- 2 hours ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00I leave you go, I've after you here in the Ministerial Office. Bye bye bye bye.
00:03How are you then, Eiboy?
00:04How are you?
00:04Right, I'm going to have a matchy letter before we begin now.
00:07Is it probiotic now? Because my gut needs bacteria.
00:10As 2025 draws to a close, we ask the least, most, and never respected members of Irish public life about another shabby year.
00:19Oh, thank you so much.
00:20Number 54, cool.
00:22A warning that viewers are paying the wages of most of them.
00:24What are you doing with that camera?
00:25What's that?
00:26It's strong enough to be a military-industrial complex against a hobnob.
00:30My little boy, cos chelous.
00:342020, OK, no, that's not right.
00:362025, I have you now.
00:38A year of gobshytery, grim AI slap, British royal scandals, and a doll that did less than a Cork hurling team in an All-Ireland Final of the Kingdom.
00:46So what one should we do first?
00:47Presidential election?
00:49That Lula Trump?
00:50Troy Parrot's abs?
00:51No, the thing people wouldn't shut up about the most was Traitor's Ireland.
00:54It was such a hit, Virgin Media made a non-copyright alternative called The Landlords.
01:01You've seen the Traitor's Ireland.
01:03Now get ready for Virgin Media's unlicensed rip-off, The Landlords.
01:09And rather like a landlord replacing a washing machine, we've done it as cheaply as possible.
01:14Welcome to The Landlords.
01:23The aim, my darling tenants, is to find the landlords among ye renters.
01:30But beware, each night the landlords gather in the tower to commit terrible deed.
01:37Murder?
01:39What?
01:40Eviction.
01:41Look around, because amongst ye now are the landlords.
01:48You know, I've been a landlord for years, so lying actually comes second nature to me.
01:54No, don't worry, tenant.
01:56I'll get the plumber down first thing in the morning.
01:58No, sorry, that contract is up.
02:00I've my 17 Brazilian nephews moving in next week.
02:04I know it's a bedsit.
02:05I could never be a landlord.
02:07I mean, that sort of thing just stays with you.
02:09Look at Jim Gavin.
02:10I'd love to be a landlord, but my parents didn't have intergenerational wealth.
02:15Oh, not another one of these fucking shows.
02:22Now, join me downstairs where I'll explain the task to you after a dramatic and fabulous outfit change.
02:32Claires, your task is to make a meal for under five euro in a bedsit with no kitchen.
02:37I'm okay, I took biscuits from breakfast.
02:40The rest of you have five minutes.
02:42Go!
02:45Oh, I found noodles!
02:49A year's been a renter have taught me a thing or two.
02:54Oh, I found some radishers.
02:56But there's no stove.
02:57Oh, the landlord has to sort that ASAP.
02:59Or whenever's convenient for him.
03:01I don't trust Rory.
03:03I think I heard him muttering about rent pressure zones.
03:06I don't know what they're cooking in there, but I smell an eviction.
03:11Will the tenants ever find out who the landlords are?
03:14Will Pawdy ever stop eating?
03:16Will I wear another fabulous dress?
03:18Find out later.
03:19OK, OK, it's Katie back again.
03:22What are we doing next?
03:23The voice of my ears says it's time for the Do Nothing Doll.
03:27Cool!
03:28My party really had an amazing election where we got from being seven points ahead of everyone to finishing third.
03:35Is that good?
03:36I'm not great with numbers.
03:37We don't really follow Irish politics, you know.
03:39Yeah, like we live in a place called Jupiter, Florida.
03:41Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider.
03:44Well, no, we go there because it's a super amazing tax haven.
03:47Tax haven!
03:48No, Holly, you've lost speaking rights in this interview until you figure out what you're doing with own goal, Hayes.
03:54Just as with Live Line, rather than choosing someone sensible like me, Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael wouldn't pick Labour for coalition, instead choosing utter randomers, the Lowry Lackeys.
04:03We have no power over who we go into government with.
04:05Whoever asks us, we have to say yes.
04:07It's the cab-rank rule.
04:09No, you're catching mixed up with being a barrister, Jim Miriam.
04:12Yes, I said it was a disgrace that Michael Lowry is in the Dáil.
04:15But that was before I realised I could do anything I wanted and still end up as Taoiseach.
