- 2 days ago
The Chief S02E03 2026
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Short filmTranscript
00:00So, Officer Numbers, how's recruitment?
00:08A recruitment drive focusing on a more diverse workforce hasn't quite had the returns we hoped for.
00:13Really? Despite our excellent poster campaign?
00:17If that doesn't say diversity, I don't know what does.
00:23Perhaps it doesn't quite reflect that diversity is more than just race and gender.
00:29OK. Well, maybe for all future diversity drives we should make our definition of diversity more diverse.
00:36Personally, I don't care where they come from. As long as they can bench press 220 and chase after the wee bam that dipped your purse.
00:43It's all about budget. We can't go to the moon on a two-barb rocket.
00:47Don't worry. Justice will understand. Targets, they're an ideal objective.
00:52If there's one thing the Scottish Government knows about, it's missing targets.
00:59There's been a cabinet reshuffle. Nadeem's out.
01:11Oh, morning Chief.
01:12Hello, Helen. Nice to meet you.
01:15Actually, we've met before.
01:17Oh, have we?
01:18Yes, at the Visibility for Women conference.
01:20Oh, yes. So we have. I remember now.
01:27Sorry, didn't see you there.
01:29Just in here.
01:30Thank you so much.
01:31Um...
01:32Helen.
01:33Helen, thank you.
01:35Hail to the big fish.
01:39I only just got used to you in justice and now here you are in your watery grave.
01:46That is your largemouth bass, Chief. Freshwater, Ray Fend, part of the Sunfish family.
01:52Well, I am impressed.
01:54I'm a quick study, Chief. Now take us so on, Alwa.
01:57We're not celebrating this, are we?
02:00Why not? Look on the bright side. Fisheries is the only department I haven't run yet.
02:05Well, I mean, I had it as part of farming and ferries, but never solo.
02:09Anyway, enough about fish. Unless you want to pop down to the Balmoral and roll down a few old Uploth Smokies.
02:15Oh, I would love to. But I've got to go and meet your replacement. What's he like?
02:19McGurk. Young. Ambitious. Ruthless.
02:24Any tips?
02:26Aye. Be straight, white, privileged and powerful.
02:30I'll do my best.
02:34That's your late one o'clock call.
02:36Gudmund a Gudmundsdottir, my Icelandic counterpart.
02:40Pickled herring import quarters. That's my life now. Let's try and enjoy it. Enjoy yours.
02:45I shall!
02:46Good morning. Good morning. Good morning.
02:54Christ's sake.
03:02Ah, Chief. Come in. I'm just finishing a tanky power walk.
03:07Well, delighted to meet you, Xander.
03:09Minister. And I prefer stand-up meetings.
03:12Oh, well, as do I, Minister. Big fitness man myself, particularly off the national game, the gauf.
03:20Maybe we could hit the links sometime.
03:21Don't golf. I'm a squash guy.
03:23Ah, love squash. I'll book us a pitch. Room. Square. Court.
03:27Chief. Let's park the BS, yeah?
03:30Uh, Chief. Does your police force want a bigger budget?
03:37Bigger? What, bigger as in... more?
03:42What? More than before?
03:47Well, obviously we would very much welcome...
03:50Sorry, just to clarify.
03:52Buy more. Do you mean more? More money?
03:57More funds.
03:58Look, we... we want to back the bobbies and the people. Okay? To protect the Scottish people.
04:03But we've got to work to a zero-sum budget.
04:06Well, yes, of course. That goes without saying.
04:10Remind me, a zero-sum budget is...
04:12Well, we strip out the fat, build up the muscle, get lean, justify every penny of spend.
04:20Just a word of warning as regards the budget.
04:23There are... there are a lot of code words in there, you know, for security reasons.
04:28I mean, pastries, for example. Pastries doesn't actually refer to pastries.
04:32Together, we'll ditch anything unnecessary.
04:35I mean, why hug a hoodie when that hoodie should be huggled?
04:40This... this is Project Proper Policing.
04:46And this project gets a proper police endorsement.
