- 11 hours ago
Small Prophets S01E01-2 2026
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00I know we're older now and lost again
00:15Down at the coldest hour of you and my friend
00:26Will you come back, come back again?
00:39Will you come back, come back again?
00:48I put the kettle on, the wise man's song for you
01:09Hello Michael
01:17Morning, morning
01:20Yeah, I was just wondering about your garden actually mate to be honest
01:24What about it?
01:26Well I mean it's getting a bit overgrown now, you know
01:28Starting to cut out a lot of light, so
01:30Right, well I'll sort that then
01:32Wicked, okay, do you reckon you get a chance?
01:35Definitely
01:36Awesome, did you get a letter from the council?
01:38Probably, I never opened them, bloody council eh, always after something
01:42Well there might be one about the erm, doesn't matter
01:46You reckon you get a chance though, take it back a bit?
01:50Yep, yes
01:51Awesome, awesome
01:52Alright, see you later buddy
01:57Cheers Cliff
01:59It's Clive
02:01See you soon
02:02Thanks.
02:04Hello dude
02:05Oye oye, where is that the bird, the legend?
02:34Michael! Michael! Mike!
02:41All right, Brigham.
02:43It's a special guest.
02:52Wow! She's got it. Yeah, baby, she's got it.
02:59In case you come to see Licks and Groton with a muffin bucket.
03:04Trish, it's Gordon. What's this mug for? Has something been spilled?
03:11Speak to me, Trish.
03:12Just a spillage and sealage and grouted.
03:15Use the comms, please, Trish. What's been spilled?
03:18Just trying to find out.
03:20Use the comms, Trish, not the tannoy.
03:22Some sort of sealant?
03:27Get them up. Get it cleaned up.
03:30No, you don't understand.
03:32Why would we sell six screws in a biodegradable paper bag
03:36when, if we only sell them in polyurethane tubs of 500,
03:41the customer is forced into buying much more of them,
03:45making us much, much more money.
03:49I see.
03:51Do you have a hand drill?
03:53A hand drill?
03:59We stopped stocking hand drills in 1953.
04:07What was 1953?
04:08The Queen's Coronation.
04:13Have you been on your break?
04:14Which break? Lunch break?
04:16Tea break.
04:16No.
04:18Vending machine needs stocking up.
04:19Double deckers.
04:20Double deckers. Got it.
04:23Beef discos.
04:24Then go on your break.
04:25Double deckers. Beef discos.
04:26Break.
04:27Could the end of this small child wear a yellow dungaree
04:39please come to the power tool spectrum in aisle three?
04:45Michael!
04:46Michael!
04:47You're on coffee tonight?
04:48Hey!
04:52Absolute legend!
04:55See you there!
04:56Mind the whiskey and go!
05:16See you there!
05:18Hello, Hilary.
05:31Oh, hello, love.
05:32He's in the lounge.
05:33Thanks.
05:34Has he been all right?
05:35Yeah, I think so.
05:36Building his contraptions, telling his stories, you know.
05:39Keeping everyone amused.
05:45See you later.
05:48Oh, hello, Dad.
06:15Ah, you all right?
06:16Hello, son.
06:17Are you back from your travels?
06:19I haven't been anywhere, Dad.
06:22I must have nodded off.
06:25You've been busy.
06:27Oh, yeah, yeah.
06:29Does it work?
06:31Eh, sometimes, yeah.
06:33Here you are, then.
06:34Oh?
06:35Have a go.
06:37Where does it start?
06:39On the book.
06:40What, here?
06:41Yeah, yeah.
06:42That is fantastic, Dad.
06:55That is fantastic, Dad.
07:06Oh, well.
07:07Utter waste of time.
07:09Oh, I don't know.
07:10It keeps your brain ticking over.
07:14Who brings you the Brazil nuts?
07:17What?
07:17You've always got a bowl of shelled Brazil nuts.
07:20Oh, yeah.
07:21She gives them to meet Gladys.
07:23Her granddaughter brings them for her, but her dentures can't cope with the nuts, so she
07:27just sucks the chocolate off.
07:29I never touch them.
07:30So, er, what have you been up to?
07:34You know, this and that.
07:35Working at the DIY place.
07:37Yeah.
07:38How's Cleo?
07:39Is she well?
07:42Cleo went away, didn't she, Dad?
07:45Years ago now.
07:46You remember?
07:47We don't know where she went.