04:19What are you going to do in terms of, you know, vote for Sinn Féin?
04:22Eh, stop.
04:23So Lowry said there was a deal.
04:24Micheál said there was none.
04:25They were in government, but they also weren't.
04:27Talk about Schrodinger's catmologian.
04:29Prop up government and speak in opposition.
04:32There was no deal done.
04:34Wink.
04:35You're supposed to just wink, Jennifer, not just say wink.
04:38Oh, I understand.
04:39Wink.
04:40Are you even able to wink?
04:42I'll never tell.
04:44Wink.
04:45Look, it's very simple, Tis.
04:47You're a member of the government.
04:48Yep.
04:49You step out.
04:50You put on your independent job.
04:52Yep.
04:53And then you step in again.
04:54We called it the Lennigan's Ball Compromise.
04:56I stepped out and you stepped in again.
04:59I stepped out and you stepped in again.
05:01I stepped out and you stepped in.
05:02That's no way I ain't adding a ball.
05:04Day one of the doll.
05:05Scenes.
05:06People screaming abuse and insults across the aisle like a wedding in Leekslip.
05:10If I'd known Irish politics could get this catty, I might have actually paid attention.
05:14Lies, accusations, dramatic walkouts.
05:18If I wasn't in it, I would have binged it on Netflix with a glass of wine the size of my head.
05:23I was there too.
05:24Quiet now and get your boss some milk for the coffee.
05:26It's very hot.
05:27The doll was suspended with a visibly shook Micheál Martin who was more outraged that he wasn't made Taoiseach that day than he's ever been about the housing crisis.
05:35They destroyed my big moment.
05:36The lousy Langers.
05:37Screaming their heads off.
05:38No regard for the Fianna Fáil backbenchers who'd practically vacuum seal themselves into suits for the family photos.
05:44Some lads had to be cut out of them by the fire brigade.
05:47All kicked off something wicked and the place melted over opposition speaking time.
05:51It's too wogies to explain but drop me a beat.
05:54To quote the philosophers Ron DMC.
05:56It's like this and that's the way it is.
05:59The lads have the right to speak.
06:02They do.
06:03I've sprained my eyeball from rolling it at you, Micheál.
06:06We want tar.
06:08What did you promise the deputy Larry?
06:10Don't call me, she's that chick crazy.
06:12Come on.
06:13No, that's fine at all.
06:14No, that's fine at all.
06:15Making a holy show here.
06:17Look at me.
06:18Look at me with him.
06:19Do you need to take this shot?
06:20That's it.
06:21I'm suspending the house.
06:22You take that back.
06:24This gag party is done.
06:27Well, I mean, you're never going to get anyone's attention banging that sad little mallet.
06:33Ha ha ha.
06:35Cheatsaw, cheatsaw.
06:36Ha ha, it's pretty cool.
06:39It's been vajazzled.
06:41The doll flipped out, but the biggest flip of all was caught on Paul Murphy's phone.
06:4572-year-old Michael Lowery flipping us all a temporary goodbye.
06:49I loved that.
06:50I felt really kind of represented.
06:52When he done that, it just summed up how I felt.
06:55It's like a thing of community, you know what I mean?
06:58There's me.
06:59There's you.
07:00We're together.
07:01It's peace.
07:02There's peace in unity.
07:03It's love.
07:04That's what it is.
07:05That's what it is.
07:06You get me?
07:07Just.
07:08And those were the dizzying heights of Dáil Éireann this year.
07:11They sat in their hind quarters and did sweet Fanny Adams.
07:14Sorry now, I reject that we've done nothing in terms of...
07:16We passed a bill to ensure we construct more houses than ever before.
07:20Sorry, I mean, have more junior ministers than ever before.
07:23Tough order off.
07:28Well, Johnny B, the year in sport was pure class, lad.
07:31Unless you're from Cork's Max, then it was pure muck.
07:33Yeah.
07:34Like Cork's stout rotten.
07:35Eh, they're one of our sponsors.
07:36Relax, we've more sponsors than an AA maiden.
07:38Lad.
07:39I actually based my career on Cork hurling.
07:41Surprisingly well supported, even though everything I do ends in failure.
07:45Oh.
07:46They collapsed quicker than the bouncy castle at Joe Duffy's Leaving do.
