51Okay, I'm on my way.
03:56Got to go.
03:57Me dad's lost something.
03:58Lost something?
04:04Have you been on your break?
04:06Oh, hello, love. Sorry.
04:27No, it's all right. What's happened?
04:29I would have waited till you came in later, but he was upset and threatening to call the police.
04:32Really?
04:35Tina found this on his bed when he was at breakfast and brought it to me.
04:41He noticed it was missing and kicked off.
04:48Bloody hell.
04:50Right, erm, well, I'll see if I can get to the bottom of it.
04:54Thanks, Hilary. Sorry.
04:56Hello, Dad.
04:57Hold on. I'm glad you're here. There's a thief in this place and I've had enough. It's outrageous. I'm writing a letter.
05:15All right, Dad. Calm down. No one stole it. I've got it here. They didn't know what it was.
05:21It says quite clearly on the tin what it is. Poison.
05:25Well, exactly. They were worried.
05:27I'm not a child.
05:28Why have you got a tin of poison? What is going on?
05:32Give it here.
05:33One, two, three, four, five, six. Oh, they were all there. Thank God for that.
05:40I couldn't replicate these. Once they're gone, they're gone.
05:42Seriously, Dad. Why have you got six files of poison?
05:45This is the antidote that dissolves the homunculi. Only to be used in case of emergency.
05:51It was given to me. I don't know what's in it. And I couldn't make it again.
05:55Did you find the diaries? Mike?
05:58Eh?
05:59Did you find the instructions? Yes.
06:01Excellent. So have you got it set up?
06:03No, Dad. I haven't had time.
06:05Well, the sooner you start the chanting, the sooner you'll be able to get results.
06:08And the sooner you'll be able to ask about Claire.
06:11You have to chant to the bottles. It's all there in the instructions.
06:16What...what...what's wrong?
06:25This was in the journal. There they are. Oh, my God. I've forgotten I took this.
06:34Dad, I'm so confused. I thought that this was just a bedtime story. I didn't think it might actually be real.
06:40Trust me. You want to know where Claire is when she's coming home?
06:46They can answer any question, and they're compelled to answer truthfully.
06:50OK. Just remind me what they actually are.
06:54Homunculi. Prophesying spirits.
06:57Right. I looked up homunculus in the dictionary, and it said a very small humanoid creature.
07:04That's it, yeah?
07:06That's it?
07:08So what? A human? An animal? Is this legal?
07:13Well, it's not illegal.
07:15That doesn't exactly put me mind at rest, Dad.
07:17Trust me.
07:19Yes. Yes. All right.
07:21Before I forget, will you post some letters for me?
07:23More competitions?
07:25Yeah. This one's foot spa. This one's dog grooming classes, and this one's Lamborghini.
07:31Fingers crossed.
07:32Oh. And this one, you'll need a stamp. You'll have to go to the post office.
07:36It's going to Vancouver. To my old school friend, Vic.
07:40Oh, right-o. How is Vic these days?
07:42Much the same. Not much to say for himself, but he always asks after you.
07:47After me, does he?
07:49Yeah, yeah. Very interested in what you're up to.
07:51Did I ever meet him?
07:53Maybe once. When you were little.
07:56Right. Well, next time, tell him I said hello.
08:00I said hello.
09:03Hello, Olive.
09:04Hello, Michael.
09:06What you got there?
09:07Jars.
09:08Yep, jars.
09:09Big, aren't they?
09:10Yep, big jars.
09:11What are you sprinkling today?
09:13Ant powder.
09:14Oh, yeah?
09:15Little bastards coming indoors and eating all the cake.
09:18Wankers.
09:19Go to get them early.
09:20Otherwise, they start bloody flying.
09:22You know that?
09:23They sprout wings and start bloody flying all over the place on 4th of July.
09:27Independence Day.
09:29So I'm putting the powder down.
09:31Yeah, that'll learn them.
09:32See you later, Olive.
09:33Cheerio.
09:34Okay, Dad.
09:51I'm doing this, am I?
09:52I'm putting the clothes in the back of me.
10:12Hello.
