- 10 minutes ago
Jasmin Bowley is joined by Charles and Shireen Kuykendoll for happy hour.
Category
🏖
TravelTranscript
00:00Hello. Hey everybody. Y'all look so good. Come on now. Are you enjoying yourselves?
00:10On this day that the Lord has made? Amen. Well, hello and welcome to the Essence Food
00:20and Wine Activation. I am Jasmine Browley, your host. I'm also the business editor at
00:26Essence Magazine for all those few little articles that you see about money and wolves.
00:30We brought them over there. I am so excited to bring you today's Unwind Couple
00:36we love to party with. Y'all haven't been hearing this conversation over here, but this man
00:40has been hyping me up, okay? So this is going to be a fun one. You've seen them on Black
00:45Love and For Better or Best Podcast. We're going to dig into some relationship advice
00:51because I know all of us have so many questions about what these means without me doing.
00:55Hold on now. Hold on now. Oh, God. Um, and basically navigating dating to marriage. So please
01:03give them a warm welcome. This is Charles and Shireen. Hi. How y'all doing? Happy Sunday, everyone. Yes.
01:12Yes. Y'all look so good. Okay. So first question. Let's dig on in, okay? What is the key to keeping
01:19a healthy relationship in the day of social media? Because I was literally just having a conversation
01:23with my friend. If you post too much, people start speculating that you're not happy for real.
01:29Come on somebody. And you fronting. But if you don't post at all, it's like y'all
01:33hide them from the world. You hide the world from the kid and not the kid from the world. Exactly. So, can you walk me through how you guys balance it?
01:41Um, so I, social media is not real life. And that's just my take on it. Like, I think that everyone has problems. Everyone goes through stuff. And social media is literally just people's highlight reel.
01:55Like, I'm not going to post myself with my head scarf on in the morning when I just rolled out of bed. And I'm not going to post us when we're having an argument, right?
02:03So I think that in the world of social media, it can make you feel alone in your relationship. Because you're like,
02:09Dag, their life looks so perfect. And like, we're arguing. But in real life, most people are arguing. And if a couple tells me that they never argue, then I don't think they're real.
02:22I don't think that that relationship is real. Because I love this man, but he knows every single bite to push. Hold on now. Hold on now.
02:34And to me, when you really love people, those are the people that make you the maddest. Because they know you better than anybody else in the world.
02:43So for me, with my social media, like, my page is like a joint page because I just love this woman so much. And so I'm constantly posting her.
02:51But, you know, to Sheree's point, and I completely agree, like, it's your highlight reel. It's when you're dressed up. It's when you're at Essence Best on stage.
03:00That's what gets posted. But it's not. Actually, I do post it with a hair scarf. She'd be getting mad at me.
03:05Absolutely post it with a hair scarf. I'll do it on the story. But I think, you know, I show my reality on my page. And like, my reality is,
03:14being with this woman, being with my kids, and I'll let it be a reflection. But again, it's, it's obviously so many, it's so layered and nuanced.
03:23But I just like to show what, like, life looks like in actuality on social media.
03:27That's so crucial. So crucial. I wanted to pivot a little bit and talk about the many different layers of partnership when you work and you are in a relationship with one another.
03:39And I saw a little bit of that partnership when you scooted that mic up because he was covering you. We wanted to hear what you had to say.
03:45Okay. So can you talk to me about what it's like balancing working and being in a relationship with one another?
03:52Um, I don't think balance exists. I think there's ups, there's downs. There's sometimes when he's 60 and I'm 40, or I'm 70 and he's 30.
04:03I do not think it's ever equally equal. I don't think that exists. I think the balance comes in the fact that when he's overwhelmed, I'm ready to step in.
04:13When I'm overwhelmed, he's ready to step in. And through the ebbs and flows of life, there's just natural balance.
04:19Because there's times when he's doing more or I'm doing more. But I think on a day to day, I don't think that balance exists.
04:27And I think in the partnership, first, I think it's a partnership. I hear so many people talk about when I get married or if I was in a relationship.
04:38And I'm like, when we got married, I got rid of I. And what's good for the goose is good for the gander.