07:50Oh, shit.
07:50I forgot.
07:51Yeah.
07:52Christmas time.
07:53Yes.
07:54Christmas Eve.
07:56No news?
07:57No answers?
07:59No.
07:59Just questions.
08:01Lots of questions.
08:02I'm sorry, son.
08:04It's all right.
08:06I actually don't mind talking about her.
08:09Friends tend to avoid the subject.
08:12Ow!
08:14What is it?
08:18A drafts piece?
08:20No, hang on.
08:22Pontefract cake.
08:24Oh, I know who you are!
08:26I know who's doing it!
08:29Bastards!
08:33Hey, it's all right, Dad!
08:36Well, I remember.
08:38Would you post my competitions for me?
08:40Yeah, yeah, of course I will.
08:41Can't you get one of the staff here to post them for you?
08:43I don't trust them.
08:44They just chuck me in the bin.
08:45Dad, I'm sure they wouldn't.
08:46But yes, I'll take them for you.
08:48What are you going to win?
08:48Uh, fishing equipment, knitting machine, and this one's a hot tub.
08:55Oh, nice.
08:56All very useful.
08:58Here you go.
08:59Dinner's up.
09:00Do you want to leave you to it?
09:01All right, sunshine.
09:03Will I see you tomorrow?
09:04Yeah, I'll be here.
09:05Oh.
09:05Well, maybe we can talk about her then.
09:09Who's that?
09:11Clea.
09:13Clea, oh, Clea!
09:14Oh, lovely Clea.
09:17Give him my look.
09:17I love you, Dad.
09:25I love you, Dad.
13:00One thing I do know is that as soon as I can, I am treating myself to a shirt made from the finest freliple silk.
13:07Are you taking your break?
13:15I've only been here an hour.
13:17Take your break now because Andre's in the warehouse this afternoon.
13:22Now?
13:23All right?
13:30All right?
13:31It's Casey?
13:32Yeah?
13:33I didn't realise you were in today.
13:36Yeah, I've been in here an hour and a half.
13:37No one's noticed.
13:38Do you want a cup of tea or you're not bothered?
13:40Is that beard itchy?
13:41Is that beard itchy?
13:47No.
13:48Why would I have a beard if it was itchy?
13:52It looks itchy.
13:53It looks itchy.
13:54It looks like it would feel itchy.
13:58You're welcome.
13:59Why do you have a beard?
14:01Why do you wear a hat?
14:03I'm not wearing a hat.
14:05No, but if you were, that would be my response to you.
14:07Why do you have your ears pierced?
14:08That's a better example.
14:09Why do you have your ears pierced?
14:11Just because.
14:12There you go.
14:13It's just because.
14:15That was funny before when you thought I was calling you a wanker.
14:20Who were you calling a wanker?
14:21Gordon?
14:22Of course Gordon.
14:23Don't you think he's such a wanker?
14:24I haven't really thought about it.
14:26Go on, have a think.
14:27Yeah, I suppose he is a bit.
14:30Yeah, you watch.
14:31Now that I've pointed it out, you'll notice it all the time.
14:36You on your break?
14:37Yep.
14:38How long you been on your break?
14:39About ten minutes.
14:41How long you been on your break?
14:43Two minutes.
14:44You literally just sent me on my break.
14:50So.
14:52You been here years then?
14:54Five years.
14:57Can I?
14:58Yeah.
15:00What did you do before this?
15:01I was an underwater welder.
15:03What does that mean?
15:05Which part?
15:06Underwater or welder?
15:07Well, both when you put them together.
15:09Well, I welded things that were underwater, which meant that I had to go underwater too.
15:14In like the diving gear and everything?
15:16Almost always.
15:17What sort of things need welding underwater?
15:21Ships.
15:22Ships.
15:23Oil rigs.
15:24Mainly ships and oil rigs.
15:26But isn't welding like fire?
15:28Yes.
15:29Oh, so how does that work then?
15:30Would you like me to explain?
15:31No.
15:32Actually, you're alright.
15:33Why'd you give it up?
15:34It's a young man's game, underwater welding.
15:37You can't do it for too long.
15:38It takes its toll.
15:40Did you have the beard then?
15:41Oh.
15:42No.
15:43I wouldn't have been able to get a watertight seal around my diving mask.
15:44Oh, yeah.
15:45I was going to say.
15:46Hi Hilary, is he...
15:47Hello love.
15:48He's in his room.
