- 4 weeks ago
Boris Kodjoe and Lance Gross talk about how black dads matter at Essence Fest 2019
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LifestyleTranscript
00:00So what was your first thought when you guys learned you were going to become a father?
00:05That's a big moment, like when you found out, I'm about to be a dad.
00:11Well, to me, it was the most defining moment of my life because becoming a father is really
00:19becoming a man.
00:21So in my culture, becoming a father means that you're now prepared to set a legacy.
00:31I love that.
00:33Lance, what about you?
00:34For me, I was excited.
00:37I was nervous.
00:38I knew that, you know, in actor's terms, I would have to prepare for the biggest role
00:44of my life.
00:45You know what I mean?
00:46But I look forward to every minute of it.
00:50So the first night your baby came home, for both of you, your children are older, but
00:55I know you remember, Boris.
00:57What was that night like?
00:58Did you just hold them forever?
01:02The first night.
01:04What did you feel?
01:05What did you think?
01:06What did it mean to you?
01:07You know, it's such an avalanche of emotions when you bring home your baby, and it's such
01:15a fragile little thing, and it's so new, and, you know, the sounds and the smells and the
01:23little hands.
01:23The sleepless nights.
01:24Well, the sleepless nights.
01:25Everybody told you about that before, so that wasn't a surprise for me.
01:29But just to get to know this new capacity of loving something, somebody so much, that was probably
01:42the most surprising for me.
01:44Oh, I'm tearing up.
01:45Lance, what about you?
01:46For me, it was surreal.
01:49I mean, having this little person, you're like, oh, I hope I don't break it, you know
01:57what I mean?
01:58But I remember spending, like, hours just watching her, waiting for her to do something
02:06new, you know what I mean?
02:07But I said it was surreal because it's like just having this little person in front of
02:13you that you helped create, myself and my wife, it was just, it was crazy.
02:20It's like, I did that.
02:21Yeah, I did that.
02:22That's my magic.
02:23I looked at my wife like, man, we did good.
02:26To get a healthy baby, I mean, you know, we're blessed.
02:30So, Boris, you have Sophie and Nicholas, and Lance, you have Berkeley and Lennon.
02:33What's been the difference between fathering a boy and a girl?
02:37It's two different universes.
02:41I bet.
02:42For sure.
02:43Because girls have between 12 and 26 personalities.
02:48That can come at it any moment.
02:49Yeah.
02:51My son is the most relaxed, chill human being on the planet.
02:58So, I always know what I get when I walk in his room.
03:02With my daughter, I sort of peek around the corner to see who I got today.
03:07Who's in the room.
03:08Yes, who's in the room today.
03:09So, it's very, very different.
03:11But it's both beautiful in its own way.
03:16My son uses me as a model.
03:18So, he wants to be like daddy.
03:22He walks like me.
03:23He talks like me.
03:24And then my daughter, you know, I'm in charge of setting an example how to relate to women.
03:31Right?
03:32So, I'm setting the stage for her to set expectations when she engages with boys or men.
03:41Yeah.
03:42So, I have a huge responsibility in order to not just make sure that she treasures herself, but also to know how she is to relate to the other sex.
03:52So, I'm in charge of her confidence.
03:56She'll look to you for that.
03:57Absolutely.
03:58That's beautiful.
03:59And what about you, Lance?
04:00Well, you know, having a girl, it's like, as a man, if you're going to be honest, you're wondering, like, oh, is all my karma going to come back?
04:09Like, you know, so it's like you grow up fast, women, well, having a daughter, it changes you for the better.
04:19I bet.
04:19You know, and like Boris was saying, for me, it's like I have to set the standard of how a woman is supposed to be treated with my daughter and also my wife because she has eyes on me.
04:33You know what I mean?
04:34So, you got to just step it up and with my boy, that's my boy, that's my homie, you know what I mean?
04:41I can't wait to play catch with him and do all the sports and all that stuff, watch the sports, whatever, you know?