04:44And we talk about this on Black Love. I moved to the bay for him. I did not want to do that.
04:50But for me, if he was happy and I was going to set him up for success, why would I take that from him?
04:57And I'm a big believer in praying for what you want, asking God for what you want, telling him to put my family in the best position.
05:05And I can't stop just because it's not the package that I the perfect package that I would have wanted. Right.
05:11So I think in that partnership, understanding that sometimes it's going to be hard. Sometimes it won't be pretty. Sometimes you won't like how it shows up.
05:20But taking those times for what they are and kind of figuring out how you move through that.
05:27You see why I like this woman right here. So from a partnership perspective to me, we both understand our core roles.
05:34And obviously you pivot that as you need to. So typically up until like this week, I work two jobs at a time.
05:40That's just how I roll. And so she takes the front of the responsibility for like making sure the kids stuff is taken care of.
05:47And I'm understanding schedules. Hey, Charles, Thursday, block your calendar. We got to go to CJ school.
05:52So she kind of does that. I'm the cook in our house. So I'm not waking up. What's for dinner?
05:57I've already thought out in the two days before it's been falling. It's been marinating.
06:01You know, the things are thinking at that point. Um, and so that's super helpful.
06:06But also when you are partners and you do business together and you share finance, there's the frustration that can happen.
06:13Um, so I'm being real, you know, but the good news is this woman is so beautiful.
06:19So even when she, she pissed me off now, I look at it and I say, Lord, I let it go. I can let it go.
06:27Um, and so we try, we absolutely try to compartmentalize the other things and keep the love at the core.
06:34And that was one of the things that our therapist, we went through counseling and told us like, would you ever intentionally try and hurt Shereen?
06:40No, absolutely not. Would you ever try and intentionally hurt Charles? No. At the core is their love.
06:46Yes. So you know that every intention above that is not with the, with the malice or negative intent.
06:53It's really with love at the core. So you can get through anything if that's the case.
06:57Um, and so we work well and yeah, we balance it all.
07:01Oh my God. I love it. Love it. Love it. Love it. Love it. Um, you've already dropped so many gems, but I wanted to dig into the specifics.
07:08If there were three key aspects that you would say, um, were, you know, integral to a successful marriage, what would you say they are?
07:15I'm going to hop in. I'm going to go back. I'm going to get back. I'm getting in my bag now. I woke up.
07:19So friendship to me was the baseline to us now celebrating seven years of marriage next week.
07:27I'll look, I'll wait. I'm going to let y'all clock it up for that seven years of marriage next week.
07:32Um, four years, the day before that I had to make a way for it. Sometimes you don't rush everything.
07:37Sometimes you gotta make them wait a little bit. Be that I said, Nate, this was my homie.
07:42I built such a strong friendship with her that it just carried into our relationship.
07:46And like, I call her bro. Like this is my homie. Um, and I let out about it.
07:50The second thing is, uh, transparency. You gotta have honesty with each other.
07:55Like if there's nobody else in this world, I can be brutally honest with the goal.
07:58Like the deepest, darkest things that you don't tell your mommy, your brother, you gotta be able to share that with your partner.
08:04Because at the end of the day, this journey, you don't know what life is going to throw at you.
08:09But it's, it's, it's this. It's not this. It's not this that you look for. It's this.
08:13And with the highs that are highs, I want this woman by my side. The lows are the lows. I want this woman by my side.
08:18It's just a regular Wednesday. We'll be just chilling, watching one of our shows, Scandal. I took it back.
08:25Watch one of our shows. That was a good one, Karen. That's what, that's what I want by my side.
08:30Oh, I love it. Now see, you all are slowly unthawing my cold, cold heart.
08:36Cause I've been single for a while. And I wanted to talk about that a little bit.
08:40You know, when we're single, we have, or at least I do, I have very staunch, you know, things that, that I stick to.
08:48Stuff that I just won't abide by. You know what I mean? Not playing with these Negroes out here.
08:53But what, but what are some of the ideals, you know, that you all had about marriage when you were single that you no longer have today?
09:00I will answer this cause Charles knows I was very intentional about marriage and knowing that was what I wanted.
