- 5 weeks ago
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00:00I
00:30Happy Christmas Eve Eve. Be quiet.
00:44All right.
00:47I didn't get too drunk today.
00:50Why don't you insist on dancing like that?
00:53I like the music.
00:55I like Rihanna.
00:56I must go and help the needy.
01:23Colin.
01:24Colin.
01:26Colin.
01:33It's time to get everyone up.
01:36Morning.
01:38Any problems during the night?
01:41Kept my riff-raffing hard up.
01:45Gotta get the poor sods up.
01:46Oh, you've got them.
01:51Shake a leg.
01:52Come on, scumbags.
01:53Last time's over.
01:54Colin.
01:56I hate this time of year.
01:58Sorry to hear that.
01:59It's miserable if you ain't got family.
02:02The only thing to do is spend all the Christmas pissed right up to New Year.
02:06Christmas technically ends on the 6th of January.
02:08Perfect.
02:08I'll stay pissed till then, then.
02:12Alex and I are doing Christmas lunch at the vicarage this year for people who'd be on their own otherwise.
02:17Please come if you'd like.
02:18Magic.
02:19Thanks, Adam.
02:20I'd love to.
02:21Who's cooking?
02:21Not you, is it?
02:22We both are.
02:24No.
02:24Alex, mostly.
02:25Once.
02:25Oh, great.
02:26It's all right.
02:27Pigs in blankets.
02:28Lots of blankets.
02:29Less sprouts.
02:31Sprouts make me fart like Satan's dog.
02:32Oh, beans.
02:53I could see my sister, but to be honest, the thought of staying in with a ready meal and watching all of Downton Abbey is much more appealing.
03:00Sounds lovely.
03:01I wish I had that option.
03:02Shall I bring in the first victims?
03:05Thanks for doing this.
03:06Your predecessors used to hate it.
03:08Okay.
03:11Well, well, well.
03:12Who do we have here?
03:14Ho, ho, ho.
03:15That's a shit voice.
03:16You're not Father Christmas.
03:18Chloe.
03:18Yeah, you're Father Adam.
03:20No, I'm not.
03:21I'm Father Christmas.
03:22Ho, ho, ho.
03:24Can we just have our presents now?
03:25Have you both been good?
03:27Give it.
03:28Chloe.
03:29Here you are.
03:29Happy birthday, Santa.
03:31Have a happy Christmas.
03:33Oh.
03:34Two down.
03:3553 to go.
03:36I am knackered.
03:44Any chance of a festive blowjob?
03:49Yes, please.
03:50Oh, hi, Martin.
03:55Adam, Dad's here.
03:56Yes.
03:57Hello.
03:58Adam.
03:59It's good to be staying with us over Christmas.
04:00Oh, are you?
04:02That's wonderful news.
04:03Wonderful.
04:04Change of plans.
04:05Gemma's kids have got measles.
04:08She can't have me this year.
04:09Oh, no.
04:11I tell you what, shall I make some tea and then maybe we can play a Christmas game?
04:15That sounds nice.
04:16Can we play Risk?
04:17We always win that.
04:19That's why I want to play it.
04:20You remember last time we played?
04:22Adam should have won, but he failed to secure his hold on Africa.
04:25Ended up losing, then threw a tantrum.
04:27Oh, yes.
04:28No, I didn't.
04:29You went off to do that Sydney Harbour Bridge jigsaw in your bedroom.
04:33No, I didn't.
04:33You stamped upstairs like a seven-year-old.
04:36Oh, you want to be more ruthless, darling.
04:38Yes.
04:39Be a ruthless vicar.
04:45Talking about losing battles, have you had the roof fixed yet?
04:48Er, no, not yet.
04:49No.
04:51We have to deal with a hopeless man called the diocesan property manager.
04:55Can't you just get on with it yourself?
04:59I'm sure the Lord will provide eventually.
05:03I'm just going to help Alex with the tea.
05:11Did Gemma give them measles on purpose?
05:13Well, don't say that.
05:14He's my dad.
05:15He's still recovering from his hot.