07:50What happened?
07:51Well, I'm from County Down.
07:52We don't play slithery nipple or whatever they call it.
07:55Now, the GA said they wanted more points in their fields.
07:58Like our pints in a field.
07:59No, lad.
08:00Like points, not pint.
08:01Eh, I'm confused.
08:02So they got former double manager and future presidential failure Jim Gavin to make up some new rules, lad.
08:07Fair dues to Jim Gavin.
08:09He saved Gaelic football and destroyed Fianna Fáil.
08:12Now, that's a very productive summer.
08:14Meanwhile, skorts blew up in the GA's faces.
08:17How would they blow up in their faces?
08:18They're too short, aren't they?
08:19Tis an idiomatic metaphor, lad.
08:21Oh, what's that?
08:22A type of gearbox?
08:23Huh?
08:24Some of the shinners wore shorts to the doll in solidarity.
08:26I know.
08:27We used to be the party of dirty protests.
08:29Now we're all skirty protests.
08:31You'd miss the old acca, acca, acca.
08:35All the same, wouldn't you?
08:36Once again, women wanted to have a choice.
08:39But men, you see, have to live with the consequences.
08:41Women are no good at decisions.
08:43And so there we are, double parked on the main streets of Ireland.
08:46Leaning on the horn and roaring inside Audis.
08:49Hurry up, woman!
08:50And, sorry, what was I talking about again?
08:52Rory won the Masters at Augusta, finally completing his Grand Slam.
08:56Ah, I didn't know he played rugby.
08:57The DUP wanted to give him a nighthood.
08:59And the shinners wanted to give him a homecoming parade.
09:02He's worth 400 million.
09:03He doesn't want to ride on a bus in Belfast.
09:05Don't knock it.
09:06Mate, I should be nighted for the rides.
09:08I've given home buses down the Ormo Road.
09:10At the Ryder Cup, a queer amount of abuse for him and Shane Lowry
09:13with people even throwing pints at his wife.
09:15Ah, now that's shocking, lad.
09:16Shocking.
09:17What a waste of a pint.
09:18Ah, lad.
09:19What?
09:20They were foul-mouthed.
09:21They were rude, misogynistic.
09:23And probably drunk.
09:24This is exactly my target audience for a podcast.
09:28Sign them up.
09:29But the biggest moment of the year was our tele-show comeback.
09:32You have to get out more, lad.
09:33What?
09:34It was the Bison Green.
09:35I watched it like 27 times.
09:37I'm still in bits.
09:38It was an incredible goal.
09:40What goal?
09:41I was talking about those abs.
09:42Oh, yeah.
09:43They're so ripped.
09:44If you rub your nails over those, they'd go click, clack, ride.
09:49He's a droid.
09:50He's a droid.
09:51You're never going to have your own collection done stores with a name like Parrot.
09:57Mr. Price is more of that speed.
10:15Pet, what's wrong?
10:17Why are you crying?
10:19It's okay.
10:20You can tell me.
10:21It's Rory.
10:22He's...
10:23He's...
10:24He's...
10:25He's...
10:26He's...
10:27He's...
10:28He's...
10:29He's...
10:30He's...
10:31Rory McIlroy?
10:32Yeah.
10:33Hi.
10:34My name is Rory.
10:35Earlier this year, when I won the Masters, it stirred something deep in the hearts of Irishmen
10:40everywhere.
10:41And that something is called repressed emotions.
10:44He didn't cry on our wedding day.
10:46Or when our children were born.
10:48Or when his dad died last year.
10:51And then Rory McIlroy goes and wins the fucking Masters.
10:56For fuck's sake.
10:58Like, it was his first major in 11 years.
11:00I'm not made of stone, like.
11:02Emotions are good for men.
11:04But not when they depend on a stranger getting a ball in a hole.
11:07Don't hide them.
11:08Women quite like a man who cries.
11:11Once it's not about a randomer winning a golf tournament.
11:13So today I'm asking you to channel your emotions in a more productive way.
11:17Like connecting with your kids.
11:18I can't believe you did it.
11:21I love you dad.
11:24Grand job.
11:26Or showing your missus you love her.
11:27Listen.
11:28Before I go first get out of the pints, I want you to know that...
11:31You're a good woman.
11:32Is he dying?