09:08And then, um, Charles can tell, I was telling someone the other day, I would ask Charles when we were dating, are you going to marry me?
09:14No, no, no. Are you going to marry me? Cause I know you want to get married one day, but is it to me?
09:19That's, that's the question.
09:20Because if it's not to me, let me know. So I can, we can be friends, but I got, I got.
09:24Yeah. Um, so I think for me, some of the ideals that I think when we're single, we have this perfect picture in our head of what marriage is going to be.
09:34And it's going to be so easy. And we're going to gaze into each other's eyes.
09:37And there's going to be butterflies and love. It's not that every day.
09:41Like I think marriage more is, it's more mundane. If I'm being honest, it's the monotony of it's Tuesday. Did you take out the trash? Oh my gosh, I got to pay for, um, I got to pay for summer.
09:51Like that is your day to day. But I think in Charles said it in leading in love and finding those moments of intimacy, of partnership, of looking at each other.
10:02We were online waiting for food and he's had a long weekend. He did so many events. And I was just like, I'm so proud of you. You've been so great this weekend.
10:09So I think even in the moments of monotony and life being mundane, finding those pockets of peace and pockets of love with your partner, being intentional.
10:19So dressing up, I know me, I work from home. So most days I roll out of bed. I roll into leggings and a sweatshirt.
10:27The leggings, leggings now.
10:29But when it's time to get dressed, I make sure I get dressed. If he's like, let's go to dinner, even though it's just me and him, I could go on jeans and a t-shirt, but I'm like, let me look nice for my man.
10:39You know, let me, let me look nice for him. Let me, let me show him that, you know, why he fell in love with me.
10:44So I think even in your everyday life, being intentional and finding time for one another, despite like everything else that's going on in most people's lives.
10:54For me, I think the, the, it was a misconception or something that you believed in when you went single that went out the window when you got married.
11:02Yeah. I thought that, you know, like the, I don't want to say butterflies, but like that it was easy.
11:07You know, dating is easy. And when you're dating, you have an out like, Oh, you pissed me off. Oh, I'm going back to my apartment or peace out.
11:15I'm just going to hang on the moon and not talk to you for two days. I can't do that.
11:18Even when she can make me just as mad, but somebody got to pick up the kids at two 30 or something.
11:23So I'm just, you, you got to get over it. And so I would say the, the second piece of that is that marriage is work.
11:30It's like an actual full time job. And as you think about going through your career wanting to get promoted and you want to hit new levels,
11:37you actually have to invest in it. You got to put time in. You also are going to change.
11:41You're going to develop new skills. You're going to want to bring that to the table.
11:44So you actually have to work at your marriage. Um, and if you approach it the way that you approach your job,
11:49you'll be able to navigate as life throws different things at you and you all continue to change.
11:54Like, I love this version of her. I love the 24 year old party twerk everywhere Shireen.
11:59But like, I'm loving like mom Shireen. She's still in there.
12:02I'm about to say, y'all would change. You saw the tone. You saw the tone come out.
12:06So I love like this version, but like as she's growing and developing, we're growing and developing together.
12:11Oh, I love that. I love it, love it, love it. You already spoke about how it's been, you know, a long week of, you know, fun and words.
12:18So I wanted to ask you all, how do you unwind after a long day as a couple?
12:24Okay. All right. Let's see. Let's see if our answers align.
12:27I would say after a long day, we watch a show. Like that is our thing.
12:31We are Netflix and chill kind of people. We like discovering new shows. We like watching old shows.
12:37What y'all watching right now besides Scandal?
12:39Scandal. Scandal.
12:41You got a show ten years ago.
12:43I know. What are we watching right now?
12:46I'm always looking for recommendations.
12:47Well, Real Housewives of Atlanta, Potomac, you picked. That is Sunday. What's today's Sunday?
12:52Oh, yeah.
12:53We're in.
12:54She set you in.
12:55ATL, we in.
12:56We're definitely the power finish.
12:58Yeah, Tommy's on his way in.
12:59Okay, so we'll pick up Tommy.
13:01Yeah, we tired of Tyree walking around everywhere.
13:03You know that was walking around here.
