- 3 months ago
A space for dads and father figures to explore what it means to show up with love, presence, and purpose. This workshop offers tools, stories, and support for navigating fatherhood at every stage.
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00:00Are y'all good? Essence Festival, it's Sunday, we're here.
00:03Because I heard it wasn't nobody at Essence Festival this year.
00:06That's what I heard.
00:08I'd like to welcome you all to the Suede stage, the Men's Experience.
00:12We're going to have a little conversation today about fatherhood.
00:14My name is Michael Barclay II.
00:16I am the Chief Events Officer here at Sundown Media Group,
00:20and it is my pleasure to host you at this year's Essence Festival Culture.
00:24On this stage, I have a brother by the name of Mr. Barry Hammond.
00:28He is from here in New Orleans.
00:32He's a retired federal agent who served 41 years, married for 44 years,
00:38and he's here representing Son of a Saint,
00:40which is a very powerful non-profit here in the city.
00:42Mr. Hammond, we're happy to have you with us.
00:45Thank you. Thank you.
00:49So every year in the Suede Men's Experience,
00:52we always love to have conversations that are very important to our brothers
00:56as one of the cornerstones of the black family,
01:01and we always like to talk about fatherhood
01:04and how that is very important to our culture
01:07and the things that we can learn from each other as brothers
01:09in going through this experience.
01:11Myself, I am a father of three.
01:13My oldest is 21, just graduated college.
01:16I have a 19-year-old who's also in college and a 12-year-old at home.
01:20So three-star general of fatherhood here.
01:23And Mr. Hammond, let's talk about your fatherhood journey.
01:27How long have you been a father, sir?
01:2941 years.
01:3141 years.
01:33Come on, clap up.
01:34That's 41 years of fatherhood.
01:36How many kids do you have, sir?
01:37I have two kids.
01:38A daughter, 41.
01:40All right.
01:41A son, 34.
01:43Awesome.
01:43Awesome.
01:44Yes, sir.
01:44Very important, Father.
01:45So we're just going to jump right into it.
01:47We're going to have a conversation today.
01:49First, Mr. Hammond, please, let's talk about your fatherhood journey
01:54and how did it all begin, your fatherhood journey?
01:58Well, I had a father in my life.
02:00Sure.
02:01However, my father passed when I was 17.
02:04Oh, okay.
02:05All right.
02:06But he had already instilled to me what it meant to work hard,
02:10what it meant to really be intentional in your decisions.
02:17Then when I became a father, I began to instill those same things in my kids.
02:24Absolutely.
02:25The importance of being intentional, being present.
02:28Yes.
02:29And also recognizing that being a father is a privilege.
02:34It's not for cowards.
02:35It's not for the weak.
02:36It's not for the faint of heart.
02:38So I believe my journey, it evolved as a result of my father, my brothers,
02:47my older brothers in my life that taught me that you have to be engaged.
02:53You talk about being engaged, sounds like being present.
03:00Also, I would imagine intentionality is in there as well.
03:04As someone who had a very storied career as a federal agent for 41 years,
03:09how were you able to be present with your kids while also having such a challenging career?
03:17Work was important, but it was not my priority.
03:21Okay.
03:21All right.
03:23Work provided me with a means to support and provide for my kids and my wife, my family.
03:31And what I tried to always instill is every day I had to be intentional on what my priorities were going to be.
03:41I could not make work my priority.
03:44Family had to be my priority.
03:47Was there anything in your work that helped your fatherhood journey?
03:52Was there anything that you picked up in that experience that you were able to utilize in your fatherhood?
03:57Structure.
03:59Absolutely.
03:59Being an agent for the government for 33 years, structure is important there,
04:05and structure is very important in a family.
04:08Structure is very important in a kid's life.
04:12And it's not that they necessarily need it, they want it.
04:15And you have to mentor and show these kids what it takes to be successful
04:20because your kids will see the good, the bad, and the ugly.
04:24And they have to understand that every day won't be easy.
04:28But they have to see you get up and keep putting each foot before each other every day to make it happen.
04:36You talk about every day won't be easy.
04:39What are the hardest lessons that you've learned on those not easy days?
