- 1 week ago
The Chief S02E01 2026
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🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00As Aristotle said, knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.
00:07This is about you, the great Scottish public, getting to know me, who I am, why I am.
00:14And no one better knows the I of who I am than me.
00:19I'm Cameron Mikkelsen.
00:21I was born for greatness, born to serve, born for justice.
00:319.30 and we've already got the foreword in the bag, De Grey Scott.
00:36You are a pro, sir.
00:38Well, I hope I'm capturing some of the you in there.
00:42Brother from another mother.
00:43You were always my first choice, Mr Scott.
00:46You bring my sense of command, intelligence, gravitas.
00:50If I had one, I'd hesitate to use the word note.
00:54One little torch beam to guide you on your way.
00:58Sexier.
01:04Chief, remember, Mr Scott is away at six.
01:07Oh, will be done long before then.
01:10And you wrote all this yourself, Chief?
01:12Every word.
01:13That way I can guarantee that it's 100% honest, truthful and accurate.
01:19And you're on time, De Grey.
01:20OK.
01:21My childhood was tough.
01:23Home was a modest, detached Victoria Villa in Kastorfen.
01:26As a family of five, we were all forced to share the same aga.
01:30The fires of injustice.
01:32Sorry, sir, but I need a word.
01:34Oh, sorry, De Grey.
01:36Muldoon, we're recording the audiobook of my autobiography here.
01:39I know you are, sir, and I'm very much looking forward to reading it.
01:42Or having it read to you by a bona fide A-lister.
01:46Aye, sir.
01:48I need to talk to you about the opening of the safe drug consumption facility.
01:52Do they do deliveries?
01:53Deliveries.
01:55It's no laughing matter, pal.
01:58Drug taking is against the law.
02:00And the government are as good as saying,
02:02come away in, chop out of you, don't mind us.
02:04Muldoon does.
02:05Muldoon, I've cleared my diary for this.
02:07Left you in charge and you're down here already.
02:09Sorry, sir, but I just need your advice.
02:11Sorry, De Grey.
02:13I've got to step out for a quick strategy powwow with my deputy.
02:17Shall we just crack on with the recorder?
02:19I'd rather you didn't, if that's OK with you.
02:22Every word is vitally important to me.
02:25Every colon, semi-colon and umlaut.
02:28Is there an umlaut?
02:29There is actually, page 357.
02:32When I tell Helmut Kohl that his reaction is ubertrieben.
02:36That's over the top, Muldoon.
02:38I'll be quick as I can.
02:43You're doing very well, Mr Scott.
02:45Sounds fire.
02:46Thank you, Paul.
02:49Could you do something amazing for me?
02:52It's my sister's hen night and she has a massive stan, like major.
02:56Is there any way you could pop along to the voodoo lounge and say hi?
03:00I'm on a flight to LA. I don't think the plane will wait for me.
03:04Fine. No stress.
03:06So you could maybe record a video?
03:08Shall we just do the book first?
03:09Oh, well, the Chief did say to wait till he gets back.
03:12We're on the clock, Paul.
03:14Oh, oh, OK. Let's go rogue.
03:17So, this next passage coming up is from when the Chief was a wee boy.
03:24Just imagine the Chief, like, much, much smaller with hair.
03:31I know what a wee boy is, Paul.
03:35Of course.
03:38Right.
03:39And...
03:40And...
03:42Action.
03:45So, what's the issue?
03:46I thought the opening of this safe drug facility was months away.
03:49They moved it forward.
03:51You know what junkies are like. Desperate to get tore in.
03:53We need to make a statement outlining the police position ASAP. Get it online and out in the media.
03:59Well, it's a government initiative. We support it.
04:01But we shouldn't. It's a place where wee jakeys can shoot up and we're supposed to turn a blind eye.
04:06It's a facility where people can safely consume drugs in the presence of trained health professionals.
04:13Drug taking is illegal.
04:15Yes, but the SDCF makes it legal.
04:18It's like a... a bar in a Scottish airport at 6 in the AM.
04:23Normal rules don't apply.