13:05Oh, Tyree, get a car, Tyree.
13:07I don't understand how you're a drunk. I just don't understand.
13:11But yeah, unwinding. So like I host events every weekend. So when I get home on Sunday, we go home early enough.
13:17We definitely hit in church. But if not, like we are in the bed by 4 or 5 p.m. cooked.
13:23We eat in the bed. We got like a table tray. And I don't move. I just like try and get my energy right.
13:29And I just laid up under her watching our show. Because people think I'm like this all the time, just jumping around all day.
13:35I'm like this, you know, what, 30, 40% of the time?
13:38Work time.
13:39Work time. But then I'm like very, very, very, very chilling at home. So we just like to hang out and just enjoy our kids and watch TV.
13:45Oh my God, I love that. You know, that actually sets into my next question perfectly because it sounds like you all recharge each other.
13:53But beyond that, what as a couple would you say are your superpowers together?
14:00So I think our superpowers are that we push one another.
14:05We are not, if anyone knows Charles, he is Mr. Hustle. He is going to get it how he lives.
14:12So I think, but I think he'll say I bought that out of him. I don't know that he was always like that.
14:18I saw something in him and I wanted to help nurture that and pour into him and help him.
14:23I planted that seed in him.
14:25So I think we do that for one another. It's like, okay, great. You celebrated. You did a thing.
14:30I'm so proud of you. What's next? What are we going to do next?
14:33Like, how are we going to up the ante?
14:35And I think we are very aligned in our goals for ourselves, for our family.
14:41And we want to support each other in getting to whatever that next level is.
14:45I am his biggest cheerleader. There is nobody that's going to root louder than me.
14:52Girl, you keep going. We're going to have to cut this short.
14:54Oh, Lord.
14:56No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
14:59I would say, um, I, what I love and I think our superpower is like, A, like our transparency and like, we don't forget where we came from.
15:07And even while we've been together, like, we, we got together broke. Like, we were broke. Like, I want to be clear.
15:13And as we are like starting to hit new levels and, you know, doing new things and experiencing life that, you know, our parents wanted for us and that we didn't imagine having for ourselves to be able to provide a better life for our children.
15:25Like, we still are like going to Cheesecake Factory and, you know what I mean? And like, Cheesecake Factory is phenomenal, by the way.
15:32Cause I said that on stage. I said, people look at me like I'm crazy. I'm like, we, I'm going to always go to Cheesecake Factory and Benny Hanna's for my birthday.
15:39I go to Benny Hanna's every birthday.
15:41Applebee's ain't hurt nobody.
15:43Applebee's a push now.
15:44Applebee's a push now.
15:45Applebee's.
15:46That's a stretch now.
15:47But sincerely, like, we, she from the Bronx, New York. I'm from the west side of Chicago. And that is in us. That is how we, come on now.
15:55That's how we relate to people. And we don't mind sharing our stories, sharing the ups, sharing the downs.
16:00Because we understand, like, that's where we came from, man. And we still on this journey together.
16:05You know what? I'm about to shake the room a little bit.
16:10I promise you I'm not one of those podcast sisters.
16:13But, what are you guys' thoughts on splitting the bills 50-50?
16:18Come on, Gabby. Talk to me, Gabby.
16:20You know that's on the top of everybody's mind.
16:22I'm definitely not Gabby.
16:24I think people should mind their business.
16:27Ooh.
16:28Never.
16:29Never.
16:30Pay attention to what happens in your own house.
16:32Come on now.
16:33I think that Instagram and social media has made it this, like, oh, if he's not taking care of you, then you need to leave.
16:41Like, that is not reality for most people.
16:44Like, most people are working every day, pooling their money together to buy a house, to get married, to pay the bills.
16:54Well, that's real life.
16:55So, when we were dating, we were long-distance for three years.
17:01So, our finances were separate naturally.
17:03But, when we got together, it was no, like, Shireen, save all your money and I'm going to pay all the bills.
17:09I'm like, that's dumb.
17:10Let's put all of our money together so that we can have a wedding, buy a home.
17:15Like, if that works for you, let it work for you.