04:44What are the hard lessons that you've learned there?
04:45Well, juggling the challenges, some of the things were really being intentional on recognizing that home was first.
04:57Even when a job takes you away from home, you still have to check in.
05:03Find out whether or not things were in order.
05:07And then leave each other, meaning the kids as well as those that you're rearing, with accountabilities.
05:14Hey, I'm not there, but I have an expectation of you to do this, this, this.
05:19And then hold them accountable for doing it.
05:23Absolutely.
05:24Absolutely.
05:26I'm going to shift gears a little bit.
05:28There's a lot of talk now, especially in the black community, about mental health and wellness.
05:34You don't hear it as much when it comes to the men and definitely when it comes to the fathers.
05:39But what does healing and mental health look like for black fathers as far as your opinion?
05:48I would say the mental health aspect, first and foremost, they have to understand their vertical relationship with the Lord
05:57and what the responsibility he has for them as a father.
06:02And then pass that along to their children or anyone that they are mentoring.
06:08One thing that I find in a black and brown community, with the incarceration rate being so high,
06:17it starts at adolescent, teenagers, young adults, because they don't see the role model before them.
06:27So I think mentoring is so, so important because they have to see you can't become what you don't see.
06:34So you have to see someone who have come from the trenches and made it, as you would say,
06:41and show them this is what it's going to take for you to make it.
06:45And you mentioned the vertical relationship that the father has with God.
06:51How does faith and the relationship with God play into that?
06:55It's critical.
06:55I think of a biblical principle that says the harvest is truly plentiful, but the laborers are so few.
07:04And then I also think of a biblical principle when it comes to faith,
07:07which says that we ought to train our children in the way they should go,
07:11where when they get old, they won't depart from it.
07:15That's the missing link.
07:17I find they're chasing the dollar and home is going undone.
07:25As someone who's been a father for 41 years, myself, I've been a father for 21 years.
07:31What is something that you wish you had known or that someone had told you before you became a father?
07:37It's hard.
07:39It's hard.
07:40It's not easy.
07:41Yeah, I think for me, when people ask me about fatherhood and they say,
07:47I don't think I'm ready, and I tell them, you're not ready.
07:51You're never going to be ready because fatherhood is ever evolving.
07:54What you need to be for your infant child is different from what you need to be for your toddler,
07:59different from what you need to be for a teenager and an adult child.
08:02So you're never ready.
08:03But you hit it earlier, but you must be present.
08:07Absolutely.
08:08So as long as you're present, you'll be okay.
08:10Well, you have to be present, you have to be intentional, and most of all, you have to be committed
08:17because it's not going to always be easy, and your children are not going to always embrace
08:23your consistency of expectations because they're going to buck the system,
08:31but you have to still be consistent.
08:33They're definitely going to buck the system.
08:35I have some, I got some habitual line steppers in my family, so yeah.
08:39Speaking of, you know, is there anything that you would change in your fatherhood journey?
08:48Looking back, is there anything that has happened that you just, you know, now,
08:52with the foresight that you have now, would you change and go back?
08:54At this point, looking back, I would say, no, because I had become a Christian before I was a father.
09:05So I understood what I was getting into, but I didn't realize it would be as hard as it was.
09:12Being a leader, being a mentor, being an example.
09:16So I was prepared, per se, for it, but there are so many unknowns when you deal with children.
09:25I would say from zero to 12, your children would think you everything.
09:29When they become teenagers, you don't know nothing.
09:34You don't know nothing, yeah.
09:35By the time they reach 25 or 30, then all of a sudden the tides start to changing.
09:39Yep.
09:40And then they recognize, well, he was bright, he was smart, he was a genius,
09:44but they didn't know it at that time.
09:47Yeah.
09:48So does that take patience on your behalf?
09:50A lot of it.
09:51Yeah.
09:51Take patience and faith.
09:54And faith.
09:55Because, again, you go into those teenage years where you don't know anything,
10:00especially if you got girls.
10:02I know my little girls, they kind of know anything when they were teenagers.
10:05But then, again, when they come out of that, they were listening.