15:49Oh, OK.
15:50Can I have a look?
15:51It's a bit awkward.
15:53Your dad's been taking the empty room.
15:54Oh, I wouldn't have been able to get a watertight seal around my diving mask.
15:56Oh yeah, I was going to say.
15:57Hi Hilary, is he...
15:58Hello love, he's in his room.
15:59Oh.
16:00Can I have a look?
16:01It's a bit awkward.
16:11Your dad's been taking the empty room.
16:15Your dad's been taking the empty water bottles and hiding them in his room.
16:18The water cooler bottles?
16:20Thing is, they collect the empties on a Wednesday.
16:23What's he taking them for?
16:24I don't know. He's saying it wasn't him.
16:26Well, are you sure it was him?
16:28I've seen him taking them.
16:29He keeps an eye out for when they're nearly empty
16:31and then smuggles them away when he thinks no one's looking.
16:34All right.
16:35Thanks, Hilary.
16:36I'll see if I can work out what's going on.
16:44Hello, Dad.
17:00Hello, son. Come on in.
17:02Shut the door.
17:02Are you all right? What are you looking for?
17:04Shut the door.
17:08I remembered something.
17:10Something that would help with your problem.
17:12What problem was that?
17:13What we talked about yesterday.
17:15You know, I know where you can get some answers.
17:18I am sorry, Dad. I'm being dim.
17:20What were we talking about?
17:22Homunculi.
17:23Come again?
17:25Alchemy.
17:26Can't talk about it here. They'll be listening in.
17:29Let's go for a walk.
17:31Take a look in there.
17:32What have you got these for, Dad?
17:46Did I ever tell you about Egypt?
17:49I think so, yes.
17:50When you were on national service.
17:52That's right.
17:53When I was there,
17:54I met a man,
17:55an old mystic,
17:56Italian,
17:57and he was studying
17:58metaphysics
17:59and alchemic law.
18:01Okay.
18:03Anyway,
18:03I became an apprentice, really,
18:05so to speak.
18:06I was the only one he trusted
18:08to help him with his experiments.
18:10Okay.
18:11Eventually,
18:12this brilliant man
18:13managed to grow
18:14and generate
18:16homunculi.
18:17Tiny prophets
18:18who lived in great glass jars
18:19full of water.
18:20Wait a minute, Dad.
18:21I remember this story.
18:22You used to tell it to me before bed.
18:24Little people in jars.
18:26But, Dad,
18:26I don't think it actually happened.
18:28Oh, it did happen.
18:29I was there.
18:30I saw them.
18:30There were six of them.
18:32Yeah, I remember.
18:33There was a
18:34king
18:35and a queen.
18:36A monk.
18:38A knight,
18:39a peasant,
18:39and a seraph.
18:42Exquisite little beings.
18:43They could predict the future.
18:45Yeah.
18:45They could answer any question
18:46once they'd reached
18:47the state of divination
18:48and they had to answer
18:50truthfully.
18:52That was my favourite story, Dad.
18:54Dad, are you sure
18:55that you didn't get it
18:55from a book?
18:56No, no, no.
18:58I wrote it in a book.
18:59I wrote the instructions
19:00all down in a journal,
19:01but it's...
19:02it's gone
19:03and I can't find it.
19:04Well, I've got a lot
19:05of your things, remember.
19:06At my house,
19:07I said I'd look after them
19:08for you when you moved in here.
19:09Well, that's where it'll be then.
19:11And it's all written down.
19:13Okay, Dad.
19:14Dad, Dad, listen.
19:16Even if I can find it,
19:17you're not allowed
19:18to practice alchemy
19:18in the golden years' garden.
19:20No, no.
19:20It's up to you.
19:22You're the one
19:22who wants the answers.
19:24They'll be able
19:24to tell you
19:25where Claire is.
19:28No, Dad.
19:29No, no, the prophets
19:29will tell you
19:30where she is
19:30and you go find her
19:31and bring her back.
19:33I'll guide you.
19:34That's what the bottles are for.
19:36Take all the bottles,
19:37fill them with rainwater.
19:38It's got to be rainwater.
19:40You'll need
19:40some other ingredients,
19:41but the journal
19:42will take you
19:43through all that.
19:44You've just got to
19:44find the journal.
19:45Yeah, that's it.
19:57He thinks I'm
19:58taking them out
19:58to the car.
19:59It's a long story.