04:50Right then.
04:54Well, yes, I will book the squash table.
04:56Pitch. Room. Square. Court.
05:03Minister!
05:08You recently came top in a nationwide survey of public-funded bodies.
05:12Do you feel valued at work?
05:14Every penny I spend goes towards nabbing the wee FUD
05:17that pissed through your letterbox and set fire to your bins.
05:19I do greatly value your work, both of you.
05:24But we... we have to find trims somewhere.
05:28If we're going to justify our bigger budget,
05:30we need to pinpoint where we might find unjustified spend.
05:34Your lunch from the seafood shed.
05:36Ah!
05:37Sorry, it's late.
05:38And they apologise, but the hand-dived scallops are fine.
05:41Ah!
05:42I'll slum it.
05:49Well, team, carry on.
05:50Cuts!
05:51Cuts!
05:52Cuts!
05:53Justify!
05:54Justify!
05:55Justify!
05:56Cuts!
05:57So, with a new broom in the Cabinet,
05:59is it time then to tackle the unnecessary use of police funds?
06:03Unnecessary is a pretty strong word, Connie.
06:06We channel every public penny towards vital police initiatives.
06:11Really?
06:12OK.
06:13I've got a direct quote here from your new Justice Minister who says,
06:16Chief Commissioner Mickelson agrees with me that there is a lot of waste in the police budget
06:21and shares my desire to slash unnecessary spending.
06:24Did... did he say that?
06:26Did... did he say that I said that?
06:28Did you say that he said that I said that?
06:30He said it 20 minutes ago in a TV interview.
06:33Well, I welcome your question about what I said, Connie.
06:38And when it comes to what I said, I would never actually say that I... that I... that I never actually said that.
06:47Saying that sort of thing is exactly the sort of thing I would say if I were saying something like that.
06:56So you did say what he said you said.
06:58What I will say is this.
07:01The Justice Minister and I are committed to saying a whole raft of things in the future.
07:07Prioritising keeping all spending non-profligated.
07:17Come on, Chief.
07:19I thought you were a squash man.
07:22Easy.
07:28Good shot.
07:29Minister, you're set.
07:31Yeah.
07:32That was some proper squashing.
07:34Urgent Connie's show.
07:35You were getting your arse handed to you there as well.
07:37She did serve me a pretty curvy curveball, you know.
07:40I didn't actually say what you said I said.
07:43What does it matter?
07:45If I say you said it, then you said it.
07:48I didn't actually say it, you know.
07:51There are such things as fact.
07:53There's no such things as fact.
07:55Right?
07:56The truth is fluid.
07:57Right?
07:58Just get our message out there.
07:59Yeah.
08:00Well, next time just warn me what messaging you want out where and when.
08:04Yeah.
08:05Project proper policing.
08:06Backed by project proper budget.
08:11Yeah.
08:12F.
08:13F.
08:14You step up and trim the fat.
08:17Where you at with that?
08:21I am the Ozempic of budgetary planning.
08:25Transforming us into a lean, mean crime-fighting machine.
08:28Oh yeah?
08:29Tell me deets.
08:30Deets.
08:31Oh, details.
08:32Well, the police shinty team won't be getting that new minibus.
08:37Pennies.
08:38Peanuts.
08:39Come on.
08:40Where are the big fat wads?
08:44Ditch whole departments.
08:45Whole departments?
08:46Well, we're a tightly integrated unit.
08:49We're a family.
08:50A family?
08:51You're the police force.
08:54We agreed blood and thunder.
08:56Boots on the ground.
08:58None of this wishy-washy, touchy-feely, hand-holding pish.
09:04I've never seen diversity, equity or inclusion arrest anyone.
09:08Hmm?
09:09Okay.
09:10Well, we'll look for trims in all departments.
09:13Yeah.
09:14Get on it.
09:15We need this done by the next finance round.
09:17Right?
09:18I'm a big fan of Momentum, Chief.
09:20Now serve.
09:21I'm a big fan of Momentum too, minister!