11:37Or maybe even talking with your mates about something other than sport.
11:42Okay, that might be too much.
11:44Too soon, sorry.
11:46So men, don't put all your hopes and dreams on my shoulders.
11:49They're already weighed down with my lovely money.
11:52Save your emotions for your ma, your da, your family, your mates.
11:56I love you.
11:57And if you can't...
11:58I love you too.
11:59I love you so much.
12:00Just fake it.
12:02Rory.
12:05Okay, so the RT have asked me to choose the most delicious trends of 2025.
12:10But when they pay me, no.
12:11They've got some book in Egypt doing an impression on me on the telly.
12:15First trend, Jet 2 holiday TikToks gas.
12:18Nothing beats a Jet 2 holiday.
12:21Nothing beats a Jet 2 holiday.
12:23Back to where you came from.
12:26I love a Jet 2.
12:27Usually a private one.
12:28Next, Michael Healey Ray's AI deepfake of Taylor Swift.
12:31I can't believe these words are coming out of me mouth.
12:34American election.
12:35But if I was voting in Ireland, it would be only one man.
12:37That's Michael Healey Ray.
12:38That's Michael Healey Ray.
12:39Such was only a joke.
12:40Nobody believed it.
12:41I believed it.
12:42What?
12:43She sure didn't die right to her asking will she come with me to her funeral.
12:46Ask it.
12:47I got an awful end when you told me she was just a sexy robot.
12:51What?
12:52Now it's time to explain to your mommy what the Gen Z stare is.
12:55It's this weird face young people make at you once you tell them their government has sold their future from under them.
13:00Holly, let's do it.
13:01Come on.
13:05The next trend was every Irish influencer going to Taco Bell in an apple green off a motorway.
13:10Bastards robbed my idea of roaring about food for fallows.
13:15I call them unfluencers because whatever they're doing I don't want any part of it.
13:19Reviewing Taco Bell from a petrol station in Meath.
13:21Selling makeup they bought from Teemu.
13:23The internet's given them terrible notions.
13:25They'd have been much happier now as waiters or domestic servants.
13:28Political TikTokers who combined video game footage with the Communist Manifesto taught the revolutionaries.
13:33But there were doses.
13:35That's the last thing we need.
13:36Half the country commutes home watching compilations of cats falling into boxes.
13:40If there's some young person roaring about rent pressure zones.
13:43Sure, they'd crash their scooter on the N7.
13:45Finally, the phenomena of kids wrecking the cinema's heads with chicken jockey.
13:50Chicken jockey.
13:57That was only disgrace.
13:59Anyone knows if you want a child to get up on a board.
14:03A goose is the man for the job.
14:05You take that back, chicken jockey!
14:07Follow me.
14:08I'm delicious.
14:09Go to Bray.
14:10Why would I go to Bray?
14:11There's nothing there.
14:12Only people who can't afford to live in Dublin.
14:14OK.
14:15Go to Bray.
14:16I have you now.
14:17Back after these.
14:18Welcome back.
14:31The year in arts was beautiful, soulful, mystically looking.
14:33Go away out of that quiet Tommy we wanted to crack in the pint's tits!
14:37I said I wasn't working with loud Tommy anymore.
14:40Every old fool in the country went to Oasis to get off their faces.
14:45A lot of people saw that photo of me online.
14:47I was 10 hours blocking the commenters.
14:49Block, block, block!
14:50Oh baby, which one is it?
14:52Isosceles or Rhombus?
14:53Doesn't matter.
14:54Good night.
14:55Block, like.
14:56Block, block, block!
14:57Block, block, block!
14:58The divorce dad energy at those gigs was insane.
15:01I mean, I haven't said anything like it since my last product launch.
15:03The country got scuttled and beloved, scraped me off the ceiling with a rake
15:07and the world stopped for a scandal at another concert.
15:10No!
15:11Either they're having an affair or they're just very shy.
15:13I don't see what's funny about this.
15:15It's very unfortunate when a shameful tryst comes out in the open.
15:18I had something similar happen to myself at the Irish leg of their tour.
15:21Oh.
15:22So embarrassing.
15:27Not as embarrassing as the things you used to say.
15:30Lesbians surfboards.
15:32Legalise Leitrim's Wales.
15:34No, I never said any of that.