20:01All right
20:01if I leave them
20:02around the corner?
20:03All right, love.
20:03Thanks.
20:04It should be all right now.
20:06See you tomorrow.
20:07Michael.
20:27All right, mate.
20:29You're looking well.
20:30Hello, Roy.
20:32I went around
20:33the house earlier.
20:34Yeah.
20:35No, I was here
20:36visiting Dad.
20:37Been trying to call you.
20:38Left a few messages.
20:39Yeah.
20:40Sometimes I forget
20:41to check.
20:42I forget to turn it on.
20:46I need to speak to you,
20:47Michael.
20:47Yeah, yeah, okay.
20:49Shall we go back
20:50to the house?
20:51No.
20:52There's a cafe
20:52around the corner.
20:55Pickles.
21:04Do you want something?
21:05Oh, um, sausage,
21:07egg and chips, please.
21:08Who's paying?
21:09I'm skim, mate.
21:10Just a cup of tea, please.
21:12Two, thanks.
21:17How are you?
21:17Are you well?
21:18Skim.
21:19I just told you.
21:21I'm paying for three kids
21:23while she's sat on her
21:24fat hearts eating crisps.
21:25Are they still down south?
21:28In Reading, yeah.
21:30How often do you get to?
21:32I don't, Michael.
21:34I'm living in a shitty flat
21:35above a cost cutter,
21:36so they can't come to me,
21:37and I'm not welcome down there,
21:38so weeks, months,
21:40go by between visits.
21:42Sorry.
21:46You're welcome.
21:52This place is named after
21:53the dog that found
21:54the World Cup.
21:55Pickles.
21:57I don't know what
21:58the connection is.
21:59I don't think he was
22:00from around here.
22:00It's time to give back
22:01what's mine, Michael.
22:02What if she comes back?
22:08Claire's not coming back.
22:09What if she does?
22:10Michael, they found her car
22:12on the Severn Bridge.
22:13Yes, and she wasn't in it.
22:14Mate, I don't know
22:15whether I miss her
22:16as much as you do.
22:17I think about her every day.
22:19She was my sister,
22:20but there's nothing
22:22I could have done,
22:23and I've made peace with that.
22:25This Christmas,
22:26it'll be seven years.
22:28We can apply
22:29for a presumption of death.
22:31Not on the house back,
22:32Michael.
22:34It belongs to me.
22:35What are you going to do?
22:36Move in?
22:36No, I'm going to sell it.
22:37Well, I'll stay on
22:38until you find a buyer.
22:40No one's going to buy it.
22:41The estate is in.
22:42It needs to be cleared out.
22:44There might be
22:45structural damage there, Mike.
22:47Got to go.
22:47For Christ's sake, Michael.
22:49I drove past there this afternoon.
22:50The gutter is hanging off.
22:51The garden is impenetrable.
22:52Christ knows what it's like inside.
22:54It's time to take your head
22:55out of the sand, mate.
22:57She's not coming back.
22:58Good evening, Olive.
23:24You all right, love?
23:25Hello, Michael.
23:26What's that?
23:27Fertiliser?
23:29No.
23:30These plants are all plastic.
23:31Don't need watering.
23:32Don't need fertilising.
23:33All right.
23:34So what is that
23:35you were sprinkling?
23:37Slug pellets.
23:38So if the flowers are plastic,
23:40what are the slugs eating?
23:42The slug pellets.
23:43All right.
23:45Cheerio, then.
23:45Yeah.
23:46Oh.
23:47I tell you who I saw here today.
23:50Yeah?
23:50Who was that?
23:51Your brother-in-law, Roy.
23:53He was looking for you.
23:56But he's dying to get to spend more money.
24:00Well, I say let them.
24:02Robots take over.
24:05Hey, Michael.
24:07Olive.
24:07You all right?
24:09Hello, Michael.
24:10Hello, babe.
24:11Hello, babe.
24:11Let's be off, Olive.
24:20Cheerio, Denmark.
24:22We were never married.
24:25What's that love?
24:26Just you said brother-in-law,
24:28but Cleo and I,
24:30well, we were never married.
24:34Cheerio.
24:41What's that love?
27:43Excuse me, do you sell buckets?
28:09Buckets? No.
28:11Really?
28:13No call for them. Old-fashioned.
28:14So, how do people, you know, like, carry water and stuff?