09:23Oh!
09:25Sorry.
09:31Okay.
09:32Nineteen, sir.
09:35Ladies.
09:36Shift up.
09:39You okay, Dad?
09:40Yeah.
09:41I just...
09:42Ah!
09:43Oh!
09:44Heard you on the radio.
09:45When are you going to find these cuts?
09:47Your salary?
09:48Well, you know, if it came to that, I'd certainly consider considering it.
09:52I know where you could save money by making cuts.
09:55Right.
09:56I'm open to suggestions.
09:58The police.
09:59Well, no bad ideas in a brainstorm, but we're thinking of first looking at the police choir.
10:05They'll come for DEI.
10:06They always do.
10:08Not on my watch.
10:09I am a fierce protector of progressive modernity.
10:13So, ladies, women, people.
10:16Who's tonight's author?
10:17Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.
10:20Ah, yes.
10:21Yes.
10:22Personal favourite of mine.
10:23Love her work.
10:24Proceed.
10:26Is Chimamanda writing from a historical Marxist feminist worldview?
10:32Or do we bracket her in a more modern, intersectional, eco-feminist?
10:40Dad?
10:41A bit of both?
10:49Look at that, Paul.
10:50That's how much it costs to neuter all the dogs in the police force.
10:55It's counterproductive.
10:56Just let them breed and we'll get free dogs.
11:00What's the matter, Paul?
11:01The Justice Department have been in touch.
11:03List five ways to justify your job.
11:06Ah, figurehead, law enforcer, justice dispenser, hero and icon.
11:10Not just you.
11:11It landed in everybody's inbox at 6am.
11:14Okay.
11:15Okay.
11:16We've all got the email.
11:18It's just five things per staff member.
11:20We can cover that off, can't we?
11:22Forcing people to justify their existence is just plain wrong.
11:26It should be voluntary.
11:27I've already done 50.
11:2950?
11:30When?
11:31Battered them out on the exercise bike.
11:32And I'm about to batter out 50 more.
11:35Well done, Muldoon.
11:37Sorry.
11:3950?
11:40Lindsay.
11:41You've got more than five too.
11:43Just list them.
11:45Play the game.
11:46No.
11:47I'm taking a principled stand.
11:50It might be to your benefit.
11:53And your departments.
11:55So they're coming for me.
11:56For us.
11:57No, no, no, no, no.
11:58No, no, I haven't heard that.
11:59No.
12:00No, there's been no indication of that whatsoever in any way at all.
12:03But if they did, you'd defend me.
12:06Lindsay.
12:07It's me.
12:08The people's chief.
12:10Your chief.
12:12Your department.
12:13It's vital.
12:14Life without you would be like a police car without its Nino.
12:17Five positive measures?
12:18What even is that?
12:19What even is this?
12:20What even am I?
12:21Why am I?
12:22Where is the what of the why?
12:23Well, listen.
12:24You do any number of positive things around here, okay?
12:28You answer the phone for the chief.
12:30No, wait.
12:31I'll type that out before I forget.
12:32Okay.
12:33See what I've done.
12:34Look at Henry.
12:36Oh.
12:37Sorry, I forgot.
12:38That's why I came in.
12:39Nadim is on the line.
12:40Nadim?
12:42What does the Codfather want now?
12:45Fisheries Minister!
12:47He's coming now?
12:49I owe you some monkfish at the Bomoro for this.
12:52Everyone!
12:53Listen up!
12:54McGuck's on his way!
12:56All hands on deck!
12:57I don't want any excuses!
13:11It's not required!
13:12It's not justified!
13:14Oh!
13:15Minister!
13:16Hello, I wasn't expecting you.
13:18Ah!
13:19Ah!
13:20Ah!
13:21Woke alarm, chief.
13:22Some idiot put these posters up in your HQ.
13:27Muldoon!
13:28Get those right in the bin!
13:31Now, since I'm here, any chance you could show me how you're spending Scotland's money?
13:36I'd be delighted!
