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00:00hey y'all thank you so much for joining us i am dr joy harden bradford i am a licensed
00:11psychologist in atlanta georgia and the creator of therapy for black girls and i am very excited
00:17to bring you a very special essence fest wellness house version of our three for thursday conversation
00:23so today i am joined by two members of our yellow couch collective i have mickey asbury
00:29hey mickey hi thanks for being here mickey you're welcome how are you i'm good i'm good quarantine
00:38still but good good i'm glad to hear that and then we have jasmine jones hey jasmine hi thank you for
00:45having me thanks so much for being with us how are you doing really good thank you i'm glad to hear
00:52that so i'm very excited for you all to join us so you both are long-time members of the therapy for
00:58black girls community and so i'm pleased to have you join me with us today um so that we can have
01:03our three for thursday conversation so three for thursday is typically where i share three pieces
01:08of information that help you to get your life together in some way for the week and then we
01:13have a little bit of q a about whatever is going on with you so today i thought it would be really good
01:18to talk about transitions yeah so i know lots of us have had lots of different transitions over the
01:24past couple of weeks mickey you've already shared that you're still quarantining jasmine i know that
01:29you are um i have been as well um and so lots of things have just gotten gotten really shaken up in
01:35the past couple of months and so i thought it would be good to chat a little bit about that okay
01:39that's good all right and of course i want to hear all your questions and also i'm curious about
01:45how you have been managing any transitions that have come up with you okay okay all right so the first
01:52thing that i want to remind you about transitions is that transition can be difficult even when they
01:59are things we are looking forward to so things like buying a new house uh getting married having
02:05a baby like all of these things are typically things we're really excited about and looking
02:09forward to but can also bring an incredible amount of stress of course and so even when transitions
02:15are things we're expecting and looking forward to they can still be difficult so that's the first
02:19thing that i want you to know about transitions the second thing that i want you to know about
02:23transitions is that in order to really process what it means to go through a transition you really
02:29have to grieve what was for what's next right and so again even though things um we may be looking
02:37forward to the transition there's still a piece of us that we're going to have to leave behind right
02:42so when we think about maybe becoming a mom or getting partnered long term there's a piece of our lives
02:48that are never going to be the same again and so that type of transition we have to grieve what was
02:53to get to really uh look forward to what's next so that's the second thing and then the third thing
02:58that i want you to know about transitions is that even though they may be difficult it doesn't mean that
03:04you've made a mistake right so sometimes i think and i think this happens especially um when we have
03:10like new jobs like so we get on the new job and we're like oh was this really a good idea right
03:15so we haven't even given ourselves a chance to really get acquainted with the new role and those
03:21kinds of things and so we start thinking oh was this a mistake but it doesn't necessarily mean that
03:25it was a mistake it just means that you need to give yourself a little bit more time to wade into
03:30the transition process so those are the things like i said that i want you to know about transitions
03:35but like i said also want to hear how you have managed transitions in your life maybe recent ones or
03:41things in the past well i guess dr joy i um have a 19 year old and a 20 year old and as um a mom of
03:52boys just transitioning from the helicopter parent to um them kind of being independent and i think that
04:00how you were just saying that is just navigating that and mourning the fact that they don't really
04:05need mom as much they're really independent and my husband and i well my husband of course just
04:11tries to make sure that you know i'm not as helicopter you know helicopter parent as much
04:15but you do have to mourn the fact that they were your baby you know and now they can kind of you
04:21know drive and do things on their own and have their own checking accounts and stuff like that and so
04:26i didn't really mourn that fact and so i kind of sat in the fact of do they need me as much as they do
04:33and things like that so what you just said i just um took a note here because what you just said it
04:38really really helps me just kind of be okay with the fact that it's over it's done move on and then
04:45just also celebrate the fact that this is what you what we're raising we're raising adults
04:50you know i just have to remember that and keep reminding myself
04:55yeah you raise a really good point mickey right like you can both celebrate and you know be excited
05:01about the fact that they are young adults but also be sad that the babies are gone yes
05:06yeah yeah yeah what about for you jasmine absolutely so one of the major transitions for
05:15me was that you know within the last two years like i got engaged and then we also have just been
05:21kind of merging lives um and that was a big transition for me because going from a person in
05:27their 20s who's just kind of living for themselves um to everything that comes with being in a
05:33relationship just getting to know another person getting to know yourself as a person that's in a
05:38relationship all of that and then managing your other relationships in your life still trying to
05:43balance everything um that's a good transition and it doesn't i know whenever you say grieve which
05:49you had before it sounds so so it sounds kind of like we're sad about it and i don't want to say the
05:56word is sad but it definitely is just a big change it definitely is um greeting that and just kind of
06:01journaling and processing through of course i got journaling from dr joy because so that's definitely
06:10something that's been helping me so you brought up journaling so i'm curious to hear what other
06:16kinds of things have helped you all to process transition experiences
06:19three for thursday
06:23i make sure i have the it's it's on my um site and then of course the yellow couch collective i have
06:32to give a shout out i mean it really is just something that's right there that you can just
06:37kind of plug in and your sisters are right there it's a whole tribe the facebook group helps if you