05:17You know, it might be fun to have a bit of a normal Christmas for a change.
05:20We don't do a normal Christmas.
05:21I don't want to have to cancel the waves from Stray's lunch.
05:23It's important.
05:24You don't have to.
05:25How's your dad going to fit in?
05:26He's a social hand grenade.
05:27He's not.
05:28That's not fair.
05:29He's charming when we sell a few drinks.
05:31But lunch will be fine.
05:32I'm sure when I tell them how important it is to us, they'll be the life and soul.
05:35Get out before I call the police.
05:37No, I'm calling the police.
05:39Quick, call the pig.
05:40He's stealing your shit.
05:42Let go of him, Colin.
05:42That's my dad.
05:44I popped him for a quick dump and found him.
05:46Half inch in your glenfinity.
05:47Colin, for goodness sake, let go of him.
05:49Do you know this man?
05:51What?
05:51Oh, yes, this is Colin.
05:52Are you friends with a psychotic tramp?
05:56Well, um, yes.
05:57That's my dad, Colin.
05:59Yeah, right.
06:00Like your own dad's going to break in your home and start stealing your booze.
06:03Happy Christmas Eve.
06:23Good party, I thought, by Stemney Diocese standards.
06:28I even got a few laughs out of your dad.
06:33It's only because you did the conga.
06:36It's always good to do the conga.
06:38Not on your own.
06:40Now, have you printed out the service sheets yet?
06:57Service sheets for what, Adam?
06:57For the cows at the crib, the cows at the Christmas tree, and the bring-a-toy service.
07:01I am a bit stowed up.
07:01Well, you need to get on with that.
07:03Is that you coming up?
07:03You've hardly started.
07:05If you'd stopped phoning me, I could have started.
07:07I could do six things at once, Adam.
07:09I can't do seven.
07:10Come on, let's get this sticker candle up an orange production line moving.
07:14I'm not content with Easter having become some sort of chocolate and bunnies festival.
07:17We now try and seduce children in during Advent with yet more sweets.
07:21Put a ribbon round that.
07:22We indulge all these people who come to church once a year.
07:25I love the fact the church is full at Christmas.
07:27Well, I hope your sermon will address the balance and remind people of the true meaning of Christ's birth.
07:31No, I'm not doing another church attack on the commercialisation of Christmas.
07:34Christmas is a time of joy.
07:36Let nothing you dismay.
07:37I have to remind one more person that it is not technically Christmas until Christmas Day itself.
07:42It is Advent.
07:43I think I will give sweet bananas.
07:45Try to explain it to the checkout girl at M&S.
07:47You could not have been less interested.
07:49Well, given your bar humbug mindset, you'll be delighted to know that Alex and I have decided not to buy each other Christmas presents this year.
07:55Save the time, save the money.
07:57Good for you.
07:58But I bet you she buys you something.
07:59I've heard about couples trying this sort of thing before.
08:01Someone always gives in.
08:02No, we mean it.
08:03We've initiated a no-buy zone.
08:06Don't forget that you need to see Joan today.
08:08Yes, I know.
08:09I'm going to do it later.
08:09I've got three funerals to fix first.
08:11Come on.
08:12Pick it up, ribbon section.
08:15There's been a crime, Adam.
08:17Someone has stolen the camels from the nativity.
08:20Really?
08:20Okay, never mind.
08:21Can you rearrange it so it looks all right?
08:23Never mind.
08:25This is theft, Adam.
08:26This is robbery.
08:28How were the wise men meant to override without camels?
08:32By taxi.
08:33On cows?
08:33Have you got any cows?
08:35A wise man on a cow?
08:37Crossing the desert by cow?
08:45Joan, I'm so sorry I didn't get to you yesterday.
08:48I do hope you get this message.
08:49I will definitely see you tonight.
08:52Bye.
08:53That's all our mince pies?
08:55Yes.
08:56You can't do that.
08:57What?
08:58You're depriving other customers.
09:00What?
09:00No, I'm not.
09:01Eating all those, you fat pig.
09:04No, they're not all for me.
09:05It's for a service.