28:20Well, everything's plumbed in these days. You know, it's pipes are wherever it needs to be, so there's no need for anyone to carry any by hand. What colour bucket?
28:26Well, it doesn't really matter. Any colour. No, sorry, I can't help you. A hose pipe, that's the closest we do. Garden section.
28:36Okay.
28:36Excuse me. Excuse me. Is that right that you don't sell buckets anymore?
28:41I'm sorry.
28:42Your colleague just told me that you don't sell buckets anymore because they're old-fashioned.
28:48Do you mean those things that people used to carry water in?
28:51Yeah.
28:53Oh, we haven't stocked buckets in a while, mate. Tell you what, you might want to try the vintage and antiques Emporium.
29:00Do you see Celebrity Barrel Scrapers last night?
29:16Did I see what?
29:17Celebrity Barrel Scrapers. It's like, you know Barrel Scrapers, the show? Well, it's like that, but the celebrity version.
29:23I haven't got a telly. Are you serious? There's a programme called Celebrity Barrel Scrapers.
29:28Yeah. Didn't recognise any of the celebrities in it, though.
29:30Apart from that bald bloke from, er, what's it called? It's funny, though.
29:34What do they do, the celebrities?
29:37Just, you know, scrape the barrels out, get them clean. It gets really messy. It's dead good.
29:42Hang on, you don't have a TV?
29:44No.
29:45Prick.
29:48Everyone's going to the club next Friday after work. It's someone's birthday. You come in.
29:52Whose birthday?
29:53The bloke who cuts the MDR.
29:54Andre.
29:55Mm-hmm.
29:56Maybe. I'll see.
30:00Big white... Him, him, him there with the white beard. Him.
30:03Okay, thank you. I'll, er...
30:04Here we go.
30:08Did you tell that customer we don't sell buckets?
30:11No.
30:12He said you told him we don't sell buckets, that there's no call for them.
30:16Oh, buckets.
30:17Ooh!
30:17Is that what he was after? I couldn't understand what he was saying.
30:21Ugh.
30:22What time do you go to bed?
30:23None of your business, Gordon.
30:24It is my business if my staff are falling asleep on their feet and they can't hear the customers properly.
30:30You don't lose your hearing when you're tired.
30:34Hello, Hilary. Is everything okay?
30:38Okay, I'll be right there.
30:39No.
30:40No, it's fine. I'm not busy.
30:42No, honestly, it's not a problem.
30:44Yes.
30:46Okay, I'm on my way.
30:50Got to go.
30:51My dad's lost something.
30:52Lost something?
30:53Have you been on your break?
31:18Oh, hello, love. Sorry.
31:20No, it's all right. What's happened?
31:21I would have waited till you came in later, but he was upset and threatening to call the police.
31:25Really?
31:28Tina found this on his bed when he was at breakfast and brought it to me.
31:33He noticed it was missing and kicked off.
31:40Bloody hell.
31:42Right, erm, well, I'll see if I can get to the bottom of it.
31:46Thanks, Hilary.
31:47Sorry.
31:47Hello, Dad.
32:00Hold on. I'm glad you're here.
32:01There's a thief in this place and I've had enough.
32:03It's outrageous.
32:05I'm writing a letter.
32:06All right, Dad. Calm down.
32:08No one stole it. I've got it here.
32:10They didn't know what it was.
32:11This says quite clearly on the tin what it is. Poison.
32:15Well, exactly. They were worried.
32:17I'm not a child.
32:18Why have you got a tin of poison? What is going on?
32:22Give it here.
32:22One, two, three, four, five, six...
32:27Oh, they were all there. Thank God for that.
32:29I couldn't replicate these. Once they're gone, they're gone.
32:32Seriously, Dad, why have you got six files of poison?
32:35This is the antidote that dissolves the homunculi,
32:38only to be used in case of emergency.
32:40It was given to me. I don't know what's in it.
32:42And I couldn't make it again.
32:44Did you find the diaries?
32:46Mike?
32:47Eh?
32:48Did you find the instructions?
32:49Yes.
32:49Excellent. So have you got it set up?
32:51No, Dad. I haven't had time.
32:54Well, the sooner you start the chanting,
32:55the sooner you'll be able to get results,
32:57and the sooner you'll be able to ask about clear.
32:59You have to chant to the bottles.
33:02It's all there in the instructions.
33:05What? What's wrong?
33:14This was in the journal.
33:16There they are.
33:18Oh, my God.
33:19I've forgotten I took this.