13:40After the water cannon, we can look at the Riot Boys kettling.
13:43They tend to practice on their lunch hour and...
13:46Oh!
13:47Oh!
13:48I'm sorry, I'm not wearing my hat.
13:50I...
13:51I...
13:52Apologies.
13:53Back to my office, everyone.
13:54Do we need it, sir?
13:55Well, of course I need my hat, Muldoon.
13:56This is the...
13:57The Justice Minister, not the photocopier salesman.
14:00He deserves to be treated with respect and...
14:02It's fine, chief.
14:03Let's kick on.
14:04Right.
14:05Are you sure about that?
14:06Because it is actually quicker, I think, Muldoon, isn't it?
14:07If we go back to...
14:08What's that?
14:09This is...
14:10Oh!
14:11This, I think, is an awards ceremony for bravery.
14:15One of our heroes recently punched a devil dog.
14:20Wow!
14:21Well done!
14:22So, what's this then?
14:23Oh, thank you for your interest.
14:24This is a team building workshop.
14:25Right.
14:26So, you're in charge?
14:27Yes.
14:28Lindsay MacLeod, head of...
14:29Many things!
14:30Many, many things.
14:31Diversity, equity and inclusion.
14:32Including those three things.
14:33Although we do refer to it these days as the Department of Danger, Energy and Instinct, which more clearly represents the work of the department.
14:48And these are serving police officers.
14:49Yes, they are.
14:50So, while one partner is blindfolded, the other provides instructions.
14:52The challenge is to get through the obstacle course and then pick up all these wee ping pong balls and pop them in the buckets. Trust.
15:04Yes, the more that the police trust in each other, the more the public trusts the police.
15:13Yes.
15:14So, the water cannon.
15:15And what are these?
15:17Oh, now, these are for our empathy sessions. Our officers develop their emotional intelligence facts.
15:24Towers payers money. Going on what? Messing about with ping pong balls and teddy bears.
15:30No, that's not correct.
15:32No?
15:33No. Some of them are bunnies.
15:37Chief! Chief! Look at me.
15:41I really want to support the police with a bigger budget.
15:44Mm-hmm.
15:45But for that to happen, heads must roll.
15:49Yeah.
15:50I mean, heads are already rolling, Minister. We've already let Big Tam go.
15:55Watching the canteen, he was so slow, putting the tiny scones in the rolls.
15:59Get out of here!
16:01Chief!
16:02It is crystal clear what this organisation doesn't need.
16:06You are a police force, not a therapy service.
16:10You know what you need to do, Chief.
16:22You said you would support me.
16:24And I did!
16:25Until, well, certain circumstances arose that somewhat forced my hand.
16:29I...
16:30Well, you're about to find out what life is like without your Nino.
16:35Look, you've done all that you can here. We're sorted now. Brand new!
16:40Look, it's temporary.
16:42Look, McGurk...
16:44Look, McGurk. McGurk won't be here forever.
16:47Remember when the Justice Minister was from...
16:50was from the Green Party and we all had to cycle to work and...
16:53and only eat kale burgers, hm?
16:55We're gonna have a memorable farewell bash for you.
16:58One for the ages, eh?
17:02What can I do?
17:03It's McGurk. He's the boss.
17:05And he's gone tonto!
17:07Chief, if I could just correct you one last time...
17:11I don't think you can say that.
17:14Our priority is protecting the Scottish people.
17:23Our zero-sum budget, identified savings in DEI, and we had no alternative but to take action.
17:29So, Chief Commissioner, shuttering the police force departments of diversity, equity and inclusion,
17:34is that a necessary step to protect the Scottish people?
17:37Why did you say that?
17:39Because you did.
17:40No, I didn't.
17:41We've just played the clip.
17:42No, you haven't.
17:44But we did.
17:45Well, I didn't hear it.
17:46And I'm sure your listeners didn't either.
17:48This is typical legacy media manipulation.
17:52Take something that doesn't exist, play it, claim that it does exist, and then blame me when I point out that it doesn't.
