Setting Boundaries

Essence Content

Panelists: Dr. Ayanna Abrams Dr. Jennifer Kelly Dr. Ajita Robinson

Transcript

00:00hello everyone i am so glad that you are here thank you for joining us at the essence wellness

00:14house 2021 i am so happy to be here today as a moderator for this next conversation

00:22about boundaries my name is dr ayana abrams and i'm a licensed clinical psychologist in atlanta

00:28georgia i'm the ceo and founder of ascension behavioral health the solo mental health

00:33practice and i'm also the co-founder of not so strong which is a platform that i created with

00:38my co-founder dr kimberly sanders on to focus on vulnerable storytelling and meeting the needs of

00:43black women i have two wonderful guests with me here today so the first i will introduce dr ajetta

00:50robinson hello hi it's a pleasure to be here yes glad we're together today dr ajetta robinson is a

00:57grief and trauma therapist a speaker and the author of a recent book that she wrote called

01:03the gift of grief our other guest will be dr jennifer kelly thank you for having me here

01:11dr jennifer kelly is the current president of the american psychological association her area of

01:18specialty is clinical health which focuses on the relationship between one's emotional and physical

01:23health so we don't have too much time today so i want to jump right into this conversation about

01:29boundaries boundary setting what's up with this word and this practice um that we've been hearing

01:35about right so boundaries is already a buzzword but i would say that probably 20 maybe even 2019

01:40but 2020 and definitely 2021 it's become this big buzzword um and it becomes a a conversation that

01:48people want to know about people want to know how to practice but i'm finding that not only clinically

01:53um but also just on social media and in my personal life people don't really know what they are you

01:59hear about it and you hear that you should have them and do it and set them but people are just like

02:04i don't know how right um so what i think would be really helpful is to have some examples of boundaries

02:09so could each of you tell me um what are two types of boundaries and and describe them a bit for us

02:16absolutely and so i would start with physical boundaries and so physical boundaries is probably

02:22one of the most tangible to recognize and so oftentimes our physical boundaries relate to our

02:28body um in proximity to others our body in relation to touch um our body in relationship to even

02:35movement or rest and so creating boundaries with respect to our body um really is about that physical

02:41nature of how we hold boundaries relative to our physical proximity um and the other one that i

02:48would um i think i work with most commonly as a trauma therapist is psychological or emotional

02:53boundaries and so those are with respect to those internal resources so um things that create emotional

02:59labor or distress um or more than discomfort right it can create emotional wounding um for us and so

03:07those are things that we want to be mindful of that we have different needs um and different comforts as

03:13it relates to both physical and emotional boundaries yes and when i think about boundaries i think about them

03:19in two big categories one is more the personal boundaries and then i look at the more professional

03:25boundaries and when i think about the personal boundaries i think of you know family and friends

03:31uh where there is the boundaries uh in terms of the time uh and just uh overextending your time and i also

03:38think about it could be even financial boundaries so i'm thinking more of the financial and time boundaries

03:45when it comes with the family and then when i think about professional i would think about the boundaries

03:50with work uh i'm here for a certain period of time please respect my boundaries and know that i'm going to be

03:57here within this certain period of time and and then that allows you the uh the opportunity to take

04:03care of yourself when um that time is otherwise uh all the boundaries get really uh fused together

04:11and you don't end up taking care of yourself that's a really good point you know what i what i was hearing

04:17in both of your responses was you know the knowing that your boundaries are unique to you i was hearing dr

04:25robson talk about your your body right your psychological and emotional health and kind of

04:30rules for yourself that only you can make i'm hearing dr kelly talk about you know professionally and even

04:36like your time and your energy that's that's based on you so boundaries are something that are really

04:40unique do you think that people know that that boundaries are are theirs and only they can set them

04:45i think there's a lot of um uncertainty or confusion about what boundaries are i think boundaries have

04:52gotten kind of a bad rap um i think boundaries are about limitations but also capacity right um and we

04:59all have different limitations in different capacity that varies it ranges depending on the situation or

05:05circumstance um i think oftentimes the boundaries or the rules of engagement whether it's emotional or

05:12physical or professional or personal is often imposed by societal norms and expectations

05:18that can often lead to the confusion and the internalization of the boundaries that other

05:23people have for us or the rules around those boundaries that other people might otherwise impose

05:28but and i i think that the other the part of that that's important is that what is our relative

05:34because the boundaries that i set for myself would be could be very different for the boundaries that

05:40you set and so it's going to be based on what you feel like your needs are what your values are

05:45which leads right into my my next question why do do both of you um believe or kind of in your

05:52clinical um or even personal experience why are boundaries so hard to to set and to enforce and to