15:35Films were pure muck this year,
15:37so everyone's talking about the upcoming Saipan movie.
15:40Now we have to watch movies about losing football too.
15:43It was the spat of the century babe.
15:45It divided a country.
15:46Oh, so that's why there's a Northern Ireland.
15:48Now, people's favourite telly was my thoughtful, poetic chat show on the team.
15:53No!
15:54It was people stabbing each other in the back and the sides of the eyes for biscuits.
15:57Traitors Ireland!
15:58How could I not love a show based on gossiping, backstabbing and two-faced bastards?
16:03It's like Made in Chelsea with poor people.
16:05It was nice to see the word traitor trending somewhere outside of a far-right chat room for a change.
16:11They should do a golf version of traitors.
16:13They already did.
16:14It's called Liv.
16:15Woo!
16:16The party did really well.
16:18Do you have no clue what was going on?
16:19I assure you, it's not a barrier to success.
16:23Not much of a prize, was it?
16:2542,000 split three ways.
16:26Wouldn't even get to a deposit in one of those stone ruins they show on cheap Irish homes.
16:30However, the more cultured preferred my soulful, whispery voice.
16:33Not in their hope it was backstabbing Beckhams and lasers.
16:37She's married to a footballer.
16:39Who does she think she is?
16:40I have the greatest respect for David Beckham.
16:43He is the only man I know who can do more keepy uppies than I can.
16:48My favourite show was Star Wars Andor.
16:50People don't understand that Darth Vader was the good guy.
16:53He was just trying to impose some financial stability on a galaxy far, far away.
16:58Severance is my favourite TV show.
17:01It's about a world where people just do the same thing over and over and over again,
17:05never remembering the bad things that happen.
17:07Like rich farmers and dry-robed mummies voting us in every five years.
17:10Ha ha!
17:11Thanos snapped away half of humanity.
17:14A little bit unorthodox, yes.
17:16But a very effective way to reduce welfare costs.
17:19Oh, the house of Guinness was classy.
17:21It made Dublin look mad dangerous, didn't it?
17:23I'm sick.
17:24It was like during the riots, remember?
17:26When I went up and started, I've had a bike, sir.
17:28Hannibal Lecter, a very scary individual, but he never wasted his food.
17:32Yum yum fava beans and a nice my wadi.
17:36Or to hear so desperate to look like they have a notion about young people
17:39that got us to present half their shows.
17:41And we'll happily take half their money.
17:49Today on The Nationwide, we're going to be teaching the elderly how to spray paint.
17:53And Deirdre from Tupper Curry will be showing me Sligo's hottest new gang signs.
18:00I think you're a traitor.
18:02Well, I think that's a very serious allegation to say in a Belfast accent.
18:05Oh, look at you. You're wearing a wire.
18:07It's not.
18:08You're a tout.
18:09No, that's for the TV production. How to hang TV production works. You're stupid.
18:11You're a tout.
18:15Tonight on Prime Time, we'll be asking, as we do every week,
18:18is it time to legalise yokes?
18:20And I'll be fulfilling RTE's mission statement of entertaining the nation
18:23like burning down the first city set.
18:28Hello, boys and girls. We're kneecaps.
18:30Hello, boys and girls.
18:32Jesus Christ, what's that?
18:34What the fuck did I take last night?
18:36We're the princes of the universe!
18:37Woah-ho-ho! Why have they let Marty out of the Lyric retirement home?
18:39We're the princes of the universe.
19:02Whoa, why have they let Marty out of the Lyric retirement home?
19:06To talk about the princes of the universe?
19:07Who's that? The RT executive board? Judging by their pay packets?
19:11Naughty Marty. Nope, it's Britain's disgraced royal prince.
19:14Oh, he's a very dapper gentleman.
19:16But the glare of that bald head gives me a migraine.
19:19Just get a hair transplant, but he won't.
19:21I'd never have him pegged as a traditionalist.
19:23Not that one, Francis. We mean the arsehole, formerly known as Prince Andrew.
19:28Stripped.
19:28He did more to rack the British royal family than the Rye ever did.
19:31Gerry Adams must be your agent.
19:33Not that he was ever in the Rye.
19:35He was a peanut butter.
19:36Come away. You would have loved my show.
19:38I would have gotten a guest list.