04:25So you chug down a star of pramen with a Jagerbomb chaser.
04:28OK, sir. I'll draft up a cautious statement of support.
04:32As long as we can...
04:33Yes, yes.
04:34Outside the facility, if you take a drug, you're straight to the jug.
04:38Muldoon, together we will win this war on drugs.
04:45Or legalise them all.
04:46Whatever works.
04:47Look, I've got to get back.
04:49The tome waits for no man.
04:52Actually, that's quite good. I'll try and work that in.
04:58I was just a small boy.
05:00My ambition was to be a policeman.
05:02But how could I achieve this impossible dream?
05:05Nervously, I entered my father's study and asked him,
05:08Do you know of any way I could join the police force, Chief Superintendent Mikkelsen?
05:12A little bit of early morning mutiny?
05:14I just thought that we should crack on, Chief.
05:17Well, I'll let it slide.
05:19Sounded excellent.
05:20No notes.
05:21Now, Dougray.
05:22For this next section, we move forward in time to Edinburgh in the 1980s
05:28and the SCAG epidemic.
05:30You get to embody the true hero of the Trainspotting Era.
05:34A fearless young police officer.
05:36Myself.
05:37Take it away.
05:38Leith.
05:391985.
05:40I had the miscreant cornered in his bedsit hellhole.
05:45The sweat was pissing off the Dos Raj Bam.
05:49So sorry I'm late, Chief.
05:51Gaelic helpline bot teething troubles.
05:53It's not still auto-correcting to Latvian.
05:56Aper buroch.
05:58Too grey.
05:59I had Lindsay MacLeod, my Head of Diversity, Equity and Inclusion,
06:03give the manuscript a quick sensitivity read.
06:06We don't want to startle the gen setters.
06:09I've highlighted all the problematic areas in red.
06:13So, for example, here, maybe we could try and steer clear of the B word.
06:18What?
06:19Bam?
06:20It's the language of the street.
06:22We need to be wary of over-sensitivity, Lindsay.
06:25Now, carry on, Dougray.
06:27The sweat was pissing off the Dos Raj Bam.
06:31The nut job might as well have a junkie tattooed on his forehead.
06:35He had a mouth like a donkey's gash.
06:38Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
06:40Chief, that is a major red pen.
06:43That's how people spoke back then.
06:45It's authentic, raw, gritty.
06:47The G word is one of the most offensive terms it is.
06:51You'll get cancelled.
06:52Your book will get poked.
06:54It'll be in the bin with my bookie-wook and the best of p-titty.
06:58Don't forget, Michelle Mullen's my fight to the top.
07:01What's the problem?
07:03No problems.
07:04As long as we change bam to B word, rat to R word, nut job to the N word.
07:11No.
07:12That will complicate things.
07:14So if we could change nut job to head case and head case to H word.
07:20We could record two versions.
07:22We could record three versions for super duper safety.
07:25Why don't you just put a warning sticker on the dust jacket?
07:28Contains trigger words.
07:30Ah, like parental guidance recommended kind of thing.
07:35I'd be like iced tea.
07:37But without all the cop killing.
07:38Yeah, that could work.
07:40Excellent idea, Dougray.
07:42Paul, order the stickers and have them print up some winner of the Bailey Gifford Prize for non-fiction.
07:48Why are you about it?
07:50Continue, Dougray.
07:51Crack on.
07:52Sorry.
07:53Press on.
07:54Leith.
07:551985.
07:56I had the miscreant cornered in his bedsit hellhole.
07:59The sweat was pissing off the Dos Raj Ban.
08:03Oh, sorry.
08:04Sorry, Dougray.
08:05Two minutes.
08:06Got to take this.
08:07You answer to Hollywood.
08:08I answer to Hollywood.
08:11Justice Minister.
08:13Hello.
08:17Mr. Scott, as a slogan for a hen night sash, which slays better?
08:21The hen is a ten or the bride's a ride?
08:26Working hard, Chief?
08:27Always, Minister.
08:29Fighting crime 24-7.
08:31I heard you were recording your autobiography.
08:34Currently fighting crime through the medium of literature.