10:12Hello, this is Michael.
10:14Michael Sleep.
10:14I'm just leaving a message.
10:17I won't be coming in today, I'm afraid.
10:19I've got a bit of a runny bottom.
10:20I've got a bit of a runny bottom.
10:50Morning, Michael.
11:04Morning.
11:05Er, morning.
11:07You just getting rid of some stuff?
11:08Yeah, just moving it.
11:10It's about the front here.
11:12That's right.
11:13It's only temporary.
11:13I was going to say, I'm sorry you didn't get a chance to take your edge back.
11:24Don't be sorry.
11:25It's lucky, actually.
11:27I spotted a pair of chaffinches nesting in the ivy.
11:30So I'm glad that we didn't disturb them.
11:34Chaffinches.
11:35Chaffinches.
11:39That reminds me.
11:41Your security light at the front is flashing on and off, on and off all night.
11:47Is it?
11:47There must be a branch or a twig or something waving across it.
11:51You probably don't notice it if your bedroom's at the back.
11:54I'll take a look.
11:55Yes, it's on and off, on and off, all night, on and off, on and off.
11:58It's like every few minutes.
12:00It's light pollution.
12:01It's disturbing the little chaffinches.
12:04Light pollution.
12:05OK.
12:05Just off to the DIY store.
12:07Do you need anything?
12:08No, thanks.
12:09Are you sure?
12:10I get a staff discount.
12:11No, thanks.
12:12All right.
12:42All right.
13:12All right, Skyver.
13:23I thought you had the shit.
13:24Shh.
13:26Don't let him know I'm here.
13:27Do you know what?
13:27I'm having to do twice as much work as you.
13:29Well, you usually do fuck all, so twice fuck all is still fuck all.
13:33Mm.
13:34Why are you here?
13:36I need you to get some stuff for me.
13:40Jesus.
13:40All right, let me finish my cig.
13:43And remember to get the staff discount.
13:46OK.
13:46Lysons.
14:02Okay.
14:04I'll do it.
14:05Bye.
14:05Bye.
14:05Bye.
14:07Bye.
14:07Bye.
14:07Bye.
14:07Bye.
14:08Go, go, go!
14:38Are you building a bop?
14:46No.
14:47Crystal meth?
14:49What?
14:50Well, what's all this for?
14:52I'm cleaning my fish tank.
14:54What fish have you got?
14:55Pilchard.
14:55You're lying.
14:57It's for a project.
14:58I'll tell you about it another time.
15:00Did he see you, Gordon?
15:01No.
15:02Casey, I just wanted to say, you've still got my credit card.
15:08You're welcome.
15:11I'm...
15:12I'm...
15:13I'm...
15:14I'm...
15:15I'm...
16:25Before the jars are sealed, in each must be placed a mineral seed item from which the homunculus will grow.
16:37The seeds must be carefully selected and be specific to the creature's station.
16:43For the knight, a brass key.
16:48For the monk, the nib of a pen.
16:52For the peasant, a plain undecorated button.
16:57For the seraph, a crystal of amethyst.
17:00For the queen, a gold ring.
17:05And for the king, a silver coin.
17:07As old as you can find.
17:09Why does he have to behave like this?
17:18It's like every little thing he does is designed to wind me up.
17:23I mean, what in the hell's his problem?
17:26Bev.
17:26Yeah?
17:29I'm saying, what's his problem?
17:31Who?
17:32Gandalf the frigging grey, who do you think?
17:34It sounds like you're the one with the problem.
17:36Why can't you just ignore him?
17:37How can I with that racket going on?
17:39Why can't it just be normal?
17:49What are you doing?
17:50Put a mirror down there.
17:51Oh, and that's normal, is it?
17:52You believe he's had the nerve to complain about our security light?
17:56Light pollution has accused me of.
18:00I mean, his place is crawly with vermin.
18:02The amount of insects in his garden is disgusting.
18:06Spiders, wasps, bees.
18:10And the effing sparrows chirping all day long in the bushes.
18:13That drives me insane.
18:27Great.
18:28He's praying.
18:29That's all we need.