17:18But, don't be influenced by people on social media that are living how they live and posting it.
17:24You don't know.
17:25My mother always says, you don't know what they're doing to get that life and you don't know if you would do it.
17:29Mmm.
17:30So.
17:31And you're from the west side, so you know all about the car crackers.
17:33I know all about.
17:34Scammers.
17:35Come on now.
17:36Comparison is the thief of joy.
17:38If you are happy and this is working for you and your partner, do your thing.
17:43Do your thing.
17:44I agree.
17:45Do whatever works for your household.
17:46But, like, in the Gabby, Dwyane Wade thing, it was like something that me or my guys discussed,
17:51which is the fact that Dwyane triggered her by doing the my, my, my, my, my thing.
17:57And that's why she feels like, did we talk about this yesterday?
18:00Oh, Kills with me on.
18:01And that's why she felt like, and that blew my mind.
18:04That she needed to pay her 50%.
18:05He pulled the power card on her.
18:06He pulled the power card.
18:07Okay.
18:08Yeah.
18:09He said, my, my, my.
18:10And she said, you'll never be able to say my again.
18:11We're going to go have.
18:12So, in our relationship, when we first got together, we both worked at the same jobs.
18:17We had the same.
18:18I lost my job.
18:19She was the breadwinner.
18:20She was taking care of me.
18:21And then things changed.
18:22You know, the Lord is kind.
18:24And so, I kind of, you know, I'm doing my thing right now.
18:28And so, when I started doing my thing, I got a little D-weight-ish.
18:33And I was like, it's my money.
18:35What, what are you talking about?
18:37And she was like, oh, okay.
18:38But, when I heard it yesterday, I was like, oh, that's nasty to do it like that.
18:44Like, it's ours.
18:45We're building this together.
18:46The only reason I can go somewhere on the weekend is because you enabled me.
18:50Because you're holding down the house.
18:51Because you got the kids taken care of.
18:53So, I can fly out to New York for a party and come back.
18:56So, it's ours.
18:57And that's how we live.
18:58And, you know, money is money, man.
19:00Like, everybody, just have your money together.
19:03Have your separate accounts.
19:04But, ain't no 50-50 in my house.
19:06Got it.
19:07Yeah, as long as the lights don't get cut off, you know.
19:09Come on.
19:10Go with the bills, man.
19:11Just pay the bills.
19:12Somebody.
19:13Just pay them.
19:14Okay.
19:15So, you guys are celebrating this anniversary, huh?
19:17Yes.
19:18Oh, happy anniversary.
19:20What wine or spirit are you all sipping to celebrate?
19:24Whew.
19:29Oh, so.
19:30Some Alize.
19:31So.
19:32You real Chicago.
19:33Honestly, I would.
19:34I would drink Nouveau over Alize.
19:37You remember Nouveau?
19:38Yes.
19:39So, for seven years, we are going up to Toronto.
19:44And we're going to see the queen herself, Beyonce.
19:47Yeah.
19:48Oh, my gosh.
19:49Yeah, next week.
19:50We out of here.
19:51And what we'll be sipping on?
19:52Honestly, we'll probably be sipping on champagne to celebrate.
19:54Okay.
19:55That's what we popping about.
19:56Seven years of marriage.
19:57It has not been easy.
19:58The road is not always linear.
20:00It's lots of curves and bumps and just things in the road and potholes.
20:07But we are here.
20:08And I am hoping for 70 more years with this man.
20:13I'll take it.
20:14I'll take 77.
20:15God.
20:16God is going to do it.
20:17I know.
20:18And as long as you end up drunk at the end of the night.
20:20All right, now.
20:21Who cares what you're getting on?
20:22I'm trying to find something platinum for the part.
20:24I'm trying to show up in a platinum, getting jiggy with it.
20:27A willinium.
20:28A willinium.
20:29I want a willinium.
20:30Yeah, a willinium.
20:31Y'all remember willinium?
20:32Oh, man.
20:34Somebody get my jokes.
20:35Okay, let's play a quick game.
20:37I'm going to name a wine.
20:38And you can tell me the perfect R&B romantic song, you know, that pairs with it.
20:42Oh, I like this.