08:37Right.
08:38Down to business.
08:39On to this safe drugs consumption facility.
08:42My deputy is drafting our statement even as we speak.
08:45Good.
08:46This is important for us.
08:47The FM wants our ducks in a row on this one.
08:50Even though some of our ducks are floating downstream, tripping off their beaks.
08:53Understood.
08:54When it comes to safe drugs consumption, we need to be playing the right mood to music.
08:58Well, blast.
08:59White lines don't do it outside the facility.
09:01But inside, it's sorted for ease and whiz.
09:04We're dancing to your tune, Minister.
09:06Glad to hear it, Chief.
09:07Good luck with the statement and good luck with your book.
09:10Luck?
09:11Was Dickens lucky?
09:13Did he sclaf one in off the post?
09:16Ha!
09:17But rest assured, Minister.
09:19Right now, this drug facility statement is my absolute number one top priority.
09:25It was a charity game.
09:26I passed to King Kenny and he said, Chief, you could have turned pro.
09:35Yes, I admit, mistakes were made.
09:38But they were someone else's mistakes.
09:40I learnt later that I am only one of seven people in the country who are privileged enough to call King Charles the Chuckstar.
09:49Excellent work, Doug Greer.
09:51We're flying.
09:52Aye, moving on to one of the most famous cases in my long and distinguished career.
09:56When I single-handedly arrested notorious gang leader and psychobam, Wee Toldo McLeish.
10:03Wasn't that D.I. McPherson?
10:05No.
10:06No, why'd you say that?
10:07Well, because I played McPherson in a BBC Two adaptation about that whole...
10:11That was a terrible series.
10:13Shocking research.
10:14Honestly, one call to me and then I put them straight.
10:17It was me.
10:18I've cornered Wee Toldo in his Pilton lair in your own time.
10:23I could hear Toldo's distinctive voice from within.
10:27Oh, no, it's Meek.
10:28He's on his own, but Meek doesn't need backup, Ken.
10:31Meek's total barry and a swedge, Ken.
10:33Excuse me, Doug Greer.
10:34Sorry.
10:35Wee Toldo had a slightly higher voice than that.
10:38It was a wee bit more Meek doesn't need backup, Ken.
10:41Meek's total barry and a swedge, Ken.
10:43Meek doesn't need backup, Ken.
10:44Meek's total barry and a swedge, Ken.
10:47One more for me.
10:48And really lean into the nasal.
10:51Meek doesn't need backup, Ken.
10:53Meek's total barry and a swedge, Ken.
10:55Meek doesn't need backup, Ken.
10:57Meek's total barry and a swedge, Ken.
10:59That's the magic right there.
11:00Now, this next bit, I just wanted to check this is what Wee Toldo actually said.
11:03It's very specific dialogue.
11:05Well, I have a photographic memory.
11:07You've got him cornered.
11:08He's looking at 10 stretch minimum.
11:10And in the middle of being arrested, he's-
11:11How it's written is exactly what he said.
11:16Okay.
11:17As I cuffed him, the dodged rage considered my visage.
11:21I've only seen 40s of you before, Meekleson.
11:24They're much better looking in the flesh.
11:27Now you're cooking, big boy.
11:29Sorry, Chief.
11:30Could I have a word?
11:31Oh, sorry.
11:32Two ticks do great.
11:33Keep in there, though.
11:34Keep in there, though.
11:35So what's the problem now, Muldoon?
11:38It's a skag shed.
11:39The trip tenement, the gear ga.
11:41The band bothy, yes.
11:42I'm finding it difficult to find the tone between supporting it and also pointing out we think it's pish.
11:48Okay, Muldoon.
11:49I think what this calls for is the old tried and tested pro-con thumb slalom.
11:54Thumb slalom, sir?
11:55Willing to support the initiative.
11:58Thumb up.
11:59Legitimate concerns.
12:00Thumb down.
12:01Need supporting data.
12:02Thumb in the middle.
12:04Don't just come out and say we support the initiative.
12:07Contextualise it.
12:09Do the fudge.
12:11Fudge, aye, right, sir.