09:06If I ate all those, I'd be dead.
09:08You can't have them.
09:08You can have four boxes.
09:11That's 24 pies.
09:12I need ten times that.
09:14I ain't selling them to you.
09:15Right, I see.
09:20Have a happy Christmas.
09:22His name's Mustard, Colonel.
09:23He mustard.
09:24I call him Custard.
09:26Hi, hi.
09:26Oh, that looks fun.
09:28Just need to take our mince pies, if that's okay.
09:30Remember to leave some for us.
09:31Do you want a glass?
09:32I think it was Custard in the drawing room with a knife.
09:39I say knife.
09:40More like a machete it was.
09:42He cut the victim's head clean off.
09:44It was a horrendous crime.
09:46And Custard must be brought to justice.
09:47So, if I don't see you later, I'll see you at midnight mass.
09:50What's that?
09:51Midnight mass is the beginning of Christmas, on Christmas Eve.
09:54Yes, I know what it is.
09:55You expecting us to go?
09:57Uh, well.
09:58I always go, Dad.
09:59Well, I'm sure you do when I'm not here.
10:01I'm looking forward to a night in with my daughter.
10:06It's only an hour or so.
10:07I probably ought to go.
10:08Why?
10:08To be Debbie McGee to his Paul Daniels?
10:13Well, you stay here this year, darling, really.
10:15It's important to be with your dad.
10:17Are you sure?
10:18Mm-mm.
10:19Yes, yes, of course, really.
10:21I must fly.
10:23Well, come on.
10:24Custard drawing room knife.
10:28I'll get that.
10:29Merry Christmas.
10:31Yeah.
10:34Trick or treat.
10:35Colin, trick or treat's Halloween.
10:37Oh, yeah.
10:38Ding dong merrily on high.
10:40In heaven, bells are ringing.
10:43Colin, stop.
10:44I see the drinking plan's going well.
10:45Yeah.
10:46Christmas is one long office party, innit?
10:49Except, they threw me out of the three grounds,
10:51so I thought I'd come and have a drink at your office.
10:53Ah, this isn't my office.
10:55Hey, you know about your Christmas lunch?
10:56Is it all right if I come round a bit early, like the day before?
11:00Colin, I'm afraid the plan's changed.
11:02We're not going to be able to do the Christmas lunch here this year.
11:05I'm very sorry.
11:09Are you turning me away as well?
11:10No, no, no, it's not personal.
11:12It's just that we've got Alex's dad staying with us, who you've met.
11:15The Winter Shelter Charity do a Christmas lunch at the church.
11:18If you'd like to go to that instead, I'll be...
11:20You want me to have lunch for the homeless scum?
11:23You think I'm homeless?
11:25Well, fuck you, Santa!
11:26Hey, don't be like that.
11:28I'm sorry you can't come to lunch this year.
11:30Take this back.
11:31Oh, you take it back!
11:32Don't push me!
11:33You said you were me friend!
11:37You said you were me friend.
11:39Ah!
11:41Oh, my God, Danny, what happened?
11:42Are you OK?
11:43I'm fine, don't worry.
11:44What happened?
11:45Colin, drunk.
11:46But it hit you?
11:47That arsehole!
11:48Do you want to call the police?
11:49No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
11:50It's fine.
11:51It's Christmas.
11:52It doesn't actually hurt that much.
11:54Bound to happen sooner or later round here.
11:56Maybe you should get a guard dog.
11:58OK.
11:58I was thinking it'd be good for you two to get a dog.
12:02If you're not going to have kids.
12:04Yeah, bye!
12:11Ow.
12:12This eye hurts.
12:15Poor, crazy Colin to be driven to something like that.
12:18It's terrible.
12:20Gosh, Christmas is such a difficult time for everyone, isn't it?
12:24Ow.
12:25It can make people behave in extraordinary, desperate ways,
12:28can't it, Lord?
12:30It's important to remember, even more so at this time of year,
12:33when there's so many distractions,
12:35to think of those less fortunate than ourselves.
12:38Well, I'm glad I finally made it to see Joan.