10:09So the patience and the faith, you see, oh, they actually were listening after all of that.
10:12So I think those are very important keys to the fatherhood.
10:16And to me, as a father, you do what you know best when you do it.
10:24So looking back and trying to change, it's really difficult to do because you learn,
10:28and as you know better, you do better.
10:29So it's really difficult to go back.
10:31So I agree with you 100%.
10:32And learn to be truthful.
10:34Yes.
10:34Even though when the truth is not easily received.
10:38Sometimes the truth is very painful at the moment.
10:43It's painful.
10:44But the long term, they will look back and they'll have a reference source to say,
10:48oh, I see my dad.
10:50It hurt me at that moment, but it was for my good in the long run.
10:54To be transparent, to be truthful, and honestly, to be vulnerable.
10:59Absolutely.
10:59You know, as a man, as a father, you're taught to be that rock of the family,
11:04that stronghold of the family.
11:07But I've witnessed with my children, they appreciate those moments
11:10where you just are honest with them.
11:12Absolutely.
11:13Because also, that makes it relatable.
11:16They don't feel like, oh, my dad's not perfect, so I don't have to be perfect.
11:19So I don't have to be afraid to make mistakes because he makes mistakes.
11:22But it's what you do with those mistakes.
11:24You know, I tell my kids all the time, you either win or you learn.
11:28Absolutely.
11:29And the more you learn, the more you earn.
11:32That's right.
11:32So if you put your education, and I often say to my kids,
11:38as well as to kids that I've mentored, I've been 12.
11:42I've been 15.
11:43I've been 20.
11:44Right.
11:45You've never been 66.
11:47I've given that same speech.
11:48So you should take the methods that I'm trying to instill in you,
11:53the message I'm trying to instill in you, to heart,
11:57because I've traveled the pad that you're on.
12:00In those moments, because I've given that exact same talk to all three of my kids,
12:07when they don't listen, then what?
12:10When they don't listen, you'll have to stay the course and be consistent
12:14and hold them accountable with consequences if they don't follow the pad
12:20that you're trying to instill in their lives.
12:22And how does that differ from, again, you said 0 to 12.
12:26I go all the way up to 0 to 18.
12:29But once they're 18 and up, I like to say you get promoted from a parent to an advisor.
12:34Absolutely.
12:35I agree.
12:36So when you see that, when they're at that, you know, 0 to 18, you have more control over it.
12:41But when they're 18 and whatever, how does that look when they aren't necessarily following or listening?
12:47I often say, I'm going to tell you what you need to know.
12:52It's up to you to do it.
12:54However, every choice carries consequences.
12:58And some consequences will outlive you.
13:01Meaning, one consequence can derail your life forever.
13:06That's for sure.
13:07It's all about choices that we make.
13:11And if you don't choose to do the right thing for the right reason, you're subject to be influenced to do the wrong thing for the wrong reason
13:18and then suffer harm as a result.
13:21Do you find that, especially for, you know, your adult, when your children transition into that adult phase
13:27and you become that advisor, how do you support when they may be going off the path
13:35or when you've given that knowledge that they don't follow?
13:39Is it a system of boundaries?
13:41Is it rules?
13:41Like, how do you figure out how to actually support them while allowing them to learn the lesson?
13:45Because I would often say two things.
13:50Trust what I'm telling you.
13:53Do what I'm telling you.
13:56And if you don't, you have to live with the consequences by yourself.
14:00That's that 18 and up.
14:02That's that 18.
14:03That's that 18 and up, for sure.
14:05Because I'm out there for your good.
14:07I'm out there to protect you from the pitfalls that you may not see.
14:10Yes.
14:11But if you make the decision to go contrary to what I'm trying to teach you and share with you,
14:19the consequences you have to live with, and then you can't hold me responsible
14:23because I've told you this will happen.
14:27I've definitely had that conversation with my 19-year-old.
14:31My 21 listens pretty well, but my 19-year-old, for sure.
14:34But as I mentioned before about mental health, you don't hear a lot when it comes to black men
14:41and black fathers.
14:42But in general, it's not a huge conversation about black fathers.
14:47It's a lot of misrepresentation.