33:21Dad, I'm so confused.
33:22I thought that this was just a bedtime story.
33:24I didn't think it might actually be real.
33:26Trust me.
33:27You want to know where Claire is when she's coming home?
33:32They can answer any question,
33:34and they're compelled to answer truthfully.
33:35OK.
33:36Just remind me what they actually are.
33:40Homunculi.
33:41Prophesying spirits.
33:42Right.
33:42I looked up homunculus in the dictionary,
33:45and it said a very small humanoid creature.
33:50That's it, yeah?
33:51That's it?
33:53So what?
33:54A human?
33:55An animal?
33:56Is this legal?
33:57Well, it's not illegal.
34:00That doesn't exactly put my mind at rest, Dad.
34:02Trust me.
34:03Yes, yes, all right.
34:05Before I forget, will you post some letters for me?
34:08More competitions?
34:09Yeah, this one's foot spa,
34:11this one's dog grooming classes,
34:13and this one's a Lamborghini.
34:15Fingers crossed.
34:16Oh, and this one, you'll need a stamp.
34:18You'll have to go to the post office.
34:20It's going to Vancouver.
34:22To my old school friend, Vic.
34:24Oh, right-o.
34:24How is Vic these days?
34:26Much the same.
34:27Not much to say for himself,
34:28but he always asks after you.
34:31After me, does he?
34:32Yeah, yeah.
34:33Very interested in what you're up to.
34:35Did I ever meet him?
34:36Maybe once, when you were little.
34:38Right, well, next time,
34:41tell him I said hello.
35:08Bye-bye.
35:10Bye-bye.
35:11Bye-bye.
35:12Bye-bye.
35:13Bye-bye.
35:14Bye-bye.
35:15Bye-bye.
35:16Bye-bye.
35:17Bye-bye.
35:18Bye-bye.
35:19Bye-bye.
35:20Bye-bye.
35:21Bye-bye.
35:22Bye-bye.
35:23Bye-bye.
35:24Bye-bye.
35:25Bye-bye.
35:26Bye-bye.
35:27Bye-bye.
35:28Bye-bye.
35:29Bye-bye.
35:30Bye-bye.
35:31Bye-bye.
35:32Bye-bye.
35:33Bye-bye.
35:34Bye-bye.
35:35Bye-bye.
35:37Hello, Olive.
35:44Hello, Michael.
35:45What you got there?
35:47Jars.
35:47Yep, jars.
35:49Big, aren't they?
35:49Yep, big jars.
35:50What are you sprinkling today?
35:52Ant powder.
35:53Oh, yeah?
35:54Little bastards coming indoors and eating all the cake.
35:57Wankers.
35:58Go to get them early.
35:59Otherwise, they start bloody flying.
36:00You know that?
36:02The sprout wings are starting bloody flying all over the place on 4th of July,
36:06independently.
36:06So I'm putting the powder down.
36:09Yeah, that'll learn them.
36:11See you later, Olive.
36:12Cheerio.
36:27Okay, Dad.
36:28I'm doing this, am I?
36:36I'm moving up those in the back for me.
36:48Hello, this is Michael.
36:50Michael Sleep.
36:51I'm just leaving a message.
36:53I won't be coming in today, I'm afraid.
36:54I've got a bit of a running bottom.
36:56I've got a bit of a running bottom.
36:57I've got a bit of a running bottom.
37:29Morning, Michael. Morning.
37:39Morning. You're just getting rid of some stuff.
37:42Yeah, just moving it.
37:44It's about the front here.
37:46That's right. It's only temporary.
37:53I was going to say, I'm sorry you didn't get a chance to take your edge back.
37:57Don't be sorry. It's lucky, actually.
37:59I spotted a pair of chaffinches nesting in the ivy, so I'm glad that we didn't disturb them.
38:06Chaffinches. Chaffinches!
38:08That reminds me, your security light at the front is flashing on and off, on and off all night.
38:19Is it?
38:19There must be a branch or a twig or something waving across it.
38:23You probably don't notice it if your bedroom's at the back.
38:26I'll take a look.
38:26Yes, it's on and off, on and off, all night, on and off, on and off.
38:30It's like every few minutes.
38:31It's light pollution.
38:32It's disturbing the little chaffinches.
38:35Light pollution.
38:36Okay.
38:36Just off to the DIY store. Do you need anything?
38:39No, thanks.
38:40Are you sure?