18:31A religious fanatic.
18:34Bev.
18:36What?
18:36What are you listening to?
18:38A podcast.
18:39About what?
18:40Sex trafficking.
18:41Et ex prae cordis, sonnet prae conia,
18:50Resedant, recidant, recidant,
18:53Vetera, Vetera.
18:54Sacra solemnis,
18:55Ae unctus,
18:57Ae unctus i gaudia,
18:58Et ex prae conis,
19:02Sonnet.
19:03Sacra solemnis,
19:05Ae unctus i gaudia,
19:10Et ex prae conis.
19:12Ae unctus i gaudia,
19:26Ae unctus i gaudia,
19:26Ae unctus i gaudia,
19:27Ae unctus i gaudia,
19:28Ae unctus i gaudia,
19:29Ae unctus i gaudia,
19:30Ae unctus i gaudia,
19:30Ae unctus i gaudia,
19:31Ae unctus i gaudia,
19:32Ae unctus i gaudia,
19:32Ae unctus i gaudia,
19:33Ae unctus i gaudia,
19:33Ae unctus i gaudia,
19:34Ae unctus i gaudia,
19:34Ae unctus i gaudia,
19:34Ae unctus i gaudia,
19:35Coming to the pub?
19:36Who is this?
19:38Casey.
19:38Are you coming to the pub?
19:40What time is it?
19:41I don't know.
19:42Look, we're at the open as usual.
19:43You said you'd come.
19:45Why do you want me to come to the pub so much?
19:47I'm not asking you out on a date.
19:48I'm just saying we're at the pub.
19:50For fuck's sake, I'm just being friendly.
19:51All right, I'm sorry.
19:53Which pub?
19:54Open as usual.
20:01All right?
20:02Yeah.
20:03You all right?
20:04You made it.
20:06You must be made up.
20:08Yeah, I might start weeping.
20:16Oh, here he is.
20:19Weedy beardy.
20:21Hey, someone get this man a drink.
20:25Michael, Michael, are you a train spotter?
20:28No.
20:30Are you a virgin?
20:31What are you talking about?
20:32How old are you?
20:34Fifty?
20:35Fifty-year-old virgin?
20:37Shut up, Brigham.
20:38How old are you?
20:39Five?
20:40Look, he's free.
20:43My mate used to work at a restaurant when you worked there.
20:46Some burger place.
20:47Oh, yeah.
20:47Burgers, burgers, burgers.
20:49On the high street.
20:50Yeah.
20:50Said he stripped off in front of all the customers.
20:53Only to be vest and pant.
20:54Only to be vest and pants.
20:56What for?
20:57I was resigning.
20:58They wanted the uniform back.
21:00My mate said, right?
21:01He swipes a banoffee pie off the counter, comes out front, strips off, flips the manager of the bird and then walks out in his boxes.
21:08Is that true?
21:09Nearly.
21:10It was a sticky toffee pudding and I had to come back because my clothes and keys were in the staff room.
21:16Oh, no, no.
21:17I'm only having the one.
21:18I've got the car.
21:19Leave it here.
21:19Get the bus.
21:20Where do you live?
21:21Marvin Gardens, just off the Wilmslow Road.
21:23Oh, my God.
21:24Yeah, I know.
21:24Listen, it's a 20-minute walk from here.
21:26You're fine.
21:27Do you know Danielle?
21:28She used to live on the corner of Marvin Gardens.
21:31I was mates with her at school.
21:32I hadn't spoken to her in years, though.
21:33She went off to catering college.
21:35Oh, my God.
21:36There used to be this house on Marvin Gardens, right, that was just, like, full of junk.
21:41And, like, the garden was an absolute jungle.
21:43And, I mean, this bloke lived there, but nobody saw him.
21:45Well, Danielle saw him a few times, but, anyways, he murdered his wife.
21:51Yeah, everyone knew.
21:52I mean, the police dug up his garden and everything, but they never found out.
21:56They reckon he dissolved her in battery acid and flushed her down the loo, so he got away with it.
22:00How long you lived there?
22:08Oh, my God, that's your house.
22:18Did you murder your wife?