12:13Take my word for it.
12:14I have been thumbing for years.
12:18Ah, mad Daisy.
12:20Shouldn't it be crazy, Daisy?
12:28Chief, just not quite sure how to pronounce this word here.
12:31Ah, scud, gay, goy.
12:34Ah, no, that's quite straight forward.
12:36It's a BAM for what school did you go to.
12:39Scud you goy.
12:40Rising at the end.
12:41Scud you goy.
12:42Scud you goy.
12:43Scud you goy.
12:44Scud you goy.
12:45A little quicker.
12:46Scud you goy.
12:47Scud you goy.
12:48Scud you goy.
12:49Scud you goy.
12:50Okay, let's break it down.
12:51Scoo.
12:52Scoo.
12:53J.
12:54Go.
12:55A.
12:56No, scud you goy.
12:57That's what I'm saying.
12:58I'm saying scud you goy.
13:00Listen, I am fluent in BAM.
13:02Oh, so am I.
13:03We had a BAM-a-law coach on Irvin Welsh's crime.
13:05With respect.
13:07We're dealing with real policing here,
13:09not some fictional flim-flam.
13:11I learnt it at source.
13:13On the mean streets of Pilton.
13:15Not doing a duelingo course in my suite at the Balmoral.
13:19Right.
13:20One more time.
13:22Scud you goy.
13:24Scud you goy.
13:28That's the one.
13:29Quite what we're ahead.
13:34The boy's seen better days.
13:36He's a couple of years from Panto, this one.
13:39Eh.
13:40I can hear you.
13:41Talk back's open.
13:42Sorry.
13:43Too great.
13:44I mean one of the Mega Pantos.
13:46The Hydro.
13:47You wouldn't be kicking about Kerkoddy.
13:49I make no apologies for the way I am.
13:53I'm sorry.
13:54That's just how it is.
13:56At the charity event,
13:58Bob McIntyre admired my drive and remarked,
14:02You could have turned pro, Chief.
14:04This was 1980s policing.
14:07Did we sometimes use force?
14:09Yes.
14:10Did we sometimes bend the rules?
14:12Yes.
14:13But did we get results?
14:15Sometimes.
14:16Okay, do agree with one eye on the clock here.
14:18We need to pick up the pace a little.
14:20But be sure to give this section the sensuality it deserves.
14:25And you're on time.
14:28As Barbara looked at me, I knew she had one thing on her mind.
14:32Cop-ulation.
14:34And I was a lucky cop.
14:37Dougree, I just wanted to check that you were comfortable with this level of erotica.
14:42I'm trained in sensitive scenarios at the workplace.
14:46I'm happy to act as an intimacy coordinator.
14:48He's fine.
14:49Dougree got the little fella out in a thousand kisses deep.
14:52This is base camp for Dougree.
14:54So you did.
14:55It's fine.
14:56I've got everything I need.
14:57I'm happy to push on.
14:58My resistance was futile.
15:05I gave myself utterly to Barbara.
15:07If my body was Edinburgh Castle, I surrendered it to this one woman invading force.
15:12She mounted my battlements.
15:14Traversed my turrets.
15:15Ravished my ramparts.
15:16Went up my mound.
15:18And then she stoked my one o'clock gun.
15:20My cannon was cocked.
15:22Primed to explode.
15:23Bursting to boom.
15:25Detonating hot balls of bliss.
15:27Barbara, my femme fatale.
15:31Barbara.
15:32Yes.
15:33He's here.
15:34It's Barbara.
15:35Why is it Barbara?
15:36Because I sent her the manuscript to make sure she was comfortable with everything.
15:39Well, obviously I was going to...
15:41Why did you have to do...
15:44Barbara!
15:45Hello.
15:46I've just finished reading your manuscript and I'm really not sure about some of it.
15:51Really?
15:52Why?
15:53It's very personal.
15:54Intimate.
15:55You describe our sex life.
15:57Yeah.
15:58But in glowing terms.
15:59You come out of it very well.
16:00Very professional.
16:01And the physical descriptions.
16:03My nipples.