38:40I get a staff discount.
38:43No, thanks.
38:43I don't know.
38:44All right.
41:18You're lying.
41:19It's for a project.
41:20I'll tell you about it another time.
41:22Did he see you?
41:23Gordon?
41:24No.
41:25Casey, I just wanted to say, you've still got me credit card.
41:33You're welcome.
43:21And for the king, a silver coin, as old as you can find.
43:25Why does he have to behave like this?
43:34It's like every little thing he does is designed to wind me up.
43:38I mean, what in the hell's his problem?
43:41Bev.
43:42Yeah?
43:44I'm saying, what's his problem?
43:47Who?
43:47Gandalf the frigging grey, who do you think?
43:49It sounds like you're the one with the problem.
43:51Why can't you just ignore him?
43:53Oh, can I with that racket going on?
43:54Why can't it just be normal?
44:04What are you doing?
44:05Put a mirror down there.
44:06Oh, and that's normal, is it?
44:07Do you believe he's had the nerve to complain about our security light?
44:10Light pollution has accused me of.
44:14I mean, his place is crawly with vermin.
44:16The amount of insects in his garden is disgusting.
44:20Spiders, wasps, bees.
44:22And the effing sparrows chirping all day long in the bushes.
44:27Oh, that drives me insane.
44:40Great.
44:41He's praying.
44:42That's all we need.
44:44A religious fanatic.
44:46Bev.
44:48What?
44:49What are you listening to?
44:50A podcast.
44:51About what?
44:52Sex trafficking.
44:56Et ex prae cordis.
44:59Sonnent prae conia.
45:01Resedant, recidant, recidant, vetera, vetera.
45:06Sacra solemnis.
45:07I unctus in gaudia.
45:09Et ex prae cordis.
45:13Sonnent.
45:14Sacra solemnis.
45:16I unctus prae cordia.
45:19Et ex prae cordis.
45:23Et ex prae cordis.
45:23Et ex prae cordis.
45:24Last night.
45:26I unctus.
45:26It's a hard time.
45:26I unctus in gaudia.
45:28I unctus in gaudia.
45:29And I unctus in gaudia.
45:30I unctus in gaudia.
45:30For a long time.
45:30It's a hard time.
45:32I unctus in gaudia.
45:34Hello?
45:44Are you coming to the pub?
45:46Who is this?
45:47Casey, are you coming to the pub?
45:49What time is it?
45:50I don't know.
45:51Look, we're at the open as usual, you said you'd come.
45:54Why do you want me to come to the pub so much?
45:56I'm not asking you out on a date, I'm just saying we're at the pub, for fuck's sake, I'm just being friendly.
46:00Alright, I'm sorry.
46:02Which pub?
46:03Open as usual.
46:09Alright?
46:10Yeah?
46:11You alright?
46:12You made it.
46:14You must be made up.
46:16Yeah, I might start weeping.
46:26Oh, here he is!
46:27Where'd he be?
46:28Hey, someone get this man a drink!
46:30Michael!
46:31Michael!
46:32Michael!
46:33Are you a train spotter?
46:35No.
46:36Are you a virgin?
46:37What are you talking about?
46:39How old are you?
46:40Fifty.
46:41Fifty-year-old virgin!
46:43Shut up, Brigham.
46:44How old are you?
46:45Five!
46:46I love this freak!
46:47My mate used to work at a restaurant when you worked there.
46:52Some burger place.
46:53Oh yeah, burgers, burgers, burgers.
46:55On the high street.
46:56Yeah, said he stripped off in front of all the customers.
46:59Only to me vest and pants.
47:00Only to me vest and pants!
47:02What for?
47:03I was resigning.
47:04They wanted the uniform back.
47:05My mate said, right, he swipes a banoffee pie off the counter, comes out front, strips
47:10off, flips the manager of the burden and walks out of his boxes.
47:13Is that true?
47:14Nearly.
47:15It was a sticky toffee pudding and I had to come back because my clothes and keys were
47:19in the staff room.
47:20Oh no, no, I'm only having the one.
47:22I've got the car.
47:23Leave it here.
47:24Get the bus.
47:25Where do you live?
47:26Marvin Gardens, just off the Wilmslow Road.
47:28Oh my god, yeah, I know.
47:29Listen, it's a 20 minute walk from here.
47:31You're fine.
47:32But do you know Danielle?
47:33She used to live on the corner of Marvin Gardens.