20:43So, the first is red wine.
20:45We just had genuine over there.
20:47So.
20:48Red wine.
20:49Maybe one of his songs.
20:50I got this playlist called home entertainment that I play when I'm like cooking in the kitchen.
20:54Okay.
20:55And so the first one that came up to me was like.
20:57Lady bear, questioning if I still see you the same way.
21:04Charles just wants y'all to know he can sing.
21:06Charles just wants y'all to know he can sing.
21:07I lost my voice at Get Lifted this morning.
21:09Well, I can't even sing that way right now.
21:11But like a little music soul child came to mind for some rare wine.
21:14You know, making a little steak, making a little broccoli, some garlic, fresh garlic.
21:18Okay.
21:19Okay.
21:20Okay.
21:21What about white wine, Cherie?
21:22I think white wine.
21:24So, we're going to go back to last night.
21:26I think white wine is giving us a little jelly from Philly.
21:29Yes!
21:30Drink your white wine.
21:32Oh, my God.
21:33Who went to the concert last night?
21:34Did y'all catch a deal with that?
21:35She went absolutely insane.
21:36Let me tell you something.
21:37Jesus.
21:38She did something on the microphone.
21:39I said, Lord, you're going to have to excuse me.
21:40Oh, my God.
21:41Okay.
21:42What about Rose?
21:43Rose?
21:44I'm thinking a little Rick Ross.
21:45I'm not thinking to turn off Rick Ross.
21:46I'm thinking...
21:47I'm getting so cold.
21:48I ain't worked as hard since I was 18.
21:49You know, a little bit of Drake Rick Ross.
21:50A little bit of Dice Pineapples.
21:51You know a little vibe, a little aesthetic.
21:52And then, I feel like you've already answered this, but champagne.
21:53What do you think?
21:54Rick Ross. I'm thinking, I'm getting so cold. I ain't worked as hard since I was 18. You know, a little bit of Drake, Rick Ross.
22:02Diced pineapples, you know, a little vibe, a little aesthetic.
22:06And then I feel like you already answered this, but champagne, what do you think?
22:10Honestly, Nioh, champagne life. It's just perfect. That's your song. That's your song.
22:14Perfect champagne. Nioh going through it right now, so I wasn't going to go Nioh.
22:19Go Nioh.
22:20So, the 50th anniversary of hip-hop, just like wine, it gets better with time.
22:28So, what hip-hop song would you say has gotten better and better over time?
22:33Y'all going to laugh at me, but I don't care.
22:35It's not a mainstream song. I'm from the Bronx, so it is Remy Ma, I'm Conceited.
22:42Because I loved that song when it came out.
22:45It was a hype song, and now that I am in my mid-30s, it's still a hype song.
22:50Mid-30 tone-walking and Harlem shaking and...
22:53I'm still conceded. Big Bronx energy.
22:56Well, that's ironic because I was going to keep it hometown.
23:00Yeah.
23:00All Falls Down, Kanye.
23:02The Kanye with the one, that one, that version.
23:05Yeah, yeah.
23:07He's also going through it right now.
23:08Love it.
23:10Bless my hearts.
23:11Bless my hearts.
23:12All right, well, you guys have been given so much honesty and candor.
23:17I really want to thank you for being so generous with your story across all of the verticals that you shared.
23:22How can people find you?
23:24You can find us on our podcast page for Better or Mess Pod.
23:29And then my personal page is Miss, M-I-S-S, underscore, Demi, D-E-M-E.
23:37You can find me at R&B House Party.
23:39We rock and roll.
23:40We everywhere.
23:41We throw parties all across the world.
23:44Ghana, Croatia.
23:45So I keep going.
23:46Miami, London.
23:47Okay.
23:48Be that as a man.
23:49My personal page, F111906.
23:51Hey, Faist, I'll play with you.
23:53Oh, Lord.
23:54Well, let's raise these glasses.
23:58I love it.
23:59It's a black love.
24:00If you got a drink, raise it up.
24:02Cheers, y'all.
24:03Cheers.
24:03Thank you so much, everybody.
24:05Thank y'all for having us.
24:07God bless.
Comments