12:42But bloody hell, I'm knackered.
12:45Only one day to go.
12:47Nearly there.
12:49Oh.
12:51You'll be delighted to know that the perpetuity Christmas carol service
12:54was a huge success in terms of church takings.
12:58Has someone hit you?
12:59No, it's fine.
13:00Never walk round the back of a reindeer.
13:02Do you think you're an elf, Adam?
13:04Yes, I do.
13:06We took two and a half grand just from that service.
13:08Your predecessor used to make five.
13:10No, he didn't, did he?
13:11I'm all for priests being icons of Christ in the community,
13:13but this is taking it a bit too far.
13:15Who hit you?
13:17So, two and a half grand,
13:18plus we made 600 quid by singing carols
13:20at the cash points in the tube station.
13:23Yes, I got a letter of complaint from Transport for London.
13:26You probably didn't get much vicar bashing in Shropshire.
13:29It's very common here.
13:30You ought to report it to the police.
13:32Plus 900 quid from carols at the crib,
13:34carols at the Christmas tree,
13:35and the bringer toy service gets me to four grand.
13:39I said to you a target of six.
13:41Do you think you'll make that?
13:41Yes, of course. I've still got midnight mass.
13:44Oh, you're reinstating that, aren't you, brave?
13:47Yes, it's going to be great.
13:48Who hit you?
13:51Where are you going for Christmas?
13:53We're going to the Meteorah in the Maldives.
13:55We're only staying in one of the standard villas,
13:57but we both like it because it's got its own time zone.
14:00Was it Colin?
14:01Have a nice trip.
14:02It was Colin.
14:03No, it wasn't.
14:05Could you pull over here, please, driver?
14:09Well, if you do decide to report Colin,
14:11oh, sorry, it, then give me a call.
14:14I'll let you take the taxi back to the church.
14:17Merry Christmas.
14:29Merry Christmas.
14:30Merry Christmas.
14:35Hello, Joan. I'm sorry.
14:36She passed away a few hours ago.
14:45All right.
15:04image.
15:05hymnody.
15:06制 miss.
15:07I'll let you guys know how you want to know how you want to see thelier.
15:11Merry Christmas, Father Adam.
15:39Happy Christmas to you, Vincent.
15:43Everyone's looking forward to your big service tonight.
15:56Have a good one.
16:02Colin, I don't have time.
16:04My eye looks terrible.
16:05Yeah, well...
16:07Jesus said turn the other cheek, so you've got to do that, haven't you?
16:10Or you're a bad priest, you'll get court-martialed.
16:14You want me to turn the other cheek so you can hit that one as well?
16:19Oh, go on, then.
16:21Hit me!
16:23Do it!
16:25If I find the person who did it, they will have a piece of me picking on a helpless, vulnerable
16:48vicar who can't defend himself.
16:51Here, have some of this.
16:54No, you naughty woman that's for afterwards.
16:59Was it Alex?
17:01No, it was not.
17:03There were three of them on camels.
17:06You should put Arnica on it.
17:08You see, Nigel, amazing turnout.
17:11Yeah, from the pub, in for a laugh before they lurch home to open their stockings with
17:16the religious equivalent of a cabang.
17:18Come on, Nigel, that's a bit cynical, even for you.
17:21Better make sure we bless enough communion waiting.
17:23Yeah, because these people have been confirmed.
17:25One DVDs?
17:28One DVDs?
17:30Hello, everyone.
17:34Good evening and welcome.
17:36One DVDs?
17:37What a wonderful sight this is.
17:39Welcome to St Saviour's on this holy night.
17:42Let's all stand to sing our opening carol, which is one of my personal favourites.
17:47Nigel.
17:48Oh, glory be to come on thine and to even be peace.
17:57The world has moved from home to men, they live and never cease.
18:07The shepherds watch their socks by night, whilst watching I see thee.
18:15The angel of the Lord came down and switched to BBC.
18:23The Lord be with you.
18:25You too may be with you.
18:28Hear the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ.
18:30The wine may be to us the body and the blood of our Lord Jesus Christ,
18:36who in the same night that he was betrayed took bread and gave you thanks.