04:48So, it's a different kind of pressure because you also have to, you know, know that you're going to one day have to have those serious conversations about the state of America and law enforcement.
05:00I mean, I don't have to really get into it, but, you know, we got a hands full.
05:06It's interesting that you bring up, you know, the importance of the moment for both of you and, like, what that means.
05:11So, funny story, when I got married, the story that my father told when he gave the toast, I'm a daddy's girl, is he told the story about, I think I was like six, and I thought you could marry your dad.
05:20So, I told everybody I was going to marry my dad, and he had to break the news to me that that's not really what we do.
05:26That's not a thing.
05:27But he told that story is the moment he realized how important it was that he was my dad and what that meant, how he had to be a very special male role model.
05:36And what that meant, just this idea that I'm like, I can marry my dad.
05:38So, what was that pivotal moment for you all when you were like, okay, now I get what my role as a father is supposed to be about?
05:45Well, I mean, like we said, I think we were both very aware of our responsibility as a father.
05:55I knew, well, there's so many moments that you have with your daughter, you know, when she's upset, when she's sad.
06:06Sometimes women just need you to listen.
06:10Amen.
06:10They don't need you to save them.
06:12They don't need you to solve a problem.
06:14Sometimes they just need you to listen.
06:17Slow clapping.
06:17So, as a father and as a man in general, I had to learn how to just be, listen, and be present.
06:28Right.
06:28Be present.
06:29And my daughter is no exception to that.
06:32Sometimes she just wants to come home and fly into my arms and just vent about something.
06:37And I just need to be her rock in that moment.
06:39I don't need to go out there and kill somebody.
06:41I just need to be still and hold her and be okay with whatever she has to tell me.
06:48So, I'm looking forward to the journey, even though she's insane right now because she's 14.
06:55Ooh, special.
06:56Um, don't get me started.
07:00Stay away from the journal.
07:02I remind myself every day to enjoy this journey that we're on because every moment is special.
07:11Yeah.
07:11And every moment is fleeting.
07:12So, I want to be present for that.
07:16And what about you, Lance?
07:17Have you had just like a pivotal moment yet?
07:20Your kids are younger, but.
07:22Yeah.
07:22Well, my daughter will be five in November.
07:25So, I can't even lie to you.
07:27I'm still learning.
07:28You know, I'm just trying to be the best father that I could be.
07:33Uh, for her, uh, I try not to judge her.
07:39I just want her to be able to come talk to me.
07:41Right.
07:41And feel like I'm an ear that's not going to judge her or make her feel bad or, you know what I mean?
07:46So, I'm still learning.
07:47You know what I mean?
07:49You guys are already, I feel like you've answered this a little bit, but let's just go in.
07:53How has being a dad changed you as a man and as a husband?
07:56Like, just the act of it.
07:58What makes, what's different, you know, dad Boris and dad Lance versus pre-dad Boris and pre-dad Lance?
08:05You know, I think, I think as a, as a husband, you are an individual part of a unit, but you're still an individual.
08:14And then as a father, I think you just go deeper than that.
08:17You understand that, uh, you have to be empathetic.
08:22You have to be kind, you have to be considerate, you have to be patient.
08:26There's so many chambers in your heart that were closed off before you were a father.
08:31And now that you're a father, there's emotions you have.
08:34You didn't, you didn't know that you could even produce.
08:37Um, so it's, it's, like I said earlier, it made me a, it made me a true man.
08:43It made me understand the responsibility, the accountability.
08:46It made me understand that everything I do is being watched.
08:53Um, we're teaching our children to walk in our footsteps, right?
08:57So my daughter watches my wife every moment of the day.
09:02My son watches me.
09:03The way I relate to my wife is being watched by my children.
09:07So I'm setting expectation.
09:10Um, I think it's important to, to give kids structure.
09:14It's important to give them guidelines because those guidelines give them a sense of safety.