14:50So what would you think, what would you say is not talked about enough when it comes to
14:55black men and fatherhood?
14:56One is vulnerability and not having to be in control all the time.
15:05You know, many brothers think that, hey, it's me.
15:10You lose yourself once you have a child.
15:12And you have to be vulnerable.
15:14You have to be intentional.
15:16Also, you have to be transparent with them.
15:21Yeah, I would say, you know, again, you don't hear enough about us being here.
15:29You know, the media, some media, not Essence media, we love black fathers at Essence.
15:34But some media would like to portray that, you know, we're not here, we're absent.
15:38You know, whether or not we're with the child, the mother of the child or not,
15:44I see more black fathers involved, and I feel like that's not shown enough.
15:49I know a lot of, every man that I know is deep in his child's life.
15:53It's not an absentee situation.
15:55That's a narrative that is put out there, and I would love for it to be more information
15:59and more light shined on actually black fatherhood, because we are here,
16:03and we're showing up for our kids every day.
16:07So this is a question, and we'll start to wrap up.
16:10But it's an interesting question for me, because, again, I have a preteen,
16:16I have an adult, and I have a young adult.
16:20And I often wonder, you know, through the life of their lives,
16:25the things that we've done together, what they think about their father.
16:28And my oldest, you know, can articulate it more now, especially around the world,
16:32but what is it that you would like for your children to think about you?
16:37The legacy I would love to leave, not only for my children, but for anyone that I mentor,
16:43I was honest, I was present, I was intentional, and I had the best goodwill at hand
16:50in everything that I gave them.
16:53And to really instill in him to continue to work hard, be I'm present or not,
16:58meaning physically present.
17:01So I really think that as a father, we have to leave legacies,
17:08where the day tomorrow, if I'm dating gone, they can still be independent
17:12and carry the torch along to their children and in their children,
17:16and it has to be a perpetual generation.
17:18There's nothing to add to that.
17:23That's exactly, you know, that's what you want.
17:25It's the legacy, it's the last name, it's the family, it's the lineage.
17:29That's all we have.
17:29That's all we got.
17:30That's all we had, and that's all I can give to you.
17:33That's what I say to my kids, this is all I can give to you.
17:35And then you can take it from there to the next level.
17:37Absolutely.
17:39So before we wrap up, is there anything, any final words on the journey,
17:44fatherhood, any words of encouragement for any new fathers,
17:48potential fathers, or anybody that's struggling with fatherhood right now?
17:52I would say to any young couple, any young father,
17:58is to recognize that it's not going to always be easy.
18:03Even when mom and dad get into it, you can't be allowed.
18:09You are in it forever, for life.
18:13This is a journey you must take.
18:15There is no books, per se, that can give you all the answers to the situations and conditions
18:20that you will find yourself in.
18:22But the first and most important thing, if you want to really understand what fatherhood is all about,
18:30is to align your will with God's will.
18:33And then you will be able to horizontally align your will with our fellow man.
18:39And after your children leave the house, find another family that may not have a father present
18:47and mentor those children, because everybody needs somebody.
18:52We are all results of someone sponsoring us or someone pouring into our lives.
18:57So it's important that we give back.
19:00I often say each one must reach one.
19:03I have two mentees right now that I have been mentoring since they were eight.
19:09They are now 15, 16.
19:11I look to them as if they are my children.
19:13Even though we have no biological, no family relations whatsoever,
19:18I met them through the Son of a Saint organization.
19:21And I love them just as much as I love my own,
19:23because I understand it takes a village to raise one.
19:28So for any father out there, new, old, be present.
19:34And be willing to accept the criticism that comes with being a father,
19:38because it's not easy.
19:40But if you're doing the right thing for the right reason,
19:42in the end, you're going to get the right results.
19:46Well, Mr. Hammond, I'd like to thank you so much for this great conversation about fatherhood.
19:50It's a pleasure having you here in the Suede Men's Experience at Essence Festival of Culture.
19:55Once again, I'm Michael Barclay II.
19:57Chief Events Officer at Sundial Media Group.
20:00I appreciate you guys coming out.
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