18:42He broke it and gave it to his disciples, saying,
18:45Take, eat, this is my body which is given for you.
18:49Do this in remembrance of me.
18:52The Holy Lamb of God, all in this country.
19:00Turn around.
19:01Let's see what's underneath David.
19:03Woo-hoo!
19:04I shall not sing.
19:07Grace is the mystery of faith.
19:09Yes.
19:10Why are you even singing that?
19:13It's not even a carol.
19:17Do you want a carol?
19:18I know a carol that you'll all know.
19:21Here it is.
19:23On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me...
19:27I know it!
19:30No, no he didn't.
19:32Ten office parties, 5,000 mince pies, 45 hospital visits,
19:38one multi-faith ecumenical event, too much to do.
19:43Every day I get up at 5.30 and then my friend died and I missed it.
19:50But I said I'd be there, but I missed it.
19:55And then the man who I thought was my mate came round and hit me in the face.
20:01One black eye!
20:06Mince pies, mince pies, mince pies, mince pies, more mince pies.
20:11Mince pies, mince pies, mince pies, mince pies, more mince pies.
20:16And they cost 2.90 for six.
20:19Can you believe that?
20:21Mince pies, mince pies, mince pies, more mince pies.
20:24Can you believe it?
20:27Five gold rings!
20:33Mini-capper Bob?
20:35Anyone called Bob here?
20:37It's OK.
20:44I'm dreaming of a wild Christmas.
20:52Come on, get that.
20:54No.
20:55Yes, come on, it's Christmas.
20:56It's proper Christmas now.
20:58No, I don't want Christmas.
20:59Yes, you do.
21:00You love it.
21:01No, I hate it.
21:02Oh, my God, look at your eye.
21:04Oh, it looks horrible.
21:06Poor thing.
21:07No.
21:08No, it's all right.
21:09Stop trying to be brave.
21:10It's not convincing.
21:11I think I did a bad thing last night.
21:16I had a bit of a Christmas episode during the service.
21:21Did you?
21:22How bad was it?
21:24Um, quite bad.
21:26Oh, dear.
21:27Sorry I wasn't there.
21:29I'm going to get something for your eye.
21:32Mm-mm.
21:36Oh, it's snowing.
21:37Ah!
21:38There you go.
21:39Frozen peas.
21:40Mmm.
21:41Mmm.
21:42Why anyone would choose to move from Suffolk to Heroine Alley is quite beyond me.
21:48After the service today, the Winter Shelter Charity do a Christmas lunch for all the homeless
21:55at the church.
21:56I'm sorry to change the plan, but I'm going to go to that.
21:57Because I think it's important.
21:58No.
21:59No.
22:00No.
22:01No.
22:02No.
22:03No.
22:04No.
22:05No.
22:06No.
22:07No.
22:08No.
22:09No.
22:10No.
22:11No.
22:12No.
22:13No.
22:14No.
22:15No.
22:16No.
22:25No.
22:26No.
22:27You could come, who would like to come?
22:29That sounds lovely.
22:30Dad?
22:31You must be joking.
22:33You must be joking.
22:35I don't want an Amnesty International Guardian reading
22:38low-carbon, politically correct Christmas.
22:41I want a family Christmas, and my daughter, and the Queen,
22:44and spuds, and turkey, and cranberry thing,
22:48and sauce, and gravy.
22:52I'll be there, darling.
22:55What?
22:56You can come with us if you like, or you can stay here.
22:58But I'll be at the church.
23:00Well, what am I meant to do?
23:03Hmm?
23:33People think I've gone mad, do you?
23:37The word's out, the church is empty.
23:41I think that's just what happens in London at Christmas.
23:44There's a mass exodus.
23:45People go and see their families.
23:47Don't worry.
23:48Pour wine, Booker.
23:52I'm never going to get through all this.
23:54No, we have to.
23:55I consecrated enough bread and wine for 150 people last night.
23:59Has to be reverently consumed.
24:07What for?
24:08For helping me survive Christmas.
24:10Now, I know we said we weren't going to, but...