16:04Like two ripe and purpled cherries.
16:07Yeah, well, look.
16:08Listen to Dougray saying it.
16:10Dougray, would you mind?
16:11Her nipples.
16:12Like two ripe and purpled cherries.
16:14You happy now?
16:15Well, now that I hear it.
16:16Yes, it's fine.
16:17It's just that I was hearing it in your annoying, plummy, pompous voice.
16:18Paso profundo.
16:19Whereas Dougray's melliflo's tones make it sound romantic.
16:20Let me speak to him.
16:21Nice to meet you, Dougray.
16:22Oh, so you're Barbara.
16:23Well, it's nice finally to put a face to the...
16:24The cherries?
16:25Aye.
16:26So how are you finding it?
16:27Inhabiting the people's chief.
16:28Well, I did play Moses, so...
16:29Yeah, he only had ten commandments though.
16:30Look, we're running a bit behind schedule here, innit?
16:31Dougray's melliflo's tones make it sound romantic.
16:32Let me speak to him.
16:33Nice to meet you, Dougray.
16:34Oh, so you're Barbara.
16:35Well, it's nice finally to put a face to the...
16:36The cherries?
16:37Aye.
16:38So how are you finding it?
16:39Inhabiting the people's chief.
16:40Well, I did play Moses, so...
16:43Yeah, he only had ten commandments though.
16:45Look, we're running a bit behind schedule here, innit?
16:46Dougray's got a flight to catch.
16:47To get back to his wife.
16:48He's got a flight to catch.
16:49He's got a flight to catch.
16:50He's got a flight to catch.
16:51Carry on, Dougray.
16:52In your time.
16:53Barbara, my femme fatale.
16:54My Glaswegian goddess.
16:55Our passion was such that we didn't even attempt to tidy away the hotel binder of promotional
17:12leaflets for various borders attractions that littered the bed.
17:15I well remember later that evening, peeling a two-for-one voucher for the St Boswell's donkey
17:20sanctuary from Barbara's sweat-drenched buttock.
17:23Barbara vocalised her pleasure by joyously uttering...
17:27I'm sorry Chief, could you get out of my eye like?
17:31Yeah, is it maybe just a little bit too erotic with the principal in view?
17:36Aye, maybe you can step outside.
17:39Happy to do so.
17:41You wouldn't be the first man to feel diminished in my presence, Dougray.
17:45Barbara vocalised her pleasure by joyously uttering the chorus from Blur's song 2.
17:54Woo-hoo!
17:59In Barbara, I knew I had found my forever girl until we got divorced in 2017.
18:06A very sensitive read, Dougray, especially the more startling metaphors.
18:12We aim to please.
18:15Before the Chief gets back, could we get that video for my sister just quickly?
18:19Two seconds.
18:20Okay, hi. What's her name again?
18:23Daisy.
18:24And action.
18:26Hi Daisy, Dougray here. Just wanted to wish you all the best with your old nuptials and if it doesn't work out, you know where to find me.
18:34Cut perfect. She is going to love that.
18:37And Mr Scott, a selfie with your director.
18:42Okay, okay. If everybody could just quietly and calmly make their way to the muster station.
18:47Sorry, sorry, everyone. Apologies. Apologies, my bad. False alarm.
18:53False alarm. My bad. I set it off by accident. I thought it was the soap dispenser.
18:59So, apologies. Probably just have to ride it out, you know. No point in recording anything. Well, this racket's...
19:16Oh, I think we're good. I think we're good, Dougray. Okay.
19:20Home Stretch. Chapter 19. The Tayside Steakout.
19:28Midnight. In Monifeth.
19:30The boy Forsyth turned to me and said,
19:32I couldn't eat another pie if you paid me.
19:34Sorry, Dougray. Stop me there. The boy's from Dundee. I think it should be pay. I couldn't eat another pay.
19:39It's written pie. It said pay. I say pie. We pay you to say pay.
19:43Well, you're not pie-ing me enough to say pay. And the pie of his, you're talking shit.
19:48The boy Forsyth turned to me and said, I couldn't eat another pie.