09:20Um, so all these things play into becoming a father.
09:23So it's changed me tremendously because I don't have a, another sort of, I don't have a piece
09:31of selfishness left in my body because when you have kids, that just goes right out the window.
09:36Yeah.
09:37Lance, how are you different?
09:38Well, to echo that, I mean, it's, well, I had my daughter before I was married, if you guys don't know.
09:44So for me, it just became less about myself and more about my family.
09:52You know, um, yeah, I was the type, you know, I was still in party mode and all that stuff.
09:58So now it's like when I travel, when I, when I party or, or host a party, it's like, I want to go back to my kids.
10:06I want to go back to my wife.
10:07So, so yeah, I mean, it, it forced me to grow up, you know what I mean?
10:11But I, I absolutely love the man that it's made me because I'm so much more comfortable.
10:17I don't have to worry about none of the bull.
10:20I, I, I just, I'm chilling with my family.
10:23You know, I enjoy both about both of you is following on Instagram.
10:26Cause you guys share your life and your family.
10:29You guys, you can tell you really enjoy being dads, but you also are yourselves.
10:32Like you didn't lose who you are in becoming a father, but you really enjoy it and you love it.
10:37Um, what's your hope for your children?
10:39Do you want them to have what you have and more?
10:42Or what's your big wish for your kids?
10:43You both have beautiful children.
10:46Wow.
10:46Well, I pray every day that they, um, they remain kind.
10:51I love that they're kind people.
10:53I love that they're empathetic.
10:56I love that they're considerate.
10:58Um, those are all values and principles that have gotten lost.
11:02Um, I, I want them to dream.
11:05I want them to understand that they are enough.
11:09Yeah.
11:10Um, with social media now, even though my kids don't have phones and social media, but, uh,
11:17there's so much, um, distraction, there's, there's so many impressions that kids are being
11:24objected to every single day, uh, that forces them to compare themselves to a million other
11:32people, which we didn't have to worry about growing up.
11:35Yeah.
11:36You know, the only people we have to worry about was the people that were around us,
11:39uh, whether, you know, it was bullying or, or, or, or, uh, other sorts of mean stuff
11:46that kids do nowadays, these kids literally have to deal with all these hundreds of thousands
11:51of people online that are judging them, that are leaving nasty comments.
11:55And so I don't think kids are prepared for that at that age, 12 years old, 14 years old.
12:02They don't have the tools yet to deal with that kind of oncoming barrage of insults and nastiness.
12:11So as a father, um, it's a challenge to keep them safe.
12:16It's a challenge to, to let them grow up and, and, and develop a sense of self and confidence
12:22without being bombarded with all that stuff.
12:26Um, so I hope that they, they grow up, um, with confidence, that they grow up, um, remaining pure hearted
12:36and, and, and hopefully have time to develop and explore and find their passion and their purpose in life.
12:43Beautiful.
12:44I should start answering before you, but, uh, everything that he said, but, you know, I,
12:51I hope to have healthy children, uh, children that are given just have, have great hearts.
12:58Um, of course, instill confidence in them, uh, just make them aware that they could do anything
13:06that they put their mind to as long as they're willing to, to work for it, you know?
13:11So it's simple for me.
13:14That's what I want for them.
13:15And I feel like you both are setting amazing examples for your children, your entrepreneurs,
13:20you're successful in your careers.
13:22Do you feel like that's the bar you want for them?
13:25Or what do you talk to them about in terms of, well, your kids are smaller, but Boris,
13:28this one is for you in terms of like what they want out of their lives and their career.
13:32Do you push being an entrepreneur?
13:34What do you push?
13:34What do you say?
13:35Do you push?
13:36How does that go?
13:37You know, they set their own bars for their lives.
13:41All I can do is expose them to different things like traveling, like music, like arts and culture.
13:47Um, a sense of, um, workmanship, uh, sense of discipline and structure so they can apply
13:58those values to their own journey.