22:21I was never married.
22:24But, no, I've never murdered anyone, let alone flushed somebody down the toilet.
22:34Come to think of it, everything Danielle said was absolute bullshit.
22:38Michael!
22:38Michael!
22:39Do you like Star Trek?
22:46After a couple of weeks, after a couple of weeks, I can't find it.
22:50He's just looking into the...
22:51So, were you really an underwater welder?
23:04What's that?
23:05Were you really an underwater welder?
23:07Oh, no, I made that up.
23:10Do you know what?
23:10I knew it, you bullshitter.
23:12I went down the two-hour underwater welding rabbit hole last night.
23:16I mean, I watch videos on YouTube.
23:19I know everything about it.
23:20So, how does that work, then, the fire underwater thing?
23:24I'm not telling you.
23:25Your mate's story, it wasn't all bullshit, though.
23:37The police did dig up my garden.
23:40Did me a favour, actually.
23:41Had to clear up afterwards.
23:43They left it in a better state than it was before.
23:45Well, what were they looking for, then?
23:48My girlfriend.
23:50She left one day.
23:52She never came back.
23:54Everyone thought I'd killed her for a while.
23:58I didn't kill her.
24:00I love her.
24:03Michael!
24:04Do you collect stamps?
24:05Why do you find me so weird, Brigham?
24:08I don't get it.
24:09Just don't worry about him.
24:10No, I don't understand.
24:12Is it simply because I have a beard?
24:15Or because I don't go on the paintballing trips?
24:19Because that ain't that bloody weird, is it?
24:21Jason wears gold boots with wings on.
24:25But here you all are, ripping into me.
24:27Oh, careful.
24:28Watch out.
24:29We're stripped down.
24:30Bowling to his vestibule.
24:31You don't know anything about me.
24:35You knew what I'm actually growing in my shed.
24:39Stop right there.
24:40Thank you very much.
24:42What are you actually growing in your shed?
24:43What you don't know.
24:44Yeah.
24:45Is that I am actually growing homunculi.
24:49I beg your pardon?
24:52Homunculi.
24:53They are prophesying spirits that can predict the future.
24:59And I am growing them in jars in my shed.
25:03So when I'm winning billions on the lottery,
25:06won't be laughing there, will you?
25:08Eh?
25:09What the fuck are you on the boat?
25:11Homunculi!
25:12Get you home, yeah?
25:14Are you all right?
25:22I'm fine.
25:23So, what are you growing in jars in your shed?
25:31Homunculi.
25:33Homunculi.
25:35And what's a homunculi?
25:37No.
25:38No.
25:39Homunculi is plural.
25:41Homunculus is singular.
25:43And they are creatures.
25:44They're like little people.
25:46They're like little people in jars.
25:49Like sea monkeys?
25:50They're a little bit like sea monkeys,
25:52but they can predict the future.
25:55Fuchsia.
25:57I had sea monkeys once.
25:58They were really disappointing.
26:00Like the advert said that they were so eager to please,
26:03but my ones, they couldn't give an apparent fuck.
26:05They're not sea monkeys.
26:07They're monkey-like.
26:09Can I come and see them?
26:10No.
26:11Nobody can see them at the moment
26:13because they are invisible to the human naked eye.
26:16So, no.
26:19OK.
26:21You have to walk me home.
26:22I'm fine.
26:23Mate, I'm not walking you home.
26:24I live this way.
26:25Fine.
26:27Fine.
26:31This is me.
26:33All right, yeah, cool.
26:34Well, I'm just...
27:04I'm just going to see you before running.
27:05I'm just going to pee.
27:07I'm just going to pee.
27:23Okay.
27:23Is that right?
27:32Weg России.
27:33Oh, my God.
28:03Oh, my God.
28:33Oh, my God.
29:03Oh, my God.
29:05Oh, my God.
29:09Oh, my God.
29:11Oh, my God.
29:13Oh, my God.
29:17Oh, my God.
29:19Oh, my God.
29:21Oh, my God.
29:23Oh, my God.
29:25Oh, my God.
29:27Oh, my God.
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