19:52Sorry, sorry, Dougray. Hold it. Yeah, probably.
19:55Yeah, Justice Minister. Sorry, it'll be two minutes. Don't let him say pie. No pieing.
20:00I'm reading it on the website now. The Scottish Police Force fully supports the government's safe drug consumption facilities,
20:07providing a safe space where people can safely consume drugs in the presence of trained health professionals.
20:13But any burnout junkie fuds and jakeys are reminded that anywhere else in Scotland is business as usual. And then some.
20:21Sir, pass me away.
20:23I trust an amendment will be forthcoming?
20:25Yes, apologies, Minister. A little bit of a glitch at our end.
20:29Auto-correct's going a little bit haywire, but we'll sort it out. Don't you worry, Minister.
20:34Fuds and jakeys.
20:36Thumb up, thumb down. I'm just thumbing it.
20:38Well, you're thumbing too hard. Pull out, pull back.
20:41More and middle thumb?
20:42Yeah, less. Now, sort it.
20:48So just take one photo with a thistle symbolising the Earth's precious resources.
20:53Have you ever heard of a pressure group called the Carbonistas?
20:56I do care passionately about the planet. It's just that all my charity work is done through my early agents.
21:03Right, Duggery, we'll pick it up from...
21:06Oh, Duggery, this is my daughter, Ellen.
21:09Ellen, a word, please.
21:12Why are you here?
21:13Duggery has been in some big-budget films with massive carbon footprints.
21:17If he came out as anti-air travel, that would be...
21:20What's he going to do? Tweet about it on the Calmac ferry crossing from our dross on the Sunset Boulevard?
21:24Forget Duggery. Target some proper A-listers.
21:28Oh! Do you want to show me your BAFTA chief or your Emmy?
21:31Beat Cop of the Year, 91 to 93.
21:36National or regional?
21:39Midlothian.
21:42Right, I'll see you later. Come on, we've got a lot to do.
21:44Do you not want to stay for your mention?
21:46My mention?
21:47Aye, well, when you were a baby you threw up on the chief's dress uniform,
21:50so you had to go and meet Nelson Mandela in his shirt sleeves.
21:53Styled it out. Nelson went shirt, no jacket too.
21:56It was a minor triumph. It was at the front page of the Sunday Herald.
21:58That's it. That's my mention, one puke.
22:04Mikkelsen Ellen threw up on father's jacket, page 47.
22:08No, no, there's whole sections you haven't seen yet.
22:11Oh.
22:12All about you. In fact, we're about to record them now.
22:15Aren't we Duggery?
22:19You've got children, right?
22:21Aye, three. Twins and the wee fella.
22:23And do you improvise?
22:24Oh, it's on my skillset, if the situation's urgent.
22:27The situation is urgent.
22:30Jesus, Chief. Do you want me to write your book now as well?
22:34I'd be really grateful.
22:37I can't guarantee your writer's credit, though. Sorry.
22:40And so, the baby that I loved from the moment I set eyes on her grew up to be an inspirational young woman, the firebrand, the passionate activist who cares about our precious planet.
22:57I could not be prouder of my daughter.
23:00I have known many triumphs as a man and as a chief, but the, um, the greatest achievement of my life is simply being a father to Ellen.
23:16I think that's the chapter I'm most proud of having written.
23:22It's almost like someone else wrote it.
23:23Well, I like to vary styles.
23:26Thanks, Dad.
23:29Thanks, Duggery, for that reading. Beautiful.
23:32And a nice preamble to the Big Mandela meeting and my shirt sleeves triumph.
23:37Right, come on, everyone. Chop, chop.
23:39I kept in touch and every year on his birthday I sent Nelson Mandela a tin of Moffat toffee.
23:46Okay, that's chapter 22 done. Chapter 23, go!
23:50Oh, that'll be my gear for the hen knight. Thank you.
23:53Okay. Duggery, go!
23:55Throughout my life I have broken breadless royalty and ragamuffins alike.
23:59That's the statement sorted and approved, sir. Two thumbs up for the thumb slalom.