14:00Yeah.
14:00That's what, that's the only thing I can hope for.
14:02I'm not going to push them to do something that, you know, they're going to hate me for
14:06when they're 25.
14:08That makes no sense.
14:09And so all I can do is support them in their endeavors and their journey and, uh, hope that
14:13again, like I said earlier, I hope to find their passion because if they do, that would
14:18be such a tremendous blessing.
14:20Uh, and you know, as parents, we have to learn how to trust.
14:25We have to learn how to trust that what we did and the values we instilled in them, you
14:33know, take a hold of them and, and, and, and inspire them and inform them on the choices
14:40they make later.
14:42Lance, what's one piece of advice you would give to new dads?
14:47Uh, one piece of advice that I could give to dads is don't miss a moment.
14:54You know what I mean?
14:55Like sometimes we get so caught up in the grind and, and doing this and doing that.
15:01I mean, of course you have to provide for your family, but I was just talking earlier,
15:05uh, when my, when I was having my daughter, I got a, well, I got offered a role that shot
15:13in Atlanta and we're from Los Angeles.
15:16And my only thing that I wanted during negotiations was to be able to fly home just in case my wife
15:23went into labor.
15:24And that was my, that was, that was the only thing I needed them to guarantee and they
15:28couldn't guarantee that.
15:29So, you know, I was faced with the decision of, of taking it or, or passing it up and I
15:35passed it up and I was able to be there for, for her birth where in looking back on it,
15:43if I was in Atlanta, I probably would have missed it, you know?
15:46So, so my thing is, you know, don't be afraid to, to be there.
15:51You know what I mean?
15:52Because it, it, it matters.
15:54And to fight for your family.
15:55I love that.
15:56Absolutely.
15:57And Boris, what about you?
15:58You've been doing this for a minute.
15:59What's your big piece of advice for any new dad or fathers out there in general?
16:07Yeah.
16:08Like Lance said, just show up.
16:10Okay.
16:10You know, uh, I think it's true what, what you said.
16:14I think, I think a lot of fathers are scared to come up short.
16:18Yeah.
16:19You know, there's various, you know, different situations that occur when, when, when people
16:26are not together anymore and they try to co-parent and, and oftentimes fathers are hesitant to,
16:33to be there for the kids because they think they can't be there a hundred percent.
16:38But every time you show up, that's a hundred percent, you know, and, and, and kids don't
16:44need a lot.
16:45No.
16:46They just need.
16:47Love.
16:48You.
16:49Support.
16:49Right.
16:49They need you.
16:51Even if it's for two days, even if it's for two hours, they just need you.
16:55And, and, um, you know, I grew up in a, in a household with, without a father and, and
17:01my father was there sporadically at best.
17:04And later on in life, through conversation with him, I found out that he was scared to
17:11disappoint me or disappoint us because he couldn't or wouldn't be there all the time.
17:17And, um, I had to let him know, I said, look, we didn't need you all the time.
17:23We just needed you period.
17:24Right.
17:25And so I would tell, I would tell fathers, look, don't be afraid.
17:29Don't be afraid to just be there.
17:31Just be present.
17:33That's all it takes.
17:34Thank you both for saying that.
17:36And just to really get real, but to wrap it up, I think to make it real 360, you know,
17:40we edit content for essence.com.
17:42And we were just talking the other day about how much mother's day content outperforms father's
17:47day content for like five times.
17:49And we were like, there's a void here.
17:51You know, our readers are celebrating their mothers more than their fathers.
17:55And we have to see that shift.
17:56And you are both amazing examples.
17:59And we appreciate you.
17:59And we thank you for coming and sharing today.
18:01Right, ladies?
18:02Thank you for having us.
18:04Give it up for Lance and Boris, you guys.
18:06Thank you for having us.
18:06Keep sharing the family moments on the ground, please.
18:09Thank you guys so much.
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