24:13Oh, you didn't?
24:14I know you secretly wanted me to.
24:16No, I didn't.
24:17That's so naughty of you.
24:18I bet you've got me something.
24:20I haven't.
24:21I really haven't.
24:22No, I know you.
24:23I bet you have.
24:24No, I really haven't.
24:27Oh, Adam.
24:29It's beautiful.
24:36Actually, I do sort of have a present for you.
24:38Aha.
24:39See?
24:40I know you.
24:41Hope you'll like it.
24:42I'm sure I will.
24:44I'm pregnant.
24:51Oh, my word.
24:57Are you sure?
24:58Well, it's only a home test, so it's not official official,
25:00but I did do five of them, so it sort of is...
25:28I don't know.
25:31A doe is using mistletoe like a weapon.
25:33Oh!
25:40Hello, one and all.
25:42Nigel.
25:43Mary, I'm happy to say accurately, Christmas.
25:46Hi, Nigel.
25:47You're not off to see Uncle Greg?
25:49Fortunately, the snow has relieved me of the opportunity
25:51of travelling to Dunstable to play Scrabble with an aggressive drunk.
25:56Oh.
25:57Well, welcome.
25:58Colin?
25:59You coming in?
26:00Have you forgiven me?
26:01Uh, no, I haven't.
26:02But it's lunchtime, it's Christmas, so you're coming in?
26:05But I'm not worthy to set foot in the church.
26:07And worse than the project, I'm the tax inspector.
26:09Oh, shut up.
26:10Come on in.
26:11You've got to forgive me.
26:12Alright.
26:15You were forgiven.
26:16Come on in.
26:17Come on, but I'm not worthy to set foot in the church.
26:19And worse than the project and the tax inspector
26:24Oh, shut up.
26:25Come on in.
26:26You've got to forgive me.
26:31Alright...
26:33You're forgiven.
26:36Come on in.
26:37Come on in.
26:41Nice one, Vicarage.
26:45I'm forgiven.
26:46We're all forgiven.
26:48Well, that's good to hear.
26:50Dad, you've come.
26:52Well, for some reason,
26:53the fear of watching Wallace and Gromit
26:55with six fish fingers wore off after the first hour.
26:58Martin, I'm so glad you came.
27:01Come and have a drink over here.
27:03Ah, I have a good idea.
27:05Father, I want you to know that I stole your camels
27:09and sold them for cash that are spent on Margot.
27:12Please forgive me.
27:15You are a bastard.
27:16I will not forgive you.
27:21Eddie?
27:23Happy Christmas.
27:23Happy Christmas.
27:24Are you bored of Downton Abbey?
27:27I finished all one sitting.
27:29I didn't like the look of my Christmas wedding.
27:31Do you mind if I join you?
27:32Well, of course, come on.
27:33Over here, for having duties.
27:35Oh, thank you.
27:36Oh, thank you.
27:41Arch Deacon.
27:43I owe you for that taxi, don't I?
27:45How much was it?
27:4646 pounds 30.
27:49Keep the change.
27:52Happy Christmas for me.
27:55I thought you were going away.
27:56Because of a tiny bit of snow, flights are cancelled.
28:0018 hours I've been stuck in that departure lounge on a bench in front of Bagel Planet.
28:06Lunch is solved.
28:08Stay with us, please.
28:09Come on.
28:10Come on.
28:11We'd be honoured.
28:13Thank you, Adam.
28:15Look.
28:16There's a chair.
28:17There's a chair.
28:18There's a chair.
28:19There's a chair.
28:20Oh, brilliant.
28:21Martin.
28:22Sit there.
28:23Sit there.
28:24Yes, exactly.
28:25A bit of a privilege, isn't it, Martin?
28:26Sit here.
28:27Yes, come, come.
28:28And, Martin, would you do the honours?
28:33Go on, Dad.
28:35I think you mean Grandadad.
28:38Ha, ha, ha.
28:40Well, that is the one.
28:42Cheers, baby.
28:43I get it.
28:45Thank you, guys.
28:46We're all in the chairs.
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