06:42just have like a quick question um it just also says accountability and you know oftentimes you
06:49know especially in isolation we've been isolating ourselves you know just kind of being independent
06:55with our mind and i have to kind of shake it up you know don't don't not turn the notifications off
07:01and you know when something clicks be intentional about seeing it because it may be something that
07:06you're going through so i would say social media and as an educator i'm not really a social media
07:11person of course 180 days out of the year because i'm something to somebody else but in quarantine
07:17social media and i have become friends again
07:19yeah yeah absolutely you bring up a good point about the yellow couch collective those check-ins
07:28throughout the week um they've been great for me i get so much information from everyone in there
07:32um another thing is just making sure that i'm being intentional about taking time for myself
07:37even if it's just 20 minutes to come and meditate or take a bath or just sit by myself
07:43um that's something that i really had to dedicate and and taking space like just sitting in the car
07:50um when you're home for so long during quarantine it can be i see these same walls every single day
07:56all day so just stepping away for a second is really good when it comes to like processing where we are
08:01right now mm-hmm yeah those are definitely great great ways to reach out i think things that have
08:08helped me in transition is really uh leaning on my support system um and really having a non-judgmental
08:14space so my support system which includes my own therapist right and having a non-judgmental space to
08:20say like i'm really worried about this thing or i am having more trouble letting go of this thing
08:26even though i'm excited about the new thing that's coming up right right because i think sometimes when we get in
08:31our own heads we can really do a lot of shaming ourselves about like don't be silly girl like
08:36this is a great new opportunity or whatever um but being able to give voice to those things even if
08:41they feel small with somebody who cares about us and will not judge us i think really has made a
08:47difference for me too yeah i love that i really do yeah mm-hmm what about your support systems have
08:54they been helpful for you in terms of uh moving through transition yeah um i actually have a
09:02facebook um support system that's just literally we start the conversation no judgment if you burn the
09:08fish or if you didn't cook today or are you still in your pajamas you know it's kind of okay with that
09:14kind of stuff but it really has just kind of held the accountability that you just really um we were
09:20talking the other day and it's like no mask you know i don't know you know when we when the pre-covid
09:26you wonder how many times you showed up with a mask on and you couldn't really have intentional
09:31conversations and um i couldn't say you know i think that you know everybody can probably say at
09:37some point in their lives they've kind of worn a mask but you kind of i've kind of taken the mask off
09:42and just really been transparent it's just like the lashes they had to come off and the nails and
09:46all of the things right it's just all relative but you know we were just talking about just really
09:53being intentional about showing up to every conversation every moment who you are and it's
09:58not as exhausting you know it's you find yourself having conversations and you leave like
10:03so it's a deep breath yeah yeah yeah being vulnerable is definitely something that i've been
10:10tapping into during this time um just whether it's a group chat with friends or with family
10:16or like you said social media um i feel like everyone is kind of like uh i'm still in my
10:22pajamas or like you said like i haven't cooked or no all these things are kind of just all collectively
10:27making it and especially what's going on in our um climate in our country i see a lot more black
10:34women just leaning on each other just whenever i walk through the store and i see black women i'm
10:39just like smile big at them and i feel like collectively are like oh yes right right it feels
10:47like it's a good feeling it really is yeah it really i hope i hope that we are able to you know
10:54once the country opens up a little bit more people are moving about a little more freely i hope that we
10:59are able to hold on to some of these things that it feels like we've been really doing a good job of
11:03cultivating in these times because i think they will serve us well as we continue to kind of move
11:08through our life i agree i agree you know we i think we've taken just that little you know walk
11:14in the park or like um jasmine was saying you know i was just at best buy and i mean it's like a group
11:20of black women pass by and they're like hey sister how you doing and i'm like i wonder what we have
11:26taken this much time to see each other you know it's like we're really looking at each other and really
11:32looking past our souls and i think this is what our ancestors talked about you know they talked about
11:37us really being intentional and looking at each other's you know what they're going through and
11:42how they're feeling i mean you know even this conversation alone it's an accountability
11:46conversation because you have to show up truly you know who you are and i'm just hoping like you dr joy
11:52that even as we get back to the hustle and bustle that we don't forget you know this time to really
11:57be intentional with each other very good point very good there mickey i appreciate that so something
12:03that i just wanted to leave you with as we wrap up this conversation and again you both
12:07know this because you've been a member of our community for some time you know i love
12:11a good resource um and so you know that one of my favorite books especially for dealing with things
12:16like transitions because i think we can get really critical of ourselves um so a great book to check
12:21out would be self-compassion um so if you don't have a copy of that book and workbook there's a book
12:26called self-compassion by dr kristen neff that really talks about how we can be gentle and kind
12:31with ourselves especially when we're going through difficult things so if that is something
12:36that you struggle with and that would be a resource i think you would appreciate and want
12:40to check out well we have to wrap up for today um thank you both again for joining me for this
12:46conversation you're welcome enjoy yeah if you enjoy this kind of thing then definitely join us on
12:52facebook and instagram every thursday at 12 new eastern for our continuing three for thursdays
12:57and we will see you all soon take care bye thank you thank you
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