19:40I'm glad they stripped him of his title.
19:42There's only one prince for us here.
19:45Prince Fungie.
19:46Come back to us, Fungie.
19:48Fungie, why'd you go away?
19:51Come on, boy.
19:51Now, don't worry. He's been well and truly punished
19:54by getting a mansion and a pension for life from his sausage-fingered brother.
19:57Maybe Robespierre had the right idea.
19:59Meanwhile, the princes of the Holy See came together after poor Pope Francis poped his clogs.
20:06I'd drop dead if J.D. Vance touched me, too.
20:09Yeah, the ick personified.
20:12Eww.
20:13Patrick Keelty went over to visit him and Franny was never the same.
20:18Twink doesn't know how fortunate she is, if you ask me.
20:20I see white smoke.
20:22Is it an RT cameraman on his fifth break of the morning?
20:24No, it's an American Pope.
20:27Disgraceful. It should have been an Irish Pope.
20:29It should have been me.
20:30I mean, I'm not qualified to be minister for finance either,
20:32but people keep giving me these jobs, so I don't see why not.
20:35Yanks beat the Europe in the conclave.
20:37Yeah, but we got the Ryder Cup.
20:38Who are you?
20:39Who are you?
20:40Ryder Cup!
20:41Who are you?
20:42Okay, all right, man.
20:44Every time, really?
20:45Oh, the coolest thing in the world.
20:48I don't want to be Pope anyway.
20:50It was a lovely service.
20:51Not a great spread afterwards, though.
20:53You'd think the Vatican could rustle up an egg salad sandwich
20:56for the infallible manifestation of the divine on earth.
20:58Not even a cup on tea, like.
21:00Now I know who'd find a cup of tea anywhere.
21:03Party!
21:03Let's return to the Landlords on Virgin.
21:08Welcome to the Landlords.
21:11Oh, not another one of these fucking shows.
21:14Players, your task is to make a meal for under five euro
21:17in a bedsit with no kitchen.
21:19Okay, your time is up.
21:22Present your meal.
21:24Voila.
21:25Noodle ala dough.
21:26If I have to eat that, I'm walking out.
21:28If you do eat it, we'll add a whopping five euro
21:31to the prize fund.
21:33Fuck this.
21:35Looks like Pawdy's saying toodles to those noodles.
21:39Right now, I need to make a recruitment.
21:41I need someone Machiavellian, cunning,
21:43a tactical mastermind.
21:44But obviously none of those people out there
21:46have those traits,
21:47so I just ask Pawdy.
21:52All right, Pawdy.
21:54I'm going to need to evict someone.
21:55Honestly, I felt better about maundering people.
21:58I should have seen it coming.
22:03What if I refuse to leave?
22:05No, wait.
22:07You know, renting can be such a pain
22:09in the glass.
22:11You'll put a proper scrapie in afterwards, won't you?
22:17We're trying to figure out who the landlord could be.
22:20Could it be Pawdy?
22:21He doesn't look like he knows
22:22what a tracker mortgage is.
22:24Also, he's not a c**t.
22:25Rory, earlier, I spilled tea on the carpet.
22:30Everyone said, don't worry about it.
22:32But you said that he needed professional cleaning
22:34and the deposit might be kept.
22:37That was on the tenancy agreement.
22:40Shh.
22:41It is time to vote.
22:46Oh, my.
22:47The tension is more than I can bear.
22:51For real.
22:52Pawdy, your vote.
22:54Rory, you're the dodgiest character I ever met.
22:58I walked into prison for years.
23:02Rory, you have received most votes.
23:04Therefore, you are evicted.
23:07Reveal your identity.
23:08Look, guys, it's been really nice
23:10hanging around with you poor people.
23:12But I am, and always have been,
23:15a landlord.
23:17Fucking love it.
23:24I'm not a fucking hog, or?
23:31Coming up in part two tomorrow night.
23:33Ah, and I'd like to take a minute,
23:35just sit right there,
23:36and tell you how I got to sit
23:37in the presidential chair.
23:39A heap of these.
23:40Vans like so and so.
23:43A shower of those.
23:47And some of that.
23:49It's Mum.
23:50What's the weather like?
23:52Is it low flea?
23:53I said I missed you.
23:55Katie Hannan, out.
Be the first to comment