24:03Ah, good to know, but we're up against it here, Muldoon. Honestly, it's turning into Mission Impossible.
24:08That's where I know you from. I thought you were Obi-Wan Kenobi, but that's that other Raj.
24:13Ah, pure loved Mission Impossible, by the way. But can I ask, who was your armourer?
24:19Because, say, your stance, it should be like so. No?
24:23Thanks for the feedback. I'll be sure to tell Tom.
24:25Tom?
24:26Who's?
24:27Oh, weeboz.
24:28Ah, that's right. Everybody in Hollywood calls them weeboz.
24:31Ah, well, if you'd done your stance right, you might actually shot weeboz at the end of MI2.
24:35Muldoon, thank you very much. But Tempus Fugits, if you could...
24:38The Royal Story! Action!
24:40Murrayfield was rocking.
24:43Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. This royal anecdote could be problematic.
24:47Oh, problematic? How?
24:49We might have to redact her identity. She is a fairly well-known royal.
24:54Erm...
24:56Oh, we really need to go. Hi, everybody!
24:58Chief, I'm sorry, Daisy Fender, I need to head off. Yeah, I'm...
25:01Right, Dougary, just...
25:04Just redact her name!
25:05Okay?
25:06Royal Story! Action!
25:08Murrayfield was rocking.
25:10Scotland had secured a glorious victory.
25:12And leading the sing-song high in the stands was...
25:15Redacted Anne.
25:16Actually, no, hearing it, Dougary, it's not right.
25:18Let's go with The Princess Redacted!
25:21No!
25:22No, that is it. I am done!
25:24What do you mean done?
25:25You're not done!
25:27I have worked with difficult directors.
25:29Autocrats! Tyrants! Dictators!
25:30I've been naked on a muddy swamp at minus two degrees!
25:33I've trained for six months to be a boxer!
25:34I've wrestled crocodiles! I've kissed Bobby Carlyle!
25:36I've done my own stunts for 26 hours straight with weebaw screws but nothing!
25:39And nobody has ever given me this level of shit!
25:45Dougary! Dougary!
25:46We've still got 45 minutes left!
25:48Three chapters to go!
25:49We can fit it all in if you speak really fast!
25:51We can slot it down in the edit!
25:53Look!
25:54It's about all the crimes in the future that now will not be committed!
25:55That's my legacy!
25:56That's Meaglsonism!
25:57What about this?
25:58I go to the airport, have a nice chill down for a present lounge,
26:00then got on my flight to LA!
26:01I'm walking!
26:03You do that and I am straight on the phone to Fergus at the Publishers!
26:07Fergus, my old school friend Fergus!
26:09Fergus, my best man!
26:10Fergus, the guy that I agreed to do this big favour for!
26:12That Fergus!
26:13What are you talking about?
26:14Do you really think I'd agree to have my name associated with this...
26:16...doggro?
26:17Huh?
26:18Are you going through town, Mr Scott?
26:20Would you drop us at the Voodoo Lodge?
26:22There's two chances of that, Paul!
26:24None!
26:25And fuck all!
26:27Right!
26:31For another 500 quid we could have got Big Jerry Butler!
26:37My friend knows the wee tubby guy on breakfast radio?
26:40I need someone with my sense of intelligence, command, gravitas!
26:50Cometh the hour, cometh the meek!
26:54I was born in the Royal Hospital for the Incurably Handsome in 1972!
27:01As I entered the world, every bam in the land felt an involuntary shudder of fear course through their body.
27:09My heart is un например, with myelyn and I was born in the erste, my heart and I need some pain from him!
27:11I know!
27:12I know it is!
27:13No, I'm a dog and I were not going through the opening of thew according to Andrew!
27:14Thank you!
27:15I know!
27:16I know it's a big deal!
27:17Good luck!
27:18I know it's a big deal!
27:19I know it's not going through myself!
27:20I know the best of my tonics!
27:21I know it's my own experience!
27:22My heart is a big deal!
27:23I know it's been a big deal!
27:24I know the best of my life!
27:25I know!
27:26I know the best of writing, I know it!
27:28I know when you have the best of your life!
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