47:35I was mates with her at school.
47:36I hadn't spoken to her in years though.
47:37She went off to catering college.
47:39Oh my god, there used to be this house on Marvin Gardens, right, that was just like
47:43full of junk.
47:44And like the garden was an absolute jungle.
47:47And I mean this bloke lived there but nobody saw him.
47:49Well, Danielle saw him a few times but anyways.
47:52He murdered his wife.
47:54Yeah.
47:55Everyone knew.
47:56The police dug up his garden and everything but they never found out.
47:59They reckon he dissolved her in battery acid and flushed her down the loo so he got away
48:03with it.
48:04How long you lived there?
48:09Oh my god, that's your house.
48:21Did you murder your wife?
48:24I was never married.
48:26But no, I've never murdered anyone.
48:28Let alone flush somebody down the toilet.
48:35Come to think of it, everything Danielle said was absolute bullshit.
48:39Michael!
48:40Michael!
48:41Do you like Star Trek?
48:43No.
48:44Holy God.
48:45Oh my god he just looked at me.
48:46He's just looking at me.
48:51So.
48:52Were you really an underwater welder?
48:54So, were you really an underwater welder?
49:04What's that?
49:05Were you really an underwater welder?
49:07Oh no, I made that up.
49:09I knew it, you bullshitter.
49:11I went down the two-hour underwater welding rabbit hole last night.
49:15I watched videos on YouTube.
49:18I know everything about it.
49:19So how does that work then, the fire underwater thing?
49:23I'm not telling you.
49:30Your mate's story, it wasn't all bullshit though.
49:35The police did dig up my garden.
49:37Did me a favour actually.
49:39Had to clear up afterwards.
49:40Left it in a better state than it was before.
49:43What were they looking for then?
49:46My girlfriend.
49:46She left one day, she never came back.
49:51Everyone thought I'd killed her.
49:53For a while.
49:55I didn't kill her.
49:58I love her.
50:00Michael!
50:01Did you collect stamps?
50:02Why do you find me so weird, Brigham?
50:05I don't get it.
50:05Just don't worry about him.
50:07No, I don't understand.
50:08Is it simply because I have a beard?
50:11Or because I don't go on the paintballing trips?
50:15Because that ain't that bloody weird, is it?
50:17Jason wears gold boots with wings on.
50:20But here you all are, ripping into me.
50:23Oh, careful, watch out.
50:25We're stripped down.
50:25Bowling to his vest of pants.
50:27You don't know anything about me.
50:30You knew what I'm actually growing in my shed.
50:32Stop right there.
50:35Thank you very much.
50:36What are you actually growing in your shed?
50:38What you don't know is that I am actually growing homunculi.
50:43I beg your pardon?
50:46Homunculi.
50:48They are prophesying spirits that can predict the future.
50:53And I am growing them in jars in my shed.
50:57So when I'm winning billions on the lottery,
51:00won't be laughing then, will you?
51:02Eh?
51:03What are you on the boat?
51:05Homunculi!
51:07Get you home, yeah?
51:13Are you all right?
51:15I'm fine.
51:21So, what are you growing in jars in your shed?
51:25Homunculi.
51:27And what's a homunculi?
51:29No.
51:30No.
51:31Homunculi is plural.
51:33Homunculus is singular.
51:35And they are creatures.
51:36They're like little people.
51:38They're like little people in jars.
51:41Like sea monkeys?
51:42They're a little bit like sea monkeys,
51:44but they can predict the future.
51:46Fuchsia.
51:48I had sea monkeys once.
51:50They were really disappointing.
51:51Like the advert said that they were so eager to please,
51:54but my ones, they couldn't give an apparent thought.
51:56They're not sea monkeys.
51:58They're monkey-like.
52:00Can I come and see them?
52:01No.
52:02Nobody can see them at the moment
52:04because they are invisible to the human naked eye.
52:07So, no.
52:09Okay.
52:10You have to walk me home.
52:12I'm fine.
52:13Mate, I'm not walking you home.
52:14I live this way, are you?
52:15Fine.
52:17Fine.
52:21This is me.
52:23All right, yeah.
52:23Call on.
52:24I'll just...
52:24I'll just...
52:54First time.
52:56Go.
52:59I'll just...
53:06I'll just...
53:08I'll just...
53:11I'll just be like...
53:11No.
53:13Oh
53:43Oh
54:13Oh
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