17:58Well, I'm not playing along.
18:00Chief Commissioner, the Scottish people deserve not to be lied to.
18:03I'll tell you what the Scottish people deserve.
18:05They deserve safer, crime-free streets.
18:08And that is what I intend to deliver.
18:11Perhaps you should concentrate on that, Connie, rather than semantics.
18:17That's me away, Ellen.
18:18I've put the oven timer on for your mini-Kievs.
18:21Keeve.
18:22Sorry, mini-Keeve.
18:24Where are you going?
18:25Oh, I'm just popping to Lindsay's leaving do.
18:29You've sacked your head of diversity.
18:31Well, no, no.
18:32She's...
18:33She's diversified into...
18:36Non-employment.
18:37Rickle hard enough, and you can justify anything.
18:40So, ladies.
18:41Women.
18:42People.
18:44Who's tonight's author?
18:45Is it another Chimamanda?
18:46The legend of Faust.
18:47A mortal man with noble intentions.
18:50Who sells his soul to Mephistopheles for earthly pleasures and selfish short-term gain.
18:56But finds only guilt, torment and misery.
19:00You should try a Ken Follett.
19:12Fellow officers and support staff, we're here to say goodbye to Lindsay McLeod.
19:19A loyal and indec...
19:23Loyal servant of the Scottish police force.
19:25But, well, it's on to pastures new for Lindsay, and I just know that she will thrive wherever she goes.
19:32And now someone else will get the benefits of her awareness seminars for the Gaelic language.
19:39So, I just wanted to say...
19:40Ah...
19:47But we're not...
19:49just here to bid a fond farewell to Lindsay.
19:52No, we are here to celebrate her many achievements.
19:55Only last month.
19:57I know a lot of us benefitted from her menopositive and perimenopositive workshops.
20:04I personally am now very, very menopositive for a man that is an inclusive and supportive thing to be.
20:12It's not your concern any longer, though.
20:13You don't have any skin in the game.
20:16Can I say that?
20:18Sounds a bit slavey, doesn't it?
20:20It's not, I'm sure.
20:22I think it's probably from golf.
20:24Or is it?
20:24Oh, it's basketball, is it?
20:26But either way, it wouldn't do, would it?
20:27It wouldn't do to be a bit slavey at the leaving do for the head of my diversity, equity and inclusion.
20:38You're not going to help me.
20:39And that's fine, Lindsay.
20:41That's fine.
20:42I respect that, you know?
20:45Sell me down the river.
20:46Oh, no, that one is a bit slavey.
20:49Yes, look, enough of me.
20:51Let's hear from the main man herself, the woman, person.
20:55Lindsay MacLeod, to everyone.
20:58Lindsay MacLeod.
21:04Thank you to everyone who has supported me here and has been a friend to me.
21:10This song says everything I want to say.
21:17Of all the comrades at head I've had
21:24She'll be fine.
21:28She'll thrive.
21:30More than thrive.
21:32And we've got our bigger budget.
21:34Sign-off is imminent.
21:35That's good for the police.
21:37We are pure muscle.
21:39No fire.
21:40You know when you see two dogs shagging down by the canal
21:45and the back dog's legs are shaking
21:48and he's straining
21:50and his thighs are pure, smooth muscle?
21:53That's us.
21:56We won't change our logo to that quite yet, but...
21:59And this next song is for everybody else.
22:18This is Suck My Fury by Hate Pusher.
22:21Paul!
22:26Suck My Fury!
22:29Suck My Fury!
22:31Suck My Fury!
22:39Kimberly?
22:40Let's go out.
23:03You're on the right side of history, Chief.
23:05Who knows what we can achieve now we've got rid of those clowns.
23:08Yeah, this is only the beginning.
23:11So, what's your next move, killer?
23:16My next move is for Lindsay.
23:18I'm bringing Lindsay back and her department.
23:26That was a good one, Chief. Lindsay.
23:30Wait.
23:32What? You're being serious?
23:33Yeah.
23:34DEI never arrested anybody.