05:59stick stick with yeah i think that one component of it is the social conditioning and especially if

06:09if you are and i would say if you're a black female there's like we are and and if you throw religion

06:14in it that's another whole different story in the culture because we are always supposed to be the

06:20person that's there for everyone and so what ends up happening is that when you are so conditioned to

06:28taking care of other people sometimes that can be to the expense of taking care of yourself

06:34and the other one is that you you you want to be liked and so you don't want to say no and so and as we

06:41get to that point where we don't want to say no we end up giving up too much of ourselves and so

06:47you want to make sure that whatever you do fits into your value system

06:52and i absolutely agree with everything that dr kelly just stated um i think that our social programming

07:00and norming um and societal pressures makes it really hard to maintain boundaries but we also

07:06receive a lot of programming regarding um giving and serving and not enough around regarding self

07:12preservation self-care and rest and so i think that is so so important um that we're able to kind of

07:18reorganize the way that we're thinking about what it means to be in service right i often talk about

07:23serving from the overflow as opposed to from an empty cup um might help us reorganize what we believe

07:29our responsibility to others might be yeah you know those are those are really great points and i'm

07:35thinking about the the intersection of race and gender for black women and and how that conditioning

07:41and social programming specifically impacts us at that unique intersection um so there's something

07:47about that that makes that kind of us having that kind of relationship or creating those kind of

07:52relationships harder with people is that because we are demanded upon in different ways or kind of

07:58called to serve in different ways because we are black women um i think the intersection of that of our

08:03identity right i think part of it is um we are raised as nurturers right we are um expected even um

08:11and to some extent um i wonder how often we become good at doing something because we're truly intrinsically

08:19good at doing something as opposed to we have a lot of experience doing the thing right um and i think that

08:24it also relates a lot to taking care of others being advocates being nurturers um and doing it in ways

08:32that are about the collective good even when it's at the expense of our individual kind of selves

08:36and i think that it would be really important for you to really think about this and be aware

08:42of what's like how does this fit into your world how does this fit into your value system and so

08:49if you're giving just indiscriminately all of this time away then what do you have left for you and

08:57if you if you do want to do something for others make sure that it fits into what fits into your world

09:04and your value system and so you want to set those boundaries and make sure that you're taking care of

09:09yourself yourself in the process i want to extend that part of the conversation that you were we were both

09:14touching on that for some people it might be helpful to have some questions to ask themselves

09:19in terms of making decisions about what boundaries are most important for them to practice or pay

09:24attention to what kinds of questions are important for black women to ask ourselves about what it is

09:30that we need from our relationships or even from ourselves yeah i think that one of the things to think

09:36about is whether or not what is happening is this is this infringing on too much of me and does this go

09:44against what i really really believe in so you make sure that you are in touch with what's important to

09:50you and your values when you're doing that and and also is like is this something that has to be done

09:57right now or is this something that can wait and try not to over commit and and really make sure that what

10:03you do fits in well with your values and your goals um i would add um asking the questions of

10:11what does it cost me who does it benefit um and and i think the last piece would be relevant um

10:20where have i learned this right where where did i learn that this was important um because a lot of times

10:26we find ourselves giving ourselves away right and so i think that answers the question of

10:32is it required right but does it require me um and so those i think are important to be able to reflect

10:39on i love those differentiations all right so one is about allowing ourselves the space to slow down

10:46and ask these kinds of questions one where is this coming from right what's the external kind of thing

10:51that i might feel up against in this where did i learn to do this the modeling piece right kind of

10:57sit in in terms of caregivers um in terms of you know culture communities where do i learn this kind

11:03of behavior and then allowing ourselves to ask this question that i don't think we're taught or i know

11:07that we're not taught um in general does it serve me even if there are demands that seem to be subtle

11:13demands it's like so you're going to have to have that awareness yeah that's a perfect point yeah what is

11:19one thing that you want to leave our audience with today as they think about their boundary practice

11:27i'd say the folks who are pushing against you having boundaries are the ones who benefit from you not

11:33having any and so just be discerning regarding that yeah and i and i would say to make sure that whatever

11:41you do that you're taking care of yourself in the process and it is something that you believe in

11:48doing and doing and you can feel good about those are great points and where can the audience find

11:54you both after this you can find me at agenda robinson.com online and on all social media platforms

12:01and you can find me at jfkphd at gmail.com thank you so much and you can also find me i run my mouth

12:11mostly on instagram at at doctor underscore ayana underscore a in essence we'll have all that

12:16information for you um thank you for joining us at this year's wellness house thank you both for joining

12:21me thank you for having us

12:32you

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