23:36There's more to policing than arrest.
23:39Bullshit.
23:40The force is arrest.
23:41Who's in the name?
23:42The force.
23:43Yeah.
23:44The force is also about...
23:46People.
23:47Community.
23:48Support.
23:49And respect.
23:50Yeah.
23:51And what's so wrong with people, community, support and respect?
23:53Save it for your leaving speech.
23:54Ugh.
23:55You know, I'll have your arse for this.
23:57I'll send you to Thurzo.
23:58Oh, Thurzo!
24:00That's very nice.
24:01I like Thurzo.
24:02Do you know what I like most about Thurzo?
24:03It's golf course and oh, you're not there!
24:06So I won't have to listen to your Billy Big Bollocks bullshit!
24:11And your zero-sum budgets and your slogans PPP!
24:15You are a proper petty prick!
24:18You know, I thought you had bollocks, Mikkelsen.
24:20Yeah?
24:21I need a man to run my police force.
24:23A proper alpha!
24:24A stag!
24:25A bull!
24:26Not a feeble beta cuck!
24:28Ah, shut up and serve my guck!
24:30It's Minister!
24:32Oh my god!
24:33Ah!
24:34Ah!
24:35Ah!
24:36Ah!
24:37Ambulance!
24:38Ambulance!
24:39Ambulance!
24:40No!
24:41Paul!
24:42Paul!
24:43What time is the budget signed off?
24:45In committee!
24:46Anyone!
24:47Oh my god!
24:48Oh my god!
24:49Ah!
24:50Ah!
24:51Ambulance!
24:52Ah!
24:53Ah!
24:54Ah!
24:55Ah!
24:56Ah!
24:57Ah!
24:58Ah!
24:59Ah!
25:00Ah!
25:01Ah!
25:02Two minutes, Chief.
25:03It should be on the website soon.
25:04Okay, Paul.
25:05Let me know.
25:06I'll hold.
25:07Okay.
25:08We've actually booked this court!
25:10Sorry!
25:11We'll...
25:12Just one minute!
25:13With one final rally!
25:15We're...
25:16We're almost there!
25:20One minute!
25:22Anything, Paul?
25:23Still nothing!
25:24Nope!
25:25Won't be long!
25:27Ah!
25:28Hell of a rally!
25:29Oh wait!
25:30Wait, that's it confirmed!
25:31Okay!
25:32The budget's increased!
25:33Yes!
25:34More money!
25:35Thank you, Paul!
25:36Yes!
25:37Thank you!
25:38Oh!
25:39I get an ambulance here as soon as possible!
25:40Oh!
25:41I'll explain later!
25:42Will do!
25:44Oh no!
25:45Oh no!
25:46He's collapsed!
25:47Help!
25:48How's it hanging?
25:49How's it hanging?
25:50You can't say that, Chief!
25:51McGirt looks so fit!
25:52But then not all vulnerabilities are visible!
25:53I heard about McGirt arrived here and that, but...
25:54At least the Turbo Tasers have arrived!
25:55Power!
25:56To the police!
25:57Good to see you're back!
25:58I'm hosting a seminar this afternoon!
25:59Empathy in the workplace, you interested?
26:00Aye!
26:01Sign me up!
26:02I'll be there!
26:03I'll be there!
26:05I can't see you, Jamie!
26:06Google so!
26:07I can't see you, she's a very lonely guest!
26:08But at least the Turbo Tasers have arrived!
26:11Power!
26:12To the police!
26:13Good to see you're back!
26:14I'm hosting a seminar this afternoon!
26:17Empathy in the workplace, you interested?
26:19Aye!
26:20Sign me up!
26:23I'll be there!
26:25Ah! There he is. Back where he belongs. Terrible news about McGuck. Terrible. All thoughts
26:48at this time. And the nation is grateful to you for providing continuity and accepting
26:53your old job back. A little welcome home gift. So are we going for lunch? Monkfish was mentioned.
27:02My treat. I'll put it on expenses. There's plenty in the budget.
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